Friday, April 16, 2010

Tahoe Picnickin'

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Well, I've been hanging out with the Wingmans the past few days. Here are some pictures. Just thought I'd post them since I'll be on the road a bit for the next three weeks. It's a bit of a teaser for the feature presentation...
Kings Beach

Somebody's a Saints Fan "WHO DAT???"

Memorial Point

Notice the water's like glass this day...

Mrs Wingman

The Wingman

Sand Harbour

Great place for a picnic...

Lake Tahoe holds TRILLIONS of gallons and

is so deep that you can submerge

the Empire State Building.

...or fit one Wingman & a popsicle

Anyway, I'm off like a prom dress... Have a great few weeks everybody!!!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Beware: Multiple Nerdgasms

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well last night was fun. I get a call shortly after going to sleep…and it’s my brother, saying that my mom is at her hotel in Thailand & can’t pay because her credit card isn’t going through. Okay, awesome. I then find out shortly after…that my phone won’t call international…and the only person that can change that…is in Thailand. Eventually, I get a call…and it’s two of my favorite people on the other line, a weeping mother…and a front desk agent wanting my credit card number over the world’s worst phone connection. Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with all the details…but eventually, an emailed form that they said would be sent in ten minutes (I gave up after over an hour) showed up nine hours later while I was at work, a little exhausted. Basically, there were daily credit card limits on her card to protect from CC & Identity Theft…and the checkout exceeded that…but it’s okay because my mom & stepdad were able to get to the boat on time anyway…and all it cost them was pretty much all of their traveler’s checks…and then I was able to cover the rest on my card. And don’t worry, it shouldn’t put a serious dent in my travel plans starting this weekend…because I have a little bit of emergency savings for occasions such as this (had this happen a few times in the past). So yeah, she’s safe & sound and enjoying the vacation of a lifetime. And she did have fun in Thailand despite all the craziness. She even got to ride on an elephant. What? Earthquakes in China? Sigh… she’ll be fine.

So this morning, I was a little tired because…well, four hours of stressed-out sleep and a few days of bad sleep due to back pain will do that. I got to work…and the parking lot was a little icy. I step out of my car…and I notice a female coworker about to walk…in dress shoes…up a steep portion of the lot that leads to the office…and over an area that’s completely covered in some of the smoothest ice you’ve ever seen. I think you know where this is going. Before anything could be said or done, slip, SMACK!!! She lands face-first on the icy pavement. So I run over, “Are you okay?” I’m thinking that maybe she got her arm in front of her and caught herself, landing gently on her purse…and it only looked bad from the rear view. Nope. She was holding teeth. “Alright, let’s get you to the nurse’s room. Are you okay to move?” She’s looking at her hand full of mouth blood, “I guess. It doesn’t hurt yet.” “Well that’s good. Let’s keep it that way.” I help her up, grab her purse, we hop into Gretchen and fly over to the nurse’s office where I leave her in capable hands. I checked in with her later…and she’s doing okay…but it was just a wonderful way to start an already lackluster morning (still hadn’t settled everything with Thailand at this point) but it’s all good now. The Wingmans are soon approaching, my mom’s on the vacation of her life, my vacation will be starting soon, the sun is out, the birds are chirping, the sky is blue & all the leaves are green. My heart’s as full as a baked potato. Oh yes, it will be a schpedoinkal weekend…and month or so.

Last night, I watched "Funny People" starring Adam Sandler & Seth Rogen. It's a comedy from director Judd Apatow ("40 Year Old Virgin") and it's about a superfamous comedian (Sandler) who finds out that he has cancer...and hires an up-and-coming comedian (Rogen) to write some jokes for him and act as his assistant. Enter the ex-girlfriend (Leslie Mann) and her Australian husband (Eric Bana) and some drama ensues with this...actually kind of dreary comedy. Now, I say that...but it's still a pretty good movie. I'm a little lost on some of the decisions made by the characters...but it's got some funny parts, a lot of cameos (like a LOT), and it's not exactly a knee-jerking comedy...but it has a little heart to it...covered in dick & fart jokes. You know the type. If you like it, check it out. If not, pass. More on Seth Rogen later. Here’s the news…

Amsterdam Update - Dutch police arrested a woman who locked a utility firm employee in her home after he arrived to disconnect her power supplies over an unpaid bill of 42,000 Euros (over $50,000). The 65-year-old woman denied having such a large bill and rang the police to say she wanted to arrange a repayment scheme with the utility firm Eneco before allowing the man to leave (that’s your only demand for the hostage?). She had tried to phone Eneco, but was unable to do so because her electricity had already been cut off, police said. The utility employee wanted to press charges against the woman. She will appear in court later. An Eneco spokesman said the woman's bill was exceptionally high but could not immediately explain why. Theories? Another typo landing somebody in jail for a while? Are utilities in an Amsterdam home somewhere in the range of 10,000 Euros a month? Has this been accumulated since 1956 and they’re just now getting to checking their records? Who knows? I’m not sure how the kidnapping and hostage negotiation is going to play into all of this…but it’s probably not going to go well. Hope to see how this one turns out.

Lip Synching Arrest - Two singers have become the first people in the People’s Republic of China to fall foul of new rules banning lip-synching nearly two years after widespread criticism of miming at the Beijing Olympics' opening ceremony. The two young female singers were spotted lip-synching during a concert in southwestern China's Chengdu city last year, the official Xinhua news agency said on its website ( "No signals were received from their microphones while the show was on," it quoted an official with the local government's cultural affairs office as saying. The two have been fined 50,000 yuan ($7,329) each. China's feisty internet users frequently blame famous singers of short-selling their fans by lip-synching on stage…but some have also wondered why these first fines were leveled against two almost unknown singers rather than more famous stars. "Why do they choose to keep their eyes closed when it's a famous singer miming?" one commentator wrote on the website of the Beijing Daily. Lip-synching, known as "fake singing" in Chinese, burst into the open during 2008's Beijing Olympics. China's Olympic organizers were lambasted by Internet users and in the media after they admitted a nine-year-old girl lip-synched during the opening ceremony, in place of the real singer who was rejected because of her appearance (Sarah Boyle?). The Culture Ministry then issued an edict formally banning lip-synching and threatened to revoke the performance licenses of repeat offenders. I used to wonder why big acts never went on tour to China…but now I know. The really sad thing is…karaoke’s perfectly legal…which is, in my opinion, much worse. Also, over seven grand for lip-synching? I wonder if Ashlee Simpson would get the same fine. Still might be some pretty good money for her. Somebody’s gotta provide for little Bronx Mowgli. Sigh… you should also be fined for naming your children ridiculous things. I’m also quite surprised that the internet users in China have such pull. I never would’ve guessed with all the censorship…but there you have it. The people spoke…and now there’s no lip-synching. Power to the people!!!

Father of the Year - Police arrested a man for leaving his 1-year-old baby in a car unattended during the early hours while he watched strippers at a nightclub in New Zealand's capital, and have placed the boy in welfare agency care. A passer-by called police after seeing the sleeping baby in a car parked near the Mermaid Strip Club in Wellington about 3 a.m. Tuesday (usually the strippers have bullet wounds & C-scars during that time). Police took the baby to a hospital and arrested the father, 42, after he was located in the club, Inspector Simon Perry said. The man faces a charge of leaving a child under 14 without reasonable supervision. The Child, Youth and Family agency has custody of the baby for five days while it works with the baby's relatives to decide on his future, agency deputy chief executive Ray Smith said. New Zealand's commissioner for children, John Angus, said leaving a child alone in a car at night was an "extreme form of neglect." "I would commend the member of the public who saw this poor child in the car and took some action to make it safe" by alerting police, Angus told National Radio. Authorities declined to confirm details of the baby's family situation, but Angus said he expected relatives to step in and warn the father that "it's not good enough for our child to be looked after this way." What was he supposed to do? Bring the kid into the club with him? He’s a toddler for God’s sake. Would you rather he exposed his child to the stimulations of sexually suggestive dancing by scantily-clad women, high point alcoholic beverages, loud controversial music, various communicative diseases & being surrounded by questionable strangers…or to be sleeping safely & quietly in a locked car? Seriously? And yet the father goes punished for choosing the best option. Disgusting. A complete perversion of Justice. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. That man is a saint. Would it have been better if he just left him home in the shire? (Because I assume all people who live in New Zealand are at least half-hobbit) What’s that? Maybe he could’ve gotten a babysitter? And what? Pay her in dollar bills too? Besides, what babysitter’s going to be able to work until 3 AM on a Tuesday? Now you’re against schooling for our children? What kind of monster are you? Not go? JUST NOT GO? On $5 lap dance night? Are you f**king INSANE??? Where were you when this was going down? Huh? Answer me that. Why weren’t YOU watching over the baby boy? Little Frodo or whatever his name is. By the way, for those of you who don’t know, my favorite game is Devil’s Advocate.

Warning: Multiple Nerdgasms!!! (Please put some goggles on, ladies)

Book of Mormon Musical – Normally, you know I want nothing to do with Broadway…but this is a little different. The creators of "South Park" are taking aim at Broadway (again, please wear goggles). Trey Parker and Matt Stone have written a musical comedy called "The Book of Mormon" that will open on Broadway in March 2011. The two wrote the show's book, music and lyrics, along with Robert Lopez, one of the creators of the Tony-winning "Avenue Q." The musical will be directed by Parker and Jason Moore, who directed "Avenue Q." Producers Scott Rudin and Anne Garefino said Wednesday that a theater, casting and other production details would be announced later. The Emmy-winning "South Park" premiered in 1997 on Comedy Central…but you already knew that. Will it be some kind of bastard offspring of “Orgazmo” & “Cannibal: The Musical”? Something completely new & different? Will it be stories from the Book of Mormon brought to life with foul-mouthed puppets? (Which, by the way, I would probably see) Who knows? We’ve got almost a full year to plan a trip to the Big Apple to see it though.

