Showing posts with label jay-z. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jay-z. Show all posts

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Jay-Z & Beyonce: On the Run Tour

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
 
Monday night, I watched a movie that I had been anticipating for almost a year now called “Protector 2” starring Thai martial arts movie icon Tony Jaa… and the RZA from Wu Tang Clan (and has found a nice niche for him in kung fu movie roles the past few years). As you may recall, I hold the original Protector (2005) as elite level prestige when it comes to my beloved genre of martial arts movies, mostly due to the almost inhuman abilities of Tony Jaa… and some of the great choreography involved in filming the fight scenes by director Prachya Pinkaew including the almost legendary seven-minute continuous shot action sequence from the original. Well, because it was so awesome, they had to do a sequel… but due to the star Tony Jaa going off to be a monk for a few years, it took about 8 years to happen. Okay, the story of the original is a Thai man named Kham (Jaa) raises elephants in the country… and masters Muay Thai… some bad guys kill a father elephant & run off with the baby elephant to Sydney… and then VENGEANCE!!! Spoiler alert: He gets the baby elephant back. In the sequel, the baby is now a teenage elephant… some bad guys offer to buy him, “He’s not for sale!”, “You’ll be sorry…”, “We shall see. Hey retarded villager, could you watch my home & elephant for a few minutes while I go to town to pick up some coconuts?”, “Sure thing”, spoiler alert: The elephant gets stolen again… but at least they kept it in Thailand this time around. Oh, there’s something about a peace treaty between East & West Katana (fake countries?) and an underground fighting ring ran by a guy named LC (The RZA) though it’s never really shown how money is made or anything like in “Man of Tai Chi” but that’d be plot development& there’s no need for that really. As a wise action filmmaker once said, “Plot is the sound that poop makes when it hits the sidewalk.” To exact his VENGEANCE and save his beloved elephant, he tries to track down the thieves… but instead gets framed for the murder of one of the lower-level baddies, incidentally meets up with his buddy Mark from the first movie (now working with Interpol) and basically has to fight his way through a bunch of seemingly random groups of people until… honestly, the bad guy holding him just kinda holds the elephant hostage & makes him do jobs for him. There’s your plot. You’re watching this movie for the action though. If you’re doing it for anything else, you’re related to a cast member.
 
Now… for the action sequences, they were pretty good… but there was a LOT more CGI in this one… and fairly obvious too. Where the original had a lot of real but obviously staged scenarios, this one had… well, there was a scene where a bunch of guys on motorcycles are after Kham… and for every decent real life stuntman, there’s a poorly animated sequence. There’s another scene were the walls of a small area are COMPLETELY ON FIRE from burning oil or something… so instead of getting out of there, the fighters jump off the wall so their shoes start on FIRE & start fighting… again, pretty ridiculously animated fire too… and I won’t even get into the fact there’d be smoke inhalation and BOILING SKIN in that situation. Yet another scene has… I can’t even believe I’m about to type this out… the two main badasses Kham and a henchman named “Number Two” stand on an electrified train rail to fight… and when they punch, not only are there sparks from their hands like Thor… but the sounds are EXACTLY those of lightsabres from Star Wars. Ugh… anyway, with all of that being said, it’s not a horrible martial arts movie. Some of the sequences are pretty cool… some are rather dull & pointless… some are laughably stupid. If you’re a fan of the genre, check it out. If not, watch the original or something. I only kinda enjoyed it… and I’m almost glad that they didn’t have it in theatres in the Bay Area as I would’ve felt like I wasted $30. Sorry Tony! Glad to see you’re out of retirement though! Now get with the director of “Expendables 4” and a great translator! What’s that? YOU JUST SIGNED ON FOR THE JCVD CLASSIC “KICKBOXER” REBOOT??? Oh… you’re not the most malicious badass villain in all of fight movie history Po… that’ll be played by Dave Bautista… but I’m still insanely intrigued… sigh… and for you joining the “Fast & Furious” franchise in a few months… and apparently “Raid 3” which just sounds f**king EPIC!!!
  
Tuesday night was director Oliver Stone’s latest film “Savages” starring Taylor Kitsch, Aaron Johnson, Blake Lively, Benecio Del Toro, Salma Hayek & John Travolta (briefly). The story is about a couple of Laguna Beach pot growers (Kitsch as a former solider turned enforcer & Johnson as a hippie botanist with a heart of Maui Gold) who do pretty damn well for themselves… and so then a Mexican drug cartel wants in… they want to remain independent… and they kidnap THEIR girlfriend (Lively). With the help of a pocketed DEA agent (Travolta), they try to get her back… but does it mean doing exactly as the cartel says… or taking action. It’s been a while since Oliver Stone has had a decent movie. Some may say that he never really has… but they’d be wrong. “Platoon”, “JFK”, “Natural Born Killers”, “Any Given Sunday”, even “The Doors” were all really decent films even if a little preachy and conspiracy theory at times… but those were all back in the 90’s. This movie though… was actually pretty damn good in my opinion. I mean… aside from a few essential plot holes & points for suspension of disbelief in order to go along with the story… you get the feeling of a rough, edgy, kinda creepy, morally conflicted, dangerous tale of doing dirty things with the best intentions to start. I actually enjoyed this film. If you’re a fan of these shoot-em-up, drug cartel kind of movies… then by all means, watch this one too.
 
Now, the major plot device of this movie was kind of the major problem I had with the movie from the start… the shared girlfriend by these two guys.  I mean… Blake Lively is hot… and though there’s really no evidence of it in the movie, I’m sure her character is the epitome of female perfection in the sack while at the same time just being a pretty typical SoCal blonde with no real direction or skills that these two guys tag team on but… it’s just really weird... and it REALLY didn't help that she was the narrator throughout the film. Maybe I’m not a Millennial and this is a new thing… but I wasn’t exactly along for the ride with the whole Butch & Sundance thing either (directly referenced in this movie by the way). Don’t get it twisted, I’m all about the “They stole my family/girlfriend/master/dog so now I must get them back” VENGEANCE angle… but just the whole, “Hey bro… the Mexican drug cartel just kidnapped our lady… ugh… O? Was that her name? We should go get her…” “Ugh… actually bro… I think I’m just kinda bisexual and ugh… I was really in this thing for you.” “What? Me too! Let’s run off to Indonesia together! We can pick up a few SoCal blondes on the way if you want… or just find some new side trim while there… or just cut out the middle man & bang each other!” “OKAY!” Spoiler alert: That didn’t exactly happen… but that was kind of what I was expecting. The main female character O isn’t really developed at all… other than she’s essentially a slutty pothead. Her backstory is… well, eh… her moral compass is spinning all over the place… I just, couldn’t really get behind whatever it was they were trying to set up with that. However, once I basically broke it down myself to “They were trying to get out of the game but got pulled back in, when they stole the woman they loved, now shit’s getting real…” and just went from there, it was okay. I feel like they were… maybe trying to add some kind of new wave Shakespearean element… and it just didn’t work for me. Aside from that though, Benecio Del Toro is menacing as always… everybody else does a decent job… I assume Travolta got paid handsomely for 3-4 days of shooting… welcome back to decent films, Mr. Stone!!!
 
Wednesday night was the long awaited concert event of the DECADE (maybe?) when hip hop’s first family Jay-Z & Beyonce filled up AT&T Park for two shows with their “On the Run Tour” and… everything about this event was EPIC!!! Of course, AT&T Park is a venue of 40,000 plus screaming fans (though I think with the layout of the show, probably about 30-35k spectators). The show… high volume… like probably rattling the neighbors windows. The performance… AMAZING!!! Now… Beyonce is a f**king force. I may not be the world’s biggest fan of her or anything… but she can sing, dance, do ALL that sh*t… for 2.5 solid hours… and still look like a billion with a B. Game recognize Game… and she can shut it down by herself. Now through in her husband, the legendary S-dot-Carter, best rapper alive (and probably dead too), CEO of the ROC, HOV!!! And you’ve got TWO FORCES hitting the stage at the same time!!! Because there are so many hits between the two of their careers, most of the concert was like a medley of their hits… interjected with these whole Bonnie & Clyde video segments directed by Melina Matsoukas… but yeah, pure energy for 150 minutes… one of the best concerts of my LIFE!!! Here are some photos…
 









Sidenote: I did feel a little bad because… well, there  was a maybe five-foot Latino woman in the seat behind me… so yeah, she didn’t get the same view that I did… and I tried to be nice when the people in front of me weren’t there or standing up so that she could see… but needless to say, that was like 2% of the show… the rest of the time instead of seeing Beyonce’s gyrating booty, she had to watch mine… sucks for her… but I got over that real quick… I mean… the alternative was me sitting in my seat & not seeing the show so that her short ass could see… everything else in the world is built for you missy… enjoy it… but I done paid for my seat. HOV!!!
 
