Friday Night Fights

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Friday night after work, was Fight Night!!! Remember my friend Angel? I think I mentioned her once or twice. Well, her husband is a mixed martial arts fighter with UCE, which is kinda the semi-pro of UFC...and by semi-pro I mean I think he makes about $50 per fight...but hey, it's fighting and these guys really train for this stuff...and it's about as close to underground Muay Thai kickboxing as I'm going to get in Utah...and just a block from my house. Angel hooked me up with the VIP treatment and I actually sat with some of her family, meeting them for the first time. Also, the seats were perfect for me...directly between the cage...and the bar...and the waitresses were HOT and wearing corsets so...yeah, good times. Though the five fights were under four minutes of action COMBINED, it was still a lot of fun. Highlight of the night: Angel stepping into the ring for the big glove girlfight. Here are some pictures...

"Wanna free T-shirt?"

The REAL Main Event

"You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup"

"I'LL EAT YOUR BABIES, B**CH!!!"

Catfights - Everybody's a Winner

Slammin' Dan wins once again

After that, I went to hang with my brother because...well, as you know, his wife is a complete (expletive) and leaving (again) but, fingers crossed, this time it may actually stick. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say...because you know how much I wanted it to work out for the kids...and how big of a fan of Love that I am...but there just comes a point in some relationships where you just realize that you have to call it off. Obviously they're still going to be around each other whether they want to or not for the next twenty years minimum because of the kids...but hopefully this will allow them both to move on. Anyway, long story short, I basically spent all day Saturday with him, helping him to pack up her stuff so that she could come & pick it up quickly and be gone. Nothing really out of the ordinary other than my brother was taking it a little hard...and combined with my mom being...well, my mom and not being able to keep her mouth shut for more than three seconds...that led to a few snaps of loud conversation...but hey, that's what family's for. To consistently remind you of your mistakes so that you don't repeat them. That...is what a family's for, right? Right? Anyway, yesterday kinda sucked...but whatever. Hopefully she stays out.

Today, I went to see "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra" with my dad...and it was okay. Exactly what you would expect from a movie based on an 80's cartoon. Not too concerned with plot or the laws of physics or anything...but a lot of action, eye candy and throwbacks to what made it likeable as a cartoon...just with real life grownups playing the parts...like my doppleganger Dennis Quaid. I don't really have much to say about this movie other than...it is exactly what you would expect...but still pretty good to check out if action movies are your thing. I know this isn't exactly a spoiler...but they're already planning the sequels. Now here's the news...

Chinese Basketball Controversy - A bizarre row over a player's height caused a Chinese basketball game to be abandoned and sparked violent scenes that left several cars destroyed in Guangdong earlier this week, local media reported Thursday. The Dream Basketball League was set up to allow players of "shorter" stature to compete on a level playing field, with a height limit of 6 feet-2 inches (1.88m) imposed. Basketball players are some of the tallest athletes in sport and China's own Yao Ming measures 7-foot-6 (which is still funny to me that the tallest guy in the NBA is from China). However, trouble was brewing when Huizhou Qiaoxing signed Chinese Basketball Association player and three-time national 'slam dunk' champion Hu Guang, even though his official CBA profile lists him as 1.95m (a towering 6-foot-4). Huizhou's opponents in a game scheduled for Monday, Shenzhen Kuruite, refused to take to the court unless he was measured but league organizers refused. Shenzhen forfeited the game but kept up their complaints the following day and the league finally agreed to take the tape to the 27-year-old forward. "Hu bowed his shoulders and bent his neck back," Shenzhen player Wang Tiecheng told local newspaper the Daily Sunshine. "The first result was 186.5cm, the second time was 187cm." League officials, who admitted they had "limited ability and technique in measuring," nevertheless declared Hu eligible for Tuesday's "monthly final" against Zheshang Bank. Furious Shenzhen fans disrupted the final by continually chanting: "Unfair, Too tall! (in Mandarin, I assume)" and the game, which was being broadcast live on television, was abandoned at halftime. Other spectators, upset that the game had been stopped, then smashed up five cars with Shenzhen number plates outside the Dongguan's Huangyong Arena, the Guangzhou Daily reported. See? Philly fans aren't the only ones passionate about the sport. This actually contradicts one stereotype that I had, even though I spent a month in China. I was absolutely certain that they were strict sticklers when it came to the rules. That's why when I watch the Olympics, I don't mind that some of the judging seems fixed or care how the athletes are trained from birth for one purpose...and that's to do a triple lutz or an iron cross on the rings or whatever or what kind of performance enhancing drugs they're being doped up with or how old or young they are or whatever...because I had a feeling deep down in my heart...that if they didn't do well, they'd probably be executed. Now, it may not be that extreme. Maybe it's just sort of an exile into the desolate high plateaus or something...but I always thought there were strict consequences for breaking the rules...but apparently when it's merely a national league for the "vertically challenged" then the rules are about as flexible as one of their acrobats (and believe me, they are flexible). It's somewhat reassuring.

Curvy Girls Are Hot - Crystal Renn was miserable as a super-thin model who had heart palpitations when she'd worry that there might be calories in Diet Coke. Her moment of epiphany came when "I couldn't walk another step without being exhausted, or having hair clumps falling out." She knew she needed to live in the body she was supposed to have...specifically a sultry, curvy size 12. In a new memoir "Hungry," Renn, now a plus-size model, exposes her struggles with weight, health and self-esteem, fueled by the industry she says she still loves. That is, she loves it now that she has been accepted by the fashion world. "I got to my lowest point, when I couldn't go lower, and it was either, `I'm going to die and not accomplish the dream,' or, `I can become a plus-size model and keep the dream,'" she said in an interview. "I am healthy now, the healthiest I've ever been in my life — both physically and mentally." Writing "Hungry" with Marjorie Ingall for Simon & Schuster was an important part of the healing process, said the 23-year-old Renn. She had told her story before, but always in a quick hit for some magazine celebrating the novelty of an hourglass shape on its pages. The book is her attempt to move the needle on how people — everyone from wide-eyed young girls to jaded fashion insiders — perceive beauty. "I'd like to see everyone take on the attitude that there are women of all different shapes and sizes as `the beauty ideal,' and that it's not one type or another. There are women who are naturally a size 2 — you can't forget them, and that's discrimination the other way. All women bring something different to the table and we have to appreciate them all." Some in the fashion, modeling and magazine industries have been receptive to the idea, she said, noting that she's still working with her fuller figure in Vogue, Glamour, on the runway with Jean Paul Gaultier and in ads for Dolce & Gabbana. It's often not the typical "pretty girl" who makes the biggest splash anyway, she said, explaining that when a modeling scout first laid eyes on her as a chubby cheerleader, he was the only person other than her mother who said she was beautiful (Really? Really, ladies?). Still, Renn is not ready to declare that runways will be filled with curvy types anytime soon (unfortunately). "I believe there is a cycle to everything — Wall Street, the housing market, and modeling, too. Back in the Victorian days, it was all about a full figure, in the '50s, it was about the boobs (still is), in the '80s it was shoulders and in the '90s it was waifs (wait, isn't a waif like a starving vagabond?). It can only go up from here." Fashion alone isn't to blame for the idea of carbon-copy beauty, nor is it to blame for all the girls out there with eating disorders, Renn said (the Media helps). But she added that fashion does help create the lens through which others, like the chubby cheerleader she was in Clinton, Mississippi, see themselves. In hindsight, however, she cringes at her early modeling photos, as she focuses on the graying skin and lifeless eyes. Once she joined the "12+" group at Ford Models, Renn said she finally started seeing images of the young woman she knew she was meant to be. (On the day she decided to switch gears of her career, she celebrated with a salad with salmon and nuts on it. It was, she wrote, a really big deal.) Renn has taken her mind off 24-7 dieting and is more involved in the lives of her friends and family, she said. Flashes of fears about her thighs — the bane of her skinny-model time of her life — still cross her mind, but she has learned to get over them quickly: She'll find her "positives" to distract her. "I love my cheekbones. I highlight them," she said. "I also love my eyebrows. I have good thick healthy hair — and that shows how far I've come."

