Ip Freely Man

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

It’s been a busy few days… but never too busy for my loyal readers… either of you… and yeah, don’t worry about the past two years were it was 2-3 times a month, that was different. First off, we won softball last night… even though I technically didn’t play, but showed great moral support. It was a late game so we had about 15 players, which meant 13 guys for 8 spots. I was about to get into the lineup but they called the game because we were winning & everybody wanted to go home. Oh well… next week maybe.

 

A few days ago, I watched a movie called “Ip Man” starring Donnie Yen as the titular character who is most famous for being a master of the Wing Chun discipline of martial arts… and the teacher of Bruce Lee… but this story takes place back in China in the 1940’s. It starts out that Ip Man is a noble statesman and well-respected master in the city of Foshan, where there seems to be a martial arts school on every corner… but he’s the best… and there are fights to prove it. However, the plot takes a turn when the Japanese invade & take over… and of course, they round up some of the masters to fight their own soldiers to show their dominance… and they kind of do (or at least bust a few caps if there’s a moral victory). Well, the mouthy locals mention that Ip Man is the best… and so now he’s forced to come out & face the main Japanese general… and a bunch of other guys… and… Okay, it’s supposed to be semi-biographical… and they make very liberal use of the term semi… but yeah, it’s a martial arts movie & I enjoyed it. Don’t really care if it’s historically correct. If you’re looking for that in a martial arts movie, then I don’t know what to tell you. Let somebody else tell you about Santa Claus & the Easter Bunny too. I enjoyed it… and if you like martial arts movies, check it out. It’s on Netflix. Now here’s some news…

  

 

Old School Calculator - It will take someone with pretty deep pockets to purchase and transport what is being described by auction house Christie's as one of four surviving 17th-century French "pocket" calculating machines, to be sold in London in October. With an estimated price of between 70,000 pounds and 100,000 pounds (35-50 tons?), and with dimensions of 14.5 cm by 32.5 cm (5.7 by 12.8 inches), the "pocket" description is pretty much a euphemism… more of a phablet. But the compact size of the paper-and-wood box with a fascinating array of 24 dials embedded in the lid was one of its main selling points, James Hyslop, head of Christie's science department, said. It was the invention of Rouen inventor and watchmaker Rene Grillet, who marketed his smaller and lighter device as a competitor to the sturdy but heavier brass machine invented by Blaise Pascal in 1642. "I'd love to be able to tell you whose this was, but basically those stories never survive and if they did we'd be crowing about it from the rooftops," Hyslop told Reuters in a telephone interview. "But we do know the creator went around to the equivalent of world's fairs, in Paris and Amsterdam, advertising the new calculating device. He was a canny businessman and he was very canny about how these things worked." The calculator used a logarithm called "Napier's bones", a type of abacus named for the Scottish mathematician John Napier, and was capable of performing addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. But 17th-century proto computers and calculating machines were not true computers, Hyslop said. The user could not enter a number, choose an operation and get a result. "There's still a manual step needed, and with this one, you have to physically carry the 10s yourself," he said. The calculating machine is being given pride of place in Christie's bi-annual "Travel, Science and Natural History" auction on October 10^th in case you’re interested. It will also feature art, books and other scientific artifacts of the 16th through 19th centuries, including, Hyslop said, a first edition of "Napier's Bones". So… wait… you do your own math on the calculator? Okay, it’s a fancy 17^th century French abacus… that’s worth six digits. That’s kinda cool, right? You’re welcome.

 

LA KISS – Speaking of old people with money, the guys dressed in black and silver are bringing football back to the Los Angeles area!!! The Raiders? Not quite. Legendary rock & roll band KISS has bought a stake in an L.A. arena football team. That’s right… KISS, the heavy metal band known for performing in black, white and silver that has sold more than 100 million albums worldwide during a 40-year career. A few weeks back, the Arena Football League announced it was awarding an expansion team to a group of individuals that includes KISS band members Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley. The team, called the LA KISS, will begin playing in March at the Honda Center in Anaheim. "As a fast-paced, high-action band, this partnership with the AFL was an obvious fit for us," Simmons said in a statement. "Attending an LA KISS game in 2014 will be similar to a live KISS show, with thrilling, heart-pounding action." Season tickets, which went on sale Thursday starting at $99 and will also include a free KISS concert (free with purchase?). While the team will use the band's logo, it is not known whether the team's uniforms will be silver and black. Next season will mark the 27th season for the Arena Football League, which begins its games in March and culminates with the Arena Bowl in August. The league and the music world have joined forces before. The Philadelphia Soul, who played in the championship game earlier this month, were partly owned by Jon Bon Jovi until 2010. So yeah… football coming back to LA… at least a little bit. I am also pretty curious how the uniforms will look too. I can imagine them all coming out looking like Gene Simmons with the fire breathing & the spike on the shoulders. “Now taking the field… THE KISS ARMY!!! RAAARRRRRR!!!” Fireball!!! Should be exciting…

  

