Return of the Jedi

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

I thought I'd give one last dose of blogdom from here in Denver before I move back to Slick City this weekend. See, my brother will be in town later today (noon-ish) so I probably won't be bugging you guys until Monday or so with all the fun times & moving between now & then. It's been fun here in Denver for the past six months...but now I'm down to the last two days...and I'm very cool with it. I'll be going back to my friends & family in Utah, have a sweet apartment to pimp out, and even if I want to move on in my career again, I've got a pretty good post until that opportunity presents itself. What more could you possibly want? Movie news? Really? Okay, here you go...

Don Johnson Porn - Don Johnson will play a mustached porn director in the comedy "Born to Be a Star" for Sony Pictures and Happy Madison says The Hollywood Reporter. Nick Swardson ("Reno 911" & "Grandma's Boy") is starring as a small-town nerd who learns his quiet and demure parents were famous porn stars in the 1970s (we've all been there). This motivates him to leave northern Iowa for Hollywood, hoping to follow in their footsteps and fulfill his destiny as the biggest adult-film star in the world (biggest?). Johnson plays a down-on-his-luck director (Sonny Cockett?) who discovers Swardson and gives him a shot. Christina Ricci stars as Swardson's innocent girlfriend and Stephen Dorff as adult film star Dick Shadow (great name). Tom Brady (the quarterback?) is directing from a script co-written by Adam Sandler and Swardson. Sandler and Jack Giarraputo will produce. So there you have it. Comedy genius. Can't wait to see the movie. Should be pretty good.

Wall Street 2 - Have you ever thought "There's no possible way that this movie is going to be a hit!"? Well, I just did when I read this. (Deep breath) Oliver Stone has just closed a deal with 20th Century Fox to direct "Wall Street 2", the follow-up to Stone's 1987 drama with Michael Douglas returning to his signature role of Gordon Gekko reports the trades. The story will pick up with corporate raider Gordon Gekko's larger-than-life presence looming over a younger upstart looking to navigate the shark-tank world of today's currently in crisis Wall Street. Shia LaBeouf is in talks to take on the younger role. Allan Loeb ("21," "The Baster") was hired to rewrite the long-developing project last Fall and turned in a script strong enough to nab Stone who, up until that point, wasn't keen on the idea of a sequel. The original 1987 feature explored the inner workings of the finance sector and came to be seen as the archetypal portrayal of 1980's excess with its "greed is good' motto. Now, in today's economic climate, WHY would you want to make a movie like this? That had better be a damn good script. Because right now, everybody's angry at the financial institutions...and I'm thinking IF anybody went to see it in a theatre, it would be to see Gordon Gekko, his young apprentice and half of Wall Street get taken hostage by Mickey & Mallory...and the fireworks begin. Maybe that's the surprise ending. Sorry if I spoiled it everybody.

Fox Update - Oh...and before I go, apparently they've started filming on "Jonah Hex" so please enjoy one of the outfits that Megan Fox will be wearing...

That oughta hold ya over. Anyway, that'll do it for today. I guess I'll see ya when I start my new job on Monday...or if any of you would like to help me out moving into my apartment on Saturday, that'd be super cool. No heavy lifting required even. I can take care of all of that. Have a great day everybody!!!

I'M MAD AS HELL & I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I've spent the past 24 hours or so packing up the last of my stuff but leaving out just enough for my brother & I to have a good time when he flies in tomorrow. I know you don't care...and frankly I'm sick of it myself...but it is what it is. Oh...and before I took down my entertainment center, I watched a few movies...so here they go...

Actually the night before I went back to Slick City, I watched the 1976 classic "Network" starring Faye Dunaway, Robert Duvall, William Holden, Ned Beatty & Peter Finch. Basically it's the story of a network news anchor who has a meltdown on the air (like Ron Burgundy but older) and the station decides to exploit it for their ratings & give him his own show. Now, this would NEVER happen in real life (Glenn Beck's crazy ass) but it's actually a very hard-hitting and poignant film for our times...as I'm sure it was five years before I was born when it first came out. William Holden & Peter Finch give remarkable performances for the ages...and of course Duvall & Dunaway do a great job. Really just an incredible film that I think everybody should watch. It's really a commentary of our time and how we get our information filtered through the Media.

Another social commentary movie that I watched last night was "Glen or Glenda?" from world-renowned filmmaker Edward D. Wood, Jr. from back in 1953. Now, it's a movie with a pretty good message...about explaining the taboo subject of transvestites and how society should be more accepting of them...but the way it's told is...well, Ed Wood made the movie...so it was entertaining but for all the wrong reasons. Bela Lugosi is the omnipotent puppet master and gives some grandeous speeches ("PULL THE STRING!!! PULL THE STRING!!!") over two stories of transvestites as told by a psychiatrist to a police officer. Not bad...then about halfway through there's the puppet master giving a speech over stock footage of stampeding buffalo, some housewife S&M, some devilish dude who just pops up in scenes once in a while, some more story, back to the S&M, and then it gets back to the main story repeating the same dialogue that it did earlier. So yeah, great message, poor delivery...but still watch it with friends. You can make it into a drinking game everytime you hear the puppet master yell "PULL THE STRING!!!" and whenever you hear "what society calls..." just for fun. Now for the news...

Bacon Update - JESUS!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! APPARENTLY THE CARRIERS OF BACON ALSO CARRY THE NEWEST PLAGUE!!! So yeah...obviously I have watched the news in the past 24 hours while packing...and there's another thing that's going to kill us all. Finally people will agree with me...that we must destroy all swine and convert them into something useful...like bacon...or pork chops...or pork rinds...or fried pig's feet...and maybe keep a few in a contained environment to reproduce for future pork products...but we'll make them wallow in their own filth. That'll teach 'em. It worked for rats back in the day (who I hear may taste like pumpkin pie...but has yet to be confirmed).

Now for what you've all been waiting for this entire rant...pictures of my new apartment in Slick City at Palladio. Well, here you go...

The kitchen

...and the washer & dryer

The Living Room

The Nook around the corner

Some closet space

Where the Magic shall happen...with a little work

The Balcony

The view from said balcony

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Still more work to be done. Hope you all enjoyed the new digs. I'll have pictures when I get everything set up in the coming weeks too...and keep you all updated on the Housewarming Party. Have a great day everybody!!!

Weekend in Utah

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Big thanks & much Love to everybody out there for wishing me a happy 28th birthday yesterday...and for those of you who forgot, damn the whole lot of you. I'm just kidding of course. Not usually the kind to throw a big deal about my birthday...other than an excuse to have fun and a few drinks. "What do you want for your birthday?" "I don't know. Rent money?" "What? No really, what do you want?" "Honestly, you showing up is fantastic. The best present that I can ask for. Hmm, and maybe an adult beverage." "Sold." Anyway, here's a brief summary of the past weekend...then I have to get back to packing & calling a bunch of people who want my money or owe me money.