I love these stories. Women who know they're beautiful. I wish there were more stories like them...or rather, more women like Crystal. Ladies, you're beautiful. If you ever need reassurance, give me a call, leave me a text, write me an email, hit me up on Facebook, stop by the crib, leave a comment, visit me in a dream, do whatever you need to do to get a hold of me (not difficult at all) and I'll do whatever I can to let you know...that I think you're beautiful...and hopefully it'll convince you of the same. Believe me, one of my dreams is to somehow, someway convince all of you ladies out there of just how incredible you all are...so you would be helping me to achieve my dream. You are doing me a favor...by allowing me to shine upon you your own radiance. Just keep that in mind the next time you're feeling down or glancing in the mirror and think something that is just ridiculous. Put me on your speed dial under #69 and use in cases of even mild emergency. Satisfaction guaranteed. I even make house calls.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I hope that you're all having a magnificent weekend before starting the grind at work again. Keep this in mind though. Next weekend is LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!! So you have that to look forward to. Get the grill ready for a barbecue, put a few dozen cold ones in the fridge and get ready for this last hoo-hah of summer. First and foremost though, have a great night everybody!!!

This May Be My Masterpiece

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Wednesday night was FREE Movie Night at Brewvie's presented by City Weekly...and it was "The Jerk" starring Steve Martin. Classic. If you haven't seen it, for shame. It's on the realm of classic comedies like Fletch, Ghostbusters, Caddyshack and Airplane! Haven't seen any of those (Lilie?) then rent 'em. You won't be disappointed. JL Clyde & I enjoyed this classic...and some burgers & fries & beer. Yay beer! After that, I got word that my Wingman was going to be in town (lots of drama with the ex-wife) so we hung out after work on Thursday. As for the job applications that I made a big deal about the other day, apparently the company's HR departments don't share my zeal...so I showed up early to fill them out...and nothing's posted...but it's okay because somebody stole my identity in the Northeastern United States, so I used that time to call my credit card company and get things taken care of. We'll see how it goes.

Last night after work, the Wingman and I went to see "Inglorious Basterds" starring Brad Pitt in director Quentin Tarantino's latest flick. I know what you're thinking. "$teve, why would you do that? You were supposed to see that with your dad on Sunday." True. However, here's why I did it. One, it's a Tarantino movie...and that being said, I'll probably watch it repeatedly for years to come...so twice in theatres isn't bad. I mean...I watched "Star Trek" & "Harry Potter & the Who-Gives-A-Crap" twice in theatres over the past few years. Two, Mrs Wingman is NEVER going to watch this movie with Mr Wingman (especially after the three of us went to "Grindhouse" last year) so I felt obligated to be his movie buddy and support him in the viewing of this movie. Otherwise it may never come to pass. Three, it'd be good to see if it's a movie that my dad would like. For example, there's a lot of subtitle reading in this movie...and my dad's not the best at that (whether it's reading, vision or what I don't know...but he has a hard time with these things) and it's pretty bloody...and my dad likes action flicks...but not horror flicks anymore...and it's primarily because it's unnecessarily gory & that's one of the reasons he's no longer a cop. He also has a small bladder and it takes him 45 minutes to number two...so for a 153 minute flick like this, he might appreciate just waiting for the DVD so that we can pause it and he won't miss important subtitles. So that's why I went to watch it. I hope that I explained myself thoroughly.

Now for the actual movie. It has the usual Tarantino brilliance. Lots of homages to other flicks throughout the history of cinema, lots of humor that...most people typically don't get...or maybe I'm one of the few that find them funny, lots of toying with movie clichés, lots of gore, lots of great music, lots of great storytelling basically. The story is set in Nazi-occupied France during WWII. There's a band of Jewish-American soldiers who are on a mission to put fear into the Nazis by killing as many as possible in a particularly glorified & brutal way. They are led by Lt. Aldo Rain (Pitt) and make their way to Paris...where they conspire with a German actress (Diane Kruger) and a British agent to take out a veritable cache of German officers & figureheads in one move...at a movie premiere...but nothing goes exactly as its planned. Trust me, if you like good movies, then you'll probably like this...but I warn you, as in the previous paragraph, if you're not a big fan of subtitles, lots of dialogue (though usually pretty clever) and almost an obscene amount of movie gore, then this may not be the movie for you. However, if you're a huge fan of war movies like "The Dirty Dozen" or even just any kind of movie where it's the bad good guys against Nazis (ala Indiana Jones) then you'll probably love this flick. I did. As you might have expected...and I really want the poster that says "Brad Pitt is a Basterd" because...damn it, it's true. Here's some news...

There's Always A Loophole - Fellow smut peddlers rejoice! Retailers who sell children violent or pornographic videos will be immune from prosecution for the next three months after the discovery of a government blunder 25 years ago. Britain should have notified the European Commission of the existence of the Video Recordings Act 1984 (VRA) -- which regulated the industry -- but failed to do so. "Unfortunately, the discovery of this omission means that, a quarter of a century later, the VRA is no longer enforceable against individuals in United Kingdom courts," said Barbara Follett, Minister for Culture and Tourism (the agency that deals with smut apparently). Follett said people currently being prosecuted under the act would not be convicted until a new act can take legal effect in three months, the period required for consultation with other EU member states. In the interim, people will be able to sell pornographic and violent videos to children under the age of 18 without fear of prosecution. However anyone previously convicted for offences under the act will not be able to appeal their case. The British Video Association said distributors would continue to submit their works to the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) and asked its members to comply with the provisions on a voluntary basis (yeah, good luck with that). Britain's Entertainment Retailers Association, which represents more than 90% of the UK video market, said "This is extraordinary. For 25 years retailers have been faithfully administering the system and now this happens." So...if you're an underage pervert (which you all are, just admit it) and want to score some fantastic high quality high class English porn, then now is the time to go online and order it. Perhaps there's something from a young struggling actress by the name of Keira Knightley...or the chick from the Orbitz Gum commercials. You don't know. There's only one way to find out. I like to see when a government agency's f**kup on paperwork actually works in my favor. God bless...well, Britain.

Drunk Driver Disposal - Here's the thing. As you know, I'm basically a pervert with strong self-control. As noted in the previous news clip, I'm down for perverts as long as they're not hurting anybody or creeping them out or anything. What goes on in your mind is your business in my humble opinion. Yet I loooooathe drunk drivers. Like...on par with rapists & pedophiles (who oddly enough probably read my blog & friended me on MySpace). Now, when I saw I loathe drunk drivers, I am aware that I admitted to driving drunk once last year...and it really bothers me when I know that friends & family of mine are out there driving drunk occasionally...especially when they have a perfectly good designated driver in me the vast majority of the time. However, this story just pisses me off to no end. Police said a man was arrested on Monday for his 22nd drunken driving offense — and his blood-alcohol content tested almost five times higher than New Mexico's legal limit. State Police Lt. Eric Garcia said an officer pulled up to a car parked along a highway and found a 51-year-old man on the ground near his vehicle. "He was coherent. He showed signs of slurred speech, as might be normal for any DWI arrest, which led the officer to believe he might be driving under the influence." Garcia said the suspect had to be taken by ambulance to Christus St. Vincent hospital in Santa Fe, where a blood-alcohol analysis showed a content level of .393 percent. New Mexico's limit for presumed intoxication is .08 percent. Police said records showed the man has been arrested five times in New Mexico and at least 16 times elsewhere (and not shot). The suspect, who faces a felony DWI charge, was booked into the Santa Fe County jail. Garcia said records showed the man faces pending DWI charges in Angel Fire (great name for a city) and Espanola. He also was served with arrest warrants from San Miguel, Bernalillo and Sandoval Counties — all on DWI-related charges. Garcia didn't know if the man had any prior DWI convictions. After a while, you just have to lock certain people up and throw away the key...or at least throw away their keys so they can't drive anymore. I just don't know how a man can do it. Endanger the lives of others so many times. Besides, he had 22 offenses...which means by my calculations that he probably drove intoxicated about 22,000 times...and just got caught every thousandth time. It just makes me sick. Please don't drink & drive. I don't wanna be a dick about this...but it's just safer for everybody...and let's face it, you know better...and I'd love to give you a drive home...and I typically won't even charge you for the gas as long as you're appreciative. Anyway, time for an uplifting rumor that's completely unfounded but touches my soul...which is conveniently located next to my left pants pocket usually.

