Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Bullies Are BACK

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy Day!!! I’m excited for the weekend (though I still have quite the workweek ahead of me first), my mom & dad call me everyday to make sure I’m doing okay, the weather hasn’t been too horrible & it’s still gorgeous here, and while reminiscing about our epic two-day drive across four of the biggest states in the Union last winter, Filly said “U make Texas seem fun” which very well may be the nicest thing that anybody has ever said to me. Those of you who have driven across the entirety of the Lone Star State know exactly what I’m talking about. Other than that, a bunch of TV show that I didn’t watch a whole lot of had their series finales (24, Lost, Law & Order, etc) while Playboy went 3-D. You can guess which one interested me more. So yeah, not a whole lot else going on for me. For that, I apologize. I’ll be sure to get out there and do more. Maybe when the temp goes above 40, I’ll get out there and try the Frisbee Golf course a few blocks from my apartment. Why? Why the hell not? Maybe I’ll meet a few hippie chicks and get a Frisbee Foursome going by the back nine. Anyway, here’s the news…

Tallest American - Guinness World Records has recognized a Minnesota man as the tallest man in the United States. The Guinness World Record Association measured Rochester's Igor Vovkovinskiy (voh-kov-IN'-ski) at 7 feet, 8.33 inches tall during NBC's "The Dr. Oz Show" on Monday. He edged out Norfolk, Va., sheriff's deputy George Bell by a third of an inch. The 27-year-old Vovkovinskiy is originally from Ukraine but moved to Minnesota with his mother when he was 7 years old for treatment at the Mayo Clinic for a pituitary disease that spurred his rapid growth (did I mention he’s 7’8”?). Vovkovinskiy now attends the Minnesota School of Business and is pursuing a degree in paralegal studies. Guinness says the world's tallest man is Turkey's Sultan Kosen. He measures in at 8 feet, 1 inch tall. So that’s cool that Igor’s the tallest American…but the most gripping thing about that story…was that there’s a sheriff’s deputy in Norfolk who’s f**king HUGE!!! I’m glad they kinda warned me. I’m not sure how I would react if I get pulled over and am asked for my license & registration by a behemoth. (Andre the Giant voice) “License & registration please.” “Sure thing officer. You must have some kind of cold to sound like JESUS CHRIST!!! (As I scurry over into the passenger seat)” “Sir, please calm down. (sniff sniff) What’s that smell?” “What do you think it is? I mean… I’m tall but… holy crap, dude. Is your squad car a drop top?” “Hahaha, license & registration please.” “Here you go. Wow. So… do like your handcuffs even go around your wrists? Do you still have a standard issue pistol? I’m thinking it’d look like a toy gun in those banana hands. When there’s a riot, do they just send you in to say ‘Everybody MOVE!!!’? Can you just pick up the back of a car if they try to drive away? Who makes your uniform? I’ll bet the donut shop just cries whenever they see you walking up.” “Sir, please shut the f**k up.”

U3-X Personal Mobility Device – My mom sent me this one…and so I thought I’d share it with you. Yeah, we've seen a self-balancing unicycle before, right? No? Okay then, well the brand new U3-X from Honda takes it to another level. A creepy-sterile, awesomely futuristic Honda level, to be precise. What makes the U3-X particularly interesting is it has the regular large wheel of a unicycle, but that wheel is actually made up of several small wheels in a series, which can rotate independently, meaning that the device can go forward, backward, side-to-side and diagonally, all being controlled with a simple lean. Honda credits its ASIMO research for this multi-directional capability, though I don’t see it (ASIMO is the biped robot that I’m sure you’ve all seen on South Park) but far be it from me to discredit an excuse to keep up the good work on the ASIMO front. Right now the "experimental model" of the U3-X gets a single hour of battery and weighs under 22 pounds, with a seat and foot rests that fold into the device for extra portability. No word of course on when the thing might make it to market, but Honda plans to show it off at the Tokyo Motor Show. The link has video…but yeah, it’s a unicycle segway. Speaking of South Park, remember the episode where Mr. Garrison builds a fuel-efficient & inexpensive alternative to the airlines? Doesn’t this kind of bear a striking resemblance to it? Just a thought.

Mugshot of the Week - Police say a suspect in a Colorado home invasion had the evidence written all over his face. A tattoo on the upper lip of 20-year-old Anthony Brandon Gonzales led to his arrest last week in the home invasion of an Elvis impersonator in Pueblo County (yes, an Elvis impersonator…in Pueblo, Colorado). A witness told police that one of the invaders had "East Side" tattooed on his upper lip. Gonzales also has a "13" tattooed on his chin in the shape of a goatee. According to an affidavit, the tattoos were visible even though Gonzales was wearing a mask. Gonzales was already in jail on a separate drug charge. Police have now charged him with the April burglary, too. Sgt. Eric Bravo said his distinctive tattoo led to the charge, saying, "it's hard to miss him." Indeed it is…and that’s why he gets the prestigious Mugshot of the Week.

