The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday was a blessed day, as my southern counterpart would say. As you may have noticed from my post, it started pretty early. I got a call just before 5 AM from Bubbles and she needed to talk. She apologized for calling me at that hour...but I assured her it was okay because we're friends and friends are there for each other at any time of day (and I was getting up in an hour anyway). She went on to tell me how much she missed me and that she doesn't enjoy Vegas like she thought she would and she's worried about her job and she's frustrated that she can't find another friend like me in Vegas. Granted, she was a little tipsy (I mean, it WAS 4 AM in Vegas at the time) but I had heard this before when she was sober too. I assured her that it was going to be okay...and it doesn't matter if she finds another friend like me because she already has one...and frankly, you're not going to find another $teve. Anywhere. (How's that for humble?) It got a laugh out of her...and after a few more minutes of pointing out her numerous wonderful attributes, she said that she felt much better, thanked me, and slept it off. Most might say that would have been really inconvenient and got frustrated that somebody called them in the middle of the night...but not me. I enjoy those calls. Why? Because I'm a glutton for punishment. Okay, not really. It's because I kind of like being the person that somebody calls when they need a friend...or just somebody to talk to. We all have those moments when everything just kind of adds up...and we have a Gloomy Gus Day. I've discussed this before repeatedly. It gives me a feeling not unlike Pride to help somebody who's having a horrible day (or night or very early morning) and make it better. It's what I live for really. So yeah, I was awake after that, blogged a bit (since I didn't the night before thanks to my brother's barbecue), then went to my next blessed event.

I went to Neighbor Works in my old stompin' grounds of Rose Park. For those who have never heard of it (like me) it's basically a wonderful community improvement program for a part of town that really needs it. They do community service projects, loans for homes & small businesses in the area, outreach programs and lots of other wonderful things. I showed up a little early (like I always do) and got to meet some of the people behind the organization and get a little background from them. Please check them out and organizations like them in your deck of the woods. Anyway, today we were getting treated to a complimentary breakfast (provided by the Rose Park Lions Club) of pancakes and then we headed out to an elderly widow's home to paint her house. This was with a few other people from work so it was pretty fun...and the lady was incredibly sweet and had two beautiful dogs. Being vertically gifted, I was able to help out without a ladder so while everybody else was waiting for supplies, I grabbed a scraper and a brush and got to work pretty early...and the weather was absolutely perfect for painting. It's was like seventies, we were afraid that it was going to rain and literally wash our work away...but it didn't, not too sunny so that the sweat flows freely, just perfect outdoor working weather. I met some new coworker friends and was reunited with a few that I hadn't seen in a few years (moved to other department and lost contact). It was good times...and we helped a sweet lady out. What more could you ask for in a day...and all before noon? But wait, there was more.

Since I was in the neighborhood, I went to hang with my dad for about an hour. It wasn't much...but I helped my stepmom set up her new laptop a bit & caught up with my dad who I hadn't seen in a few weeks. Then I went home, did about four loads of laundry, cleaned up my kitchen & bathroom, cooked me a nice little dinner (chicken alfredo), finished the first season of "Dollhouse" (love that show like a fat kid loves cake), and basically just chillaxed all day letting the cool air flow throughout my apartment. It was just about the most wonderful time that I could have by myself...and was even occasionally blessed with a text message from JL Clyde (now back from San Francisco) and Lilie and others. Then I had a hinkering that I hadn't had for a long time...to look at some old videos from my trips around the world. See, I have a camcorder...but I haven't used it much the past few years (mostly because pictures do pretty well and are much easier to share). The problem was that the batteries were dead on it, so I charged it up a bit...and while charging, I noticed there was a tape in it and tried to remember what the last thing I videotaped was...and when...and where. Was it my 26th birthday in Vegas? No, I'd taken it to Europe with me last year, maybe it was that. Hmm, only one way to find out. When it was partially charged, I rewound a few minutes, pushed play...and what did I see? "Hey Kairi, where's your nose? Where's your eyes? Where's your mouth? Where's your bellybutton?" It was video from about a year ago of my niece...and she was just about the most adorable thing that I had ever seen. "How does a dog sound?" "Woof woof woof!!!" Yeah, good times. Also, I'm thinking about checking out my tapes from China four years ago & Europe last year soon...so if anybody wants to go on a mystical journey through time & space with me...and maybe experience China secondhand (probably complete with stories) then let me know and we can watch them. I'll warn you...there's probably four hours or so of videos...but you'll see all the sights of Shanghai, Beijing, Xian, Chengdu, Zhouzhuang, Hangzhou, Leshan, Dujiangyan, Suzhou, a Chinese Acrobats show, Pandas, edible delicacies, guards with AK-47s and so much more.

That night, I also watched "The Maltese Falcon" starring Humphrey Bogart in his legendary role of Sam Spade, a private eye caught up in a web of lies, deceit and golden bird statues. Basically, the story is the typical gumshoe caper. Beautiful dame walks in, gives a story about a missing sister & her evil boyfriend in town, the partner's sent to tail him, ends up murdered, then the boyfriend's murdered, the police are poking around, there's more to the story than expected...and the private eye has to figure it all out on his own without getting killed. The flick is legendary...and basically sent the benchmark pretty high for its genre...but it does get a little...overexposed by today's standards. Granted, I know it was a different time when this movie was made (1941) but still it's a great film and I'd suggest checking it out. This was actually my first time watching the film...but apparently it was parodied as a child (probably on Tiny Toons or something like that) because a lot of the characters seemed EXTREMELY familiar to me. Everything from Sam to the Dame to the Fatman to Cairo I felt like I had seen before...but yeah, that's neither here nor there. Great classic flick. Check it out if you want.

Sunday, I worked in the morning and then in the afternoon, the "G.I. Joe" viewing was cancelled because my dad was on a new medication and didn't want to be in public. Apparently it made him really hyper and lose frontal lobe capabilities or something...because he was like he was ten years earlier. Not really saying anything...but making sure that you heard every single syllable...even the gibberish. I hung out there for a few hours, mostly for my stepmom because she was trying to set up her laptop...and I can imagine the chore that would've been having to listen to him too. Oh well, it wasn't that bad.

Around 7, I headed up to meet JL Clyde & Cat at the Mount Olive Cemetery for an event that I had no idea existed until a few days ago...and I really wasn't prepared for...but hell if I was going to miss it - Zombie Walk 2009. Basically, a bunch of people dress up like zombies, compare costumes & give advice for next year, and then slowly walk down the hill towards Trolley Square, entertaining neighbors & passerbys along the way. It was actually quite the sight...and a lot of fun, until they slowly advanced on the rookie police officer who then panicked and opened fire. Apparently he had seen "Dawn of the Dead" and knew there was only one way to stop a zombie. Jack will be missed. The walk concluded at Trolley Square where all the zombie then started to dance to "Thriller" in a lovely tribute to the late Michael Jackson. Here are some pictures...

"ZOMBIE BABY!!!"

There were probably around 200 zombies

No one is safe!!!

After that, it was off to Red Rocks for a few beers, introducing JL Clyde & Cat to "Dollhouse" and then sleeping. Today I worked, played some volleyball and then gave you the news...

