Wednesday, May 26, 2010

No Acting Experience Required

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Rain last night…and it has turned to snow today. Not a whole lot though. And come rain, sleet, snow, hail or snake invasion I’m planning on going to Carnival this weekend. It’s gonna be epic. I’ll also get to show Bubbles all the sights like the Golden Gate Bridge, Coit Tower, Ocean Beach, Fisherman’s Wharf, all that stuff. It should be fantastic weather, probably in the 70’s or 80’s too. Not sure how I’ll react to that. Anyway, in the meantime, there’s still work…and happy humpday to everybody out there. You’re most of the way to a three-day weekend. Keep your head up. As my mom says (actually she just told me it earlier today & I’m sure that she picked it up visiting the Red Light District in Amsterdam back when she was a teenager), “Every paradise has its price.” Think about it. To provide for yourself & your family, you have to work 40 hours a week or more. To live in California, you’ve gotta pay hella taxes. Even for Love, you have to put up with all the BS trying to find it. “The only thing that’s free is Jesus!” Yeah? Then why don’t they play football games at church on Sunday mornings? Like I said, think about it.

I was chatting with my brother yesterday…and I mentioned the “Jonah Hex” trailer (like I did yesterday here) and he had no idea what I was talking about. Really? I knew more about a comic than my brother did? Write this down. It must be documented. Well, I was explaining the story…and then it dawned on me, something I hadn’t even thought of before. “Dude, do you remember the Batman animated series from when we were kids?” “Yeah, I’ve got all of them on DVD.” “Well, I was watching the preview and he has this little flap of skin that connects his lips and I thought it was just like Two Face…but then, wasn’t there like an episode where there was a disfigured gunslinger just like that? I think it was a flashback by Rashe Algool or something.” (By the way, yes, I know that I’m a nerd) “Yeah, I don’t remember the guy’s name but I think it was like Rashe’s son or something back in the Old West. I’ll have to check it out.” Seriously three minutes after we hung up, he called back. “Well if it isn’t Jonah Hex. That’s the dude.” So yes, my nerddom has come full circle. Not only did I make the synapses between Batman & Jonah Hex…but now I have documented it on the web for all to see. And I would kinda like to see a cameo of Rashe Algool (Liam Neeson in “Batman Begins”) at the end of the Jonah Hex movie. Why? Why the hell not? As long as that movie has a horde of Confederate zombies instead of a giant robot spider & plenty of adult-friendly skin from the Fox, it should be better than “Wild Wild West” anyway. Here’s some news…

Chinese Orgy Update – You knew when you got me thinking about the Fox it was going to go this way. A Chinese college professor has been jailed for running a sex club, whose members were the first to be convicted of "group licentiousness" in 20 years, media reported on Friday. Ma Yaohai, a 53-year-old computer science professor, was jailed for three and a half years after pleading not guilty to holding orgies and said he would appeal against his sentence, the official China News Service said. "What we did, we did for our own happiness," Ma told media at a news conference in April at his home, where 14 of his 18 orgies, or "swinging games" as he called them, were held. "People chose to do it of their own free will and they knew they could stop at any time. We disturbed no one. Marriage is like water. You have to drink it. Swinging is like a cup of wine. You can drink it if you like. If you don't like it, don't drink it." My God, his argument makes sense to me. He's like a sexual Confucius. Eighteen people charged with taking part in the orgies were jailed for up to two and half years. "Ma received a more severe punishment because he did not admit the malicious and illegal nature of his conduct," the court in eastern Nanjing said. Ma started his online group in 2007. Participants included office workers, taxi drivers and sales clerks (surprisingly not college coeds given that he’s a professor). They were arrested after five were caught having a "party" in a hotel room last August (and somebody narc’d him out). Ma's case has sparked debate on whether group licentiousness should be scratched from the law books. "If no one is being harmed, people's privacy should be protected," one sociologist was quoted as saying. Others felt Ma's conduct was outrageous. "Law is based on respect for traditional customs and civilized ethics," said a columnist named Zhi Feng on "They confounded right and wrong and poisoned the social atmosphere. How dare you say they did no harm to others?" Oh I dare. In fact, I declare. Look, if people want to do group sex, more power to them. As long as they’re not putting love stains on my furniture or interrupting my sleep or okay with having a tall guy sitting in the corner observing, then do what you gotta do. Obviously I’m not a swinger myself…but I can understand the appeal. There’s a lot of women out there (or dudes) and you wanna try them all. That’s cool. Not my bag but I don’t think it should be illegal obviously. Silly Chinese. And I only mention this because when they become our overlords, swinging may be the first thing to go. Possibly even before the English language…and definitely before our system of measurements (f**k metric). So when we fight, we’ll be fighting for more than our Country, our People, we’ll be fighting for our Right to get our swerve on…and by God, I’m NOT going to let them take that Liberty away from me. That’s for my future wife to do (ba-da tish). Come on now, you know that was going to happen.

