Watch Out Pujols!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First things first (chronologically), I had the game of my life in softball Tuesday night. As usual, we spotted the other team a 15-0 lead after two innings (have no idea why that always happens) but then I stepped up to the plate (my usual position of 10th in the rotation) and brought in our first run…and after that it wasn’t too bad of a game. Basically, I went 4-for-4 including a double, 3 RBI, and 3 runs. On defense, as the catcher, I caught two pop flies (one off the backstop) and caught one runner at home. Basically, it was the softball game of my life, which isn’t saying much… but still. Not bad for a guy who hasn’t really played since 5th grade. I must be a natural athlete.

Well, about to head out for a date. We'll see how it goes. My mom & aunt arrive tomorrow… so it may be a few days until you hear from me. Don’t fret. I’ll have plenty of stories and pictures when I come back to the blogosphere. In the meantime, please enjoy these newsy nuggets…

Fox Update – Sorry, but you’re not the only one that’s a little disappointed that this isn’t about Megan Fox. Authorities in China's far west have bred and trained "an army" of silver foxes bought from a fur farm to fight a plague of rats threatening a huge expanse of grasslands, state media said on Wednesday. The Xinjiang government bought 20 foxes in 2004 and they have since increased to 284 (they must be clones…) and been released into the wild, the official Xinhua news agency said. "Foxes are excellent natural predators of the rodent. One fox can catch about 20 rats per day. There has been a decline in the rat population in several counties where the measure has been adopted," it quoted official Ni Yifei as saying. Rat numbers have exploded due to unusually dry conditions and threaten more than 5.5 million hectares of grasslands, the report said. In one of the areas where the foxes have been released, rat numbers have dropped 70%, it added. "The silver fox was chosen to be the rat fighter for its distinctive ability to run, hunt and live under the harsh living conditions on the prairie," Ni said. Silver foxes are more normally bred in Xinjiang for their rich fur, used to make clothing. Other parts of Xinjiang are using wolves, eagles and even chickens and ducks to control rat numbers, Xinhua said. "It is a green way to tackle the rat problem," added another official, Lin Jun. I just thought it was kind of cool that instead of being skinned for yet another fur for $teve’s night on the town (ladies love it), that they can clear out rat populations…and then be skinned. I’m sure the rats combined with sunshine give their coats a marvelous sheen. Also, reminds me of the time I told the dean of Shanghai Normal University that I planned on taking over the country with an army of pandas, tigers & monkeys. He didn't think it was funny. Guess you'd have to have been there. Sigh… at least this took my mind off Megan Fox getting married to Brian Austin Green…

Tombstone 85628 – Speaking of 90’s teenage drama stars whose appeal I just don’t understand, fellow "Beverly Hills 90210" stars Luke Perry and Jason Priestley are reuniting for the Hallmark TV movie western titled "Goodnight For Justice" reports Deadline. Perry (“8 Seconds” & “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) came up with the idea, will executive produce and will star in the project as a circuit judge on a quest to catch the outlaw who killed his family. Neal and Tippi Dobrofsky penned the script while Priestley (acted in “Tombstone” & “Calendar Girl”) will direct the project which begins shooting August 4th in Vancouver for airing sometime next year. I just mention it because it’s funny. I don’t anticipate that anybody will watch it.

Shue Update - My first crush Elisabeth Shue ("Karate Kid" & "Leaving Las Vegas") has joined the cast of the "Psycho"-esque thriller "House at the End of the Street" for FilmNation and A Bigger Boat says The Hollywood Reporter. The story follows a teenage girl (Jennifer Lawrence, "Winter's Bone" & Mystique in the upcoming "X-Men: First Class" movie) who moves to a new town and learns that a double murder took place in the house across the street. Things get complicated when she befriends the massacre's sole surviving son (Max Thieriot of "Kit Kittredge"). Shue will play the girl's mother (MILF!!!). David Loucka wrote the script from a story by Jonathan Mostow while Mark Tonderai ("Hush") is directing. Aaron Ryder, Peter Block, Tim Williams, Hal Lieberman and Jonathan Mostow will produce. Filming kicks off next month in Ottawa. Sigh... to be an actress over 40. You know I'm still going to watch this movie, right? It has Shue AND Jennifer Lawrence. Too bad it's probably a year or so down the line. Plenty of time to forget about it... but hey, we'll see. Glad to see Elisabeth can still get work though. I'm sure it'll be great.

Hottest First Lady Update - France's first lady, a former supermodel turned singer, is making her debut as an actress, filming Wednesday in the shadow of Notre Dame cathedral for Woody Allen's "Midnight in Paris." Carla Bruni-Sarkozy jotted in a notebook while seated next to actor Owen Wilson on a park bench. Allen gave instructions, while dozens of onlookers tried to get a glimpse of the action on the cordoned-off Jean XXIII Square. The French president showed up on a nearby set Tuesday, in dark suit but no tie, to watch his spouse in her latest creative venture. Allen, beloved by the French, recruited Bruni-Sarkozy last fall for a role in the romantic comedy which follows a family traveling in Paris for business. France's first lady reportedly plays a museum director. This week's scenes were shot in the heart of Paris, near the Pantheon, the resting place of many of France's luminaries, and on the Ile de la Cite, the island that hosts Notre Dame. In November, when she announced her plans to accept Allen's offer of a role, the 42-year-old Bruni-Sarkozy had said she was unsure of her acting skills. "I'm not at all an actress. Maybe I'll be absolutely terrible," she said in an interview with Canal Plus TV station. However, she said she couldn't pass up the chance to play in a Woody Allen film. "I'd like to — you know — when I'm a grandmother, to have done a Woody Allen film," said Bruni-Sarkozy, who has a son from a relationship before Sarkozy. "I cannot in my life miss an opportunity like this." Bruni-Sarkozy had a small role in the 1994 Robert Altman film "Pret-a-Porter" (Ready to Wear) and the 1998 move "Paparazzi," by Alain Berberian, each time playing herself. Her sister Valeria Bruni-Tedeschi is an actress and director. When Allen was once asked what famous person he would like to see act, the Dalai Lama or the queen of England, he replied: "Carla Bruni", according to the first lady's Web site. "She has charisma and she's used to appearing on stage. I could give her any role at all," the site quotes the director as saying. Bruni released a new album two years ago but refused to tour and gives royalties to the Foundation of France. It was not clear whether she was being paid for her Allen film role. The film also features Oscar-winning actress Marion Cotillard along with Rachel McAdams and Kathy Bates. Hmm, would I watch a Woody Allen movie that features the reuniting of "Wedding Crashers" stars McAdams & Wilson? Probably not... but hey, good for her. I hope that she is getting paid... and giving the proceeds to a worthy cause. That seems to be her way... and makes her even hotter. Rrrrrrrrrr...

Romantic Comedies & Fairy Tales - Romantic comedies might provide 90 minutes of light-hearted fun but the happy-ever-after movies are also impacting people's real love lives, according to an Australian survey. A poll of 1,000 Australians found almost half said rom-coms with their inevitable happy endings have ruined their view of an ideal relationship (and the other half are probably lying or in denial). One in four Australians said they were now expected to know what their partner was thinking (ESP? Really? Do you even WANT to know what I'm thinking?) while one in five respondents said it made their partners expect gifts and flowers 'just because'. "It seems our love of rom-coms is turning us into a nation of "happy-ever-after addicts." Yet the warm and fuzzy feeling they provide can adversely influence our view of real relationships," said Australian relationship counselor, Gabrielle Morrissey. "Real relationships take work and true love requires more than fireworks." The survey was released by Warner Home Video to mark the movie "Valentine's Day" going to DVD (shameless promotion). Personally, I have no problems with gifts & flowers "just because" but... I can't afford flowers everyday. Also, don't give me sh*t if I get caught picking the neighbors' flowers and wrapping it in a newspaper for you. "What the f**k is this?" "I got you flowers. Happy Wednesday!!!" "Miss Williams called and told me that she chased you out of her rose bushes. Why would you steal roses from her?" "Because they're your favorite." "WHAT? I won't be a part of this." "FINE!!! Then I guess you don't want any of the strawberries that Mister Jackson donated to our Love either?" Oh yes ladies... This guy would steal for you if he had to... at the very least. Not all of us get free stuff just for showing a little cleavage & a few bats of the eyelashes. What was my point? Oh yeah, romantic comedies are destroying the world. Don't you dare blame me as a movie goer either. I don't even go to romantic comedies on dates unless there's an OBSCENE amount of profanity, sex jokes and full frontal nudity. Go ahead. Look it up. Even though it's always ladies choice... I can usually influence the decision a wee bit. I've never really liked the messages in fairy tales. Even when I was a kid. The vast majority of them tell women to just sit there and do nothing... and everything will be taken care of for you. Some Prince Charming will wisk you away & live happily ever after "just because". Maybe. I wouldn't plan on it... but anything's possible. And you know why I love the Little Mermaid. Anyway, just a little food for thought... but wait, there's more when it comes to dating and your mind...

