Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Divine Abortion

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Utah is just moments away so I’m excited for that… and I’m now officially certified to operate ATVs & other recreational vehicles in the state of Oregon… so I’m ready to go for my NEXT next trip. Despite marital strife currently separating the Wingmans, I’ll still be spending a wonderful time with Dizzy, Chick’n’Wing & her family eating crab all f**king day in the beauty of the Columbia River. It’s gonna be EPIC!!!
So Jay-Z released his new album entitled “Magna Carte Holy Grail” this week, so of course, I purchased it sight unseen (or rather unheard) because the man is basically one of my idols & doesn’t really steer me wrong in the music department. He’s even the subject of my first (and so far only) Music List with the same criterion as my Movie Lists (medals, suggestions, flush it, etc) a few years back. When his worst album to date is “Kingdom Come” and it’s still better than 90% of the stuff out there (maybe more) then I’m okay with purchasing for $12 opening week for what’s typically about 50-60 minutes of music (this one was just under an hour I think). I’ve given the album a few listens through… because I hate to jump to conclusions… and a great album will grow with time… but so far, it’s not among my favorites. Just saying… I’ll let you know if it grows on me but… we’ll see. Still the greatest though!
Last night I watched “Broken City” starring Russell Crowe, Catherine Zeta-Jones & Marky Mark Wahlberg… and directed by Allen Hughes of the Hughes Brothers. Surprisingly, it was actually kind of a new age spin on the film noir like “Chinatown” that I saw last week… but set in New York City & a little flashier and faster paced than normal. Anyway, the storyline is similar… there’s a cop (Marky Mark) who was involved in a questionable shooting so he was fired & became a private investigator. Well, his old buddy the mayor (Crowe) asks him to tail his wife (Jones) to find out who she’s having an affair with, conveniently right around election time. Well, he tails hers… and finds out that she’s been hooking up with his rival’s campaign manager… or is it something far more sinister? The campaign manager shows up dead, Marky Mark is implicated, more bodies show up, his girlfriend stars in a tasteful snuff film, he’s back on the wagon, things are spinning out of control… but he has to clear his name somehow. That’s all I’m going to tell you on the plot… but it was pretty good. There are a few things that were a bit of a stretch… and even a few awkward moments that seemed out of place… that also oddly enough, I remember were all in the previews that I saw on TV for the movie… so not sure what that’s all about… but it was decent. Not great, not horrible… kind of what you expected. I enjoyed it. Here’s some news…
Divine Abortion Attempt? - A couple and their newborn are miraculously recovering after being hit by lightning last week. Albuquerque residents Ian Gordon and his pregnant girlfriend, Kendra Villanueva, had been watching the fireworks and began to head inside as a lightning storm started to move in on July 4th. Unfortunately, they couldn’t escape the strike. They were hit under a tree in front of Gordon's mother's house. "I had turned and started walking," Gordon told Action 7 News. "And next thing I remember, I woke up on the ground. My car alarm was blaring and I was dazed. I didn't know what happened." Gordon suffered a ruptured ear drum where the lightning either entered or left his body. Villanueva had a bleeding finger where the electricity had left her body. She worried about her unborn child. "I woke up and I didn't think she was going to make it for sure,” Villanueva said. Luckily, first responders in the area were minutes away and got to the couple quickly. Villanueva had to be rushed to the hospital for an emergency C-section. Her baby was born and although doctors aren’t sure yet, they think Kimberly Samantha Rose Gordon will be fine… except that she has too many names already… and she has definitely earned her nickname. "Last name's Gordon… so little Flash Gordon,” Gordon told station KRQE. FLASH! AAAAAAAH!!! The couple got to thank the emergency workers who saved their lives and ensured the safe delivery of the baby. The team received the "hero's coin," presented by the Albuquerque Fire Department. To avoid strikes during lightning season, April to November in most areas, follow simple precautions. Start by checking the weather. If a lightning storm is coming, stay indoors if possible. If outside, stay away from trees, or higher ground, and if you're in the water, get the f**k out! If your hair stands on end, lightning is about to strike — FEMA advises you to make yourself as small as possible by squatting low to the ground with your hands over your ears and your head between your knees… apparently like you’re fully prepared to be violated by Zeus’ rod… of lightning of course. Congratulations Gordons! You all survived essentially unscathed… but if there’s anything that I’ve learned from scary movies… Death will continue to hunt you down… at least until it’s no longer profitable. Be safe out there!