Nerdy Comic Book Movie Updates - Sources for IESB.Net have been busy beavers today in the comic book-to-film world genre with potential scoops on three adaptations currently in the works.

Spider-Man 4 - Josh Hutcherson ("Journey to the Center of the Earth," "Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant") has apparently joined the short list of contenders for Sony's upcoming "Spider-Man" reboot. Yes, apparently it’s another reboot now. Why? Because you & your kids will still watch it…and you can’t top Venom…even when Venom’s played by Topher Grace. Seriously. Even a John Malkovich portrayed Vulture wouldn’t top it.

The Green Hornet - The site claims Sony Pictures are apparently "displeased with the results" they've seen so far of Michel Gondry's "The Green Hornet" film adaptation. A source claims the "tone is too campy, they're not happy with the work from director Michel Gondry and Seth Rogen does not look the part. At all. (No sh*t!!!) In fact, the feeling at Sony is the movie is a disaster." Yeesh!!! Strong words for a movie studio. Sigh…maybe when, after decades of trying to get Kevin Smith to do it…but it’s a weak story, you then start over with a French director who does a lot of artsy thinker films like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, “The Science of Sleep”, “Be Kind Rewind” and Bjork videos…then cast the star as Seth Rogen…in a non-comedy but as an action hero, you may come out with something that isn’t quite what you’re looking for. Who didn’t see this one coming? (Again, goggles)

Lobo - With Guy Ritchie ditching this project in favor of "Sherlock Holmes 2", the Akiva Goldsman-produced comic adaptation has stalled over at Warner Brothers. The reasoning? "a direct result of their not-so-hot reaction to The Losers and especially Jonah Hex". Sigh…this is really deflating my windsock right now. Guy Ritchie ditched Lobo to do a Sherlock sequel…and the movie has stalled…because they think that The Losers & (the anxiously anticipated) Jonah Hex suck? “Cheese & rice. You start out with the promise of multiple nerdgasms, throw in the mixed emotions of a musical by Trey Parker, then just keep destroying my faith in recent movie magic with comic book adaptations & make me think they’re returning to the days of “Batman & Robin” and “Daredevil” or something. You’d better have something good to make me peak, $teve.” Indeed I do, enough foreplay, let’s bring in the Big Gun (insert AC/DC music).

Joss to Direct Avengers Movie – SPLOOSH!!! "Buffy" creator and "Serenity" director Joss Whedon is reportedly in final negotiations to direct the superhero team-up movie "The Avengers" for Marvel Studios and Paramount Pictures says Deadline New York. Thus culminating what can only be seen as a Perfect Storm of Nerddom, bringing many of Marvel’s favorite characters together with the Joss himself. Whedon's name was first mentioned over at a few weeks ago. Production would begin sometime next year for release May 4th 2012 (mark your calendars). Oh…and it gets better. Two characters from that future movie may be making earlier appearances than that. According to a trusted source for Bad Taste, a scene about Captain America and Thor will appear after the end credits of "Iron Man 2" - much like the way Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson) made a cameo in a post-credits scene at the end of 2008's "Iron Man". Could we see Captain America (Chris Evans) and Thor (Chris Hemsworth) in full costume? Unlikely. The crucial wording here is that it's a "scene about" the two characters meaning one or both may not even pop up on screen but rather merely referenced. Then again…maybe they will. I guess we’ll all find out on May 7th when Iron Man 2 is released. (Seriously, they should be giving me a kickback for all the good stuff that I talk about this movie) So yeah…in about two years, there’s going to be a movie coming out…that includes, at the very least, Iron Man (Robert Downey jr), the Incredible Hulk (Edward Norton), Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson), Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), War Machine (Don Cheadle?), plus a few others to play guys like Hawkeye and the supporting cast like Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) and then…there’s the villains!!! AND Joss, the King of Nerddom, is going to direct it all…making it fantastic (but don’t be surprised if a beloved character of vital importance to the story dies suddenly, it’s his way, who are we to question it?). Whew… what’s that? You need a cigarette?

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. The Wingmans are almost here…and we’ve got a full four-day weekend ahead of us…then I’ve got a three-week weekend after that. So you probably won’t be hearing from me until mid-May…but I’ll be back with plenty of pictures & stories. Besides, a lot of you may get to see me in the meantime…if you’re lucky. It’s going to be EPIC!!! Drive safely everybody!!! Have a great few weeks!!!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Pole Dancing 101

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The back’s feeling better…so I’m almost back into dancing form…but don’t want to push it just yet. Less than 24 hours until the Wingmans arrive & we paint the town red for a few days. Oh what to do? It’ll be beautiful weather, great people, I’m thinking something like a trip around the lake and stuff on Thursday, Reno on a Friday night, whatever on Saturday, then I’ll be heading off on Sunday to start Road Trip 2010. It’s a shame they can’t go on this voyage with me…but hey, at least we’ll get to meet up on two legs of the trip. Hopefully we’ll be able to meet up for a weekend in Vegas. It’s been three years since we’ve been able to do one of those, almost to the day (ah, the 26th birthday trip). So yeah, really excited about that…obviously. Since you don’t want to hear me ramble on about this stuff…here’s some news…

Pole Dancing at Cambridge - A renowned debating society at Cambridge University said Monday it would offer pole dancing tuition to members, in a building more used to the presence of international statesmen. The Cambridge Union Society said female students would be offered lessons in the sensuous dance more often associated with strip clubs than the historic chambers of one of the world's top universities. Lessons would be given in the Blue Room (there’s no sex in the Blue Room) at the union's building, which is more commonly used for debates, said the society. The organization has welcomed countless world leaders in the almost 200 hundred years it has existed, but now also puts on a range of other activities. Speakers to have addressed students include wartime Prime Minister Winston Churchill, former US president Theodore Roosevelt and India's first prime minister, Jawaharlal Nehru. A Cambridge Union spokeswoman defended the move, saying there was "nothing degrading" about it. "We are of the opinion that classes like these are a way of empowering women, as well as being a fantastic way to exercise and have fun together with other women. If an intelligent, independent woman wishes to learn a particular form of dance in respectable surroundings, we see nothing degrading in that." Amen brother. See, when I say pole dancing isn’t degrading, people look at me like I’m a moron…but now I have the backing of Cambridge University, b**ches. I’d love to be a teaching assistant in that class. “Okay, $teve is going to sit in the chair…and his opinion will account for 25% of your midterm, so please remember the first rule of Pole Dancing – Make Daddy Happy.” The star pupil leads things off wondrously, “Yes, very good Victoria. Excellent form. Class, notice how she’s using the Butterfly on Buttonfly technique…and you can tell that Daddy is very happy right now. $teve, no touching of the students.” “Sorry, I was ugh…testing to see if she knew that…but I’ll save it for the final.” “Ah yes, gyration…completely in sync with the music, somebody has been practicing after school. Excellent Victoria. $teve? What do you think?” “F**king A, all the way Professor Sapphire. Whew…does anybody have a beer? Water? Cigarette? Anything?” Yes, higher learning indeed. It’s also a great way to get some tuition dollars for those girls at gentlemen’s clubs who are forced to sell their sexy natures for afford today’s tuition prices in a twisted bit of the economy and federal spending…but there are other ways too, like…

Selling Sh*t – No, not quite the same thing as selling your blood, plasma, semen, hair, whatever they’re buying these days…but a little different way of raising school funds. Selling your own feces would be too damn easy. Instead, the music booster club at Central Community Unit School District 301 in St. Charles, Illinois isn't bothering with bake sales and car washes this year. Instead, it's selling bags of something promoters call "paca poo." Minus the cute name, the product is alpaca manure. Booster club secretary Gudrun Dorgan said it is a great garden fertilizer, and it comes in little pellets that are easy to work into the ground. Parents, students and teachers will be scooping and selling droppings on Saturday at Inspiration Farm Alpacas. A 30-pound bag will cost $10. Farm owner Jeff Koehl has been raising alpacas for four years and usually sells manure for profit. He said alpacas digest their food more efficiently than most farm animals, so their waste doesn't smell too bad and doesn't require lengthy composting. If you believe that, I’ve got a bridge to sell ya…at three pounds per dollar. It very well may be true…and hopefully these kids can sell packs o’ paca poo like hotcakes…but it’s a little sad that to keep music in schools, we literally have to sell bags of sh*t. This will also be great practice for the kids in marketing too…and maybe start them on their way to getting a degree like a BS in BS. Good luck kids…and in the meantime, wash your f**king hands often.

When Stupid Jokes Go Bad – We’ve all had stupid thoughts that we thought would be pretty f**king funny for a second…but held back because…well, it just shouldn’t be done. Well, not all of us have this kind of foresight. A Collier County deputy (yes, the same Collier County in Florida that is home to Ray Finkle) was reprimanded after shocking a colleague with a Taser in an incident meant to be a joke. Wait, it gets better. The December scene was caught on tape at the Collier County jail. A female deputy was seen showing a message on her iPod to Cpl. Wilmer A. Arencibia, who followed the woman and shocked her on the behind with his Taser. Yeah, commanding officer…tasing the ass of a female officer…already in jail. Arencibia told investigators it was "a spur of the moment thing" and acknowledged the behavior was improper (but probably really funny at the time). He was given a reprimand and final warning after an internal investigation. I wonder if this video has hit the web yet. Can’t wait to see it on Tosh.0 or something. By the way, great show if you don’t mind all the puking and profanity…and you know that I don’t. He reminds me a lot of myself…mostly because of the obscure 80’s & 90’s references, so if you like this blog (for whatever reason) check out Tosh.0. And if you don’t like this blog, I don’t know why you’re reading this right now…but watch Tosh.0 anyway.