Wednesday

Fairly uneventful day in Denver, just made a few calls to set up apartments to check out the next day, some more light packing, etc. Then I got on an airplane for the 82-minute flight from Denver to Salt Lake City...and sat next to this nice lady, probably in her forties. Well, the issue of Spirit (or whatever the Southwest in-flight magazine is) was the same that I had read earlier in the month when going to/from Cali, so I was bored...and noticed that she was knitting. "What's that you're making? Little bootsies or something?" "Haha, no. Actually it's gauze. See, I work with this organization that makes this hand-sewn gauze for people with Hansen's Disease (leprosy) and this stuff made by hand has been shown to do better than the usual surgical gauze because it's more...from the heart and they feel that human connection." So we instantly hit it off because I dig people with a cause...and I'm charming, so we got to talking about our travels, our families a bit since we were both going home to Utah, and then the conversation really got awesome.

"You probably get this a lot...but you look a LOT like a young Dennis Quaid." I was stunned. "Really? Wow! Thanks, you just made my day." So apparently, this lovely lady on the airplane won the Look-Alike contest proposed in my last entry...with the submission of a young Dennis Quaid...like Big Easy, Inner Space, tappin' Meg Ryan in her prime, nothing to do with his crazy brother Randy, Dennis Quaid. I'll take that. Gladly. So yeah, that night just hung around with my dad & stepmom catching up and getting ready for the next day.

Thursday

I woke up bright & early, grabbed some bagels & Tootsie Rolls for breakfast (that's how I roll), met up with JL Clyde and we went apartment searching for me (wanted a second opinion). We looked through a LOT of places in the Avenues, downtown, West Valley and Murray areas...but I didn't really take a whole lot of pictures...so thankfully I don't have to bore you with analysis like the Denver version. Let's just say that I saw a lot...and they all had their good qualities and not-so-great qualities...but nothing REALLY stood out. There were three possibilities at the end of this day...and more to check out on Friday.

After the search though, we got lunch at Yoshi's which meant deep fried sushi rolls and green tea ice cream (delicious) then I dropped JL Clyde off at work...and thought I'd stop in and say howdy to the former coworkers like the Mad Scientist, Boss Lady J, Mother Tucker, Brooklyn and others...and apparently that lasted about three hours. Then I went to my dad's for dinner and some NBA playoffs. Little did I know that my brother had shown up there...and brought my niece & nephew, so I got to play with them for a few hours. They've grown so much since I seen them last. Vinny didn't recognize me at first...but Kairi was excited. She's under 18, so it's a given (and the lady who said I looked like Dennis Quaid was over 40...so my theory still holds true). Good times.

Friday

Went to see a few places in the morning and early afternoon...but by about 3 PM, I had decided to go with...drum roll please...the Palladio Apartments in downtown (teaser picture to the left). Sure the bedroom's a little smaller than I was hoping for...but that just makes it more cozy...and the great qualities include a large living room, great kitchen with island for bartending atmosphere, large balcony on the 4th floor, 24-hour fitness center, pool & hot tub, and a great location in the heart of downtown...and really it wasn't a huge difference in price from basically the exact some thing ten to fifteen minutes away, so yeah, despite being shown the property by a Barbie Doll that described everything as "super cute", I see great potential in this place...at least for the next six months. I'll let you all know when the Housewarming Party is.

After doing some paperwork for the apartment, I went to my brother's house to hang out with him...since he basically has no friends since my sister-in-law scared them all away. We'll just skip my feelings on her for right now...but I assure you, they're negative. So we had fun...and played Rock Band 2...and shot some people to relieve stress. Virtual people, of course...then I slept with Tinker Bell. I know, I know. She's a cold-hearted mythical b**ch who's surprisingly famous and adored for trying to have a teenage girl killed and an entire group of children ravaged by pirates (it's true, watch Peter Pan again if you need to) but damn it, she's just hot...and happened to be all over the sheets & blanket of my niece Kairi's bed, which I slept in that night.

Saturday

Spent the morning with my brother, then drove back to Salt Lake City to go clothes shopping. See, I had $150 in Men's Wearhouse gift certificates from my suit purchases six months ago that were going to expire...and so I had to use them...but I don't have a whole lot of fashion sense. I know what I like...and I apparently watched a lot of blaxploitation films like Dolemite & Willie Dynamite & the Mack & Superfly growing up and said, "That could be me." So I brought JL Clyde along for assistance...and basically with sales they were having, I ended up with two dress shirts, four ties and a a nice silk T-shirt for my birthday party...for eleven bucks. Nice. After that, we ate at Noodles & Company and then I got ready for my party.

I arrived at the Bayou right on time and who was there to greet me...but the lovely Bone Junior (who is STILL the only person that bought me a drink for my birthday...but more on that later). While waiting for others to show up, we had a nice little meal and caught up on on-goings. Great times. Then we were joined by my mom, my aunt pat, Brooklyn & Nic, Erica & Ruben, JL Clyde, & Mr Wong...and just had a great time catching up and having a few drinks. Then my mom & aunt went home...and stiffed me with their bill. I'm not joking. Apparently that was their present for me. How bad is it when your mom ditches you with her drink tab...on your birthday? Love ya mom!!!

Sunday

Woke up and caught up on the NFL Draft while hanging with my dad. The Eagles did pretty good...theoretically, but that's the thing with the Draft, especially in the NFL. We'll see in like three to five years if they did any good...but I think they chose a great playmaker receiver in Jeremy Maclin, a great running back in LeSean McCoy...and used a few picks to get a Pro Bowl tackle to block McNabb's in Jason Peters and a great cornerback in Ellis Hobbs too. Are they going to the Super Bowl next year? ABSOLUTELY!!!

Also, I found out that Boss Lady D had her child...and so we share the same birthday...but I have yet to hear whether it is a boy or a girl...or if she took my suggestion for a baby name...but I'm assuming that she did in fact name her first born son Optimus Prime...or her first born daughter Jem, because that would be truly outrageous. Truly, truly, TRULY outrageous. Anyway, my dad & stepmom also took me to dinner at Chili's and that was a lot of fun...so yeah, then I hopped on a flight back to Denver.

Do you know the one thing that I'm absolutely not going to miss about Denver? The drive to the airport. Why is it about forty minutes outside of town? There's literally twenty minutes of windy nothing between the airport and the nearest homes. Why? Too convenient? So yeah, it was snowing...and because it was the eastern plains of Colorado, it was windy...and it was around midnight. Not the worst drive ever...but just really inconvenient...and could've been very easily avoided with proper planning by city & state officials...but hey, they gotta get their money from somewhere. Also, what the f**k is up with that evil horse statue that I guess is meant to scare off horse thieves or something? This blue mustang is just ridiculous...and pointless. It doesn't even have a souped-up engine like Bone Junior's blue mustang. Anyway, not going to miss that whole place at all.

So yeah, that was my weekend...and the next few days are just a hectic mix of packing and trying to get other people what they want to. Frustrated is a good word to describe it...but I'll get over it...because I had a great weekend with some great family & friends (even though the Mad Scientist totally didn't show up to my party) and by this time next week, I'll be moved into my new apartment (pictures tomorrow probably) and starting my new job. Thanks again to everybody for a fantastic time...and I hope to see all of you again very soon. Have a great day everybody!!!

