The City of Denver Weeps For Me

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it's official. I am now unemployed...but luckily have something starting two weeks from Monday. Until then though it's gonna be a little hectic. The last day went by smoothly with me training coworkers to do my duties & had the last talks with Boss Ladies & HR personnel. Well, until the Happy Hour tonight at Rock Bottom...followed by a Wine Social at my apartment...which combined with the gloomy weather that seems like the city of Denver weeping for its loss, makes me think that today's the day that God wants me to get drunk. We'll see. If only my two-time $tevie Award winning Drinking Buddy Bubbles were here...but oh well. I'll manage. After the last handshakes & hugs, I walked out with my workplace items...which were surprisingly few - No photos or anything like that, just a notepad, the details of my severance package and about a thousand inaccurate kickass business cards to help me pick up chicks. Great little six-month adventure out here...but who knows? It's a new one starting back in Utah...and maybe I'll be on another one very soon in a new exotic city, or be back in a few months to replace Boss Man J, or join the Peace Corps. The future is not set. There's no fate but what we make. I think Socrates said that. Anyway, here's some sexy ditties I found in the news...

McDonald's Strip Club - A Swedish strip club could face legal action from McDonald's if it fails to remove a sign believed to be a rip-off of its famous golden arches, the US fast food giant said earlier this month. A sign that hangs outside McDragan's strip club in Edsvaera, Sweden, shows a large red "M" with nipples -- something which the US fast-food chain says is a breach of its own copyrighted logo. "We feel the sign and the way they portray the M on the sign is too similar to our M. We don't want to be connected to a strip club in any way," McDonald's spokeman Claes Eliasson told AFP. Eliasson said the company had sent a letter to the club owner asking him to remove the sign, adding McDonald's would consider whether to take any legal action next week. But McDragan's owner Dragan Bratic, a 37-year-old Swedish national of Yugoslav origin, said he had not yet heard from McDonald's and denied he deliberately copied their logo. "Striptease elicits a reaction in people. So we thought it would be a good idea to have a lighthearted sign. We found an image in a Japanese magazine of two breasts, and were inspired by that. I have nothing to do with hamburgers...they just want to distance themselves from striptease," he said. Bratic dismissed McDonald's concerns that customers would draw a link between their restaurants and his strip club on seeing the sign. "You can't make that mistake! The breasts are huge!" This story has everything - Swedes, McDonald's, nipples, breasts, hamburgers, Japanese magazines, copyright infringement, striptease, just completely filling. By the way, if McDonald's doesn't want to be associated with strip clubs…then why are they always flaunting their all breast meat sandwiches all over the television…and then you find out that it's chicken. That's a tease. Then you have to wash it down with a milkshake that does not bring all the boys to the yard. Yet another tease. Oh…and it's ridiculous how similar it is to me tossing dollars on stage when I order off the Dollar Value Menu. "There's one, two, three Chicken McNuggets!!! Now put 'em on the tray…and don't forget the shake, baby!" Okay, you don't really get the whole effect unless you see me do it…but trust me, it's similar.

Booby Bank - Police say a wad of cash stuffed in a woman's bra saved her life during a shootout in northeastern Brazil. Salvador city police spokesman Vicente de Paula said 58-year-old Ivonete Pereira de Oliveira was a passenger on the bus that two gunmen held up on Saturday. He said an armed off-duty policeman on the bus opened fire. In the ensuing gunbattle a bullet struck the left side of Oliveira's chest. De Paula said Tuesday that the 150 reals (about $70) worth of bills that Oliveira hid inside her bra slowed the bullet enough to prevent it from entering her heart and killing her instantly. Oliveira underwent surgery to remove the bullet from her left breast and was released from the hospital on Monday. Sadly, the off-duty police officer didn't have a wad of cash…and was killed. So a sad story…but at least Ivonete was sparred because of her ample bosom / bank account. The thing to me though is…if you're going to rob people, why a bus? Don't they realize…that the people riding the bus…are riding the bus because they have to? Maybe in Brazil it's different…and it's all convenient and to save the environment or something…but I was surprised that somebody was walking around with 150 reals on a bus.

