Thursday, April 1, 2010

Support Air Comet

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night was chilly. After the snow stopped, the skies cleared as they often do…but it was at night so that basically made it freeze over pretty good. It definitely was a snuggling night…but alas my snuggles went unsnugged. Sigh… oh well, the weekend’s almost here…and I could really use some extra sleep in the mornings. Oh and I’m going to be making Deviled Eggs, Bacon, and a few other things for Easter Brunch with the roommate. Apparently he had a very similar love/hate relationship with Deviled Eggs where he convinces himself that gorging on them once a year is okay…and when I told him that I know how to make them…and well…he just about crapped himself with excitement (either that or we may want to check the waste basket in the kitchen). So good times this Zombie Jesus Day. “What’s that you’re making there, $teve?” “Corned brain hash.” “What? Corned beef hash?” “Close, it’s corned brain hash…in honor of our Lord & Savior, Zombie Jesus, who came back from the dead on this day over two thousand years ago seeking revenge by eating the brains of those who tortured and crucified him for his message of Love & Forgiveness.” “(Silence) Are you f**king with me right now?” “What? No. That’s what I remember from church…and the Passion. Then again, I was really young and watched a lot of horror movies so…it might be a little off.” By the way, if you have to ask if I’m f**king with you right now, chances are that I am. Except with you. I’m always honest with you. See? This is my serious face. Here’s some news…

Basketball Camp – There’s a new movie that I have to see eventually. Malcolm D. Lee ("Soul Men," "Undercover Brother") is set to direct the sports comedy "Fantasy Basketball Camp" for Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment says Reuters. The story follows five guys who sign-up to the LeBron James Adult Basketball Camp in Las Vegas to live out their ultimate sports fantasy. They end up dragging superstar athlete James (who plays himself) into their own various life problems. Peter Steinfeld ("21" & "Analyze That") will pen a new draft of the original Babaloo Mandel and Lowell Ganz's script. No word yet on who will play the five guys who sign up…but the potential for this is pretty damn good. LeBron James can be funny. You’ve all seen the SNL skits and various commercials over the years…plus throw in the director of the timeless classic “Undercover Brother” and you’ve got a lot of potential. Hmm… Maybe they’re looking for a really tall white guy that combines Hollywood good looks with undeniable physical prowess & basketball talent. I’d better update my resume. Something like this may keep me from a life of crime.

Bank Robbing Update – There seems to be a LOT of these stories in the news and on my blog lately…as usually happens during times of economic depression. Bonnie & Clyde, John Dillinger, Babyface Nelson, Pretty Boy Floyd, all during the early days of the Great Depression. However, these days the robbers seem to be…a little less Tommy guns and three-piece suits…and more, “They took our jobs!” than those days. South Carolina authorities (you already know it’s going to be good when I mention South Carolina) said a fishing crook never had a chance to land the big one. Police told The Times and Democrat of Orangeburg a robber tried to steal money bags from a bank's night deposit drop box using fishing line and hooks. Authorities said employees at a First Citizen's Bank in Orangeburg found a fishing hook in a bag last Friday morning and at least two other hooks in the box. One hook still had a small piece of fishing line attached. The bank said it has security footage of the would-be angler (though they couldn’t see the face thanks to a ridiculous hat…but they’re trying to match up the flies on it with local purchases & local gaming authorities, I’m sure). Police said the crook's task was impossible because the night deposit boxes are set up with trap doors so that once bags are dropped in, they can't be taken out the same way. Then one might ask, why isn’t there a trap door near the boxes for when somebody tries to fish out the contents? That’d be cool…and completely unexpected. A master thief is at work drilling and trying to crack the combination of the latest deluxe industry safe, taking their time, perfecting the art, trying to manipulate the components within this iron (KAFLUNK!!!), the trap door in front of the safe open & they’re then sent falling about 15 feet to a padded isolation tank until the authorities arrive as the door closes above them. And yes, of course there will be gas that can be put into the room to “calm” them to avoid a shootout or something of that sort when the authorities arrive. However, that’s not the point. A man thought that robbing a bank was like a children’s carnival game…but he soon found out that like all carnival games, they’re rigged for you to lose. SHENANIGANS!!!

