Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sexy Bedtime Stories

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Softball last night was more of the same. We are now, I think 1-10. I’m not exactly sure why we suck so bad because… we’re actually pretty good players. Okay, THEY’RE actually pretty good players… but I’ve only been playing the last few games… and actually doing pretty damn good. For example, last night I went 2-for-3 with an RBI. Not too bad. I even had a couple outs playing catcher. Yet we lost 18-10. We haven’t even been drinking (much) during the games. Eh, I’m having fun anyway. Hopefully our basketball team this winter is a little more competitive though. Other than that, not much has happened. I’ll officially be spending Christmas back in Utah… but you probably already figured that much. The only time I hadn’t spent Christmas with the family was when I went to Boston for a week starting Christmas morning… and I had spent the week before that with the family. Still no idea what’ll happen for New Year’s… but that’s almost five months away. Geez… 2010 is kind of flying by, right? Sigh… Anyway, here’s some REAL news…

Kama Sutra as Narrated by Betty White - Too shy to read the Kama Sutra on the train during rush hour? I wouldn’t suspect that you would if you’re reading this blog… but just in case, now you can just take out your headphones. The ancient sex guide dating back 1,600 years has been published as an audio book for the first time in its long history in what its British-based publisher described as a "perfect meeting of ancient history and modernity." "Now there's no need to feel embarrassed by reading a copy of this wonderful and important book in public -- simply download it on to your mp3 player and liven up your commute to work," said Simon Petherick, managing director of Beautiful Books. "Some may also consider using the audio book as a step-by-step manual for improving bedroom techniques, without the need to stop and start with constant reference to a book." The Kama Sutra, narrated by a British actress (Dame Judy Dench? Mmm… or maybe Liz Hurley), is based on ancient Indian philosophies and was first translated into English in the 19th century. It contains advice on relationships and one of its chapters describes 64 types of sexual acts. Go ahead. Start counting. I’ll wait. Have their really been awkward social advances started when somebody was reading this book? I can imagine. Hell, if I were on the subway & noticed a lovely young lady reading the book, “Hey there, I couldn’t help but noticed that you were reading one of my favorite books. I especially like the chapter where it brings in the monkeys.” “Excuse me?” “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to give away the ending. Please forget I said anything. My name’s $teve by the way.” Does it sound like I’ve used that line before? It should. The only read downside to a book-on-tape (or whatever the digital equivalent is) format, would be explaining the erections when you get to the juicy parts. Am I right, guys? “Dude! What are you listening to?” “Ugh… Shakira?” “Why would you listen to Shakira?” “Have you seen her? Those videos? Caliente!” “Yeah… but why would you LISTEN to Shakira?” “Ugh… audio… memory… recognition… ism?” (quizzical look) “Are you listening to smut again?” “Sigh… sorta, but it’s historic smut.” By the way, ladies, if you ever want some of your smut translated to incredibly sexy audio narration, please feel free to give me a call (and send me the book). I’ve been told that I’m quite “entertaining” as you might imagine. Just ask Bubbles. I’ve been reading her the “I Saw You” ads in various local papers for years.

Role Reversal - The owner of an Ohio strip club and some of his dancers have been protesting at a church that has done the same to them for four years. Women in bikinis sat in camp chairs Sunday outside the New Beginnings Ministries church in Warsaw, about 60 miles northeast of Columbus. Tommy George owns the Foxhole strip club (love the name) in nearby Newcastle. He says he and his employees decided to start coming to the church because they were fed up. George says the church's pastor, Bill Dunfee, and his congregation have bothered the club's weekend patrons. He says they come armed with bullhorns, signs and video cameras for posting customers' license plate numbers online. Dunfee calls George a "parasite" and says seeing the protesters outside the church has strengthened the resolve of his flock. Anybody else think this is f**ked up? Posting license plates online? Is that legal? It’s probably a good thing that I don’t own a strip club (for many reasons) because I would have no problem with turning the hose on them. “Git on outta heya!!! Dis here MY property.” You bet I’d do the old man voice too. As for calling your followers a flock, I just find that disrespectful. Do they know that you refer to them as sheep? Just asking. I would totally join an exotic dancer protest. “Thanks for coming out and supporting us. Is your girlfriend one of the dancers? Did she convince you to come help?” “Not at all. I’m doing this because I believe DANCERS HAVE RIGHTS!!! It’s just ridiculous that the religious right wing can do whatever they want without repercussions. You ladies are just trying to make a living like everybody else. It’s not your fault that you’re amazingly gorgeous & ambitious. My name’s $teve by the way.” Does it sound like I’ve used THAT line before? Anyway, best of luck to the Foxhole. The last thing that we need is more unemployed hotties.