Anyway, that’s about all I’ve got for the past few days… more fun stuff coming up this weekend. Have a great day everybody!!! IT’S THE ROC!!!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Divine Abortion

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
 
Utah is just moments away so I’m excited for that… and I’m now officially certified to operate ATVs & other recreational vehicles in the state of Oregon… so I’m ready to go for my NEXT next trip. Despite marital strife currently separating the Wingmans, I’ll still be spending a wonderful time with Dizzy, Chick’n’Wing & her family eating crab all f**king day in the beauty of the Columbia River. It’s gonna be EPIC!!!
 
So Jay-Z released his new album entitled “Magna Carte Holy Grail” this week, so of course, I purchased it sight unseen (or rather unheard) because the man is basically one of my idols & doesn’t really steer me wrong in the music department. He’s even the subject of my first (and so far only) Music List with the same criterion as my Movie Lists (medals, suggestions, flush it, etc) a few years back. When his worst album to date is “Kingdom Come” and it’s still better than 90% of the stuff out there (maybe more) then I’m okay with purchasing for $12 opening week for what’s typically about 50-60 minutes of music (this one was just under an hour I think). I’ve given the album a few listens through… because I hate to jump to conclusions… and a great album will grow with time… but so far, it’s not among my favorites. Just saying… I’ll let you know if it grows on me but… we’ll see. Still the greatest though!
 
Last night I watched “Broken City” starring Russell Crowe, Catherine Zeta-Jones & Marky Mark Wahlberg… and directed by Allen Hughes of the Hughes Brothers. Surprisingly, it was actually kind of a new age spin on the film noir like “Chinatown” that I saw last week… but set in New York City & a little flashier and faster paced than normal. Anyway, the storyline is similar… there’s a cop (Marky Mark) who was involved in a questionable shooting so he was fired & became a private investigator. Well, his old buddy the mayor (Crowe) asks him to tail his wife (Jones) to find out who she’s having an affair with, conveniently right around election time. Well, he tails hers… and finds out that she’s been hooking up with his rival’s campaign manager… or is it something far more sinister? The campaign manager shows up dead, Marky Mark is implicated, more bodies show up, his girlfriend stars in a tasteful snuff film, he’s back on the wagon, things are spinning out of control… but he has to clear his name somehow. That’s all I’m going to tell you on the plot… but it was pretty good. There are a few things that were a bit of a stretch… and even a few awkward moments that seemed out of place… that also oddly enough, I remember were all in the previews that I saw on TV for the movie… so not sure what that’s all about… but it was decent. Not great, not horrible… kind of what you expected. I enjoyed it. Here’s some news…
 
Divine Abortion Attempt? - A couple and their newborn are miraculously recovering after being hit by lightning last week. Albuquerque residents Ian Gordon and his pregnant girlfriend, Kendra Villanueva, had been watching the fireworks and began to head inside as a lightning storm started to move in on July 4th. Unfortunately, they couldn’t escape the strike. They were hit under a tree in front of Gordon's mother's house. "I had turned and started walking," Gordon told Action 7 News. "And next thing I remember, I woke up on the ground. My car alarm was blaring and I was dazed. I didn't know what happened." Gordon suffered a ruptured ear drum where the lightning either entered or left his body. Villanueva had a bleeding finger where the electricity had left her body. She worried about her unborn child. "I woke up and I didn't think she was going to make it for sure,” Villanueva said. Luckily, first responders in the area were minutes away and got to the couple quickly. Villanueva had to be rushed to the hospital for an emergency C-section. Her baby was born and although doctors aren’t sure yet, they think Kimberly Samantha Rose Gordon will be fine… except that she has too many names already… and she has definitely earned her nickname. "Last name's Gordon… so little Flash Gordon,” Gordon told station KRQE. FLASH! AAAAAAAH!!! The couple got to thank the emergency workers who saved their lives and ensured the safe delivery of the baby. The team received the "hero's coin," presented by the Albuquerque Fire Department. To avoid strikes during lightning season, April to November in most areas, follow simple precautions. Start by checking the weather. If a lightning storm is coming, stay indoors if possible. If outside, stay away from trees, or higher ground, and if you're in the water, get the f**k out! If your hair stands on end, lightning is about to strike — FEMA advises you to make yourself as small as possible by squatting low to the ground with your hands over your ears and your head between your knees… apparently like you’re fully prepared to be violated by Zeus’ rod… of lightning of course. Congratulations Gordons! You all survived essentially unscathed… but if there’s anything that I’ve learned from scary movies… Death will continue to hunt you down… at least until it’s no longer profitable. Be safe out there!
 


 
Cell Phone Shocker – In other shocking news, Apple Inc is investigating an accident in which a Chinese woman was killed by an electric shock when answering a call on her iPhone 5… while it was charging, the U.S. technology company said on Monday. Last Thursday, Ma Ailun, a 23-year-old woman from China's western Xinjiang region and a flight attendant with China Southern Airlines, was electrocuted when she took a call on the charging mobile telephone, the official Xinhua news agency quoted police as saying on Sunday. "We are deeply saddened to learn of this tragic incident and offer our condolences to the Ma family. We will fully investigate and cooperate with authorities in this matter," Apple said in an e-mail. Apple declined to comment on details… such as whether this was an isolated case (insert dramatic music). Ma's sister tweeted on Sina's microblog saying that Ma collapsed and died after using her charging iPhone 5 and urged users to be careful, a message that went viral on the site. In April, Apple apologized to Chinese consumers and altered iPhone warranty policies in its second-biggest market after its after-sales service suffered more than two weeks of condemnation by the state-run media. I know it’s not a huge surprise if you actually think about it… but cell phones are killing people. It’s no longer brain tumors (THAT’S why I text so much) that take years to develop… now it’s straight to electrocution. Sure, maybe it was an isolated incident in which her hand grazed a frayed wire on the charger cord, while she was wearing her favorite sequin jumpsuit & giant superconductive earrings, standing in a tub of water & somehow it was just the direct charge from the outlet racing through her body that killed her… but still, be careful out there. The last thing we want to hear about is more machines turning on their creators. My God! First cell phones, then sexbots… then wood chippers! We wouldn’t stand a chance! That is… unless they see snakes as more of a threat… then perhaps that epic battle (totally thinking about “Pacific Rim” right now) could help to eliminate our top two threats… and by then we could probably form an alliance with Zeus to eradicate the surviving droids & serpents. ALL HAIL ZEUS!!!
 
Alternative to the Zeus Alliance – Or there’s this other method… Imagine this: There's no need to throw out your old cellphone… because it will self-destruct. Yes, I love Mission: Impossible too… but that's the idea behind a project at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (French for “malt liquor”), where researchers are investigating how to build electronics that vanish in water. (Spoiler alert: They all kinda do already… but just stop working… but please continue) John Rogers is a professor of Materials Science and Engineering at the university. Rogers says the goal of the "born to die" program is to design transient technology that can dissolve at the end of its useful life, thus saving space in landfills and reducing waste. By which I assume he means a predetermined useful life (6-12 months?) and somewhere around halfway through that life, half the parts already disintegrated… but that’s okay… because if one or two parts disintegrate it already stopped working long ago… like two weeks after you started it & before you loaded all your contacts. Anyway, that’s my own little angle, back to the story. The research team isn't there yet (GASP!!!). But it has designed a chip built on a thin film of silk that dissolves when hit with water. Well heck, they’re already half way there to making a completely self destructing cell phone… which will certainly revolutionize the world… if not just the drug dealing industry with these supremely disposable phones. Also, next time that it rains… yeah… I don’t think they really thought this one out too well… but best of luck to you Professor Rogers. Fun Fact: As I was typing this up... my girlfriend was telling about how her new laptop fried within four months of existence. F**k your ideas, sir! Instead try making something that works... FOREVER!!!
 