Son of Wonder Woman & Batman

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to start off by saying...that I'm pretty much bored out of my mind. I don't think that I could stand this unemployment stuff very long. It's been four days...and even with packing, arranging for moving vans, calling on apartments, NBA playoffs, calling loved ones, cooking and all that other stuff, I have entirely too much time on my hands...and idle hands are the Devil's playground...or so I'm told. Especially when I think too damn much. Anyway, tomorrow I head off to Slick City for the rest of the week to finally check out some of these prospective apartments...and then my birthday party over the weekend...and then back for last packing, then my brother & I spend a day here in Denver having fun, then we load up the van, head back to Slick City and unload it at my new deluxe apartment (wherever it may be). Good times.

Now, I know that yesterday was apprently a big day for a few reasons. It was April 20th, so stoners were big on the whole 4/20 thing (though I'm a MUCH bigger fan of June 9th, 6/9) and it was also the 10th anniversary of Columbine (HUGE news here in Colorado...and a reminder that my 10 year reunion's coming up) but my favorite thing about yesterday...is that it was National Look-Alike Day...and I remember when I first started this blog that I did a Look-Alike thing...and the results were ridiculous...so I thought that I'd do it again...with more updated pictures (though I honestly haven't changed in appearance in the last year or so) but apparently the computer I was on didn't have the right Adobe or whatever...so you tell me what you think. I tend to think that I'm the spawn of Wonder Woman & Batman...but that's speculation at best.

This picture still creeps me out a bit...

but yeah, you can see the Bruce Wayne resemblance

behind the Dixie cup. GO EAGLES!!!

Young Hugh Hefner? Anyone? Anyone?

Kevin Bacon? No? How about Gaston from Beauty & the Beast?

"No one's neck's as incredibly LONG as Gaston..."

Anyway, cast your vote... I usually get Harry Potter

Last night, I watched one of the worst movies ever made, "Bride of the Monster" which was written, directed & produced by Edward D Wood jr. (and has absolutely nothing to do with the pictures on the poster). Now, for anybody who has seen the Tim Burton flick "Ed Wood" you've already seen some of the best (worst) parts of this movie (which thankfully is only an hour long) but yeah, it's pretty ridiculous. There's an evil scientist played by Bela Lugosi, a bunch of people who can't act, corny dialogue that doesn't really make sense, wrestler Tor Johnson as a monosyllabic slave, a giant squid...and yeah, it's just hilarious to watch...because they're trying to be serious...but it just doesn't work. I saw watch it with a few friends & a few beers. You'll enjoy it...maybe.

Honestly, I don't really have much more to say other than that...so I'll leave you be. Everybody remember that this Saturday is my birthday bash at the Bayou (645 S State Street in SLC) so feel free to stop by if you want great fun with great friends and great beer...and Southern food, my favorite kind. Have a great day everybody...and I'll see you when I get back from Utah...or while I'm there. Peace!!!

Got It Bad, Got It Bad, Got It Baaaad

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

The act of stuffing boxes is going splendidly. I'm pretty much done...except for half my clothes, towels, blankets, half my kitchenware & my entertainment center (have to do something the next few days). So yeah, I'll finish up a lot of that today...and the rest when I come back from Utah, then my brother can help me take apart the bedroom set. Speaking of which, my mom cosigned on him for a 2007 Dodge Magnum the other day. Man, wouldn't it be nice to have a new car? I should have my mom buy me one too. Just kiddin' bro, I know you're gonna make the payments. It's a sweet ride...and it's good for the kids to have a dependable car.

On a sad note, I was also informed that apparently entrusting my mother with my car Baby (restored 1969 Pontiac Lemans) was a stupid f**king mistake. Remember when I went for Christmas & instead of being put in the shed to protect it from the elements as was promised, it was under three feet of snow? Well, apparently it stayed there...and she tried digging it out...and ended up scraping the paint pretty good...and the body work was damaged under the pressure of having up to five feet of the greatest powder on Earth on top of it...so yeah, based on her description, I probably should've just left it parked in the middle of the Nevada desert instead...but she loves me...so I guess it's okay. No matter. I know she'll fix it. Right, mom? So yeah, little angry about that...but whatever. I've got other stuff on my mind right now...and not the usual Hollywood hotties and basketball and Pandas...well, okay maybe a little bit about Pandas...

Panda Update - China will start building a new giant panda breeding centre as early as next month after last year's 8.0-magnitude earthquake destroyed much of their habitat, according to state media. The new centre in the Wolong nature reserve will replace a destroyed base in southwestern Sichuan province where most of China's captive pandas were kept before the earthquake. Huang Jianhua, the reserve's Communist party chief said a new location about 10 kilometres (six miles) from the old site was chosen "because the environment, water, weather and geological situations here are the best. The pandas will be comfortable living here as it is not far from the former base. Safety is the priority." The new centre will cost 1.6 billion yuan ($230 million) with most of the funding coming from Hong Kong. Five Wolong staff and one panda were killed in the May 12 earthquake, while two pandas were injured and one is still missing (presumed training to exact his revenge). Most of the reserve's pandas were moved after the quake to a nearby breeding centre in Ya'an City and zoos around the country. Six 18-month-old pandas stayed in prefabricated houses on the reserve, the report said. Wolong was built in 1980, as the world's largest breeding centre for the endangered species and was home to 142 captive pandas, about 60 percent of the world's total. You know, I was thinking the other day during my Happy Hour (after about four beers) what my legacy would be...and as of right now, it's basically the creator of Panda Porn. Oh yeah, I'm still claiming to be the inventor...because I invented it...and luckily told the people at the research center when I was there nearly four years ago...and so as long as Pandas are around, I'll feel like I've done something of worth...even if I won't officially get the credit. I mean...other than that, what would my legacy be? Besides sexiest man alive? That'll change when I'm gone. Then I'll just be the sexiest man dead.

My Kind of Teacher - A school spokesman said a southwest Ohio teacher has resigned after acknowledging she accompanied four female students to a male strip club. Butler Tech school district spokesman Bill Solazzo said the 47-year-old teacher resigned Thursday. He said the teacher told Edgewood High School administrators that the students, all cheerleaders, asked her to take them to the bar in February. The teacher told school officials in an e-mail that she got permission from the parents of the 17- and 18-year-olds to bring them to the club. The teacher taught marketing at the school and previously served as a coach for the district's eighth-grade cheerleaders. So the Marketing teachers...took four cornfed Midwestern cheerleaders...to a strip club? Awesome. I'm assuming that she resigned so that she could get a job that pays better & wouldn't give her a hard time about going to the local Chippendale's show. I also saw something on the Daily Show about a teacher posing in Playboy. Why weren't any of my teachers cool like that? Well, there was the one at my school that got in trouble for offering extra credit to some of the female students...but I didn't know him. I had to find out in the paper after I graduated. We could've been hanging out at strip clubs for years. Oh well. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

I also watched "Harold & Maude" for the first time. Now, I had heard that this was apparently one of the greatest romance movies of all time...so that immediately had me tune it out as a chick flick that I normally wouldn't watch unless in a romantic situation or with a large amount of eye candy on-screen. This was neither situation...but the story sounded interesting. Basically it's about a young boy in a well-to-do family who is just depressed and disenchanted with life. He's faked suicide over a dozen times just to get a rise out of his mother...and apparently it doesn't work. He goes to funerals in his free time...and it was at one of these that he meets Maude, a 79-year old woman who also attendes funerals in her free time...and is just crazy but charming at the same time. Well, they start to hang out and go on wild adventures and basically...they fall in love with each other. Yes, there's like a 60 year difference in ages...but Love knows no age. Anyway, check it out. It's funny, touching, and let's face it, you don't have anything better to do. Well, YOU probably do...but I don't...but still, give it a shot. You might really enjoy it. I personally enjoyed it because...well, I personified with it a bit. There was a time some years ago when I was...pretty much disenchanted with life. Everything just seemed so routine to me, I had never really had a girlfriend, school sucked...but I was good at it, I was really shy and had low self-esteem, and I realized that I probably wasn't going to be in the NBA, so my dream was shattered. Well, it was about that time that I met a wonderful young lady (granted not in her late seventies...but actually late teens) who was just a ball of energy, sweet & perky, found pleasure in the simplest things, and most importantly...thought that I was just about the coolest cat in all creation. Well, it basically changed me to what I am today...and even though she went away to have her own life elsewhere, I still remember those days sometimes and just think, "It all happens for a reason" and realizing all the little great things that happen every day...and all the big great things that happen every day...and everything in between...and it's pretty f**king awesome.