Bird Poop Facials – That’s right ladies… line up for bird poop bukkake for beauty? That's what goes into facials at a luxury spa where the traditional Japanese treatment using imported Asian nightingale excrement mixed with rice bran. How else do you think they get it? Also… this facial goes for $180 a pop. About 100 women and men go into the Shizuka New York skin care salon, just off Manhattan's Fifth Avenue, each month to get the treatment, which is promoted as a way to keep the face soft and smooth using an enzyme in the poop to gently exfoliate the skin. Spa owner Shizuka Bernstein, a Tokyo native married to an American, has been offering what she calls the Geisha Facial (HA!!! And you thought my bukkake joke was in poor taste!!!) for about five years. "I try to bring Japanese beauty secrets to the United States," said Bernstein, who learned the treatment from her mother. The Geisha Facial poop treatment, while relatively rare in the United States, is no secret in Japan, where it was first used in the 1600s by actors and geishas. "That's why Japanese grandmothers have beautiful complexions," said Duke Klauck, owner of the Ten Thousand Waves health spa in Santa Fe, N.M., which offers a Nightingale Facial for $129. On a recent afternoon in Manhattan, Mari Miyoshi arrived at the sixth-floor Shizuka New York spa to try the treatment for the first time. "I'm a stressed-out New Yorker," the 35-year-old occupational therapist announced as she reclined on a table, relaxing amid aromas of camellia, lavender and rose. The treatment begins with steam to open the pores and soften the skin. Cream is applied. And then comes what Bernstein calls "the nightingale part." She pours the cream-colored poop, dried and finely ground, into a bowl, mixing it with the rice bran using a small spatula. She applies the potion to Miyoshi's face with a brush, rubbing it in with her hands. I know what you’re thinking… does it smell? "Yes, but like toasted rice," Miyoshi said. After about five minutes, it comes off with a foaming cleanser and Miyoshi's face is draped in a warm, wet towel bathed in lavender and geranium essences. Finally, the grand finale — a green-tea collagen mask. "Sooooo nice," Bernstein said softly, looking at Miyoshi's radiant face. Dr. Michele Green, a Manhattan cosmetic dermatologist, said that while the nightingale facial "definitely has some rejuvenating effect, I don't think it's any different than, say, an apricot scrub or a mask that you could buy in a local pharmacy." A common misconception is that any old bird poop, even from pigeons, is used. Bernstein said only droppings from birds of the nightingale species are used because they live on seeds, producing the natural enzyme that is the active ingredient. "We don't do Central Park facials," she said, "because those birds eat garbage." Good point… so what I’m hearing… is that human feces may be considered some of the finest for these facials… since some of us eat pretty good. Hmm… maybe I can corner the market on “Vegan Fudge Facials” in my area… and charge only $150 per load. That sounds like a plan to me.

 

Well, think I’ll just do a quick one today. Let you think about the bird poo facials for a minute… Have a great day everybody!!!

The World's End Is Nigh

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Saturday, Dizzy & I went to help her aunts set up a going away party for their son Jeff as he’s heading out to join the Air Force Special Ops team next week after their wedding. They rented out part of Kennedy Grove and the four of us set up a nice picnic area, barbecue, beverages, tables, etc for about 50-60 people since there were a hundred or so invited… and about 20 showed up… but that just meant that there were plenty of leftovers. The weather was perfect & we had a wonderful time hanging with friends & family in a wonderful setting. Later that night, we met up briefly with Jeff & some of his friends at Melodee’s for some quick karaoke… but they wanted to head out to other bars too, so we let the kids in their early twenties have time with their buddy. Don’t worry, we put the fear in them about having a designated driver… who drove a Lexus… so we knew that Jeff was getting home safe… because that car was getting home safe.

 

Sunday, we basically relaxed & started up our home brewing empire by researching and ordering the kits & books to get started. By the end of next weekend, we should be well on our way to crafting our first beers. Obviously we’re starting out with some of the simpler, pre-packaged recipes until we get our feet wet & get the process in play… but we’re REALLY excited about it. We kind of surprised each other the other day with “I bought a book!” “Me too! Which one did you get?” “This one!” “Me too! I’ll cancel the order for that one… but I got these other two, so don’t get those.” Yeah, I figure that by the time we finish our first batches (Irish Red Ale & Pumpkin Ale) that we’ll at least have read through the beginner book… and hopefully know that much more about home brewing… and then after a few batches, we can get all kinds of experi-mental up in this piece. Stay tuned!

 

Speaking of beer, Thursday we watched “The World’s End” starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost & Martin Freeman… and directed by Edgar Wright (“Shaun of the Dead” & “Hot Fuzz”). This is the finale of The Cornetto Trilogy… and the story is about five high school friends who have gone their separate ways… but one of them named Gary King (Pegg) wants to reunite them on a mission to finish a 12-pub crawl in their hometown of Newtown Haven… culminating at the final stop, The World’s End. After a few stops, the old demons start to come out & the former friends remember why they kinda separated… until one of them gets into a scrum in the bathroom… and tears a kid apart to find out that he’s actually a robot. Then the previously-hilarious movie turns into an even more hilarious “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” homage with surprisingly great fight scenes paired with plenty of laughs & story direction. While we were watching it… we were pretty convinced that this may be one of the greatest action-comedies ever created. Think “Zombieland” with more drinking & English accents… if you like that idea… then you’ll LOVE this movie. I highly recommend it!!! Go watch it!!!

