The Eclectic Eccentric 2: The Kwyjibo Chronicles: Warren Die Harding

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As you could probably tell from my “Stars & Strips” post the other day, the 4^th of July was pretty sweet… and the 5^th of July hasn’t been bad either. Dizzy & I saw fireworks from Inspiration Point over Fisherman’s Wharf… and they were awesome. We also had boar burgers with bacon & bleu cheese on sourdough baguettes for dinner… and washed it down with some double mocha porter. Mmm… good times.

I don’t know if it’s just me… or a select few… or everyone… but I feel like “the next generation” may be in trouble. By “the next generation” I mean those that are in their early 20’s or so now & high school. So basically just about anybody who may be reading this blog… thus killing my demographic a bit… but please let me explain. Last week when we were watching “The Conjuring”, some ass hat in the movie theatre took his shoes off… and set them on the back of the seats in front of him. That’s pretty much an 7 or an 8 on the douche-o-meter, right? Sadly it’s not the first time that has happened… but this guy was ripe enough for me to smell it, so I’m upping it to a 9. Last night, we’re getting ready to watch the fireworks from the beautiful national park of the Presidio… and a few minutes before it starts, 6-8 ass hats (neighbors?) show up with lawn chairs, beers, blankets, etc. then hop a fence… and basically pitch up their spot in the middle of a f**king owl sanctuary (what the fence was protecting from the trail). Now… it’s not my place to step in & be “that guy” but apparently the park rangers who were readily present last year were nowhere to be seen this year (maybe striking with Bart now). Is it a major thing? Of course not… besides, if coyotes would’ve attacked them, then I would’ve had TWO shows going on simultaneously. If there’s anything that movies have taught me… it’s the explosions are made better with gratuitous violence (and nudity). Are these possibly just extreme cases? Maybe. Is it representative of the entire generation? Of course not. However, I’ve also chatted, conversed & eavesdropped on this “next generation” and… it scares me… to the core. Now, I will readily admit that I wasn’t the sharpest cookie in the tree when I was that age… but I feel like I had a great sense of perspective & wasn’t a complete narcissist (that came later when I became the amazing demigod that you see before you). Now, I’m not going to get into a rant about the root causes, solutions, embargoes or anything like that… so don’t worry. I just want to offer a suggestion to the next generation: Please consider others with regards to your actions. Spoiler alert: You’re not the only thing that matters. #troof #hashtag

Anyway, on another topic, as you can probably tell, Dizzy & I are developing a thing for horrible movies. Thank you Netflix! One of our latest ventures was to the “Galaxy of Terror” which shouldn’t be a shocker as it was produced by Roger Corman in the early 80’s… so chances are it was going to be bad. Then again, he probably produced about two more slasher or zombie flicks that month so it’s more quantity that quality at that point. Hey, as long as it makes money, right? This entry was a space thriller starring Erin Moran (“Happy Days”), Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) & Sid Haig (Captain Spaulding). Basically, it’s a rag tag crew of space travelers who are sent on a mission to a distant world to answer a distress call or something. They get to the planet’s station, everybody is dead, then the fun begins. The aliens include tentacles that suck victims dry, giant space spiders that tear people apart, unseen forces that use the crew’s own weapons against them, even a giant space worm that rips off a crew members clothes & apparently rapes her to death… I think… I don’t know, it really seemed out of place & confusing about what was happening. The thrilling climax was… not so thrilling… but yeah, I wasn’t expecting much… and it delivered just that. Feel free to check it out after a few beers… but Dizzy fell asleep watching it… and frankly I almost did too, if I wasn’t trying to figure out what was going on most of the time.

Wednesday night was a fitting movie for Independence Day with “A Good Day to Die Hard”, the latest in the “Die Hard” series of movies which… let’s just face it… are all pretty amazing for what they are. Plot holes? Of course. Explosions & violence & one-liners? Absolutely! Watching them in a row & seeing Bruce Willis go from Bruno to a streak of roles as retired agents getting brought back in for “one last fight” over the course of almost thirty years… and still being as charismatic & badass as ever? Uh-huh!!! Well, though this may not be the greatest in the series, this movie was still decent for what it was. The story is that John McClane (Willis) is in Moscow “on vacation” but really looking to meet up with his son who was last seen there. Surprise! His son is a CIA agent… and now they’re in the midst of a giant Russian struggle for power & have to protect a billionaire from the bad guys. Now, there are some GREAT car chase scenes & stunts in this movie… like I had forgotten how much I missed good, real car stunts in movies… not that CGI cop out stuff. It has all the other stuff… one liners (thought not as many as expected), family drama that nobody really cares about, lots of shoot outs & explosions… and the ending just kind of happens, patriotic music, roll credits. If you like “Die Hard” movies, you’ll like this. Now… “Live Free or Die Hard” had a metascore rating of like 68… while this one has a rating of 27. Why? I’m thinking that the critics are sick of the “Die Hard” series because it really wasn’t any worse than Justin Long & Kevin Smith being injected into the movie… but a difference of over 40 points? Ridiculous. Don’t believe the (lack of) hype! Also, fun fact… coming in 2015… “Die Hardest” which I’m guessing will be the finale of the series… until the reboot starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt or Armie Hammer or somebody from “Twilight” comes out in 2017. Check it out! Now for the news…