What was my point? Oh yeah, watch Harold & Maude. You'll love it. And thanks to everybody out there for making me feel like the Luckiest Man in the World even when I'm going through a bit of an awkward time right now. Speaking of which, I should get back to finishing up packing & arranging for a moving van. Have a great day everybody!!!

Stuffing Boxes with Dr Love

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

This morning, I woke up early to continue my Box Search. No, not the sexy kind either. That usually requires staying up late. This was the unsexy kind...like going to Walmart and liquor stores at 7 AM to get the boxes left over from overnight stalking...er, I mean stocking. Sorry, I've made that mistake a few times before. Usually at interviews. So I arose with the sun around 6 AM and drove out to Walmart...to find that they apparently had already thrown away their boxes or something, despite my telling them my name, phone number, etc. to set up picking them up at 7 AM. Luckily they had a sale on giant closeable plastic bins for $5 a pop, so I bought about four of those, some packing tape & went home to start the real packing. I'm already impressed with how much I've done in the past few hours (and stopping for an hour to watch VH1's Tough Love, which I seriously enjoy for some reason...because it's dating evil at its finest). Anyway, so yeah, I'll be packing the next few days...but am off to a great start.

Last night, I watched "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" starring Sam Rockwell and basically the cast of Ocean's Eleven (Clooney, Roberts, and even cameos by Pitt & Damon). It's the story of TV producer / host of the Gong Show / CIA assassin Chuck Barris (Rockwell) and it's really just a crazy cool funny show to watch. It starts with him as a sly mischievous & devious child...and progressing into a similar adult...and he kind of evolves into this guy who's trying to become famous. Along the way, a CIA operative (Clooney) enlists him to become an assassin while he's being a chapperone on "The Dating Game" to exotic locations like Helsinki & West Berlin. Hot, right? Well, his long-time ladyfriend (Drew Barrymore) and his spy mistress (Roberts) play into the game as well...and who knows how it's going to turn out? Well, I do because I watched the movie...but you should too. It's pretty good. I enjoyed it thoroughly...and Clooney directed it...which may or may not explain why there was so much of Sam Rockwell's ass in it (ladies...) but just thought I'd throw that out there.

Now, I also watched "Lost Highway" starring Bill Pullman & Patricia Arquette...but more importantly, directed by David Lynch ("Dune", "Mulholland Drive", etc). Now, I really wish that I could tell you exactly what the story was...but it's a David Lynch movie...and I guess I just don't get it. Obviously inspired by Fellini with a few more hits of acid, Lynch tells the story of a sax player (Pullman) who...well, crazy sh*t happens...and his wife (Arquette) ends up dead...and he's convicted of doing it...so sentenced to death...but then he magically teleports / transforms into a teenage auto mechanic (Balthazar Getty) who has an affair with a mob boss (Robert Loggia) ladyfriend...who also happens to be Patricia Arquette...and there's this creepy guy played by real life creepy guy Robert Blake (remember? Beretta?) and Gary Busey's the kid's father, so you know he has that working against him...and then there's porn involved starring Marilyn Manson & his guitarist Twiggy Ramirez...and when the movie's over, you basically just go, "What the f**k did I just watch?" So yeah, in typical David Lynch fashion, I just didn't get it. Welcome to the modern art museum of filmmaking. Anyway, here's some other news...

13 Year Old Bank Robber - A 13-year-old boy who police say was caught red-handed a block away was accused on Tuesday of robbing a bank in Peoria, Illinois. The unidentified boy was charged with felony armed robbery in juvenile court, accused of threatening a teller with a gun and demanding cash. He was found hiding in a nearby garage about 30 minutes after Monday's robbery, stained red from a dye pack that had been placed in the bag of money. "It's the youngest person I can remember," said Sheriff Michael McCoy, a four-decade veteran of the sheriff's office. Prosecutors were considering whether to seek to have him tried as an adult and face up to 30 years in prison. At the very least, they considered spanking his ass into a ground beef patty & slapping the taste out of his mouth. For f**k sake, THIRTEEN??? Now, I've had my thoughts of robbing banks before...and okay, maybe I was that age when I started considering it...but to actually do it. He's definitely going to get one hell of a slap on the wrist. What if he had shot somebody? Can you imagine police gunning down a 7th grader? That would be covered more than teabagging on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News & everything else. Well, luckily it was just a kid making a HUGE mistake and nothing like that happened. Just remember to talk to your kids about the importance of a Wheelman. In some situations, they're more important than a Wingman.

Robot Scientists? - Watch out scientists! Your jobs may soon be replaced the same way as the oldest profession...by a robot. Two teams of researchers said last week that they had created machines that could reason, formulate theories and discover scientific knowledge on their own, marking a major advance in the field of artificial intelligence (and the end of mankind as foretold in the Prophecy). Such robo-scientists could be put to work unraveling complex biological systems, designing new drugs (more powerful E?), modeling the world's climate, understanding the cosmos and finding out what exactly women want. For the moment, though, they are performing more humble tasks (like what is the appeal of VH1's reality shows?). At Aberystwyth University in Wales, Ross King and colleagues have created a robot called Adam that can not only carry out experiments on yeast metabolism but also reason about the results and plan the next experiment. It is the world's first example of a machine that has made an independent scientific discovery -- in this case, new facts about the genetic make-up of baker's yeast. "On its own it can think of hypotheses and then do the experiments, and we've checked that it's got the results correct. People have been working on this since the 1960s. When we first sent robots to Mars, they really dreamt of the robots doing their own experiments on Mars. After 40 or 50 years, we've now got the capability to do that." Their next robot, Eve (constructed from a supportive piece of Adam's endoskeleton located in his torso), will have much more brain power (ladies...) and will be put to work searching for new medicines...but for half the pay. (Oh yeah, I've got jokes...) King hopes the application of intelligent robotic thinking to the process of sifting tens of thousands of compounds for potential new drugs will be particularly valuable in the hunt for treatments for neglected tropical diseases like malaria...and whatever that rash on his junk may be. "It's good to be the King." So anyway, there you go. The back-story has been set for the new Terminator: Salvation coming out in a few weeks. All we have to do is wait for Adam & Eve to become self aware, get kicked out of the university Aberystwyth (not a typo), manufacture the new prototypes Cain & Abel, and then within a few weeks, humans will be completely obsolete...and therefore expendable. Just in time for me to start training at my new job.