 

Also this weekend, we watched “The Cove” which is a documentary about conservationist Ric O’Barry & the Japanese city of Taijii… where there’s a major industry involving dolphins… but it’s not Sea World Japan. Back in the 60’s, Ric helped to introduce the world to dolphins when he was the chief animal trainer for the TV series “Flipper” and that led to an amazing BOOM in dolphinariums & sea parks… but obviously with serious side effects to the dolphins themselves and the environmental impact. Basically, since then he’s been on a mission to free as many dolphins as possible… and at the pinnacle of his mission is to expose the secretive area of Taijii known as “The Cove” where it’s suspected that thousands of dolphins are being slaughtered every year & sold for meat. So he & a group of fellow environmentalists set out to get evidence of this heavily guarded secret & bring it to the forefront of the IWC (Int’l Whaling Council) meetings to attempt to bring about change. It’s actually a very intriguing documentary (which is why I think it won an Academy Award a few years back) but another main thing that I pulled from it… is that apparently all of our seafood like sushi grade tuna… may have about 5000 times the legal amount of mercury at any given time… and given how mercury effects brain cells… I may not be eating high-level fish or seafood for quite some time now. I kinda like my brain. Regardless, I recommend that you see this documentary… but I warn you… it’s not going to be pretty… you’re going to see dolphins brutally murdered & it’s a Sarah McLachlan song away from being some of the saddest sh*t you’ll ever see… but it’s something that everybody probably should see if just to get word out & make some changes before it’s too late.

 

Speaking of Sarah McLachlan… we also watched some episodes of “Due South” while relaxing… and she sang a song on an episode that I thought a few lyrics that I caught were particularly creepy… and of course Dizzy loves the show & had the soundtrack… so she told me the story of how the lyrics of this song “Possession” were allegedly taken from some letters from stalkers… sorry, that’s harsh… let’s say, extremely devout fan letters… and turned into this love song. Here are the lyrics… and you can listen to it on YouTube or something:

 

 

 

Verse:   Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
The night is my companion, and solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?

 

Chorus: And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

Verse:   Through this world I've stumbled so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive

            (Chorus)

 

Verse:   Into this night I wander it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here and I won't be denied

 

One last chorus for full creepiness… nice, right? Well, if the desired effect is a moistness in the loins then it may have the desired effect but I think it’s a different kind that was expected. Then again… there are a lot of love songs out there that when you really break down the lyrics… can be easily misconstrued as the ravings of a lovesick lunatic.

 

Anyway, that should do it for today. Have a great day everybody!!!

The Winter of Our Diss Contest

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Well… once again, I’ve recently been inspired. Still doing the comic book thing (slowly but surely since… well, I can’t draw), writing up a storm, character development, twists, storyboarding, all that fun stuff (at least fun to me). However, the brew-making thing has really been triggered, so I’m getting started on that too to see how it goes. Starting small scale… but I’ve already got a plan in place for… let’s just say slightly larger plans. However, I do know that there’s a LOT of steps between now & the goal… but I’m not going to get there just thinking about it.

 

Another thing… apparently I’ve got to get to all of this quick because… well, just read these stories of TERROR!!!

 

Utah Apocalypse Update - Firefighters arrived at a Utah home to put out a blaze started by a kitchen range and discovered more than flames — 28 snakes, six of them deadly. The man didn't have a permit for the six venomous snakes (five rattlers and a gaboon viper) and he may face misdemeanor charges for keeping them without a permit. The viper, native to Africa, is considered one of the most dangerous in the world with potent venom. The snakes were inside cages in a separate room and were removed as firefighters quickly put out the blaze on Friday in Clearfield, about 30 miles north of Salt Lake City (and about two miles from my junior high school). "I don't think firefighters were ever in danger from the snakes, except for the creep factor," said North Davis Fire Chief Mark Becraft. The poisonous snakes were confiscated by the Utah Division of Wildlife, where Capt. Tony Wood was trying to determine their fate… and whether to cite the owner. "I'm just trying to wrap my head around the situation," he said Monday. Fire and smoke damage left the man's duplex uninhabitable, Becraft said, but all the snakes survived. The owner took his 22 other legal snakes for safekeeping to his father's house, Davis County Animal Control Director Clint Thacker said. The seized rattlers will probably be released into the wild, and the viper could be sent to someone authorized to have it, said Jim Dix of Reptile Rescue of Tooele County. Repeat: The poisonous snakes will be released back into the wild… because it’s not safe for them to be in the hands of an unlicensed snake owner… who already has a few dozen snakes. The owner has been described variously by officials as a snake professional or breeder. Dix said the snakes were well fed, in good condition and that there was no threat to anyone in the neighborhood… so obviously they can only put them back into the wild. "We are seeing a big increase in illegal animals in Utah. It just goes on and on." That’s just racist! Oh wait, he’s still talking about snakes… I think. Dix said he was working with Utah officials to designate "amnesty" days for unlicensed owners who are willing to turn over exotic animals (for sell to licensed owners that they pocket I’m sure). Earlier this year, Cottonwood Heights police cited a young man for failure to have an exotic pet permit and initially ordered him to get rid of all but one of his 29 boa constrictors he kept in special room in his basement with top-of-the-line cages. The Cottonwood Heights City Council later gave him a reprieve, allowing Thomas Cobb to keep his snakes while officials revisit the city code. Cobb still has the snakes he says are worth $12,000 apiece, and is waiting a resolution from city officials, Cottonwood Heights Police Sgt. Mark Askerlund said. That’s about $350,000 if that’s really the value (though I doubt it). F**k, maybe breeding the Apocalypse is the business to be in… or perhaps these simple men are being FORCED to breed the New Army! Those unsuspecting fools (aka cops) are walking right into a trap by releasing the most deadly of them back into the wild… my God, it’s a brilliant plan! These f**king snakes are getting smarter every day! And the news is backing it all up…

 

