Monday, April 5, 2010

Why the Eagles Did It

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was a big day. First & foremost, it was Bone Junior’s birthday, which gets precedence over Zombie Jesus Day or Easter or whatever you call it. Hopefully she had a great weekend despite…ugh, I don’t even want to talk about it quite yet. I haven’t had my coffee… in about twenty years. So let’s start with the rest of the weekend. Saturday, I went for a stroll along the Truckee River after the snow storm Friday…and it was gorgeous. Here are some pictures…

After that, I basically just stayed in, watched the Final Four, and saw a few movies. First was “Street Kings” starring Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Chris Evans, Hugh Laurie and a pretty good ensemble cast. It’s about a loose cannon cop (Reeves) whose wife’s recent death has caused his life to go a little crazy (mostly because of alcoholism & an itchy trigger finger) and then he finds himself in the middle of an investigation into the gruesome murder of a former partner (Terry Crews). In order to clear his name, he has to find out who murdered him & get revenge…but he may not like what he finds out. This movie was recommended to me by my roommate because we share a love for movies like “Seven”, “Boondock Saints”, “The Departed”, “The Usual Suspects”, “Serpico” and stuff like that…but a lot of cop dramas get too damn predictable, cheesy, clear cut good & bad, and are generally disappointing. This one wasn’t disappointing. Granted, there were a few parts that could’ve been better portrayed (but let’s face it, Keanu was the star) but all in all, a great little cop drama movie that I highly recommend.

The next movie was “Armored” starring Matt Dillon, Laurence Fishburne, Fred Ward, Skeet Ulrich, Jean Reno and Columbus Short. This movie is also directed by Nimrod Antal, who did “Vacancy” and is directing the “Predators” movie coming out in a few months…so I had to see his skills. The story is about a security guard (Short) who has fallen on some hard financial times with the death of his parents and taking his mischievous little brother under his wing. How is he going to make ends meet? Is he going to lose his brother to the system? Well, his security guard buddies have a plan…to steal an armored car shipment of $42 million and split it amongst themselves…and make it look like they got robbed. He’s hesitant at first…but then decides to go through with it. Well, right in the middle of it, he b**ches out…and now his friends aren’t going to go to jail for him or anybody. Now, this is where I pull out the spoiler alert…but let’s face it, you know how it’s going to turn out anyway. I mean…the movie was pretty good, there were some sweet armored car chases, craftiness, overall a great little action flick…but my beef isn’t with the director or the actors or anything…but the plot & movie in general. Okay, so basically as they’re stashing the money in an abandoned warehouse, a homeless guy sees them…and he gets killed because…well, I’m not going to jail for that guy, right? That’s when good guy flips and basically decides, we should just all go to jail for witnessing this homeless guy get killed, abort the plan to become rich and I’m going to lose my brother to the system because I’ll be involved in a robbery-homicide case for the rest of my life. Yeah, that’s where I lost my interest in him. Next, he locks himself in one of the armored cars and sets off an alarm that brings a nearby cop into the mix…and skip ahead to the ending where all of his friends are dead, the cop he brought into it is seriously injured (and probably would’ve realistically died), he blew up the $42 million cash & both armored cars, the homeless guy’s still dead, and basically the movie ends with him in the hospital near where the cop is…and he apparently tells his boss (Ward) the story…and he walks out and says, “There’s talk of a reward” and then walks off. REWARD FOR WHAT? For killing all of your friends (by the way, putting your boss in a tight spot for finding replacements), blowing up a shipment of $42 million (as opposed to just redistributing it), blowing up the expensive transport vehicles, and there’s no way that you’re going to be able to keep your brother (or your job) after being involved in this. Oh…and then the alternative was to take your cut of $7 million and live a life of luxury. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me…but I’m thinking that my friends would’ve much rather taken their chances with maybe getting caught and maybe going to jail…then to be killed…or maybe just get away with it. It’s happened before. Anyway, the movie was okay…but the whole moral thing of it was lost on me. Good for you, you allegedly did the right thing…or did you? Don’t expect a sequel.