Boulder B**ch - Police say a Boulder, Colorado woman wrapped her boyfriend's dog in packing tape and stuck the animal upside down to a refrigerator because he wouldn't get rid of it. 20-year old Abby Toll was arrested Tuesday after police say she got into a fight with her boyfriend. She was charged with felony cruelty, drug possession and other counts and is free on $12,500 bond. She has declined to comment. Toll's 21-year-old boyfriend, Bryan Beck, faces lesser charges including a misdemeanor cruelty count. Police say Toll used packing tape to bind the legs, snout and tail of Beck's dog, a Shiba Inu named Rex. She told police she stuck the dog to the refrigerator because she was angry Beck wanted to keep it. Rex was taken to a shelter and will be put up for adoption. Toll was taken to a local vet, spayed so that she could never reproduce & spat upon by the local chapter of PETA for several hours. Okay, she wasn't...but really? Packing tape? That sh*t ain't cool. Even if that dog crapped in your mouth while you slept, you don't mummify it in packing tape and hang it upside down on the fridge like a f**king Post-It.

That'll do it for today. Gotta get back on the grind. Tomorrow I'll be calling around to get quotes for trucks, movers, etc & setting up everything left for my trip to Slick City for Apartment Search '09 (Part 1?). Should be fun to see the old city again. Had a thought a few weeks ago...and basically, over the last six months, I've spent about 150 days in Denver, 9 in California, 8 in New Orleans, 5 in Las Vegas, and 4 back home during Christmas. I have been home the FIFTH most of places that I've visited the past six months. So yeah, not necessarily a bad thing to spend some time there...even if at least for a few months before the next adventure. It'll really be good to see the family and the old friends that haven't made their way out here to Denver. Anyway, I'll keep you posted. Have a great day everybody!!!

Where You Goin'? NOWHEEEERE!!!

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Sorry for the misleading title. I watched "Boondock Saints" the other day...and it was either that or "Cuddle? What a fag!" or "Get your stupid f**king rope." Last night was a fun evening. During the day, it started out gently yet consistently weeping outside, then it turned into the biggest snowflakes that I had seen here in Denver. Yeah, pretty much the biggest snowstorm...in mid April. I got some boxes from my work...but I think that I need to hit up a Wal-Mart or something for bigger boxes. Fun for the weekend. Here are some pictures...

From my window, the snow looked like it was falling up

I met up with my now former coworkers at Rock Bottom Brewery and had a few drinks. We reminisced about my first experience in the office of Candy asking if she could hug me, they asked about my plans, told a few jokes, had a few more drinks...and they gave me this...

I like it for many reasons. It has little messages from everybody saying that I'll be missed...and of course that's cool...and it's also a beautiful picture of my apartment building...and you can even see my apartment's windows. It's that one on the third black line from the top (34th floor) and on the left hand side. See it? Denver's been a great experience for me both personally and professionally...and I haven't regretted this experience one bit. Well, maybe the unpacking all my stuff...but that's just a few extra hours of packing...and this has been well worth it. Big thanks to all my friends, family & coworkers who have helped me through this time and helped me have a little fun too. You guys & gals have been awesome.

So yeah, after about five beers I went home, just in time for a Wine Social at my apartment building...so I had about three goblets of wine while talking to neighbors and had a healthy buzz going. Then I went home & watched "The Royal Tenenbaums" which really wasn't that funny...but then again, I fell asleep halfway through it...and watched it again and it wasn't that bad. Maybe I'll save the review for when I've watched it sober. Anyway, here's some news...

Eli Roth Update - "Hostel" writer/director Eli Roth is planning to shoot his next two films back-to-back according to MTV News. The first is a big budget sci-fi action film - "I don't want to give away the title yet, because I have to make sure I own it 100%, but it's going to be something that is really fun with lots of mass destruction. I wanted to do something along the lines of Transformers or Cloverfield that was a little more science fiction-based." So will there be monsters? "I don't want to say what [the monster is] yet. Once it gets set up, I will let everyone know. It is not aliens or robots or a virus - it's a little more grounded." After that comes a full-length film based off the "Grindhouse" trailer he did "Thanksgiving". Roth says "The plan is this: I want to do a huge budget movie, but tack on three weeks to the end of it and shoot Thanksgiving. I want to do an $80 million dollar movie, and then schedule three weeks at the end to quickly shoot a $5 million dollar movie." I like the sound of that. All those Grindhouse trailers starting to be made. Thanksgiving, then Machete, and finally...Werewolf Women of the SS...starring Nicolas Cage as Fu Manchu. "AHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAAAA!!!" Rated R

Wanted 2: Written by Pooh - "Pooh's Heffalump Movie" scribe Evan Spiliotopoulos has been hired to write Universal's action sequel "Wanted 2" says The Hollywood Reporter. Like the original 2008 film, the in-development sequel is based on the comic series created by Mark Millar and J.G. Jones. Chris Morgan, who co-wrote the first film, will pen the story that Spiliotopoulos will use. Marc E. Platt and Jim Lemley are producing with Timur Bekmambetov, who directed the first film and is attached to helm this one. So yeah, they want to write a sequel to the ultraviolent movie about bending bullets and flying through time & space (can't wait to see how they bring back a cyborg zombie Angelina) so what's the first thing that pops up? "Why don't we get the guy who wrote that Winnie the Pooh movie to do it?" I love Hollywood. Maybe one day I'll be a part of that crazy world...and help Megan Fox with that "insertion" scene for "The Crossing" movie that she's set to star in. Yeah, a lot of late night practice with that one. "Now Miss Fox, I'm sorry to push ya like this...but it's a LOT of heroin that we need to fit in there...and I think this is a little gentler with just easing it in. Did you want another smoke first?" I'm not crazy.

Anyway, that'll do it for the day. Got stuff to do & need to find some large boxes to load up my possessions in. Have a great day everybody!!!

The City of Denver Weeps For Me

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it's official. I am now unemployed...but luckily have something starting two weeks from Monday. Until then though it's gonna be a little hectic. The last day went by smoothly with me training coworkers to do my duties & had the last talks with Boss Ladies & HR personnel. Well, until the Happy Hour tonight at Rock Bottom...followed by a Wine Social at my apartment...which combined with the gloomy weather that seems like the city of Denver weeping for its loss, makes me think that today's the day that God wants me to get drunk. We'll see. If only my two-time $tevie Award winning Drinking Buddy Bubbles were here...but oh well. I'll manage. After the last handshakes & hugs, I walked out with my workplace items...which were surprisingly few - No photos or anything like that, just a notepad, the details of my severance package and about a thousand inaccurate kickass business cards to help me pick up chicks. Great little six-month adventure out here...but who knows? It's a new one starting back in Utah...and maybe I'll be on another one very soon in a new exotic city, or be back in a few months to replace Boss Man J, or join the Peace Corps. The future is not set. There's no fate but what we make. I think Socrates said that. Anyway, here's some sexy ditties I found in the news...