Superman Update – Okay… it’s not really a Superman update… but still. Thailand's premier university has apologized for displaying a billboard that showed Adolf Hitler alongside Superman and other superheroes, saying Monday it was painted by ignorant students who didn't realize Hitler's image would offend anyone (really?). The huge billboard was placed outside the art faculty of Chulalongkorn University as part of a tribute to this year's graduating class. It said "Congratulations" in bold white letters and showed Hitler with his arm raised in a Nazi salute next to Batman, Captain America, the Incredible Hulk and Iron Man… who they apparently believe instead of forming the Avengers & Justice League joined Hitler in the Legion of Doom.  "(We) would like to formally express our sincere apology for our students' 'Superhero' mural," art school dean Suppakorn Disatapundhu said in a statement issued Monday. "I can assure you we are taking this matter very seriously." The billboard was up for two days before being removed Saturday in response to criticism. Online photographs showed graduating students in their robes, mimicking Hitler's raised arm salute. Suppakorn said that freshman art students had painted the banner as part of a traditional send-off from incoming students to the graduating class, and it was one of dozens of banners and billboards across the campus during the university's commencement period. The artistic vision behind the picture was to show that good and bad people co-exist in the world, Suppakorn said after summoning the students for an explanation. "They told me the concept was to paint a picture of superheroes who protect the world. Hitler was supposed to serve as a conceptual paradox to the superheroes," he said, noting that the superheroes were painted in vivid colors, while Hitler's image was in grey scale. "This kind of thoughtless display will not happen again." No sh*t! The Simon Wiesenthal Center, an international Jewish human rights group, had criticized the banner prior to its removal. "Hitler as a superhero? Is he an appropriate role model for Thailand's younger generation — a genocidal hate monger who mass murdered Jews and Gypsies and who considered people of color as racially inferior," Rabbi Abraham Cooper, associate dean at the center, said in a statement Friday. "The Simon Wiesenthal Center is outraged and disgusted by this public display at Thailand's leading school of higher education." The study of history in the Thai school system revolves primarily around the history of Thailand and its long line of kings. World history is glossed over, with little or no mention of the Holocaust. Now… before you start criticizing that aspect of their world history lessons, keep in mind, you didn’t even know that Thailand had kings until you just read that last sentence… unless you’re into Tony Jaa movies (PLEASE COME BACK!!!). Yes, it’s atrociously stupid… and basically the equivalent of Harvard presenting a special art exhibition with an entry entitled “King Anand Raping an Elephant on a Mound of Cocaine while its Offspring Watches” briefly… but still, how were we supposed to know? Good job, Thailand! Next time… keep in mind, that the still-bleeding head & spinal cord of Hitler being held by Superman ala Mortal Kombat fatality giving a smile & a thumbs up… probably wouldn’t have even been mentioned. By the way, both the “King Anand…” & “Flawless Victory” depicted above are patent pending. Sorry would-be billionaires off my ideas…
 
Anyway, that’ll end it for today I think… have a great weekend everybody & I’ll catch up with you after my Utah adventure!!!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Sexy Sexy Science




Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Great football this weekend!!! Seriously, the Saints – 49ers game was definitely one for the ages. The home team is now one win away from the Super Bowl… with the bastard NY Giants standing in the way. GO NINERS!!! The Tebow magic has died down momentarily with a humbling loss to the Patriots… but they’ve already announced that he’s pegged as the starter for next year so that’s a good start. Hopefully over the offseason he can become a more pure quarterback… but with undeniable heart & athleticism. Remember, Tom Brady wasn’t always Tom Brady… but he worked hard and it came to be. If there’s one thing I’ve learned the past few years… it’s to never doubt Tebow!!! Thank you & God bless…

Saturday, I searched for a suitable laptop as my current laptop is about a decade old & on its last leg… or whatever the equivalent would be for a laptop. It’s been frustrating me… and so I ordered a new one (costs $200 less online as opposed to directly with my local Best Buy so… yeah, I can wait a week). While I was at Best Buy though, they had a special on pre-owned PS3 games… so basically I walked out of there with four “old” games (Duke Nukkem Forever, Infamous, Dead Rising 2 & NHL 2011) for about $30, which is awesome. I’ll let you know if they’re any good. Oh, I also upgraded my PS3 from a 60GB hard drive to a 500GB drive, so I can start using its full capabilities (music, video, etc) instead of just a few demos downloaded of the Playstation Store. So yeah, Saturday was upgrading my technology… until football started.

Sunday was the start of another basketball season & we played a pretty good game. I wasn’t my best at all… missed a lot of easy shots & free throws… but that kind of happens when I’m matched up against a guy better suited for left tackle & loved taking good, firm cheap shots whenever he could. Seriously, guy had a hundred pounds on me… but I still destroyed him game-wise. I can’t guard everybody though… and like I said I was missing shots when/if they were getting me the ball, but I still had about a dozen points which wasn’t too bad considering the rib shots, getting my knee whacked good & a chop to the throat that all still kind of ache a day or so later. We ended up losing by four points… but we really should’ve dominated. I’m a little disappointed in myself… but hey, next game. Can’t change the last one. We’re still not really playing as a team much… but the only time we see each other is at the games so, no real plan of attack other than whatever comes to mind during the game… and everybody wants to take shots but not do the dirty work.

Monday, I found out that I could do a chat with my brother on his PS3… using my webcam for my laptop & a Bluetooth from a game that he bought me last year called “Warhawk” so that’s okay. Got to see him & C-Rock in a grainy ass way. Why do I mention this? Because my mom has a PS3 as well… and so now once in a while, she can probably do the same thing… and when the niece & nephew visit on weekends, they get to see their Uncle $teve on the TV when they talk to him (and the connection will actually be quite a bit better than my cell phone). That’s awesome to me, so I thought I’d share it with you. You’re welcome! Anybody else who wants to get in on this PS3 chat tip, drop me a friend request at SJK69. That’s right, that’s my ID, deal with it. You know you love it.

Tuesday morning, I did my taxes bright & early because… well, they’re really simple… you know, finally having one job in one state for an entire year will do that… and basically, my return was nearly double what it was last year living in Tahoe. Why? Well obviously I was getting paid a lot more as well as I didn’t go on unemployment for 3 weeks. There were also a few moving expenses deductions in there so yeah, good times. Moving out here to San Francisco has been a fairly good financial situation for me thus far. On top of the taxes, I’ve been ballin’ out of control with several vacations & road trips, but with all the money I’m saving on stuff like gas, I’m able to save a few hundred bucks a month. It would be even better if I could avoid parking tickets, ordering $30 pizzas, extravagant mixology experiments when I’m already buzzed, and other stuff like that… but it’s all part of the experience. I’m really happy here… but yeah, it does get a little lonely… but hey, only one way to change that… and I’m working on it. I’m a charming & good looking guy, I just need to get out there & do something with it. That’s all. Anyway, enough about that, here’s the news…

Jay-Z / Beyonce Update - A newly discovered horse fly in Australia was so "bootylicious" with its golden-haired bum, there was only one name worthy of its beauty: Beyonce. Previously published results from Bryan Lessard, a 24-year-old researcher at Australia's Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization, were recently announced on the species that had been sitting in a fly collection since it was captured in 1981 — the same year pop diva Beyonce was born (and yours truly). He says he wanted to pay respect to the insect's beauty by naming it Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae. Lessard said Beyonce would be "in the nature history books forever" and that the fly now bearing her name is "pretty bootylicious" with its golden backside. "Bootylicious" was the title of a song by Beyonce's previous group, Destiny's Child. It's unknown if the rare species is a bloodsucker like many female horse flies (and other species, I said it!!!). Lessard says he was unable to find any live specimens when he went looking in 2010 in northeast Queensland's Atherton Tablelands, where it was captured three decades ago. However, at least one member of the public has alerted him that he was recently bitten by what's locally called the "gold bum fly." The description of the fly was earlier published in the Australian Journal of Entomology, but the results were announced last week. Lessard says he hasn't heard from Beyonce, who recently gave birth to her first child, but he is a fan and hopes she will take his scientific gesture as a compliment… and maybe say heeeeey? He also said the name was picked to help draw attention to the importance of his field and the need for more researchers to catalog and study insects. Horse flies are "vital pollinators of native plants, not just in Australia, but all over the world. It's extremely important to name all the undescribed species so we can measure our human impact on the environment and hopefully protect it for future generations to enjoy." See? Some nice marketing for scientists out there… even the ones that study bugs, which granted isn’t even the sexiest job in the scientist community (been a while since a sexbot update). However, it is vital important as they say. I know here in California its of major importance with regards to bee populations helping all our fruits, vegetables & nuts to grow so that we can feed the world. Keep up the good work… and I hope Beyonce hollas back… otherwise, I’d rename it to “Bug-a-boo”!!! (PS Also a Destiny’s Child song, just so you catch the joke)

