Sitting or Lying Prohibited

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Wow, it’s been a busy busy week catching up and hanging out with JL Clyde and then with B-Dub & J-Dub. There was even a nice snowstorm last Monday just to throw everybody off. My mom’s back on U.S. soil (granted it’s Alaska for a few days, then back to Utah). I’m officially on a softball team. Our first practice was this past weekend…and I need some work. Oh, and speaking of work, I just had my 10 Year Anniversary with the company. I know, I know. You’re impressed and they’re f**king lucky to have me. You’re absolutely right. Thank you very much. Other than that, not a whole lot going on. The Tahoe area is gorgeous…and Friday night in Reno was pretty awesome too…as I will show you with some pictures…

My new favorite sushi place - Hiro's

Though that guy at the end of the bar looks like trouble...

This is in the bathroom. AWESOME!!!

Why is this Reno motel out of business?

My guess - Lawsuit from In-n-Out Burger

Everybody hates clowns

My kind of art...

Wedding Chapel with 3 options - Western...

Swan Lake...

and Traditional (sorta)

B-Dub's face in a bush

I'm skeptical of a sushi place owned by a fertility god

What does this look like to you? Me too.

First Hottie Update - A French documentary film on the first lady of France Carla Bruni-Sarkozy that is still in the final stages of production has been sold for release in a dozen countries, the distributor said Wednesday. Filmed over 18 months, "The Birth of a First Lady" is a close-up look at President Nicolas Sarkozy's wife as she learns the ropes, mastering protocol at the Elysee and abroad. The 90-minute documentary, pared down to 52 minutes for international audiences (with short attention spans for boring, pretentious French films), is one of the most talked-about items up for sale at the MIPDOC industry show held in Cannes. Distributors in Austria, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Germany, Sweden and Switzerland have already bought the rights to the documentary, said Isabelle Graziadey of the Terranoa company in charge of overall distribution. Deals are under negotiation with Italy and Spain while Australia, Britain, Greece, Portugal and the United States have also expressed an interest, she said. "This is really unusual," said Graziadey. The documentary, which will soon be aired in France, shows "how becoming a first lady can change a woman's life," she said. The Italian-born 42-year-old former supermodel is shown chatting with other first ladies and also sits down for interviews at the Elysee to talk to the documentary producers about her new life. The former supermodel-turned-singer married Sarkozy in February 2008 and has accompanied him on state visits and taken on philanthropic work dealing with AIDS in Africa. She released her third album soon after her marriage to the president and has kept up her singing career, appearing in New York last year for a concert in honor of Nelson Mandela's 91st birthday. So why hasn’t the United States picked this up? “Is she naked? No? Excuse me. I have to take this call. Have your people call my people.” Wow, who knew that becoming the President’s wife could change your life? Supermodel to singer to princess, it’s like a Disney flick…but in French…and Italian. Mmm… Fritalian…

Spartan Panty Raider - Police say a 19-year-old Michigan State University student who pilfered 79 pairs of women's panties faces possible charges. East Lansing Police Sgt. Florene McGlothian-Taylor tells The Detroit News all 79 items were thongs (that thong tho-thong-thong-thong. Admit it, you miss Sisqo). McGlothian-Taylor says the suspect, who has not been named, was arrested April 7 after another student saw him taking underwear from a dryer in a dorm basement laundry room. Police have been investigating since March 22, when someone reported the theft of 15 pairs of panties from the same laundry. The man told police it was a prank and denied having a sex addiction (and that he was just going to sell them off on eBay for tuition and Top Ramen noodles). Police released the student. McGlothian-Taylor says one victim wants to file charges (love stains?) but that Ingham County prosecutors must decide if he will be charged. I can just see the guy in the interrogation room about this. “I’m telling you, I don’t have a sex addiction…well, at least more than any other man. It was just a prank.” “Why? And on that note, why were they all stuffed into a pillow case on your bed?” “It’s the last place anybody would’ve looked for them. It’s not like I would plunge face-first into bed every night and motorboat the sh*t out of the case. That would be weird and freaky and develop some sort of rash on my face for about a week.” Good luck with the authorities…and my shipment still hasn’t arrived.