Nicolas Cage / Green Hornet Update - Speaking of other movies that I expect to suck a bit, here's some news on the running gag known as "The Green Hornet" motion picture. About fifteen years after the process was first started, they're still about as close to finishing as they were back when Will Smith was the Fresh Prince...but Taiwan's pop singer Jay Chou will star alongside Nicolas Cage and Cameron Diaz in the movie remake of popular US television series "The Green Hornet," reports here said Saturday. Chou, 30, has been cast as the superhero's sidekick Kato, a role played by the late Chinese-American martial arts icon Bruce Lee about 40 years ago, said the United Daily News. "I am very happy to act in an international film. I will do my best," the paper quoted Chou as saying in a statement issued by his company JVR Music. Chou won the role after a video-link audition a month ago with the movie's director Michel Gondry ("Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind") and writer Seth Rogen ("Knocked Up"), who will play the lead role Britt Reid, or The Green Hornet, the report said. Chou will start shooting for the film, scheduled to be released on July 9 2010 (in theory), after wrapping up his directorial work for a television series and two concerts in China, it said. Now, please don't get this Chou confused with Stephen Chow ("Kung Fu Hustle") who this time six months ago was set to direct & star in this movie...because he pulled out faster than...I'm just not going to finish that metaphor, if that's okay with you. Director Kevin Smith ("Clerks" etc) has had his hands in this bit for the better part of a decade before he gave up. It could be good...but with build-up like this, who knows? I guess we'll find out next year...allegedly. This movie could be pretty good...but after all the hype, who knows? I'm a little weary of Seth Rogen being the lead. I mean...is it supposed to be an action comedy...from the guy who brought me "Science of Sleep"? I can see the angle of the clumsy, kind-of-out-of-shape billionaire who fights crime...but it's really the Bruce Lee sidekick doing all the work...and then some eye candy (Diaz) drops in...but is Nicolas Cage his evil arch nemesis FU MANCHU? Could his legendary role in "Werewolf Women of the SS" finally be hitting the big screen in a full feature length movie? AAHAHAHAHAAHHAAAAA!!! I guess only time will tell.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Volleyball tonight...but we'll see how that goes. Also gonna catch up on some sleep. Feel like I'm missing a few hours here and there, know what I mean? Of course you do. Have a great day everybody!!! And keep an eye out for those zombies!!! Aim for the head!!!

Dude, Do You Have A Boner?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Please disregard the time this was posted. Well, I may be going to visit my mom in Cheyenne while she's stuck there for a month with work. Her birthday's coming up in two weeks...and rather than have her spend it alone, I may have to go visit and we'll probably swing by Denver again for a night. Maybe meet up with my cousin Ranae for a drink (since she's told me that she misses her downtown drinking buddy a few times). It's pretty open and in theory right now...but I'll keep you posted. Also, just keeping you posted...but the two jobs that I applied for here with the company, I was turned down, almost simultaneously. Why? Because I've only been with this department three months and other applicants have been for years...but they assured me that it was still a very tough decision based on my experience with other departments...and really look forward to having me apply for future positions. You know, the usual stuff...but hey, I'm still supremely confident in my abilities. Plenty of other opportunities here so I'd better just keep updating my resume. Last night, I also drove down to a little barbecue at my brother's to hang out with him, my buddy Isaiah and their respective wives...and that was a lot of fun. I was also pleased to know that my buddy Isaiah (who is basically my brother) feels the same way about my sister-in-law as I do...and frankly, it'd be best that she doesn't screw my brother over again. Sigh...so no other news in my life...so here's the news around the globe...

THE NIGHTMAN COMETH - Perhaps to a theater near you. Danny DeVito (Frank) and his co-stars on FX's "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (quite possibly the greatest show in the history of television) are taking their sitcom on the road, with a live-theater adaptation of last season's musical finale, dubbed "The Nightman Cometh." Actor Rob McElhenney (Mac) said the cast performed some of the songs at the Troubadour club in Los Angeles. McElhenney said the show "sold out two nights in a matter of minutes and it went over really, really well, and Live Nation heard about it and approached us and said, `Hey, would you guys like to go on tour with this?'" Performances will be held September 15th in Boston, September 16th in New York, September 17th in Philadelphia (where it's always sunny), September 22nd in Seattle, September 24th in San Francisco and September 25th in Los Angeles. DeVito, whose credits include the role of Martini in the early '70s off-Broadway revival of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," said the cast had "totally, totally so much fun" doing "Nightman" in Los Angeles "with the fans and everybody that was there. It's been really great to get back there and have that feedback from the audience," the 64-year-old actor said Thursday. And, yes, DeVito sings, too. "He is to singing what Juice Newton was to ... juice," joked co-star Glenn Howerton (Dennis). My God, this may actually get me into a theatre without trickery. Damn it!!! When does Season 4 come out on DVD? September 13th? I want to watch "The Nightman Cometh" now. Did that sound enough like a bratty Baruka Salt? Anyway, we'll see if I can squander a trip out to one of these shows. I can't wait to walk out of a theatre production and say, "I thought the rape scene went pretty well."

Buy a MIG for $5 - Okay, so there are deals...and then there are DEALS!!! Russian investigators are probing the illegal sale of four fuselages of MiG-31 interceptor fighter jets that were sold off for as little as $5, although worth $3.7 million each, RIA news agency said on Thursday. Corruption is rife across Russia, with the country's President Dmitry Medvedev repeatedly pledging to launch crackdowns and repeatedly complaining this week about officials who demand bribes (when it should be the other way around). The sale came to light after an anti-corruption check was carried out to see whether regulations were followed during the sale of items from the Sokol Aircraft Construction plant located in the Russian Volga city of Nizhny Novgorod, RIA reported. "As a result, long-range supersonic interceptor aircraft that were not for sale were purchased by a dummy firm," prosecutors were quoted as saying by RIA. It did not say where the jet bodies had been found (it fell off a truck). So if you're looking to be Top Gun...but are on a bit of a budget...then Russia is the place for you. Sure, the jet fuel to fly it back to the United States is going to cost ya...and there may be more than a few questions by authorities when you enter American air space...but hey, just make sure that you have your license, registration and a legitimate bill of sale with you and it shouldn't be a big deal.

Record Wedding - A Chinese bride (not pictured) is hoping to enter the record books after getting married in a wedding dress with a train more than 2 km (1.2 miles) long trailing behind her. It took guests more than three hours to roll out the gown, complete with 9,999 silk red roses attached to it, in the northeastern province of Jilin, state news agency Xinhua said. "Both the length of the dress and the number silk roses pinned on the wedding dress can make history," the report quoted groom Zhao Peng as saying. Zhao, who has applied to Guinness World Records, said he was inspired after seeing a story on the previous record holder in Romania, where the dress measured just over 1.5 km. "I do not want a cliché wedding parade or banquet," he said. Bride Lin Rong "laughed and cried at the romantic gesture," Xinhua said. The dress cost around 40,000 yuan ($5,856), which prompted initial opposition to the plan from his family. "It is a waste of money in my opinion," said Zhao's mother. "Though I understand that he wants to show his love on the big day." Thanks for upping the ante, Zhao!!! Sure, my plan of proposing with a purple plastic spider ring may seem thoughtful and sweet...but now my future bride may want a wedding train over a mile long and have several thousand tulips woven into it...and a panda as a bridesmaid. I'm just kidding, that story's kind of sweet...and creepy all at the same time. I mean really...who wants a train over a mile long...unless it's hauling coal and other various fossil fuels across the Midwest? I think Zhao's mama was right. Waste of money...but a sweet gesture.

Hypnotist Stifled - Anyone who has ever seen a hypnotist (or a vampire movie) has had this thought...but please, don't act upon it. A South Korean hypnotist has been fined for stealing a kiss on a blind date with a woman he thought he had successfully put in a trance, news reports said Thursday. The 32-year-old man suggested hypnotizing his 27-year-old date during their first meeting arranged by a matchmaking agency in August last year, according to the Dong-a Ilbo newspaper and Yonhap news agency. The woman was eventually persuaded, and the hypnotist chanted: "Black hole! You will plunge deeper into a trance. You will feel thrilled all over your body and if my hand touches your body, you will feel intense pleasure." When the man, identified only by his surname, Park, thought his technique had worked, he went to kiss her...but the woman was fully alert, though her eyes were closed, and she pushed him away. Later, she filed accusations that he had sexually harassed her, the reports said. The Seoul Central District Court fined Park 3 MILLION WON (or roughly $2,453 here in the States). Quite the bill for a kiss...but having share a few meetings of the lips...and if it's shared with the right woman...than it can be worth every single won. Hopefully that was the case here...but I'm guessing probably not. Also, I'm thinking if he had done his whole "Black hole..." speech in a Spanish accent rather than Korean, that probably would've worked a little better. I'll have to remember that the next time I'm in a situation that called for it. Hmm...