Back to the weekend. Sunday morning, I woke up and made some Deviled Eggs, bacon, and pancakes for me and my roommate. Here’s something you might want to know. How do you make Deviled Eggs even better? How about put some crispy bacon on top? I know, right? I swear I had a new idea for my future restaurant where I dipped that in a deep fryer, cover it in chocolate, a little whipped cream and sprinkles…and it shall be named “Call 9-1-1” or something. Anyway, while cooking, I got the cutest voicemail from my niece Kairi saying, “Unko $teve, pick up the phone. Hey! Hey! Pick up the phone! $tevie, pick up the phone. Happy East-oh! Are you gonna come over after you take a shower?” Isn’t that just the sweetest thing ever? She’s used to me being there for all the holidays…but yeah, not this time. So I called her up and chatted (with Vinny too) and get this, when my mom came to visit a few weeks ago, she stashed an Easter basket in a closet…so I had a few treats from her. My family rocks! I can’t wait to see the kids again in a few weeks. Oh…and here are a few pictures…

The rest of the day was snowing outside so I stayed indoors, watched Starship Troopers (the greatest bad movie ever?) and Starship Troopers: Marauder on TV, worked out pretty much all day (didn’t want a heart attack based on my breakfast) and then while pretending I was practicing for the NFL Combine, I noticed a Special Update on the bottom of the screen. And Bone Junior, I’m sorry for making you go through this again…but it’s the best way to cope. Apparently, the Philadelphia Eagles traded Donovan McNabb, the 6-time Pro Bowl quarterback and lynchpin of the franchise for over a decade. It was bound to happen. Apparently the Eagles have a strict policy on making sure that they have no players over the age of 30 and no receivers over six feet tall. However, they traded him…to their bitter rivals the Washington Racists…so they’ll play each other TWICE this year…and every other year. Why? These are best reasons that I can come up with…

  1. Donovan McNabb has lung cancer and will be dead within six months, unlikely but possible. Or maybe he really is more injured than he lets on and the Eagles weren’t planning on resigning him next year and they figured they could get a few draft picks for him.

  2. Kevin Kolb is the 2nd coming of Joe Montana and he’s just been playing like he has to throw everybody off

  3. McNabb will sabotage the Redskins from the inside. Clinton Portis will come down with a sickness so bad even HE can’t get a thousand yards in Shanahan’s running game, passes will go the receivers’ knees since the quarterback’s not used to receivers so tall, and Albert Haynesworth will be even worse thanks to supplemental income from an anonymous donor.

  4. Jerry Jones has secretly purchased the Eagles

  5. The Eagles are clearing cap space in order to go after LeBron James next year

  6. The Eagles are going to draft Tim Tebow with the 37th pick for two reasons – Provide Michael Vick with somebody he can go to for advice (“I really want to do this…but I thought, what would Tebow do?” “Let us pray, Michael”) and have somebody even MORE holy than Santa Claus that Eagles fans can throw snowballs at in December.
  7. Coach Andy Reid is a Cylon

  8. The thought of going to the Oakland Raiders instead was just unbearable

  9. Maybe I’m just sentimental and overreacting, not seeing that this is a mutually beneficial trade for both franchises…and maybe the Eagles plan on resigned McNabb after next year or something.

  10. The Eagles have given up

Anyway, enough about all that. You probably don’t care anyway…or know that I’m talking about sports. Other than that, it was just a pretty standard weekend with some wonderful winter weather. Granted, I didn’t think it was that wonderful this morning when I had snow in my driveway up over my knees and had to chisel Gretchen out of a snow fort… but hey, it wasn’t that bad or a drive once I got out of the driveway as usual. So, here’s some more news…

Breast March - About two dozen women drew a crowd of onlookers when they shed their shirts and marched downtown in Maine's largest city to promote what they call equal-opportunity public toplessness. Organizer Ty MacDowell (ugh, a dude?) said the point of Saturday's march in Portland was that a topless woman out in public shouldn't attract any more attention than a man who walks around without a shirt (and yet they do, because they’re f**king gorgeous). The Portland Press Herald reports that by the end of the march, more than 500 people had amassed — a mix of marchers, young men snapping photos, oglers and people just out enjoying a sunny, warm day (I was a little worried when I heard this was in Maine). It's not illegal for a woman to be topless in public in Maine, and police said there were no incidents or arrests. So what’s the point? NOTHING!!! Women walking around topless for no reason whatsoever other than to say, “Hey, I can do this too, prudes!!!” I like it. I love it. I want some more of it. I want a Million Boob March on Washington. Let’s see if THAT makes the evening news across the globe. Also, who are these people that are discriminating against women that wander around topless? I could see a woman breastfeeding at church and just think how lucky I was to be in a man’s house that I’m so thankful for. I could see a woman hiking topless in the Sierra Nevadas here…and think nothing of it other than, “I hope she has suntan lotion on. Excuse me, Miss? Do you need a fresh coat?” When I’m watching National Geographic and see women bucky naked making dinner, I’m not thinking “Cover up for God’s sake”, it’s more like “Man, we should find a way to clean those off with clean drinkable water.” I’m extremely pro-breast. You’ve got to let the girls breath. And I’m pretty sure that every last man in the world is with me…and the vast majority of women too. So what’s the big deal? Sure, I don’t expect to be at a restaurant and see eggs sunny side up or anywhere else where a shirt is required for service…but outside, I don’t see why not. As far as ogling goes, don’t you ladies ogle a bit when you see a guy walking around on the beach? That’s what I thought. So yeah, I think this movement needs to spread all over the world. I have a dream (all the time) where men & women… can live together… and can walk together… hand in hand… free of the oppression of cotton & polyester fibers… free of the restrictions of undergarments… free from the scrutiny of a misinformed prudish minority… and then my friends, we shall ALL be free. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, free at last.