Wonder Pants - Businessmen who vowed to hit the gym daily in 2010 but are yet to leave the desk are the target of a new, fast-growing line of high-tech underwear which boasts to trim the torso while also benefiting your health. Just ask Gavin Jones, co-founder of Australia-based company Equmen which has pioneered "fitwear" for men who spend the week hunched over desks in high-stress jobs and weekends chasing their children. Jones said compression wear was well researched and accepted among elite athletes as was shapewear for women that trims and smoothes those stubborn bulges (mmm…), but when he stood in front of the mirror he had one question -- what about me? "I was just beginning to show the signs of wear and tear. I had a pretty active 20s and 30s and maintained a great social life and played sport but I was just starting to turn the corner into middle age," Jones, 43, a former journalist, told Reuters. While women have quickly snapped into the increasing lines of shapewear, trebling sales in the past decade according to the market research NPD Group, Jones realized men wanted more than a male girdle or "mirdle" (fun word to say) to trim the beer gut if they were to upgrade from their boxers or cotton briefs with fancy waistband. In partnership with an American friend and former investment banker Corie Chung, Jones spent about a year and about $1.4 million of his own money researching and developing a new product line that was more mainstream than the compression wear around and came with health benefits. They found a manufacturer in Israel who could produce a high-elasticity blend of fabrics which was seamless and flexible. This led to Equmen's range of undershirts and underpants hitting the market a year ago, boasting to help back support, better posture, and improved blood circulation as well as a better shape -- and maybe even a lower golf score. The line is sold in Australia, Britain, the United States, Canada, Spain, South Africa, and Taiwan with plans to move this year into Scandinavia, South Korea, Japan and New Zealand. The company is introducing socks to its collection (to tone your feet?). "Sales have outstripped our expectations and we are in very good shape," said Jones, forecasting sales for 2010/11 rising to about $12 million and turnover of 200,000 units from about $7 million and 95,000 units in 2009/10. Chung, 30, said they were even working on a range of women's fit wear, Equfem, which they hoped to hit the market early 2012. Other companies are now also starting to produce fashionable, shapewear for men such as Calvin Klein's X line and Marks & Spencer's Bodymax range but Chung said men will remain Equmen's key focus, with professional men the main target. "Our primary consumer is between 30 and 55. It is the slightly middle to older demographic because those health benefits become more powerful the older you get," said Chung, whose experience also includes working as a product and marketing manager at Revlon and L'Oreal. "We are focusing mainly on metropolitan and urban areas where people are under the most pressure and stress." So…from what I gather, this is basically the equivalent of wearing a wetsuit to the office…under your suit? And this tones you…or at least just helps you suck in your gut? Sigh… Okay. Well, at least one good thing came out of this article. Mirdle. Say it with me everybody. Mirdle!!! Mirdle!!! Mirdlemirdlemirdle…

Hooters Update - An under-16 Australian Rules football team has come under fire for entering a sponsorship deal with a local Hooters franchise, with critics saying the move could give adolescent boys the wrong message (and frequent erections diverting blood away from their precious brains). The Broadbeach Cats team in Australia's Gold Coast were cheered on by two skimpily-dressed staff from the Mermaid Beach franchise of the American restaurant chain during their home game against local side Labrador on the weekend (Are you f**king kidding me? Maybe I should take to a local franchise about our softball team). "The message these boys are getting -- and bear in mind we're talking 15 and 16-year-old boys -- is that ... as a young footballer you have an entitlement to large-breasted women in skimpy outfits bouncing around at your games," women's advocate Melinda Tankard Reist said on an Australian morning television show…and she’s absolutely correct. Restaurant owner Morney Schledusch described the criticism as "ridiculous." "Our waitresses represent the all-American cheerleader. And no, they don't all have big boobs. We are all about sport. We had a great opportunity here to show Australia what we are really about." The staff members would not be back to cheer on more matches and their presence had not affected the Broadbeach players, who romped to a big win over Labrador, the team's coach Neil Boston said. "They are here to play football -- that's all." Apparently some bloke’s wife had an opinion and put a padlock on her poke. Look, you have to know that I’m all for this, right? Not just because of the obvious eye candy when I’m watching something that resembles a bunch of teenage boys playing grab-ass…but because I’m a proud athletic supporter. There’s a major difference between playing a game in front of a crowd that’s only your parents (half of which don’t even want to be there) and a crowd of hundreds that want to watch a competitive match…and then be entertained during the timeouts. It’s something that everybody should experience…and for that, I fully support this decision…even though the coach has already backed out of it. I think there should be more sponsorships like this. I think Roger Goddell, the commissioner of the NFL, needs to seize this opportunity to promote America’s perfection of the sport of football in places like Australia…and I think there’s some great cheerleading talent down under. I’m certain that it would make my Dijareedoo.