Apocalypse Ninjas - The deaths of two young boys who police believe were killed by an African rock python while they slept at a friend’s apartment has rattled the northern New Brunswick city of Campbellton where the children were remembered Tuesday as fun-loving free spirits. Noah and Connor Barthe, aged four and six, were found dead Monday morning after the 45-kilogram snake escaped its enclosure in the apartment, slithered through a ventilation system above and fell through a ceiling into the living room where they were sleeping, police said. Their uncle said the boys were spending the day with family friend Jean-Claude Savoie, who took them shopping and to a farm (those mysterious ones from the declaration form?) where they played with lamas, goats, horses, dogs and cats before they returned to his apartment for a sleepover. Paul (Little Ray) Goulet, founder and co-owner of Little Ray’s Reptile Zoo in Ottawa, said snakes don’t recognize humans as a source of food, but if the children smelled like animals, it could explain an attack. “If a snake sees an animal moving, giving off heat and smells like a goat, what is it? It’s a goat. This is the reasonable explanation of how this has happened is that they had been playing with farm animals, they did smell like their prey items and the snake sadly enough mistook them as a food item when they weren’t.” Relatives and friends of the boys and their family said they could not fathom what happened. “It’s like a bad dream,” said Shawna MacEachern, who has been a friend of the boys’ mother, Mandy Trecartin, since childhood. “She loved her babies. They meant everything to her. She was an awesome mother. They were both so sweet. They were fun-loving typical little boys.” The Royal Canadian Mounted Police (as seen in “Due South”) said the boys were found dead Monday at around 6:30 a.m. in an apartment located above Reptile Ocean, an exotic pet store. The Mounties initially said that the 4.3-metre long snake escaped from the store at some point during the night, but on Tuesday Sgt. Alain Tremblay said it escaped its floor-to-ceiling glass tank inside the apartment through a vent, allowing it to escape through a ventilation pipe… but the snake’s weight (about a hundred pounds) caused the pipe to collapse and fall into the living room where the boys slept on a mattress, Tremblay said. The RCMP said Monday they believe the snake strangled the boys, but Tremblay said Tuesday investigators are waiting for the results of an autopsy on the children as well as a necropsy on the snake before commenting further on the cause of death. Asked why anyone in the apartment didn’t appear to have heard anything, Tremblay said that was still under investigation. “It’s something the investigators are going to talk to people about and we are not there yet,” he said. The snake was later captured by Savoie, who also owns Reptile Ocean. It was later put down by a veterinarian and sent for a necropsy in Fredericton to help determine what may have prompted it to attack the boys, Tremblay said, adding that the RCMP have enlisted the help of a reptile expert from the Magnetic Hill Zoo in Moncton, N.B., for their investigation. This story is REALLY fish... but a truly tragic story… and not just for the death of two small boys… but that these monsters are taking them out two at a time… and stealthy… like giant scaly ninja dragons! I tell ya, they’re getting smarter… and bigger… and DEADLIER!!! Soon they won’t even need ventilation ducts… they’ll make their own…

 

Apocalypse Sinkhole - A sinkhole has caused a section of a Florida resort villa near Disney World to partially collapse, while another section of the villa is sinking, authorities say. About 30% of the three-storey structure collapsed before dawn last Monday, Lake County Fire Rescue Battalion Chief Tony Cuellar said. The villa at the Summer Bay Resort had been evacuated, and no injuries were reported. The sinkhole was about 12 to 15 metres in diameter, Cuellar said. The villa houses 24 units, and about 20 people were staying in it, Cuellar said. Authorities were called to the scene, about 16 kilometres west of Disney World, late on Sunday and found that the building was making popping sounds and windows were breaking. In an interview aired on ABC's Good Morning America, Maggie Ghamry, a guest at the resort, said that when she first heard the noises, she thought it might be kids running down the hall. "Next thing I know, people are yelling, 'Get out of the building, get out of the building'," she said. A large crack was visible at the building's base. Luis Perez, who was staying at a villa near the sinking one, said he was in his room when the lights went off around 11.30pm on Sunday. He said he was on his way to the front desk to report the outage when he saw firefighters and police outside. "You could see the building leaning, and you could see a big crack at the base of the building," he said. Florida has a long problem with sinkholes, which cause millions of dollars in damage annually. On March 1, a sinkhole underneath a house swallowed a man who was in his bed. His body was never recovered. Where does a sinkhole come from? Scientists may tell you one thing… but I think we all know that it’s yet another weapon on the utility belt of the Serpent Army… burrowing and digging out the foundations of buildings with their great strength & plentiful numbers in Florida. I’m sure amongst the pops & cracking noises… there was plenty of hissing as well. Sure, you say “Yeah… probably a ruptured gas line” and you may be correct… but will that console you when you’re in the belly of a python? I think not…

 

Anyway, that should do it for today. Just us next time when we… well, it’s a surprise… to us all. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

The Forgotten Dream Team

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Saturday night, Dizzy & I headed out to Sacramento for a birthday party at Hamburger Patty’s… and we had a pretty damn good time shutting that place down. I was the DD & was quite responsible… but had a great time seeing Dizzy’s friends again (most of which I’ve met a few times now) and showing the Birthday Girl that we were willing to drive COMPLETELY out of the way to make sure she had a good time. I brought the house down with “Chocolate Salty Balls” and everybody else got good & tipsy. We finally got home around 4 AM for some sleeping. Good times! Happy birthday, Birthday Girl!