Thomas Jefferson Update – One of America’s most prestigious Founding Fathers is Thomas Jefferson. President, Patriot, Statesman, Author of the Declaration of Independence, Cultivator of Marijuana, Partaker & Enthusiast of Brown Sugar, he was many things…but now, another distinction may be bestowed upon him…that of Zombie Pothead. Police in Des Moines, Iowa said they know only two things for sure about a mysterious parcel that was delivered to a residence on University Avenue. One, that it weighed 53 pounds (or 24 kilos). And two, that it was addressed to none other…than former President Thomas Jefferson. Seventeen-year-old Tanor Jimmison (hmm, fairly easy to make a mistake with that name), who received delivery of the package Tuesday, says he believes it contained marijuana, but whatever was in it has disappeared (hmm, vanished in a cloud of smoke perhaps?). Jimmison lives in an apartment funded through Youth Homes of Mid-America. He and YHMA employee Tanya Cano say they opened the parcel and Jimmison poked one of the two plastic inside with a knife to reveal what appeared to be marijuana. The two say they started to leave to report their find, but an armed man met them at the front door and forced them at gunpoint to hand over the plastic containers. Now, let’s assume that what they’re saying is true (and that’s a mighty assumption). What does this mean? It means that Thomas Jefferson has pulled a Zombie Jesus…and not only that, but he has a craving for brains & sticky icky…and he has armed himself. Can you imagine it? Founding Father zombies with advanced weaponry and an additional touch of the reefer madness? How could we possibly win? The Secret Service would be on their side & forced to protect them. Once a President, always a President. My God, do you think TJ has the nuclear launch codes? “You set them FREE??? Jefferson MAD!!!” “Mister President, what are you doing? You’ll launch our arsenal on China.” “RAAAGH!!! Your silk dresses and paper umbrellas can’t save you now, China!!!” And yes, that last situation was based on the assumption that Thomas Jefferson has only recently risen from the grave, some 200 years after his death, and has yet to read a history book or discover the internet…yet knows about nuclear weapons & launch codes. I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a stretch…but like all my previous girlfriends, you’ll learn to love it.

Chexting – Also a few more text message related updates on this blog recently…and this one is about Chexting, which apparently is a mixture of cheating & text messages. Clever? Meh. Golf superstar Tiger Woods and TV celebrity Jesse James, who is married to Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, have seen their lives unravel amid revelations of cheating on their spouses, in part by arranging liaisons via text messages. Their affairs have spawned a new word in pop culture, chexting, and raised the question of whether it really is cheating on a spouse. The experts say, you bet it is. "It's lipstick on the cellular -- digital proof that becomes evidence you've been unfaithful," says Peter Dedman of Predicto Mobile, the largest paid mobile community in America. In today's digital age, where cell phones come equipped with their own typing keyboards separate from the number pads, texting has become more popular than e-mailing for some, and sending a text from a small phone can be done almost anywhere. It is instant gratification and contact, but for those who have a hard time staying faithful, texting has become medium to facilitate their cheating. Los Angeles family law attorney Stacy D. Phillips says she's seeing more and more divorce cases involving spouses being unfaithful through technology -- including Internet chat rooms, instant messages and texts (Really? More than in the 80’s or 90’s? How is that possible?). Part of the allure, she says, is that the "chext" is not finished when both parties stop sending messages. "The person can keep re-reading the texts throughout the day, getting titillated all over again," she said. Victoria Namkung, co-founded of the website -- where people submit their worst dating experiences -- says half of the website's submissions involve issues of betrayal through digital technology. She cites the story of a woman who was on her fourth date with a man who excused himself to use the restroom. Moments later, she received a text from the men’s room with a picture he had taken of himself in a compromising position. The woman was horrified, but no more than the man when he learned what happened. He apologized and just as she was about to accept his mea culpa (Really? She must’ve liked what she saw), he admitted: "I sent it to the wrong person in my address book!" The date soon ended (hmm, guess not that impressive). But if you send the right chext to the right person it is probably titillating, which keeps an affair going. "It's giving them a rush - it's exciting," said clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist Stella Resnick. "The fact that they are not telling anybody else and sneaking around on their partner adds to the excitement." Resnick likens this behavior to that of a teenager rebelling against their parent. "If you're married, going against your spouse is asserting your independence. That feels sexy. If you're under somebody else's control, breaking out of that gives a feeling of exhilaration and power." But don't be fooled into thinking you're safe. If you've sexted and chexted, you might soon be "exted" by your spouse (sigh…I wonder what’s next. Nexting?). Dedman said one of the first places a suspicious spouse may look for evidence of cheating is a cell phone contact list (that’s why I keep that b**ch in my pocket. You have to get my pants off before you even have a chance at it). And deleting a chext doesn't mean it is no longer stored in a phone's memory, said Michelle Jerson, who hosts a radio relationship show on New Jersey 101.5, so you know she knows her stuff. "There's software you can download to retrieve erased data," she said. What’s the moral of the story? Cheating has a new format. This is right up there with Ricky Martin coming out earlier this week. Of course it does. Is Chexting cheating? Is sending a picture of your goods to someone who isn’t your spouse cheating? Of course it’s a form of cheating. Remember when you had to do that kind of stuff through the post office? Was it cheating then? Of course it was. Is it cheating if you draw a picture of yourself in a compromising yet stimulating position on a cave wall cheating? I’m fairly certain half of the pictures found on walls by ancient civilizations that archeologists say are of Gods, are nothing more than embellished portraits of some guy trying to impress a ladyfriend. That’s right, I said it. Kokkapelli isn’t a fertility God, he was some guy with dreadlocks who thought he was Ron Jeremy, so he painted it on the cave wall. I learned all about it at the Museu d’Erotica in Barcelona. Anyway, I guess just be safe out there when you’re sending pictures of your privates to your misters & mistresses. Sigh… I still only get sent the accidental messages that were intended for girls named Stephanie. “AH DUDE!!! Not cool.”