Panda Update - My legacy is growing with every push. A giant panda at the San Diego Zoo gave birth to a cub the size of a stick of butter on Wednesday, her fifth cub born in the zoo since 1999. The public can view live video of the cub and its mother, Bai Yun, on the zoo's Web site. The sex of the mostly hairless, pink newborn, which was born around 5 a.m., is not known yet, said Dr. Ron Swaisgood of the zoo's Institute of Conservation Research. It will take about one month for the iconic black-and-white coloration of the giant panda to become visible, Swaisgood said. Its mother, Bai Yun, will care for the newborn by herself until she starts leaving the den regularly, at which time members of the zoo's giant panda team will step in briefly to check on the cub, he said. "She is a very experienced mother. She raised all of her other cubs until about 1.5 years, the natural age for separation. She's a real pro." Weighing in around 300 pounds, Bai Yun is about 1,000 times the size of her cub, who weighs around 4 ounces., the typical size of a baby panda. "Pandas give birth to what's called very 'altricial' cubs. That means they are very small and fragile. This cub would probably weigh about 4 ounces. It would be pink and hairless and completely dependent on the mother." Once again, my invention of Panda Porn is helping to save the species. It'd be nice to get some credit...but hey, when my grandkids can own a domesticated panda because the species has thrived and started reproducing like rabbits, then my legacy will live on. I'm cool with that.

Vick Update - So I assume you guys still remember former NFL quarterback Michael Vick. No? Okay, well he's the quarterback who was one of the most popular athletes in the world, the prototypical mobile quarterback of the future...and then he was the financier of an underground dogfighting ring...and spent the last two years in jail because of it. Well, he's out now...and looking for a job. The thing is...there are very few NFL teams even remotely interested in signing him. Not because he isn't well rested and has really had nothing better to do than work out (and wear suits to court dates) for the past two years...but because they're afraid of the backlash from animal rights groups like PETA. This is ridiculous to me. The man has served his time...and in my humble opinion, MUCH more than he should have served. If he's able to do his job and do it well, then he should be able to be hired without fear of persecution or attack from crazy hippies. Let's face it, there have been a lot worse things done by professional athletes...and recently...like say, vehicular manslaughter while under the influence of alcohol and getting less than a month in jail. Yeah, kinda pissed about it...but hey, what's done is done...and he's paid his dues. Now he's trying to get a job...and being turned down. Only a handful of teams haven't released public statements saying they'll have nothing to do with him...and he may have to resort to the new startup UFL league that I mentioned a few months ago (which may be a HUGE blessing to them) but I have some other suggestions. Now, the worst situation for him...is obviously going back to the Atlanta Falcons. Just a big PR thing there. There's also a few really sh*tty teams out there that should take an chance with this guy...like the Detroit Lions (seriously they can't get any worse...and their #1 draft pick isn't mobile enough or ready for the big time just yet) and the Oakland Raiders (though they have JaMarcus Russell who's supposed to be the same prototype...but their backup is 39-year old Jeff Garcia). The Eagles won't take a chance on him because...I'm not sure why but we Eagles fans did boo Santa Claus and there's probably a few pet lovers in the mix. My top suggestion though, Mr Vick. If you want to play in the NFL, play for the Washington Racists...er, Redskins. Why? Why not? Sure, there'll be more protesters than the few Native American groups left that are trying to get them to change their name. Their quarterback is lackluster. The rest of the team is pretty solid (barring injuries). The owner Daniel Snyder isn't afraid of making ballsy (and often stupid) decisions. Besides, it's the nation's capital. Big market. Hell, PETA might even be headquartered there (or in Vermont or something) and you can do a few PSA's to smooth things over, get a handshake photo-op with Obama, who I'm sure was a huge fan...and even a bigger fan of second chances, yeah it could really work out. However, what I expect to happen, is he'll sign with a UFL team for a contract worth about what I make in a year...and hopefully play for the Las Vegas Knights (still think that's the best name & I should get royalties for it) so that I can see him play a game or two when I'm down there. That'd be sweet. Regardless, Mister Vick, you did screw up...but you've paid your debt to society...and I for one think that you deserve a second chance. If I owned a team, I'd give you a tryout, regardless of what PETA has to say about it...but alas, I'm not a billionaire yet...and by the time that I am, you'll probably be retired by then. Best of luck to you, sir.

That'll do it for tonight. Tomorrow morning (pending weather), I will be helping out a sweet elderly woman paint her house...and then who knows? Laundry, movies, swim in the pool, adventures, silly putty, who knows? Sunday, I'm going to go watch the new "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra" with my dad & stepmom...so I'll be sure to let you know if it sucks or not. In the meantime, have a great weekend everybody!!!

Why Children Will Destroy the Future

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today at work, I had a training class on Interviewing. Now as you know, I like interviewing...because it's about my favorite subject besides sex, ME!!! Don't worry, I didn't share my many wonderful and entertaining examples of how interviewing can go wrong...but it was a fun and helpful class nonetheless. Probably the only part that you might find entertaining was during the introduction, the speaker asked us to say our names, company background...and where we wanted to be in 5 years. Pretty open-ended question, right? Well, of course, I thought it'd be a good time to mention a small portion of my grand scheme. "Hello, my name is $teve, I'm a Taurus, I've been with the company for over nine years now...but in this position for three months. Actually had a few interviews scheduled over the next few weeks...and ugh, in five years, I'm hoping to grow and stay with the company for the benefits...but earn my millions independently by writing a series of children's books & romance novels...or being the new host of Jeopardy when Trebek retires...or opening a gentlemen's club in my basement...or selling a few movie scripts...or all of the above." Apparently I lacked focus...but kept my options opens. I'll be sure to keep you all posted on my progress.

So last night, I represented my company in that "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" competition with the corporate games here in Slick City. Here's the problem that came up: You must have a team of at least two people...and the people who were on my team bailed at the last minute...so it was just me. Okay, we'll go to see if they'll allow just me. No go. So about ten minutes before the competition starts, I'm calling coworkers to stop by just to sign up and waste an hour or so...though I'd keep them thoroughly entertained. I was able to convince Kimmie (from the Incubus concert) to stop by...but yeah, she was just there to observe and give me somebody to talk to while I answered the questions. Long story short, we (by which I mean I) finished 4th...but in my own perspective, I feel that I won...because I did better than the Salt Lake School District team...and they're supposed to be teaching the stuff. So take that!!!

Last night after the competition, I finally watched a show that I had heard about...but because it was in that FOX Friday night timeslot of death, I hadn't been able to see it until it came out on DVD. The series is called "Dollhouse" and it has all the ingredients to entice me. It stars superhottie Eliza Dushku ("Tru Calling", "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back") and is written / directed by Joss Whedon ("Buffy" & "Firefly") but I had no idea what it was about. Luckily, JL Clyde explained to me that it's about "Secret government agency that has a group of “dolls,” i.e. pretty boys and girls (mainly girls) who have no memories and are able to be programmed to do anything. They are hired out to do various tasks and what not, and then come “home” to the “dollhouse” where they are nearly mindless creatures who are looked after by scientists." My response: "You had me at pretty girls who have no memories." So yeah, that's what it's about...and three episodes into it, I really really like it. It's kind of like a mix of "Heroes" & "Tru Calling" but with Joss Whedon's touches...and let's face it, I could watch Eliza Dushku read the phone book all f**king day and night. Anyway, I'd recommend that you check it out based on the three episodes that I've seen...and probably a few that I'll watch tonight. Now for some news...