 

Sunday was pretty short… but I downloaded & played the PS3 video game “Ducktales: Remastered” which is basically a modern day version of the 1989 Nintendo game (which I owned & loved). It’s hard to believe that this game has been around basically 25 years already… but yeah, based on the popular Disney TV series and starring the likes of Scrooge McDuck, Huey, Dewey, Louie, Webbie, Mrs. Beakley, Launchpad McQuack, Gyro, Flintheart Glomgold, the Beagle Boys, Magica DeSpell, Gizmoduck & all the usual characters… and a classis sideview adventure game where you’re trying to find five treasures across the globe. Also… you get to take a dive in the Money Bin… and that’s almost worth the $10 anyway. I highly recommend it for an easy game that anybody can play & enjoy… and of course for the catchy theme song.

 

Also, I realized that I didn’t mention softball last week. Yup, it’s back in action. I missed the first game due to the Oregon trip… but now the games are Tuesday evenings for the next few months. Last week’s game, I played sparingly as we had a lot of players, but I was walked twice & ran in for scores both times. No real chances to show off the hitting power (which may or may not exist) and no real action playing in right field for two innings, but the important thing is that we won… actually it was slaughter ruled towards the end as I think we were up 18-5 or something like that.

 
 

This week’s game… we just couldn't get any solid hits... so we ended up losing 6-2 in a defensive struggle. They actually scored all of their runs in one inning, so other than that, it would've just been a boring game pretty much. Oh well, it was to the team that's always in the championships with us... so I'm guessing we're just luring them into a false sense of security. It was bound to happen eventually... even the greats lose from time to time.

 

Sunday night, I watched a movie that I had anticipated for a while called “Aftershock” from director Eli Roth (“Hostel”). It’s essentially a disaster/horror movie set in Valparaiso, Chile during the big 9.2 magnitude earthquake that hit them in 2011. It follows an international group of young partygoers experiencing the Chilean nightlife (which goes until the break of dawn EVERYDAY… Tuesday, Wednesday, whatever) and fun fact, the earthquake happened at like 3 AM on a Thursday… while thousands were in dance clubs. The first half of the movie is the set up of the characters & atmosphere, basically there’s a rich Chilean guy (who looks like Zach Galafinakis but isn’t) paying for everything, nobody else in the group speaks Spanish, and then when the earthquake hits… it’s basically a struggle for survival. Now, there are a LOT of realistic liberties taken with this movie. After the earthquake, yes, there was some panic… and 300+ people were killed… and many more injured… but it wasn’t a complete breakdown of society & social norms for the most part. This movie took it the extra step with not only including massive panic, paranoia, everything falling apart, looting riots, the language barrier, and all of that… but also throws in an entire prison escaping so everybody is getting killed & raped… and of course with any giant earthquake, there are the threats of aftershocks & tsunamis (Valparaiso is right on the shore). Now, I’m intrigued by the concept of society basically breaking down in the light of a disaster & those being protective of theirs… so it really intrigued me. I was worried that this movie was going to turn into “torture porn” like most horror flicks are nowadays… and there are some points where that’s the case, but more implied than previous movies in the genre… though yeah, there’s still a guy set on fire, plenty of impalements, crushings, rape, etc… but not a full fledged gore-fest. All in all, it’s a decent flick… and beautifully & intriguingly shot at times… but towards the end just gets a little out of hand. (Also, I feel like I knew how the movie was going to end based on the usual “horror flick rules” & how some things were passive mentioned in foreshadowing) I’d still say check it out if you’re into horror flicks… but it’s gonna be gory for most.

 

Monday night, I watched a movie that I noticed on a preview for Aftershock called “Solomon Kane” starring James Purefoy, Max Van Sydow & the late great Pete Postalthwaite. From the director of “Silent Hill: Revelation” Michael J. Bassett comes this story about a pirate captain named Solomon Kane (Purefoy) back in the year 1600 who after a life full of piracy, killing, stealing, murdering, probably raping & all that other fun piratey stuff (Disney?) finds out that the Devil has come to collect his soul. Well, he escapes the Reaper by jumping out of a window and landing into the ocean (about 1000 feet below). When he comes to, he decides to live a pious life at a monastery… but of course, he’s kicked out of the church to start his own life again instead of hiding… and along the way he meets a peaceful family whom he befriends… and they get killed and/or kidnapped by an evil army led by a mysterious giant warlord & a powerful wizard named Malokai. Well, now he’s on a mission to save the daughter of the family (and maybe all of Europe?) fueled by sweet, sweet vengeance… but it won’t be easy. The movie is pretty much what you expect. Lots of special effects & magic this & that… but overall, a pretty good flick. If you’re looking for a quick medieval tale of redemption & full of decapitations, then it’s on Netflix so check it out.

 

Last week though, I saw a wonderful documentary called “The Other Dream Team” that I thought it was rather important that I shared with you because… it’s one of my favorite stories in all of sports. Okay, so… how many of you remember the 1992 USA Dream Team? Everybody, right? Without a doubt the greatest basketball team ever assembled… and I dare say, best team possible throughout the history of basketball at any given point in time. Some may say something like a 1968 Dream Team would’ve had the likes of Oscar Robertson, Jerry West, Wilt Chamberlain, Lewis Alcindor, Elgin Baylor, Bill Russell, etc… but many of them were either at the tail ends of their careers or in college. Anyway, so we all know them. How about who got the Silver Medal in 1992? Some of you may be saying Team Croatia & would be correct, led by Drazen Petrovic, Dino Radja, Toni Kukoc & others. Who got the Bronze Medal that year? This is the story of that team…

