Friday, April 2, 2010

Salamanders & Marquis de Sade

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The weekend is officially here. Snow is flurrying about. So what does $teve have planned? The past few weekends have been painting the town red with my mom, a quick trip out to San Francisco and last week was…well, cleaning up the apartment & watching basketball mostly. So this weekend… I have no idea. It’s Easter Weekend, so I’ll be cooking up some tasty grub Sunday morning so the roommate & I can have simultaneous cardiac arrests due to the copious amounts of deviled eggs & bacon in our system…but as for tomorrow, I don’t know. Weather permitting, maybe go find a nice trail somewhere, go for a hike. Start finalizing plans for Road Trip 2010. Maybe sleep in, sit on my ass & do nothing…except work out or something. I get really antsy & can’t just sit or lie down for an entire day. It’s been proven. Just ask my former girlfriends, I’m insatiable. So we’ll see. May be pretty laid back, may be adventurous, may be boring as all hell…but one thing’s for sure, deviled eggs and bacon and…mmm, pancakes will be involved. Oooh…and steak & eggs. If you don’t hear from me soon, you’ll know why. And on that note, here’s the news…

Lucky Sevens - The Pennsylvania Lottery proved to be seventh heaven for thousands of lottery players this week. The lottery paid out a total of $7.77 million after the number 7-7-7-7 came up in the Big 4 drawing Wednesday. More than 3,100 tickets had the winning numbers. They won either $2,500 or $5,000, depending on whether the buyer wagered 50 cents or $1. That set of numbers has only been a winner twice since 1980. The last set of quadruple numbers to win was 2-2-2-2 in September 2008. How cool is that? What’re the odds? (One in a thousand) I know a few people who could use that $5,000 right about now. Yeah, that’s pretty much it though. The lottery’s probably not the best place to invest your money…but hey, it does pay out to a few lucky individuals.

Salamander Crossing - Future generations of salamanders in one Vermont town are going to be getting some help crossing the road. Yes, there are salamanders in Vermont. The Monkton Conservation Commission says it has won a $150,000 state grant to install one or two culverts under a stretch of road to protect salamanders, other amphibians, reptiles and small mammals crossing between a swampy area and the uplands. The Burlington Free Press says the project will be the first wildlife-crossing retrofit of a Vermont highway. Reptile expert Jim Andrews says the crossing is "one of the most important of the known amphibian crossings in the state." For the last nine years a group of Monkton residents has monitored the swamp-side road crossing, in some cases helping the creatures cross the road. Oh yeah, it’s THAT important. So they got a $150,000 grant to burrow a tunnel under a freeway that may or may not provide safe crossing for an amphibious cave-dwelling creature…and the town probably doesn’t even have a traffic light. Why when I ask my congressman for $50 to fill up my gas tank because “I said so” do they give me so much flack? Maybe if I asked for $500,000 to preserve the habitat of the Kwyjibo, the North American Land Ape, he or she would be a little more giving. I could even name the habitat after them if it’ll help with the paperwork. I’ll let you now how it goes. “Have you been conducting research of this creature?” “Sir, I’ve been living amongst them, learning their various forms of communication, mostly grunts & gestures, seeing the kinds of community that they form, and I just want to make sure that they have a safe haven when the bitter winters come in. For God’s sake, I’ve even wiped their asses. I’m dedicated to their preservation.” “I admire your passion. Let me write you a check, Mister…” “Cash, Doctor Cash…and I think you forgot a zero there.”

Monopoly of Snack Foods - Atlantic City police said a Frito-Lay delivery truck was stolen, abandoned and recovered, but not before some people helped themselves to "free" snacks. Police Sgt. Monica McMenamin (say that three times fast) said the truck was stolen at about 10:45 a.m. Thursday when the driver went inside a store on Baltic Avenue, four blocks west of the Boardwalk casinos, to make a delivery. When officers found the truck abandoned a short time later on nearby Maryland Avenue, people were running off carrying bags of chips. Police arrested several looters, but have not yet located the person who stole the truck. And yes, in case you were wondering, the streets in the game Monopoly are named after the streets in Atlantic City. It’s not just coincidence…and I’m pretty sure that’s why all the streets involved were mentioned…because you never read reports like in…say Utah where “the van was stolen on 4500 South near State Street and then found abandoned on Vine Lane” because nobody cares. However, if they know the truck was abandoned on a street with a hotel, BOOM!!! Pay me. See? Nothing like fun with board games & potato chips.

