Friday, July 12, 2013

Vote Love August 4th!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
IT’S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GETTIN’ DOWN ON FRIDAY!!! LOOKIN FORWARD… TO THE WEEEKEEEEND!!! PARTYING, PARTYING YEAH!!! PARTYING, PARTYING YEAAAAAH!!! FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN… Yes ladies & gentlemen, it’s the weekend. Huzzah & hurray! A week from now, I’ll be back in the land that birthed me… the Beehive state… the State of Deseret… Life Elevated… Mormon Mecca… yes, UTAH!!! It should be fun… but that’s next weekend… and this weekend includes retirement parties, great temperate weather, and let’s face it… we’re lucky to be alive!!! Now without further adieu, let’s get this thing started…
NBA 2K13 Update: The Milwaukee Bucks have now won TWO consecutive NBA Championships after we beat the Heat in the Eastern finals in five games (game one was ridiculous, up 13 going into the 4th, inbounder would literally hand them the ball when he wasn’t throwing it directly out of bounds, they couldn’t miss, we couldn’t make, continued into overtime, still only lost by 3) and then swept the Phoenix Suns in the Finals. Yes, ladies & gentlemen, the Phoenix Suns & Milwaukee Bucks played each other in the simulated 2014 NBA Finals… and they even had pretty much the same rosters with the exception of me… and you were scared that it might be Spurs & Pacers in real life just last month. The intense matchups of Jared Dudley vs. Ersan Ilyasova… certainly household names (though they kinda should be, they’re great role players). Oh, I won the Finals MVP… here are some pictures from my visit to the White House… I’m the white guy behind Obama & far stage left… hmm... same suit as the style magazine... who dresses me?

Apparently they exercised a third year option on my rookie contract (that I never got to negotiate) so I’ll probably be leading them to a three-peat. The ball hogs (Ellis & Jennings) are still on the team doing their thing… but I’m learning the tricks to get the ball from them at least once in a while… and try to rack up assists as well. Basically a handful of games into the season, I’m averaging nearly twice the points that 2nd in the league is… so I think I’ve figured out how to get the MVP awards, etc now. We shall see. Also… guess who’s the new cover boy for NBA 2K14???
...and Sports Illustrated for Kids talking 'bout FEAR!!!

...and on Jordan billboards
Apparently in this universe, Chris Paul is with the Cavs
& Carmelo went to the Suns AFTER the lost to us in the FInals
Small Town Mayor – Supporters of the mayor in the tiny tourist town of Dorset, Minnesota can stuff the ballot box all they want as he seeks re-election. The mayor (a short guy) is known for his fondness of ice cream and fishing. And he's got the county's top law enforcement official in his pocket. Say hello to Mayor Robert "Bobby" Tufts. He's 4 years old and not even in school yet. Bobby was only 3 when he won the election last year as mayor of Dorset (population 22 to 28, depending on whether the minister and his family are in town). Dorset, which bills itself as the Restaurant Capital of the World, has no formal city government (or claim to the title they’ve bestowed upon themselves obviously). Every year the town draws a name during its Taste of Dorset Festival, and the winner gets to be mayor. Anyone can vote as many times as they like — for $1 a vote — at any of the ballot boxes in stores around town. Bobby is running for a second term, and he gets to draw the winning name August 4th, so it's possible he could draw his own name. God I love politics… and the lottery… and this is their bastard child. Calls of "Mr. Mayor" greet Bobby as he strolls around Dorset, handing out his campaign card. One side shows Bobby, his dark hair slicked down, wearing his tan fishing vest over a suit jacket. The other side shows Bobby sitting in a porch swing with his girlfriend, Sophie. "I would love to be your Mayor as much as I love Sophie," the card reads. "He's been pretty good. Lotta PR for the town," said his mother, Emma Tufts, 34. "I think he's doing a fine job."
Bobby's job as mayor is to greet people as they come to Dorset, located among the pines and lakes of northern Minnesota about 150 miles northwest of Minneapolis. Resorts and tourism are the main industry, and restaurants ranging from Mexican to Italian to family style line about two blocks on either side of the highway that runs through the middle of town. Bobby's major act as mayor so far has been to make ice cream the top of the food pyramid. He has many favorite flavors. "Chocolate. And vanilla. Strawberry. Cotton candy kind. And rainbow sherbet," said the mayor. On a recent steamy summer morning, Bobby skipped ahead as he led a group of about 20 children and adults on a walk on the Heartland Trail to raise money for Ronald McDonald House Charities of the Red River Valley in Fargo, N.D. He wore his signature black fedora, adorned with fishing lures and a large button with his photo, and seemed endlessly energetic. "I think he's a cute little bugger and I think a lot of people share the same, you know, opinion as me, and it's neat," Hubbard County Sheriff Cory Aukes says (not sure if Cory is male or female). "You know, how often do you see a little kid like that who's — call 'em camera-friendly or whatever, you know — he's got a very good little personality, and he's not afraid to show it. So I think it's great."
Well Mr. Mayor, your f**king days are numbered! I don’t know about you… but in MY America, you can’t BUY VOTES!!! Votes are determined by the people… and tallied… not drawn out of a hat like a rigged lottery (looking at you, David Stern!) by the very hand of who it determines. Worse yet… you promote your horrible diet to children of all ages. ICE CREAM? Clogging arteries with empty calories from fat? Business cards showing you living in sin with your girlfriend? And fishing while on the job claiming to run your city? Well, I may not have the experience of being “mayor” as you do… but I’ve got hair on my chest (and sack) and a lot more experience at LIFE and balancing a budget… not suckling at the teet of my parents while everybody else in my community are forced to work as dishwashers & waitresses for minimum wage just get by. Citizens of Dorset! You no longer have to live under this charismatic dictator’s rule! Hope is on the way… Love is on the way… and Hell’s coming with him!!! Vote Love August 4th!!!