The Friendly Skies – I’ve been saying for years that the airline industry is seriously flawed in many ways…and even suggested some GREAT IDEAS to fix some of those problems…but this story stimulated even more. Flight attendants owed up to nine months' wages by a grounded Spanish airline have posed nude for a calendar to draw attention to their plight (is that what you call it? Maybe it’s lost in translation), one of the cabin crew turned models said on Wednesday. The calendar, numerous excerpts of which appeared in the Spanish media, shows the Air Comet attendants, all female, posing provocatively in and outside airline cabins, and in one case on top of a jet turbine (I’m assuming straddling it, feeling the power between her thighs…and missing me). "We are just demanding our rights to receive what is ours, we each have eight or nine months of unpaid salaries," attendant Adriana Ricardo, who appears in the calendar, told Reuters. Air Comet, run by the embattled chairman of Spain's main employers' association CEOE, Gerardo Ferran, filed for administration in December after a British court impounded nine of its aircraft at the request of German bank HSH Nordbank. So to reiterate, Spanish. Stewardesses. Nude. Calendar. For a cause. And yes, that's a real picture from the calendar. My sweet Zombie Jesus, I want to show their plight to the entire world. These sexy accented goddesses deserve their just rewards. I say we help them raise the funds. Hell, I suggested that we all donate to Haiti…and they never made a viable product that could be posted on every dorm room in America or were screwed (the bad way) out of 8-9 months wages. Hmm, I wonder if "Landing Strip" is their cut of choice downstairs.

On that note, I think I’ll call it a day. Some recent developments in Bubbles’ job search…but now it’s decision time for her…and it’s not the easiest kind when it involves moving. The road trip is just around the corner. Just over two weeks until I start my Fantastic Voyage along the PCH. It’s going to be EPIC!!! Will I have special guest stars? You betcha. Will there be beautiful pictures of some of the finest places on Earth? Of course. Will there be tales of debauchery, indecency, adult themes and language, and God willing, sexual content? One can only hope. Patience, my loyal readers. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives…and we’re down to about a dozen before the vacation begins. EPIC, I tell thee. EPIC!!! Have a great day everybody!!! Oh…and April Fool’s or whatever…

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