Bacon Update - Kevin Bacon has joined the cast of the untitled Steve Carell comedy currently set up at Warner Bros. Pictures reports The Washington Post. Carell plays a loving husband whose wife (Julianne Moore) threatens to divorce him. As a result he hires a slick life coach (Ryan Gosling) to try and help him save his marriage. Bacon will play an alpha male co-worker of Moore's who has an affair with her (“WHORE!!!”). Emma Stone, Dan Fogelman and Analeigh Tipton co-star. John Requa and Glenn Ficarra ("Bad Santa," "I Love You Philip Morris") penned and will direct the film which begins shooting this month. This sounds like it could be a pretty good movie. A fellow great $teve, the redhead from Boogie Nights & the Big Lebowski, the hot chick from Zombieland, and in a movie written and directed by the guys who brought you Bad Santa. Oh…and sprinkle a little bit of crispy Bacon on top, which makes everything better. Any ideas for the title?

F**king Eagles – No, that’s not a suggested title. Most of us have gotten some type of injury during the beautiful act of coitus or lovemaking…and I’m sure all of us have while f**king. Well, it’s not just humans and their crazy torrid acts of primal sexual ravishing that can lead to injuries. An acrobatic display of passion proved too much for a pair of eagles engaged in a mating dance over Alaska's Prince William Sound (place, not the actual person). The female bird is recovering from an injured wing and other injuries sustained when the couple slammed beak-first into a hard snowbank in what her rescuers believe was an aerial courting ritual gone awry. The male eagle died in the impact, which left the birds buried upside down at least two feet in the snow in the town of Valdez. What a way to go! It's mating season for eagles, who perform an elaborate ritual where they clasp talons and spiral toward the ground. This pair probably got caught up in the throes of the moment (no minuteman for this eagle), said Bob Benda, a bird rescuer and biology professor at Prince William Sound Community College who was among those responding to the Easter Sunday crash. "They just lose track of what they're doing and don't know how close they are to the ground. It's raging hormones or something." But most eagles fling themselves back to reality instead of diving through a crunchy layer of snow. In this case, the male landed next to the female. If the talons had been locked, they were now separated, possibly thrust apart by the velocity of the landing. Benda said he thought both eagles had died but then noticed the female was breathing. He helped arrange the eagle's transfer to the Anchorage-based Bird Treatment and Learning Center, where she is slowly emerging from shock (way to go, you dead eagle stallion). "She is less dazed and confused every day," said Cindy Palmatier, the center's rehabilitation director. "She had this inward stare the first couple days." Judging by the bird's initial condition, Benda is amazed it's still among the living. The eagle had no broken bones, but she was severely traumatized, almost in a zombie state. The day being Easter, Benda took the bird home and figured he would keep her warm and comfortable in a crate in his heated garage until the end came. The next morning, she was still breathing and moving a wing, and by that night, she was being flown to Anchorage. "I didn't see how she could survive, but now I'm so happy she did," Benda said. At the rehabilitation center Friday, the eagle's head swiveled back and forth as she checked out some visitors. A few days earlier, she would have paid no attention to them, said Palmatier, who believes her patient suffered head trauma. The bird also showed no interest in food, but now is eating salmon and caribou meat (who wouldn’t?) and she's been taken off pain medications…but her left wing visibly droops and Palmatier said if there is significant ligament damage, there's a chance the eagle might not be able to fly again. But it's too early to tell and there's at least a month at the center still to come. Ultimately, Palmatier hopes the eagle can be released back to the wild in Valdez. She's not too worried about any psychological effects from the loss of the bird's partner (sh*t happens). "I like to say they may mate for life, but they mourn for a moment. They get over it pretty quick." What happens in Valdez, stays in Valdez apparently…but at least now I have a crazy idea for when I finally go skydiving. Then again, terminal velocity winds may have an undesired effect on my exposed scrotum…so I think I’ll just stick to the Mile High Club. On that note…

Hooking Up vs. Dating - A new study explores the gender preference of two different forms of dating common on university campuses. Although both genders perceive similar benefits and risks to dating and hooking up, more women than men continue to prefer dating whereas more men than women rate hooking up above dating. Traditional dating follows a predictable pattern whereby the man is active (he asks the woman to go out with him, organizes the date and at the end of it may initiate sexual activity); whereas the woman is reactive (she waits to be asked out on a date and accepts or rejects the man's sexual overtures). They know each other or want to get to know one another and there is the prospect of a future relationship. Traditional, right? In contrast, a hookup is a casual sexual encounter which usually occurs between people who are strangers or brief acquaintances. For instance, two people meet at a party where they have been drinking; they flirt and engage in sexual behaviors from kissing to sexual intercourse, with no commitment to a future relationship. Carolyn Bradshaw from James Madison University in Virginia and colleagues explored the reasons that motivate college men and women to hook up or to date, as well as the perceived relative benefits and costs of the two practices. Bradshaw and team exposed 150 female and 71 male college students from a southern, public American university to a variety of dating or hooking up situations (What? How do I become a Guinea pig?), such as when there was potential for a relationship, when their partner had a great personality and when drinking was involved. They asked the students the extent to which they would prefer dating or hooking up in each situation. The participants were also asked to pick the top three benefits and top three risks associated with dating and hooking up from a checklist, as well as provide details of their dating and hooking up activities over the past two years (that they could recall). Even though men initiated significantly more first dates than women, there was no gender difference in the number of first dates or number of hookups. For both men and women, the number of hookups was nearly double the number of first dates (WOW, I just need to go to more drunken college parties). Overall, both genders showed a preference for traditional dating over hooking up. However, of those students who strongly preferred traditional dating, there were significantly more women than men (41% vs. 20%). Of those who showed a strong preference for hooking up, there were far fewer women than men (2% vs. 17%). However, context mattered. When considering the possibility of a long-term relationship, both women and men preferred dating over hooking up; however, when the possibility of a relationship was not mentioned, men preferred hooking up and women preferred dating. On the whole, men and women agreed on the benefits and risks of dating and hooking up. However, there were some notable differences:

  • Women more than men seem to want a relationship. They fear, both in dating and hooking up, that they will become emotionally attached to a partner who is not interested in them.

  • Men more than women seem to value independence. They fear that even in hooking-up relationships, which are supposed to be free of commitments, a woman might seek to establish a relationship.

Okay, so…I’m going to clarify something for the scientists right now about this. The reason for the difference in these results…are children. Plain and simple. Women want a relationship more…because if they become pregnant, they don’t want to answer all the awkward questions like “Who’s the father?” if they can’t remember or they have to become a detective to find out the answer. Men seek independence in the same way that they buy used cars. They don’t want to pay a monthly check for the next 20 years on something they were hoping to handle in a one-time transaction. That also explains why both prefer the traditional method of dating, because they know the risks involved…but sometimes, you just crave that sense of connection to another human being, that thrill of passion, the feeling that somebody thinks enough of you to share this act of sensuality, or you just need a nut. Whatever the situation may be, that’s how I would explain the numbers in this study…but then again, I’m just a doctor…not a scientist. Though I have been studied in both fields. Anyway, just a little input that I thought I’d share with y’all. Maybe I’m wrong…but still, I want to know how I become a Guinea Pig in the follow-up to this study.

Well, I guess that’ll do it for today. If you don’t hear from me over the next few weeks, please don’t fret. It just means that I’m having a hella good time with the Wingmans, then going around the Western United States spreading Love to everyone that I meet (or meat). I’ll be sure to share all the wonderful pictures, stories, insights, suggestions, whatever that come along with my travels. What will be included? Well, there’s the gorgeous Pacific Coast of Half Moon Bay & Monterey with A-Lo, a trip to Golden Gate Park and their botanical gardens, a few museums concerning everything from Cartoon Art to Grammies to Neon, a birthday party with Lilie & her friends in Los Angeles, a birthday party with Bubbles & the Wingmans in Las Vegas, a week back home in Utah, probably a few pictures of my adorable niece & nephew, sushi will be had a few times I’m sure, and you know I have a nasty habit of “Oooh, that looks cool. Let’s go check that out” when I travel…so all this and more…plus my usual upbeat storytelling ability full of charm, sexual innuendo & conversational debates with myself. Yes, you have to be diagnosed as schizophrenic before it’s official. I’m looking forward to seeing all of you (well, most of you) during this trip. It’s going to be EPIC!!! Have a great time everybody!!! Drive safely. Love y’all madly!!!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Always Lucky to Be Here

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Welcome to my 777th post on my blog. Not bad for just under three years...and how much ridiculous babbling I do...but hey, thanks for reading. Perhaps my future memoirs will be released in volume format. So…I don’t know if I’ve already told you about the drama…but my mom went to Thailand on Friday…just as sh*t got really crazy, like not just people leaving pools of blood in the street…but like riots & fatalities. Saturday morning, I’m reading this in the newspaper…and my mom’s showing up right in the middle of it…so I’m understandably worried. I start to freak a little bit…because that’s my mama. Well, after about an hour, I get a call from a number I don’t know…and it’s my mom. Apparently, she had gotten to the airport, told the cab driver where her hotel was, and the driver basically said, “Ugh…they started shooting about an hour ago, so I’m not going to downtown. I’ll take you to this other place though.” So long story short, she’s safe & sound in the resort area of Pattaya, about 100 miles from Bangkok…and probably having a massage after a day of riding elephants or something. I was so glad to hear that…and of course the next few hours I was calling people up to let them know that they were okay (because calling from Thailand is expensive). The rest of the day, I basically caught up on some errands, got ready for my road trip, worked out a few times and enjoyed the outdoors a bit since I knew it supposed to snow on Sunday.