Sex & Brains - Sex apparently can help the brain grow (ladies...), according to new findings in rats. Sexually active rodents also seemed less anxious than virgins, Princeton scientists discovered (oh yes, Princeton scientists discovered that getting laid makes you less anxious. That's your government grant dollars at work, ladies & gentlemen). Past findings had shown that stressful, unpleasant events could stifle brain cell growth in adults. To see if pleasant albeit stressful experiences could have the opposite effect, researchers studied the effects of sex in rats. Scientists played matchmaker by giving adult male rats access to sexually receptive females (mmm... dirty girls) either once daily for two weeks or just once in two weeks. They also measured blood levels of stress hormones known as glucocorticoids, which researchers suspected might lie behind the detrimental effects that unpleasant experiences have on the brain. When compared with male virgins, both groups of sexually active rats had cell proliferation, or an increase in the number of neurons, in the hippocampus, a part of the brain linked with memory whose cells are especially sensitive to unpleasant experiences. The rats that had more sex also had adult brain cells grow, as well as a rise in the number of connections between brain cells. However, the rodents that only saw females once in two weeks had elevated levels of stress hormones, while the rats that had regular access showed no increase in the hormones. Sexually experienced rodents also proved less anxious than virgins, in that they were quicker to chomp down on food in unfamiliar environs (but... that's kind of like, not thinking things through first, right? It could be a trap?). These findings suggest that while stress hormones can be detrimental to the brain, these effects can be overridden if whatever experiences triggered them were pleasant (and boom goes the dynamite). The scientists detailed their findings online July 14 in the journal PLoS ONE. So there you go. Incredible sex can positively influence your memory. I know some of my greatest memories are directly linked to it... but can it help me learn Mandarin? Hmm... I wonder if I can get a government grant to study that... and I'm sure I can find a few willing interns to be test rats. Heck, I may have to just to make sure the study is effective. Hmm... I may find my way into the science books yet. I've always wanted to be an answer in a multiple choice question on an AP test.

24. Which legendary scientist is credited with linking sexual activity to brain cell growth & telekinetic pleasure powers, as well as regarded as "The Father of Panda Porn"?

A. Albert Einstein
B. Stephen Hawking
C. George Washington Carver
D. Dr. Mookie Love

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight. I'll let you know how the date goes and when/if I ever get into the history books. Hopefully it's not posthumous or something. Though I'd like for my legacy to live in, I'd like to take advantage of the financial rewards during my own lifetime. Seriously, if the guy who did "Girls Gone Wild" can be a f**king self-made millionaire, why not me? And you know that I'm willing to share the wealth. In the meantime, have a great day everybody!!!

NOT the Whiteman's B**ch

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Softball game in about an hour… if we get enough people to show this week. Date tomorrow night which may include sushi… always a good thing. Got a good feeling about this one… but then again, I usually do. Thursday, my mom & aunt are coming to visit and we’re ready to party something hardy. Or is it hearty? I’ve never really understood that expression… so I’ll change it to we’re ready to party our asses off. There should be a lot of adventures, scenic vistas, adult beverages, and of course… Love. Cheesy enough for ya? Let’s see, what else is going on. Haven’t heard from the new roommate in a few days. I hope everything’s okay (and this is why the ad is still upon craigslist). Not really worried because there have been a few more applicants that I’ve “delayed response” to just in case… but he’s probably just a busy guy. So yeah, that’s really about it. Excited for the Halloween trip to New Orleans… but that’s three months away. Can’t believe it’s already been three months since my 29th birthday in the midst of my Road Trip. Time flies when you’re overworked and enjoying the beautiful summer weather. Heck, really can’t believe it’s already been 3 weeks since 4th of July. That feels like just last week or something. Oh well, must be a sign that I’m getting old. Another sign, I’m reading the news a lot to find nuggets like these…

Penguin Genocide? – It’s kind of a bummer story… but if I start with it, then it can only get better, right? Besides, it gives me an excuse to put up penguin pictures. Hundreds of penguins that apparently starved to death are washing up on the beaches of Brazil, worrying scientists who are still investigating what's causing them to die. About 500 of the black-and-white birds have been found just in the last 10 days on Peruibe, Praia Grande and Itanhaem beaches in Sao Paulo state, said Thiago do Nascimento, a biologist at the Peruibe Aquarium. Most were Magellan penguins migrating north from Argentina, Chile and the Falkland Islands in search of food in warmer waters. Many are not finding it: Autopsies done on several birds revealed their stomachs were entirely empty — indicating they likely starved to death. Scientists are investigating whether strong currents and colder-than-normal waters have hurt populations of the species that make up the penguins' diet, or whether human activity may be playing a role. "Overfishing may have made the fish and squid scarcer," Nascimento said. He also said it's common for penguins to swim north this time of year. Inevitably, some get lost along the way or die from hunger or exhaustion, and end up on the Brazilian coast far from home… but not in such numbers. Nascimento said about 100 to 150 live penguins show up on the beach in an average year, and only 10 or so are dead. "What worries us this year," he said, "is the absurdly high number of penguins that have appeared dead in a short period of time." Tragic I know. Maybe it’s famine on the high seas. Maybe it’s getting lost because of poor directions from a sea turtle. Then again, maybe it was just the dream of seeing the beaches of Brazil after being stuck in the frozen south… and then it just went horribly wrong when they realize that they’re bodies simply aren’t meant for the heat of Brazil. Then again, maybe it’s something more twisted like seals taking back their territory from the penguins, who’ve been poaching their fish for years. So they sent a message to the rest of them, stay off our turf… or else you’ll be sleeping with the fishes, see? Anyway, I hope the scientists figure out the causes.

Zedonk-e-donk – I told you it’d get better. Here’s a heartwarming story of Love beyond interspecies erotica and the bastard offspring that they produce. A zedonk, an unusual cross between a donkey and a zebra, is attracting attention at the Chestatee Wildlife Preserve in Dahlonega, Georgia after being born there about a week ago. The animal, which has a zebra father and donkey mother, has black stripes prominently displayed on her legs and face. C.W. Wathen, the preserve's founder and general manager, said the foal has a zebra's instincts (not sure what that means… but probably that it isn’t stubborn). Wathen said she sits up instead of lying on her side, as if she's staying alert for predators. Oh, okay. That’s what they meant. Donkeys and zebras don't usually mate (usually because they aren’t into long distance relationships like from here to Africa) but zedonks turn up occasionally. Wathen said that in about two weeks, the zedonk will begin roaming the property with the rest of the animals. You know me, I’m all about mixing up the species and turning the world into a melting pot of Darwinism at its finest and/or funniest. Whether it’s Zedonks, Ligers, Elephinos or Nature’s Gangbang – the Platypus.

Tiger Update – Another thing that I hope for in future species are pygmy exotic pets. You know, like pygmy elephants, giraffes, lions, tigers, bears, oh my… that’d be awesome. Why would that be awesome? For one, you wouldn’t have to worry about feeding full size animals… or situations like this. Police are warning residents of a South African neighborhood against approaching a 17-month-old Bengal tiger that escaped from its owners. Police say the tiger named Panjo broke open the canopy of a truck carrying it and jumped free early Tuesday in the Delmas district, 40 miles southeast of Johannesburg. Panjo's owner Rose Farreira told local media Panjo was tame but warned that Panjo may attack unfamiliar people (aka untamed). She says the tiger could turn aggressive if it had been hurt in its escape (or remembers that it’s a tiger & not a kitty). Panjo remained on the run Tuesday evening. A helicopter was deployed after one report of a sighting later Tuesday but as dusk fell Panjo, hand-reared from a cub, had not been found. Tigers are not native to South Africa… but the real news of this story… is that they can be your pet. Yeah, Africa’s an awesome place. You can have pets like tigers, rhinos, all that… but I wonder if their zoos have animals that are pretty standard for us. You know like the big famous staples like bears, buffalo, deer… but then also more exotic and unusual creatures like the opossum, squirrels, beavers & pigeons or something. I’m curious. Anyway, keep an eye out for stray tigers when you’re in South Africa (Jen).