Goldmember - A Saudi businessman has purchased what is being described by the Canadian seller as the world's most expensive adult novelty item -- a solid 18-carat gold penis enlarger worth nearly $50,000. X4 Labs, a Canadian manufacturer of medical devices, received the unorthodox request and recruited a Montreal custom jeweler to help with its design and construction. "This male health accessory is the most expensive traction device ever produced and will likely become a historical benchmark for the adult novelty industry," the company said in a statement. Little is known about the buyer, except that he lives in Jeddah. His glitzy new penis enlarger, however, is being encrusted at his request with 40 diamonds and several rubies and is to be delivered by armored car in October, said Rick Oh, X4 Labs co-owner. Saudi law bans the import of adult sex toys, but the company insists its product is a US government certified medical device (there's loophole for everything). Such devices normally retail for less than $400 (or so I'm told) but according to Oh this custom order is expected to cost about $47,000. "It's an unusual request. We didn't take it seriously at first, but once he sent us a deposit, we had to agree to it. Obviously, there were giggles initially when we presented our project to a jeweler and asked him for help." But the seemingly lavish device was actually conceived for a practical purpose, Oh explained. "We were approached by the customer who insisted on a solid gold version of our product because he claimed to have a severe skin allergy to stainless steel." Later, the buyer asked to add diamonds and rubies to it...assumingly just because he could...and face it, you probably would too if you had that kind of cash. The company intends to now offer all customers custom designs for their male novelty devices, although it states it is "uncertain as to whether this will become a trend." Product coordinator Matt West said he "is convinced that there is a demographic that is willing to pay for lavish medical devices for their private areas... to pay good money to spoil themselves. There is something tremendously selfish about the male ego, and subsequently 50,000-dollar orders may become the norm for companies like X4 Labs," he said. Yeah, good luck canuck. Let me know how that goes...especially when I happen to know that you won't entertain certain orders involving panda fur. Endangered my ass!!! I'm saving the f**king species. I should at least get a little piece of the action.

How to Save the Planet - Since we were talking about sexual things (as happens so rarely on this blog), I thought I'd let you know about this ditty. For people who are looking for ways to reduce their "carbon footprint," here's one radical idea that could have a big long-term impact, some scientists say: Have fewer kids. A study by statisticians at Oregon State University (GO BEAVERS!!!) concluded that in the United States, the carbon legacy and greenhouse gas impact of an extra child is almost 20 times more important than some of the other environment-friendly practices people might employ during their entire lives - things like driving a high mileage car, recycling, or using energy-efficient appliances and light bulbs. Team member Paul Murtaugh explains, "In discussions about climate change, we tend to focus on the carbon emissions of an individual over his or her lifetime. Those are important issues and it's essential that they should be considered...but an added challenge facing us is continuing population growth and increasing global consumption of resources." Reproductive choices haven't gained as much attention in the consideration of human impact to the Earth, Murtaugh said. When an individual produces a child - and that child potentially produces more descendants in the future - the effect on the environment can be many times the impact produced by a person during their lifetime. Under current conditions in the United States, for instance, each child ultimately adds about 9,441 metric tons of carbon dioxide to the carbon legacy of an average parent - about 5.7 times the lifetime emissions for which, on average, a person is responsible. The impact doesn't only come through increased emissions of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases - larger populations also generate more waste and tax water supplies.Other offbeat environmental impacts have been in the news recently:

One 2007 study found that divorce squanders resources, because people who once shared resources such as energy now use twice as much under two roofs.

The current obesity epidemic may also be hurting the climate, because food production is a major contributor to global warming.

The impact of having children differs between countries. While some developing nations have much higher populations and rates of population growth than the United States, their overall impact on the global carbon equation is often reduced by shorter life spans and less consumption. The long-term impact of a child born to a family in China is less than one-fifth the impact of a child born in the United States, the study found. However, as the developing world increases both its population and consumption levels, this equation may even out. "China and India right now are steadily increasing their carbon emissions and industrial development, and other developing nations may also continue to increase as they seek higher standards of living," Murtaugh said. The researchers note that they are not advocating government controls or intervention on population issues (yet...but we'll see when Al Gore gets a hold of this information), but say they simply want to make people aware of the environmental consequences of their reproductive choices (aka guilt you into not having children). "Many people are unaware of the power of exponential population growth," Murtaugh said. "Future growth amplifies the consequences of people's reproductive choices today, the same way that compound interest amplifies a bank balance." Murtaugh's findings are detailed in a 2009 issue of the journal Global Environmental Change. So there you go. Scientists trying to guilt you into keeping it in your pants...or practicing safe sex...perhaps using their products. Haven't had enough?

Kids Are Expensive - A middle-income family can expect to spend $291,570 including inflation to raise a child born in 2008 to adulthood, the government estimated on Tuesday, up slightly from the estimate made a year ago. That's roughly SIX solid gold penis enlargers (though I assume you'd get some kind of discount ordering six). The estimate covers food, shelter and other necessities for a child to age 18, said the annual report by the Agriculture Department. The figure does not include the cost of childbirth or college. Housing accounts for one-third of expenditures on children. Food accounts for 16%, the same as child care and education, said the Expenditures on Children by Families report. Last year, the USDA estimated it would cost $269,040 to raise a child born in 2007 to age 18, including inflation. The USDA has made the estimates since 1960, when the estimated cost was $25,300 (yeah, that's less than $1600 a year). That's probably why my mom was one of 17 kids, my dad was one of eight...and I was one of two. The department said it planned to have an updated "Cost of Raising a Child Calculator" on the Internet soon. Annual spending for child-rearing ranges from $11,610 to $13,480 for a middle-income, two-parent family, the USDA said. Families with lower incomes will spend less and families with higher incomes spend more (duuuuuh). Expenses are highest in cities in the U.S. Northeast, followed by urban areas of the West and Midwest. They are lowest in rural America and cities in the South. Okay, so those last few sentences were pretty pointless and pretty obvious...but yeah, just thought I'd share that information with you. Does this mean that I don't want kids? Hell no. I love kids. Especially those that I'm not personally responsible for (see Kairi & Vinny among others). I'm not even saying that you should be hesitant to have children if that's truly what you want...because from what I understand, there's nothing like it. It's pretty much the greatest thing that you can do...and it passes along your legacy. However, just be aware that it is an incredible burden financially and to your precious free time (directed at my brother's crack whore wife) and I just want to make sure that you're prepared for that. Also, if you'd rather not have kids but like the other side effects of coitus, please practice safe sex. Anyway, that's my public service announcement for the day. What better way to follow that...than with a WARNING!!!

Apocalypse Update - There were a couple of things wrong with Katie Prewitt's Geo Tracker. There was the rope that seemed to hang from the car's undercarriage...and then that hissing noise; maybe a faulty emissions valve. She took the car into her husband's Klamath Falls, Oregon body shop, but Dave Prewitt wasn't quite sure what to make of the problem, either. He called his friend Martin Schenck, who works across the street at Downtown Automotive, looking for a little help. That's when they saw it: A flash of movement inside the engine, a slithering sort of movement. "It didn't take too long to figure out that sticking our hands in any part wasn't a good idea," Schenck said, who's been working with automobiles for 28 years. The "rope," it turned out, was an angry 3-foot diamondback rattlesnake. How it got there or why is anybody's guess, but it probably snuggled up to the Tracker's warm V6 engine while Prewitt had the vehicle parked at her Pine Grove home. U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service biologist Trisha Roninger said a rattlesnake seeking out such a habitat is unusual. "They're looking for warmth, usually for basking, so that's really bizarre, especially with as warm as it's been in the Klamath Basin," Roninger said. However odd, the snake was still there and Schenck was set on getting it out. He and Dave Prewitt tried squirting it with water as a crowd began to form around the commotion. No dice. Every time someone got close to the vehicle, the buzzing sound started. "It knew when you were getting close to the rig. We assumed it could see us through holes or something." Eventually, the snake's rattling tail slipped out over the right front tire. Schenck grabbed a shovel and another tool — some makeshift chopsticks — and pulled the snake out. He used the shovel to pin the rattler to the ground. The rattle continued buzzing while the snake hissed and snapped at the air. "It was very upset," Schenck said. Schenck decapitated the snake and the Prewitts took the rattle as a memento...and probably formed a belt from the hide. They weren't charged for the service in exchange. So you see, the Serpentine Revolution has crossed the Pacific and moved to the American Northwest. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Think I'm going to watch some more "Dollhouse" tonight and tomorrow, who knows? It's Friday. Have a great day everybody!!! Sex safely...and because I can...here are some more pictures of Eliza Dushku. Ahhh, the little girl from "True Lies" is all grown up now...