Sunday, I woke up, went to workout, played some basketball, and about an hour into it…I pulled a muscle in my lower back. Not cool. This must be what it’s like to get old. My dad always warned me growing up that tall people have back problems, so stand up straight, bend at the knees, all that kind of stuff…but it still doesn’t protect against everything. I was actually just kinda bending over to grab a basketball for a little 7-year old girl who had let it roll away…and JOINK!!! Tossed it back to her, calmly stepped over to my stuff, grabbed my bag, irked as I lifted my legs up into Gretchen, and went home. The rest of the day, I was basically trying to rest it, keep it stretched out a bit, heat pads, all that stuff. Really not my favorite thing in the world. To top it off, Bubbles called from Vegas…and one of her friends from work (met her once, sweet funny girl in her twenties) passed away in a car accident…and she was obviously a little distraught. I tried my best to ease her (from 500+ miles away) but when I was trying to let her talk & let it all out, it just made her cry more…until after about five minutes, she said she’d call me back later. I’ve had a few friends pass in car accidents over the years & have been in a few close calls myself. In fact, about a dozen classmates back in high school…and there’s really not much you can say. Sure, you’ve got the clichés like “they’re in a better place” and “at least they went quickly” or some stupid sh*t like that…but really, what can you say? Remember the good times you had? That doesn’t help, just leads to more crying…which can be therapeutic…but it’s not exactly something you want to show to those you care about. Being vulnerable when you’ve spent your whole life being a Rock or something like that. I don’t know. I’m not the best person to speak to over the phone about stuff like this. I’m more of a great shoulder to cry on & a great listener…but when it comes to my input, just keep talking on your own & I’ll nod and/or shake my head and let you let it all out. My condolences to Bubbles & her friend’s family and friends. It’s truly tragic…and one of the top fears I had of moving to Vegas last year. Drive safe out there. We’d really miss you.

Sorry about all that moping & whining. It’s not my style…but that was my weekend. A lot of worry, pain & longing to help friends. I know it sounds horrible…but it wasn’t that bad. Besides, the Wingmans will be here in two days (recent events may change that though) and we’re gonna have a great time before I go off and have a great time of my own on Road Trip 2010. So in the meantime, here’s some news clippings that you might like…

Summer Movies Update – Well, it’s almost that time of year. The days are getting longer, the flowers are blooming, the birds & bees are engaging in interspecies erotica (or whatever that metaphor means) and that means that the summer movie season is almost here…and there are some good ones. Just to put them all out there so that you can schedule your activities accordingly, here’s a quick sum-up of the big ones:

Iron Man 2 – May 7th – This movie should be awesome. Robert Downey jr’s back…and add a sexy Scarlett Johansen and a badass Mickey Rourke…and you’ve got movie gold. My dad & brother want me to go see it with them when I visit so we’ll see if I have a movie review when I come back from Road Trip 2010.

Robin Hood – May 14th – Director Ridley Scott & Russell Crowe team up to see if they can bring some of that “Gladiator” magic to Sherwood Forest. From what I understand, it’s a more historically accurate depiction of the Robin Hood story…but it’s gonna be difficult to top “Men in Tights” in my opinion.

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time – May 28th – Jake Gyllenhall plays a Persian prince. This may be up there with Brad Pitt as “The Mexican” and Tom Cruise as “The Last Samurai” but it should be an entertaining, time-traveling adventure with Ali Baba swords.

Killers – June 4th - The honeymoon's over for newlyweds in this action comedy about a wife (Katherine Heigl) who learns her husband (Ashton Kutcher) is a hit man. And no, this is not “Mr & Mrs Smith” or the “The Whole Nine Yards” or anything like that…so don’t even try. This is completely different.

Splice – June 4th - Genetic researchers (Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley) create a sexy but dangerous hybrid out of human and animal DNA. I assume the human DNA they used was not Adrien Brody’s. There’s a lot finer quality out there.

The A-Team – June 11th – Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper & Jessica Biel headline this remake of the TV series about ex-Special Forces mercenaries for the good guys…fitting the age old paradigm for effective teams. Can you guess which of these is the Brains, Brawn, Looks, Wild Card & Useless Chick? The answers may surprise you.

The Karate Kid – June 11th – Jaden Smith is a kid in China, Jackie Chan is a maintenance man or something, you all know the story. No word on whether Elizabeth Shue will be in it, nor whether there is any fear in this dojo… “No sensei.”

Jonah Hex – June 18th – Josh Brolin is a badass disfigured gunslinger, John Malkovich is a Confederate bad guy with a horde of zombies at his command, and Megan Fox is really really hot and will probably be wearing a corset and blowing smoke from a steaming barrel at least once. Probably the easiest sell of a movie ever.

Knight & Day – June 25th – Tom Cruise & Cameron Diaz are… who the hell cares?

Twilight Saga: Eclipse – June 30th – Double pass…

The Last Airbender – July 2nd – Director M. Night Shyamalan returns as he tells the story of the anime TV cartoon classic “Avatar” about a youth with mystical powers reuniting four warring nations. I don’t recall exactly why they couldn’t just name the movie “Avatar” but here’s the twist ending – Unobtainium.

Predators – July 9th – Adrien Brody heads a band of human warriors against the fiercest warriors in the universe. It’s brilliant. What better way to take down this race of hideous aliens than with a man who can walk among them as one of their own like Adrien Brody? HA!!! Okay, at this point, I want to apologize. That is twice now that I’ve criticized Mr. Brody’s looks…and he’s actually an inspiration to me. If that guy can crack the Top 10 sexiest men list, then there’s hope for a guy like me. All I need is to be presented an award by Megan Fox…and it’s on.

Inception – July 16th – Director Christopher Nolan (“Dark Knight” & “Prestige”) teams up with Leonardo DiCaprio in a story about a man who uses technology to enter people’s dreams and steal their ideas. Oh yeah. You know how I feel about dreams…plus throwing in a master storyteller like Nolan and…basically the Brando of our time, DiCaprio. Yeah, I’m excited about this one.

The Sorceror’s Apprentice – July 16th - Nicolas Cage reunites with "National Treasure" creators Bruckheimer and Jon Turteltaub, playing an ancient wizard who takes on a protégé (Jay Baruchel) in modern times to fight a scheming enemy. Could be good.

Salt – July 23rd – Angelina Jolie is a CIA agent out to prove her innocence after a defector announces her as a Russian spy. Angelina with guns, can’t really go wrong, right? Okay, “Wanted” was really bad…but I’m sure this will be better.

The Adjustment Bureau – July 30th – Matt Damon's a politician battling mysterious forces aiming to squelch his romance with a ballerina (Emily Blunt). I like that word “squelch” a lot. What’s that term, onomatopoeia? When a word is what it sounds like or something? Squish, splat, etc. What? Do you want me to comment about the movie? It’s a politician Matt Damon & a ballerina. What more is there to say? Is it a thriller? A romantic comedy? I don’t know. I don’t care. Why?

The Expendables – August 13th – THIS is why. Probably the movie I’m most excited for personally…because it’s just really the kind of action movie I like. Take all the big action stars of the past 30 years, put them into one movie, give them a South American jungle dictator to take out, leave the women & children at home. Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, the list goes on & on & on…and not to spoil it (because I already did a few months ago) but there’s apparently cameos by Bruce Willis & the Governator himself…so yeah, fun for all who love the 2nd amendment. Anyway, hope this proves helpful…

Marilyn Update - Just when you thought every last bit of Marilyn Monroe had been put up for auction, including the crypt above hers at a local cemetery, along comes the couch from her shrink's office. Darren Julien of Julien's Auctions says the psychiatric sofa will be offered June 26-27 during the Hollywood Legends auction at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino Las Vegas. Other Monroe-abilia up for grabs: her Chanel No. 5, personal photos, bank statements, scripts, signed checks and the chair used in the star's final photo shoot (not the Playboy spread). That’s great and all that somebody’s gonna make a buck off this and another’s going to have a piece of history…but what intrigues me…is what might’ve been spoken on that couch a half century ago. Everybody knows that Marilyn was the quintessential troubled Hollywood starlet – young, beautiful, confused, conflicted, affectionate, addicted, passionate, talented, manipulated, manipulating, but I often wonder if there was a friend or anyone that she felt she could truly confide in, release her inner most thoughts to, her concerns, her dreams, her goals, her heartaches, all of that mess that I assume a shrink is for when you don’t have a friend or family member to go to. Could there have been a way to help her? Or was it too late by that point & the damage was irreversible? Did she think about the future or just live in the moment? Did her past haunt her? Did she look back fondly on her parents? I don’t know. People just fascinate me. You can look at all the evidence, all the trinkets of their life, all the second-hand stories, but you never really know what was going through their mind at any given point or time. Seriously, I hate to say it, but even Hitler thought he was doing good. His thought patterns might’ve been completely out of whack…but behind just about every action, whether good or bad, is a reasoning. Why did she take the pills? Did she just want to end it all? Did she feel completely helpless? Was it an accident? Murder by the secret service? Was she just completely exhausted & that’s how everybody was coping? Miscalculation? Was she sad/angry at the time? What was she sad/angry about? How did she start taking pills? Who knows? But, I guess, if you want to own the couch that she might’ve confided some of the back-story into, then you’ve got a chance in June in sunny Las Vegas. Sorry, I think about weird things sometimes…and go off on rants…but you already know that.