Megan Fox Update - So a bunch of unfounded rumors are popping up on the web about Megan Fox being cast as the new Catwoman in the upcoming third Christopher Nolan-directed "Batman" movie...much like Philip Seymour Hoffman playing the Penguin & Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter and various other ridiculous stuff...but hey, there's good reason. For one, it's a comic book movie...and so Megan Fox has to be mentioned...because she's hot sh*t and let's face it, the more of her we can get on film the better since she won't return my calls. For two, it gives me good reason to put more pictures up on my blog to get my mind of drunk drivers...and pictures of Catwoman (or Catwomen) to illustrate the point. Prrrrrrrrr...

Say what you will...but I'm a sucker for the classics

Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether...and the statuesque Julie Newmar

Mmmmmmmmichelle...

Seriously, was there any other reason for this movie?

The funny part...is it's on AMC American Movie Classics now

Saw this poster at the movie last night...

...and I don't give a f**k what it's about

That'll do it for today. Wish me luck with the job search fiasco. It should provide plenty of entertaining interview stories at least. Have a great day everybody!!!

Her Name Was Carmen

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today has been a pretty good day thus far. At work, I was awarded with Employee of the Month (and it's my 2nd full month that I qualify for, mind you) as well as received a few sweet letters from lady coworkers...and a few prizes to go with all of this like a half-day off with pay (cha-ching) and a few vending machine vouchers. Also, I received quite a few emails and text messages from ladies who miss me and/or enjoy my craziness...and my niece Kairi called me last night to say she missed me. Oh yeah, $teve is susceptible to flattery...and he has no problem with letting it go to his head. Yes, it's a truly blessed day. Tomorrow should be a busy day because that's when a lot of job applications are going to be filled out after our HR is done with their "upgrades" which usually means...my information will be lost for about a year and I won't get any tuition reimbursement and I simply won't exist on a professional level. Sorry, that's just what happened the last time there was an "upgrade" with the HR department...so fingers crossed that doesn't happen again this time around. Wish me luck, eh? Here's some news...

First Love Reunited - With the help of a $250,000 reward, the founder of the Papa John's pizza chain has finally reunited with the muscle car he sold years ago to help keep his family's business afloat. John Schnatter sold the gold-and-black 1971 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 for $2,800 in 1983. The money helped save his father's tavern in Jeffersonville, Indiana, and he used the rest to start what would become a worldwide pizza business...but he still missed his beloved Camaro and spent years searching for it. He created a Web site on the search, held promotional appearances and eventually offered $250,000 to whoever found it. It turns out he didn't have to leave Kentucky, where the pizza chain is based in Louisville. The car only changed hands twice from the original buyers, ending up with Jeffery Robinson in Flatwoods, about 165 miles to the east. "When I first saw it I still wanted to look it over to make sure it was the car even though I knew it," Schnatter told The Associated Press. "That kind of hit me emotionally. I was kind of numb." The original buyers of Schnatter's car heard about the search when he appeared in a TV interview before an NFL game this month. An online search led them to the car blog Jalopnik, which has followed the search and tipped off Papa John's. Robinson, who bought the car about five years ago for $4,000, recently delivered the Camaro to Schnatter, earning the $250,000 reward. The original buyers will get $25,000 for their help tracking it down. Schnatter says it looks very much the same as it did when he sold it in 1983, but with a larger motor and fatter tires for drag racing. The car will be displayed at the company headquarters in Louisville, replacing a replica Schnatter commissioned while he searched for his original car. In honor of the reunion, Papa John's planned to offer all Camaro owners a free pizza at stores today (still a few hours left). See, I like this story...and it's probably because my first car was a 1985 Camaro named Carmen...and here's our story...

It was the summer of 1997, the beginning of my 16th year. That summer, I had my first REAL job...and yes, it was actually with the same company I work with now...but it was a good way to make money for a scrappy teenager with a lot of trivial knowledge and a sweet demeanor. I had worked relentlessly for almost three months and saved up for what would be my first car (like all kids should be forced to do). I had mentioned this to some coworkers...and I was introduced to Jane...and her husband JW (which stood for John Wayne...and was incredibly appropriate). These two had been together for about thirty years...and drove two things & two things only - Harleys & Camaros. Well, apparently it was time for an upgrade to newer models for both...so Jane was looking to sell her Carmen (which her son had wrecked pretty good a few months earlier) and as you would expect, she wanted to make sure she was going to a good home. So my dad & I went and hung out with them...and we chatted. I asked her why she had named her car Carmen and she always liked the name...but when I asked about her bike named Luke, she said, "I always give the bike a guy's name because I'm not into straddling girls and riding them all day." My response was, "Really? That's fitting because I name my cars after girls because I have no problem sliding inside, starting up their motor and burning a little rubber." Long story short, my charms had worked on both of them. They knew they had found a good home for Carmen...and it ended up saving me $400 from the original asking price. I spent the next year or so fixing her up and getting a new firecracker red paint job on her once the body was straightened out & the sound system was severely upgraded (like BUMP BUMP!!!). That was my car all through high school...and with my various jobs and road trips and driving an hour to school every day, I put about 25,000 miles a year plus on those tires...and she rarely gave me any trouble. We were like peas & carrots.

However, this love story has a pretty tragic ending. See, Carmen knew how to maneuver in the snow. You wouldn't think it, being a pretty sportscar...but she had pulled out a few trucks out of snowdrifts in her day. I did live next to a ski resort during my senior year. Also, she only slid out of control once (black ice on a winding canyon road after midnight shift...and maybe I was going a little too fast). She was surefooted...but I live in Utah...and cops & Mother Nature don't like red Camaros. Well, my second year of college, I had moved to the big city of Salt...and I was driving home from my gratis job of practice squad for the women's basketball team (mmm, those were the days) to get ready for my job that paid tuition...yes, with the same company that I work for now. It was snowing a bit...and it was cold...and the roads were icy. The road to my dad's basement (where I was living at the time...because again, I was paying tuition) had a bridge over the train tracks...and little did I know that the other side was extremely icy and unsalted...and there were a number of cars piled at the bottom of the bridge. My nimble-footed Carmen was able to stop on the ice...but the uninsured b**ch and her new Camry behind me...weren't so lucky...and they hit me pretty good, sending me spinning around on the ice a bit and slamming up against the roadside barriers. I was listening to Barry White at the time. Don't know why I remember that. Carmen was hurt. Both rear fenders were mangled and digging into the rear tires a bit...but I was okay...and of course, my first thought wasn't "I'm going to kill this f**ker" but making sure that the other driver was okay. She was...and so was her one-year-old daughter. I kid you not, less than a minute after the accident, a salt truck came by and salted the roads...maneuvering through about twenty cars that were wrecked. It was frustrating.



Well, we exchanged info...but little did I know that the info she gave me was...let's just say illegitimate...and she was never heard from again...and my insurance did nothing. There's actually an extremely funny flip-out story involving me, my mom & my brother going to the agency...and it was quite messy. I'm surprised the cops weren't called...but those f**kers probably get it all the time. F**K YOU INSURANCE INDUSTRY!!! So Carmen was able to drive home...but not much after that. Her injuries were quite severe...and it was basically time to put her down...by which I mean donate her to charity for the tax write-off. I kid you not when I say that was one of the hardest decision that I ever had to make. I know that sounds really lame...but I honestly loved that car. Like Loved, a car. It sounds lame...but I put a LOT into that car. I spent so much time fixing her...and washing her...and put a LOT of hard earned money into her...and just the way that we were forced to part, it cuts straight to my heart every time I think about it. We had been through a lot together. She wasn't a supercharged sportscar. She was a 5-speed 2.8L V6 that topped out around a hundred, which was more than enough. She was dependable. She was stylish. She was mine and I was hers. That's all we needed to get by. We worked hard & played harder. Now she's laid to rest in some junkyard somewhere...and all I have are a few pictures and a license plate. Well, shortly after, I was able to save up to get my Baby from a friend of my mom's...and then Brandy was given to me by the greatest great-step-grandfather that there ever was...but nobody forgets their first (unless they were really really drunk). Carmen was my first...and it makes my heart smile to see Papa John and his Camaro back together. I wonder if he has a name for her too. Like Goldie or something. I'll have to ask him next time we meet in an elevator or something.

