Good Afternoon Ladies &
Gentlemen,
Bart is still on strike… in other
news…
Fish Story - A fisherman in Alaska took home a catch for the ages
recently when he reeled in a 40-pound shortraker rockfish that experts believe
is at least 200 years old. The Daily Sitka Journal reported that Henry Liebman
of Seattle was deep-sea fishing off the coast of Alaska on June 21 when he
hooked the record-setting shortraker fish from a depth of approximately 900
feet. “I knew it was abnormally big (but I) didn’t know it was a record until on
the way back we looked in the Alaska guide book that was on the boat,” Liebman
told the paper. Shortrakers, which have hues of orange, pink or red on top of
their white bodies, are one of the most commonly sought fish in Alaska and can
live at depths of more than 2,500 feet. Troy Tidingco, Sitka area manager for
the state Department of Fish and Game, said the fish is still being analyzed but
he believes it is at least 200 years old. Tidingco said that would beat the
current record of 175 years. And if my calculations are correct, that’s about 25
years more. Math, b**ches! Researchers are able to determine the age of a
shortraker by the number of growth rings along its ear bone. What? Really? It’s
seriously one of those “count the rings” and you’re throwing in an ear bone?
What if humans were like that? “How old are you miss?” “22.” “Let’s see the ear…
these are obviously drawn on with an eyebrow pencil. Get back home sweetie,
you’ve got class in the morning.” However, a previously caught rougheye
rockfish, similar to the shortraker, was believed to have been 205 years old.
Still, Tydingco said that record-setting fish “was quite a bit smaller” than the
41-inch specimen Liebman caught. In 2007, a commercial fisherman caught a
similarly sized rockfish that turned out to be 115 years old. So basically… like
most bits of media information, this is probably just a pointless thing… no
records broken, just filler for a slow news day… but then again, maybe it is…
nobody knows… hence the more filler. Amazingly, researchers from the National
Oceanic and Atmospheric Association say that fish was still fertile at the time
of its capture. "The belly was large," NOAA researcher Paul Spencer told The
Associated Press. "The ovaries were full of developing embryos." Liebman told
the paper he plans to have the fish mounted back home in Seattle, but he did
provide the Alaska Department of Fish and Game with a sample so its age could be
determined. Tidingco noted that if the fish is actually as old as believed, it
would easily predate the Alaska Purchase in 1867. Scientists say they still
don't fully understand animal longevity. Normally, smaller animals tend to
outlive larger ones, though that does not necessarily appear to be true with the
rockfish. Fun fact: The oldest known animal on record was a clam believed to
have been 400-years-old. How did they find out how old it was? They asked it. I
don’t know… maybe it’s another “count the rings” thing. Maybe that’s why older
ladies tend to have more rings. Perhaps it’s a ring for each decade of life… who
knows? Science!
Eye of the Beholder – Art is a funny thing. Many will
marvel at the artistry & skill of the “Mona Lisa”, while sane people will
look at it & go “How is that different from any other of the thousands of
portraits done during that time or millions since? What’s the big deal? Is it
because Nat King Cole sang a song about it?” Strolls through an art museum for
some people can either captivate the imagination… inspire you… or befoggle your
very mind & make you question everything you thought that you ever knew
about human beings. Well, this story is a little fun with that. A pair of
Manhattan socialites are suing a private school for nearly a half-million
dollars after it allegedly tricked them into bidding $50,000 for a finger
painting done by kindergarteners. According to the lawsuit filed on Friday in
New York State Supreme Court, Michelle-Marie and Jon Heinemann claim the
Cathedral School of St. John the Divine sent them a bill for $50,000 after the
March 1 silent auction. “This is essentially a painting done by 5-year-olds,” a
"source who knows the family" told the New York Post, which first reported the
lawsuit. The school scoffed at the Heinemanns' claims. "These allegations are
sad, false and without merit," a spokesman for the Upper West Side school said
in a statement to Yahoo News. "The Cathedral School has a more than 100-year
reputation of excellence in education and service to its students and
demonstrates a profound respect for the dignity and equality of every child.”
How about some details to find out exactly what’s going on here now that we’re a
good few paragraphs into the story? The Heinemanns—whose 5-year-old son, Hudson
(I’m assuming named after the badass Gargoyle & not the smelly river),
attended the school—were not present at the auction… but instructed the school
to bid on their behalf until they won the artwork. Sigh… can you tell where this
is going yet? The Heinemanns claim the finger-painted piece should have sold for
a maximum of $3,000 (seriously?), but a high-ranking school official made a
first-grade teacher bid against the Heinemanns… resulting in the $50,000 price
tag. And that was in addition to "$6,000 worth of designer clothing items" the
Heinemanns bought and donated to the school specifically for the auction, the
suit states. Yes… and on another note, the $56,000 alone spent on this finger
painting & clothes to wear to the event for purchase of this finger painting
could have fed over 180 African adults for an entire year. This is why the world
hates us.