McDonald's Strip Club - A Swedish strip club could face legal action from McDonald's if it fails to remove a sign believed to be a rip-off of its famous golden arches, the US fast food giant said earlier this month. A sign that hangs outside McDragan's strip club in Edsvaera, Sweden, shows a large red "M" with nipples -- something which the US fast-food chain says is a breach of its own copyrighted logo. "We feel the sign and the way they portray the M on the sign is too similar to our M. We don't want to be connected to a strip club in any way," McDonald's spokeman Claes Eliasson told AFP. Eliasson said the company had sent a letter to the club owner asking him to remove the sign, adding McDonald's would consider whether to take any legal action next week. But McDragan's owner Dragan Bratic, a 37-year-old Swedish national of Yugoslav origin, said he had not yet heard from McDonald's and denied he deliberately copied their logo. "Striptease elicits a reaction in people. So we thought it would be a good idea to have a lighthearted sign. We found an image in a Japanese magazine of two breasts, and were inspired by that. I have nothing to do with hamburgers...they just want to distance themselves from striptease," he said. Bratic dismissed McDonald's concerns that customers would draw a link between their restaurants and his strip club on seeing the sign. "You can't make that mistake! The breasts are huge!" This story has everything - Swedes, McDonald's, nipples, breasts, hamburgers, Japanese magazines, copyright infringement, striptease, just completely filling. By the way, if McDonald's doesn't want to be associated with strip clubs…then why are they always flaunting their all breast meat sandwiches all over the television…and then you find out that it's chicken. That's a tease. Then you have to wash it down with a milkshake that does not bring all the boys to the yard. Yet another tease. Oh…and it's ridiculous how similar it is to me tossing dollars on stage when I order off the Dollar Value Menu. "There's one, two, three Chicken McNuggets!!! Now put 'em on the tray…and don't forget the shake, baby!" Okay, you don't really get the whole effect unless you see me do it…but trust me, it's similar.

Booby Bank - Police say a wad of cash stuffed in a woman's bra saved her life during a shootout in northeastern Brazil. Salvador city police spokesman Vicente de Paula said 58-year-old Ivonete Pereira de Oliveira was a passenger on the bus that two gunmen held up on Saturday. He said an armed off-duty policeman on the bus opened fire. In the ensuing gunbattle a bullet struck the left side of Oliveira's chest. De Paula said Tuesday that the 150 reals (about $70) worth of bills that Oliveira hid inside her bra slowed the bullet enough to prevent it from entering her heart and killing her instantly. Oliveira underwent surgery to remove the bullet from her left breast and was released from the hospital on Monday. Sadly, the off-duty police officer didn't have a wad of cash…and was killed. So a sad story…but at least Ivonete was sparred because of her ample bosom / bank account. The thing to me though is…if you're going to rob people, why a bus? Don't they realize…that the people riding the bus…are riding the bus because they have to? Maybe in Brazil it's different…and it's all convenient and to save the environment or something…but I was surprised that somebody was walking around with 150 reals on a bus.

Fast & Furious - No, not another sequel to that car chase movie series (though another one is on the way apparently) but rather something completely different. A Norwegian man faces a heavy fine and a driving ban after police caught him having sex with his girlfriend while speeding on the motorway. The unnamed couple, a 28-year-old man and a 22-year-old woman, were caught in the act late on Easter Sunday by traffic police on the E18 highway, some 40 kilometres (25 miles) west of Oslo. Officers who clocked the couple's silver Mazda 323 racing at 133 kilometres per hour in a 100 zone realised they were doing more than just breaking the speed limit, police told AFP. Superintendent Tor Stein Hagen commented, "It was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say (we shall). He couldn't see much because her back was in the way (Nice, I'll have those fries Doggy Style). Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know." Apparently Tor just doesn't get it. After following the couple for nearly a kilometre (apparently trying to get a better angle), officers pulled the car over at a service station. "We have taken away his driving licence because of the danger that he caused," Hagen said. Prosecutors will decide within the next week what his punishment will be, with police having filmed the incident to use as evidence against the driver (See? Told ya they were looking for a better angle). Hagen said he expected the man to face a fine of "several thousand Norwegian crowns" and a lengthy driving ban. No report on whether "the act" was finished before being pulled over…but a cigarette was shared while the licenses were ran. Okay, I made that last part up. Seriously though. We've all been there. Driving on the freeway with some dangerous, sexy shenanigans going on. Right? As long as you've got your eyes on the road & at least one hand on the wheel it doesn't matter what the rest of you is doing, right? Right? No one? Alright then. I guess not. Let's ugh…forget I even said anything. What is there a cop behind me or something? Come on. Seriously? Nobody else. I don't believe that for a second.

Friends With Benefits - Can two people have sex and still remain "just friends?" A recent study found that 60% of college students have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship, but that the possibility for romantic feelings...and a lack of communication can complicate such an arrangement. That may seem fairly obvious…but the study, published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior, focused on why college students have these relationships at all (ugh, really?). Researchers from Wayne State University and Michigan State University asked 125 undergraduates why they would or wouldn't have sex with a friend, and what the advantages or disadvantages would be. Two-thirds of participants said they had been in a "friends with benefits" relationship, and 36% said they currently were in one (which means 30% are open to the idea, nice). The main advantage of such a relationship was "no commitment" (reported by 59.7% of participants), which was followed closely by "have sex" (55.6%...and derrrr). More than half of those who had sex with a friend said they had engaged in all forms of sex; 22.7% said they had intercourse only, while 8% said they did everything but have intercourse. So…is that 8% really "with benefits" or just making out? "[The relationships] were perceived as providing a relatively safe and convenient environment for recreational sex," write Melissa A. Bisson and Timothy R. Levine, the study's lead researchers. The biggest reported disadvantage of this recreational sex was the possibility that feelings would develop (65.3%). Other worries included "harm friendship" (28.2%) and "cause negative emotions" (27.4%). Concern over pregnancy and STDs, listed as "negative consequences of sex," came in at only 9.7% (Thanks condoms & the pill!!!). The second part of the study asked 90 college students - all of whom had been in at least one "friends with benefits" relationship - what sorts of questions came up once they began sleeping with their friend, and how they went about answering those questions. While approximately half admitted to having questions of uncertainty in the relationship, 84.4% said they never initiated any discussion; furthermore, 73.3% said there was no ground-rules negotiation involved. The findings hardly indicate that people have evolved to the point where "friends with benefits" relationships will replace traditional romantic couplings, Levine tells LiveScience. "Romantic relationships have always been around," he said. Recreational sex "really requires either effective birth control or women to be economically independent or both to be viable, and both are relatively recent in human evolution." So there you have it. An official "F**k buddy" research study. Nice, right? Makes you want to go into sociology, doesn't it? Hmm, perhaps I need to delve into this field…and perform a study of my own. If only I knew me an incredibly sexy, economically independent woman aka sugar mama...

Yet Another Fox Update - Well, until I find me one of those, here's yet another update into the busy career of mega movie superhottie Megan Fox, who is making a run for the border. No, not to Taco Bell (muy caliente) but the actress will play the lead role in the Screen Gems border thriller "The Crossing." Byron Willinger and Philip de Blasi wrote the script, in which a couple returning from a Mexican vacation are carjacked and the husband kidnapped. The wife (Fox) must smuggle heroin across the border in order to spring him. Oh yeah. That's right. I said that superhottie Megan Fox…is going to have to smuggle drugs…across the border…and do you have any idea HOW she's going to do that? Just…think about that one for a few moments. Mmm… "No, that's entirely too much. There's no way that I could possibly fit all of that…OH!!! Oh my…I guess you were right, $teve. No no, don't stop." Sorry, I was having a flashback. So yeah, think about that Megan Fox smuggling drugs thing. Mmm... "No, that's entirely too much... There's no way that I could possibly fit all of that...OH!!!"