The internet's a wonderful & creepy place

I've often wondered if there's a picture of me naked on the internet

There we go! That's much better!!!

Temptation Nation

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Sometimes it's amazing how little is going on with me personally...yet I still seem to feel so busy. Nothing really entertaining or even mildly humorous the past few days...but hey, I'll keep you posted if anything changes. In the meantime, here's some news...

King of Ireland - The annual crowning of a goat as king of Ireland at one of the country's oldest fairs is in doubt after organizers said the heir to the throne may be stopped from traveling to the festival. Traditionally a male goat is caught in the mountains of Kerry in southern Ireland and paraded through the town of Killorglin where he reigns for the three days of Puck Fair, a centuries-old festival of drinking, music and dancing...and then hopefully some pucking. Locals may have to desperately trek the nearby hills after this year's chosen animal from the Northern Ireland town of Ballycastle could only get a four-day license for the trip south of the border. "It takes at least a day to bring a goat from Ballycastle to Killorglan and the goat is on the stand for three days. It's not possible to do that within the four days," Puck Fair chairman Declan Mangan told state radio station RTE in a possibly slurred manner. "The people in Ballycastle are looking for another goat who would be able to come for an extended trip to Kerry. In the meantime we have to look around the mountains here just incase." Mangan said time is already running out for the local goat catcher to find a replacement for the fair which always falls on August 10-12, despite having origins that are not totally known (like most Irish tales it probably starts with "One night, the townspeople were all piss-face drunk..."). "Our problem is if we don't get a goat from the north pretty quick, our goat catch Frank Joy will have to go out onto the mountains and usually he is out for two or three weeks looking for a suitable goat," Mangan said. However the panic could be good news for one lucky goat. "If you are a goat here in the mountains of Kerry, you could well end up being the King Of Ireland for the three days of Puck." Now, for those of you reading this and thinking "What a bunch of drunks! They're making a farm animal the honorary King of the Emerald Isle!" then please, join us this February 2nd when we Americans look to a rodent in a small Pennsylvania town to see whether he will use his omnipotent powers over the weather patterns to determine whether our winter season will last another six weeks. To be honest, I think this Puxatony Phil bastard is the real reason for Global Warming. He must be stopped.

Temptation: Not Just A Way of Life - If you think you're generally good at resisting temptation (like I do), you're probably wrong, scientists now say. "People are not good at anticipating the power of their urges, and those who are the most confident about their self-control are the most likely to give into temptation," said Loran Nordgren, senior lecturer of management and organizations at the Kellogg School of Management, Northwestern University, in Illinois. The result: Many of us unwittingly expose ourselves to tempting chocolate or cigarettes, leading to a greater likelihood of indulging in addictive behaviors. Nordgren reached the conclusion through a series of small, offbeat experiments done primarily with college students (that's your first mistake). The results may hold for the broader population, but that has not been studied. In one experiment, more than twice as many smokers who thought they could resist temptation lit up a cigarette in a no-smoking test as those who realized they didn't have so much control. Those who puff out their chests in the face of temptation have a deflated view of others. "They also demonize others," Nordgren told LiveScience. "They take a very dim view of other people who act impulsively, because they have this belief that they themselves wouldn't act this way." The bottom line, Nordgren says: Avoid situations where such weaknesses thrive, and remember you're not that invincible. The new study, which will be published in an upcoming issue of the journal Psychological Science, builds on past research showing that when not in the "heat of the moment," individuals have a hard time understanding the depths of their cravings. "If you aren't feeling a cigarette craving or hunger or sexual arousal at this moment, I believe you have a real difficult time appreciating the transformative force of those experiences," Nordgren said. And most of the time, we aren't gripped by impulse, he added. To figure out how this so-called cold state (opposite of the "gripped by impulse" state) influences behavior, Nordgren ran experiments on:

Hunger pangs: Seventy-nine university students and employees rated a list of snacks from least to most favorite and then selected one. Participants were told, "You can eat the snack anytime you like. However, if you return the snack to this location in one week, we will give you four Euros (and you will get to keep the snack you chose)." Questions also measured participants' level of hunger. Satiated participants exposed themselves to more temptation, generally choosing their first or second favorite snack, while the hungry individuals selected their second or third favorite item. Those with full bellies were also less likely to bring back an uneaten snack (ugh...probably because they ate it, thus their bellies are full), Nordgren said.

Cigarette cravings: Fifty-three university students who smoked were placed into a high- or low-control group, in which a bogus test suggested each had either a high or low capacity for impulse control. Then, the participants had to watch a film called "Coffee and Cigarettes" without smoking. Participants chose their level of temptation with corresponding levels of payoff. They could either keep the unlit cigarette in another room (lowest), on their desk, in their hand, or in their mouth (highest). On average, low-control students chose to watch the film with the cigarette on the table, and those who thought they could easily resist temptation chose to keep the cigarette in their hand. About 33 percent of the high-control students caved and smoked during the film, while just over 11 percent of the low-control participants lit up.

Mental fatigue: An experiment of 74 college students revealed those who were drained mentally reported having less control of mental fatigue than their bright-eyed counterparts. The "sleepy" students also said they intended to leave about 53% of their studying to the last minute, compared with about 60% for the non-fatigued group. The thinking is that the alert students couldn't appreciate the enormous drawbacks of having a drained brain and so chose to leave more studying to the last minute. The study has implications for all corners of our personal lives, Nordgren figures. For instance, can a recovering alcoholic attend booze-saturated parties and stay sober? Can a dieter frequent his favorite dessert buffets and refrain from binging? Can a committed husband have drinks with a past fling without fear of infidelity? "The answer is probably no. People have less self-restraint than they think, a false belief that often leads people to expose themselves to more temptation than they can handle." In addition, he added, the study results suggest people often can't predict how they will react in a given situation. "It's not just about eating and addiction, but the 'cold self' has a really hard time understanding what you're capable of in a moment of despair, in a moment of rage (or Passion)." So there you go. Perhaps you're not the master of your own destiny that you think you are...because you're not in the thick of it. Don't worry, it applies to me too. Perhaps if I were thrown into a grotto full of beautiful nymphomaniacs with a thing for tall handsome nerds, I wouldn't be the beacon of self control that I pride myself on being. Well, there's only one way to find out. Mr Nordgren, let me know when you need me for that experiment. I'll bring my bathing suit. In the meantime, here's more news that has absolutely nothing to do with Temptation.

Megan Fox Day? Really? - So...apparently while I was hanging with the Wingmans and too busy to check my local newspaper (do they still print those?), there was some kind of boycott on Megan Fox on blogs for the day of August 4th because...well, I guess some people wanted to celebrate her by ignoring her...or some people were sick of hearing about her (but certainly not looking at her) or depending on the website that mentions her (ironically in trying to ignore her) the reason differs...but yeah, that was yesterday...and today is not yesterday...so I'm allowed to mention her. So for an update, she's still super hot. She's apparently filming "Jonah Hex" with the likes of Josh Brolin and John Malkovich. She's still technically single...but has the ability to be with just about anybody living or dead if she so desires. Admit it. You'd f**k her. It's okay. Everybody knows already. Hell, my grandma would f**k her. Your pet turtle would. The scent of lilacs would. To resist her is futile. She is the Borg of sexual appeal. I forget what my point was...so here's some more pictures...