From the lawsuit: Additionally, Plaintiff Michelle-Marie
Heinemann, a renowned artist whose works have sold for tens of thousands of
dollars, donated significant amounts of her time to work with the children at
the school on an art project to be included in the Auction. The family
subsequently pulled Hudson out of the $39,000-a-year school. OH NO! Home
schooling? What a tragedy! (If that were really the case) According to the
lawsuit, the employee who engineered the auction scam was terminated. But the
Heinemanns say their trouble with the K-8 day school began well before the
auction. They say Hudson was "subjected to disparate and unfair treatment"
during the 2012-2013 school year. He "was consistently left out of School
exhibits and films" and "was made to go last at nearly everything," the lawsuit
claims: On one occasion, Plaintiffs' five-year-old son was relegated to the role
of "door-holder" and ordered to hold the door for all of the other students. The
Heinemanns say they tried to discuss the situation with school officials, but
"were either ignored or otherwise met with resentment." They say they "were
forced to endure humiliation and emotional damages" as a result of the auction
debacle. They're seeking $415,900 in damages, including the
following:
- Tuition to a new school- $20,000 (half the cost of previous school);
- Forfeiting deposit paid to Defendant School for the following school year- $5,000;
- Maintaining the employment of a family driver that is no longer needed due to the relocation- $60,000;
- Continuing the employment of the family housekeeper that is no longer needed due to the relocation- $1,200 per week
In
other unrelated news, I’m considering becoming a family driver and/or family
housekeeper to make $60,000-$120,000 a year. Okay, point number one: You are the
f**king idiots that set it up to screw yourself. What exactly was this auction
for? Fundraising of the school that you’re already paying $39,000 a year for
& donating your time to? You’re buying your kid’s f**king finger paintings?
“I don’t care what it costs!”? Apparently you do… and somebody took advantage of
that stupid situation that you put yourself in. Which leads me to point two, of
COURSE they took advantage of you, sucker! They didn’t even have to do a three
card monty. That game was reduced to “Okay Jack, pick the red card.” “Here, just
take my wallet & tell me if I won.” “Oh, sorry chum, them’s the breaks! Now
if you’ll excuse me, I’m fresh out of pomade.” Exits stage right to Vaudeville
piano…
Point three: Maybe your 5-year old son is just a
gentleman, holding the door for his classmates. Would you rather he be a
classroom traffic controller or educational usher? “Right this way to you seat,
Ms. Smythe!” Point four: Your son was left out of school exhibits & films?
First off, he’s five years old… I’ve seen them before, there’s absolutely no
need for them to be on exhibit unless they have horns, hair like the wolf boy or
have a third of something they’re supposed to have two. Then the price should
only be two bits a gander. As for the films, maybe your son isn’t… how do I put
this? Maybe he isn’t camera candy. Perhaps your son is more suited for behind
the camera… or radio… you know, like the Baldwin that nobody cares about or Brad
Pitt’s brother or Dick Howard. I’m sure he’s still a cute kid… but let’s face
it, he’s five years old… and he’s not going to set the cinema world on fire by
NOT being a class film about… what the hell would that even be about? Oooh…
unless it’s a reenactment of Rumplestiltzchen or the Hunchback of Notre Dame or
something… then your son could be the STAR!!! Then again, everybody would want
to be the star… because there can only be one star & everybody else plays a
f**king tree or goat or cloud or something in the background. We get it, you’re
new parents. I’m not even a parent & I understand that. Point five: Sure, go
ahead & sue for a half million dollars even though the above stipulations
don’t even reach $150,000… so the other $300,000+ is the emotional damages that
you (not your son) have endured from you being a f**king idiot? The defense
rests, your Honor. Case closed. “I told you, that’s my line!” Point six: Your
poor kid’s name is Hudson Heinemann. I almost want to beat him
up.
Chop Chop – This next courtroom story irks me to my very
core. A judge sentenced a Southern California woman who cut off her estranged
husband's penis (yeesh!) and tossed it in the garbage disposal (NOOOO!!!) to
life in prison (YAY!!!) with the possibility of parole (NO!!!)… in seven years
(Are you f**king kidding me?). Okay, now for the back-story so I can get you
informed as well as the current state of the media will allow. Catherine Kieu,
50, was convicted by an Orange County jury in April of aggravated mayhem and
torture following the July 2011 assault on her ex-husband. According to reports,
they were going through divorce proceedings (though I can’t seem to find details
as to why for motive other than she’s a crazy b**ch) when Kieu drugged her
60-year old former spouse’s tofu with sleeping pills… before tying him up to the
bed… and severing his penis with a 10-inch kitchen knife. She then threw it into
the garbage disposal unit. An attorney for Vietnam-born Kieu argued at trial
that she had suffered sexual abuse as a child which left her with post-traumatic
stress. She was remorseful about the attack, he
said.