P.S. If you think that was in bad taste, you should’ve seen the version that was almost word for word with the MLK speech involving breasts “sweltering with the heat of oppression” of sports brassieres and a variation of “every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain and the crooked places will be laid straight…and the glory of God shall be revealed and all flesh see it together.” That might’ve been too much. Definitely too much to read. This is also why I’m proud to be an American…because not everybody in the world has NEARLY the liberal rights that I do.

Kissing Jail Update – Remember a few weeks ago when I told you about the couple who were arrested for kissing in public in the beautiful city of Dubai? Well, a Dubai appeals court on (Easter) Sunday upheld a one-month prison sentence for a British couple convicted of kissing in a restaurant. The pair landed in court after an Emirati woman complained about the public kiss, which the couple insisted was just a peck on the cheek. They were arrested in November and convicted of inappropriate behavior and illegal drinking (Were they 12? Damn dry countries). Cosmopolitan Dubai has the most relaxed social codes in the conservative Gulf, but authorities enforce strict decency laws and regularly crack down on people accused of pushing the limits, which can include everything from wearing a mini skirt to losing one's temper in traffic (Really? Road rage?). As recently as Sunday, though, a young Italian-Iranian couple could be seen kissing among the visitors to the 127th floor observation deck of the Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest skyscraper (pictured here). Last month an Indian couple was sentenced to three months in jail for exchanging steamy text messages (how the f**k did they know & why do they care?). In 2008, two Britons accused of having sex on the beach got three months in jail, though their sentences were later suspended (but the sexters stayed in jail for 3 months). Ayman Najafi and Charlotte Adams — both in their 20s — were arrested after an Emirati woman claimed they exchanged a passionate kiss in a restaurant where she and her daughter were having dinner. Najafi and Adams attended Sunday's hearing, but did not speak. Their lawyer, Khalaf al-Hosany, told the court in a previous hearing that they kissed on the cheek as a greeting and "never intended to break the law." Hell, I’d be surprised there WAS a law. Appeals court judge Iysar Fouad upheld the conviction, the jail time and a fine of 1,000 dirhams (about $270) each. They will be deported after serving their sentences. The couple has 30 days to appeal Sunday's ruling in a higher court. Their lawyer said Najafi and Adams were not in a relationship, but knew each other before they met in Dubai. Najafi worked for a marketing firm in Dubai and Adams was visiting the Muslim city-state with a Western outlook that has become famous for its beaches, ever-taller skyscrapers and anything-goes attitude. Yeah? How did that work out? Oh yeah, jail for kissing some guy you had dinner with. You know what? Maybe I don’t want to go see what all the fuss is about in the Middle East. I’ve thought about visiting Egypt, Dubai, Doha, even the Holiest of Holy lands Jerusalem…but that’s like saying I want to go to Detroit…but it’s a thousand degrees, everybody’s sexually repressed & frustrated, people even forget why they blow each other up & there’s no booze. You know what I think of whenever the government tries to put more restrictions of alcohol, tobacco & firearms? Look at places like Saudi Arabia. Is that what you want (without the ocean of oil)? That’s what happens when people can’t express their feelings. There, I’ve said it. Feel free to fire back.