Beatles Update – Remember how I made a big deal about Rock Band: The Beatles? Yeah, still haven’t played it. Didn’t seem like a great deal at the time…but it’ll probably be cheaper soon. Oh…and my Rock Band guitar is still broken. Word to the wise, don’t move all your earthly possession three times in a year to three different states. Anyway, enough about this…his is about John, Paul, George & Ringo. The Vatican has something to say to the Beatles – They’re sorry. No, this isn’t a story of a Liverpool priest, four trusting alter boys & a cover-up. The Vatican has just finally made peace with the Beatles, saying their drug use, "dissolute" lives and even the claim that the band was bigger than Jesus are all in the past — while their music lives on. Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano paid tribute to the Fab Four in its weekend editions, with two articles and a front-page cartoon reproducing the crosswalk immortalized on the cover of the band's album "Abbey Road." The tribute marked the 40th anniversary of the band's breakup. "It's true, they took drugs; swept up by their success, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives," said the paper. "They even said they were more famous than Jesus," it said, recalling John Lennon's 1966 comment that outraged many Catholics and others. "But, listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless. Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still give us emotions, live on like precious jewels." It is not the first time the Vatican has praised the legendary band from Liverpool. Two years ago, Vatican media hailed the Beatles' musical legacy on the 40th anniversary of the "White Album." And last month the Vatican paper included "Revolver" in its semiserious list of top-10 albums. Now, L'Osservatore says that the Beatles' songs have stood the test of time, and that the band remains "the longest-lasting, most consistent and representative phenomenon in the history of pop music." Giovanni Maria Vian, the editor in chief of L'Osservatore Romano, said Monday that he loves the Beatles. He said that at the time of Lennon's sensational statement, Osservatore "commented that in reality it wasn't that scandalous, because the fascination with Jesus was so great that it attracted these new heroes of the time." Congratulations boys…er rather, men. It’s true. Your music does stand the test of time. Now I’m thinking the Vatican may want to focus on other grudges.

Eat Your Veggies – Now for some more light-hearted fare, police say a Pennsylvania father went to his son's elementary school to retrieve nearly four ounces of marijuana from the kindergartner's Elmo backpack (Light Me Up Elmo?). State police say Ronald Washington called Menallen Elementary School in Uniontown on Thursday morning to ask if his son had arrived at school. Police say Washington told school officials he needed to fetch something from the boy's backpack, prompting school officials to search it. Police say school officials called to say they had found pot in the bag. Troopers were waiting to arrest Washington when he arrived shortly before 9 a.m. Online court records don't list an attorney for the 33-year-old Washington. He was unable to post $100,000 (seriously, who can?) and therefore jailed. Hmm, wonder what the kid’s up to now. Anyway, a thought I had was, what if the dad is innocent? Now, hear me out, I’m not a lawyer…but I would totally go with this scenario…and say prove beyond a reasonable doubt otherwise. Repeat after me, “There was WHAT in my son’s backpack? Four ounces? Jesus!!! I can’t believe my son’s a pot dealer. I just wanted to get my calculator that I let him borrow back.” “Do you expect us to believe that your son is selling & distributing marijuana?” “Do you think if it were mine, that I would’ve put FOUR OUNCES into my son’s backpack…of ALL places on God’s Green Earth? I’m sure that I don’t need to tell you this…but even if it’s schwag, that’s over $600. Why, of all the safe places in creation, would I have put that into my son’s backpack…knowing full well that he would take it to school? I should’ve seen all the warning signs. The late hours at ‘soccer practice’… Nobody plays soccer anymore. Always having the newest video games. If I weren’t so stoked that he wanted to play online with me, I probably would’ve wondered where he got the money from. Surely not from me. I’m a custodian.” Anyway, that’s the angle that I would go with. Free legal advice courtesy of Dr Love. Follow-up advice: Don’t drop the soap.

Just Cutting the Grass - Border authorities arrested a man trying to cross the border with two mowers stuffed with the type of grass not usually found in machinery. U.S. Customs and Border Protection arrested an unidentified Mexican man who tried to smuggle 53 pounds' worth of marijuana across the border on Friday (over 200 times what was in the kid’s Elmo bag). The man drove into the inspection station from Tijuana, Mexico, at about 5:30 AM (first clue) hauling the lawnmowers in his pickup. A dog alerted agents and a search turned up 21 packages of pot crammed inside the chassis of the mowers (not the bags). The driver was arrested and booked into San Diego county jail on suspicion of drug trafficking. If it weren’t for the dogs, they might’ve gotten away with it…but that’s why they have them. Just a little something to picture next time you’re out mowing the lawn. “Man, if this were pot, it’d be worth the hassle.” I hope to never go to jail for something like this…because I know I would be the guy in this next story.

One MAJOR Typo - A Thai man has been released from an Indonesian prison after spending three extra years behind bars because of a typo in his paperwork, a report said Friday. Kamjai Khong Thavorn, 53, should have been released in 2007 after serving a 20-year sentence for heroin possession but a clerical error wrongly stated his first year in prison as 1997 instead of 1987, the Jakarta Globe reported. Oops. It gets better. Kamjai was released Thursday only after he told Indonesia's justice minister of the mistake during a chance meeting on the minister's tour of the maximum security prison in Central Java. "We realized the mistake that was made, so he was released unconditionally," the prison's warden, Sutrisman, told the newspaper. Kamjai has been taken to the Thai Embassy in Jakarta, the warden said. Officials at the justice ministry and prison could not immediately be reached for comment Friday…as they are still looking into who to blame for this, I’m sure. How much would that suck? “Hey warden, I ugh…was just watching a little news on TV and ugh…it’s 2010.” “Ugh, yeah?” “Well, granted I’m no mathemagician or anything but…I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be out of here back in 2007.” “Not according to your paperwork.” “Dude, we’ve been buddies since I first came here back in ’87 and you were just the swing shift guard.” “True, you’re a cool cat…but I can’t let you out early.” “Well, I was only supposed to be here for twenty years…so 2007, right?” “Ye…yeah. I just had my 25th anniversary party and…huh, maybe we should have somebody look into that. But first things first, three lashes for making me think. Turn around.” It is an Indonesian prison. I thought I was stretching it by saying they had TV for the inmates.

Anyway, I guess that’ll do it for today. Keep an eye out for your favorite summer movies coming up. Iron Man 2, Jonah Hex, Predators & the Expendables are at the top of my list. Hopefully I can find somebody in the area who might wanna check out a few with me. You know…one of those girls out there who like comic books, Megan Fox & disfigured older men, badass alien hunters & a gang of aging mercenaries. There are baker’s dozens just standing in line for me, I’m sure of it. Have a great day everybody!!!

Friday, April 9, 2010

You're Just What I Needed

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, my mom’s off to Asia. She called me this morning as she was boarding the plane…and apparently she’s going to miss me. I’m sure she’ll get over that when she sees the Forbidden City, Okinawa, and everything else over the next month. Oh well, I’ll just have to do with the metropolis of San Francisco, the majesty of the Pacific Coast, an entire city populated by Angels, another city ripe with sin & decadence, then a week back home…all while spending time with those that I love. I’m sure I’ll get over it too. Anyway, that’s really about it for me so…back to you, $teve.

Johnny English Sequel – Have you seen “Johnny English” yet? Well you should. Also, Universal Pictures and Working Title are assembling a sequel to the spy comedy "Johnny English" says Variety. The 2003 James Bond satire had Rowan Atkinson starring as an inept British Intelligence worker called into service after every secret agent in the country is wiped out in an explosion at a funeral. He soon uncovers a plot by French prison entrepreneur Pascal Sauvage (John Malkovich) to steal the British Crown Jewels. The original cost a modest $40 million and even though it flopped in the U.S. ($28 million), it did very well overseas with a global $161 million haul. Oliver Parker ("St. Trinian's") is onboard to direct with the budget expected to be around the same. The move is seen as an example of the struggling studio's new plans to avoid high-cost, high-risk fare. Hamish McColl ("Mr. Bean's Holiday") penned the screenplay and Tim Bevan and Eric Fellner are producing. Filming kicks off in August. So there you go. Also, I think I know of the perfect big name American actor who could fill the shoes of Malkovich in the sequel…and may be looking for a good paying gig…

Nicolas Cage Update – Ladies, Nicolas Cage may be looking for a home. Okay, probably not, but now that I have your attention, a Bel-Air mansion owned by Nicolas Cage has found no takers in a foreclosure auction. The opening bid for the actor's 12,000-square-foot home was $10.4 million, but there are $18 million worth of loans on the property (that’s $1500 per square foot or over $10 per square inch). The Tudor mansion boasts six bedrooms, a central tower, home theater and an Olympic-sized pool. The house reverted to the foreclosing lender at Wednesday's auction in Pomona. Even though he's one of Hollywood's highest-paid stars, Cage has money troubles. He owes millions in unpaid taxes and in January his foreclosed home in Las Vegas sold for nearly $5 million. Cage sued his former business manager in October for $20 million, claiming the man's advice led him toward financial ruin (never should’ve invest in our children’s future). The ex-manager says Cage is a spendthrift. It’s amazing how this happens to some stars & big wigs…but it’s really hard to feel sorry for them at the same time. How much was he asking for his house? Oh about a thousand times what I made last year after taxes? Sounds a little rich for my blood. Maybe if I get a good rate on a loan… nah, Bel Air’s not my cup o’ tea. Best of luck to you sir. I hope that you get a fair price for your property and are able to get out of financial debt…because I don’t want you to have to do another Ghost Rider. No one should be subjected to that.