Indecent in Sudan - Police used teargas to disperse protesters rallying in support of a Sudanese woman facing 40 lashes for wearing trousers (yeah, like pants trousers) in public Tuesday, a case that has become a public test of Sudan's indecency laws. Lubna Hussein, a former journalist and U.N. press officer, was arrested with 12 other women during a party at a Khartoum restaurant in July and charged with being indecently dressed. Women's groups have complained that the law gives no clear definition of indecent dress, leaving the decision of whether to arrest a woman up to individual police officers. Dozens of men and ululating (good verb meaning to howl, hoot or lament loudly and shrilly) women gathered outside a Khartoum court room where Hussein appeared Tuesday, carrying banners with the message "No return to the dark ages" and "Lubna's case is a case for all Sudanese women." Speaking after the hearing, Hussein said the judge had adjourned her case until September 7th. "They want to check with the U.N. whether I have immunity from prosecution. I don't know why they are doing this because I have already resigned from the United Nations. I think they just want to delay the case," she told Reuters. Hussein said she resigned from her U.N. job last week to give up any legal immunity so that she could pursue the case to prove her innocence and challenge the decency law. Journalists were allowed into the downtown court building, but a line of police prevented them from entering the room where the case was heard. Hussein went on to greet her supporters, gathered on a traffic island, then led them on a march, blocking a busy road (which is a far worse public nuisance than wearing trousers but whatever). In a rare and short unauthorized rally, they flashed V-for- Victory signs and received supportive hoots from passing cars ("TAKE IT OFF!!!"). Armed riot police advanced toward the crowd, beating their shields with batons. Officers later fired teargas canisters into the air, forcing the crowd to disperse. "We are against this law. It is against women, against Islam (not so sure about that) and against human rights," said Zainab Badradin, one of the women in the crowd. 20-year old Nusayba Abdel Mahmoud wore jeans to the rally and said, "I want to send a message to the government to stop harassing women. This is what I wear. It is normal." Indecency cases are not uncommon in Sudan, where there is a large cultural gap between the mostly Muslim and Arab-oriented north and the mainly Christian south. Hussein has attracted attention by publicizing her case, posing for photos in her loose green trousers ("Now show me fierce. Show me fierce. You're a tigress.") and inviting journalists to campaign against dress codes sporadically imposed in the capital. "Her main argument is that her clothes are decent and that she did not break the law," defense lawyer Nabil Adib Abdalla told Reuters shortly before the hearing. "Failing that, we will ask for a stay of the proceedings to challenge the trial in the constitutional court ... We are saying the law is so widely drafted that it contravenes her basic right, her right to a fair trial." Hussein told reporters 10 of the women arrested with her pleaded guilty and were whipped (forty times) the day afterwards. U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon last week said he was "deeply concerned" by the case. As am I. Miss Hussein, I support your cause. Women (and men for that matter) should be allowed to wear whatever the hell they want (if anything at all) regardless of age, weight, race, religion, language, creed, fashion sense, ability to recognize color, or anything else of that nature. Well, except maybe having to wear something so as not to spread disease by sitting bare-ass at a restaurant or something...but yeah, other than that, go nuts. Believe me, I am a bit of an authority on decency in my country. That is why I'm calling for a grass roots movement here in the States. Ladies, wear whatever the hell you want...and show your support for your right to do so (I think it's part of the First Amendment). If you want to wear a muumuu to Wal-Mart, do it. Green socks with orange shoes, go for it you rebel. Going Lady Godiva on your moped, please remember to wear a helmet and the rest of the road burn is up to your discretion...but be sure to take pictures and send them here so that I can forward them to Miss Hussein to show that the United States supports her rights. I can't emphasize the pictures enough...because as the cliché goes, "A picture is worth a thousand words (and several thousand dollars if you know how to sell it properly)." Kudos Miss Hussein!!! These pictures are for you...

(Es)Sex Taxi - Leave it to Vermont to be on the cutting edge of meeting transportation needs in these times of economic...we'll say clusterf**k. When Eric Hagen started Recession Ride Taxi in Essex, Vermont, he took more questions than fares. Everyone wanted to know if the sign reading "Pay What You Want!" on the back of his taxi was for real. It is, and Hagen says he hasn't been shortchanged yet. He offers pay-what-you-can bottles of water, Gatorade and soda and a free ride after six paid fares. He tells the Burlington Free Press that business has been good. Most of his transactions are in cash...but he's also received a CD from a musician and a $10 supermarket card. Hagen has been offering his taxi service Thursday through Sunday nights since June. When he's not a taxi driver, the 46-year-old Hagen works full time for the American Red Cross. Great idea. I like it a lot. It promotes fair pricing and having a designated driver...which is something I'm all for. "So...I pay what I think the ride was worth?" "That's right, Neil Patrick Harris.." "Ugh...okay, how about I give you five?" "Five bucks would be great." "No, I mean...you know, high five?" "What?" "Put your hand up like this." "Okay?" SLAP!!! "Thanks playa!!! Sorry about the love stains on the seat."

Strip Club in Basement - This one gets last mention because it's a great summation of all the Temptations - Sex, Alcohol, Drugs, Convenience, Strip Clubs, Illegality, and worst of all...Minors. Police investigating a noise complaint in arrested a 28-year-old woman they said was operating an illegal strip club in her basement and garage. Gwinnett County officers said they also found a sign at the home reading "1 Dollar Jello Shots" and minors drinking alcohol when they investigated on July 18th. The woman faces a misdemeanor charge of maintaining a disorderly house and remains free on $1,300 bond. Another woman who lives with the suspect said the whole thing was just a misunderstanding. She said friends threw the suspect a party to celebrate her birthday and newly renovated home. She said that there were no strippers or underage drinking. Police also arrested a 20-year-old guest whom they said lied about his age and was found carrying marijuana in his mouth (perhaps in fatty form). He has been released on $3,900 bond (How many kilos can you get with that $3900?). That's not a bad idea if you ask me. I'm sure in Georgia the fines are substantially less than if I were to do the same thing here in Utah (because we're prudes and haven't heard about the whole separation of church & state thing yet) but think about it...you can make a few hundred, possibly thousands of dollars a night running your own strip club in your basement and/or garage...and you only face a fine of about $1300 (maybe a slow week's worth). Plus you're not bothered with all that rigmarole about building permits, business licenses, property taxes, health insurance, employee benefits, profit sharing, and any of those other BS expenses that come up when you try to start your own business. I'm thinking underground (literally) strip clubs are the way to go. Just to be clear, I'm not condoning doing anything illegal...because I believe the laws are there for a reason (and that reason is usually to screw me out of my cash) but a Wiseman once said, "It's better to ask forgiveness than permission."

Anyway, I'll leave you all with that image of me, as the sleazy guy out to make a quick buck while simultaneously giving in to my Temptations (and not just the Greatest Hits album from the Motown artists). Join us next time when I ramble about things in the news and pull whimsical situations out of my keester and ululate (my new favorite word) to the masses via the interweb. Wish me luck with the "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" competition tonight. I'll explain tomorrow. Have a great day everybody!!! FREE QUEBEC!!!

Shamma Llama Ding Dong

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Friday night after work, I headed straight for Cedar City. A journey of just over 250 miles (or about a three-hour drive with pit stops). Now, my car Brandy isn't the fastest car on the block...but the speedometer only goes to 85...and I'm pretty sure that if I had a flux capacitor that I'd be back in 1955 right now...and that was just going with the flow of traffic. Good to know that if I needed to make it to Vegas for whatever reason, that I could do it make it in about five hours...and a tank of gas. Anyway, made it down there, met up with the Wingmans and we got a few adult beverages and watched "Van Wilder: Freshman Year" which is a new straight-to-DVD sequel to the legendary Van Wilder series...and though not nearly as good as the previous installments...still had its moments. It's what you would expect really.

Saturday, we had breakfast at Denny's and then traveled to about five different thrift stores and grocery stores for various items, then we drove out to Kanarraville Canyon for what was supposed to be a beautiful hike...but they had closed the road up there for some reason, so then we went to a park next to a creek in Cedar City (I think it had a convenient name like Cedar City Creek Park...but I'm not sure) and had some fun there...as these pictures will confirm...

By the way, remember when I went to Vegas a few weeks ago?

This was the present that Keanna made for me

Finally downloaded the pics...but this was the only PG-13 (I wish...)

Please tell me what the f**k this is

The coolest tie ever. Why?

It has a panda being sexually assaulted by Mickey Mouse

Ducktales Shotglasses - Collect the whole set

At the Christian Thrift Store

This one's just too funny...