Cell Phone Shocker – In other shocking news, Apple Inc is investigating an accident in which a Chinese woman was killed by an electric shock when answering a call on her iPhone 5… while it was charging, the U.S. technology company said on Monday. Last Thursday, Ma Ailun, a 23-year-old woman from China's western Xinjiang region and a flight attendant with China Southern Airlines, was electrocuted when she took a call on the charging mobile telephone, the official Xinhua news agency quoted police as saying on Sunday. "We are deeply saddened to learn of this tragic incident and offer our condolences to the Ma family. We will fully investigate and cooperate with authorities in this matter," Apple said in an e-mail. Apple declined to comment on details… such as whether this was an isolated case (insert dramatic music). Ma's sister tweeted on Sina's microblog saying that Ma collapsed and died after using her charging iPhone 5 and urged users to be careful, a message that went viral on the site. In April, Apple apologized to Chinese consumers and altered iPhone warranty policies in its second-biggest market after its after-sales service suffered more than two weeks of condemnation by the state-run media. I know it’s not a huge surprise if you actually think about it… but cell phones are killing people. It’s no longer brain tumors (THAT’S why I text so much) that take years to develop… now it’s straight to electrocution. Sure, maybe it was an isolated incident in which her hand grazed a frayed wire on the charger cord, while she was wearing her favorite sequin jumpsuit & giant superconductive earrings, standing in a tub of water & somehow it was just the direct charge from the outlet racing through her body that killed her… but still, be careful out there. The last thing we want to hear about is more machines turning on their creators. My God! First cell phones, then sexbots… then wood chippers! We wouldn’t stand a chance! That is… unless they see snakes as more of a threat… then perhaps that epic battle (totally thinking about “Pacific Rim” right now) could help to eliminate our top two threats… and by then we could probably form an alliance with Zeus to eradicate the surviving droids & serpents. ALL HAIL ZEUS!!!
Alternative to the Zeus Alliance – Or there’s this other method… Imagine this: There's no need to throw out your old cellphone… because it will self-destruct. Yes, I love Mission: Impossible too… but that's the idea behind a project at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (French for “malt liquor”), where researchers are investigating how to build electronics that vanish in water. (Spoiler alert: They all kinda do already… but just stop working… but please continue) John Rogers is a professor of Materials Science and Engineering at the university. Rogers says the goal of the "born to die" program is to design transient technology that can dissolve at the end of its useful life, thus saving space in landfills and reducing waste. By which I assume he means a predetermined useful life (6-12 months?) and somewhere around halfway through that life, half the parts already disintegrated… but that’s okay… because if one or two parts disintegrate it already stopped working long ago… like two weeks after you started it & before you loaded all your contacts. Anyway, that’s my own little angle, back to the story. The research team isn't there yet (GASP!!!). But it has designed a chip built on a thin film of silk that dissolves when hit with water. Well heck, they’re already half way there to making a completely self destructing cell phone… which will certainly revolutionize the world… if not just the drug dealing industry with these supremely disposable phones. Also, next time that it rains… yeah… I don’t think they really thought this one out too well… but best of luck to you Professor Rogers. Fun Fact: As I was typing this up... my girlfriend was telling about how her new laptop fried within four months of existence. F**k your ideas, sir! Instead try making something that works... FOREVER!!!
Superman Update – Okay… it’s not really a Superman update… but still. Thailand's premier university has apologized for displaying a billboard that showed Adolf Hitler alongside Superman and other superheroes, saying Monday it was painted by ignorant students who didn't realize Hitler's image would offend anyone (really?). The huge billboard was placed outside the art faculty of Chulalongkorn University as part of a tribute to this year's graduating class. It said "Congratulations" in bold white letters and showed Hitler with his arm raised in a Nazi salute next to Batman, Captain America, the Incredible Hulk and Iron Man… who they apparently believe instead of forming the Avengers & Justice League joined Hitler in the Legion of Doom.  "(We) would like to formally express our sincere apology for our students' 'Superhero' mural," art school dean Suppakorn Disatapundhu said in a statement issued Monday. "I can assure you we are taking this matter very seriously." The billboard was up for two days before being removed Saturday in response to criticism. Online photographs showed graduating students in their robes, mimicking Hitler's raised arm salute. Suppakorn said that freshman art students had painted the banner as part of a traditional send-off from incoming students to the graduating class, and it was one of dozens of banners and billboards across the campus during the university's commencement period. The artistic vision behind the picture was to show that good and bad people co-exist in the world, Suppakorn said after summoning the students for an explanation. "They told me the concept was to paint a picture of superheroes who protect the world. Hitler was supposed to serve as a conceptual paradox to the superheroes," he said, noting that the superheroes were painted in vivid colors, while Hitler's image was in grey scale. "This kind of thoughtless display will not happen again." No sh*t! The Simon Wiesenthal Center, an international Jewish human rights group, had criticized the banner prior to its removal. "Hitler as a superhero? Is he an appropriate role model for Thailand's younger generation — a genocidal hate monger who mass murdered Jews and Gypsies and who considered people of color as racially inferior," Rabbi Abraham Cooper, associate dean at the center, said in a statement Friday. "The Simon Wiesenthal Center is outraged and disgusted by this public display at Thailand's leading school of higher education." The study of history in the Thai school system revolves primarily around the history of Thailand and its long line of kings. World history is glossed over, with little or no mention of the Holocaust. Now… before you start criticizing that aspect of their world history lessons, keep in mind, you didn’t even know that Thailand had kings until you just read that last sentence… unless you’re into Tony Jaa movies (PLEASE COME BACK!!!). Yes, it’s atrociously stupid… and basically the equivalent of Harvard presenting a special art exhibition with an entry entitled “King Anand Raping an Elephant on a Mound of Cocaine while its Offspring Watches” briefly… but still, how were we supposed to know? Good job, Thailand! Next time… keep in mind, that the still-bleeding head & spinal cord of Hitler being held by Superman ala Mortal Kombat fatality giving a smile & a thumbs up… probably wouldn’t have even been mentioned. By the way, both the “King Anand…” & “Flawless Victory” depicted above are patent pending. Sorry would-be billionaires off my ideas…
Anyway, that’ll end it for today I think… have a great weekend everybody & I’ll catch up with you after my Utah adventure!!!

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