 

First off, I just want to get a little personal. When I was a young’un, I recorded the Gold Medal game of USA vs. Croatia and watched it a few times… okay, more than a few. I remember a lot of plays, NBC showing the picture of my favorite basketball player David Robinson & his newborn son, and watching a fantastic first half… and then the USA basically dominating the 2^nd half. I also remember highlights from the earlier bronze medal consolation game being a real nail-biter & having some pretty major historical significance… but more on that later. However, during the medal ceremony, I remember watching the team that won the bronze medal coming out in these red, green & yellow tie dye t-shirts… and basically getting an applause probably louder than the gold medal winners & wondering “What’s up with those shirts? And why are they so much cooler than those ridiculous things that Team USA is wearing?” But being in an age when history classes never get past WWII (still the case?) and before the internet, so I couldn’t just Google that sh*t & find out… I never really knew the whole story. This documentary tells it… quite well, definitely better than my paraphrasing that you’re about to read.

 

In 1988, the USA lost in the Olympics for only the 2^nd time ever to the Soviet Union team. Four of the five starters from that Soviet Union team came from a little country of 3 million people called Lithuania… but they were under Soviet rule… and had been for over 40 years at that time. These players & that whole nation had struggled to keep their identity yet be under the harsh regulations & environments caused by the communist government. They weren’t paid well, had to stand in lines for bread, civil liberties were taken away, sometimes political uprisings were squashed violently, family members disappear, corruption, all that stuff. All the while, the NBA is finding out about some of these amazing players that are coming out from “behind the wall” like Arvydas Sabonis, who’s accurately described as “a seven-foot-three Larry Bird, eh can do everything” and guard Saranus Marcuilonis. However, the USSR won’t let them leave.

 

So the wall comes down in Berlin in 1989… and even then Lithuania has to fight for its independence… they declare it… and then Soviet tanks show up. The documentary goes into great detail about this (and I highly recommend that you watch it) but long story short, they are declared a sovereign nation in 1991, just in time to qualify for the Olympics in Barcelona by winning the European championship. One little problem though… the recently independent nation is completely broke. They can’t afford to go.

 

 

In 1989, Sarunas Marcuilonis was drafted by the Golden State Warriors & was the first Russian player to enter the NBA (and only after a heated trial with the Soviet gov't where basically the two possible outcomes were be granted his freedom to play in the NBA... or go directly to jail for treason & abandonment). His aggressive style of play made him a fan favorite almost immediately. Shortly after Lithuania became independent, he was on a road trip in Detroit & went to a Grateful Dead concert… and was invited backstage to meet the band. Well, being from San Francisco, they were huge fans… and fans of liberty… so they told Saranus that THEY would sponsor the Lithuanian basketball team for the Olympics (being bazillionaires I assume). So to repeat… the Lithuanian basketball team… was going to be sponsored by The Grateful Dead… so they could be in the Olympics. Yup.

 

During the Olympics, they lose to the USA in the semfinal… but this little nation of 3 million people is to play in the Bronze Medal consolation game… against the Unified Soviet Team that they had recently declared their independence from… and had actually lost to earlier in the Olympics during the seeding rounds. This game wasn’t only for a bronze medal… but to show that they weren’t just a Soviet state that got away… they were Lithuania!!! I think you know how this is going to end… but after a hard-fought close game… they won… and displayed those amazing tie dye t-shirts courtesy of the Grateful Dead during the medal ceremony. F**king fantastic story, right? One quote from the movie that really stuck with me was "The medal in '88 was Gold... but the bronze medal was our Soul." That's deep. Anyway, I really enjoyed it…

 

On that note, I will bid you adieu… and I’m gonna see about getting me a Team Lithuania Skullman T-shirt… and you just wait… maybe one day you’ll hear about me leading the newly independent Team Quebec to a hockey medal. VIVA $TEVE LOVE!!! VIVA QUEBEC!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Mysteries of the Mind

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Well, today is just going to be a kind of hodge-podge of random things from the past week that I wanted to share but didn’t really fit right in the Oregon posts. There will be dreams… which have become a rarity on this blog of late… but mostly for a few reasons such as:

 

A)      They are unmemorable

B)      I don’t think you’d care in the least

C)      Dizzy can tell you, if it’s just a bunch of random images that I remember… then it’s probably not worth mentioning

D)     A wise man once said that “other people’s dreams are like photographs… if you’re not in them & nobody’s f**king, then who cares?”

 

So on that note… the mind is a funny thing as I’m sure you know. As I get older, I like to think that my mind is still pretty quick & I do certain exercises to keep it limber because… the last thing that I want to be at the age of 32 is a forgetful old man. I have no childhood drama to repress & I played basketball so only a few concussions from church leagues… but nothing like playing football or boxing or something. Sigh… yes, mild dementia, paranoia, delusion & stuff like that is pretty prevalent in my family tree… but again, doing what I can to prevent that. I do pretty good… and I keep notes, etc handy because I know where my short term memory is pretty weak (I blame my job) but there’s only so much you can do to avoid basically turning into Sammy Jankis (“Memento” reference). On that note, I share this story before my dreams…

 