Don't feel bad. I had to read it twice too

This book was a BUCK!!!

Kanarraville

Cedar City Creek Park Place Swimmy Thing

This is Tawnie. She's a big bitch...and due to have puppies soon

That night, we headed over to to Buck's (Wingman's dad) have a wonderful dinner of Asian Chicken salad ala Wingman with all the fixin's. Do you remember Buck? He's an awesome guy who always makes sure that you're comfortable in his home. However, in the past year or so, he's been in a bit of a dry spell because...well, his now ex-wife was a whore...and as he put it, two things you don't share are your toothbrush and your wife. Shortly after saying that, he looked me in the eyes and said, "So how's your sex life, $teve?" I didn't know how to react to a man in his sixties asking me that question other than, "We're pretty much in the same boat, buddy. It's been a long time since shore leave." It's always sad to see good guys go without. Anyway, enough of that depressing stuff. After dinner, we watched "12 Rounds" starring WWE's John Cena. The story is about a New Orleans police officer (Cena) who assisted in the capture of an international arms dealer. During the arrest, the dealer's superhot girlfriend is killed (by her own stupidity) so a year later, the guy breaks out...and holds a grudge against him. So the arms dealer kidnaps the cop's girlfriend...and makes him do these 12 tests or whatever to get back at him. Sound a little far-fetched, well it's not as bad as you would think. It's directed by Renny Harlin ("Long Kiss Goodnight" & "Die Hard 2") so you know it's full of action...but yeah, it's not incredible. I did like that it's set in New Orleans so you get to see a lot of the city...but yeah, only okay in my book. It's good to see wrestlers in movies though. Why? Because then you KNOW that it's fake...and there's really no excuse for thinking that it's real.

Sunday was a busy work day...but we started the morning with Pfannkuchen at Buck's (German Pancakes) then we starting putting things away within the house, you know, to make walkways...because that place was jam-packed with moving boxes and pantry food. The Wingman & I even made a canopy that would impress the Amish given the materials that we had and could withstand the winds of Iron County...all in the merciless heat. Why did I spend my weekend helping these guys instead of going to have yet another debaucherous weekend in Vegas? Because that's what friends do. Anyway, fast forward a few hours of labor, throw in a spaghetti dinner at Buck's, end it with a three-hour drive back to Slick City...and then I went right to bed ready for a busy Monday.

Monday morning started a little earlier than usual...but only because I had an interview for another job at the same location (can't believe it's already been 90 days). This was for the job with the contacts in Tahoe that I mentioned a few weeks ago. The interview went exceptionally well...and I'm fairly certain the only way that I'm not going to get this job based on my experience, skill set, charming personality and work ethic...is if this job was basically predetermined beforehand (which does happen a lot) but I'm pretty optimistic that I'll have a new, shinier badge before long...and carry an even bigger gun to match. So yeah, I'll keep you posted...and a few other local job opportunities came up, so we'll see how those go too.

After work, I played for the company's volleyball team...and it was my first time playing in probably 7-8 years...and it showed a little bit. However, by the end of the matches, I was starting to get back into the swing of things. We did okay. Won the first game by forfeit, then lost a close second game due to some questionable refereeing...but whatever. We had fun...and got a good sweat going. What more could you ask for? Tomorrow, I play "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" for my company. That's a lot of pressure...but I think I'll be okay. I still have the maturity of a 5th grader, so hopefully that helps out. Wish me luck.

Fortune Cookies of the Day - Today was a double dipper because...well, I'm awesome. First was "Your First Choice is Always the Best to Follow...in bed" - Yeah, I'm pretty damn happy with my first choice. Really miss her sometimes...but hey, she's happy and I'm happy and we're happy...even if it's not together. Next up was "Be Tactful - Do Not Overlook your own Opportunity...in bed" - So I should practice tact, which is always a strong suit of mine (stop laughing). In doing so, I will be able to see my opportunity. Sounds like a plan. I'll let you know how it goes.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Big thanks again to the Wingmans & Buck for hosting me over the weekend. I hope that you're all having a wonderful time wherever you're reading this from...and if not, I'll probably have more kooky stories and dreams and obscure news stories in the near future. Just been kind of busy...and the "borrowed" internet situation has become cumbersome. Have a great day everybody!!!

Nothin' Like a Warm Dickens Cider

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Thursday night after work, I went to see my cousin Alicia who was in the hospital. Don't worry, she's fine. She just had a road removed from her leg from a previous surgery...but she was super excited to see me...and I didn't stay long because she almost immediately passed out thanks to the drugs in her IV and I didn't want to stay around and chat with my Aunt Pat for more than I had to. After that, I went home, then met up with JL Clyde for a sam'ich at the Robin's Nest. They have some pretty fine sam'iches there. Oh...and did I mention that she's going to San Francisco for a week with work? Well, she is. I'm not jealous at all.

Friday night, I watched "Dial M for Murder" which is yet another Alfred Hitchcock movie...and oddly enough, stars the lovely Grace Kelly. Surprise, surprise. This movie is pretty awesome though. Basically, a man discovers that his beautiful wife (Lady Kelly) is having an affair while he's been away for the past year...and he devises a plot to have her murdered. However, murder is never like it is in the movies or books, nothing goes according to plan...and then that's when the real story begins. It's actually a pretty gripping tale...and if you're into detective stories (even when you already know all the details involved) I would highly recommend it. There are twists, turns, insights, theories, a dash of humor, and a whole lot to keep you thoroughly gripped. One odd thing is...there was an intermission. Now, epics like Gandhi, Gone with the Wind, Sound of Music, Ben Hur and other 3-4 movies that aren't Lord of the Rings had an intermission...but this one was about 100 minutes long. Did every classic have an intermission? Anyway, just a thought I had. Go rent it if you can. The rest of the weekend was down in Cedar City with the Wingmans...but I'll save that until tomorrow...because I haven't downloaded the pictures yet. In the meantime, here's the news...

Stealing Beaches - Since we're on a mystery trip, here's a little number from south of the border. Surprised tourists found their little piece of Cancun beach paradise ringed by crime-scene tape and gun-toting sailors on Thursday. Why? Murder? Shark attacks? Standard drug cartel shootouts? Nope. Environmental enforcement officers backed by Mexican navy personnel closed off hundreds of feet of powder-white coastline in front of a hotel accused of illegally accumulating sand on its beach. Mexico spent $19 million to replace Cancun beaches washed away by Hurricane Wilma in 2005. But much of the sand pumped from the sea floor has since washed away, leading some property owners to build breakwaters in a bid to retain sand. The practice often merely shifts sand loss to beaches below the breakwaters. "Today we made the decision to close this stretch of ill-gotten, illegally accumulated sand," said Patricio Patron, Mexico's attorney general for environmental protection. "This hotel was telling its tourists: 'Come here, I have sand ... the other hotels don't, because I stole it.'" Patron said five people were detained in a raid for allegedly using pumps to move sand from the sea floor onto the beach in front of the Gran Caribe Real Hotel. The hotel is also suspected of illegally building a breakwater that impeded the natural flow of sand onto other hotels' beaches. An employee of the hotel's marketing office said nobody was available to comment on the allegations. Authorities said the hotel owner ignored previous orders to remove the breakwater. A knot of angry tourists gathered around the closed beach. Some were irked by the sight of police tape and "Closed" signs. Maria Bachino, a travel agent from Rocha, Uruguay, said by telephone that she had booked a beachfront room in Cancun, only to find herself cut off from the clear, bathub-temperature waters that lure millions to Cancun each year. "They promised us a beach. This is very unpleasant, we feel bad. This is intimidating," she said of the armed navy personnel who participated in the raid. Patron said he regretted any inconvenience for tourists, but said the government is planning projects to restore beaches throughout Cancun in an orderly, environmentally responsible way. "I apologize to the tourists for this problem, but it is a question of enforcing the law," which allegedly is a big deal in Mexico. So yeah, that'd suck. Save up for a vacation in Cancun...and then have armed guards on the shores. Nice.