Marilyn Biopic - After giving Chopper Reid in “Chopper” and Jesse James the part biographical/part-dramatized treatment in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”, Australian filmmaker Andrew Dominik is looking to do the same to THE Marilyn Monroe. The Playlist reports that last year Dominik penned a script on spec based on Joyce Carol Oates' imaginary Monroe memoirs "Blonde". At the time it looked unlikely to happen as he didn't have the life rights to Monroe from her estate. Now, Naomi Watts is attached to star, a $20 million budget has been set and Wild Bunch is currently selling the proposed film at Cannes. Dominik says “I want to tell the story of Norma Jean as a central figure in a fairytale; an orphan child lost in the woods of Hollywood, being consumed by that great icon of the twentieth century.” Production kicks off next January for a likely late 2011 release. Though my guess is that the working title will be something like “The Accidental Death of Marilyn Monroe by Painkillers or JFK or RFK or a Pre-Existing Genetic Heart Condition or Perhaps Alien Visitors of Some Sort” instead of “Blonde.” It’s gonna be hard to top “Norma Jean & Marilyn” starring Ashley Judd & Mira Sorvino as an HBO movie bipolar-schizo Marilyn…but hey, I’ll watch it. You know this. The last one started with Ashley Judd naked in a church…and there’s really only one way to go from there. And I er ugh…do a pretty good JFK impersonation if you’re looking to cast a squinty-eyed stud in the role, Mr. Dominik.

Paris: City of Lights, Love & Littering Locks - Lovers in Paris were left feeling a little less welcome this week after the tokens of their ardor mysteriously disappeared from one of the city's most romantic spots. For years love-struck couples have been fastening padlocks to the railings of the Pont des Arts, engraving them with their initials, adding a few sentimental words and then tossing the keys into the Seine River below to symbolize their eternal love. The hundreds of "love locks" (like the city in Nevada) adorning the Napoleonic passarelle under the watchful eye of Notre Dame Cathedral came in all shapes, sizes and styles from sparkling colors to rusting clunkers all bearing witness to love. They vanished overnight sometime before Wednesday morning. In a bid to preserve the 19th century bridge's structure, the town hall had said it planned to dispense with romance and had ordered the locks to be removed at an unspecified time. Officials in the "City of Love" appeared reluctant to take credit for sullying this new tradition now that it has happened. The various municipal authorities in charge of the bridge said they had not taken the final decision for the overnight raid to remove the detritus of love when asked by Le Parisien newspaper. Parisian authorities and town cleaning services contacted by Reuters declined to comment. Tourists and locals were baffled as to why the authorities would want to ruin romance in a city whose reputation as a haven for lovers is a huge draw for visitors from around the world. Passing strollers told Reuters that the locks of love may not have all have been beautiful works of art, but they had become an accepted Parisian tradition. "There were small ones, big ones, pretty ones, ugly ones ... it's clear that it didn't obey the rules of art (much like the rules of Love)," said Jean-Baptiste Guilbert from Rennes in northern France. "There needs to be the same padlocks on the left and the right and that's not the case, so maybe that's why they took them off." Another couple ambling along expressed disappointment. "It was a bit romantic and all that. It was nice and it's a shame really," said Felix Pinquier, whose partner Alix Camus said they gave the footbridge an "artistic aspect" fitting for its name. A few lucky locks have survived the cull. The thought of removing a distinctly antique-looking padlock bearing the inscription "Love Never Ends" next to the word "Paris" may have just been too much for the person lumbered with the task (or he just said f**k it and got some breakfast). And in a testament to love's indomitable spirit, a few shiny new locks have already started to re-appear. "We got married a week ago," said Brazilian newlywed Mariana, fixing her padlock to the now-bare railings. "We want to put it there to symbolize our love." But if this week's cull is an indication of the local authority's intentions and the bridge is to face a bare future, then lovers may still have another way to show their affection (PDA’s?). Just a few steps from the passarelle lies a tree with the first initials of a few romantic souls carved into it. It just goes to show…vandalism is perfectly acceptable…as long as it’s in the name of Love. So when you see “$teve + Megan Fox Forever” carved into Napoleon’s Tomb…then you’ll know why. Then again, if you want to show your True Eternal Love for somebody…there’s a much more effective, dangerous, and therefore romantic way…