Anyway, I'm gonna go cry now and try to scrounge up some pictures of Carmen. Not sure if any still exist...but we'll see. Wish me luck tomorrow with the whole HR job application upgrade fiasco. Seems like I was doing this same kind of thing last year. Let's hope this goes a little smoother. Have a great day everybody!!!

Le Homard Rouge

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The weekend was awesome. Friday, as expected, my stepdad slept in an hour or so late...but eventually he picked me up and we started the drive to Cheyenne. Not really much to report about that...because it's Wyoming...but we listened to hits of the 60's on the XM radio and a great time was had. Of course when I drove, he got there faster and my stepdad snored...because you know, he had been up for almost three hours by that point. Anyway, we got to Cheyenne and met up with my mom for her birthday. We drove to downtown (yes, there's a downtown) and had dinner at the Shadows Bar & Grill at the Union Pacific railroad. The food was pretty good...and they had beer. On the way home, we picked up some high point Heinekens, ice cream & birthday cake. We decided against going to a bar because...well, I'm not exactly sure why but I'm sure it had to do with my stepdad complaining that he was tired...and my mom didn't want him to feel left out. We had fun watching "Ghostbusters" on AMC and making fun of HGTV. Okay, I was the only one making fun of it. I slept on a sofabed.

Saturday, my stepdad was still tired (saying he was sick) so we decided to just let him rest in Cheyenne while we went to have fun in Denver. We went to the Museum of Natural History and had a great time (though it's my third time going there since Halloween) and then we checked into our hotel, The Ritz-Carlton, Denver. Because where we stayed also is next to where my former employers there in Denver work, I ran into a LOT of former coworkers...and they had nothing but flattering things to say about me to my mama...and one of them even gave her a rose for her birthday. How cool is that? They asked me how I was doing...and told me about Boss Man M going to Lake Tahoe & how I should look into that. Already done. It was pretty cool. Anyway, then we met up with my cousin Ranae and we went off to have some fun. Dinner at the Wynkoop Brewing Company (which I vaguely remember from St Patrick's Day with the Mad Scientist & From Russia With Love) followed by the burlesque show at Lannie's Clockwork Cabaret. We were just walking by and they wanted to do it...and I of course had no objections. Oh yeah, during dinner we talked about going on another family cruise like the one we did three years ago to Catalina & Ensenada...so I'll keep you posted on any findings there. We really liked the idea of a quick Caribbean cruise from the Port of New Orleans, so that we could spend a few days there too...but yeah, money's tight all over...so we'll see how it goes. That night, I slept like a log on a Ritz-Carlton bed...and had a wee bit of a headache the next morning...but it quickly faded.

Sunday was extremely boring and was just driving back to Utah across Wyoming...and I think there was rain for a second...but yeah. Really nothing remarkable other than my stepdad's flatulence smells like steak & diet coke...and that's not cool. He may want to see a doctor about that...but he's still a great guy...and my mom had a great birthday. Now for some news...since I really don't have a whole lot of pictures.

Marilyn Update - The price for spending eternity above Marilyn Monroe is more than $4.6 million...and your soul. That's how much the crypt directly above the actress went for in an online auction that ended Monday. The eBay.com listing says the space at Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery above Monroe is being vacated, making room for someone else. The listing also offers the detail that the current occupant is "looking face down on" Monroe, who was laid to rest at the cemetery in 1962. Bidding for the auction started at $500,000 on August 14. The final bid was $4,602,100. The Los Angeles Times reported earlier this month that the seller was Elsie Poncher, who was putting her late husband's crypt up for auction to help pay off the $1.6 million mortgage on her Beverly Hills home. Poncher told the newspaper that her husband, Richard Poncher, bought the crypt from Monroe's former husband, Joe DiMaggio, during his 1954 divorce from Monroe. Her husband died 23 years ago at 81. Jolene Mason, the cemetery's general manager, told the newspaper there is one empty crypt left in the mausoleum where Monroe is buried, available for $250,000 and located two spots above the actress and to the left (any real estate developers out there?). A message left for Poncher was not returned Monday...but she earlier said that, when she sells the crypt, she'll put her husband's remains in the one reserved for her, and when her time comes, she'll be cremated. This article is missing one important bit of information though. Who bought it? My guess - The Viagra Guy, Dr. Frost. Okay, so that's just a bold speculation about somebody who would have that kind of money...but hey, the Media is the one who screwed up this report. "That's great, $4.6 million, big surprise...but who has that kind of cash in this economy? Gates? Oprah? The douche from Girls Gone Wild? Who?"

Why Russia Fell - Russia's government has issued a tender for luxury furniture, including a gilded bed, triggering an outcry Wednesday in a country where the economy shrank 10.9% in the last quarter. The interior ministry said it wanted a cherry wood bed and that the "the decorative elements of the head and footboards must be covered with a thin layer of 24 carat gold." The total value of the furniture tender was 24.4 million rubles (about $700,000), according to the procurement agency's site zakupki.gov.ru. "I cannot imagine the need to purchase expensive items during such a difficult financial situation for the country," wrote blogger https://owa.marriott.com/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/nm/od_uk_nm/storytext/oukoe_uk_russia_bed/33091751/SIG=11ani6fti/*http://www.vidal-palermo.livejournal.com shortly after the details became public. The tender announcement said the bed should be sent to the ministry headquarters. Other items must be delivered to an address in an exclusive dacha district on Moscow's outskirts. According to Russian newspaper Vedomosti, this is where several senior officials in the interior ministry reside in state-owned homes. "Golden toilets would be more logical...and a negotiating table should be made of bulletproof and shock resistant material," wrote one comment on the Vedomosti website. The publication of the tenders comes as part of Russian efforts to improve transparency and boost public confidence in efforts to cut corruption by holding public competitions for state purchases. Seems to be working great so far. There's no better way to show that your nation is doing great...than by giving all your leaders golden headboards while the rest of the country is in political & economic turmoil. Oh...and they still have a lot of nukes, right? This can only end well...but they'll have some competition in bringing about the end of mankind.

Apocalypse Update - Police said a suspicious package at a shipping store turned out to be a box of LIVE BOA CONSTRICTORS. Fairfield Township police said they were called Tuesday after FedEx Office employees saw two pillowcases moving when they got curious and opened the parcel at a store about 20 miles north of Cincinnati. Officer Justen McDade said he looked in one pillowcase, saw a snake and quickly tied the pillowcase closed. A reptile rescue group was contacted and took custody of the snakes. A local man was listed on the shipping label, and the package was addressed to a man in Phoenix, Arizona. He's been told he may not get the snakes. McDade said authorities are trying to verify if the sender had a license for shipping snakes. No charges have been filed. However, we know the truth. The snakes that have been trying to take over the world one region at a time...have now gone global through our own infrastructure and delivery system. The sly slithering bastards!!! No longer an amusing prank...but rather the choice method of attack by our reptilian enemies. Like launching canisters of laughing gas into a battlefield...or whoopee cushions that explode like claymores...or rancid banana cream pies, it's a cruel kind of warfare. Our enemy is evolving...and we must fight back before it's too late...and they take over our supremacy of the air as well (trust me, I've seen it in a movie before).

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "A Surprise Gift from Another Will Leave a Lasting Impression...In Your Bed" - I like the sound of this one...like some good rough cowgirl lovin' that's gonna leave a dent in my mattress and work those springs. Mmm...I remember those days. Patience, $teve. One of these days somebody will take you up on your offer.

So yeah, I guess enough of that babble for one day. The weekend was fun...and hopefully so was yours. Tonight I'll probably watch a zombie flick or something ridiculous...but I'm in the mood. I should probably do some laundry too. I know that you are obviously concerned about this stuff...but I basically just type what I think. Mmm, that girl's got a nice backside. Did I pay my electric bill? I like toast. Toast and Why is Return of the Jedi on the History Channel? Really? I wonder what Crocodile Dundee's up to nowadays. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's awesome. Have a great day everybody!!!