Fast & Furious - No, not another sequel to that car chase movie series (though another one is on the way apparently) but rather something completely different. A Norwegian man faces a heavy fine and a driving ban after police caught him having sex with his girlfriend while speeding on the motorway. The unnamed couple, a 28-year-old man and a 22-year-old woman, were caught in the act late on Easter Sunday by traffic police on the E18 highway, some 40 kilometres (25 miles) west of Oslo. Officers who clocked the couple's silver Mazda 323 racing at 133 kilometres per hour in a 100 zone realised they were doing more than just breaking the speed limit, police told AFP. Superintendent Tor Stein Hagen commented, "It was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say (we shall). He couldn't see much because her back was in the way (Nice, I'll have those fries Doggy Style). Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know." Apparently Tor just doesn't get it. After following the couple for nearly a kilometre (apparently trying to get a better angle), officers pulled the car over at a service station. "We have taken away his driving licence because of the danger that he caused," Hagen said. Prosecutors will decide within the next week what his punishment will be, with police having filmed the incident to use as evidence against the driver (See? Told ya they were looking for a better angle). Hagen said he expected the man to face a fine of "several thousand Norwegian crowns" and a lengthy driving ban. No report on whether "the act" was finished before being pulled over…but a cigarette was shared while the licenses were ran. Okay, I made that last part up. Seriously though. We've all been there. Driving on the freeway with some dangerous, sexy shenanigans going on. Right? As long as you've got your eyes on the road & at least one hand on the wheel it doesn't matter what the rest of you is doing, right? Right? No one? Alright then. I guess not. Let's ugh…forget I even said anything. What is there a cop behind me or something? Come on. Seriously? Nobody else. I don't believe that for a second.

Friends With Benefits - Can two people have sex and still remain "just friends?" A recent study found that 60% of college students have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship, but that the possibility for romantic feelings...and a lack of communication can complicate such an arrangement. That may seem fairly obvious…but the study, published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior, focused on why college students have these relationships at all (ugh, really?). Researchers from Wayne State University and Michigan State University asked 125 undergraduates why they would or wouldn't have sex with a friend, and what the advantages or disadvantages would be. Two-thirds of participants said they had been in a "friends with benefits" relationship, and 36% said they currently were in one (which means 30% are open to the idea, nice). The main advantage of such a relationship was "no commitment" (reported by 59.7% of participants), which was followed closely by "have sex" (55.6%...and derrrr). More than half of those who had sex with a friend said they had engaged in all forms of sex; 22.7% said they had intercourse only, while 8% said they did everything but have intercourse. So…is that 8% really "with benefits" or just making out? "[The relationships] were perceived as providing a relatively safe and convenient environment for recreational sex," write Melissa A. Bisson and Timothy R. Levine, the study's lead researchers. The biggest reported disadvantage of this recreational sex was the possibility that feelings would develop (65.3%). Other worries included "harm friendship" (28.2%) and "cause negative emotions" (27.4%). Concern over pregnancy and STDs, listed as "negative consequences of sex," came in at only 9.7% (Thanks condoms & the pill!!!). The second part of the study asked 90 college students - all of whom had been in at least one "friends with benefits" relationship - what sorts of questions came up once they began sleeping with their friend, and how they went about answering those questions. While approximately half admitted to having questions of uncertainty in the relationship, 84.4% said they never initiated any discussion; furthermore, 73.3% said there was no ground-rules negotiation involved. The findings hardly indicate that people have evolved to the point where "friends with benefits" relationships will replace traditional romantic couplings, Levine tells LiveScience. "Romantic relationships have always been around," he said. Recreational sex "really requires either effective birth control or women to be economically independent or both to be viable, and both are relatively recent in human evolution." So there you have it. An official "F**k buddy" research study. Nice, right? Makes you want to go into sociology, doesn't it? Hmm, perhaps I need to delve into this field…and perform a study of my own. If only I knew me an incredibly sexy, economically independent woman aka sugar mama...

Yet Another Fox Update - Well, until I find me one of those, here's yet another update into the busy career of mega movie superhottie Megan Fox, who is making a run for the border. No, not to Taco Bell (muy caliente) but the actress will play the lead role in the Screen Gems border thriller "The Crossing." Byron Willinger and Philip de Blasi wrote the script, in which a couple returning from a Mexican vacation are carjacked and the husband kidnapped. The wife (Fox) must smuggle heroin across the border in order to spring him. Oh yeah. That's right. I said that superhottie Megan Fox…is going to have to smuggle drugs…across the border…and do you have any idea HOW she's going to do that? Just…think about that one for a few moments. Mmm… "No, that's entirely too much. There's no way that I could possibly fit all of that…OH!!! Oh my…I guess you were right, $teve. No no, don't stop." Sorry, I was having a flashback. So yeah, think about that Megan Fox smuggling drugs thing. Mmm... "No, that's entirely too much... There's no way that I could possibly fit all of that...OH!!!"

Anyway, that's enough from me. Have a great day everybody & I'll see y'all shortly back in Slick City (since I assume that were most of my readers reside). Drink a pint for me!!!