Tattoos are for Pansies – Branding is the way to show your love. Tattoos are great and many a failed relationship have involved them. Seriously? Have you ever seen a couple that’s been together for 20+ years that had the other’s name tattooed on them? I’m just saying. Anyway, that’s why I suggest Branding. Yes, I know this isn’t the first time that I’ve suggested Branding over Tattoos…but this one has a story attached to it. Also, having worked on a dairy for two years, I can tell you that NOTHING says “Til Death Do Us Part” like a Brand. Mmm mmm steaks. Anyway, a man in Washington state who branded his children like cattle has been acquitted of second-degree assault charges. A jury in Port Angeles deadlocked Thursday on two lesser charges of fourth-degree assault, and a judge declared a mistrial on those counts. The two teenage sons of 39-year-old Mark J. Seamands testified that they had wanted to be branded (See? To show their Love). The Sequim (pronounced ‘SKWIM’) man was branded himself (By the way, apparently Sequim is the name of the town). He testified he wanted to bring the family closer together while he was going through a divorce. Seamands' ex-wife said she was horrified when she saw the scars (honestly just jealous that he didn’t do the same for her). Seamands' 18-year-old daughter also was branded, but the dad wasn't charged with assaulting her because she was old enough to give consent. The children were branded with the letters "SK," which stands for "Seamands' kids." So you see? If you want to show your eternal bonds of Love, don’t settle for some cheesy padlock on a chain link fence thousands of miles away in some frog-eating part of the world. You can Brand each other in the privacy of your own home. On a few minutes notice if you so decided. Hell, even if you have an electric stove, the spiral pattern will symbolize the endlessly expanding circle of your Love for one another. Tattoos can be removed with hours of painful laser procedures…and will still leave behind a few scars. But Branding, ladies & gentlemen, you can go through all the procedures you want…and that ain’t going anywhere. Seriously, I don’t even want to get a tattoo anymore. I want to find a woman that’s going to convince me to Brand myself. Hell, I may open up a Branding Parlor here in Truckee. I’ve even got my first pattern ready to go in the shape of Lake Tahoe for all the locals who want to show their eternal love for where they live. I’m a f**king genius.

Power of the Female Touch – Have you noticed that I often like to talk about these scientific studies…that really aren’t scientific studies? More like facts that have already been known for generations…but they now have some scientific data? Well, here’s another one. Just a pat on the back or a reassuring touch on the arm can be a powerful tool to influence behavior, according to new research. And it could determine whether someone invests in a risky financial venture or decides to play it safe. "It's a very effective way of suddenly influencing people's behavior without them realizing they are being influenced," said Jonathan Levav, a professor of business and marketing at Columbia University in New York. "If you're a doctor, or are in sales, this is a form of communication you might want to keep in mind," he added in an interview. Levav 's findings, which are reported in the journal Psychological Science, are based on a series of experiments involving touch. In one study 67 men and women were asked to choose between a cash payoff and a risky gamble and then touched on the shoulder and back by male and female researchers. Levav and his co-author Jennifer Argo, of the University of Alberta in Canada, found was that both sexes were more likely to select gambles with no guarantees of a payoff if they had been made to feel more comfortable, especially if touched by a woman. In another experiment, 105 people were asked to allocate their money between two investments -- a bond that delivered a 4% yearly return or a risky deal with no guaranteed return. Again, people who were lightly touched on the shoulder by a woman were more likely to select the option with the most risk. Levav and Argo suggested that the connection between comfort and risk goes back to our earliest recollections of human bonding. "A simple pat on the back of the shoulder by a female in a way that connotes support may evoke feelings that are similar to the sense of security afforded by a mother's comforting touch in infancy," they wrote in the study. Apparently these researchers have never heard of Sigmund Freud. Everything’s about your mother. So this is basically a generally accepted fact, right? Doesn’t like…everybody know this? Why do you think gentlemen’s clubs are still in business? By the watered-down booze & singles? NO!!! Because some attractive woman wearing little more than enough to keep her taint from freezing will walk up to you…touch you on the shoulder (or wherever) in a sensual manner and ask you if you would like a lap dance. You may say no with that scenario…but then again, she may just try to start a conversation with you first…and you don’t want to be rude. That’s not the way of the gentleman. Anyway, she’ll be sitting in your lap already (not exactly sure how she ended up there) and then she might ask if you would like a lap dance…probably while running her fingers through your hair or something (if she’s smart enough to really be going to college and this is how she pays tuition). Then you might be more inclined to think that $20 is well worth three minutes of intense sexual frustration where you can’t even so much as touch the sultry sweaty voluptuous woman gyrating and rubbing up against all of your most sensitive parts while you listen to some f**king Lady Gaga songs that you can’t stand, thereby causing your penis to be extremely confused. “I hate Lady Gaga…so why do I want to come out and play? Sigh…this is just like the Elton John thing (which is another story all together).” Anyway, ladies, you already know this…but you have an incredible gift. You can merely touch just about anybody…and with your magical witchcraft, they’ll yield to your every command. However, if I were to touch somebody, I’d be in front of a judge by the end of the month. Use your powers for good, ladies. Use them for good. As a whiny superhero once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

On that superhero note, I think I’ll call it a day. I hope that you all enjoy the pictures and stories from my three-week road trip. With spring and summer coming into swing, there should be plenty more adventures in the near future. Involving new trails here in Tahoe, the Redwoods, Yosemite, the Pacific Coast, maybe even north to Portland or Seattle, and you never know when I may get a wild bug and go out to New Orleans or something (that may be a Halloween trip though). It should be a fantastic time in the Life of $teve. I can’t wait to share it with all of you. Have a great night everybody!!!