Auction Superfind – Have you ever found something REALLY awesome at a yard sale or an auction or eBay? Not just something that you think is cool and really holds the room together… but something like… I don’t know, a Babe Ruth rookie card among a box of them that some widow was selling off? Or an antique candy tray that ended being worth a bundle on Antique Roadshow? Well, a Cherokee County man found a hidden treasure in a painting he bought at an auction: four pounds of marijuana. Gordon Clement, 80, discovered the pot stashed inside of the painting, which he bought at a post office auction about five years ago. He found the drugs last weekend when he tried to sell the artwork at another auction (pay it forward). Clement planned to ask $25 for the piece. Police said the marijuana was worth about $4,800 (or $75 an ounce by that math). Alarmed, he called his lawyer and turned the painting over to authorities (too bad there was originally 5 pounds of it… but your secret’s safe with me, Mr. Clement). So don’t be afraid to check out local auctions and yard / garage / estate sales. You never know what you may find, especially in artwork. I mean… why do you think Bob Ross is always so f**king awesome & happy? Must be the positive lifestyle… THC positive.

Politics Update - A legislative candidate from Wisconsin can't use a profane, racially charged phrase to describe herself on the ballot, an election oversight board decided Wednesday. Ieshuh Griffin, an independent running for a downtown Milwaukee seat in the state Assembly, wants to use the phrase, "NOT the 'whiteman's b**ch.'" But the state's Government Accountability Board voted to bar that wording, agreeing with a staff recommendation that it is pejorative (having a disparaging, derogatory or belittling effect) and therefore not allowed. State law allows independent candidates to have five words describing themselves placed after their names on the ballot as long as it's not pejorative, profane, discriminatory or includes an obscene word or phrase (so to recap, the ruling was that it was pejorative… and not that b**ch is an obscene word). Griffin, who is black (and apparently NOT the whiteman’s b**ch), argued her case to the five white, retired judges on the board that regulates elections. She said the phrase was protected by free speech (of course). "It's a freedom of expression. It's not racial. It's not a slur." She convinced three of the judges that the wording should be allowed, but two said it should not. One judge was absent, and Griffin needed four votes to succeed. Griffin said she intends to seek an injunction in federal court. Board member Thomas Cane, a retired state appeals court judge, said he didn't find the wording to be "particularly offensive." Fellow board member Thomas Barland, who spent 33 years as a circuit court judge in Eau Claire, agreed. "She says a lot in five words. It wasn't pornographic, it wasn't obscene and I didn't interpret it as racial." Judge Gordon Myse, the board chairman, cast the third vote in favor of Griffin. "Isn't she saying, 'I'm not under the white man's direction? I'm independent of that.' Isn't that what she's saying?" Myse said in a complete state of confusion, not sarcasm (“I thought we were in America. Isn’t this America? Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were in America…”). Roxanne Dunlap, a white woman from Sussex, felt compelled to speak up in the middle of the meeting, saying she was offended by the statement. She said if a white candidate wanted to have the statement "not the black man's b**ch" put on the ballot, it would be soundly rejected…and she’s absolutely correct. I tried. Griffin said her statement wasn't directed at any one individual but the government as a whole. The b-word was referring to a female dog that rolls over, she said. "I'm not making a derogatory statement to a group of people or an ethnic group," she told the board. "I'm saying what I am not. Everyone I spoke with, elderly and young, understand my point of view." The phrase was included on nomination papers Griffin circulated to get the 200 signatures needed to be on the Nov. 2 ballot. Griffin, who described herself as a "30ish" community activist, will still appear as an independent candidate. The Assembly district she hopes to represent covers the east side of Milwaukee and parts of Glendale. It's currently represented by Democrat Annette Polly Williams, who is retiring. Three Democrats and Griffin are seeking to replace her… and Milwaukee is the only major American city to have elected three socialist mayors (thank you Alice Cooper, we’re not worthy). So what do you think? Should they have allowed her to describe herself as “NOT the whiteman’s b**ch”? How would you describe yourself on a ballot in five words or less? Here’s just a few of my favorites… but I’m sure that you can top them.

• Dr Mookie Love - Daaaaamn right


• Pronounced with an –umpty


• Ask your mama about him


• He’s got what plants crave


• With special guest Angelina Jolie


• It’s all good baby BABY


• Comes in five different flavors


• Winner - As foretold in the Prophecy
  
  

Well, that’ll do it for today. Better get ready for softball here in a few. Wish me luck on my date tomorrow. Hopefully it goes over extremely well… but I wouldn’t hold my breath for the streak to be over quite yet. At the very least, I get some great sushi and pleasant company on the shores of Lake Tahoe. You really can’t hate on that. Have a great night everybody!!!

Snatch - It's About Robbin'

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday morning, I was wondering what I was going to do with this lovely weekend. See, I wanted to be a little on the frugal side because of this coming weekend with my mom… so no last minute trip to San Fran or anything (besides, Bubbles already had company for her birthday… and I’m always 3 hours away). So I thought, “Maybe I should call my stepsister and see what her family’s up to. Maybe they’re bored too… and it is Pioneer Day over in Utah, so we should be celebrating… something… right?” Whatever you’ve got to tell yourself, $teve. Well, not minutes after I had the passing thought, did my stepsister call me & invite me to my nephew’s 10th birthday party… and the best part… it was at Wild Island, which is a water park in Sparks apparently. “Yeah, I was just going to call you guys. That’d be awesome.” So yeah, we met up at Scheels first because the kids wanted to ride the FERRIS WHEEL while the parents wanted to check out guns & mountain bikes. You can guess which one Uncle $teve wanted to do. Here are the pictures…

After Scheels, we went across the highway to Wild Island. It was a pretty cool water park… and because it was 103 degrees and a Saturday, the place was PACKED!!! We still had a LOT of fun though with the different slides and of course just being silly in general. After a few hours, clouds started to move in… and then it because a lightning storm… and then a sandstorm, so we basically had to abandon after about 3 hours, but still, good times. Sorry, no pictures of me and my hard, chiseled, bronze body for this part. I had to leave the camera in a locker (not waterproof) but hey, that’s why you should come along next time.

That night, I decided that since it was basically a full moon, I would watch “The Wolfman” starring Benecio Del Toro, Sir Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weaving. Basically it’s supposed to be a retelling of the Lon Chaney classic Wolfman movie. An actor from London (Del Toro) must return home upon news of his brother’s disappearance. He returns to find his brother has been found… and torn up by what appears to be some kind of a savage beast. Well, he moves back into the family estate until he finds the killer with his father (Hopkins) and now widowed former sister-in-law (Emily Blunt). Well, blah blah blah, he gets bit, becomes a werewolf, Scotland Yard sends in a man (Weaving) to investigate, family “secrets” are revealed, long story short, I didn’t care for this movie at all. It was dull, boring, incredibly predictable, even poor CGI, and believe me… I’m willing to take the leap with believing the whole system of lycanthropy and whatnot… but yeah, this movie was just… pointless really. I say pass if at all possible. Plenty of other werewolf movies out there… and I can’t wait for “Jack & Diane” to this one out of my mind. Here’s the news…

Bank Robbery Monthly: Darkside - Times must be tough back at the Empire after having to rebuild all those Death Stars. A bank robber dressed as "Star Wars" villain Darth Vader made off with an undetermined amount of cash after pointing a handgun at startled tellers inside a Chase bank branch on Long Island. Detectives say the stickup man walked into the bank shortly before noon Thursday wearing a full head mask and a blue cape. The only part of the uniform that was out of place were his camouflage pants. And that handgun — no light saber. Suffolk County police Detective Sgt. William Lamb told reporters at least one customer at the time didn't think the theft was legit. The customer, whose identity was not released, can be seen cowering on the floor in a surveillance camera photo, moments after the holdup man shoved him away. "The customer thought it might have been a joke and not a serious attempt at a robbery," Lamb told the Daily News. The only other description of the suspect was his height: between 6 feet and 6-foot-2. He was last seen running across a parking lot. "I thought it was pretty comical, but I guess this guy was pretty serious about needing some money," Michael Aloisio, who works at a nearby restaurant and saw the bandit run past, told the New York Post. "I think we need more police and more security here," said Louie Lin, 24, who works at a Chinese restaurant in the shopping center where the bank is located and saw the robber. "People need money so bad nowadays ... maybe next time they will come here and steal from us too." Heather Apolo, 36, a Chase customer from Port Jefferson Station, said she was surprised the bank had been targeted. "It really is a good area. They'll probably beef up security and make sure something like this doesn't happen again." Mike Fusco, a Chase spokesman, declined to comment other than to say bank officials were cooperating with the investigation. My grade for this robber – C. I like the whole Darth Vader thing. Definitely would’ve been intimidating because Episodes II & III but still an ominous image. Blue cape? Eh, obviously times are rough & you’ve got to go with what you’ve got. That IS why he’s robbing the bank. Now if the gun were made to look like Han Solo’s blaster or something, definite A- at least… or if there was some sort of Force Chokehold involved… but yeah, a C isn’t too bad of a grade for a nerd in need of some dough. Also, 6’2” is right around the good height to be physically intimidating… but more than 1% of the population can be in the lineup. Anyway, I’m not condoning bank robbing, just to be clear… just judging the methods. The holdup was the 15th in Suffolk County this year; 30 bank heists were reported in 2009. The robbery comes about a week after a so-called bouquet bandit held up a Manhattan bank. Authorities say Edward Pemberton used a flower bouquet to conceal a note demanding cash during a $440 bank heist July 15. They say he used a potted plant as a similar prop in a holdup at another bank earlier this month. There also have been numerous reports around the country of men dressing as women, wigs, sunglasses and all, holding up banks. A New Hampshire man robbed a bank in 2007 wearing tree branches and leaves (damn, hippie thieves now?). Oh wait… it gets better…