Did Ya Hear Me Butterfly?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Sorry, can't seem to put pictures on this post...so maybe later. Well, I'm off to Cheyenne to see my mom for her birthday. The work week's finally over. Not a particularly bad week or anything...just not feelin' it as one might say. I have made good progress with regards to a transition to Lake Tahoe. I haven't punched anybody in the stomach as of yet. I've got my health, my wealth, my lovely self. What more could any man want? Well, besides that?

Wednesday night, I watched the bromance "I Love You, Man" starring Paul Rudd & Jason Segel...and Jane Curtin, JK Simmons, Adam Sanborn, Lou Ferrigno, and a bunch of others. The story is about a man (Rudd) who just got engaged to the woman of his dreams...but then realizes that he really doesn't have any guy friends...and nobody to be his best man besides maybe his gay brother (Sanborn). So...he goes on a few "man dates" to find a new best friend...but as most dates on short notice tend to be, they turn out to be disappointing...until he meets a guy (Segel) at an open house he's working at...and they hit it off. Hilarity ensues, a special performance by Rush, girlfriend becomes insecure (for no particular reason), the Hulk administers an incredible sleeper hold, and it's basically a romantic-comedy...but with straight dudes. I would recommend it for anybody. It's hilarious. Wanna know what else is hilarious?



Last night was the basketball tournament...and I had already had a long day by then. Let's just say that I had to do a lot of formal business stuff in my suit...and for some reason it had to be done outside where it was in the mid-90's...and I really hadn't had anything to eat until I was able to break away long enough to get a brownie and an iced coffee. Oh yeah, running on nothing but cocoa & coffee is the way to go. Anyway, as mentioned before, I haven't so much as touched a basketball since I moved back to Utah...but now I was on a corporate team...with the General Manager & 2nd in Command. Just the three of us playing co-ed basketball. We did pretty good. We won the first game, then we were robbed in the second because...you may not know this either...but apparently there was a foul limit of four. I know, right? It wasn't me...but yeah, we had to forfeit. They wouldn't even let us play 2-on-3...even though we were up 12-5 at the time. Ridiculous, right? Oh...also I played the last two games...with a shattered right big toenail. It was awesome. Have you ever tried to drive the lane, do a spin move, play side-to-side defense or jump when half of your foot is swelling to three times its natural size? Not fun...but we stuck it out. Apparently there's another tourney in October...and I'm gonna get back into shape dammit. We had to settle for Bronze because of that forfeit crap...but that wasn't the best thing that happened yesterday...



So after the 2nd game, I'm checking my phone for messages...when all of a sudden, I feel a cool little breeze on my face...like somebody had turned a fan on. I slowly glance up, see a pair of long smooth luscious legs, follow them up to a very attractive coworker (we'll call her Giggidy, trust me, it works) and she's just gently blowing on me (not that way). As our eyes meet, she puts up this huge smile, then covers her mouth and says, "Sorry, you probably don't want to smell my peanut butter breath." I smiled back and said, "No, I was just thinking that an angel was breathing on me...and apparently I was right." She smiled and then skipped off to play a game (she was on the other company team and there game was just starting). I may have found me a new friend. It was my first time meeting last night...so we'll see how it goes from here...but yeah, definitely best thing today...making Giggidy smile...and getting blown...on. Anyway, here's some news...

Marilyn Update - An American widow is selling her husband's burial spot directly above (aka on top of) film legend Marilyn Monroe so that she can pay off her mortgage. Elsie Poncher has put an advert on eBay to auction off the tomb in Westwood Village Memorial Park, Los Angeles. "Here is a once in a lifetime and into eternity opportunity to spend your eternal days directly above Marilyn Monroe," says the advertisement. "In fact the person occupying the address right now is looking face down on her." The burial plot is currently occupied by the late Richard Poncher, described by his widow as an entrepreneur who bought two tombs from baseball player Joe DiMaggio, Monroe's ex-husband, as the pair were divorcing in 1954. Monroe died at the age of 36 in 1962. Poncher died at the age of 81 in 1986. Elsie Poncher said she would move her husband's remains over one spot into a crypt intended as her final resting place if the sale was successful and she would be cremated instead when the time came. Bidding for the plot opened at $500,000 and had reached $2.5 million by Sunday. No one from eBay was immediately available to comment on the bidding process or to give more details. Poncher told the Los Angeles Times that she hoped to raise enough money to pay off the $1.6 million mortgage on her Beverly Hills home. "I can't be more honest than that," she told the newspaper. "I want to leave it free and clear for my kids." The Westwood Village Memorial Park is home to many celebrities, including Dean Martin, James Coburn, Roy Orbison, Truman Capote, Natalie Wood, and, from this year, Farrah Fawcett. Playboy's Hugh Hefner bought the crypt beside Monroe in 1992. So here's your one chance...to have a posthumous ménage e trios with Marilyn Monroe & Hugh Hefner. It's very interesting that Miss Poncher is selling a plot of land that's like one-hundredth of an acre for nearly twice the price of her estate in Beverly Hills...but hey, that's how the real estate market is. Location, location, location...and on top of Marilyn Monroe is a legendary location. I mean...DiMaggio, JFK, that's pretty prestigious company.

Faith & Brain Power - Buddhist monks and Catholic nuns boost their brain power through meditation and prayer, but even atheists can enjoy the mental benefits that believers derive from faith, according to a popular neuroscience author. The key, Andrew Newberg argues in his new book "How God Changes Your Brain," lies in the concentrating and calming effects that meditation or intense prayer have inside our heads. Brain scanners show that intense meditation alters our gray matter, strengthening regions that focus the mind and foster compassion while calming those linked to fear and anger. Whether the meditator believes in the supernatural or is an atheist repeating a mantra, he says, the outcome can be the same - a growth in the compassion that virtually every religion teaches and a decline in negative feelings and emotions. "In essence, when you think about the really big questions in life -- be they religious, scientific or psychological -- your brain is going to grow," says Newberg, head of the Center for Spirituality and the Mind at the University of Pennsylvania (founded by Quakers). "It doesn't matter if you're a Christian or a Jew, a Muslim or a Hindu, or an agnostic or an atheist," he writes in the book written with Mark Robert Waldman, a therapist at the Center. In his office at the University of Pennsylvania's hospital, Newberg told Reuters that "neurotheology" - the study of the brain's role in religious belief - is starting to shed light on what happens in believers' heads when they contemplate God. Science and religion are often seen as opposites, to the point where some in each camp openly reject the other, but this medical doctor and professor of radiology, psychology and religious studies sees no reason not to study them together. "The two most powerful forces in all of human history have been religion and science. These are the two things that help us organize our world and understand it. Why not try to bring them together to address each other and ultimately our world in a more effective way?" Atheists often see scanner images tracking blood flows in brains of meditating monks and nuns lost in prayer as proof that faith is an illusion. Newberg warns against simple conclusions: "If you see a brain scan of a nun who's perceiving God's presence in a room, all it tells you is what was happening in her brain when she perceived God's presence in a room. It may be just the brain doing it, but it may be the brain being the receiver of spiritual phenomena," said Newberg, whose research shows the short prayers most believers say leave little trace on the brain because they are not as intense as meditation. "I'm not trying to say religion is bad or it's not real. I say people are religious and let's try to understand how it affects them." Another notion Newberg debunks is the idea there is a single "God spot" (not to be confused with the G-Spot) in the brain responsible for religious belief: "It's not like there's a little spiritual spot that lights up every time somebody thinks of God." Instead, religious experiences fire neurons in several different parts of the brain, just like other events do. Locating them does not explain them, but gives pointers to how these phenomena occur and what they might mean. In their book, Newberg and Waldman sketch out some of the "God circuits" in the brain and their effects, especially if trained through meditation as muscles are through exercise. Meditation both activates the frontal lobe, which "creates and integrates all of your ideas about God," and calms down the amygdala, the emotional region that can create images of an authoritative deity and fog our logical thinking. The parietal-frontal circuit gives us a sense of the space around us and our place in it. Meditation suppresses this sense, giving rise to a serene feeling of unity with God or the world. "Even 10 to 15 minutes of meditation appear to have significantly positive effects on cognition, relaxation and psychological health," the authors declare in the book. Newberg, who grew up in a Reform Jewish family and has studied many religions, said his work might help both believers and atheists understand religious feelings, which he said were "among the most powerful and complex experiences people have." But he cautioned against expecting "neurotheology" to come up with surprising insights soon: "As good as our techniques are, they are still incredibly crude. We have a long way to go." Just an interesting little ditty that I found. The only joke I really had was the G-Spot thing...and now my mind is elsewhere reminiscing.