More Panda Update – More updates on the Kung Fu Panda sequel. Gary Oldman, Michelle Yeoh, Victor Garber and the Great JC with a VD, Jean Claude Van Damme have joined the cast of DreamWorks Animation's "Kung Fu Panda: The Kaboom of Doom" according to an official press release. The quartet join returning talent Jack Black, Angelina Jolie (mmm…), Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan, Seth Rogen, Lucy Liu, David Cross and James Hong in the film which is scheduled to open Memorial Day weekend next year. The sequel will follow Po, the world's biggest kung fu fan, as he continues his journey as the chosen one who fulfills an ancient prophesy while mastering the art of kung fu. Oldman voices the character of Lord Shen (a peacock), the film's formidable new villain (HA!!! Told you he’s the villain!!!) while Yeoh brings to life the mystical character of The Soothsayer (a goat). Van Damme and Garber round out the cast as Master Croc and Master Thundering Rhino, respectively. Yes, Jean Claude Van Damme is playing a crocodile…while Gary Oldman is a peacock. Why? Because Gary can pull it off and STILL be the ultimate villain…with plumage. Anyway, just thought I’d spread awareness that Jean Claude Van Damme isn’t dead & is coming to a kid’s show near you.

30 Minutes of Less - Jesse Eisenberg and his "Zombieland" director Ruben Fleischer will re-team for the action comedy "30 Minutes or Less" at MRC says The Hollywood Reporter. The story follows a junior high history teacher (Aziz Ansari) and a pizza-delivery man (Eisenberg) who are forced to rob a bank when one of them is strapped to a bomb vest. Danny McBride (“Tropic Thunder”) plays one of the men looking to score some cash and Nick Swardson (“Grandma’s Boy”) has been cast as his best friend. Michael Pena (“Shooter” & “Observe & Report”) is also onboard as a tattooed assassin. You know, the first time I read that last sentence, I could’ve swore it said Michael Cena, you know…the kid from “Superbad”, “Juno” & “Year One” who I’ve never seen in the same place as Jesse Eisenberg? Think about that for a second. Anyway. Michael Diliberti and Matthew Sullivan penned the script. Jeremy Kramer, Ben Stiller and Stuart Cornfeld are producing. Filming kicks off this Summer. This has some great potential. I mean… I believe I mentioned after watching “Zombieland” that it was quite possibly the greatest movie ever made…and now you through in some bank robbing? Anyway, we’ll see how it goes.

Tennis vs. Porn – Now, I’ve been saying for years that the only way to enjoy women’s tennis is at a purely primal level. Not the spirit of competition and amazing skills of slamming a little yellow ball around with a racquet, but rather just enjoying the sweaty athletic women grunt with every forehand smash in short skirts. It’s just how it is…and like my opinions of soccer, you’re probably not going to change them. It’s just too logical. Well, it’s finally happened. The best athletes in the sport are taking some of my suggestions, whether they’re aware of it or not. Before sticking to the strict all-white dress code at Wimbledon next month, Venus Williams (proudly straight outta Compton) is indulging in some risqué French cancan in Paris. The American's black lace corset resembling an offcast from the nearby Moulin Rouge cabaret has been the talk of the French Open, and the accompanying tight skin-colored knickers (what did you just call me?) have raised just as many dumbstruck glares. The second seed's 6-2 6-4 second-round win over Spain's Arantxa Parra Santonja was very much a secondary issue for many on Wednesday. "The design has nothing to do with the rear. It just so happens that I have a very well developed one," she chuckled during her post-match press conference. Agreed, baby’s got back. Don’t believe me? Ask a black dude. The opening Wednesday at Roland Garros is traditionally when Parisian schoolchildren are given priority for tickets, and they and their teachers almost got even more than they bargained for as the unconvincing red straps to Venus's dress threatened to reveal yet more of the American (BAM!!!). The world number two wore the outfit for the first time at the Sony Ericsson Open in Miami earlier this year and she uses her daring court appearances to promote her own line of fashions. "It's really about the illusion. Like you can wear lace, but what's the point of wearing lace when there's just black under," she added. "The illusion of just having bare skin is definitely for me a lot more beautiful. So it's really not about anything else other than just that skin showing." Venus, who seems to prefer to talk fashion than tennis, believes her outfit is the symbol of her personality. "I try to represent what I think my personality is on the court. That's the first part of it. The second part is sometimes you just dream it up. Sometimes you can see a dress and say, 'Hey, I really like those slits, so let me put that in my tennis dress'." I really like your slits too. She did say slits, right? That’s what the straps were holding back? Or the lace was covering or whatever? Okay, I’m just confused…but that’s what happens when I think about female tennis players in lace. Mmm… especially Ana Ivanovic… Forget going for a number one ranking, she’s a 10 already. I wonder when she’s going to show off her clothing line (Ivana? As in, Ivana Duyu?). Anyway, just a thought… a lacy gently wafting dream of a thought…