Barbie Update - Iran's morality police are cracking down on the sale of Barbie dolls to protect the public from what they see as pernicious western culture eroding Islamic values, shopkeepers said on Monday. As the West imposes the toughest ever sanctions on Iran and tensions rise over its nuclear program, inside the country the Barbie ban is part of what the government calls a "soft war" against decadent cultural influences. "About three weeks ago they (the morality police) came to our shop, asking us to remove all the Barbies," said a shopkeeper in a toy shop in northern Tehran. Iran's religious rulers first declared Barbie, made by U.S. company Mattel Inc, un-Islamic in 1996, citing its "destructive cultural and social consequences." Despite the ban, the doll has until recently been openly on sale in Tehran shops. The new order, issued around three weeks ago, forced shopkeepers to hide the leggy, busty blonde behind other toys as a way of meeting popular demand for the dolls while avoiding being closed down by the police. Yes, this is the same Iran that’s trying to be a nuclear power. I’m thinking that it’ll eventually work itself into black market Barbie sells. A range of officially approved dolls launched in 2002 to counter demand for Barbie have not proven successful, merchants told Reuters. The dolls named Sara, a female, and Dara, a male (really?) arrived in shops wearing a variety of traditional dress, with Sara fully respecting the rule that all women in Iran must obey in public, of covering their hair and wearing loose-fitting clothes. How have the consumers spoken? "My daughter prefers Barbies. She says Sara and Dara are ugly and fat," said Farnaz, a 38-year-old mother, adding that she could not find Barbie cartoon DVDs as she was told they were also banned from public sale. Pointing to a doll covered in black long veil, a 40-year-old Tehran toy shop manager said: "We still sell Barbies but secretly and put these in the window to make the police think we are just selling these kinds of dolls." See? You have to go to bodegas to get your blonde fix… and sex sells, baby! Yes, even in the doll game. Iran has fought a running battle to purge pervasive western culture from the country since its Islamic revolution overthrew a western-backed king in 1979, enforcing Islamic dress codes, banning Western music and foreign satellite television. As another swipe at the West, Iranians will soon be able to buy toy versions of the U.S. spy drone that it captured in December, Iranian media reported. Models of the bat-wing RQ-170 Sentinel - which Iran's military displayed on TV after it was downed near the Afghan border - will be mass produced in a variety of colors, reports said. Eh… we’ve got plenty of the real thing & are always improving on them. Enjoy your toys… and our Barbies.

Laser Clark Gable – Well, it’s been a while since THE Clark Gable has made some news… so now it’s up to his progeny… even if it’s a little on the crazy side. Clark Gable's 23-year-old grandson has been sentenced to 10 days in jail for pointing a green laser at a Los Angeles police helicopter as it flew 800 feet over Hollywood. City News Service says the judge, who gave Clark James Gable credit for one day already served in jail, also placed him on three years' probation. He was sentenced Thursday. Gable pleaded guilty last month to felony discharge of a laser. He flashed the laser three times at the helicopter while riding as a passenger in a car on July 28. Officers aboard the helicopter pinpointed the source of the 52-milliwatt laser and directed officers on the ground to make an arrest. That’s right. You can go to jail for some childish sh*t. Keep that in mind next time you play with those little lasers. I know they’re fun… but if Clark Gable can go to jail for it… you don’t stand a f**king chance.

Most Beautiful Scientific Theories – Okay, this is a warning… but I’m about to nerd up on ya… so prepare yourself. From Darwinian evolution to the idea that personality is largely shaped by chance, the favorite theories of the world's most eminent thinkers are as eclectic as science itself. Every January, John Brockman, the impresario and literary agent who presides over the online salon Edge.org, asks his circle of scientists, digerati and humanities scholars to tackle one question. In previous years, they have included "how is the Internet changing the way you think?" and "what is the most important invention in the last 2,000 years?" This year, he posed the open-ended question "what is your favorite deep, elegant or beautiful explanation?" The responses, released at midnight on Sunday, provide a crash course in science both well known and far out-of-the-box, as admired by the likes of Astronomer Royal Martin Rees, physicist Freeman Dyson and evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. Several of the nearly 200 scholars nominated what are arguably the two most powerful scientific theories ever developed. "Darwin's natural selection wins hands down," argues Dawkins, emeritus professor at Oxford University. "Never in the field of human comprehension were so many facts explained by assuming so few," he says of the theory that encompasses everything about life, based on the idea of natural selection operating on random genetic mutations (aka the Platypus). Einstein's theory of relativity, which explains gravity as the curvature of space, also gets a few nods. As theoretical physicist Steve Giddings of the University of California, Santa Barbara, writes, "This central idea has shaped our ideas of modern cosmology (and) given us the image of the expanding universe." General relativity explains black holes, the bending of light and "even offers a possible explanation of the origin of our Universe - as quantum tunneling from 'nothing,'" he writes.

Many of the nominated ideas, however, won't be found in science courses taught in high school or even college. Terrence Sejnowski, a computational neuroscientist at the Salk Institute, extols the discovery that the conscious, deliberative mind is not the author of important decisions such as what work people do and who they marry. Instead, he writes, "an ancient brain system called the basal ganglia, brain circuits that consciousness cannot access," pull the strings. Running on the neurochemical dopamine, they predict how rewarding a choice will be - if I pick this apartment, how happy will I be? - "evaluate the current state of the entire cortex and inform the brain about the best course of action," explains Sejnowski. Only later do people construct an explanation of their choices, he said in an interview, convincing themselves incorrectly that volition and logic were responsible. That’s a pretty interesting theory, in my humble opinion. A kind of scientific explanation for “going with your gut” even if it’s against logic… and then later basically convincing yourself that it seemed like the best decision at the time. Hmm… I don’t see how that could apply to my life at all (please disregard the last 3+ years of this blog). To neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky of Stanford University, the most beautiful idea is emergence, in which complex phenomena almost magically come into being from extremely simple components. For instance, a human being arises from a few thousand genes. The intelligence of an ant colony - labor specialization, intricate underground nests - emerges from the seemingly senseless behavior of thousands of individual ants. "Critically, there's no blueprint or central source of command," says Sapolsky. Each individual ant has a simple algorithm for interacting with the environment, "and out of this emerges a highly efficient colony." Among other tricks, the colony has solved the notorious Traveling Salesman problem, or the challenge of stopping at a long list of destinations by the shortest route possible. Also very interesting… here are a few others mentioned in the article…

Stephen Kosslyn, director of the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences at Stanford, is most impressed by Pavlovian conditioning, in which a neutral stimulus such as a sound comes to be associated with a reward, such as food, producing a response, such as salivation. That much is familiar. Less well known is that Pavlovian conditioning might account for placebo effects. After people have used analgesics such as ibuprofen or aspirin many times, the drugs begin to have effects before their active ingredients kick in. From previous experience, the mere act of taking the pill has become like Pavlov's bell was for his dogs, causing them to salivate: the "conditioned stimulus" of merely seeing the pill "triggers the pain-relieving processes invoked by the medicine itself," explains Kosslyn. Science theories that explain puzzling human behavior or the inner workings of the universe were also particular favorites of the Edge contributors:

* Psychologist Alison Gopnik of the University of California, Berkeley, is partial to one that accounts for why teenagers are so restless, reckless and emotional. Two brain systems, an emotional motivational system and a cognitive control system, have fallen out of sync, she explains. The control system that inhibits impulses and allows you to delay gratification kicks in later than it did in past generations, but the motivational system is kicking in earlier and earlier. The result: "A striking number of young adults who are enormously smart and knowledgeable but directionless, who are enthusiastic and exuberant but unable to commit to a particular work or a particular love until well into their twenties or thirties." Wait… they KNEW about this & did nothing to help my enormously smart ass? DAMN YOU SCIENTISTS!!!