BRM: Clowns - Authorities said a Pittsburgh-area man robbed a bank wearing a woman's blond wig, fake breasts under a sweater and clown pants. Swissvale police said 48-year-old Dennis Hawkins of North Braddock was sitting in a parked car covered in red dye from an exploding packet in a bag of money when he was arrested Saturday. Police Chief Greg Geppert said Hawkins robbed the bank at gunpoint, using a toy BB gun he had shoplifted from a store. Geppert said Hawkins then entered a woman's car. She got out, took her keys and alerted police. Hawkins was found sitting in the car. He is being held on $230,000 bail. It's not clear whether he has an attorney. Obviously this robbery was an F in every single facet other than nobody got hurt, which is like signing your name correctly at the top of the test. If you get that wrong, it’s an automatic zero. Okay, step by step. Weapon – Stolen BB gun. It may look real, so I can’t completely rag on it… but if it’s one of those plastic transparent things from Wal-Mart, I’m holding back laughter if I’m stuck up with one of those. The Outfit – Big-breasted blonde lady clown. Too bad the 5 o’clock shadow probably gives it all away. Perhaps thought of in case an insanity plea was needed later on. I’m trying to give this guy the benefit of a doubt. The Getaway – Jack a lady in the parking lot… but she takes the keys & calls the cops… while you check the money & get blasted in the face with a dye pack. Here’s how it goes down… and keep in mind that the carjackee will be in a completely state of confusion because this is all going down with a giant he-she clown. “GET OUT OF THE CAR!!! KEYS!!! Thank you, here’s a little something for a new car.” Drive off. Moments later, when she is no longer stunned from being carjacked by a clown, she glanced down at her stack of hundreds… and it explodes all over her. Heck, if she’s a blonde with big breasts, you may have a patsy. Anyway, terrible robbery all around… and he’s in jail now. Might be worth it though. At least he won’t have to worry where his next meal is coming from. Just if somebody’s going to make him eat a meat sandwich for dessert. Stay in school, kids.

BRM: Undies – So I’m thinking of renaming my new magazine from “Bank Robbing Monthly” to simply “Snatch” to cover all forms of thievery. However, I’m also afraid that there’s more than likely another kind of magazine out there with that title… and is probably handed upon purchase in a brown paper slip. Anyway, this doesn’t even really have to do with banks… but I had to share. An unemployed woman who said she was desperate for money has been arrested on charges she robbed an Oklahoma McDonald's with a white stretch girdle wrapped around her face as a makeshift mask (probably recently used in an Oklahoma heat wave too). Authorities said 51-year-old Sharon Lain of Midwest City admitted to being the underwear-masked bandit who made off with the contents of a cash drawer from the fast-food restaurant around 3 a.m. Tuesday. A surveillance video captured the woman on tape and was broadcast on local television, prompting several tips (“I recognize those undies anywhere!”) that led police to a condemned home on Wednesday night where Lain was found living, said Midwest City Police Chief Brandon Clabes. Police found the underwear - a white stretch girdle known as 'spanx' (no joke) along with illegal drugs, including methamphetamine (gasp of surprise). "She admitted to her role in the burglary," said Clabes. "And we found the clothes she wore. This was a really bizarre disguise. I wasn't sure what spanx was. I've never seen a woman with one on; now I've seen one on someone's face." Police said Lain was a former night shift manager at McDonald's but was fired about a month ago. Lain told investigators she needed money and suffered from a gambling problem (and don’t forget the meth). She is being charged with second-degree burglary, possession of a controlled dangerous substance, possession of paraphernalia and illegal trespass. So yeah, she doesn’t qualify for a grade because it was a McDonald’s but it’s probably for the better because it was a place that she worked at (unless there was another inside man), she has the drug problem, I admire the spirit with the make-shift disguise but… seriously, putting your undies on your head? I can totally see McDonald’s just giving the cash drawer and being like “See ya when you’re hungry” and getting it right back within a month.

Just Plane Robbin’ Folks – Yes, it’s a bad pun. You should be used to them by now. French police have arrested an Air France stewardess (not pictured) on suspicion of stealing thousands of euros in cash, cards and jewelry as passengers slept on long haul flights, a newspaper reported on Tuesday. Police investigating thefts over several months on flights between France and the Far East picked up the 47-year old attendant identified as Lucie R. after she landed from Tokyo on Friday, Le Figaro said. "Her bank accounts showed an absurd gap between her lifestyle and her declared income," the newspaper quoted a police investigator as saying. Police launched an investigation in January after about 4,000 euros' ($5,170) was stolen from five passengers. The robber took advantage of sleeping passengers, taking euros, yen, and Swiss francs as well as watches, jewels, credit cards and even checkbooks. According to the newspaper, the woman, who worked mainly in business class, began her spree in March 2009 to ease financial problems and has confessed to 26 thefts (so obviously done a LOT more). Since January, there have been about 140 thefts, the newspaper said (see?). "The Japanese were ideal prey because they travel with lots of cash -- euros and yen -- instead of paying with credit cards," a police source said. Police found travelers' checks, blank checks and bank card numbers at her home. Just goes to show that you can never trust the French, especially at 35,000 feet.

Crappy Gig – American rock band Kings of Leon (great band, by the way) said they were forced to abandon a concert in St. Louis at the weekend after three songs because pigeons kept pooping on them from the rafters. The band left the stage at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater on Friday after bass player Jared Followill was hit in the face by one dropping. "Jared was hit several times during the first two songs. On the third song, when he was hit in the cheek and some of it landed near his mouth, they couldn't deal any longer," the Nashville band's publicist, Any Mendelsohn, said in a statement. "It's not only disgusting - it's a toxic hazard. They really tried to hang in there." Drummer Nathan Followill apologized on Twitter to fans of the Grammy-winning band which is made up of three Followill brothers and their cousin Matthew who plays lead guitar. "So sorry St Louis. We had to bail, pigeons s****ing in Jared's mouth and it was too unsanitary to continue. Don't take it out on Jared ... Sorry for all who (traveled) many miles. "The band was to continue its U.S. tour in Cleveland, Ohio, on Monday to promote its fourth album "Only By The Night" before heading to Canada and Britain. The country duo Sugarland was scheduled to play the venue on Sunday night. Now I want to go home and listen to their album… but yeah, it was literally raining sh*t on them as they played. It just goes to show how “rock bands” nowadays handle these kind of things. Just think, what would Ozzy have done? Oh yeah, he would’ve bit the heads off a few pigeons… placed their heads on a few drumstick spits… and then yelled, “Let that be a lesson to the rest of you f**king winged rats!!!” Then Oswald’s cousin Louis steps in to keep the peace and lead the pigeons off to a different perch to watch the concert. Apparently watching over others is in their genetic code.

Lettuce Help the World – Okay, last pun of the day I swear. An animal rights activist has caused a stir in Jordan's capital by covering herself in lettuce in a quirky attempt to persuade Middle Eastern meat lovers to go vegetarian (good luck changing anything over there). Crowds quickly gathered to gawk at the lettuce lady, but police were not amused. Officers briefly arrested the Jordanian activist, Amina Tarek, and a colleague from PETA (of course, I KNEW they would be involved with this story… but I didn’t think they allowed them into that region). The pair stood in a square along one of Amman's trendiest streets and held a placard reading "Let vegetarianism grow on you." Tarek says she wanted Jordanians "to turn over a new leaf." Police held them for three hours, saying they had not obtained permission for Sunday's protest. The activists say they had approval. The police responded with “Yeah? Well I burned it, so you’ll agree with whatever I f**king tell you. You’re in Jordan now, hippie scum.” Okay, that last sentence was made up… but seriously, you could see that, right? Yeah, once again, I mention this more for the picture than anything else. Do I think the world needs to go vegetarian? Of course not. I love meat. I think it’s part of a healthy diet. Has been since the times of the caveman. Do I think they should’ve been arrested? Hey, if you don’t have permission to protest, the law steps in. Be happy that you have the right to request permission to protest. Wait, that does sound a little weird now that I think about it. Permission… to protest? “Sure you can get on your soap box or speak out about some injustice… but make sure you fill out the proper paperwork no less than 7 days in advance so that we can anticipate the kind of adverse effect this will have on traffic & parking through that region.” Yeah, kind of silly to get permission to go against the status quo but hey… it’s Jordan, right? It’s not like there’s stuff like that here in the States (unless you look).