Coke Money - Speaking of reminiscing, I'm not sure if I already mentioned this before like a year ago...but did you know there's cocaine in your money? Like LOTS of it? Traces of cocaine taint up to 90% of paper money in the United States, a new study finds. A group of scientists tested banknotes from more than 30 cities in five countries, including the United States, Canada, Brazil, China, and Japan, and found "alarming" evidence of cocaine use in many areas. U.S. and Canadian currency had the highest levels, with an average contamination rate of between 85-90%, while Chinese and Japanese currency had the lowest, between 12-20% contamination. The findings were presented yesterday at the 238th National Meeting of the American Chemical Society in Washington, D.C. Study leader Yuegang Zuo of the University of Massachusetts in Dartmouth said that the high percentage of contaminated U.S. currency observed in the current study represents nearly a 20% jump in comparison to a similar study he conducted two years ago. "To my surprise, we're finding more and more cocaine in banknotes," Zuo said. Scientists have known for years that paper money can become contaminated with cocaine during drug deals and directly through drug use, such as snorting cocaine through rolled bills. Contamination can also spread to banknotes not involved in the illicit drug culture, because bills are processed in banks' currency-counting machines. "I'm not sure why we've seen this apparent increase, but it could be related to the economic downturn, with stressed people turning to cocaine," Zuo said. Such studies are useful, he noted, because the data can help law enforcement agencies and forensic specialists identify patterns of drug use in a community. Previous studies that have reported on cocaine traces on money have had several drawbacks, Zuo said. Some only sampled a small number of bills, while others destroyed the money in the process of testing. Zuo and his colleagues used a modified instrument that allowed for faster, simpler and more accurate measurement of cocaine contamination than other methods, without destroying the currency. The amounts of cocaine found on U.S. bills ranged from .006 micrograms (several thousands of times smaller than a single grain of sand) to more than 1,240 micrograms of cocaine per banknote (about 50 grains of sand). The scientists found that larger cities like Baltimore, Boston, and Detroit had among the highest average cocaine levels. Washington, D.C., ranked above the average, with 95% of the banknotes sampled contaminated with the drug. The lowest average cocaine levels in U.S. currency appeared on bills collected from...right here in Salt Lake City (apparently we prefer meth). Despite the high percentage of cocaine-contaminated banknotes, Zuo points out that the amount of cocaine found on most notes was so small that consumers should not have any health or legal concerns about handling paper money. "For the most part, you can't get high by sniffing a regular banknote, unless it was used directly in drug uptake or during a drug exchange. It also won't affect your health and is unlikely to interfere with blood and urine tests used for drug detection." Oh thank God. Also, not to be a Negative Nancy on the whole study...but I have a simple explanation for the increase in cocaine found on the bills...and it's not the economy...but rather not destroying the currency when the study was done two years ago...because then those bills are contaminated...and still in circulation so that they contaminate other bills, not unlike how disease spreads by contact. Simple...and absolutely sound logic. Sorry Mister Zuo. Still, that's a LOT of cocaine in them bills. Just thought I'd let you know...and now the concept of money laundering makes a little more sense. They have to wash it to get all the yayo out of it. That's how they're able to transport it. Now I can become a druglord. My dream is complete.

Surviving San Diego - As far as ideas to save some of that foldin' money, here's one. For their one-and-only family getaway this year, the Billingtons checked in to an upscale San Diego resort on Sunday with many of the usual vacation accessories -- bathing suits, board games and golf clubs...but they also brought flashlights, sleeping bags and an inflatable mattress because the pool-side room they booked for just $19 comes with a tent where the beds normally would be. They even had to pack their own toilet paper. While many of Southern California's luxury hotels are battling a severe slump in business by offering extra services and more amenities, the Rancho Bernardo Inn is luring guests with the exact opposite -- no frills and barely any basics. Called the "Survivor Package," the hotel's deeply discounted promotion lets patrons trim its standard $219-per-night rate on a sliding scale of deprivation, lowering charges with each amenity stripped from the room. The most basic version: a room for $19 with no bed, toilet paper, towels, air-conditioning or "honor bar," and only a single light bulb in the bathroom for safety. The next level up adds in a bed -- sans sheets -- for $39 a night. For a bed plus toiletries and toilet paper, the rate is $59. Maureen Carew, assistant general manager of the four-star inn, called the promotion "clever marketing in a downtime." Herman Billington, 39, a personal trainer who owns his own business, says it's the only vacation he, his wife and their two sons, aged 9 and 10, plan to take this year as they concentrate on "keeping it lean." "The boys get to feel like they're camping, and I get to go to the spa," said their mother, Erica Billington, 37. Luxury hotels and resorts have fallen on hard times during the recession, as corporate travel planners shy away from lavish spending and consumers plan thrifty, if any, vacations. Across the industry, occupancy rates have dropped about 10% Carew said. The slump has pushed room rates down, with many of California's more luxurious properties throwing in a breakfast, a round of golf or extra night's stay for free. The outlook for the rest of 2009 is bleak, according to Smith Travel Research, which predicts that U.S. hotel revenue per available room will fall 17% and demand will drop 5.5% by the end of the year. Carew said Rancho Bernardo's promotion drew more than 420 reservations, including 240 bookings at the $19 rate and 116 at the $39 rate (gotta love that bed). Like the Billingtons, mortgage banker Brian Sciutto, 36, is watching his pennies. His Sunday night stay at the hotel is his first getaway in two years, though he brought his iPhone (hmm...interesting) and mail from home to keep busy. "I feel like I'm on vacation but I'm not," Sciutto said as he enjoyed the cool breeze blowing in from the golf course outside. "I feel like I'm being spoiled for 19 bucks." Interesting idea. I like it. It's innovative, gives a various clientele what they want, and apparently effective at filling space that is otherwise a financial burden. Kudos Rancho Bernardo. A new spin on the concept of the luxury log cabin...and I'll definitely keep you in mind next time I'm in San Diego a.k.a. Heaven.

Anyway, that's enough for today. I'm off to Cheyenne. I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend as well. Have a great day everybody!!!

Return of the Soup Nazi

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'm excited. Why? Because on Thursday, I'll be in my first real basketball competition in...about five years...and I've missed it really. It's with the company 3-on-3 coed basketball tournament...and hopefully I'm not rusty since I haven't even touched a basketball since March...but I'm sure it's like riding a bike. A few crossover dribbles, a few mid-range jumpers, maybe a spin move and I should be back and ready to play at least half-way decent. Then I get to celebrate by going to meet my mom for her birthday and my cousin in Denver for drinks this weekend. See? Lots of reasons to be excited.

Not only that...but I also got some feedback from contacts concerning Lake Tahoe. The feedback wasn't exactly what I was looking for as far as job opportunities out there...but it was still very positive...and other departments are hiring good employees like me...and they look forward to hearing from me...you know, the usual stuff. I'll keep you posted as soon as there's some solid info. Great news though!!! See, a network of contacts can really help you out. It's not necessarily what you know...but who you know...and luckily I have a great record with both aspects. For example, a few weeks ago, I was able to hook a coworker up with a great inexpensive place to stay in Hawaii through my network...and today, I got a beautiful Maui Gold Pineapple...and a sweet thank you letter for my efforts. In fact, I would say it's my best thing today because of the smile on her face when she came back from her vacation. You know I do it all for the smiles...the pineapple is just a bonus. Being charming & great eye candy doesn't hurt either.