* Neurobiologist Sam Barondes of the University of California, San Francisco, nominates the idea that personality is largely shaped by chance. One serendipitous force is which parental genes happen to be in the egg and sperm that produced the child. "But there is also chance in how neurodevelopmental processes unfold - a little virus here, an intrauterine event there, and you have chance all over the place," he said in an interview. Another toss of the dice: how a parent will respond to a child's genetic disposition to be outgoing, neurotic, open to new experience and the like, either reinforcing the innate tendencies or countering them. The role of chance in creating differences between people has moral consequences, says Barondes, "promoting understanding and compassion for the wide range of people with whom we share our lives."

* Timothy Wilson nominates the idea that "people become what they do." While people's behavior arises from their character - someone returns a lost wallet because she is honest - "the reverse also holds," says the University of Virginia psychologist. If we return a lost wallet, our assessment of how honest we are rises through what he calls "self-inference." One implication of this phenomenon: "We should all heed Kurt Vonnegut's advice," Wilson says: "'We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.'" True dat…

* Psychologist David Myers of Hope College finds "group polarization" a beautiful idea, since it explains how interacting with others tends to amplify people's initial views. In particular, discussing issues with like-minded peers -increasingly the norm in the United States, where red states attract conservatives and blue states attract liberals - push people toward extremes. "The surprising thing is that the group as a whole becomes more extreme than its pre-discussion average," he said in an interview. So in other words, putting crazy people in the same room make them crazier than the sum of their parts? Don’t worry, the opposite works too like Tony Robbins said, where if you surround yourself with people that you want to be like, then you’re more likely to become like those people.

* Martin Rees, professor of cosmology and astrophysics at the University of Cambridge, nominates the "astonishing concept" that what we consider the universe "could be hugely more extensive" than what astronomers observe. If true, the known cosmos may instead "be a tiny part of the aftermath of 'our' big bang, which is itself just one bang among a perhaps-infinite ensemble," Rees writes. Even more intriguing is that different physics might prevail in these different universes, so that "some of what we call 'laws of nature' may ... be local bylaws." I assume that whoever came up with that idea was probably smoking a joint with some buddies, as I’ve heard stuff like that growing up all the time. Good work, scientists! I dig your ways of thinking.

Anyway, that should do it for today. Gonna be a busy couple of weeks coming up but hey, that’s why I get paid the big bucks… and leads to big tax returns. BOO-YAH!!! Maybe I’ll finally get that chalice to complete my ensemble. It’s been so long since this pimp has had a proper drinking receptacle. This weekend should also be some good times with the 49ers playing in the NFC Championship for the first time since I could drive a car legally. GO NINERS!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Up Close & Personal in 3D



Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Starting off with a funny story… I was sitting with my roommate Pixie and one of her friends watching TV last night… and we saw a commercial for the soon-to-be released “Beauty & the Beast” in 3D, which obviously everybody is going to line up around the block of the movie theatres to see. Well, her friend mentioned that Titanic is apparently being released later this year… also in 3D. So Pixie said, “Are they just going to release every movie with a soundtrack by Celine Dion in 3D now?” Which immediately led to one of the most awkward movie titles ever… starring Robert Redford & Michelle Pfeiffer… yes, it’s “Up Close & Personal… in 3D”. Come on now, you all remember the song. “You were my strength when I was weak… You were my voice when I couldn’t speak…” Seriously though, the title is just awkward… and that got me thinking of a few other movie titles that wouldn’t really work with the 3D addition… such as the new depressing as hell Tom Hanks one coming out “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close… in 3D” doesn’t sound appealing at all. Or “Definitely, Maybe… in 3D” well, is it going to be in 3D or not? Or among one of the lamer movie titles to begin with… but I remember it because it was released on my 21st birthday & stars Angelina Jolie and an oft-accused doppelganger of mine, Ed Burns (I blame the nose) but that movie… “Life or Something Like It… in 3D” just seems pretty vague & pointless to watch. I don’t know… any others out there that come to mind that wouldn’t work with “in 3D” added?

Jay-Z Update – First & foremost, congratulations to Shawn Carter (aka Jay-Z) and his lovely wife Beyonce Knowles on the birth of their first child, daughter Blue Ivy Carter. By the way, I was so sure that she was going to be named Brooklyn… but that’s a side note now. This is also a baby name update, just so you know… because I always thought that Blue was a boy’s name AND color… but still, congratulations to both of you & I understand the need to have distinctive names that nobody else has in the entertainment industry. I’m sure that’s a great significant meaning behind it… or something. Like the initials B.I.C. as a tribute to Biggie. Or maybe it’s just because it’s the colors of the soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets, which Jigga partly owns. In further news, Blue Ivy is not even a week old, but she is already making music history. Billboard says that thanks to her dad, Jay-Z, featuring her on his new song, "Glory," Blue becomes the youngest person to ever appear on its chart. Jay-Z released the song about his first-born child with wife Beyonce on Monday, and it immediately became a viral sensation. The song, which credits B.I.C., features the sound of Blue's cries at the end. The song's refrain is "The most amazing feeling I feel/Words can't describe what I'm feeling for real/ Maybe I paint the sky blue/My greatest creation was you. You. Glory." Now, the song will enter Billboard's chart next week at No. 74. Blue was born Saturday, and her parents confirmed her birth Monday... so less than a week old and she’s already rockin’ the charts. It must run in the family…

Beethoven’s Bummer – Speaking of musical genius, a rare handwritten letter by legendary German composer Ludwig van Beethoven complaining about illness and a lack of money has turned up at a northern German institute as part of a bequest, causing excitement among lovers of the composer. The Brahms Institute in the northern city of Luebeck said the six-page letter bearing the composer's signature and original seal was, in essence, an attempt to sell his well-known "Missa solemnis" mass which he completed in 1823. In the letter, Beethoven asks harpist and composer Franz Anton Stockhausen to help find advance buyers for the mass. But most striking are details about his personal circumstances, such as his financial concerns, an eye disorder and an attempt to track down a music-loving dentist who wrote to him, said Stefan Weymar, music researcher at the institute. "My low salary and my illness demand efforts to make a better fortune," said Beethoven in the letter, which has turned yellow with age and needs to be stored in special conditions and handled with gloves. Beethoven, 53 at the time of writing, went on to say that the education of his nephew was costly and that the boy would need support after his death. The black writing, which slopes to the right, looks messy and is marred by corrections and crossings out. "Beethoven was not a composer with beautiful handwriting. It is spontaneous and he wrote things, then crossed them out, his thoughts changed as he went on and that is the impression the letter gives," Weymar told Reuters. At the end, he wrote "all letters to me need nothing more than "To L. v. Beethoven in Vienna," where I receive everything." The missive ended up in the hands of music teacher Renate Wirth, a descendant of the recipient. "The bequest is of extraordinary historic value -- a piece of luck for the Brahms Institute. The value of the Beethoven letter is valued at over 100,000 Euros (about $120,000)," said Institute head Wolfgang Sandberger. Born in the western German city of Bonn in 1770, Beethoven moved to Vienna as a young musician and become one of the most celebrated composers of all time, straddling the classical and romantic eras. His deafness in later life makes his musical accomplishments all the more astonishing. Beethoven died in 1827, four years after the letter was written, and is buried in Vienna. His Moonlight Sonata for the piano and dramatic four-note opening to his Fifth Symphony are among the best known pieces of classical music ever written. His Ode to Joy, part of the Ninth Symphony, has been adopted as the EU's Anthem of Europe. "The appeal of a letter handwritten by Beethoven is certainly very great," Michael Ladenburger, head of the Beethoven House museum in Bonn, told Reuters. That appeal is reflected at auctions -- a shopping list with just six words on it was auctioned for 60,000 Euros last year. His letters are rare and the length of this one, with the insight it gives into his personal life, make it very interesting indeed." The Brahms Institute will put the letter on show from next week. Wow… just think about it. During his life, he was struggling to get by financially (at least by his standards) and stricken with deafness, an eye ailment, so much hardship. Yet now, his music is regarded as some of the best ever composed & little checklists to himself made for groceries are being auctioned off for nearly six digits. By the way, if you haven’t seen Gary Oldman rock his Beethoven in “Immortal Beloved” you seriously need to go rent that tonight. Great flick. Anyway, just a little tidbit about how sometimes greatness goes unappreciated in your lifetime… but if you’re truly great… sometimes you get recognition down the road. Sad but true. Be strong, brothers & sisters.