Too Hot for Work? – Too hot to be an engineer or a prison guard? Good looks can kill a woman's chances of snaring jobs considered "masculine," according to a study by the University of Colorado Denver Business School. Attractive women faced discrimination when they applied for jobs where appearance was not seen as important (GASP!!!). These positions included job titles like manager of research and development, director of finance, mechanical engineer and construction supervisor (I think that last one has other factors). They were also overlooked for categories like director of security, hardware salesperson (“The hammer is my penis…”), prison guard (tehehe, penal system) and tow-truck driver. "In these professions being attractive was highly detrimental to women," researcher Stefanie Johnson said in a statement, adding that attractive women tended to be sorted into positions like receptionist or secretary (or missionary or reverse cowgirl). "In every other kind of job, attractive women were preferred. This wasn't the case with men which shows that there is still a double standard when it comes to gender." The study, published in the Journal of Social Psychology, was based on giving participants a list of jobs and photos of applicants and asking them to sort them according to their suitability for the role (more on what I think of the study parameters in a moment). They had a stack of 55 male and 55 female photos. While the researchers found good-looking women were ruled out for certain jobs, they found that attractive men did not face similar discrimination and were always at an advantage. But Johnson said beautiful people still enjoyed a significant edge when it came to the workplace. They tended to get higher salaries, better performance evaluations, higher levels of admission to college, better voter ratings when running for public office, and more favorable judgments in trials. "In every other kind of job, attractive women were preferred," said Johnson, who chided those who let stereotypes affect hiring decisions. Okay, now that Stefanie is done, allow me to retort. First off, your study is flawed because you’re giving people a stack of photos & jobs… and telling them to make a decision based solely on appearance. If the job is construction supervisor, director of security, prison guard, tow-truck driver or anything like that were not only are they going to be working directly above men… but in most of those, in direct confrontation with rather large men, then yeah, you’re going to “discriminate” against a blonde 114-pound woman. That’s like saying your “discriminating” against a dwarf for the position of club bouncer. They’re at a severe disadvantage for that job. Go ahead and cry to ADA or the NCLU for a lawsuit… but then show me how you’re going to throw a 150-pound man out of the bar. Now double the size. Maybe throw in the fact that they have a schiv or a weapon of some sort. Do you still want this job? Anyway, when you base it solely on appearance, that’s what happens. I however like to look at the resume & interview portions as well when I’m determining a suitable employee. That is not taken into account. Besides, isn’t this pretty much common knowledge anyway? “What? There’s only hot prison guards on late night Cinemax movies? That’s discrimination!!!” No it’s not. I doubt that Angelina Jolie could pull that sh*t off… and she’s about the baddest b**ch I know (in this alternate universe where I know her & more importantly, she knows me). It’s just funny that there are actual funded studies for stuff like this… and yet my stereotype studies go unsponsored.

Baby Name Update – By the way, don’t think that I didn’t notice Stefanie’s name either. Though it’s an extremely mild case, I thought it made for a nice transition to my next story. An ex-convict was jailed on a charge that he harassed a nurse who laughed at his plan to name his newborn after late mob boss John Gotti. John Keinath allegedly told the nurse back in March he would strangle her for laughing at him. He was charged with felony harassment and had been free awaiting trial, but on Monday, a Snohomish County Superior Court judge ordered him held on $1 million bail. Yeah. One MILLION dollars… for saying something. The Herald of Everett reported that according to prosecutors, Keinath spent the past few months trying to trick people at Stevens Hospital into giving him the nurse's identity, and he finally learned it. That led to concerns about her safety. Keinath was arrested late last week after being chased around by local police and U.S. marshals. His previous convictions include a drive-by shooting and assaulting someone with a piece of pipe. It was unclear if Keinath has an attorney… but what if THIS was the 3rd strike or something like that… and he would get life in prison because he said something in anger when a nurse told him that she thought John was a stupid name? Better yet, what if her name (since the identity’s a secret) was something that he thought was stupid? That’s why I feel sorry for celebrity kids that just because their parents are douchebags who want to be unique, they get stuck with a name like Bronx Mowgli or Apple or Jermajesty. Oh that’s right, I brought one of the Jacksons into the mix too. What now? Anyway, kind of an odd story that I thought I’d share with you. Just don’t laugh at what other people name their kin & why… unless you’re absolutely sure they won’t have you whacked or off’d or whacked off or whatever.

Adult Name Update - A judge is considering whether a Pittsburgh-area man can legally change his name to Boomer the Dog after a short-lived television series. The man who went to court Tuesday is 44-year-old Gary Guy Mathews, of Green Tree, Pennsylvania. He is a fan of the 1980s NBC series "Here's Boomer," which featured a dog who rescued people. That’s not all though. He's also an enthusiast of Anthrocon. That's an annual convention of people dedicated to anthropomorphism, the practice of attributing human characteristics to animals. Mathews says his friends already call him Boomer, as did his late parents, though that took some persuading. Allegheny County Judge Robert Folino says he'll take a couple of days to decide. He says he could nix the request if it results in "unintended consequences" like being "seen as bizarre." Really? A judge can do that? Nice. Anyway, if an adult want to change their name to Chad Ochocinco or Boomer the Dog or Dog the Bounty Hunter or $tevonia or simply “?” that’s fine with me, they’re fully grown individuals… though there are obvious problems with punctuation in certain computer fields with a few of those. However, don’t be angry if your mama calls you Gary, I’m gonna call you Gary. I have a friend that answers only to Pork Chop. I’m pretty sure that it’s not on his driver’s license… but hey, I’ll take his word for it, whatever. Do what you want. However, if I’m checking your ID at a club… and I kind of snicker a bit because it says your name is Boba Fett McLovin and think that it sounds fake, just don’t be surprised. It’s unusual. Like a hot prison guard.

Anyway, that’ll do it for tonight. Hope you all enjoyed my ramblings about discrimination and labeling and blah blah blah. Still can’t wait to hear the Kama Sutra read to me by M herself. That should be awesome. Oh… and remember, if you want erotic novels, children’s books or anything of the sort (even math books, I’ll find a way to make it dirty) narrated for yourself or the kids, please let me know. I know I’m barely literate but I get the gist from the pictures and fill in the blanks on my own… and I sound like Billie Dee Williams. “One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish… mmm…” “Ooooooh… Lando…” Have a great night everybody!!!

1 comment:

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