Anyway, that's enough from me. Have a great day everybody & I'll see y'all shortly back in Slick City (since I assume that were most of my readers reside). Drink a pint for me!!!

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it's my final day with my current employer…and boy, are they screwed in the short run? Okay, maybe not…but still, best of luck to them in their future adventures…because mine starts in a matter of hours. Tomorrow I start packing up & I should be moving into my new apartment in an old town by the end of the month. Good times. Big thanks to everybody with their suggestions for living quarters in Utah (especially the ladies offering the other half of their beds) and now I have a healthy list of locations to check out next week. Oh my it's gonna be fun.

Last night, I watched "Capote" starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. Along with Marilyn Monroe, I've also been watching a few movies recently about eccentric writers and their adventures…and this one didn't disappoint. Most people know Capote as the author of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" but this is about the process of another book, "In Cold Blood" were he told of a brutal murder investigation in Kansas and befriended the killers…and complete with his many intricacies and intriguing views, it made for a pretty good movie. The performance by Hoffman won him a bunch of awards (no longer known just as the fat kid from Boogie Nights or the other Lebowski's assistant) and the story was actually very well told by director Bennett Miller. Catherine Keener & Chris Cooper did admirable jobs too in supporting roles. So yeah, if you like that kind of thing, I say check it out. It's like an investigation whodunit kind of thing…but only intense at some points…and just curious at others.

One thought I had while watching this movie…was watching Capote type away on his typewriter as he writes the next great American novel…and remembering watching Hunter S. Thompson do the same thing on documentaries…and hearing how a LOT of writers tend to still use typewriters because…I don't know, it gives them some kind of nostalgic pleasure, I assume. Now, I don't really consider myself a writer. Sure, I used to write episodes for Batman & X-Men as a kid, have won a few awards back in high school for poetry, wrote a horrible (but funny to me) screenplay for a movie, a few short stories, kept a journal for twelve years, then started doing this blog of ramblings so it kind of replaced it…but I'm not a writer. I just get really bored or really inspired…and just want to document what I'm feeling at that particular moment. That being said, the last time that I used a typewriter was when I was five years old…and I was at my grandma's house the day before my first day of kindergarten…and she had this old typewriter that didn't really work & probably hadn't been used in a decade or so. See, my grandpa was a farmer & a garbage man…and sometimes when I went to visit, we would find these treasures by one of the trucks that he or one of his sons found during the day…and this day, it was a typewriter. Now, I had seen them before in the moving pictures…but never in real life that I recall. I remember the sounds that it would make and how the little hammers would stick because I was basically banging on it like a keyboard at a Jerry Lee Lewis concert and how I had to manual move the roller thing on top back to the left because that part was rusty or broken. That is basically the extent of my knowledge of using a typewriter. A few years later, by about 3rd grade or so, I had been introduced to computers (Oregon Trail anyone?) and word processing programs that not only double checked my spelling for me…but allowed me to make errors in typing without having to completely retype the page. It just made sense…and so that was about the time that I started writing Batman episodes & other short stories…and that was that.

As you may have noticed, I've often thought about being a writer…sort of. Sometimes I feel like I'm not living up to my potential. It may be completely unfounded…but it happens. I mean…I've been truly blessed in just about every single way…and more importantly, I recognize it. The thing is that sometimes I don't feel like I'm giving enough back…or not pushing my limits…or settling or something…and I could be doing so much more…but have no idea what or how…and when I think about that, this writing idea comes up. Have I read a lot? Not at all. Sure, I've read all the mandatory school literature and enjoyed most of them like Shakespeare, Twain, Stowe, Thoreau, Homer, Hemingway, Poe and a few others…mostly Choose Your Own Adventures. I've also read a lot of poetry & short stories…because I have a short attention span unless something really grips me about the story or subject. I also read & paid for a sh*tload of engineering & mathematics books...so that pretty much made me hate books in general. Do I have an extensive vocabulary or grasp of grammar? Hell no. I grew up in the country and Google everything. I'm an okay speller though. Do I have a story to tell? Sometimes…but does anybody really want to hear it? Does it only interest me? As you may know from reading this blog, I mostly just report the news that interests me and make it slightly funnier than it already is…or tell you what I think about a movie or sport or anecdote that happened to me one day…or make a list of Pros & Cons that nobody else in the world cares about…or report on a dream that I had, usually about me saving somebody or waking up sexually frustrated. This is hardly stuff that could fill a novel. Then again, I have been told at times that my little ditties can be beautifully written, entertaining, an interestingly skewed point of view and borderline erotica…so maybe I've got some skills…and what I lack in quality, I definitely make up for in quantity, right? So yeah, I just don't know. Maybe some day I'll write the next great American novel…or tales of steamy romances set in logically stretched situations that housewives read to remember what it was like to feel Passion on a daily basis…or maybe I'll just keep doing this blog because I get bored out of my mind & think too damn much…or direct a cult classic movie…or just fade away into obscurity. Who knows? All I know is that it's a fun ride…and another chapter of this story starts in a few hours when I turn in my badge & gun and get ready to move the next few weeks. Now for those updates in the lives (or former lives) of people that are more recognizable...

Jesus Update - While most Christians mark Easter with prayers and song, one Swedish church opened its mass Sunday by unveiling a life-size Lego statue of Jesus Christ, its pastor told AFP. I must have missed that one at Legoland…but churchgoers had donated nearly 30,000 Lego bricks to build the 5 foot-9 inch statue, said Per Wilder, the pastor of the Oensta Gryta Church in Vaesteras, about 110 kilometers (70 miles) west of Stockholm. "This work began a year and a half ago so we saw that the initiation date was fitting in well (with this year's Easter holiday). It is a fantastic installation and it will be there as long as we think it is in a good spot. All those I spoke with were full of praise, saying how fantastic the model looks and how much good work we put into this." The model was based on Danish sculptor Bertel Thorvaldsens's 19th century work Christus, which depicts the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Wilder said the statue would remain permanently at the church and there were no plans to sell it to raise funds…or even brick by brick. So yeah, there's a Lego Jesus now…and he resides in Sweden. Be sure to check him out if you're in the neighborhood. Coming soon…ROBO JESUS!!!