So about a month ago, I was thinking about horrible movies… and how a while back I said that I wanted to watch a bunch of the alleged “WORST MOVIES EVER MADE” to see if they really were that bad. Among the list was “The Room” which has been referred to as “The Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” and was written, directed, produced, starring, catered and just about everything else… by Tommy Wiseau. I mentioned to Dizzy that I wanted to watch it & she said “We already did.” What? “Yeah, back when we were first dating you said you wanted to watch this horrible movie called the Room & we did… and it was stupid & nothing happened… and I think you fell asleep… and there may have been drinking involved… but yeah, we watched it.” Really? I know we’ve seen a number of sh*tty movies but… I’ve at least had images stay with me… and basically she could describe no scenes where it was even like, “Oh yeah… I vaguely remem…” NOTHING! So I was skeptical… and thought “I would’ve blogged about it, right?” I’ll search Tommy Wiseau or #worstmovies or whatever and see a review of how horrible it is. Well, I searched… and the only thing that I could find was that I had mentioned wanting to see it. So did we watch it & I had completely forgotten to even mention it? Was it really so boring that I couldn’t recall one fact about it? Had I deprived my loyal readers a review of this monstrosity due to thirst for life & libation? Was I becoming… Mortal? NO!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! PREPOSTEROUS!!! HOW DARE YOU??? There was only one way to settle this… and that was to watch the movie AGAIN!!! See if it would jog my memory & then I could confirm or deny having seen it before.

 

Well, I watched "The Room" Tuesday night and… Not one scene seemed familiar. Frankly, I don’t see how I could’ve possibly fallen asleep watching this train wreck. So… the story is about this banker named Johnny (Wiseau) who is the “future husband” of Lisa. Apparently Lisa gets bored… so then she seduces his best friend Mark (FYI it’s repeated that he is Johnny’s best friend about a dozen times throughout the movie in case you forget). There’s also a young orphan boy Denny who shows up ALL the time… but Johnny is like a father to him (or something). Anyway, after Lisa & Mark hook up, Lisa talks with her mother & sister about it… only “she doesn’t want to talk about it” and basically… the dialogue is just horrible… like… my niece Kairi could’ve done better. I’m not joking. I think that about 90% of the movie is dubbed (poorly) yet it was all shot in English. I think Tommy Wiseau is French maybe? He puts really weird emPHASis on weird syllABles in every sentence that makes me think it’s not really his first language… and he just kind of rattles it off quickly… and again with the poor dubbing, you think they’d at least get one good take out of a dozen tries or something in the sound room? Lisa’s character is really confusing… because she seems to swing from “Johnny is the greatest & I love him” to “Ugh… I can’t stand being near him” almost in the same sentence. I’d like to cop her out with saying she has a schizoid dual personality or something… but that’d be giving the acting too much credit… and if so, it was done horribly. I also felt like they said “Don’t worry about it” a few dozen times… but I didn’t count. The movie looks like a play where it’s basically people going in & out of only a few locations (hence the name “The Room”?) but there’s also weird scenes where they throw a football around… and wait for it… there are FIVE LOVE SCENES on top of all that… and they seem like they last forever… and they are HORRIBLE!!! I feel like they finished making the movie & because it was poorly spaced & lines were just rattled off & everybody sucked… that it came out to about 45-50 minutes… and so Tommy said in an (I assume) unintelligible French accent “Well, we can basically turn it into a Cinemax late night flick with a bunch of love scenes. What do you think?” and then they shot it anyway & he added them in to get to 90 minutes. Spoiler alert: It’s so bad that I almost want to watch it again… with Dizzy in the room… to see if it’s the same movie that she was thinking of… because it was too horrible to forget… and things do happen. Horrible, horrible things. So maybe I’m not losing my memory? Who knows?

 

Okay… now for the dreams from my Oregon vacation…

 

Dream #1: Okay, it’s been a while since I had a dream to share with you all… so here it goes. Basically, this dream was apparently shot by the cameramen of WWE. It starts out with what appears to be a steroided-out Armie Hammer (“Lone Ranger”) meeting up with WWE President Vince MacMahon in an office setting with cubicles, just kind of running into each other… but Armie is of course shirtless, wearing only boots, speedo & what appears to be a championship belt over his shoulder.

 

Armie says in a semi-pompous tone (think early Triple H days): “Vince! Sorry to spring upon you like this… but I was wondering if you had a chance to consider my proposition?”

Vince: “Oh yes… Look Armie, I’m not sure that I can arrange that match just yet as you’re still new to the…”

Armie interrupts: “Vince, allow me to stop you right there. Don’t the people WANT… to see the best wrestlers?”

Vince: “Well… yes, of course.”

Armie: “And wouldn’t they like to see the best wrestlers… wrestle one another in a championship match?”
Vince: “That’s not the…”

Armie: “Then wouldn’t it be best… if you put ME, Armie Hammer, the handsome, athletic and dare I say… majestic new face of WWE in the ring… against another legend like… Heavyweight champion Shawn Michaels (who may very well be retired and/or dead by now as much as I keep track of wrestling) as soon as possible? I mean… the ratings from the female demographic alone (he says looking into the camera smiling).”

Vince; “You make a good point… but you only have a few fights under your belt and it takes time…”

Armie: “Oh, you mean… this belt (showing off the belt on his shoulder)?”

Vince: “Yes, that belt from the amateur division that you won against Sylvester St…”

Armie: “I don’t have time for to wait around for you to wise up, old man… I have Academy Awards to win. I want that championship match & I want it NOW!”

 

 

Shawn Michaels bursts through a door: “YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, LONE RANGER? COME GET SOME!!!” Then basically there’s a full out brawl with them smashing through cubicles, breaking desks in half with their falls, copiers firing off paper, waste baskets, water buckets & staplers being used as weapons, people fleeing out of the way, some trying to catch the action on their phones… just pure mayhem… and then eventually I wake up. You’re welcome.