Mommy & Poppy - A woman who had her newborn taken away because she failed a hospital drug test after she ate a poppy seed bagel has settled a lawsuit over the case. Lawrence County's child welfare agency and Jameson Hospital have paid $143,500 to settle the suit filed on behalf of Elizabeth Mort by the American Civil Liberties Union of Pennsylvania, which announced the settlement Tuesday. Mort sued in October 2010, alleging that a poppy seed bagel she ate shortly before arriving at the hospital spurred a positive test for opiates in April 2010 that prompted the seizure of her 3-day-old daughter, Isabella Rodriguez. Mort said she was home with her baby when a county child welfare caseworker arrived with an emergency protective custody order and took Isabella. The lawsuit alleged Mort was never told in the hospital that she had failed a drug test, nor was she asked if she had eaten anything that could have affected the test results (like a sh*t ton of opium brownies?). Basically the way it works is that you have to basically eat a few pounds of pure poppy seeds to even get the chemicals that would lead to a hallucinogenic reaction… but then you have a few pounds of seeds in your belly… even then, typically it wouldn’t show on a toxicology report like it was immediate use of opiates. Anyway, the infant was returned five days later, after local officials agreed there was no evidence the mother had used illegal drugs. The suit argued that Jameson Hospital used a much lower threshold for drug screening than federal guidelines, resulting in more false positives from common foods and medicines. The federal standard is 2,000 nanograms per milliliter, but Jameson Hospital used a reading of 300 nanograms, according to the lawsuit. Which apparently means that 7 bagels would cause it for standard tests then? I’m thinking somebody just REALLY f**ked up & now Ms. Mort has a nice chunk of change for little Issy’s college fund (or a hell of a weekend thanks to her opium dealer). ACLU officials said Tuesday the hospital and county have implemented policy changes so newborns aren't taken from parents based only on maternal drug tests, which can be inaccurate. "We hope that this case will encourage hospitals that routinely test pregnant women for drug use to reconsider that practice due to the harm that can result from false positives," said Pennsylvania ACLU staff attorney Sara Rose. So wait, you want to stop testing mothers for drugs? Is that what you’re saying? Great plan, ACLU!!! Tired of pulling in the silver medal every year for Stupidest F**king Agency race to PETA? This will help immensely.

Another Cop Fail - Felony charges were dropped on Thursday against a 20-year-old University of Virginia student who says she panicked when undercover agents from the state's Alcohol Beverage Control division mistook her water purchase for beer. Yup. According to Charlottesville (Va.) Daily Progress, the student, Elizabeth Daly, was walking to her car on April 11^th at approximately 10:15 p.m. with a box of sparkling water, cookie dough and ice cream she had just bought from a local supermarket when the agents (six men and one woman, all in plainclothes) approached suspecting the box, a blue carton of LaCroix sparkling water, to be a 12-pack of beer. One jumped on the hood of her SUV; another pulled out a gun, Daly said, as her roommates seated inside looked on in horror. Keep in mind, they’re in plain clothes… and some crazy mother f**ker just jumped on the hood & guns are being drawn. "They were showing unidentifiable badges after they approached us, but we became frightened, as they were not in anything close to a uniform," Daly wrote in an account submitted to the court. "I couldn't put my windows down unless I started my car, and when I started my car they began yelling to not move the car, not to start the car. They began trying to break the windows. My roommates and I were ... terrified." Daly's roommate in the front passenger seat told her to "go, go, go"—and that's what she did, apparently "grazing" two of the agents in the process. The students called 911 as they left the parking lot, police said, and were pulled over by another agent driving a vehicle with lights and sirens, Charlottesville Commonwealth Attorney Dave Chapman told the paper. Daly (for some reason) apologized when she realized who they were, Chapman said, but agents arrested Daly and charged her with two counts of assaulting a law enforcement officer and one count of eluding police—each carrying a maximum penalty of five years in prison and $2,500 in fines. By the way, all cops are heroes. She spent the night in Albemarle-Charlottesville Regional Jail. Daly wrote, "This has been an extremely trying experience. It is something to this day I cannot understand or believe has come to this point." Either can Chapman. "It wouldn't be the right thing to do to prosecute this," he said. NO SH*T!!! Nonetheless, Chapman "stood by the agents' decision to file charges, citing faith in a process that yielded an appropriate resolution." "You don't know all the facts until you complete the investigation," he said. Really? That’s what you’re going with? Okay… good luck with that… and don’t worry, the taxpayers of Charlottesville will pay for your mistakes… like all taxpayers do when the police f**k over the innocent due to incompetence. F**k the police! I can’t believe that I used to respect you guys… “She’s got water! Ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you to… COOKIE DOUGH!!! (Bang bang bang…) Shots fired, shots fired, officer down… looks like he was shot in the foot. Suspect on the run. Heading south on Grant. Removing my ski mask to administer first aid.” I think Ms. Daly has a way to pay for her college tuition now. Great job!

NBA 2K13 Update: So... well into the 2nd season for $teve Love now... and the Milwaukee Bucks are 34-5, I'm 2nd in the MVP voting behind teammate Monta Ellis...though still barely on the cusp of maybe being an All-Star (don't ask me). However, the main thing... is all of the advertising for me...