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hopefully you enjoyed these tales of snatching… and if not, tomorrow might be different. Maybe there’s more hot chicks. I know you love those stories. Tomorrow’s softball (unless we forfeit again), Wednesday’s a date (oh yeah, can’t wait to see how this one goes), and then Thursday my mom & aunt come to town for the weekend which should be epic. Still plenty of time to take a road trip out here to join us. We’ve got a LOT of activities planned… and even more that we’ll stumble upon along the way. Have a great day everybody!!!

Krewe of Boo

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So… pretty big news yesterday. First off, I have a roommate again. A gentleman came over to check out the apartment… and of course, it’s a great deal for this part of town & a bachelor pad & I’m pretty f**king awesome… so yeah, I took him to meet the landlord and start the process. He’ll be moving in at the start of August (right around the time my mom & aunt will be visiting). He seems like a cool cat. Been in the area a few years, his buddy who he lived with is moving out to Tahoe Donner area and that’s just too much of a hassle for him when winter rolls in, Bills fan (so we both despise T.O.) from Lake Placid originally, contractor by trade, appears pretty easy going. Hopefully it works out pretty well. We shall see. So yeah, guess I’d better take down the Craigslist posting. Or maybe I’ll wait until the first check clears…

Also, more big news from yesterday. I’ve officially decided that I will be visiting New Orleans for a week on & around Halloween. Yes, it should truly be epic… and it narrowly beat out San Francisco… but it basically boiled down to the fact that I had some flight credits that were going to expire… and I’ve been wanting to go back for over a year now… and it’s basically a nice way to cash in what would otherwise be a $500 flight. I’m already looking into all the fun stuff that we (Filly, myself & her friends) will be doing. Filly tells me that she knows a great karaoke place (and wants to sing “Bad Touch” with me among others), great food establishments, and because of her connections with her jobs, we will be taken care of by the haunted mortuary & carriage rides through the French Quarter. Also, there’s the Krewe of Boo Halloween Parade, and even a Boo at the Zoo at the Audobon Zoo, which oddly enough… in all my journeys to the Crescent City, I have yet to experience. Another big thing… that I’m kinda looking into… is that there’s a Sunday night football match at the Superdome on Halloween night between the defending world champion New Orleans Saints… and the 6-time Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers. The only catch? Filly couldn’t possibly care less about football… oh and the prices I’ve been finding are about $200 a pop for nosebleeds (on that note, still looking for great tickets to the 49ers – Eagles game on 10/10/10 but may find some this weekend). So yeah… it should make for an incredible week… but I’m forgetting the most important thing of all – What do I wear? How will Dr Love portray himself during this most incredible collection of eccentric costumes in the Big Easy? I honestly have no idea. Sure, I could go with Chewbacca again… and Filly’s offered to modify it to be Frank the Bunny (from “Donnie Darko”) but there are just so many options… and I’d hate to hide this handsome face behind a bulky mask. Other suggestions were a gladiator (more like the world’s tallest, skinniest sumo wrestler) or Don Juan DeMarco… and I could definitely pull that off… but I’m not allowed to grow facial hair due to my work (I know, right?). We shall see. Perhaps I will keep it a surprise as well… but suggestions are gladly considered, so please – What should $teve dress up as for Halloween in New Orleans?

Last night, I watched a vampire movie called “Daybreakers” starring Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe & Sam Neill. Now, you know how I feel about vampire movies nowadays… and that they’re all whiny pissy dramas… but this one had a little twist. Basically it’s set ten years into the future, and for the last decade, vampirism has spread like a virus… and now 95% of the world’s population is vampire. Okay, so they’re in control. There’s a catch though. They’re running out of their most precious resource that gives them… well, un-life – human blood. They can’t feast on each other, animal blood just doesn’t do it, and they have yet to find a substitute… and time is running out before all chaos ensues (think if everybody in the world was starving & had superpowers). One hematologist (Hawke) wants to find a cure to vampirism… and meets up with some humans, including one who used to be a vampire (Dafoe). However, the government is hunting all of them down… and the CEO of the blood bank (Neill) has other plans. Why cure it when you can just medicate it? Yes, this story is ripe with metaphor about politics and the human condition… but I would still highly recommend it. The story is told in a very convincing way (as long as you can accept certain realities of course) and even the mood and tone and coloring really put you into this world. I will warn you though. I found the ending to be a little… ridiculous, but hey, it all has to do with the metaphor I’m sure. Go check this movie out. Especially if you like vampire movies. Anyway, here’s the news… free of vampirism outbreaks… for now…

Brad Pitt is a Zombie!!! – That’s right, forget vampires. Zombieism is what’s really spreading like wildfire… but the good news is that it may free up Angelina on the singles market. Okay, maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Brad Pitt is officially attached to star in the film adaptation of Max Brooks' "World War Z" for Paramount Pictures and Plan B reports MTV News. Set a decade after a virus has turned much of the planet's population into zombies (not vampires), the story follows a journalist interviewing subjects from around the world about their experiences during the 'zombie war'. The book fuses elements of political satire, war and survival horror as it explores how various nations, governments and individuals respond to the crisis. Paramount has also apparently optioned the movie rights to two more of his projects, including "The Zombie Survival Guide" and "The zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks." Marc Forster ("Quantum of Solace") has been attached to direct. A few years back, I attended a seminar conducted by Max Brooks with an ex-girlfriend… and it’s truly one of my fondest memories. Why? Because I found out that I wasn’t the only crazy person with a bunch of crazy friends who have thorough (though possibly far-fetched) plans intact in case of a zombie apocalypse (this was before I was certain of the serpent apocalypse). This could be a pretty good movie. I mean… Zombieland was awesome. Now just throw in Brad Pitt instead of that neurotic kid… and boom!!! Blockbuster, right? We shall see. By the way, for those of you who don’t know, Max Brooks is the son of legendary comedic filmmaker Mel Brooks (“Young Frankenstein”, “Robin Hood: Men in Tights”, “Spaceballs”, etc) so now you know… and knowing is half the battle… especially against the brain-starved zombie hordes.

Orlando Bloom is Not Gay!!! – (allegedly) Actor Orlando Bloom and model Miranda Kerr have married, her employer said Friday. Upscale Australian department store David Jones, which employs the 27-year-old Australian model as a fashion ambassador, said she will not attend a Spring season launch on August 3rd because she was honeymooning with the 33-year-old British star of "Lord of the Rings" and "Pirates of the Caribbean." "Given the exiting news that Miranda and Orlando have recently wed and will be enjoying their honeymoon together, Miranda will not be with us" for the launch, David Jones spokeswoman Colette Garnsey said in a statement. The statement did not say where or when they had married. David Jones would not be commenting on personal aspects of the announcement, that statement said. Kerr said she would continue to work for the store. "I am enormously grateful to David Jones to have been given this time to enjoy such a special moment of my life. I look forward to coming back to Australia in the near future to celebrate with family and friends," she said. "David Jones very graciously released me during this period so we could celebrate an intimate ceremony and honeymoon together," she added. Kerr first met Bloom backstage at a Victoria's Secret lingerie fashion show in New York in 2006. They began dating in late 2007 and confirmed their engagement last month. However, the question remains… really? My gay-dar must be WAY off because… seriously, unless he’s a guard at the Vatican wearing that sh*t… or he lost a bet or something… you know what, I’m not convinced. I’ll report that he’s married to a Victoria’s Secret supermodel but… that is all. Next story… perhaps something more manly…