Greatest Wish Ever!!! – Okay, I’ve worked quite a bit with the Make-A-Wish Foundation back in the college days… and it’s truly a great organization. Life is about experiences and there’s really nothing better than the smile on a terminally ill child’s face when you can make their dreams come true. Most wishes are cute things like going to Disneyland (like I am in March with the niece & nephew), play catch with an NFL quarterback, see the Grand Canyon, stuff like that… but there was one that I read about that I REALLY liked. Why? Because it’s now on my bucket list. A 7-year-old boy with cancer was granted his wish… to blow up a building… more specifically, to push the detonator and implode a massive grain silo in Ohio. WUPW reports that Maxwell Hinton, who is suffering from Neuroblastoma, was granted the request by the Make-a-Wish Foundation. "I got cancer, Neuroblastoma, and I went through treatment and they made a wish for me," Hinton said. "I watch MythBusters and they inspired me to blow a building up." That’s right, even more destruction involving educational programming… and by the way, side note: Where’s Kari Byron at? Doesn’t anybody know she was the real reason people watched that show? Back to point, the ConAgra grain mill was already scheduled to be demolished, making way for the sale of 11 acres of property as part of a four-year renovation project. An estimated 30,000 local residents turned out to watch Hinton help blow up the building. "It's been a great experience for him, but it's a great experience for this whole area," said Doug Studer, who helped to organize the fulfillment of Hinton's wish. Warms the cockles of your heart, doesn’t it?

Well, this weekend is more football as we come down the stretch of the NFL season. The Saints are in town, Tebow goes to New England to work miracles, the Texas go to Baltimore & the Giants will hopefully be dismantled by the Packers. Also, I think this weekend is when I’ll look for that new laptop so I can more readily bring you my updates. Seriously, my current laptop is about to get shanked… but then again, it’s about 10 years old & just pathetic by today’s standards. Also, I’m thinking about hitting up the Contemporary Jewish Museum as it’s the last week of an exhibit about Harry Houdini that I have yet to experience entitled “Houdini: Art & Magic” which just sounds like fun. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Friday, December 30, 2011

2011 $tevie Awards






Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again… time to hand out the world’s most prestigious awards. Forget the Academy Awards, the Nobel Prize, the Medal of Honor, all those other cheap trinkets out there… tonight, we celebrate the past 12 months with…

The 2011 $tevies

So as you know, about five years ago, I stumbled upon this stupid questionnaire back when MySpace was relevant & have been doing it ever since… but it’s a good little template for self-reflection… and reflection on the year that was 2011. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve also added links so that you can go “back into time” and witness some of these events if you would like. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Aside from that though, I’m being extremely lazy this year… and I’m not even going to present my own awards. That’s right, I run this b**ch… and I’ve decided to ask some of my friends to help me out. More like tell them that they’re going to help with absolutely no explicit written or implied verbal consent of using their likenesses or caricatures. Allow me to introduce & turn the festivities over to our host for the evening… Mr. Adam West…

“Good evening. I’m… not exactly sure why I’m here. (laughter from the crowd) No, I’m serious. I have no idea who this $teve guy is. We met at a convention a few months back allegedly, he gave me a call & asked me to host an awards show. He went on & on about how he loved my work with the old Batman TV series & Family Guy… but is this a TV awards show or something? And why am I dressed up in this outfit? Doesn’t he realize that was nearly a half century ago? Get with the times, man. Anyway, apparently all of the presenters know why they’re here… and apparently I almost lost this gig to Robocop… so without further ado, ladies & gentlemen, allow to introduce our first presenter… Miss Megan Fox… grrrrrrrrrrrrrr…”

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: “I know that you’re probably expecting Lindsay Lohan to present this award… but she’s no longer on speaking terms with $teve. So instead, I will be stepping in to present… as whenever Brian & I need suggestions on how to keep the spice alive in our relationship, Dr Love is always willing to prescribe. This year’s award offers some stiff competition. I mean stiffer than I made most of the planet when I checked under the hood in Transformers but completely misdiagnose the type of engine that I was looking at. Seriously, if you weren’t staring at my tits & waist, you would’ve caught that… but our script supervisor didn’t. Did we even have one of those on that movie? Anyway, this year’s nominees for drinking buddy of the year are… the 4-time reigning champion & Vegas odds favorite Bubbles for her roles in EPIC Jew Night, Brunches, & Random Rendezvouses (hold for applause during scenes of bottomless mimosas); Jackie D for her roles in EPIC Jew Night, Six Weeks of Cohabitation, LA Road Trip, Shots Across America & Vegas Birthday Bash (role scenes of Jackie D beating the beat up to roaring ovations); and The Wingman of his roles in Vegas Winter Getaway & Mayan Riviera Cruise (clanks clamor from the audience as wrist bling strikes raised chalices to a flurry of “Woot WOOT!!!”). All worthy nominees indeed… but as the Scottish poet Duncan McLeod once said, ‘There can only be one’ and that one is… (turns around to shake her bottom with the accompanying drum roll, continuing as she slowly turns around to read the card) come on, you knew as soon as I stepped out here that it was going to be Bubbles! Congratulations!”

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): Now for our next presenter… Mr. Timothy Tebow. “Good evening ladies & gentlemen, thank you for having me here. It is such a great honor to be here presenting awards for my good friend $teve. I know our own friendship has been tested over the years when I decided to play for the Florida Gators & then drafted by the Denver Donkeys, but it’s not about where you are, but who you are… and $teve & I have always believed that, though our travels have taken us all over the world & back again. The Lifetime Service Award is a particularly distinct honor to present because of those principles… and my own lifetime service to my best friend, my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. We all may take ridicule for the friends that we keep, whether it’s from parents, other friends, TV critics, bosses, and maybe even your own self-doubts. What’s important is that there’s the underlying Love that helps you through the tough times… and keeps your bond strong… and that as you walk through life, you know that they will be there for you in your time of need… as you will do whatever it takes for them. It is with that in mind that I present to this award to Isaiah, $teve’s friend since the 2nd grade… and 49ers fan who is pleased as punch that his friend lives in San Francisco so that he can get some good tickets for when the Broncos come into town to come from behind in the 4th quarter & eek out a victory in overtime as is God’s will. Congratulations Isaiah! Thank you and praise Christ!” SPREECH!!! (Fun fact: “Spreech” is a word popularized during the Vegas trip last month that is a combination of “Speak!” and “Preach!” with a dose of “Amen!” to form into a super exclamatory “SPREECH!!!”)

NEWCOMER AWARD: To present this award, please welcome Mr. Don Knotts. “Why hello there everybody! It’s been a long time since I was in front of a crowd like this. Some say it’s because I haven’t had a hit show since I was Mr Furley on Three’s Company. Others say it’s because my expert comic timing is lost on today’s youth & all they want are dick & fart jokes. Still others say its because I’ve been literally dead for over five years now. Regardless, this next award isn’t about me… or $teve’s love for my whackadoo films… but rather who has recently come into his life for the prestigious Newcomer Award. Why would he ask me to do this? Probably because a lot of the nominees are ladies that he’s lived with over the past year… and it’s apparently too soon to have John Ritter’s ghost out here. Without further ado, the nominees are… his stunning current & former roommates Jackie D, Carmen, Nurse, Pixie & Batgirl (her name changed cuz I forgot what it was before)… and just to include a gentleman… his neighbor J-Mo. And the award goes to… Jackie D!!! What’s that? She’s joining us via satellite? What does that even MEAN? Whooooa… this new technology is crazy. I’m going back to Heaven with Suzanne Sommers’ career…”

“WHAAT??? DUDE! I was gonna be all hurt that you didn’t give me that drinking buddy award… because seriously? Come on. But that was before I knew this one was coming up! Thanks homey! MAKEIT MAKEIT RAIN RAIN… it was great being your roommate & I’m glad we can still chat and whatever even though I’m living in Philly… having to go to the Jersey Shore to have fun. WHAT? That sh*t cra… but I’m looking forward to future adventures & road trips & the like. I gotta get my passport so that we can hit up Amsterdam! Also, I’ve apparently gotta step my Game up so that I can get the drinking buddy thing next year. Make it LE-GIT!!! And if I don’t get it… then you can kiss my a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ STOP!!! Now make that mutha f**ka Hammertime!!! OOH OOOOOH OOH OOOOOH!!!”

