Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it's my final day with my current employer…and boy, are they screwed in the short run? Okay, maybe not…but still, best of luck to them in their future adventures…because mine starts in a matter of hours. Tomorrow I start packing up & I should be moving into my new apartment in an old town by the end of the month. Good times. Big thanks to everybody with their suggestions for living quarters in Utah (especially the ladies offering the other half of their beds) and now I have a healthy list of locations to check out next week. Oh my it's gonna be fun.

Last night, I watched "Capote" starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. Along with Marilyn Monroe, I've also been watching a few movies recently about eccentric writers and their adventures…and this one didn't disappoint. Most people know Capote as the author of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" but this is about the process of another book, "In Cold Blood" were he told of a brutal murder investigation in Kansas and befriended the killers…and complete with his many intricacies and intriguing views, it made for a pretty good movie. The performance by Hoffman won him a bunch of awards (no longer known just as the fat kid from Boogie Nights or the other Lebowski's assistant) and the story was actually very well told by director Bennett Miller. Catherine Keener & Chris Cooper did admirable jobs too in supporting roles. So yeah, if you like that kind of thing, I say check it out. It's like an investigation whodunit kind of thing…but only intense at some points…and just curious at others.

One thought I had while watching this movie…was watching Capote type away on his typewriter as he writes the next great American novel…and remembering watching Hunter S. Thompson do the same thing on documentaries…and hearing how a LOT of writers tend to still use typewriters because…I don't know, it gives them some kind of nostalgic pleasure, I assume. Now, I don't really consider myself a writer. Sure, I used to write episodes for Batman & X-Men as a kid, have won a few awards back in high school for poetry, wrote a horrible (but funny to me) screenplay for a movie, a few short stories, kept a journal for twelve years, then started doing this blog of ramblings so it kind of replaced it…but I'm not a writer. I just get really bored or really inspired…and just want to document what I'm feeling at that particular moment. That being said, the last time that I used a typewriter was when I was five years old…and I was at my grandma's house the day before my first day of kindergarten…and she had this old typewriter that didn't really work & probably hadn't been used in a decade or so. See, my grandpa was a farmer & a garbage man…and sometimes when I went to visit, we would find these treasures by one of the trucks that he or one of his sons found during the day…and this day, it was a typewriter. Now, I had seen them before in the moving pictures…but never in real life that I recall. I remember the sounds that it would make and how the little hammers would stick because I was basically banging on it like a keyboard at a Jerry Lee Lewis concert and how I had to manual move the roller thing on top back to the left because that part was rusty or broken. That is basically the extent of my knowledge of using a typewriter. A few years later, by about 3rd grade or so, I had been introduced to computers (Oregon Trail anyone?) and word processing programs that not only double checked my spelling for me…but allowed me to make errors in typing without having to completely retype the page. It just made sense…and so that was about the time that I started writing Batman episodes & other short stories…and that was that.

As you may have noticed, I've often thought about being a writer…sort of. Sometimes I feel like I'm not living up to my potential. It may be completely unfounded…but it happens. I mean…I've been truly blessed in just about every single way…and more importantly, I recognize it. The thing is that sometimes I don't feel like I'm giving enough back…or not pushing my limits…or settling or something…and I could be doing so much more…but have no idea what or how…and when I think about that, this writing idea comes up. Have I read a lot? Not at all. Sure, I've read all the mandatory school literature and enjoyed most of them like Shakespeare, Twain, Stowe, Thoreau, Homer, Hemingway, Poe and a few others…mostly Choose Your Own Adventures. I've also read a lot of poetry & short stories…because I have a short attention span unless something really grips me about the story or subject. I also read & paid for a sh*tload of engineering & mathematics books...so that pretty much made me hate books in general. Do I have an extensive vocabulary or grasp of grammar? Hell no. I grew up in the country and Google everything. I'm an okay speller though. Do I have a story to tell? Sometimes…but does anybody really want to hear it? Does it only interest me? As you may know from reading this blog, I mostly just report the news that interests me and make it slightly funnier than it already is…or tell you what I think about a movie or sport or anecdote that happened to me one day…or make a list of Pros & Cons that nobody else in the world cares about…or report on a dream that I had, usually about me saving somebody or waking up sexually frustrated. This is hardly stuff that could fill a novel. Then again, I have been told at times that my little ditties can be beautifully written, entertaining, an interestingly skewed point of view and borderline erotica…so maybe I've got some skills…and what I lack in quality, I definitely make up for in quantity, right? So yeah, I just don't know. Maybe some day I'll write the next great American novel…or tales of steamy romances set in logically stretched situations that housewives read to remember what it was like to feel Passion on a daily basis…or maybe I'll just keep doing this blog because I get bored out of my mind & think too damn much…or direct a cult classic movie…or just fade away into obscurity. Who knows? All I know is that it's a fun ride…and another chapter of this story starts in a few hours when I turn in my badge & gun and get ready to move the next few weeks. Now for those updates in the lives (or former lives) of people that are more recognizable...