Apocalypse Update? – My belief that the world will come to an end, not by famine, pestilence, nuclear war or anything like that…but by being devoured by serpents has been well documented. However now, there’s another twist to the story. We’ve all read and/or heard about the Greek tragedy that is…well, Greece the past few months. Their economic system is crashing down and they’ve received a ginormous bailout through the European Union to try to counteract the whole EU system collapsing. Well, sh*t just went from bad to biblical. Greek officials say that a horde of frogs has forced the closure of a key northern highway for two hours. Thessaloniki traffic police chief Giorgos Thanoglou says "millions" of the amphibians covered the tarmac Wednesday near the town of Langadas, some 12 miles east of Thessaloniki. "There was a carpet of frogs," he said. Authorities closed the highway after three car drivers skidded off the road trying to dodge the frogs. No human injuries were reported…but I’m sure there was plenty of French delicacy road kill left in the wake of a few impatient motorists. Thanoglou said the amphibians probably left a nearby lake to look for food…but he didn’t elaborate on what kind…so I will. Well, rather I’ll give you a scenario that didn’t come to be…but don’t be surprised if you see it tried again. One of man’s advantages over the animal kingdom is their ability to move quickly through technology. Sure, birds have their flight, cheetahs have their sprinting speed, sharks can swim like no other…but we’re the only ones that can do all of the above thanks to our technology. So the animals have a simple plan, take out our technology, take out humans. A basic plan…but one that has worked many times before. But first they have to test it before a large-scale operation…and where to start? How about a place so primitive that the epicenter of their sprawling metropolis is a broken-down marble structure without a roof (Acropolis) and you really can’t tell where the ancient ruins end and the new city begins thanks to Starbucks being everywhere? A place that’s on the border of reverting back to Bartering as their only means of currency & exchange? Yes, I’m talking about Greece, the birthplace of modern civilization…and apparently they were an early bloomer & haven’t grown up much since then. The plan, frogs stifle the highway system, bringing traffic to a standstill & disabling man’s ability to go zero to 60 MPH (or 100 KPH, damn metric system) in about seven seconds (I don’t know…three parsecs, wait that’s a unit of length, not time, I don’t care what Han Solo says). Anyway, man is stopped…and now trapped in his own technology…so that the silent slithery snakes can sneak into their vehicles and take them out. However, man doesn’t fall for it…and a few brave soldiers gun it through the frog barricade, slipping on their slimy corpses and send the snakes back to devise another plan. The human race is safe…for now. We needn’t fear frogs. I mean…they don’t even have teeth. What’re they gonna do? Lick us to death? (Drifts off into a daydream of being licked to death by green women ala Star Trek…) What? Oh hey! So yeah, way to go Greeks!!! Show those slimy suckers who’s boss.

Fox Update – Okay, it’s not really a Fox Update per se…but after an extensive 48-hour search, Michael Bay has found his new leading lady for the third Transformers movie (and yes, it only takes 48 hours to find a leading lady when you’re the director of “Pearl Harbor” & “The Island”). The offer is officially out to newcomer Rosie Huntington-Whiteley to play the female lead in the upcoming third "Transformers" reports Deadline. The Victoria's Secret model (yup) read for the role of Shia LaBeouf's love interest last Friday and was the front runner on a short-list of three “actresses” which included Sarah Wright (“The House Bunny”) and Brooklyn Decker (cover of most recent SI swimsuit issue & married to tennis player Andy Roddick). Now it appears the other two actresses have been informed Huntington-Whiteley has the part with only the unlikely failure of last-minute negotiations to potentially change that standing. Bay himself has worked over/on several Victoria’s Secret commercials which is probably where he first spotted her. Despite no relative acting experience, filming on her role kicks off in a fortnight…so she has two weeks to learn the intricacies of being an actress in a Michael Bay movie. “Be beautiful, spray-tan daily, plenty of sweat, heathing breasts, let me see that come-hither stare, perfect…aaaaand ACTION!” Okay, maybe I’m being a little too simplistic with Michael. Let’s face it, I enjoy a lot of his movies…and he has worked with actresses like Tea Leoni, Liv Tyler, Kate Beckinsale, Gabrielle Union, Scarlett Johannsen and…whoever that hot chick on “The Rock” was. Mmm… bubble wrap… What? Did I drift off again? That’s becoming a problem more and more. Anyway, just in case you were wondering who (or which one) Rosie Huntington-Whiteley was (probably the white one based on the most Caucasian name ever), I’m glad to help. Here are some reference materials…

Anyway, that should do it for today. Two days until my weekend begins…and I can’t wait. I’m tired of being in the cold. I want to dip my toes in the ocean, dance the cha cha, cross a few bridges, ride a cable car, escalate Coit Tower, eat some seafood, bark at a seal, all the things that one should do while in San Francisco, which is German for “The Whale’s Phallus.” Or was that San Diego? I forget. Have a great day everybody!!!

No comments:

Where Should I Go Next?