Seriously though, I really do want to challenge a 4-year old to a political debate for the mayor of a small town that I’ve never been to. I feel like it would be an interesting inspection of the political process.
Love: “My fellow candidate Mr. Robert ‘Bobby’ HUSSEIN Tufts… believes that dinosaurs & dragons… are real. Meanwhile, my dedicated team of scientists & I are hard (bang) at (bang) work (bang) MAKING (bang) THEM (bang) A REALITY!!! Through Science!!!”
Tufts: “What’s science?”
Love: “DID YOU HEAR THAT, ladies & gentlemen? Mr. Tufts doesn’t even know… what science is… surely, spending too much time on the lake fishing for dollars to buy votes… or laaaaaazing about with his girlfriend… who by the way, records will show… IS AN UNDERAGE MINOR!!!”
Tufts: “What’s a minor?”
Love: “Either it’s somebody who digs for precious minerals… or somebody that is not of age in GOD-FEARING society!!! Sophie is a sweet little lady… but too young to be in cahoots with a political figure such as yourself.”
Tufts: “You have a girlfriend. I met her at the lake. Her name is Dizzy and she’s pretty and made me a sandwich and taught me how to draw a kitty and she…”
Love: “Yes, but she is of LEGAL AGE!!! Citizens of Dorset, is this the man… nah, CHILD that you want running your city? Diddlying the whole day long with minors? Can’t even shave nor vote? No experience?”
Reporter: “But Mr. Love, you don’t have any prior experience eith…”
Love: “I ASK YOU!!! Nay, I PLEAD with you… help me kind this child molester from representing YOU!!! Vote Love August 4th! Thank you! Praise Christ!”
For years I’ve wanted to run for an office… almost as a gaff. You know, have a camera crew around me for “behind the scenes” stuff too where it’s abundantly transparent that I don’t really have a stance or a plan… other than to make the other person uncomfortable & explain their stance or plan. Alternatively, there’s also the idea that I would actually have a stance & plan… but still call out bullsh*t against my poor opponents who are just pretty faces… and maybe throw in a couple random movie quotes or song lyrics off the fly to try to get a rise out of people & the interwebs. Any publicity is good publicity, right?
Motown Morons – A Detroit man driving an armor-plated military-type vehicle and firing what appeared to be a machine gun mounted on top caused a ripple of panic on the Fourth of July. It turned out the weapon was a modified World War II .50-caliber machine gun that had been converted to fire compressed gas. It produced bright flashes and loud gunfire sounds as the driver, a man in his 40s, drove around Shelby Township. Recordings of a series of 911 calls capture the fear of residents whose reports of the imposing sight sent officers swarming late Thursday. In one call, bangs similar to the sound of gunshots can be heard (I’m assuming along with cries of “WOOHOO AMERICA!!! F**K YEAH!!!”). Police say they arrested the driver and confiscated his vehicle. He was released Friday. Charges are pending. The real question though… is when’s police auction for that vehicle? There’s a thin line between Patriotism & Stupidity… and apparently it’s located about ten miles outside of Shelby Township, Michigan. As cool as it sounds to do something like that… just remember that people get shot all the time for just walking around with Skittles, so driving an armored car with a 50-cal machine gun could draw some REAL enemy fire. Sad thing is… had I access to an armor plated vehicle with a 50-cal… I’d probably done the same thing. Praise Christ!
Apocalypse Update - Australian police were mystified by a chaotic crime scene including a hole in the ceiling and a smelly pool of vomit-like liquid… until they found the culprit was a 5.7-meter (19-foot) python. The massive snake weighing in at 17 kilograms (37 pounds) was captured a day after a suspected burglary was reported at a charity store in Queensland in northeastern Australia. "Its head was the size of a small dog," Police Sgt. Don Auld said Wednesday. Before they found the python, investigators' working theory was that a human burglar with an appetite for destruction (and a serious illness) had gone on a rampage inside the St. Vincent de Paul store in the small town of Ingham. "We thought a person had fallen through the ceiling because the roof panel was cut in half," Auld said. "When they've hit the floor, they've vomited and then staggered and fallen over. That's what we thought anyway." Police now suspect the python entered the store through the roof, which was damaged in a cyclone two years ago. The animal then plummeted through the ceiling, knocking over dishes, clothes and other items, before relieving itself on the floor. It somehow managed to hide from officials until staff spotted it lying alongside a wall the next day. A local snake catcher was called in to capture the reptile, which has been relocated to nearby wetlands. That’s right… they’re climbing walls & coming in through the ceiling now… like f**king cat burglars… and apparently can swallow small dogs whole if they wanted. Why would this python attack an Australian thrift shop? Perhaps to find some sheets & socks to prepare for the cold battle during the Winter of our Discontent… The Final Battle… They’ve attacked us at Land & Sea for years, then took to the skies aboard (mutha f**kin’) aircraft… and soon they’ll be parachuting down around us… perhaps joining forces with other animal hordes… and even Michael Bay’s CGI explosions won’t be able to save us!!! Get me the rednecks with the 50-cal machine guns!!! It’s ON!!!
Anyway, that should do it for today’s rants about a parallel basketball universe, signs of the Apocalypse in Detroit & Australia, and verbally berating a 4-year old for my own amusement. It’s been grand. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

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