Beer Strike - Scores of Carlsberg workers walked off their jobs in protest Thursday after the Danish brewer tightened laid-back rules on workplace drinking and removed beer coolers from work sites (GASP!!!), a company spokesman said. The warehouse and production workers in Denmark are rebelling against the company's new alcohol policy, which allows them to drink beer only during lunch hours in the canteen. Previously, they could help themselves to beer throughout the day, from coolers placed around the work sites (f**k your water coolers, America!!!). The only restriction was "that you could not be drunk at work. It was up to each and everyone to be responsible," company spokesman Jens Bekke said. Carlsberg had mulled a stricter drinking policy for years and finally decided to impose the new rules on April 1st (seriously, April Fool’s Day? Is this a joke?), prompting protests from the staff. Bekke said around 800 workers went on strike Wednesday and around 250 walked (or rather stumbled) off their jobs Thursday, resulting in interruptions to beer transports in and around Copenhagen. Carlsberg's truck drivers joined the strike in sympathy — even though they are exempt from the new rules, Bekke said. Oh…and yeah, you read that correctly. The truck drivers…are exempt from the rules involving not being drunk while working. Specifically, the truck drivers are permitted to bring three beers from the canteen because they often don't have time to have lunch there. You know, it’s like the Danish equivalent of ADA but for the drunk driver that’s always on the go. Sigh… don’t worry, the trucks have alcohol ignition locks preventing the drivers from driving drunk…or at least over the legal limit. So in case you’re wondering why your local grocery store doesn’t have Carlsberg brand on the shelf right now…well, there’s a lot of reasons why…but this is just the newest. I’ve toured a few breweries where the employees get to test their draft…and it was like walking through a screening of Billy Bonka & the Beer Factory. There was a guide in a crazy get-up, answering questions in little quips before breaking into song, a river of lager with a boat made of pretzeled bread, short migrant workers speaking what must’ve been Elfish, twinkling neon shimmering off massive vats of barley-based ecstasy. During our testing after the tour, a few samples in, I swear I could hear the tour guide singing, “Take one drink, then you’ll sink, into a wooooorld of pure inebriation…” but then again, I’m pretty sure that was a Family Guy episode. Damn alcohol (and head injuries) has rotted my memory. My God! Do you think other beer companies would go on strike? Will this disease spread south into the Netherlands, Bavaria, the Czech Republic, maybe even…cross oceans? No, no I refuse to even think about it. I refuse to even imagine a world that’s as dry in every way as the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. That would truly be the end of the world. “Oh $teve, you’re crazy. There’s no way that would happen. Besides, haven’t you been saying for years now that snakes will destroy us all before striking brewery workers, global warming, nuclear holocaust or a Miley Cyrus Oscar?” First off, thank you for heading my warnings…and secondly, when you’re right, you’re right…but I had already thought of that…

Apocalypse Update – We’ll never make it to a world without beer? Well, the evil snake forces of the Apocalypse have already infiltrated Germany. Authorities in the German city of Muelheim spent over 100,000 Euros on a three week mission to recover ONE missing snake -- only to discover it had died (or sacrificed for the good of the snake forces). "We had to do everything in our power to find this cobra," said Volker Wiebels, spokesman for the city council. After the highly poisonous monocled cobra (yes, cobra…apparently wearing a lensed eyepiece) escaped from its container in March, fire services cleared the entire apartment block, removed all the furniture and gutted the owner's flat (before stuffing it into intestinal lining & marinating it in beer). They then sealed all the doors and windows of the building, so the 30 cm (1 foot) long reptile couldn't get out, and set large sticky traps to catch it, Wiebels said. Officials finally found the snake lying dead in the rooftop apartment of its 19-year-old owner on Thursday. By that time the cost of the operation had ballooned to about 100,000 Euros (about $135,000). Taxpayers are likely on the hook for 40,000 Euros, because an escaped snake is considered public hazard, Wiebels said. The rest falls on the owner, who paid 70 Euros for the snake at a local reptile trade fair. It was unclear if the city would get its money back, because the man is currently unemployed. "The snake may have been cheap, but unfortunately what happened next wasn't," Wiebels said. To summarized, one foot-long cobra…brought an entire city of 170,000 people to its knees…and cost six digits to find…and when found, it was conveniently dead & gutted in the apartment where he first went missing. The snakes are using our own policies against us. They know that if there’s a venomous snake entered into an environment of a worldwide financial leader like Germany…and in an area where it could survive…then they could bring down their enemy from the top-down. New children’s tales about evil one-eyed snakes (remember, he was monocled) that spit poison into your eyes, both killing Germans & stopping them from reproducing (“Ew, get that one-eyed snake away from me!”). Also, costing obscene amounts of money searching for them…when they’d obviously have to retreat to the ground to survive the bitter cold. Alas, the people of Muelheim wouldn’t stop searching until they found it…so the slithery council decided to sacrifice Raput, the assassin from India for the greater good…and placed his body in an area that was easy for the authorities to find, unable to be tortured for their plans of poisoning the water supply (why I only drink beer & whiskey). Still think I’m crazy? Well then, you explain it Detective. In the meantime…just stay outta my way…and when the Apocalypse comes…I’ll try not to say I told you so…

Mind Reading Machines – Have you ever found yourself wondering, “What the f**k is he thinking?” Probably a few times reading this blog…but help is on the way to answering that somewhat rhetorical question. Mind reading may no longer be the domain of psychics and fortune tellers — now some computers can do it, too. Software that uses brain scans to determine what items people are thinking about was among the technological innovations showcased Wednesday by Intel Corp., which drew back the curtain on a number of projects that are still under development (yet still kept the curtains over the Weather Dominator). The software analyzes functional MRI scans to determine what parts of a person's brain is being activated as he or she thinks. In tests, it guessed with 90% accuracy which of two words a person was thinking about, said Intel Labs researcher Dean Pomerleau (Boobs or Booty?). Eventually, the technology could help the severely physically disabled to communicate. And Pomerleau sees it as an early step toward one day being able to control technology with our minds (and probably the other way around too…but shhhh…it’s a secret). "The vision is being able to interface to information, to your devices and to other people without having an intermediary device," he said. For now, the project's accomplishments are far more modest — it can only be used with prohibitively expensive and bulky fMRI equipment and hasn't yet been adapted to analyze abstract thoughts. The system works best when a person is first scanned while thinking of dozens of different concrete nouns — words like "bear" or "hammer." When test subjects are then asked to pick one of two new terms and think about it, the software uses the earlier results as a baseline to determine what the person is thinking. The software works by analyzing the shared attributes of different words. For example, a person who is thinking of a bear uses the same parts of the brain that light up when he or she thinks of a puppy or something else furry. A person thinking of a bear also shows activity in the amygdala — home of the fight-or-flight response. While Intel primarily makes computer processors and other hardware, it often works to develop and demonstrate new technologies in an effort to stimulate the market and advance its reputation. Other innovations on display at Wednesday's Intel event in Manhattan included:

  • Cell phone technology that would use motion, GPS and audio data gathered through users' cell phones to track what they're doing and who they're with (and who they’re doing and what with). The technology can distinguish activities such as walking, giving a business presentation and driving. It also compares audio readings from different cell phones to determine who is in the same room (remember Dark Knight?). This would allow users to share their activity information with their close friends and watch avatar versions of their friends throughout the day. It would also let users track and analyze data about how they spend their time. Yeah, that’s the application they’re selling you on…but we all know what it’ll really be used for. Big Brother stuff.

  • "Dispute Finder" technology that monitors users' conversations and Internet browsing to warn them when they encounter contested or inaccurate information. The software mines the Internet to find instances in which writers have claimed something is untrue. It then uses speech recognition technology to monitor conversations. So…like a bullsh*t finder? Uh oh. The days of my blog may be limited…but this’ll eventually become a lie detector or something.

  • A transparent holographic shopping display that could be used in department stores to point consumers to featured items. Shoppers could also use the giant screen to search the store's inventory, call up maps, and send item information to their cell phones. Oh yeah, holographic employees to help you. “Excuse me, I’m sorry… could you make this a redhead with a higher skirt & a low cut? Thank you. Hello Miss, I’m looking for a new camera.”

  • A TV set-top box that connects wirelessly to your laptop and monitors your Internet search history, as well as your TV viewing, to offer relevant video. Why? So the wife can know that I’m watching porn on my laptop while she’s taking the kids to soccer practice? “Roger, why does it keep telling us that ‘The Lord of the G-Strings’ just started on another channel?” “I don’t know. Oh, maybe it’s because I was watching Lord of the Rings the other night. That’s it.” “Now it’s recording ‘Miss Wu and her Amazing Panda Show’ what the hell?” “Oh really? Miss Wu is on? Holy crap honey, you’ve got to see this. Kids!!! Bedtime!!!”