Machete at Comic Con – That should do the trick. Robert Rodriguez loves Comic-Con, but the San Diego Convention Center is just too limiting. So the filmmaker decided to unveil his new movie, "Machete," on a street corner instead. Rodriguez showed about seven minutes of footage from the film at an outdoor party Thursday night that featured free tacos and margaritas, scantily clad dancers, a dozen tricked-out low-rider cars and a graffiti wall (and sombreros for all!!!). Stars Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez were on hand for the celebration. The film also stars Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Don Johnson and Lindsay Lohan among countless others. The seven-minute clip was sexy, bloody and action-packed. In one scene, Alba puts out an attacker's eye with a stiletto heel. Giggidy!!! In another, Trejo's character slices open an opponent's stomach and rappels down a wall with his intestine. To which Robert said, "The human intestine is 10 times longer than the human body. True fact." It is. The writer-director said "Machete" is a film of and for the fans, who clamored for a full-length movie after seeing a trailer in 2007's "Grindhouse." "I was never going to go beyond the trailer." The film focuses on Trejo's character, Machete, a renegade who's fighting against corruption in the United States and Mexico. Robert Rodriguez wrote the part for Trejo, his first starring role in a 25-year career. "No matter where you go, there's always going to be corruption," Robert Rodriguez said. "So you almost have to create this superhero that can solve a problem that we find unsolvable ourselves." "This is the first Latino superhero," said Michelle Rodriguez (no relation?), who sports an eye patch in "Machete." Arrrrgh… Lohan plays a pistol-packing nun in the movie. Repeat: Former friend of the blog and recovering alcoholic Lindsay Lohan plays a super hot servant of Christ who packs heat. The director said her character has "a really great, surprising arc." Hopefully of her back. "I was playing with icons a lot in this. She was already so iconic in one way, I thought, 'How can you play with that, play with these images in pop culture?' And everything that's going on with her now only fuels that even more." "Machete" opens in September. $teve will be there to show his support. Comic-Con continues through Sunday. I will more than likely not be there… though I don’t have plans this weekend… so we shall see. It has been a while since my last trip to San Diego (two moves to two states ago). Machete sounds like my kind of movie… and now if we can only get Rob Zombie to make “Werewolf Women of the SS” starring his wife, Udo Kier, Jurgen Prochnow and of course… Nicolas Cage as Doctor Fu Manchu!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Saw This Coming? – In other Comic Con news, the "Saw" horror movie franchise is getting a place in the Guinness World Records as the "Most Successful Horror Movie Series," one of the film's producers, Mark Burg, said on Thursday. "I'm still in shock. The fact that we beat out (such horror franchises as) 'Friday the 13th,' 'Nightmare on Elm Street,' 'Halloween' and 'Texas Chain Saw Massacre' is a testament to our cast, crew and our partners at Lionsgate." (and how ridiculous ticket prices have gotten) The franchise consists of six movies, each one having come out consecutively every Halloween since 2004. The seventh, and final, installment (until prequels & reboots pop up in a few years) is due out October 29th and will be featured in futuristic 3D. Collectively, the "Saw" films have made over $730 million at the worldwide box-office and sold more than thirty million DVDs, according to distributors Lionsgate. The films centre around a killer named Jigsaw who puts his victims through psychological torture before killing them. Burg said it was during the production of "Saw 2," that the producers decided to "etch out" one long story spanning seven films. Therefore, after the seventh movie, called "Saw 3D", there will be no other movies, including spin-offs or prequels. Really? "We are done; this is it. We don't want to be that boxer who fought one too many fights." Really? Don’t think I won’t bring this back up WHEN you do. Burg said the seventh chapter was always "anticipated" by fans as the final one. Really? "In every 'Saw' movie, we left questions open and in this movie we answer every question the audience has ever had," Burg said, adding that even new viewers will be able to follow and "get caught up to speed." (“Previously on Saw…”) The Guinness presentation will take place at San Diego's Comic Con convention on Friday. London-based Guinness Editor-in-Chief Craig Glenday will be on hand to present the award to the film's producers. Congratulations to everybody involved!!! I like the Saw movies. Sure, they’re primarily a way to capitalize on the audience’s obsession with gore & violence… but there’s at least a decent plot (sorta) and an underlining creepiness and moral to it all (allegedly). As for a horror gore-gy slasher flicks go, they’re pretty good. We’ll see if they don’t try to make more of them though. I obviously have my doubts. Really.

Judge Dress Reboot – I mean… if they try to reboot “Judge Dredd” what’s next? Pootie Tang? ($teve fondly dreams of a world with more Pootie) New Zealand actor Karl Urban ("Pathfinder" & Bones in the new "Star Trek") is reportedly set to play "Judge Dredd" in the upcoming film reboot of the British comic reports Bleeding Cool. Unlike the previous film starring Sylvester Stallone, Urban's handsome face however will remain hidden as the iconic visor and helmet of the law enforcement officer will not be removed at anytime in the film (true to the comic… but may prove awkward for the mandatory love scenes). Pete Travis (“Vantage Point”) directs from a script by Alex Garland (“28 Days Later” & “Sunshine”) which is said to hew closer to the darker tone of the comic book (so don’t expect Rob Schneider to pop up, probably more cannibals & zombies). Shooting will take place in Johannesburg this year for a 2012 release… so don’t wait up.

My Own Reservation – People often tell me that I live in my own wonderful dream world. That very well may be true. I mean… just take into account my frame of reference, if I believe it, then it is so… but don’t worry, I’m not going to get into a whole philosophical discussion with you just yet (though I’ve found over the years that it is a great way to f**k with stoners & have them question everything from their existence to whether they’re gay for God). Instead, I’m going to talk about a man who really tried to stretch his way through a loop hole that doesn’t really exist to get what would be easier for him. My kind of BS’er. An Ohio man who claimed that his American Indian ancestry makes him exempt from city nuisance laws has been ordered to clean up two homes that have fallen into disrepair. I know. When I read city nuisance laws and American Indian heritage, I was expected rain dances in loincloths and ritual sacrifice too. A judge told William Bowersock on Thursday that he has 30 days to take care of the properties in Lima (LY'-muh). The judge rejected Bowersock's argument that he had seceded from the local government and formed his own Indian reservation, thereby making him exempt from the city's property code. Yup, he said it with a straight face too. Bowersock says he thinks the city is singling him out (yeah, because they’re your properties) and using selective enforcement of property codes to harass him (I’m assuming he’s trying to pull the race card). Judge Richard Warren said city officials have given Bowersock years to address the nuisance problem and that the rights of the city and Bowersock's neighbors must be protected (citing both city ordinances and Manifest Destiny). Look, you know how I feel about Native Americans getting screwed over… and not just because my Ottawa heritage makes my skin color the faintest of pinks either. However, does $teve Comes with a Thunder claim his home to be a sovereign two-acre nation in the middle of suburban Ohio? No. Though maybe when I stop renting & actually “own land” that might change. I grasp the key principles of the White Man’s laws. For example, I know that I first have to petition and file a lot of paperwork to get my property sanctioned as a reservation before I can claim for it to be officially be one, until then, it’s just another couple of houses in a neighborhood… and if my place smells like ass (peyote would be generally acceptable) then I have to respect those around me. Hey, that’s why I wear clothes. I respect others around me who may not want to be distracted by my hot body and wreck their cars or have impure and/or unfaithful thoughts. Well, that and anybody who’s walked around in the nude before knows that mosquitoes go directly to the warmest part of your exposed body and… well, you know. Anyway, I like that you at least attempted to find a loophole and play the race card and all… but good luck fixing up your property, Mr. Bowersock. Keep up the good fight.

On that note, I think I’ll call it a day. I’ve babbled on long enough about movies, roommates, future vacations and the like. Still no idea what I’m going to do this weekend but next weekend is mama’s visit and also a new roomie moving in. Should make for an interesting and fantastic time. Any suggestions on what I should do? Eh, I’m sure I’ll find something… or someone. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Chinese Oil Drill

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Sigh… Roommate inquiries rescheduled for today (last minute business opportunity apparently) so maybe we’ll meet up today. I’ll be starting to learn some more languages through Rosetta Stone over the next year thanks to a business opportunity myself… so if you start seeing random entry titles is some kind of funny talk, that may be a hint that I’m studying. “Did he just ask for oral pleasure in Mandarin?” Yeah, I’m thinking of brushing up on my German (been a decade or so) and then trying to decide whether to learn something directly useful like Spanish… or ambitious like Mandarin next. Definitely a lot more opportunity to use Spanish with coworkers, neighbors and at least a third of the people I run into on a daily basis. However, the ladies are also impressed with the Mandarin… especially if you can identify their accent as being from Kowloon Bay in Hong Kong. “I was born in Kowloon Bay.” “There you have it.” “This guy is good.” (Watch Wayne’s World, it makes more sense) May also go bowling tonight… or this weekend. Pork Chop wants to meet up and do something but… he’s very vague & flaky sometimes (hence why he associates with me, as that seems to be the way) so we’ll see.