Jesus Update - While most Christians mark Easter with prayers and song, one Swedish church opened its mass Sunday by unveiling a life-size Lego statue of Jesus Christ, its pastor told AFP. I must have missed that one at Legoland…but churchgoers had donated nearly 30,000 Lego bricks to build the 5 foot-9 inch statue, said Per Wilder, the pastor of the Oensta Gryta Church in Vaesteras, about 110 kilometers (70 miles) west of Stockholm. "This work began a year and a half ago so we saw that the initiation date was fitting in well (with this year's Easter holiday). It is a fantastic installation and it will be there as long as we think it is in a good spot. All those I spoke with were full of praise, saying how fantastic the model looks and how much good work we put into this." The model was based on Danish sculptor Bertel Thorvaldsens's 19th century work Christus, which depicts the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Wilder said the statue would remain permanently at the church and there were no plans to sell it to raise funds…or even brick by brick. So yeah, there's a Lego Jesus now…and he resides in Sweden. Be sure to check him out if you're in the neighborhood. Coming soon…ROBO JESUS!!!

Elvis Update - Who better to follow Jesus than the King? It's a well-known fact that Elvis Aaron Presley always wanted a youth center in his birthplace of Tupelo, Mississippi. Fans hope a new specialty license plate will help pay for it, more than 50 years after the rock 'n' roll icon came up with the idea. The Tupelo Elvis Presley Fan Club pushed the tag through the Mississippi Legislature last year. The club needs to collect 300 applications to ensure production of the plates featuring an image of Elvis over a picture of his birth home. They hope to hit that goal by May 10th. About 120 applications have been gathered so far from supporters who will pay an additional $31 for the tag. Club president Scott Reese said Elvis held benefit concerts in Tupelo in 1956 and 1957 to raise money for a new youth center, but it was never built (instead used for "magic dust" perhaps). The club hopes to form a partnership with the city and the Tupelo Aquatic Club and use proceeds from the plate to build a center that would include a pool and dressing rooms, Reese said Tuesday. "That was his wishes: To take care of the east side of town where he grew up," said Scott Reese. Presley moved to Memphis when he was 13, but never forgot where he grew up. The Tupelo fan club was created in 1956 but was dormant for years before organizers restarted it. It has about 150 active members in the Tupelo area in northeast Mississippi, besides those who sign up while passing through for tours of Elvis' birthplace. Only Mississippi residents will be able to buy the tags, however (Sorry Bone Junior). Club member Wilma White came up with the idea for the tag in 2007 and did much of the work in getting it approved. First, the club had to persuade the Legislature to approve the specialty plate, one of dozens available in Mississippi. After a design was completed by Tupelo's Vic Armstrong, Elvis Presley Enterprises Inc. had to sign off on it. Approval by the Mississippi State Tax Commission is pending. So if you're the ultimate Elvis fan, just run down to Mississippi, become a resident, register your car, pay an extra $31 and POOF, you've got the King riding with ya at all times. Hell, throw in a few more bucks and get a personalized HOUNDOG plate or something too.

Lindsay Update - Former friend of the blog Lindsay Lohan is looking for a lover (then she needs to look back in this direction) who does not mind her alleged alcoholism or electronic monitoring bracelet, or so the famously troubled Hollywood actress said in a mock Internet dating profile. Lohan, whose recent breakup with Samantha Ronson has been covered by the media, stars in an a dating profile posted online on Monday at FunnyOrDie.com that parodies similar videos created for matchmaking company eHarmony. "I would define my personality as creative, a bit of a night owl, I'm a workaholic, a shopaholic and according to the state of California, an alcoholic as well as a threat to all security guards if they work at hotels," she says, with a perky smile. Lohan, who is on probation, was briefly jailed in 2007 for a drunken driving and cocaine possession conviction. She had been arrested the previous May after wrecking her car in Beverly Hills and again in July following a car chase in the Los Angeles beach community of Santa Monica. She was made to wear an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet, a fact that the actress jokingly mentions in her video, which features the jumpy camera work characteristic of eHarmony dating profiles. "We'll crash a few parties, a car or two, but at the end of the day I promise you, I never lose my Google hits, just my underwear." You know…she may think that she's joking…but not really. I don't really see the problem though. Let's run through it.