So in other words, combined with Sexbots, iPads, and all that other technological crap, we may very well be on our way to living in a Philip K. Dick story. Then again, that may be the least of our worries if the snakes have anything to do with it. Man, this entry started out with a Johnny English sequel and then just kinda went downhill after that. Sorry about that. If only there was a story around that had something good to end on…like a message of hope…or a tale of my native state of Utah…or just a cute picture of a puppy…or even a funny pun…

In Deep Shih Tzu – How about all of the above, b**ches??? A stray dog is recovering after getting run over by a freight train — TWICE. Fred Krause of Utah Railway Company says he spotted the cream-colored Shih Tzu on the tracks Sunday near a high school in a Salt Lake City suburb. Krause, who was operating a train, says there was no way to stop before it ran over the dog, which was small enough to avoid actually being hit. Krause says he spotted the same dog on the return trip and this time the pup wasn't so lucky. The dog was running on the tracks and got whacked by the train's snowplow. Krause drove back to the site later and found the dog, which was still dazed and lying on the tracks (ugh…it got hit by a train). Krause and his family in Clinton are nursing the dog back to health and are calling him "The Little Guy." Why? Because everybody roots for the little guy…and had he not been so lucky, he’s be called “Shih Tzu Stain” or something. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

Yeah, that’ll do it for today. Sorry for my message of impending doom before the weekend…but hey, the weather’s lovely so go check it out. Do something with someone that you Love. Hell, do something with everybody that you Love. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Meat-Less Mondays

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s been a busy couple of days at work…but that’s usually a good sign. It’s also been absolutely gorgeous outside since our snowstorms over the weekend. Spring is right around the corner…and I don’t know about you…but I’m feelin’ it. Can’t wait to start this Road Trip. Speaking of which, my mom & stepdad leave for their trip in the morning…and of course it starts in Bangkok, where it keeps getting crazier and crazier. I’ve already informed my mom to not wear any red shirts, just to be safe. If you wouldn’t mind, say a little prayer for them and all the other people around the world that are traveling to get their culture on…and are in the middle of political craziness.

Today at lunch, I sat down with a coworker of mine, who we’ll call Rose, and we chatted it up a bit. I like Rose. She’s always got a smile on her face and is just the funniest & greatest person you could ever hope to meet. From the first day I came here, she said that she liked my great posture and it made me look so handsome. Of course, from that day on, we’ve been buddies. Well, she recently won a company award for being so damn awesome, so I asked her about the awards dinner that she went to the other night…and she was almost in tears talking about it. Tears of joy…but she just couldn’t believe that so many of her coworkers had great things to say about her…and she was just being herself. As we were chatting about it, another coworker came and sat down…and she wasn’t in the best mood. So Rose cheered her up, much like I do. Ask them what’s wrong, let them vent, make a joke or two, and ended it with “Well, if you need cheering up later, stop by my office. I’ve got M&Ms and Snickers.” Not only that, she left for a second, came back, gave her a Snickers bar in case of emergency tears…and gave me a Snickers too. “Because I know guys don’t cry, I figured I’d just give you this for being a nice guy.” This is why we get along so well. We’re like-hearted people. It’s usually a rare opportunity where we get to officially congratulate somebody on being awesome…but you can always make somebody’s day by doing the little things everyday. A positive attitude & a smile…will not only make your day better…but probably a few dozen people along the course of your day. And it’s appreciated. Even if you don’t hear “Thanks for being such a sweetheart” or “You really made my day” or anything like that, most people appreciate that you’re at least trying to make them feel better, even in professional or anonymous casual settings. So Rose, if you’re out there reading this for some reason, thank you again for being awesome…and congratulations on your award. Other than that, not a whole lot to report on my end…so ugh…yeah, here’s some news…

Bank Robbing Update – I swear that I’m not purposely seeking out these bank robbing stories. There have just been an abundance of them in the news…and I keep tripping over them. It’s not like I’m seeking them out (I save that for Megan Fox & Pandas). Police say a man robbed a Bank of America branch in Portland, Oregon on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. He crashed the car a short time later in a fast-food restaurant (probably Taco Bell) parking lot and fled on foot. The car and dogs belonged to Melanie Davis, who was in the bank during the holdup. She tells The Oregonian the man burst into the bank shouting profanity, said it was a robbery and threatened to shoot those inside if they didn't cooperate (think opening scene of Pulp Fiction). After grabbing the money, he demanded Davis' car keys. The dogs were recovered unharmed (and yapping). Police spokeswoman Detective Mary Wheat says Portland police and the FBI are looking for the robber. That’s a good start. There have really been a LOT of bank robberies this past month, right? I’m not just crazy…at least about this. I think the bank robber may have suffered enough though. Seriously, you just robbed a bank, you’re making a clean getaway, you just got the keys to sweet Jaguar…and you’re like a few hours through the backwoods until you’re in Canada if you so choose. Then as soon as you start the car, you hear this horrible noise. Is it the fan belt? Did a ferret get caught in a vent? Is the CD in the player a recording of tortured Vietnamese schoolchildren? Nope. Even worse. It’s a live Chihuahua in the backseat. Oh sweet Jesus, there’s two of them. Quick, get out of town…and then you can dump them on the side of the road somewhere and they’ll find their way back. Wow, this thing goes a lot faster than my Datsun. Why won’t those things stop yapping? Shut up!!! In nature you wouldn’t even exist. You would be the chew toys of REAL dogs. Stop it!!! Stopitstopitstopitstopit… AAAAGH!!! That’s it. You want some Taco Bell? YOU WANT SOME TACO BELL??? Here’s your f**king Taco Bell. So long, rats!!! CRASH!!! Then he starts to laugh as he makes his getaway on foot…then he hears it in the distance. NOOOO!!! THEY LIIIIVE!!! AAAGH!!! He runs away into the woods never to be seen again. Oh, that’s not how it happened Detective? Well please, feel free to share your story. Does it involve two big freakin’ guys? Where you goin’? NOWHERE!!!

Meat-Less Mondays – I just thought of something. Is PETA’s headquarters in San Francisco? I know there are a lot of hippies and activist types…but I may have to Google that. Anyway, besides approving rules against using plastic grocery bags, mixing recycling with compost, and smoking in sidewalk cafes, San Francisco supervisors have passed a resolution asking residents to observe meatless Mondays. San Francisco supervisors passed the resolution Tuesday for no-meat Mondays in their latest legislative endorsement of healthy, eco-conscious living. It cannot stop the city's residents from eating meat (though I’d like to see it try, just for my own amusement). Instead, it is meant to call attention to the relationship between diet and climate change. To some, the resolution is a welcome reminder of the small part that residents play in solving a larger problem. Others, however, were left asking for Board of Supervisor-Free Fridays. Most shrugged it off as another one of those "only in San Francisco" initiatives that many forget about soon after passage. Not unlike tofu…quickly forgotten after passage…where red meat will stick around and resonate with you for years to come. “Remember that Porterhouse from that place at Union Square a few months ago.” “Remember it? Sh*t, I’ve still got it with me. Man that was a tasty steak.” “A toast…to delicious animals.” That reminds me. The Wingmans will be here in a few days… Now I know where they can get a good steak if desired.

Condors: Remember Them? – For the last few decades, there hasn’t been the allure of the greatly endangered California Condor as say…Pandas. And yes, I take personal responsibility for this phenomenon based on my blog and the invention of Panda Porn. However, we finally have some good news to report concerning the skies of California. For the first time in more than a century, a California condor chick successfully hatched inside a federal park that once was a domain of the endangered species. Biologists at Pinnacles National Monument in Central California celebrated the milestone announced Wednesday in the slow recovery of the birds. But their enthusiasm was tempered because the egg did not belong to any adult birds in the park (What?). A pair of condors there had conceived an egg in March that biologists then took for safekeeping and replaced with a plastic egg. Biologists later discovered the embryo had died seven days into its development. "It wasn't surprising the egg wasn't viable," said Daniel George, manager of the condor program at Pinnacles. "That can happen with first-time breeders." The pair in Pinnacle later hatched an egg that was slipped into their nest after being produced by a pair of condors in the San Diego Wildlife Park captive breeding program (the Van Nuys of the Wild Kingdom, where all kinds of animalistic porn & breeding is produced). The chick emerged from its grapefruit-sized shell on March 24. Its sex will be determined soon with blood tests done when it receives its West Nile Virus vaccine. "It's a good step forward for the program," said biologist Joe Burnett of Ventana Wilderness Society, a partner in the recovery program. Removing new eggs from nests so the gangly birds with nearly 10-foot wingspans don't accidentally destroy them is just part of the tedious recovery effort. Biologists don't want this first generation of new birds to become discouraged if their mating efforts don't pay off (if at first you don’t succeed, try again). "It's a tenuous process because you don't know if they will accept it," George said. "So far all of their instincts seem to be operating properly." Biologists and the public were able to monitor the progress of the birds' 57-day egg-sitting from Scout Peak above the cliff-side nest. Tourists have flocked from as far as Kentucky to see the rare sight, which has not occurred in an area in free view of the public since the recovery program began. Two days before the birth, visitors witnessed the sometimes-comical reaction of the birds as the egg began to move and emit noises. "They'll get up all of the sudden and look at it, then try to reposition it," George said. Hmm, I would think that’s to avoid it from accidentally going over the cliff and splatting across the Sierra Nevadas…but I’m no scientist. In 1982, the last 22 California condors were placed in captive breeding programs. Since then, hunters and lead poisoning from bullets left in carcasses have hampered the recovery of the birds, which currently number 350. Over the past decade, the birds have been released at three sites around California and one in Arizona. Without parents in the wild to teach them safe behavior, some of the newborns have been caught and placed in breeding programs after repeatedly perching on power lines or coming too close to people. The birth announced Wednesday occurred after a male condor released in 2004 at Big Sur and a female released the same year at Pinnacles began exhibiting mating and nesting behavior last year. Condors generally mate for life. So far, the new parents are adapting to life with child. George said they take turns nestling their offspring to keep it warm, just as they did the egg. While one waits, the other forages for food. However, the potential that they could bring back bits of a carcass tainted with lead bullets is a threat to the survival of the youngster. Of the 77 eggs laid in the wild since 2001, 33 lived for at least six months — long enough to fly. If the newest one survives, its wings will grow from their current thumb size to a span of at least 9 1/2 feet. The young condor will live with its parents for a year. The adults will wait two years before producing another egg. "For first-time parents they're doing a good job," George said. So there you go, the condor population has gone from a few dozen to a few hundred in the span of about thirty years. Congratulations scientists. How about one more story from the skies where it’s always sunny?

