Monday, July 15, 2013

The REAL Oppressed Demographic

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
I’d like to start things off by wishing a happy 30th birthday to my baby brother Kiel. Good father, ok brother, lots of untapped potential in my opinion… but he’s great to those kids of his. We haven’t always gotten along… but still, congratulations on reaching 30. We were all worried for a while that you wouldn’t make it. Next stop: Making 40 without being incarcerated for killing douche teenagers that Kairi dates.
This weekend was again, pretty laid back. Saturday we did some running around… and got to make some free tie-dye T-shirts in El Cerrito Plaza (shout out to Joann Fabrics), then we went to Dizzy’s Aunt’s retirement party. She’s retiring after 46 years of nursing. We had a few beers, some great food & just hung out with a lot of nice people in beautiful picturesque weather… so yeah, good times. The rest of the time… we basically watched movies…
First up was “Senna” which is a documentary about the meteoric rise & tragic fall of Formula One racecar driver Artyon Senna. Basically, he was a Brazilian man who from the time of being a little kid wanted to race… and he burst onto the F1 scene in the mid-80’s and had a very confident personality & aggressive driving style. Then again, don’t all racecar drivers? True… but this guy basically propositioned Xuxa on live television on New Year’s Eve. Don’t worry it was tasteful… and successful. Anyway, during that time, Alain Prost was the world champion & main rival of Senna… but he was a Frenchman… as was the President of Formula One. So basically there was a lot of political stuff done to kind of restrict Senna and keep him in 2nd place for a while… but eventually he became world champion (using their own BS rules against them by the way) and representing an entire nation in need of a hero at the time (Brazil). Tragically, he died in a horrific crash in the early 90’s at a track where… basically it seemed in the movie like half the people that drove that day died in crashes… but since then, Formula One has placed a lot of safety protocols in & have yet to lose a driver since. Unfortunately it was too late for Artyon Senna. The documentary itself was VERY well done with great score and basically just compiled of footage from the time with supplemental interviews voiced over, so you’re never really taken out of the moment. Great story, well done, check it out.
Sunday night I watched “A Haunted House” which is a parody of the “Paranormal Activity” & “Exorcist/Exorcism” style movies starring Marlon Wayans, Nick Swarsdon, Dave Koechner & Cedric the Entertainer. It’s set in the found footage genre and includes takes on a lot of the iconic scenes… but yeah, with that Wayans touch to it. Basically… it’s exactly what you expect. A lot of fart jokes, gay jokes, a few bare male asses, more crude sexual humor… and if that’s what you’re looking for… it’s still only okay. Fun fact: Did you know that “Scary Movie 5” came out in April? I had no idea… then again, #4 was pretty terrible… and this actually rated much higher (26) on Metascore than SM5 did (11) and this was kind of hard to watch for the most part. I’m a huge fan of good parody movies… but unfortunately this just isn’t one of them. Sorry guys! I’d rather watch “Don’t Be a Menace in South Central While Drinking Your Juice in Da Hood” for the 1,271st time.
Early this week, I also watched “The House at the End of the Street” starring Jennifer Lawrence & Elisabeth Shue. The story is about a mother (Shue) & daughter (Lawrence) who move into a new house… and they got a good deal… because the house next to them was the site of a double murder a few years earlier. Nice, right? Apparently the daughter of the murdered family was just nuckin’ futz & killed the parents... and then disappeared without a trace into the woods. Well, the son who was away at camp or something still lives in the house a few years later… and of course he’s a boy with a sad story so Jennifer Lawrence’s panties are overflooding… and there are secrets… stabby secrets. As you can tell, I think the whole premise of the movie is obvious & cookie cutter… and the movie didn’t disappoint. Basically I’ve found that a lot of these kind of lower-budget horror flicks are just ways for directors to flex what they learned in film school from a visual perspective to polish a turd. Some do it very well… most don’t. I think Jennifer Lawrence was only involved because she got to sing a little bit & strum a guitar so maybe she’s trying to be a crossover artist or something but… yeah, pass. It’s also a shame that Elisabeth Shue is an actress in her 40’s so this is the only kind of work that she can get… but hey, I’d still do her. (wink, call me when you’re back on the singles market). Here’s some news…
Is This Justice? – No, no, no… I’m not even touching the George Zimmerman thing… cuz basically since the day it happened… my guess was that he was going to get off without a charge & then Florida was going to immediately change the “Stand Your Ground” Law. So let’s countdown until the day that happens (my guess is by August 1st & it’ll be the first time that a government act has taken two weeks to happen). Rather my injustice… is from this story. The Iowa Supreme Court ruled unanimously on Friday in its second decision in the case…. that an Iowa dentist did NOT discriminate against a female assistant he fired for being "too attractive," In December, the all-male court (that’s right) ruled that Dr. James Knight did NOT discriminate in firing dental hygienist Melissa Nelson after more than 10 years' service because he found her too attractive… and his wife saw her as a threat. Nelson had argued she would not have been fired if she were a man, and her attorney, Paige Fiedler, argued in seeking a second hearing that their decision was a setback for gender equality in the workplace. In late June, the justices decided to reconsider the case. "We ultimately conclude the conduct does not amount to unlawful sex discrimination in violation of the Iowa Civil Rights Act," Justice Edward Mansfield wrote. Knight had hired Nelson in 1999 and on several occasions in the 18 months before he fired her in early 2010, he complained that her clothing was too tight, revealing and distracting, the decision said. She denied wearing anything inappropriate. In her defense, saying that the clothing was too tight may have been construed as saying that she was getting fat… but then I’m sure we would have an assault case on our hands if that was the interpretation.
