Friday, August 20, 2010

Mookie Love Can't Lose

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s Friday!!! What does that mean? $teve needs to find himself something to do this weekend… that hopefully won’t completely break the bank of course. So what kind of ideas do I have for this weekend? Well, I’m REALLY thinking about going camping… by myself (well, with Gretchen) or maybe the roommate… to one of the most beautiful places in the world… which happens to be a few hours from here… in Yosemite National Park. I really don’t see a whole lot of problems with this last-minute plan, other than it’s supposed to get around freezing Saturday night… and I’ll be by myself in the park, probably sleeping in Gretchen (no tent, but I’ve slept in smaller cars before). Aside from that, I really like the idea… because it shouldn’t be as busy (kids going back to school this week), I haven’t experienced the park yet, and there’s plenty to fill two days of sightseeing with. Anyway, we shall see if this comes to pass… but you know me… you should probably expect pictures in the next few days. Other than that, things are good. Still trying to set up the basketball team with work & a few of the guys are REALLY excited about it… so that’s great.

Last night, I watched the first few episodes of a show that I remembered really liking as a kid… but I couldn’t quite remember why other than it had bright colors and quick scene transitions. I know, awesome right? The show was “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” and within the pilot episode, I remembered why I liked it. For those who don’t remember, it’s basically a high school set Ferris Bueller inspired sitcom about a cool kid who basically can do no wrong. He’s a wiseass BS’er with a heart of gold, which probably explains why I liked it so much… knowing that one day I would grow up to become him. It has all the standard high school types – the dumb friend, the brown-noser, the giant football bully, the hall monitor, the evil principal, and of course… the hot eye candy. So… how did I instantly remember why I liked the show? My baby mama Milla Jovovich was in the pilot episode… and this was “Return to Blue Lagoon” early twenties Milla. Yeah… if only I were a big time director… So yeah, I might check out a few more episodes. So far it’s your standard high school stuff but at least it’s not completely angsty & moody. It’s actually kind of funny at moments… though the catch phrase “Not a problem” is wearing a little thin on me… which is really bad because I actually say it a lot. If you catch me doing it, please tell me to stop. Thank you. Anyway, check it out if you want. I enjoy it. Here’s the news… but first... Milla from my childhood...
You know, it really does take skills to make a career
out of wearing scarfs as tops... like Return to the Blue
Lagoon, Fifth Element & this show...

My Kind of Governor – You all know that I am especially giddy about the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of Ca-li-for-ni-a. He’s the American Dream incarnate, as I’ve discussed before. Well, in Wisconsin, there’s another interesting candidate for governor. If he doesn't win the Wisconsin governor's race, Republican candidate Mark Neumann may have a future in holding beer steins. The former congressman defeated three other contestants Thursday night in a stein-holding contest in Milwaukee, advancing him to the national competition in New York. Yes, there’s a national stein holding contest. The contest requires competitors to hold a stein full of beer with their arm fully extended. Neumann made it about five minutes, saying he "definitely played to win." He wound up in Thursday's regional competition by winning a local contest in February by holding his stein nearly seven minutes. In his other contest, Neumann is being challenged for the Republican nomination by Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker. Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett is running as a Democrat. Pretty nice, huh? That’s one thing I never found in Utah, a governor that could hold his booze. Ah, if only there was a gubernatorial arm wrestling competition. Could you imagine? It’d be worth re-elected Jesse “The Body” Ventura just to see him and Arnie go at it. Then again, I think there are a few others who may sneak up into the finals. Those gentlemen are in their sixties. With a lifestyle of healthy living, maybe Jon Huntsman could give them a run for their money. Only one way to find out…

Bank Robbing Update – I’m still really considering starting up this “Bank Robbing Monthly” to make some dough. Anyway, beer & Katarina Witt aren’t the only good things to come out of Germany, so is this story. A German bank robber led his pursuers straight to him after taunting police in an email over their efforts to catch him. Authorities in the southern city of Wuerzburg said on Wednesday the 19-year-old sent emails to police and two newspapers to point out factual errors in the report of his bank raid in the town of Roettingen a week ago. According to daily Bild, he mocked the police for getting his age, height and accent wrong then pointed out he escaped in a car, not on foot. "His game of cat and mouse went all wrong," a Wuerzburg police spokesman said. Police traced his email and arrested him in a gambling hall in Hamburg just a few hours later. "He was completely shocked," the spokesman said. Then again… maybe that’s all part of his plan. I mean… Germans are supposed to be smart, tactical technicians of precision, and taunting the police by email is basically stupid American arrogance. Oh yeah, I said it. To get caught this way, must have been some part of his evil plan (or he should at least play it off like it was). “Yes, I vanted to get caught. Vass is der point of pulling off the perfect crime if nobody knows who ist behind it, ja?” (I apologize for the bad accent, Ruben) “DAS IST der point!!! To not get caught… but vee are glad that you decided against logic diss time. Auf wiedersehen.” So basically, if this was part of his plan... I give it a B... unless there's more elaborate plans involved later for extra credit. If not, then you get a D for Dumbkopf. "I can't believe you didn't figure out that my name was Jurgen Schittzengiggles and I live at 257 Bergerstrasse in Hamburg. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the gambling hall to try and launder my money so that I can file my taxes and this money is legitimate..."