Eagles Update – Right now in Philadelphia, not too many people want to talk about Eagles. Since they released and/or traded away basically every bit of their heart & soul over the last year, the football team is currently in a position where probably the one player with any professional leadership experience…spent two years in federal prison & lost over $100 million in endorsements for being a part of a few dogs fighting each other. Think about it. Who else? However, that being said, not everything concerning Eagles is horrible, ridiculous & just plain retarded. A pair of Philadelphia Eagles are causing some excitement, but it has nothing to do with football. These bald eagles have beaten high odds and are raising two eaglets in the John Heinz National Wildlife Refuge at Tinicum, near Philadelphia International Airport. Officials say they're the first bald eagles ever to do so on the refuge. Refuge manager Gary Stolz says eagles are normally sensitive to city noise and have been known to abandon nests in urban environments, but this pair seems to not be bothered by the planes overhead (or have just come to the realization that there’s no escaping it). Stolz says the eagles are looking good, stretching their wings and helping out the refuge by eating invasive carp. The eaglets could be flying in about a month. How about that? In our nation’s former capital, a family of majestic bald eagles is proudly perched there to greet visitors at the airport before they visit Independence Hall, the Museum of Contemporary Art, City Hall, the Franklin Institute, Fairmont Park, and all of the other sights that the City of Brotherly Love has to offer. Hmm… I’m thinking another road trip may be in order for next year.

Female Spacesuit – Since we’re talking about chicks in the air, let’s casually move to chicks in space. The latest creation by Japanese fashion designer Tae Ashida is truly out of this world - an outfit twinning a blue cardigan and shorts made for astronaut Naoko Yamazaki. The US space shuttle Discovery blasted off on Monday with Yamazaki and two other female crew on board, bound for the International Space Station (ISS) on a historic mission that put more women in orbit than ever before. Ahead of her departure, Yamazaki, 39, asked Ashida, daughter of fashion guru Jun Ashida, to design her work clothes for the 13-day space mission and she came up with a slim knit cardigan in light blue with navy blue shorts. “As a female designer, I chose a design and color with a sense of grace ... so that she can feel at ease as she carries out a tough mission in a male-dominated, bleak atmosphere,” Ashida said on Wednesday. “It's like a dream come true to see my clothes worn in space,” said Ashida. “I'm looking forward to seeing her wear my design.” Yamazaki also brought a miniature version of the traditional Japanese harp, known as a koto, to the station to play an ensemble with her countryman Soichi Noguchi, who has carried his Japanese flute to the station. Yamazaki asked a Japanese musical instrument factory to make a miniature version of the koto, which usually measures about 1.8 meters, to meet the size limit for her space shuttle cabin luggage. “The sound is quite different from that of an authentic one, but I'm very much looking forward to seeing her play the koto in space,” said instrument maker Kenzo Ogawa, who produced the mini harp. Okay, so honestly, I just wanted to show the picture of this outfit. The legs are just…wow. For me to say that the legs are a little too long…is quite an accomplishment. I prefer the rough sketches of fashion guru & winner Dennis Reynolds. Also, the best thing about space…is nobody can hear you suck at playing a miniature harp. Just throwing that out there…

Dream Job Update – Are you doing your dream job? No? Why not? What is your dream job? Movie star? Professional athlete? Prostitute? Working with kids? Spiritual healer? Superhero? How about photographer for Playboy? Yeah, a lot of people have probably considered that one. They thought it would be all fun and glamour, but when 10 photographers recently gathered for a new reality TV show, they learned there was more to taking pictures of naked women than a good camera lens & thinking about baseball to avoid a “tripod” situation. "Playboy Shootout," which premiered this past Saturday on cable television's subscriber-only Playboy Channel puts the photographers together in tandem with 10 models and each group -- shooters and models -- compete to have their work featured in the legendary men's magazine founded by Hugh Hefner. While perhaps many a young man has dreamed of shooting a nude centerfold for Playboy (shooting pictures, not the model), only few ever make the grade. Playboy editorial director Jimmy Jellinek said the magazine annually gets "thousands and thousands" of submissions from photographers, but it is the rare exception who gets picked. Stephen Wayda, a longtime Playboy photographer and judge on "Shootout," said he tried unsuccessfully for years before finally making it into the magazine's pages and onto a stellar career as a celebrity photographer. "People think it's all fun, sex and glamour. They don't realize when you're doing nudes there's a lot more to it (tehehehe, doing nudes). You see all the body. You see the wrinkles in the waist when (models) turn. You see how the body is built, and you have to make it look good," Wayda said. For "Shootout," Playboy gathered the photographers from around the United States and put them together in Los Angeles. The first episode had them assigned to take pictures of the models in a different area of a luxurious mansion, and they were given a time limit to devise a theme, set lighting, pick a costume and put the models through hair and makeup. A major feature is that the models are competing to be in the magazine, too, and because they are looking for the best pictures possible, they sometimes conflict with the shooters (mmm, catfights…). "I've gained confidence in myself after doing the show, and I realized that having (many) crew members around me didn't distract me," said photographer Eric LaCour. Kate Romero, one of two women among the photographers, said she believed being the same gender as the models helped her because she might be able to say things to calm their fears about posing naked in front of a large crew. "It is a guys' world, definitely," said Romero. "(but) I love that kind of challenge." Wayda said all the photographers came into the show with strong portfolios of past work, and for many the biggest problem was tailoring their own work to match Playboy's pages (no black & whites, no stills of trees & old signs, and none of that modern art crap). Under Hefner, the magazine' has always tried to feature models with a homespun, girl-next-door look (which we all appreciate). "Some came in and said, 'I want to do something completely different,'" Wayda said. "Well, that's great, so go open up your own magazine." The series, which ends on June 5, is produced by "America's Next Top Model" director Claudia Frank and hosted by "The Celebrity Apprentice 2" contender and Playboy Playmate Brande Roderick. A new episode airs every week on Saturdays as part of what Playboy is calling its "Date Night" lineup of shows. There, that’s my plug. Still wanna be a photographer for Playboy? Of course you do. So get the f**k out there & take pictures of your girlfriend…and if you need a second opinion, I’m happy to offer my services.

Fox Update – Superhottie Megan Fox and her sometime boyfriend actor Brian Austin Green are protesting California school budget cuts in a new video online. In a video posted Wednesday on the comic Web site, Fox urges viewers to "call, write and annoy the governor until he cries for his mommy." She says more than $17 billion has been cut from state educational programs over the past two years, and Green says the "terminators in Sacramento" plan to cut another $2.5 billion. State Superintendent of Public Instruction Jack O'Connell said last month that budget cuts have caused a 17% jump in the number of school districts facing financial uncertainty. Fox and Green's 3 1/2-minute video had been viewed more than 66,500 times by Wednesday afternoon…and of course, I saw it. It’s not really that funny (mostly because it’s true) but I say give it a shot. Absolutely worst-case, you get to look at Megan Fox for a few minutes…and I thought the guy referring to Arnie’s childhood was pretty hilarious. It’s something that I would do. I wonder if is hiring. Oh…and of course we have to talk about the issue…which is the funding of schools or lack thereof. How do we tackle this problem? Fill out our census cards? More taxes? Leave pools of blood at the steps of our state’s respective capital buildings? Okay, maybe not that extreme…yet. It is a major problem…and kudos to ravenous superhottie and the guy she convinced to help her out because she’s having sex with him (he’s got a kid too, I know) for taking the fight viral. Write your congressman, governor, representative, whatever. Call them. Camp out in front of their house. F**k their daughter (consensually of course). Do whatever you need to do to be heard. “The children of California need more funding for schools, Governor!!! No more funds going to campaigns!!!” “What areyudooing? Git out of my wife!!!” “She invited me in…and the people will be heard!!!” Sorry for that image…but my governor doesn’t have a daughter…so drastic measures had to be taken. Besides, who doesn’t want to be able to say that they banged a Kennedy? Be the Miracle.

On that note, I’ll wrap this up. Remember to say a little prayer for my mom & stepdad as they go to the other side of the planet to get their culture on…and have a few drinks. It’s okay though…because while they’re trying to find their way back to the boat by playing charades like a bad episode of the Amazing Race, I’ll be enjoying a voyage of my own…and yeah, I’ll probably be a little tipsy for most of it…but I’m also driving everywhere so I’ll be responsible too. At least until I get to Vegas or Utah where I’ll be chilling for a few days at a time. Can’t wait to see y’all. Have a great day everybody!!!

Where Should I Go Next?