Nelson and Knight began texting each other in 2009 (uh oh… I think I know where this might be going). Most messages were work-related or otherwise innocuous, but some were more suggestive… including one in which Knight asked Nelson how often she had an orgasm. Wow… Oddly enough, Nelson did not answer that text. "The fact of the matter is Nelson was terminated because of the activities of her consensual personal relationship with her employer, not because of her gender," Chief Justice Mark Cady wrote in a separate special concurrence, probably using the term “work flirt” several times. In late 2009, Knight's wife, Jeanne Knight, learned that her husband had been texting with Nelson while he was on an out-of-state vacation with their children and she insisted he fire her, saying "she was a big threat to our marriage.” Knight read Nelson a statement when he fired her that said in part that their relationship had become a detriment to both of their families. Nelson's attorney, Fiedler, said Friday she was "beyond distressed at the lack of awareness and understanding this decision demonstrates. Women already have to balance on the very fine line of being respected, professional and well-liked in the workplace without having their perceived charm or attractiveness garner unwanted sexual advances, harassment and discrimination," Fiedler said in a statement. She’s absolutely right… when are attractive people going to get a fair shake??? This injustice will not stand!!! This is why I only hire attractive prostitutes and housekeepers!!! Todd Pettys, associate dean for faculty in the University of Iowa College of Law, said it was unclear why the court decided to rehear the case, given that the justices did not change their positions from December to July. "It appears to me what they really wanted to do was take another shot at explaining why they were reaching the conclusion that they did, understanding that they had come under some criticism for that conclusion." My guess… their wives made them look at it again… as the criticism was a strain on their marriage... but I have no evidence to back that up. With all of the protests out there for Trayvon Martin… why don’t we have any for Melissa Nelson??? This is the true outrage!!! For God’s sake, won’t somebody help a hottie out? Even if it’s just buy her a drink… or dinner… or a car… or a diamond ring… or pay her bills… or f**k it I’m done with this story. Tough break, toots!
Death Valley News - It’s really, really hot in Death Valley… so hot that you could probably fry an egg. Unfortunately, that wasn’t exactly the message the national park in eastern California had hoped to impart. But the weather has been so warm, a park staffer filmed herself cooking an egg with nothing but a skillet and the sun. The buzzy video took off on the Web (over 170,000 views) and soon enough, visitors to the hot, dry area were imitating the staffer… except they didn’t have the skillet, leaving a runny, drippy mess… because people nowadays are apparently arrogant, self-centered narcissist idiots. It actually got to be such a problem that the park issued a plea on its Facebook page to crack down on the egg frying frenzy: “An employee's posting of frying an egg in a pan in Death Valley was intended to demonstrate how hot it can get here, with the recommendation that if you do this, use a pan or tin foil and properly dispose of the contents. However, the Death Valley NP maintenance crew has been busy cleaning up eggs cracked directly on the sidewalk, including egg cartons and shells strewn across the parking lot. This is your national park, please put trash in the garbage or recycle bins provided and don’t crack eggs on the sidewalks, or the Salt Playa at Badwater.” Park supporters also weighed in. LaMoine Hill posted, “Some people need to have their heads fried, or maybe they already have, anyway people, use your heads.” Wow… eloquently put. Brett Houston added, “Some people do not belong in the wild.” I… have no idea what you’re going for… but preach on. The reason the employee made the video in the first place: Death Valley temperatures have been around 120 degrees, and in fact on Wednesday the park marked the 100th anniversary of the world’s hottest day on record: 134 degrees Fahrenheit on July 10, 1913. For the record, the temperature in the egg-cooking demonstration hovers just over 127 degrees. Damn… I’m sweating just thinking about that. Even the note on the description page of the YouTube video alerts viewers: “Be sure to drink plenty of water and avoid outdoor activity in extreme heat. And please don't try to fry eggs on the ground. It makes a mess and it doesn't work.” On our next video… the health benefits of drinking plenty of crystal-cloudy water from the Great Salt Lake to stay hydrated in Death Valley. The results may surprise you… for a few moments… and then destroy you from the inside.
That’s One Way to Do It - How far would you go to quit smoking? I’m sure that if you’ve ever really tried… you’ve found it to be pretty difficult… asked friends for methods… maybe even sought other oral fixations… or even professional help. Well, one Turkish man has literally locked his head in a cage as a last ditch attempt to quit the habit. In a YouTube video, 42-year-old Ibrahim Yucel explains why he went to such an extreme measure: “I have been smoking since high school. I have tried to quit smoking each year on my birthday. Unfortunately, I could not.” Yucel told the Hurriyet Daily News that he smoked two packs a day for more than 20 years before putting on the cage helmet, which he says was inspired by seeing motorcycle riders in helmets. "My father developed lung cancer and died because of smoking. I decided it was time to hinder my will.” And for at least two days he’s managed to stay cigarette free, though not without some serious effort and potential embarrassment. To construct the helmet cage, Yucel took around 130 feet of copper wire and wound it into a tight circle and placed two locks at the bottom of the cage. When he heads out to work each morning, he gives the cage keys to either his wife or his daughter. Initially, Yucel’s wife says seeing her husband walking around with a cage on his head bothered her but she says she now supports the move. “This cage is embarrassing at first, but he wants to quit smoking,” she says in the video. While at work, Yucel says he can drink water through a straw and manages to eat small crackers through openings in the wire helmet. “I swear an oath to Allah and the Quran. I’m not going to smoke again.” I wonder if he wears the helmet to bed too… you know, for those late night cravings? Let’s ask the wife next time. He’s probably not much of a looker anyway. Building a cage for your own head might be less extreme than the plan to quit smoking employed by California’s Etta Mae Lopez. In May, the 31-year-old waited outside a police station where she subsequently slapped a police officer. It was all according to plan: Lopez wanted to be sent to jail, where smoking is prohibited… and she got her wish with a 63-day sentence. Talk about two birds with one stone! Quit smoking AND slap a cop. Anyway, maybe these methods will help you with your resolutions.