Last night, Filly & I watched a movie that I had never seen all the way through before, “Mystery Men” starring Ben Stiller, Geoffrey Rush, Greg Kinnear and a slough of others… including I correctly identified Michael Bay as a Frat Boy (“Either that’s Michael Bay… or some other douche trying to look like him”). The story is about a group of wanna-be superheroes who come together when the REAL superhero of Champion City named Captain Amazing (Kinnear) is kidnapped by the evil Casanova Frankenstein (Rush, and possibly the greatest supervillian name ever). It’s… well, it has its moments. It’s one of Filly’s favorites (hence why we watched it) because it’s quirky and different… but yeah, I thought it was okay at best. I thought Geoffrey Rush was probably the funniest character in the movie. Not a huge Ben Stiller fan. Not sure why. Being a frustrated superhero in my own right, I can identify with wanting to help out and have a cause and saving the day and all that though. I could totally see myself showing up at the auditions like the Waffler (Dane Cook) and having a few catch phrases already saved up and ready to serve to evildoers. Anyway, if you haven’t seen it & you like quirky superhero comedies, then yeah, check it out. It’s kinda like “Kick Ass” but PG-13, that same kind of appeal. So here’s the news…

Chinese Oil Drill – We’re not the only international powerhouse with a giant oil spill that threatens a lot of our livelihoods & were ill-prepared to contain it. China's largest reported oil spill emptied beaches along the Yellow Sea as its size doubled Wednesday, while cleanup efforts included… wait for it… straw mats and frazzled workers with little more than rubber gloves. An official warned the spill posed a "severe threat" to sea life and water quality as China's latest environmental crisis spread off the shores of Dalian, once named China's most livable city (which is a bold statement for a country with over a BILLION people living in it). "I've been to a few bays today and discovered they were almost entirely covered with dark oil," said Zhong Yu with environmental group Greenpeace China, who spent the day on a boat inspecting the spill. "The oil is half-solid and half liquid and is as sticky as asphalt," she told The Associated Press by telephone. The oil had spread over 165 square miles of water five days since a pipeline at the busy northeastern port exploded, hurting oil shipments from part of China's strategic oil reserves to the rest of the country. (By the way, China just passed the U.S. as the nation that consumes the most energy) Shipments remained reduced Wednesday. State media has said no more oil is leaking into the sea, but the total amount of oil spilled is not yet clear (and therefore probably biblical in scale). Greenpeace China released photos Wednesday of inky beaches and of straw mats about 2 square meters (21 square feet) in size scattered on the sea, meant to absorb the oil (and then what?). Fishing in the waters around Dalian has been banned through the end of August, the state-run Xinhua News Agency reported. "The oil spill will pose a severe threat to marine animals, and water quality, and the sea birds," Huang Yong, deputy bureau chief for the city's Maritime Safety Administration, told Dragon TV. At least one person died during cleanup efforts. A 25-year-old firefighter, Zhang Liang, drowned Tuesday when a wave threw him from a vessel, Xinhua reported. Officials, oil company workers and volunteers were turning out by the hundreds to clean blackened beaches. "We don't have proper oil cleanup materials, so our workers are wearing rubber gloves and using chopsticks (no joke)," an official with the Jinshitan Golden Beach Administration Committee told the Beijing Youth Daily newspaper, in apparent exasperation. "This kind of inefficiency means the oil will keep coming to shore. ... This stretch of oil is really difficult to clean up in the short term." But 40 oil-skimming boats and about 800 fishing boats were also deployed to clean up the spill, and Xinhua said more than 15 kilometers (9 miles) of oil barriers had been set up to keep the slick from spreading. China Central Television earlier reported an estimate of 1,500 tons of oil has spilled. That would amount roughly to 400,000 gallons — as compared with 94 million to 184 million gallons in the BP oil spill off the U.S. coast. China's State Oceanic Administration released the latest size of the contaminated area in a statement Tuesday. The cause of the explosion that started the spill was still not clear (though I’m sure fireworks have been ruled out). The pipeline is owned by China National Petroleum Corp., Asia's biggest oil and gas producer by volume. Friday's images of 100-foot-high (30-meter-high) flames at China's second largest port for crude oil imports drew the immediate attention of President Hu Jintao and other top leaders. Now the challenge is cleaning up the greasy plume. "Our priority is to collect the spilled oil within five days to reduce the possibility of contaminating international waters," Dalian's vice mayor, Dai Yulin, told Xinhua on Tuesday. But an official with the State Oceanic Administration has warned the spill will be difficult to clean up even in twice that amount of time (but they’re definitely gonna try to beat our time). Some locals said the area's economy was already hurting. "Let's wait and see how well they deal with the oil until Sept. 1, if the oil can't be cleaned up by then, the seafood products will all be ruined," an unnamed fisherman told Dragon TV. "No one will buy them in the market because of the smell of the oil." That’s a simple marketing resolution away… but still, another major oil spill. Maybe I won’t be going to China on a cruise this October (it was honestly considered…and still is a bit despite the fact that it might look like the cruise ship is encased in asphalt when I wake up one morning near Dalian. I just hope that the respective governments and other entities can get these spills taken care of. I like seafood… and beaches… and affordable gasoline… and beautiful water… and oceans… and all that other stuff.

History of Sex – Then again, maybe I’m completely wrong and the ages-old wisdom of the Orient may be onto something with the straw mats. Sometimes some of the ancient ways are the most effective. Then again, maybe not. For example, sex toys have come a long way since the Stone Age - but then again, perhaps not as much as we might think. Last week, an excavation in Sweden turned up an object that bears the unmistakable look of a penis carved out of antler bone. Though scientists can't be sure exactly what this tool was used for, it's hard not to leap to conclusions (tehehe, hard…). "Your mind and my mind wanders away to make this interpretation about what it looks like - for you and me, it signals this erected-penis-like shape," said archaeologist Göran Gruber of the National Heritage Board in Sweden, who worked on the excavation. "But if that's the way the Stone Age people thought about it, I can't say." The resemblance is uncanny…but then again, maybe they were just trying to invite some people to their party cave and it’s a horribly shaped bicep. "Without doubt anyone alive at the time of its making would have seen the penile similarities just as easily as we do today," wrote Swedish archaeologist Martin Rundkvist on his blog, Aardvarchaeology. Well, if a fellow blogger says so, then I have to agree. The discovery is so recent, Gruber said, there hasn't been enough time to submit the finding for publication in a scientific journal, though the researchers plan to (and maybe a letter to Penthouse Forum). The carved bone was unearthed at a Mesolithic site in Motala, Sweden, that is rich with ancient artifacts from between 4,000 to 6,000 B.C. The area's unique features may have allowed bone artifacts, which usually get destroyed over the millennia, to survive. "It's an organic object, that's why it's special," Gruber told LiveScience. "Normally when we excavate early Mesolithic sites we never get the organic material. But this site where we're excavating now is along the shoreline. The preservation is very good here - it's been lying in the bottom sediments and clay layers of the river, and it's been well preserved there." The dildo-like object is about 4 inches long and 0.8 inches in diameter (hmm, surprising with the size of Swedes… but then again, it IS really cold up there). It's not the first time that such a phallic object has been found from the ancient world. Another item strongly resembling a penis was unearthed in Germany in 2005. That one is even older - dating from 28,000 years ago - and made of stone. Yet the recent discovery was enough to shock the scientists working at the dig, which is led by National Heritage Board archaeologist Fredrik Molin. "Nobody here, and nobody that we heard of or talked with, had ever seen something like this in northern European or Scandinavian sites," Gruber said. Perhaps instead of, or in addition to, its sexual purpose, the object may have been used as a tool, such as to chip flakes of flint, Gruber suggested…and then snickering to himself, I assume. One end is shaped into more of a point. It's not immediately clear whether the tool would have been one most likely to be used by men or women or both. "If it's a tool and it's also shaped like a penis, it could be an item where you want to discuss gender questions," Gruber said. Sexual symbolism isn't uncommon on ancient artifacts, though more often female symbols, such as those representing a fertile mother Earth, are seen. "I think this perhaps points in another direction, so to say," Gruber said. So what do you think? Did your ancestors make all-natural dildos? Is the Fleshlight just the next step of human sexual evolution? “UGG!!! Wife, what THAT?” “This ugh… this tool. See? Use to ugh… clean reindeer hide and ugh… club small creature over head.” “Then why you have it… in there?” “Oh ugh… me have no pockets and ugh… work better when kept warm.” See? Rosetta Stone’s already working as I now speak perfect prehistoric Swedish, but the accent could use some work.