Water Fight - What started out as an innocent squirt gun fight between children turned into a potentially dangerous situation for a Woonsocket, Rhode Island neighborhood. Firefighters on Sunday responded to reports of a strong smell of ammonia in the basement of a Grove Street home. Investigators told WPRI-TV they found a smoking 7-gallon barrel of sodium hydroxide, prompting a hazardous materials team response and the evacuation of three homes. Sodium hydroxide, commonly used to clear drains, reacts strongly with water, creating an odor and heat. Investigators determined that water dripped into the barrel during a kids' water gun fight in the basement. The chemical was removed and no one was hurt. The homeowner thinks the chemical was in the basement when he bought the home…along with the Swedish-made penis enlarger pump found on an adjacent shelf. “That’s not my bag, baby.” It just goes to show, parents have to watch their kids…even when they’re locked down in the basement. “Dammit, you’re getting water all over the house. Why don’t you kids go down in the basement to play?” What’s the worst that could happen? Apparently, hazmat can be called to your house. God I want to play with a Super Soaker now.

Sinatra Update - Martin Scorsese tells The Hindu that the script is ready for his planned feature film about Frank Sinatra's life, and he's already got in mind whom he wants to tackle the two key roles. "I've had it in mind for a long time. Even the initial script is ready. I'm yet to spot the actor who can bring back Frank Sinatra alive on screen. My choice is Al Pacino, and Robert DeNiro as Dean Martin" says Scorsese. The names are surprising as several other high-profile names have been previously linked to the role, with Johnny Depp the studio's favorite while George Clooney is the choice of Sinatra's own daughter Nancy. Also, let’s face it, it’s a Scorsese flick, so it’s kind of assumed that Leonardo DiCaprio would play the role. Universal Pictures is producing the biopic which is expected to show the darker side of the singer along with the more musical side. This may just all be a ploy by Martin to get what he wants…but hey, you know me. I’m all for Pacino & DeNiro. I’m just not sure that they can pull off the younger version of Sinatra & Dino. If so, then not only should they get Academy Awards…but the makeup team should get them too. Depp? Clooney? DiCaprio? McLovin? I’m pretty interested in this project…and how it will be cast…but please keep in mind, we’re talking about the guy who cast Willem Dafoe as Jesus in “The Last Temptation of Christ” a few years back. (shiver)

Jesus Update – Okay, so it’s not really a Jesus update…but sorta. Sam Rockwell, Bette Midler, Kim Cattrall and British singer Pixie Lott have joined the cast of the 70's-set comedy "Sweet Baby Jesus" for Intandem Films says Deadline. Rockwell and Lott will play an expecting hippie couple who arrive in Bethlehem, Maryland to visit the woman's mother (Cattrall). There they reveal the pregnancy is not via the boyfriend and the townspeople are convinced they're about to witness the Second Coming (instead of a one-night stand at a Grateful Dead concert gone wrong). Midler plays the owner of a guesthouse that is putting up the couple (no room at the Inn?). Steve Blair pens the script and Peter Hewitt ("Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey") directs the $10 million project. Filming kicks off this August in Maryland and Ireland (spoiler alert: Jesus is Irish). Okay, this has some potential to be funny. Sam Rockwell’s always hilarious in his own way, hippies, biblical humor, and Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey wasn’t too bogus. Coming to an indie film house or Netflix near you…

Fox Update – Have you seen the preview for “Jonah Hex” yet? No? Yeah, I caught it once and… I hate to say it… I hope it doesn’t suck. Look a lot better than the first movie that comes to mind...which sadly is "Wild Wild West." We shall see. Anyway, can’t get enough of thinking about Megan Fox in tight fitting corsets? Me neither. That’s why this rambunctious little rumor makes me a little giddy…and I don’t care if it’s founded in hearsay & conjecture that I may or may not have started in the blogosphere. Megan Fox is set to get the ultimate revenge on Transformers director Michael Bay. No, not by f**king his best friend…but by accepting a role in the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie! The actress, who apparently quit the action flick after Bay told her she looked unhealthily thin, is already busy plotting her comeback. “Megan is mulling over a number of big movie offers including another sci-fi franchise and a role in the next Pirates of the Caribbean,” reveals a source close to the actress. “She would play a mermaid who charms Captain Jack but she has a dark motive. Megan has always loved Johnny and is desperate to work with him (watch out Brian). She’s grateful to Transformers for making her name but she’s ready to move on to better and bigger things.” Okay, so even better than a corset is an evil succubus in a shell bikini top…and maybe a necklace around the waist. As you might expect, I like the idea. I’m also a little curious as to what the other sci-fi franchises might be. Star Trek? Serenity sequel? Starship Troopers reboot? BARBARELLA??? Anyway, first things first. Jonah Hex is out in a few weeks, then Passion Play at an indie house near you, then we’ll see where it goes from there. I also really like the idea of “Oh, I’m too skinny or whatever for your movie, Mr. Pearl Harbor? Well, it just so happens that Jerry Bruckheimer has an eye candy role in an action flick for me…with Johnny Depp instead of that Feldman, Shia LaBeouf. So long, b**ch!!! Suckiteasy…” Best of luck to you, Miss Fox. As I’ve often said, the best revenge is a life well lived. And besides, it'll be a great transition into "Fathom" later on...

Well, that’ll do it for today. Game 4 of Lakers / Suns is tonight…and frankly, I really don’t care who wins the NBA championship. I’d like to see the Suns do it…just because I have to root for the fellow $teves (Nash & Kerr) but we shall see. Oddly enough, I’m more excited about the Broad Street Bullies (Philadelphia Flyers) being back in the Stanley Cup Finals against the Chicago Blackhawks. The teams haven’t won the cup since 1975 & 1967 respectively. Some town’s going to have a huge parade party in a week or so. Make sure that your cars aren’t parked on the street…and have a great day everybody!!!

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