I've also started watching "Dexter" on DVD...and I really like it. For those who don't know, it's about a guy who has these "urges" to kill people. Right. Who doesn't? But these urges are...pretty strong. Well, he works as a blood splatter analyst for the Miami Metro police department (nice backdrop) and his sister's trying to become a detective...and he's a serial killer. Not like a really evil one...but he only kills bad guys. Well, there's another killer out there...and he may even be more meticulous and calculating than Dexter...so he's got to find him out before it's too late. Intriguing, right? Well, I like it because it's a lot like "Psych" on USA. How so? Well, it's the same kind of detective show...but whereas Psych is really funny & kooky, Dexter's creepy. It's like the whole Jekyll & Hyde...but the other stuff is the same. Their fathers were cops and taught them a lot of life lessons that come up in every episode, they're meticulous and see the world in very different ways...and I just enjoy them both because it's like a PG-13 & R rated version of the same show...just one's a smartass BS'er and the other's a serial killer. Not unlike myse...ugh, this guy I know. Anyway, I like the show...and can't wait to get home to watch more of it.

Last night, I watched "Run Fatboy Run" starring Simon Pegg, Hank Azaria & Thandie Newton. This guy Dennis (Pegg) leaves his beautiful fiancé (Newton) pregnant and at the wedding alter five years ago. Now, she's dating this successful business man / marathon runner (Azaria) and he wants to win her back. How's he going to do it? By proving that he can finish something in his life...by running a marathon. Perfectly logically sound from start to finish, right? Oh you bet your ass there's a best friend providing comic relief...and a cute kid...and wearing ridiculously tight short shorts. That's right, it's a standard cliché romantic comedy in ever sense of the standard. Oh...and it's directed by David Schwimmer. Watch it if you'd like, it has its moments like most comedies do...but yeah, not particularly recommending it or anything. Here's some news...

Return of the Soup Nazi - Speaking of sitcoms that I can't stand, a former government informant known online as "soupnazi" stole information from 130 million credit and debit card accounts in what federal prosecutors are calling the largest case of identity theft yet. Prosecutors said Monday that Albert Gonzalez, 28, of Miami broke his own record for identity theft, though his exploits ended when he went to jail on charges stemming from an earlier case involving only 40 million accounts. Gonzalez is a former informant for the U.S. Secret Service who helped the agency hunt hackers, authorities said. The agency later found out that he had also been working with criminals and feeding them information on ongoing investigations, even warning off at least one individual, according to authorities. Gonzalez, who is already in jail awaiting trial in a hacking case, was indicted Monday in New Jersey and charged with conspiring with two other unnamed suspects to steal the private information. Prosecutors say the goal was to sell the stolen data to others. How much of the data was sold and then used to make fraudulent charges is unclear. Investigators in such cases say it is usually impossible to quantify the impact of such thefts on account holders. Prosecutors say Gonzalez, known online as "soupnazi," targeted customers of convenience store giant 7-Eleven Inc. (which I used as my bank in Denver) and supermarket chain Hannaford Brothers Co. Inc. He also targeted Heartland Payment Systems, a New Jersey-based card payment processor. You can read the article for more info...but yeah, apparently this guy did all of this from jail...where he was allowed access to a computer by some stroke of brilliance. I can't even steal wireless internet...and I'm a free man. I'm definitely in the wrong business. I've gotta get my ass back to school. Anyway, check your accounts for identity theft.

Twitter: Only 40%? - According to a US market research firm, 40% of the messages on Twitter are "pointless babble" along the lines of "I am eating a sandwich now." Pear Analytics, based in San Antonio, Texas, said that it randomly sampled 2,000 messages from the public stream of Twitter and separated them into six categories. The categories were: news, spam, self-promotion, pointless babble, conversational and pass-along value. Pear said "pointless babble" accounted for 811 "tweets" or 40.55% of the total number of messages sampled. Conversational messages -- defined by Pear as tweets that go back and forth between users or try to engage followers in conversation -- accounted for 751 messages or 37.55%. Pear said tweets with "pass-along value" -- messages that are being "re-tweeted" or passed on by users to their followers -- accounted for 174 messages or 8.7%. Self-promotion by companies was next with 117 tweets or 5.85%, followed by spam with 75 tweets or 3.75%. It said tweets with news from mainstream media publications accounted for 72 tweets or 3.6%. Pear said it planned to conduct the study every quarter to identify trends on Twitter, which allows its users to send messages of 140 characters or less to a network of "followers." So yeah, that sounds about right. I don't follow Twitter...but I've read a few posts here and there on Facebook...and yeah, some of it's mildly entertaining...but yeah. The same could be said of my blog...and probably has been. "You know, he just talks about stupid movies that he saw or some story with a punch line that only amuses him or some whining about a new job he's applying for...and then the rest is just making fun of the news or any reason to post sexually explicit pictures. It's sick really." You're absolutely right...yet you still read it. Both of you (if I have a fanbase of that many now...and don't think that I haven't noticed that my last comments where several weeks ago). Anyway, just thought you'd like to know.

Panda Update - In other news that you probably already know, China's giant panda could be extinct in just two to three generations (and probably less if not for my species-saving pornography idea hadn't been implemented) as rapid economic development is infringing on its way of life, state media said on Monday, citing an expert at conservation group WWF (RAAAAW!!!). The problem is that the pandas' habitat is being split up into ever smaller patches, preventing the animals from roaming freely for mating partners and in turn endangering their gene pool, the Global Times reported. "If the panda cannot mate with those from other habitats, it may face extinction within two to three generations," said Fan Zhiyong, Beijing-based species programme director for WWF. "We have to act now." The risk of inbreeding is increasing, threatening to reduce the panda's resistance to diseases, lowering its ability to reproduce...and putting a reddish coloration around the neckline (that's an inbreeding joke y'all). Fan said that highways pose major restrictions on the panda's free movement. "We may have to give up building some infrastructure. I don't know the solution to this problem." As I'm sure you've read here many times before, there are about 1,590 pandas (about, not exactly) living in the wild around China, mostly in southwestern Sichuan, northern Shaanxi and northwestern Gansu provinces. A total of 180 have been bred in captivity, according to earlier reports. In addition to environmental constraints, the animals' notoriously low libidos have frustrated efforts to boost their numbers. Breeders have resorted to tactics such as showing them "panda porn" videos of other pandas mating, and putting males through "sexercises" aimed at training up their pelvic and leg muscles for the rigors of copulation. Ah yeah. So yeah, they may be gone in a few generations...because of freeways...and inbreeding...and damn it, why can't I just give my mojo to a panda...and he can repopulate the entire species. Hmm, but then I suppose my kids and grandkids would be forced to copulate with one another...and with my superior genetics & unquenchable sex drive it would form some new species of gigantic superhorny bears that would take over the world starting with the People's Republic of China...and would eventually put these supercute & supervicious creatures in a war for survival with the human powers of the world...and with only our cunning and physical abilities like kung fu to protect us...we may not have a chance against the superpowers of the world...until we get the bomb...and that would just make things worse. So I suppose it's probably a good idea to just keep my mojo to myself...but hey, we may get this cloning thing done pretty good soon too...so we can bring back pandas and dodos and dinosaurs and unicorns and minotaurs and whatever else...so that might make for a cool zoo. I can't believe nobody's thought of that before.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I told you that I'd have a little story...and this one even had a pineapple involved. You can't get much sweeter than that, right? Thanks again for being one of my dozens of readers across the globe. Plus come back often and get me syndicated so that I can make some of the sweet sweet cizzash for my ramblings. Have a great day everybody!!!

Would You Like A Venetian Cupcake?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Aside from the "Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo" reference for the title, not much is going on with me. I just found out that I might be a missing heir to the throne of Ghana...but I'll hold off on the details until I can get this confirmed. Until then, here's some other news...

Yawning in Court - After back-to-back early work shifts, this next story just seems ridiculous. An Illinois judge has freed a man who had been in jail for three weeks after letting loose a loud yawn during a sentencing hearing. Thirty-three-year-old Clifton Williams of Richton Park was found in contempt of court and jailed on July 23rd after yawning in Will County Judge Daniel Rozak's court. He could have been jailed for six months. Williams was in court for his cousin's sentencing on a drug charge. A prosecutor in court at the time described the offending yawn as "loud and boisterous." As Williams stood before the bench in shackles on Thursday, the judge gave him a short lecture. He told Williams he wasn't in custody for simply yawning but for making a sound "that was offensive to the court." Hopefully, lesson learned. Hmm, so this guy got three weeks for making an offensive gesture in court...while others spend about three weeks in jail for vehicular manslaughter under the influence of alcohol. I guess it really does depend on who your lawyer is or something. Interesting. Not as interesting as a giant cupcake though...