I’m sorry… did her former husband abuse her? No? Did she
chop off the offending party’s penis forty years later until they bled out in
painful anguish? Then it doesn’t f**king matter how remorseful you are. After
the sentencing hearing, the victim - identified only as "Glen" - said he
obviously wished Orange County Superior Court Judge Richard Toohey could have
given Kieu more time behind bars, City News Service reported. Yes, more time
than “life”!!! "Deep down inside I was hoping for a stronger sentence, but given
the restraints of the law this is what he had to do," he said. "There may be a
situation where I can be happy, but whole? Never ... I've got a long ways to
go." So fellas, let’s say you got touched by an uncle when you were a kid… it’s
okay… because using this case as reference, you can get back at him by drugging
a girl forty years later, preferably somebody close like your wife, not just
some random side chick, tying her up, chopping off her breasts, throwing them in
the blender for the world’s worst smoothie, and you’ll only have to serve seven
years for your heinous act of violence against a loved one… or you can have a
pound of weed in your car. It’s about the same sentence if I’m not mistaken.
Thank you, court system! You never cease to disappoint me in every way! By the
way, I’m not a huge advocate for the Code of Hammurabi or anything as a legal
system but… somehow I feel this might be an appropriate situation. Eye for an
eye & all that sh*t. I can hear it now. “But $teve, he was 60 & probably
not even using it anymore… so no real harm done.” In that case, you’ve convinced
me that the only justice is to severely maim her vagina, like Middle East style…
because obviously she’s not going to be using hers anymore, right? You heard it,
judge. Make it happen! Or set her free in seven years because she says she’s
really sorry about it… and then she dies mysteriously one night when her house
goes up in flames after a few Vietnam vets with PTSD on hard times have
flashbacks after being given an address that they were told was for a VFW
shelter… but instead is her residence. I’m just saying, mistakes are made… and
it’s a damn tragedy. Also, I’m just picturing this b**ch getting seven years in
prison, getting a free ride & three meals a day, being idolized by all the
other b**ches in prison. “What’re you in for?” “I chopped off my husband’s penis
& threw it in the garbage disposal.” “Why?” “Because somebody touched me
inappropriately forty years ago & I have no concept of perception &
reality.” “Yeah, f**k men! Throw them all in the garbage disposal.”
Justice!
America Circa 1900 – I feel like I’ve been leaving news stories
with downers for a while now… so I’m gonna end with this. A number of panoramic
photographs from more than 100 years ago show how one man’s creative thinking
helped influence photography—especially aerial photography. In 1893,
photographer George R. Lawrence inherited a camera studio and launched his new
company with the motto, “The Hitherto Impossible in Photography is Our
Specialty." I like it already! Lawrence was particularly interested in aerial
photography, according to the Library of Congress, and in 1901 he began using a
series of creative approaches that eventually led to capturing images from
thousands of feet above Earth. Lawrence first turned to wooden ladders, but he
wanted to go higher… “How high?” “So high that he could touch the sky?” “How
sick?” “So sick that you can suck my…” Okay, Redman & Method Man moment is over
now. Anyway, Mr. Lawrence wanted to go higher… so he started using balloons to
get his unique photographs. Airplanes were not an option, because it was still
more than two years before the Wright Brothers' maiden flight in 1903. The
high-flying innovator would travel the skies above communities across the United
States to capture images of developing cities. A near-death experience
“inspired” Lawrence to move away from balloons. During one flight, the cage
Lawrence was riding in tore free from the balloon, sending him falling to the
ground hundreds of feet below. His life was saved when the cage’s fall was
broken by telephone lines (ZAP!!!). Amazingly, Lawrence walked away from the
incident unharmed. That incident also pushed Lawrence's photography to new
heights. He began experimenting with using kites, even stringing 17 of them
together to lift a 50-pound camera an estimated 2,000 feet into the air (the
prequel to “Up” entitled “Eye in the Sky”). In 1906, Lawrence famously used his
kite method to capture a panoramic view chronicling the devastating aftermath of
fires that had leveled much of San Francisco after a major earthquake. If you’re
interested, you can view the full collection of Lawrence’s aerial photographs at
the Library of Congress… but here are a few
examples…
San Francisco after the big quake of
1906
The Jersey Shore – Atlantic City
1909
Washington D.C. in 1905
Well, that’ll do it for today. I know that you’re
impressed that I’ve been cranking out a few of these entries a week again since
it has been a few years since I could… but unfortunately I wouldn’t get too used
to it. I have a little bit of free time here & there but only because it’s
kind of a lull in my busy season. I’ll certainly try to keep things up &
keep you informed… but just be aware… I’m trying hard to keep my fans (both of
them) on the cutting edge of entertainment. Have a great 4th of July weekend everybody!!! Happy birthday,
‘Merica!!!
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