• Alcoholic? I know a few. Hell, according to this court-ordered literature, I very well may be one. Then again, it also says that if I have ever taken a drink of alcohol, that I'll always be a recovering alcoholic. That's like saying anyone who has ever taken a nap is recovering from a coma. So no problem there. I'm also a great designated driver…since you seem to have a problem with that.


• Workaholic? I can dig that. What're you filming now, Lindsay? Nothing? Oh okay, well, good luck with that. I can support that. I'm unemployed in a few hours myself.


• Shopaholic? I'd be happy to help you pick out your wardrobe. "Does this make me look fat?" "Yeah a little. Try something skimpier." Then again, if you're not working, I can show you some great deals at Goodwill.


• Ankle bracelet? There's absolutely nothing wrong with hangin' at your place, pop some popcorn, mix up a few tasty beverages and watching a few good movies (ones you weren't in…ooh, except that Drama Queen one with Megan Fox…that'd be okay with me). I'm a bit of a night owl myself…and I'll even help you find your underwear…in the morning. "This is how a crab walks." "It sure is."
  

Colbert Update - Well, another fellow $teve gets screwed over. NASA announced Tuesday that it won't name a room in the international space station after comedian Stephen Colbert. Instead, it has named a treadmill after him. As documented over the last month or so, NASA held an online contest to name a room (or "node") at the international space station. With write-in votes, the name "Colbert" beat out NASA's four suggested options: Serenity, Legacy, Earthrise and Venture. On Tuesday's "The Colbert Report" on Comedy Central, astronaut Sunita Williams announced that NASA (which always maintained it had the right to choose an appropriate name) would not name the node after Colbert. Instead, Node 3 will henceforth be called Tranquility, the EIGHTH most popular response submitted by respondents in the poll. The node's name alludes to where Apollo 11 landed on the moon, the Sea of Tranquility. NASA and Colbert compromised by naming a treadmill used for exercising in space after Colbert. NASA, itself an acronym (National Aeronautics and Space Administration), often names things so they spell out something fun…and that's what they did with the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill (COLBERT). Sophisticated treadmills are crucial for living in space for long periods of time, as astronauts do on the space station; they help keep astronauts fit and their bones from losing strength. Williams herself ran a marathon on one while living at the space station in 2007, jogging in place to coincide with the Boston Marathon. The COLBERT treadmill is a new version that will be operational in August, NASA spokesman Mike Curie said. "We don't typically name U.S. space station hardware after living people and this is no exception," Bill Gerstenmaier, NASA's associate administrator for space operations, said, adding: "We have invited Stephen to Florida for the launch of COLBERT and to Houston to try out a version of the treadmill that astronauts train on."

Okay, so maybe he didn't get completely screwed…but still, they went with the EIGHTH most popular response. Why even have the vote? Anybody know who finished EIGHTH in the Presidential Election? Ron Paul. Maybe we should've went with him instead too. Go ahead. Google that sh*t. I'm right. Ron Paul for President y'all. Anyway, at least the astronauts get to walk all over the rightful winner…and what do they have against Serenity, which finished 2nd? Does the American government have something against Joss Whedon? Is that why nobody watched Dollhouse?

A Little Late for Easter - Okay, I need to calm down a bit. I'm getting riled up over this communist election stuff. I know, I'll show a cute picture & story about a bunny…but not just any bunny…or even the Easter Bunny…but a bunny with TWO NOSES. A Connecticut pet shop worker found this nosey bunny in a delivery of 6-week-old dwarf rabbits that arrived at the Milford store last week. Both noses have two nostrils. The owner of the Purr-Fect Pets shop (even an ironic name) says he's never seen anything like it in 25 years in the business. He says the bunny eats, drinks and hops around like the rest of the litter. Beardsley Zoo director Gregg Dancho says the deformity could be the result of too much inbreeding or the parents' exposure to pesticides or poisons…or he may just be a freak of nature. Store workers have begun a naming contest (hopefully they have the integrity to keep theirs) with Cyrano de Bergerac (it's the basis for the Steve Martin movie "Roxanne", thanks JL Clyde) and Deuce among the contenders so far. Any other ideas out there? I like Bogi. What? Don't judge me. It was the name of my first pet, a cocker spaniel…and it doubles as a bad golf joke with Double Bogey or whatever. See, it wasn't completely random. Completely. Besides, Deuce is pretty good.

Well, that'll do it for today's session. Thanks again to everybody for reading my gibberish…and hopefully we can all hang out in the near future as I move back home to Slick City. Rock Band, Movie Nights, chillin' with a few brewskis, smiles & laughter, all just a few weeks away from coming back. Can't wait. In the meantime, I'll be unemployed for the first time since my 15th summer. At least I'll get to sleep in a bit. Have a great night everybody!!!