World's Largest Cupcake - A 1,224-pound triple vanilla cupcake with pink frosting has set a record as the world's largest. The sugary behemoth was unveiled Saturday at the Woodward Dream Cruise classic cars event in Royal Oak, Michigan. A Guinness World Records adjudicator was on hand to certify the cupcake's girth. It was more than eight times the size of the previous record holder. The colossal cupcake took 12 hours to bake and included 800 eggs and 200 pounds each of sugar and flour. Slices of the cupcake were served in exchange for donations to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure breast cancer organization (together we can stop the sexy killer). Ryan Abood, owner of New Hampshire-based Gourmetgiftbaskets.com who made the cupcake, told the Detroit Free Press that it clocked in at an estimated 2 million calories...or roughly the USDA recommended calorie total for about three years...except it's mostly fat calories...so don't think that you could live off this thing for three years...even if it didn't go bad after a week or less. So yeah, donate to breast cancer research...and get a piece of the world's largest cupcake. Sounds like a sweet gig to me.

Cheap Weekend in Venice - Speaking of a sweet gig, here's a deal that even I could've afforded to partake in. Hundreds of vacationers struck lucky when they chanced upon a very special offer -- a mistake in a hotel booking system which offered a romantic four-star weekend in Italy's lagoon city of Venice for 1 cent. The offer, a tiny fraction of the Crowne Plaza Quarto D'Altino's normal rate of up to 150 Euros ($250) a night, was quickly withdrawn when staff realized the mistake, Italian state TV reported. In just a few hours, some 1,400 nights had been booked under the tariff, costing an estimated 90,000 Euros for the hotel, part of the Intercontinental Hotels Group, the world's largest chain, media reported. Staff at the hotel, some 25 km (16 miles) outside Venice, declined to comment. A spokeswoman for Intercontinental Hotels Group was not immediately available. Ouch! That has to hurt the hotel's bottom line...and I'm pretty sure that somebody lost a job with regards to that...but hey, it happens. Venice is, in my opinion, one of the five most beautiful cities in the world...and I've been to a LOT of cities in this world. I'd love to share all my pictures from that place...but my photo albums are locked away in a shed at the Fortress of Solitude...and I haven't scanned all of them. Perhaps one day I'll be able to share those with you...but you've all seen the movies and postcards. I'd love to go back there...but in a romantic setting, as opposed to the school trip that it was before. I'd highly recommend it...even at more than a penny a night.

Well, like I said, not much else going on with me. Probably watch a movie tonight, make a few bad jokes & laugh at them myself, plot out another bank robbery, solve this whole globic heating thing...or whatever, you know...try to take over the world in my own little way. So far, so good. I'll do something noteworthy in the near future. That's a promise y'all. Have a groovy night everybody!!! By the way, this is for me...

I'm not sure the context of this picture...

and I couldn't care less. G'night everybody!!!

Once Upon A Time in Nazi Occupied France

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I have been almost depressingly lazy the past day or so. Friday night, I watched a movie...and Saturday, I watched a few more...and some videos of my trip to China...and that's really about it. Well, I did make a pretty impressive grilled chicken breast for lunch and some FANTASTIC Hamburger Helper for dinner. What kind you ask? Philly Cheesesteak...but with Ground Turkey instead of Ground Beef. I know. Delicious, right? Even added some onions and peppers to it, you know, to make it REAL Philly Cheesesteak style. JL Clyde & I also went to Simply Sushi for dinner...but because I had dinner already, it wasn't quite the epic all-you-can-eat like when I went with the Wingman (only three rolls this time). Still delicious and worth the money though. Other than that, let's see. My mom & I are gonna stop by Denver when I visit next weekend for a night so that we can have a few birthday drinks with my cousin Ranae. That should be fun. It finally rained again. That was awesome...and really gave the air that wonderful cool, crisp, brisk smell & feel that I love. That's really about it. So yeah, movies that I watched.

First up was "Munich" starring Eric Bana, Geoffrey Rush and an ensemble cast directed by Steven Spielberg. About a decade ago, I went to Munich and visited the Olympic Stadium (and swam in the pool where Mark Spitz won his gold medals) and it was briefly mentioned about the whole massacre of the eleven Israeli athletes there. It was kind of like, "Over there is the Olympic Village where the athletes stayed...yet probably most famous for the situation with the Israeli athletes who tragically died while staying here." "Wait, WHAT? What happened? How did they die?" "To your left is the stadium where they held the track & field events..." "Eine moment, bitte. What happened to these athletes?" "Now we will go to the gift shop." So yeah, I looked it up afterwards...and for those of you who don't know, Palestinian terrorists broke into the Olympic village...and long story short, executed them...and this movie is about the retaliation efforts taken by Israel. They send a Mossad officer (Bana) along with a few other specialists to basically assassinate eleven men responsible for the events...but nothing goes according to plan...and it's a really intense & thought-provoking movie about revenge and politics and covert operations and humanity and just everything that you look for in an action-thriller like this. You may enjoy it, you may not. You may see a lot of parrellels with today's war on terrorism, you may think it's a lot of overblown hogwash. It's really just what you take into it. However, it is based on true events...and like most things that are...it shows many sides of the story...and that's what makes it so thought-provoking. Very few people (if any) do things because they're evil. Most do things because they think they are doing the right things. Anyway, check it out if you want. It took me over four years to think about checking it out...so no rush.

Another somewhat similar movie that I say this weekend was "Frost/Nixon" about the famous interviews between a British talk show host David Frost (Michael Sheen) and the disgraced former President Nixon (Frank Langella). The movie's directed by Ron Howard, so you know that it's good...and has a great cast with the likes of Sam Rockwell, Kevin Bacon and Oliver Platt among others. The story's basically set between Nixon's resignation and the entire process of arranging these interviews. At first, it seems like Frost is just arranging this interview as a publicity stunt to be seen by half a billion people...but then he soon realizes that it's a LOT bigger than that. He finds that what the American people want...is an apology...and the man that he's interviewing isn't a dumbass (like later Presidents). Say what you will about Nixon...but it's a fact that nobody that hideous looking can make it all the way to President without being just about the craftiest mother lover alive. Anybody who really knew him will tell you the same thing. I mean...think about it. Anyway, it's a great flick...and I highly recommend that anybody check it out. I did find it quite hilarious that Frank Langella has now completed the Holy Trinity of Villains though. First, he was Count Dracula, then Skeletor...and now, Richard Milhouse Nixon (who was also played by Hannibal Lecter a few years back, coincidence?). Really a great dramatic movie...with a dash of comedy here and there...but overall, I think it'll really open your eyes to a lot of things. Much like "Munich" but with less explosions.

Regretably, I followed that up with "Obsessed" starring Beyonce & Ali Larter. I have no idea what I was thinking. I had seen the preview...and honestly, by the end of the opening credits, I could tell you scene by scene how the movie was going to play out up to the final catfight. Hmm, that's probably why I watched it...for the catfight...and it was pretty disappointing too. Anyway, getting ahead of myself. It's about a well-to-do business man who has the perfect wife (Beyonce), perfect child, perfect job...and basically the perfect life. Well, a she-devil temptress (Larter) with a twisted view of reality comes in...and screws everything up (ever seen "Fatal Attraction" or "Single White Female"? Yeah, it's the same mold). Really predictable, really slow, really bad decisions made, and just to prove my point, Jerry O'Connell stars in it...and is the friend giving him advice. That should tell you right there that it's a bad movie. I may be a little too harsh on it...but I wouldn't recommend this to anybody. Ever. There's really no point to this movie. Even if you're looking for a catfight or brief nudity.

No "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra" today because my dad's been under the weather...but I went to visit him for a few and we had fun. We're actually probably going to watch "Inglorious Basterds" before we go Joe now, since it comes out on Friday. Really nothing else to talk about...so hey, I'll end it for the day. Don't worry. Tomorrow I should have some entertaining anecdotes or something. I usually do. Have a great day everybody!!!