SONG FOR 2011: Thank you for those stirring words, Miss D… and now, ladies & gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the true king of hip hop, Mr. Jay-Z. “Big ups to Brooklyn, what? Haha! You crazy for this one, $teve. Asking me to come on up here & present because you’re tired of giving me all these awards. Every time I drop an album it always makes its way here… but you’re trying to show some Love for other artists out there… and I feel that. WATCH THE THRONE!!! That’s why I put my hand to my heart… it means that I feel ya… cuz Game recognize Game & you lookin’ familiar. This year’s award goes to Foster the People for their song “Pumped Up Kicks” which talks about serious issues of teenage angst in such a way that you can’t even understand the verse because it’s so scratchy & sang into a coffee can… but then the hook comes around & you don’t even realize what you’re singing until it’s too late. You gotta love it. It’s a thuggish ride-or-die song hidden behind a catchy cheery backdrop. I been singing about these foolish children out in the streets needing to recognize my heat for years… but you don’t see politicians trying to bring down these popsters, now do ya? That sh*t cra… Congratulations to all of our winners, afterparty at 40-40 the Sinner’s Dinner, and to all you haters out there trying to play with Jigga, you only get half a bar – F**k yall n**gas!!!” (drops mic & walks away)

MOVIE FOR 2011: H’whoa! That sh*t was tight, Jigga man! Haha! That reminds me of when I was answering the Riddler to help save Gotham from a giant question mark falling from space. I’m still not sure how he was able to do that but… there’s a lot I don’t understand about movies… but to help us is our next presenter, Mr. Quentin Tarantino. “Ok’y ok’y ok’y, so my buddy $teve & I are hanging out watching movies one day… and he asks me to do this presenting thing about what HE thought… was the best movie of 2011. True true, I didn’t have anything to throw into the mix this year because… well, you know how us geniuses are, he said with all humility. Next year though, I’m gonna rob these f**king awards shows BLIND with Django… but I digress, I’m switching to the next reel when I haven’t even start this one. Frankly I just going to say it. I didn’t care for this year’s batch as much as years past… but there’s an added element because I’m basically going off what my man $teve has seen. See, he waits for the Netflix unless it’s an absolute must see for him or usually somebody else who wants to go with somebody. He hasn’t seen these highly toughted movies like Drive or Hugo or a lot of these f**king sequels like Harry Potter or X-Men because… well, he just hasn’t. He hasn’t even seen the Muppets and he LOVES those guys. He was really excited for the Planet of the Apes one too… but yeah, hasn’t seen a lot of them… but Drive sounded like his kinda sh*t being named after Steve McQueen & all... but it ended up being pretty slow. However, this year’s winner… is ‘The Fighter’ starring Marky Mark & Christian Bale about the true life story of Micky Ward & his brother… as well as the bond of family, and an underdog story in every sense of the term. I know he couldn’t stand those Boston accents though. Probably drove him up the wall. Next year’s gonna be tough though, $teve! You’re going to have to pick between my movie… and Batman. There can only be one of us… and we usually sweep these things… I hope you’re up to making a tough choice. I mean hell… this year’s winner had Batman in it. You may have a problem… but I understand since you haven’t seen a lot of ‘em yet. Just remember, I have Sam Jackson on speed dial.”

VIDEO GAME FOR 2011: Thank you Quentin, but Mr. Jackson is actually our next presenter. Welcome to the show! “(struts to the stage) Good evening ladies & gentlemen. This evening we have heard from distinguished members of society, stars & stage & screen… and the ghost of Barney Fife. So it is with great honor that I present the winner for… seriously, what the f**k is this? Does anybody really give a damn what you thought was the best video game of the last 12 months? Or EVER? F**K YO MUTHA F**KIN’ VIDEO GAMES!!! You think Life is a game? Tell ‘em Earl Simmons…”


“It is NOT a F**KING GAME!!! ARR ARR!!!”



TV SHOW FOR 2011: I honestly couldn’t have said it better myself. Ladies & gentlemen, television star Peter Dinklage. “Good evening again, ladies & gentlemen. I’m here on behalf of the HBO series ‘Game of Thrones’ to take this award back to the studios. Not because we’ve necessarily won it… but because I’m just going to f**king take it… and there’s not a damn thing that any of the other shows can do to stop me. I don’t see the gang from Sunny in Philadelphia coming to take it from me! Nor the cowardly serial killers from Showtime or any of those comedians with their own shows. I WISH that Whitney would show her face around here. I would smack the smug right off her face. Nobody watches your show. No matter how much they try to jam it into our eyeballs. The mere glimpse of you makes my bowels wretch with disgust. So I am taking this trophy back to my estate… and yes, on my little horse… and if you have any problem with that, then you can take it up with my friend Khal Drogo, whose basically what Conan the Barbarian should have been. Ta-ta…”

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: Oh-ho! Well, there you have it! Now to present our next award, movie star Mike Myers. “(Silence, with the exception of a faint background chiming of infamous horror music)” Well, it seems that Mr. Myers has a little bit of stage fright. I thought that we were getting the guy from Austin Powers but… oh well, would you mind if I were to present this award? “(Silence)” Thank you! This year’s costume goes to… Waldo!!! Thankfully also a man of few words...

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Next, please welcome to the stage, Ms. Jenna Jameson. “Hi everybody, I have no idea why I’m up here to present the award for Restaurant of the Year… but I’ll bet it’s because I have a buffet of goodies… and this year’s winner is… Wicked Spoon Buffet at the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas. I’ve eaten there during the Adult Expo. Great selection… and the food isn’t bad either. Two cocks up! WAY up! And besides… who doesn’t like a little naughty spoon action when they’ve been a bad girl?”

BOOK OF THE YEAR: Giggidy! (clear throat) Thank you Ms. Jameson. Next up, we have the actual author of Pimpology: The 48 Laws of the Game, Mr. Pimpin’ Ken!!! “Good even’n pimps & b**ches. I’m glad that my words could reach such a rising young playa like Dr Love. You see… the Game is to be sold, not told… and I wanna give a special shout-out to The Wingman for purchasing these nuggets of knowledge for my man to not only read, but take to heart. Now, some y’all haters out there talkin’ sh*t like… Why come I can’t write a book? That n**ga Ken don’t know what he rappin’ about. That boy soft on his b**ches. Well let me tell you somethin’ mutha f**ka! This is how Pimpin’ Ken roll… mo’ b**ches than a train & I makeit makeit rain rain… (throws handfuls of Benjamins into the crowd) Skee skee skee mutha f**kas!!! Buy the book!!!”