 

Dream #2 (possibly Klamath Falls taco truck fueled): Three Old Guys – Apparently I got a sneak preview at the new “Expendables” movie… only the cast is apparently a little different… so maybe it’s Part 4. Anyway, it starts out at the airport. There’s some kid (maybe the guy from “Slumdog Millionaire”? Dev Patel?) and he’s frantically trying to get through the terminal. “Come on you guys… we have to get there quickly!” He stops, turns to look back… and there’s Team Planet Hollywood (Stallone, Schwarzenegger & Bruce Willis) struggling to catch their breath. Bruce says, “Look kid, we have some serious jetlag going here… and I haven’t had any coffee… and this f**king airport is HUGE!!! I think we’ve got a minute to catch our breaths… especially since you still haven’t told us why we’re running.”

 

Dev: “I told you… they have my family & we need to save them. Let’s go! No time! You can catch breath in taxi!” So he goes off again… and the three elders keep up with him for the most part… but let’s face it, they’re in their 60-70’s in this dream. Time catches us all. They go outside and try to hail a taxi but they all speed off… probably because they’re old guys screaming unintelligible things at taxi drivers. Arnie & Sly can’t be understood with their winded speech impediments… and Bruce is yelling while trying to catch his breath so he gets like one word out at a time. “Stop… Taxi… Stop…” The kid is trying to get a taxi too but is almost immediately snagged by a large dude & taken away. Not seeing any of this, Bruce does the bold badass thing and stands in front of a taxi… luckily the driver slams on the brakes. “Thank you! We need a ride!” The cabbie gets out & yells a bit… but Arnie pops up behind him, grabs him, turns him around & yells frantically “YOU GATTU COM DOWN! DEES IS AN EMERGENZY!”

 
 

They pile in, the cabbie starts driving, Bruce looks around… “Where’s the kid?” The other two look around confused… “Guys! Where’s the kid? Where the hell are we going?” Looks out the back window, “Stop the taxi!” Cabbie: “There is no stopping or turning around on this road until the freeway, we’ll have to do a loop if we’re picking up your friend.”

 

Flash to the kid, being thrown down in some sand by the feet of a large dude… slow pan up to… Jason Momoa (new “Conan”, season one of “King of Thrones” & “Bullet to the Head”). “You did a good job. Now those three get to witness everything firsthand.” Dev: “No problem at all… please… let my family go! I’ve done all you asked.” Jason: “You sure did… and for that, you’ll see your family soon enough.” Snaps his fingers and two other dudes grab Dev, pick him up & set him in a tub for gutting & cleaning fish at a beach somewhere. Jason pulls out a wicked knife. Dev: “What are you doing?” Jason: “Reuniting you with your family? I killed them all a while ago… don’t worry, it was quick. I’m humane in my treatment of animals.” (Jason Momoa’s character is apparently pretty racist in my dream… or just has a low value for life… I’m gonna go with the latter). Long story short, side view of screaming Dev split down the middle, little blood for like a second, quick cut to…

 

Bruce back in the cab: “Where the f**k are you going?”

Cabbie: “The highway is closed & this is the detour it’s taking me on into downtown… what do you want me to do?”

Sly: “Ey yo… (indecipherable mumblings that sound like ideas being uttered)”

Bruce: “What the f**k are you saying? It’s amazing that you’ve made it this far when you don’t speak English… AND IT’S YOUR FIRST LANGUAGE!”

Sly: “Ey!”

Bruce: “Ey my ass! You weren’t a real boxer… why the hell is it more people understand Larry Holmes than you?”

Arnie: “Broos… That is very mean auf you to say… we jus need to COM DOWNNN and…”

Bruce: “YOU WERE A GOVERNOR! Probably could’ve been President if you weren’t banging the f**king nanny during your Kindergarten Cop days… and I think your accent has progressively gotten worse. What the f**k?”

 

BOOM!!! Everybody looks outside, Bruce: “Pull over! What the hell was that?” Cabbie: “I can’t stop. We’re in the flow of traffic, let me pull over to the…” Bruce: “Slow down then, I’m getting out… (opens the door)” Cabbie: “My friend, don’t…” Bruce hops out of the taxi going about 20 MPH and instead of being all smooth like in “RED”, he basically just rolls in a very unbadass way and lies in a heap when the other get out of the taxi when it stops. Arnie & Sly come to his aid & help him up… Bruce: “Don’t touch me… ooooooh God… I’m pretty f**ked up… oooooh I need some serious medical attention… ooooooh that was really f**king stupid…”

 

Apparently the noise was a large explosion down the street… there’s random gunfire echoing off the buildings… they look around and it’s basically a pan-around vertical shot of them watching these building on fire, crazy stuff in the streets… and then a helicopter is flying in… but then basically looses control & crashes about a block away from them… Bruce: “Holy sh*t… it’s Armageddon…” and that’s about the time I wake up. Sorry, wish I had more… again, you’re welcome.

 

Well, that’ll wrap it up for this entry. There are some things that I have planned for this weekend but… I forget what they are. Nyuk nyuk nyuk… see what I did there? With the… post about memory loss and… then I said… forget it. There’s a birthday party in Sacramento that I may be going to… and I’m sure other things. Hope that you all have a great weekend as well!!! Peace!!! By the way... I know my dreams were a little dude-centric this entry so don't even start with all that...