Elvis Update - Who better to follow Jesus than the King? It's a well-known fact that Elvis Aaron Presley always wanted a youth center in his birthplace of Tupelo, Mississippi. Fans hope a new specialty license plate will help pay for it, more than 50 years after the rock 'n' roll icon came up with the idea. The Tupelo Elvis Presley Fan Club pushed the tag through the Mississippi Legislature last year. The club needs to collect 300 applications to ensure production of the plates featuring an image of Elvis over a picture of his birth home. They hope to hit that goal by May 10th. About 120 applications have been gathered so far from supporters who will pay an additional $31 for the tag. Club president Scott Reese said Elvis held benefit concerts in Tupelo in 1956 and 1957 to raise money for a new youth center, but it was never built (instead used for "magic dust" perhaps). The club hopes to form a partnership with the city and the Tupelo Aquatic Club and use proceeds from the plate to build a center that would include a pool and dressing rooms, Reese said Tuesday. "That was his wishes: To take care of the east side of town where he grew up," said Scott Reese. Presley moved to Memphis when he was 13, but never forgot where he grew up. The Tupelo fan club was created in 1956 but was dormant for years before organizers restarted it. It has about 150 active members in the Tupelo area in northeast Mississippi, besides those who sign up while passing through for tours of Elvis' birthplace. Only Mississippi residents will be able to buy the tags, however (Sorry Bone Junior). Club member Wilma White came up with the idea for the tag in 2007 and did much of the work in getting it approved. First, the club had to persuade the Legislature to approve the specialty plate, one of dozens available in Mississippi. After a design was completed by Tupelo's Vic Armstrong, Elvis Presley Enterprises Inc. had to sign off on it. Approval by the Mississippi State Tax Commission is pending. So if you're the ultimate Elvis fan, just run down to Mississippi, become a resident, register your car, pay an extra $31 and POOF, you've got the King riding with ya at all times. Hell, throw in a few more bucks and get a personalized HOUNDOG plate or something too.

Lindsay Update - Former friend of the blog Lindsay Lohan is looking for a lover (then she needs to look back in this direction) who does not mind her alleged alcoholism or electronic monitoring bracelet, or so the famously troubled Hollywood actress said in a mock Internet dating profile. Lohan, whose recent breakup with Samantha Ronson has been covered by the media, stars in an a dating profile posted online on Monday at FunnyOrDie.com that parodies similar videos created for matchmaking company eHarmony. "I would define my personality as creative, a bit of a night owl, I'm a workaholic, a shopaholic and according to the state of California, an alcoholic as well as a threat to all security guards if they work at hotels," she says, with a perky smile. Lohan, who is on probation, was briefly jailed in 2007 for a drunken driving and cocaine possession conviction. She had been arrested the previous May after wrecking her car in Beverly Hills and again in July following a car chase in the Los Angeles beach community of Santa Monica. She was made to wear an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet, a fact that the actress jokingly mentions in her video, which features the jumpy camera work characteristic of eHarmony dating profiles. "We'll crash a few parties, a car or two, but at the end of the day I promise you, I never lose my Google hits, just my underwear." You know…she may think that she's joking…but not really. I don't really see the problem though. Let's run through it.

• Alcoholic? I know a few. Hell, according to this court-ordered literature, I very well may be one. Then again, it also says that if I have ever taken a drink of alcohol, that I'll always be a recovering alcoholic. That's like saying anyone who has ever taken a nap is recovering from a coma. So no problem there. I'm also a great designated driver…since you seem to have a problem with that.


• Workaholic? I can dig that. What're you filming now, Lindsay? Nothing? Oh okay, well, good luck with that. I can support that. I'm unemployed in a few hours myself.


• Shopaholic? I'd be happy to help you pick out your wardrobe. "Does this make me look fat?" "Yeah a little. Try something skimpier." Then again, if you're not working, I can show you some great deals at Goodwill.


• Ankle bracelet? There's absolutely nothing wrong with hangin' at your place, pop some popcorn, mix up a few tasty beverages and watching a few good movies (ones you weren't in…ooh, except that Drama Queen one with Megan Fox…that'd be okay with me). I'm a bit of a night owl myself…and I'll even help you find your underwear…in the morning. "This is how a crab walks." "It sure is."
  

Colbert Update - Well, another fellow $teve gets screwed over. NASA announced Tuesday that it won't name a room in the international space station after comedian Stephen Colbert. Instead, it has named a treadmill after him. As documented over the last month or so, NASA held an online contest to name a room (or "node") at the international space station. With write-in votes, the name "Colbert" beat out NASA's four suggested options: Serenity, Legacy, Earthrise and Venture. On Tuesday's "The Colbert Report" on Comedy Central, astronaut Sunita Williams announced that NASA (which always maintained it had the right to choose an appropriate name) would not name the node after Colbert. Instead, Node 3 will henceforth be called Tranquility, the EIGHTH most popular response submitted by respondents in the poll. The node's name alludes to where Apollo 11 landed on the moon, the Sea of Tranquility. NASA and Colbert compromised by naming a treadmill used for exercising in space after Colbert. NASA, itself an acronym (National Aeronautics and Space Administration), often names things so they spell out something fun…and that's what they did with the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill (COLBERT). Sophisticated treadmills are crucial for living in space for long periods of time, as astronauts do on the space station; they help keep astronauts fit and their bones from losing strength. Williams herself ran a marathon on one while living at the space station in 2007, jogging in place to coincide with the Boston Marathon. The COLBERT treadmill is a new version that will be operational in August, NASA spokesman Mike Curie said. "We don't typically name U.S. space station hardware after living people and this is no exception," Bill Gerstenmaier, NASA's associate administrator for space operations, said, adding: "We have invited Stephen to Florida for the launch of COLBERT and to Houston to try out a version of the treadmill that astronauts train on."

Okay, so maybe he didn't get completely screwed…but still, they went with the EIGHTH most popular response. Why even have the vote? Anybody know who finished EIGHTH in the Presidential Election? Ron Paul. Maybe we should've went with him instead too. Go ahead. Google that sh*t. I'm right. Ron Paul for President y'all. Anyway, at least the astronauts get to walk all over the rightful winner…and what do they have against Serenity, which finished 2nd? Does the American government have something against Joss Whedon? Is that why nobody watched Dollhouse?

A Little Late for Easter - Okay, I need to calm down a bit. I'm getting riled up over this communist election stuff. I know, I'll show a cute picture & story about a bunny…but not just any bunny…or even the Easter Bunny…but a bunny with TWO NOSES. A Connecticut pet shop worker found this nosey bunny in a delivery of 6-week-old dwarf rabbits that arrived at the Milford store last week. Both noses have two nostrils. The owner of the Purr-Fect Pets shop (even an ironic name) says he's never seen anything like it in 25 years in the business. He says the bunny eats, drinks and hops around like the rest of the litter. Beardsley Zoo director Gregg Dancho says the deformity could be the result of too much inbreeding or the parents' exposure to pesticides or poisons…or he may just be a freak of nature. Store workers have begun a naming contest (hopefully they have the integrity to keep theirs) with Cyrano de Bergerac (it's the basis for the Steve Martin movie "Roxanne", thanks JL Clyde) and Deuce among the contenders so far. Any other ideas out there? I like Bogi. What? Don't judge me. It was the name of my first pet, a cocker spaniel…and it doubles as a bad golf joke with Double Bogey or whatever. See, it wasn't completely random. Completely. Besides, Deuce is pretty good.

Well, that'll do it for today's session. Thanks again to everybody for reading my gibberish…and hopefully we can all hang out in the near future as I move back home to Slick City. Rock Band, Movie Nights, chillin' with a few brewskis, smiles & laughter, all just a few weeks away from coming back. Can't wait. In the meantime, I'll be unemployed for the first time since my 15th summer. At least I'll get to sleep in a bit. Have a great night everybody!!!