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: Thank you… and now our last presenters, the former star of Crossing Over / alleged psychic John Edwards & star of Ghost Adventures, paranormal investigator Zach Bagans. “Good evening!” “Good evening!” “Zach, I saw this coming… you know, that we’d be on stage tonight… but I was hoping that you could fill the rest of us in on what award we were presenting.” “Well John, I’m not sure why… but luckily I have my buddies here with cameras to find out… oh and there’s a letter here on the podium. Let’s see. T-t-t t-heee… t-heee… what’s this word?” “The.” “Really? Weird.” “Here, I’ve got it… the award for biggest do… douchebag? For the last time, I’m not a douche!!! I can talk to dead people, okay? F**k you guys!” “Ah, that sucks! You got the douchebag award?” “Hahaha, you got it too!” “What? Why?” “I don’t know… let’s read the teleprompter. You wanna take this one?” “Yeah but… you go first. I gotta… check my batteries in my digital recorder.” “Alright then, John Edwards is just a douche because he uses the methods of hot & cold reading to convince people that he can talk to dead people & makes money from it. Though you can’t hate him for trying to make a dollar, he’s still a douche to the nth degree. Oh come on!” “What does it say about me?” “Zach Bagans hosts a decent show with a decent idea of searching for scientific evidence of spirits & contact with the ‘other side’ but unfortunately… the host is a total douche & its difficult to watch the show and listen to him speak… constantly & stupidly… and still thinks he’s hot sh*t in a champagne glass when he’s cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup. Yeesh!” “Oh man, that’s cold. I’m getting hairs standing on the back of my neck.” “Wait, there’s more… Great show though sometimes you have to REALLY try to fill the full hour… all I’m saying is let somebody else talk who knows what they’re talking about or at least kind of funny. Congratulations, Zach!” “Congratulations, John.”

Congratulations, douches! Now we’ve reached the point of the show where we welcome out to the stage, the guest of honor… for a little reflection on this past year… and looking forward to 2012. Ladies & gentlemen, please welcome… the Man… the Myth… the Manotaur… Dr Mookie Love… aka $teve!!! (Roaring applause, fireworks, panties flock to the stage)

“Thank you! Thank you so much for coming out! Can I get a woot woot for our fantastic presenters? (Hold for applause) They were great. They truly went above & beyond what I paid them… which is in the mail. Well, thank you all for yet another great year. 2011 was a monumental year, I think for all of us. We saw major changes & power shifts in the Middle East, the passings of some of international douches from Bin Ladin to Gadhafi… and everybody’s favorite little dictator Kim Jong Il. We’ve lost good friends, made new ones, highs & lows all around, new experiences, both good & bad, and so I figured that I would just take over a few of these awards because… seriously, who else is going to answer some of these? For example…”

BEST RELATIONSHIP: Hmm… let’s see, who was my best romantic relationship with this year? Yeah… obviously not a whole lot to talk and/or brag about on this one… so your mom works. It was definitely the best for her.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: Well, on official Valentine’s Day, I watched “Mortal Kombat” with Jackie D & had a few beers… but the weekend before was EPIC Jew Night with Jackie D, Carmen & Bubbles as well as a bunch of drinks at the Tipsy Pig & the Cellar. Not a bad time at all… a lot better than the previous year when I almost had to beat down some disrespectful teenagers in Old Sac. I’d much rather be getting crunk with a bunch of sexy ladies.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Moving to San Francisco! You may have noticed… but I really like it here. Granted, I liked it in Tahoe too… except for maybe the abundance of snow (which I apparently wouldn’t be burdened with right now) but there’s just so much to see & do here… and so many fantastic people that I meet… and I’m actually able to make a little money to save or use on vacations… and I still have the perks of living in a national park… with great roommates… and a great job… and I’m close to one of my best friends Bubbles… and honestly I could probably do without Gretchen… but I’m glad that she’s around… and there’s so many festivals, concerts, museums, sporting events, basketball leagues, softball leagues, different neighborhoods to explore, great restaurants, the ocean, and places like Tahoe, Monterey, Yosemite, Big Sur, Reno, Half Moon Bay, San Jose, even Oakland… they’re all nearby to be explored still too.

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: For 2012, I’m planning on getting out there more & meeting new people… and for God’s sake maybe go on a date or two. Seriously, it dawned on me just now… that I haven’t really been on a date since Tahoe. Well… you can kind of count my roommate Nurse going to dinner with me on my 30th birthday… or her date that I was on when we went to Sharktoberfest… but yeah, nothing really of an even semi-romantic intent in nature for quite some time. Why? Ladies love me… and I love the ladies. So that’s at the top of the list. I’ll elaborate a little more on this with the Resolutions…

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Okay, so upon further review… on St Patrick’s Day, I apparently DID spill a pint of ale all over Bubbles. This was confirmed by J-Mo… and that guy was dead sober the whole time. What was the idea associated with it? Well, apparently A) it was my idea to have one more round before we left the Final Final, and then B) it was my idea to hand my beverage to Bubbles… or set it down next to her or something… I don’t know, apparently I was already halfway to the bar to get the round… and that’s when we all left. Yeah… blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol, baby.

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: Well once again, I guess it would have to be the zip code. What is this the 3rd or 4th year in a row? First Denver, then back to SLC, then Tahoe, then to here… but hopefully I can stick around here in the Bay for a while. Like I said before, I like it here. Let’s see, what else has changed… the altitude, the humidity, the roommates, the weather, the smell of eucalyptus as opposed to pine, the lack of parking, all relatively small but make up for this new land of adventure.

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: I’d have to say that the high point of the year was my 30th birthday getaway last April / May. Two weeks away from work (that I’m still feeling the unworthy brunt of from fellow coworkers, but f**k ‘em in the ear) and spending it with loved ones like my mom, grandmama, stepdad, the Wingmans & Filly… in some of my most loved places like New Orleans and… a boat that takes me around the world. Beautiful sights, fantastic beverages (seriously, cashew wine, where do I get this stuff?), amazing adventures, good times all around. There’s a rumor going around that the next trip may be either a South American cruise down towards the Panama Canal… or jetsetting over to Amsterdam… but we shall see. Easily the high point of 2011!!!

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Coming back to work / reality afterwards? Ha-ha! Thankfully there wasn’t a whole lot of low points this past year. My great-step-grandma passed recently… and that sucked… but she was well into her 90’s and had been suffering from Alzheimer’s & other ailments for years… so the real sad part was that my great-step-grandpa was a widower & I’m sure it’s been rough on him. Family & friends have had their health scares… let go from their jobs & finding employment elsewhere… and the worst I can think of off-hand is the thing on my cheek, which was nothing. All-in-all, not a bad year if that’s the worst of it.

BEST HOLIDAY: What can I say? This man loves Christmas. A month of Mariah Carey & Bing Crosby on the radio, Jimmy Stewart & Bill Murray on the TV, people smiling everywhere you go, shimmering lights, parties for really no reason other than to party, a week away from work to go home & see the family, a bunch of free sh*t that you’ll rarely use, what more could you ask for? The details of this year’s adventures are broken down here… but yeah, I heart Xmas.

REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS:


  • Date Dammit! – I’ve got all this good lovin’ to give & nobody seems to want it… how could this be? My guess: Poor marketing on my part

  • Learn Another Language – Spanish or Mandarin? Maybe both, but I’ve almost got enough saved up to finally get a laptop that’ll actually work so that I can do Rosetta Stone

  • Up Mountain Dew – I’ve tried regulating it… but the answer may just be cold turkey, old friend. Gonna give up soda all together but obviously Dew & grape soda are the biggest culprits.

  • Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I’ve been doing a lot better since getting the gym membership & joining the basketball and softball leagues, now if I could just eat better…

  • Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though you’ve probably forgotten about me

  • Use My Passport – Sorta used it on the cruise… but this b**ch needs stamps

  • Write a Children’s Book – I think it’s time that I took a weekend, sat down, & really focused my efforts on making that children’s book with my brother that I’ve been thinking about for years. Also, maybe a few writing exercises so hopefully I can get some of that JK Rowlings / Stephanie Meyers money. Fellow great $teve, Stephen King would approve!

  • Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – Work bugs me from time to time, parking tickets ruin my weekend, sport league lockouts make my blood boil… but you know what, I’m gonna be alright. Just live well & do your thing, dawg.

  • Look for the Next Step – I like to think that I’ve been doing that… but in all honesty, it seems like I’ve just been going day by day… especially this last year. Too busy to look ahead most of the time. However, I’m 30 now. I need to really think about the future & making that next step into an actual career instead of hourly daily labor. Or find ways to get that mutha f**kin’ money… can you dig it?

  • Survive the Apocalypse – Though San Francisco seems to be the epicenter of every disaster in movies from X-Men to Rise of the Planet of the Apes to Towering Inferno to The Birds to Mission: Impossible to whatever, I plan on surviving Mad Max style. Be prepared!

Anyway, it’s been another great year… thank you all for joining today’s ceremonies… and I wish you a happy & healthy 2012 and beyond. Have a great year everybody!!!

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