Goat Update – I know the past few entries have kind of ended on sour notes… so today we’re going to do something a little upbeat… and I know Dizzy has a thing for goats. Japan is a place of mystery & wonder… and of course, crazy sh*t. First, there were the maid cafes, their customers pampered by women in maids' uniforms. Sounds sexy, right? Well, then that led to the cat cafes, which allowed cat lovers to play with frisky felines while sipping a cup of coffee. Hey, pussy is pussy! Now, enter the goat cafe, which houses a pair of friendly goats for customers to pet, play with and even take for walks through Tokyo's concrete jungle. Rena Kawaguchi and her staff brought the animals (named Sakura and Chocolat, or “Cherry” and “Chocolate”) three years ago, hoping to attract a new breed of animal-loving customers and spice up flagging weekend business. "Back then animal cafes were booming, places where you could play with cats or dogs," Kawaguchi said. "But we reckoned a normal animal like that wouldn't have the wow factor of a goat." Customers can pet the goats in their pen while drinking a coffee, or book a slot to take them for a walk through the crowded area surrounding Shibuya station, a hub for commuters and Tokyo's trend-conscious youth. "When you live in the city like I do, places where you can meet animals are so far away and you rarely get the time to go there," said Kotaro Nakazato, a 21-year-old university student. "Having them nearby like this makes it easy to commune with nature." Keeping the goats has its challenges. Staff have to muck out their pen between serving customers, and the goats are fed special protein-rich pills to prevent foul-smelling droppings. With the goats proving a hit, Kawaguchi says she's got even bigger plans. Yes… an elephant cafe is at the top of her list, although it was not clear what her pen-cleaning staff thought of the prospect… but hey, it’s a sh*t job anyway (rim shot). Now I know the first stop for any trip to Japan with Dizzy. “But you don’t even drink coff…” “I DON’T CARE! I WANT TO PLAY WITH THE GOATS!” Hmm… I wonder if places with rats in New York could sell it as a rat café? Interesting twist to a Kitchen Nightmare show…
Anyway, that will do it for today. Thank you all for stopping by & I’ll probably catch up with you after the trip back to Utah for a few days. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

1 comment:

Izzy Gerbil Tamer said...

omg omg omg I want a goat, rat and corgi cafe!!! SNUGGLIES!!! :D

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