Fish-slapped!!! - Police said an impatient customer slapped a drive-thru worker at a New Jersey McDonald's because he was tired of waiting for his Filet-O-Fish sandwich. The man paid for the sandwich at the first window at the restaurant on Route 1 in South Brunswick early Sunday. Surveillance video obtained by WNBC-TV in New York shows the man climbed out the back window of a vehicle and into the pickup window. Police said the man told an employee he would be waiting for him, slapped him in the face and walked out of the store with the sandwich. I must see this video. What kind of an impatient douche climbs out of the back window of his buddy’s car, goes through the drive-thru window (which isn’t that large) and fish-slaps somebody over a Filet-O-Fish sandwich…or more specifically, a deep fried lump of something that smells like fish sandwich? I’m sorry that you’re drunk sir…but it still takes a full minute to microwave when it’s frozen and you show up at 3 AM after an all-night bender. “I’ll be waiting for you out in the parking lot.” “Good, because before the cops show up, I’m going to blind you with my special sauce, beat the f**k out of you & then fish-slap your girlfriend Snookie over there too. Don’t you know you’re not supposed to feed that thing after midnight?” Oh yeah, I pull out the 80’s movie references when I’m about to get into a fight…because right about the time, you see the confused look on their face because they were born in 1989, that’s when George McFly’s right hook comes flying in followed by a wicked crane kick. And forget a one-liner like “Yippee ki-yay, mother f**ker” or “You’re terminated” or something like that, I’m going with “Goonies never say die” or “I hate Tommy Lasorda” or some sh*t like that. Why? Because when his friends drive him home and he’s swearing up a storm, he’ll think to himself, “Did I just get f**ked up by somebody who quoted Fletch? Oh sh*t, I just got that Gremlins reference. Hahaha, yeah… she is f**king ugly.” Because the way I figure it, if you’re going to teach them a lesson, make ‘em laugh too.

Political Stuff – Okay, you know I don’t talk about politics much…but you’ll soon see, this has very little to do with politics. A scandal broke Monday, when conservative Web site The Daily Caller reviewed recent RNC filings with the Federal Elections Committee and discovered that the RNC had spent $1,946 on an edgy sexually themed Hollywood nightclub called Voyeur. The February expenditure documents also showed that the committee sprang for $17,000 in chartered plane fees and $12,000 in limousine expenses in February — and according to The Daily Caller, Steele had suggested that the committee bankroll a private jet for him. Why not, right? On Tuesday, the RNC announced that it had fired the staffer who’d put in the Voyeur expense (of course, take out the little guy) which was a reimbursement to a California donor named Erik Brown and that Brown was returning the Voyeur-related money to the RNC so that, in financial terms at least, it would be as though the whole thing had never happened (so there). A statement from RNC Chief of Staff Ken McKay on the dismissal of the staffer underlined that the bondage-club outing “was not an RNC-sanctioned event.” Instead, McKay explained, it took place at the behest of a group of prospective young donors — called the Young Eagles in RNC parlance — after a dinner at a pricey Hollywood restaurant. (Hotline OnCall reports that the dismissed staffer was Allison Meyers, the director of the under-45 Young Eagles donor initiative. Oh yes, it was a woman they fired because of this.) “At no time was Chairman Steele … or any other member of the senior staff aware of the purpose of this reimbursement or present at the after-hours non-official get-together,” McKay's statement said. (Even so, Brown remains a close friend of Steele, having alluded to outings with the RNC chairman in his Twitter feed, and RNC-related postings on his Facebook page. And an AP report notes that Brown has billed some $19,000 in business from the committee to his firm, Dynamic marketing, Inc., while donating several thousand in funds to the RNC.) Though RNC spokesman Doug Heye told Yahoo! News that McKay’s announcement “ends the story for us,” plenty of questions linger about Steele’s tenure at the RNC, and his ability to hang onto his post amid growing criticism of RNC expenditures. However, that’s not what’s important or why I’m bringing it up. It’s not that in a month they’ve spent my yearly wages on private jets & limousines just as billable expenses. Nor is it that their solution to being caught is just to give the money back to Mr. Brown and immediately fire a woman…though that is supremely dickish…though she probably didn’t follow the procedure to list it as an Other expense or a Restaurant expense if they served drinks there or something. No. That doesn’t really concern me or affect my life…because I know that a lot of politicians are corrupt dicks and I’ve adjusted accordingly. The main thing that I took away from this…is that there’s a sexy bondage themed nightclub that’s waiting for me in Hollywood when I go to visit in a few weeks. I’m sure Lilie would be overjoyed to go with me. “It’s a nightclub.” “Sounds great. Is there a dress code?” “Ugh… no? I think it’s provided for you. It’s a place where a lot of young up-and-comers in the political game go to unwind. Very low key. Great unique atmosphere from what I’m told.” “(Looks at me for a second) You’re taking me to a fetish club, aren’t you?” “No… it’s a themed nightclub.” “What’s the theme then?” “Sigh… bondage, painful pleasures and sadomasochism.” “So I should wear my leather outfit then?” “Absolutely…and the safe word is Salamander.” Don’t let the fact that she doesn’t drink lead you to believe that she wouldn’t have a freaky side. Anyway, she probably just read this whole thing…so it won’t be a surprise anymore. And Kyle, don’t worry. She’s safe. Salamander.

I guess that’ll do it for today. I’ll leave you with the image of me draped in skin-tight leather with a redhead and a Brazilian woman beating me mercilessly and calling me a maggot…as I charge it all to the RNC. The Final Four is this weekend…and I kinda want to see Butler win it all…just because. I mean…they’re the home team…and the underdog, right? Eh, we’ll see. Have a safe & wonderful Zombie Jesus Day everybody!!!

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