Bank Robbing Update – Apparently I wasn’t the only one that thought the robbery last week in France was a great idea. Would-be robbers armed with a pneumatic drill dug a tunnel from a Paris subway station into the basement of a bank in the early hours of Sunday but failed to seize any cash or valuables, police said. The attempted robbery of BNP Paribas is the third time this year so-called "termite gangs" have tried to rob a bank by digging a tunnel into the building.
It is not known whether the three incidents are related. The gang dug into the bank's basement, possibly via the sewage system. They failed to enter the safety deposit room and nothing was taken, a BNP spokeswoman said. They aborted the attempt and started a fire to cover their tracks, which set off alarms and alerted police. Digging equipment, including a pneumatic drill, was found at the scene. "The individuals left the premises before they could reach the safety deposit room of the bank," Paris police headquarters said in a statement. Last weekend, a Credit Lyonnais branch in Paris was broken into by tunnel-digging robbers who cracked almost 200 private safes, according to police. A branch of Caisse d'Epargne in a Paris suburb was robbed at New Year in a similar fashion (while everybody was getting tipsy and singing “Auld Lang Syne”). French media have compared the cases to the "Spaggiari Affair," a heist masterminded by Albert Spaggiari more than 30 years ago in Nice. Then, a gang tunneled into the vault of a branch of Societe Generale during a public holiday, spent two days and two nights there and made off with about 24 million euros worth of cash and valuables. The heist spawned several books and movies. Is it the work of the same group…or copycats? You be the judge. I’m sure they’re discussing the moniker of the “Termite gangs” right now though. (By the way, this is in my horrible French accent) “What do they mean Termite Gang? We are professional robbers.” “What would you suggest our moniker be?” “How about…the Mole Men?” “Hey, I’m a woman. I distract the guards with These while you case the place.” “Mole people?” “That’s stupider than Termite Gang.” “Well what do you suggest, Pierre?” “The Worms of Provence.” “That’s the stupidest yet…and I don’t think any of us are from Provence.” “That’s why it’s perfect…and besides, I just like saying it. Provence… Provence…” “How about Tremors?” “Yes, like the Kevin Bacon movie. I like it.” “Hey, that’s just like my worms idea.” “Shut up!!! Your worms idea was f**king stupid. This also has the double meaning of earthquakes. There’s no stopping us. You can only sit back as we rock your world.” “That’s what she said.” “You leave Francesca out of this. Then it is settled. We will send a press release tonight declaring ourselves…the Tremors.” By the way, in French, Tremor is “secousse” pronounced se-kus…so it might still be cool. I don’t know, I’d have to hear Lilie pronounce it to know for sure.

Fox Update – There are a few things that everybody should know that $teve likes. Pandas, bacon, basketball, breasts (really any part of a woman’s body), the word “moist”, Elvis, Zepperella (coming back June 24th), bleu cheese, spooning, the sound of his name whether it’s whispered like a secret or squealed in Passion, and the like…but two major ones are Megan Fox & Redheads. Well, as you might’ve guessed, this entry has to do with those last two. Amid rumors that Rose McGowan is no longer interested in playing the part, the role of “Red Sonja" could end up being played by one of today's hottest stars, Megan Fox. Although Rose McGowan has previously confirmed that she is still attached to the project despite the production delay, new rumor has emerged, mentioning that the "Charmed" actress has dropped out of the project and the role has now been offered to the "Transformers" beauty. In March, Robert Rodriguez claimed "Red Sonja" was still put on halt because the company which owns the movie had "financing problems". However, an insider, The Hollywood Cog, tells Pajiba the truth behind the delay is that the previous incarnation of the "Red Sonja" remake has been scrapped and McGowan has been out. Moreover, it is said that director Douglas Aarniokoski has also left the project. However, the source insists "Red Sonja" is far from dead as Millineum Films is currently looking for a new writer. Fox has not been confirmed to take the lead role, but Pajiba claims the 23-year-old is far more appropriate to portray the "She-Devil with a Sword" character because the remake film will be about the origins of an innocent teenager who metamorphosizes into an unparalleled warrior (she dumps the guy from 90210 and hooks up with the mighty warrior, Dr Love). Megan Fox is set to reprise her role as Mikaela Banes in "Transformers 3" (working title is “T3: It Can’t Get Worse, Right?”) which is expected to start shooting this month. She recently was reported to have turned down an offer to replace Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft in upcoming "Tomb Raider 3" because she is afraid people will further talk about her likeness with the 34-year-old actress…so why would she seriously consider this if that were the case? So she could be compared to Bridgette Nielsen? Anyway, I’m sure it’s all stupid internet rumors…but that doesn’t make the pictures less appealing… mmm… Megan Fox as a redhead…

Big news!!! Bubbles has decided to take a job opportunity in San Francisco for a few months this summer…which means if either of us get bored on the weekends, we’re only a quick three hour drive from each other so I have a place to stay in San Fran & she’ll have a place to stay in Lake Tahoe. It should be a LOT of fun…and it’s also a great opportunity for her to work in a beautiful city while she considers her BIG move when this temporary position is up. I’m glad that she’s found something that works for her. Other than that, got about twelve days until my road trip starts…and I can’t wait. Have a great day everybody!!!


Bone Junior said...

11. The Eagles haven't made me cry enough.

Thanks for the birthday shout out!

$teve said...

Of course. It's like Elvis' birthday around these parts. :)

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