Because I'm a Nerd - New laser propulsion experiments are throwing light on how to build future hypersonic aircraft and beam spacecraft into Earth orbit. Indeed, a "Lightcraft revolution" could replace today's commercial jet travel (as would teleporters). Passengers would be whisked from one side of the planet to the other in less than an hour - just enough time to get those impenetrable bags of peanuts open. Furthermore, beamed energy propulsion can make flight to orbit easy, instead of tenuous and dangerous. That's the belief of Leik Myrabo an aerospace engineering professor at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, NY. He's an expert in directed energy applications, aerospace systems, space prime power, and advanced propulsion. For the past three decades, Myrabo's burning desire has been to create and demonstrate viable concepts for non-chemical propulsion of future flight vehicles through his research and company Lightcraft Technologies, Inc., of Bennington, Vermont. "Typically, a new propulsion technology takes 25 years to mature...to the point where you can actually field it. Well, that time is now," Myrabo told SPACE.com. The brightest new news in beamed energy propulsion is that experiments are now underway at the Henry T. Nagamatsu Laboratory of Hypersonics and Aerothermodynamics at the IEAv-CTA in Sao Jose dos Campos, Brazil (whew...). The work is being sponsored under international collaboration between the United States Air Force Office of Scientific Research and the Brazilian Air Force. Basic research experiments using high-powered lasers are underway in Brazil, with experts investigating the central physics of laser-heated airspikes and pulsed laser propulsion engines for future ultra-energetic craft. At the Brazil-based lab, a hypersonic shock tunnel is linked to two pulsed infrared lasers with peak powers reaching the gigawatt range - the highest power laser propulsion experiments performed to date, Myrabo said. "In the lab we're doing full-size engine segment tests for vehicles that will revolutionize access to space. It's real hardware. It's real physics. We're getting real data...and it's not paper studies. Right now, we're chasing the data. When you fire into the engine, it's a real wallop. It sounds like a shotgun going off inside the lab. It's really loud." The laser propulsion experiments, Myrabo added, are also relevant to launching nanosatellites (weighing 1 to 10 kilograms) and microsatellites (10 to 100 kilograms) into low Earth orbit. Creating and flying Myrabo's "highways of light" has been a methodical and step by step undertaking. Back in 1996 through 1999, he flew Lightcraft prototypes via a 10 kilowatt high-power infrared laser at White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico. In 2000 - sponsored under a grant to his company - he established a new world altitude record of over 230 feet (71 meters) for laser-boosted vehicles in free fight. Myrabo points to his new book "Lightcraft Flight Handbook, LTI-20," co-authored with John Lewis and recently published by Apogee books, to explain his quest for low-cost, safe space access with beamed-powered Lightcraft (because seriously, why else would you buy it?). "The physics of high-power beamed energy propagation through the atmosphere...there's not a lot of expertise out there to make this stuff real. It's completely out of the conventional box. I've been working on it for 30 years. I know how to do it." For decades, Myrabo said, what laser propulsion physicists have been hungry to achieve is a couple of dollars per watt of laser energy. "We're here now. It's a matter of will and do we want to do it. This technology is now at the cusp of commercial reality." We shall see. It does sounds like it's COMPLETELY out of the box...but hey, so did flying like a bird...or the world being round...or the possibility of having thousands of your favorite albums of music in something smaller than a credit card...but guess what, it happened. It just took time and ingenuity. Good luck, Mister Myrabo. Now let's see, back to the normal stuff...like nudity in advertising...

Banned in Bama - Alabama's ban on a wine that features a nude nymph on the label became a business opportunity for a California vintner who is preparing a marketing campaign to capitalize on being "Banned in Bama." The Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board recently told stores and restaurants to quit serving Cycles Gladiator wine because of the label. Board attorney Bob Martin said the stylized, art-nouveau rendition of a nude female with a flying bicycle violated Alabama rules against displaying "a person posed in an immoral or sensuous manner." Bill Leigon, president of Hahn Family Wines in Soledad, California, said Thursday that visits to the company's Web site have increased tenfold since news of the ban broke late last week, and callers from across the country have been asking where they can buy the wine. Because of the interest, he's developing store displays that say "Banned in Bama" and "Taste What They Can't Have in Alabama." Hahn said he will never miss the 500 cases sold annually in Alabama. "There is going to be a significant increase in our sales," he predicted. Rosanna Guardagno, a social psychologist at the University of Alabama, said a ban often increases people's interest in a product. "The ABC Board, without realizing it, is going to boost their sales," she said. The wine's label is copied from an 1895 French advertising poster for Cycles Gladiator bicycles. It shows a side view of a full-bodied nymph flying alongside a winged bicycle. Martin said the ABC Board rejected the label last year, which meant the product wasn't supposed to be sold in Alabama. A citizen recently sent a bottle to the board to show it was still being sold in the state, prompting the letter to restaurants and stores to stop sales. Hahn's president said he was unaware of the ABC Board's rejection until the letter was sent to retailers. He said the poster is a classic piece of art, with originals selling for as much as $50,000. Although nude art bothers the alcohol board, it's not a problem for some other branches of Alabama government. The Alabama Tourism Department distributes a brochure with a cover featuring Hiram Powers' 19th century nude statue, The Greek Slave, which is on display at the Westervelt Warner Museum of American Art in Tuscaloosa ("Nope, I use denture grip"). It is available in museums statewide, interstate highway welcome centers and visitors' bureaus statewide. "We haven't had any concerns about it," Tourism Director Lee Sentell said. And Alabama's Capitol has historic paintings on display, including two that show several topless female Indians. Guardagno, who studies social influences, said people allow more freedom of expression in art than in advertising. "With art, you have to be really explicit with how a person's body is displayed before people are offended," she said. So Alabama has a problem with mixing nudity & alcohol. That's okay. I think they're also one of two states with bans on cigarettes until you're 19...with Utah being the other. Whatever. That's their thing. They have to maintain high standards. After all, they are the state of Forrest Gump.

Not So Banned in Bama - A 37-year-old woman was arrested and charged with padding her bra with methamphetamine (police were tipped by the Picasso proportions). DeKalb County, Alabama Sheriff Jimmy Harris said the woman was arrested Tuesday and charged with trafficking in controlled substances. Harris said authorities pulled the woman over for a traffic violation and searched her car. During a pat down, an officer found a pound of meth hidden in her bra, worth about $13,000. She was released from the DeKalb County jail Wednesday on $30,000 bond, James Bond. Yeah, just thought I'd throw that in there. Really nothing else to say other than meth is a bad idea.

Vegas Update - Police in Las Vegas say a tamed tiger that escaped from a magic act has been captured. Police say the residents in the city's northwest section reported seeing the tiger wandering their streets Thursday night. Police Lt. Les Lane says the cat belongs to Fernando's Brothers magic act. He says the cat got loose, but "they got it back into custody." The cat was found in a resident's backyard. Animal Control and Metro Police are investigating the incident. You know, maybe it's not such a bad thing that I'm not living in Vegas right now. The economy's struggling, yet recovering. At least half the drivers on the freeways are over the legal blood alcohol limit (and that's a pretty low estimate honestly). People vomit all over the streets. Now, there's the threat of tigers roaming the streets. TIGERS!!! This isn't India, this is Vegas. Next there are going to be snakes taking over the police precincts...or more fittingly, gangs of French contortionists stirring up trouble, emo magicians stealing our souls and our playing cards, Donny & Marie singing again, The Rat Pack, Elvis & Elton John all rising from the grave, another Carrot Top movie, OH YES!!! Perhaps this is another sign of the Apocalypse. In fact...yes, yes I am putting this on the list...along with snakes commanding Florida, David Spade impregnating a woman and snow storms in Vegas & New Orleans simultaneously.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I'll update you on the weekend soon...but it was a LOT of fun and we got a lot done too. Big thanks to the Wingmans for putting up with me...and next time, we're making a run to Vegas to celebrate your new home. Have a great day everybody!!!