Way to a Woman’s Heart – Many people have asked me, “$teve, how do I find the right woman?” And my advice is always the same, ask somebody else as I seem to have trouble in that area. “Hmm, maybe it has something to do with your casual conversation including obscure movie references, the latest in the world of pandas & 4-inch ancient Swedish dildos made out of antler?” Perhaps. However, I do know how to reach woman on a personal level. I know the way to a woman’s heart isn’t through acts of kindness, heartfelt sentiment, her rib cage, flowery gifts or even food. Rather, it’s through their pussy… and I’m not the only Utahn who knows this. A man is accused of violating a protective order because he allegedly sent letters to his estranged wife's cat. Authorities say 32-year-old Ronald Charles Dallas, of South Salt Lake, was ordered not to contact his wife, who is the alleged victim in a domestic violence case against him. Prosecutors allege Dallas mailed 11 letters from jail that were addressed to her cat Molly Judge (yes, the cat has a full name… and if you don’t know your girlfriend’s cat’s full name, then you’d better find out… no need to thank me, just pay it forward) and a neighbor, but were intended for his wife. They say the letters asked her not to testify against him. Dallas now faces 11 counts of violation of a protective order and two counts of tampering with a witness. His court-appointed attorney, Trent Ricks, says he couldn't comment until he speaks to his client. I know what his thinking was… and it’s the whole “I wasn’t contacting her. I was contacting our neighbor… and our cat” and that’s not going to fly, especially if you addressed the letters to your wife or something. “Dearest Molly, thoughts of you and your soft fur have kept me warm through these cold winter nights here in prison. I long for the day that we can be together again…and can feel you purring on my chest as we fall asleep watching Grey’s Anatomy. You know, one way that could happen sooner rather than later is if you convinced your mommy (my wife) to not press charges against me because of our little argument where I threw the beer can at her because she got me Natural Light and she knows that’s not my brand & I can’t swallow that carbonated urine. I’ve forgiven her and her forgetfulness and have moved on. Maybe you can convince her to do the same. All I’m saying is, maybe bring it up with her when she’s reading you this letter, as I know that you’re still trying to learn English through Rosetta Stone. Forever yours, Ronnie – P.S. Whatever you do, don’t let her send this letter to that Dr Mookie Love or his blog. I know this is all part of her plan to get me out of the picture so that she can be with that guy. She’s been talking about him for YEARS and thinks he’s some kind of quirky Casanova or something… but it would just embarrass all of us if he knew about our correspondence. By the way, did I ever tell you some of the dirty fantasies that she had about this guy? Really freaky stuff. Anyway, we can talk about it in person soon.” Yeah, that would be a shame if that information got into the wrong hands.

Special Delivery – Who doesn’t like deliveries? Sure, there are varying degrees of surprise and/or excitement concerning certain deliveries…but it’s always a little mystery (as long as you don’t think too hard about it…or remember that some people are getting married). You never know when you could just be raffling through some mail and stumble upon something unexpectedly wonderful. “Bills… catalogs… junk mail… wedding invite (do I know this person?) … more bills… non-descript brown box that seems to be humming addressed to my wife… what the? Is that… marijuana?” Indeed, police say a surprise 2-pound package of marijuana arrived in the mail last week at one elderly woman's home in southern Michigan's Blackman Township (yes, it’s a real city, about 75 miles west of Detroit). The woman called police. Detectives don't know who sent the weed. They learned that the Arizona return address on the package was bogus (420 Stoner Way? I believe that’s in Tucson). Police say the pot is worth about $2,400 (wholesale… and it must be swag). Deputy Director Jon Johnston told The Jackson Citizen Patriot that the marijuana either was sent to the woman's home by mistake or someone planned to snatch it from the mailbox before she checked. The pot will be destroyed… slowly over an open flame… in trace amounts in various basements in the lower peninsula. Hey, my dad was a cop for a long time when I was growing up. I know how these things work. Anyway, sorry if I ended up disappointing you every time that you go to your mailbox from now until the end of time… but hey, the new Maxim’s coming out soon. Right? That’ll put a smile on your face.

Elvis Update – It’s official. Elvis has been found with the angels. An Elvis Presley statue, taken earlier this month from the roof of a Maryland diner, was recovered Tuesday between two angels at a nearby cemetery. Baltimore County police say a customer found the 80-pound statue at the Faith Cemetery in Overlea and returned it to the diner. Police say the customer is not considered a suspect (the perfect crime). The now footless Elvis (not a foot fetishist, its feet were left bolted to the diner roof) was taken earlier this month from the Happy Day Diner in suburban Baltimore. Diner owner Maria Pigiaditis said after the statue was taken that a former owner bought the 7-foot-tall fiberglass Elvis for $1,500 in 2001, and until the theft he had only been taken down once for a "facelift" after a storm. I know I’m not the only one that thought about having an Elvis statue over their gravesite… but I’m glad it was found so that all the diner patrons in suburban B-more can get their Elvis nostalgia on. On behalf of all of us, thank you very much… The question remains though, who would want to steal the statue? Anybody. Period. That’s why there’s no suspect. Everybody’s a suspect… and that’s a LOT of paperwork with no leads for the past decade… until it miraculously appears in a cemetery (allegedly). However, theft of artwork of a celebrity isn’t where the money’s at…

Another Elvi Update - Autopsy tools used to embalm and prepare Elvis Presley's body for his funeral in 1977 and a toe tag used on the singer for identification purposes are set to go under the hammer at a Chicago auction house. The instruments up for sale at Leslie Hindman Auctioneers on August 12 include rubber gloves, forceps, lip brushes, a comb and eye liner, needle injectors, an arterial tube and aneurysm hooks, all of which the auction house say were used only once (and then turned to GOLD). The collection, saved for years by a senior embalmer at the Memphis Funeral Home who wishes to stay anonymous, also includes a toe tag marked "John Doe" which was used as a replacement after the original was stolen by a fan during chaos at the hospital. "The mortician, who prepared the body, retained this tag and the instruments, along with the preparation room case report, the case sheet, dry cleaning tags, the hanger to the singer's suit and tie and the coffin shipping invoice, which are marked "Elvis Presley,"" said Mary Williams, a spokeswoman for Leslie Hindman Auctioneers. The items will be sold in two lots, and the auction house estimated the lots will sell at between $6,000-8,000 and $4,000-6,000, respectively. Williams admitted the auction may be controversial as some people "are going to be disappointed" by the sale of these items but Elvis memorabilia was always in strong demand with a lock of his hair selling for $18,300 at an auction last year. "It's really about owning a piece of the celebrity themselves ... and how much closer can you get than the actual embalming instruments," Williams told Reuters. Elvis (allegedly) died from heart problems after taking a cocktail of prescription drugs on August 16, 1977, at the age of 42 but he continues to be one of the top earning dead celebrities, bringing in $55 million in 2009 according to Forbes.com. Oh yeah, $55 million last year… and he was dead for over thirty years. You made LESS than a tenth of a percent of that last year (statistics show). How does that make YOU feel? A lock of his rigid, over-stylized hair that’s been dead since disco sold for about a year’s salary after taxes. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. That’s just the kind of weight that Elvis still has in the industry. Speaking of celebrities that have long since given back to the world by donating worm food…

Marilyn Update - Kenneth Branagh (“Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein” & director of “Thor”) is apparently in talks to play acting legend Sir Laurence Olivier in the Marilyn Monroe biopic "My Week With Marilyn" for The Weinstein Company reports Production Weekly (not to be associated with “A Night in Paris” starring Paris Hilton). The story is based on a diary by Colin Clark, a young actor who worked for Laurence Olivier when the veteran actor shepherded Marilyn Monroe around London while she shot "The Prince and the Showgirl". Michelle Williams (hot dead wife from “Shutter Island” & Heath Ledger’s girlfriend, not the chick from Destiny’s Child…just to be clear) is set to play Monroe, no word on who'll play Clark (though I did turn in my resume). Simon Curtis directs and shooting plans to kick off late September. The project isn't to be confused with the other Monroe biopic "Blonde" starring Naomi Watts and based on Joyce Carol Oates' dramatized memoir and directed by Andrew Dominik. So two more movies about Marilyn Monroe told through the accounts of others are in the works. She’s been dead for nearly fifty years. Will somebody make a movie about your life? Maybe. Would anybody want to watch it? I would hope so. Sometimes when I’m sitting around doing nothing, I have what I call “A Truman Show Moment” and I ponder “If somebody was watching me right now, would they change the channel?” I also briefly consider if it would be because of boredom or sheer disgust… but yeah, I get bored easily, so I would then go out and do something, or at least make myself useful or entertained somehow. Do I think that down the road anybody’s going to make a movie based on my adventures? I seriously doubt it. Besides, I consider myself more of a long-running television series than a progressively worse series of sh*tty movie sequels. We shall see… and personally, I’m more interested on who my cast of costars is going to be.

Hmm… well, while I ponder that (already have Angelina & Audrey Toutou on the phone to play at least two parts), I guess that’ll do it for today. I’ll keep you posted on the roommates… and if any lucky young ladies decide to call upon my pleasure giving services this weekend. Stranger things have happened. Have a great day everybody!!!