Grope Free Trains - Women-only train carriages were launched this week in Jakarta in Indonesia, the world's most populous Muslim country, in an attempt to avert groping and sexual harassment on packed commuter trains. Women can choose to board the female-only, orange and pink-seated carriages at the front and rear of trains (to form a hot sexy sandwich) in Jakarta, the latest in a growing number of cities to offer women-only services. The state-owned railway operator, PT Kereta Api Indonesia (KAI), said it had not received many complaints about sexual harassment but the company had noticed that many women avoided densely-packed trains. "The women-only carriages are aimed to make women feel comfortable," an official at PT KAI told Reuters Television. PT KAI is now providing 20 female-only carriages and plans to add more in the next three months. One female commuter headed for Bogor city was pleased with the new carriages. "I feel respected. As you may be aware, sexual harassment took place on packed trains," the commuter, giving her name just as Dennisa (hmm… there may be some cross-dressing shenanigans at play with a name like that, “My name is ugh… $teve… a… $teva”), told Reuters Television. The trains, manufactured in Japan, are the only fast public transport service between the four city suburbs connecting Jakarta. Women account for almost half of the 500,000 commuters a day (this only has to be specified because it IS the most populous Muslim country in the world). Female-only carriages on trains were first introduced in the festive, year-end season in Japan in 2000 as a way to stop sexual harassment. These carriages are now offered in Tokyo and Osaka, Japan's two biggest cities. Since then the popularity of women-only carriages has spread internationally with countries including India, Malaysia, Taiwan and Brazil also operating women-only carriages. Mmm… a female-only passenger train filled with Brazilian women… public transportation just got reeeeeally hot… Good idea, right? Why didn’t I think of this before? I could get all the free gropage I want… just by taking the subway. No more dating (which wasn’t doing anything except wasting my money anyway), going to clubs, awkward roller skating, pretending to have a bad leg, faking an accent and claiming “is just my culture” and various other tactics… when I could just go on a train and casually dry hump a girl while it takes me across town. Brilliant idea really. What? Oh, you thought I meant the female-only cars? Yeah, that’s a great idea too… but not as much as the gentlemen’s cars where some ladies looking to make extra money can dance on clean subway poles & serve drinks while they go across town. Don’t laugh. I’m sure somebody out there is reading this right now and thinking “That could work…”

This Week in Caning – I have yet to experience Singapore. From what I understand, it’s truly one of the marvelous cities of the world… and I hope to experience it someday… but why is it that every time I hear a news story out of there, it involves somebody getting caned? Not that I’m completely opposed to the form of punishment… but I don’t want to get caned for swearing over there or something like that. A Singapore court on Wednesday extended a jail term for a Swiss man by two months to seven and maintained an earlier ruling that he receives three strokes of the cane for trespassing and spray-painting graffiti on a train (not a female-only car). The harsher sentence, which reinforced the city-state's low tolerance for even minor crimes, would deter future copycat offenders, Singapore Appeals Court's Judge V.K. Rajah said in the ruling. "It is conduct which is entirely unacceptable in Singapore, regardless of the artistic merit (or lack thereof) of the graffiti," the judge said in a written statement. In June, Oliver Fricker, 32, was sentenced to three strokes of a rattan cane and five months in prison after he pleaded guilty to breaking into a train depot in May and spray-painting the graffiti across two carriages. Both prosecutors and Fricker appealed the ruling. The Court of Appeal ruled on Wednesday the imprisonment for the fence-cutting part should be increased (“D’oh!”). Fricker was accompanied at the time by with a man identified as Lloyd Dane Alexander, a Briton, who was in Singapore for just three days, according to the prosecution. Singapore has sought the extradition of Alexander, who it said was last believed to be in Hong Kong. Wanna know something else? Singapore outlaws the sale of chewing gum and has strict fines for littering… and I kid you not, a mandatory death sentence for drug peddling. The result? The crime rate on the sparklingly clean island nation of 5 million people is among the lowest in the world. Singapore's vandalism laws became global news in 1994 when American teenager Michael Fay was caned for damaging cars and public property, despite appeals for clemency from the United States government, including then President Bill Clinton. So is caning the key to financial success and overall cleanliness for your sovereign state? Maybe just a little something to think about… and at least it’ll deter those damn Swiss kids and their graffiti… or those dastardly Canadian gum chewers.

On that note, I will bid you a glorious weekend. I hope that you can find something to do with those that you love and enjoy this wonderful life that you’ve been given. If you need help, feel free to give me a call… and if I don’t answer, I may just be where there’s no reception in the heart of the Sierra Mountains. I’ll call back though. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

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