So…after voicing my little thought the other day about wandering the Earth, I found that a few people may be down for the journey. My brothers from another mother, Isaiah and Andy, were both down with the idea…and I know they would seriously do it too. They’d be great assets too. Isaiah was in the Army for a few years, and Andy’s a rapper / entertainer. The Wingmans also joined in. My mom was down with the idea when I told her…but apparently she thought I meant moving to Thailand to grow poppies or live off the land like an agricultural tribe or a Mormon compound or something, rather than a nomadic colony of gypsies. Once she found out about the walking, she said she’d live vicariously through my blog. So we shall see. I don’t know. It just reminds me of a little news article I read a few years back (okay, it was an email that may or may not have been true…but shhhh…) where an elderly Indian Chief by the name of Two Eagles (no tribe given, which indicated it may be false) was asked by a government official, “You’ve observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress and the damage he’s done. Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?” He replied, “When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver (giggidy!), clean water. Women did all the work, medicine man free, men spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex. Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.” Am I right?
I’m not going to lie. I’ve considered running off to a reservation to learn their ways…but I’m afraid that most of those ways are long gone. “$teve Comes with a Thunder, to become a true Moapa warrior, you must hunt & kill a buffalo using only weapons that you have made from your bare hands.” “Chief Horse Rock, I have fashioned this spear and my blade with my bare hands, my horse Breaking Water is ready to ride, but are there any buffalo left here in the Nevada desert? Where might I find them in this harsh terrain?” “We have heard rumors of them in the land of Yellowstone.” “F**k. Those rangers are gonna be a hassle.” One thing’s for sure though, some lucky tourists are gonna have some amazing video to show to their families. “So the buffalo were just sitting there grazing, right? And then the herd starts rustling…and this guy, like 8 feet tall, comes flying at them on his horse, all painted up like a centaur rolled in an easel, chucks the spear at one, it stumbles a bit, then he literally pounces on its back, pulls out his knife, I think he stabbed it in the neck, they both fall. It quiet for a second, then he stands up, the buffalo’s still alive, he does this… I don’t know if it was a prayer or what, stabs the buffalo a few more times and then, I think he yelled “KAAAAAHN!!!” at the top of his lungs. I’ve got it all on video.” “That’s cool, man. We should watch it.” “Yeah, the weird thing was…after he cleaned the carcass & strapped it to his horse, he rode by the road, stopped by our RV, jumped off the horse, still covered in blood sweat dirt and only a loincloth that didn’t even cover all his junk, he looks at me and says ‘I am a Man’ then he grabbed my sister & her friend, took them into the RV and…well, she hasn’t walked right since…or stopped smiling.” “Dude, that’s gross. All that blood and stuff?” “Actually, from what she says, they showered together first to clean up, then she says her memory gets fuzzy after that…and she tends to drift off into a daydream thinking about it. They didn’t put up a fight. Weirdest thing, she speaks Portuguese or something now.” What can I say? My mind tends to wander. Anyway, so yeah, to be continued…Yesterday, I participated in Truckee Clean Up Day, where the townspeople go around and clean up the streets and parks and stuff of all the litter and various trash from the winter. My section was around the Northstar Ski Resort...and the vast majority of what I found along the roads where alcohol-related and car parts. Not sure if there's a direct correlation between the two...but I assume it was the passengers throwing out the bottles of booze (hopefully). After that was a Block Party with live music and free burgers & hot dogs for those who participated. I met a few nice people at the table and we discussed how cool Truckee is (they'd lived here for 30 years) and we even danced a little bit to...what was basically the soundtrack to "Jungle Book" which thanks to Kairi, I now know and love because I've heard her singing and dancing to it. That little girl's gonna be a heartbreaker. Oh...and I saw my first bear...
After the party, I went to Reno to get some groceries and a haircut. I kinda flirted with the stylist because...well, she's was kinda cute and what the hell else was I going to do with a cute girl running her fingers through my hair? "Wow, your hair is so thick. I could just play with it all day." "(I've got something else thick you could play with all day...but it's not nearly as soft & pliable)" "Haha, did you just think something dirty?" "Ugh...no?" "What do you want me to do with the back?" "(Bring it over here so I can smack it up, flip it, rub it down, OH NOOOOO!!!)" Anyway, nothing came of it. Half because I'm a pussy & half because she didn't really seem to be digging me. I can't read women. I just enjoy the pictures. So yeah, eventually made it down to the Lake to get some grub and enjoy a sunset. I went to my favorite place because I was in need of a mood elevator. Well, I got there...and there were two guys down there...and they signaled me down and offered me a beer. "Sure." So I go introduce myself to Eric & Nick Deez. Through our conversation, this was also their "favorite spot in all of Nevada" which is a bold statement given Vegas...but I have to agree. We shot the sh*t and just enjoyed the sunset. Apparently I'm "a pretty cool guy" but hey, these guys were the ones that cheered me up with a kind brew and a few laughs. Inspired by sailboats passing by, we talked about partying on a boat...and of course, T-Pain. "I'm on a BOAT!!!" Here are some pictures...
Anyway, after that, I went to the Tourist Club in downtown for a drink or two and try to meet people...but it was a sausage fest...so after a few beers I walked home. Hey, I'm trying to meet people. Honestly I am. Sigh... oh well, enough about my saturday. Here's some news...
Denver Update – One stop on my journey was through the Mile High City of Denver last year. Looking back, Denver was okay…but it wasn’t where I wanted to stay. I know that now. Being laid off was a blessing in disguise…because now I’m here in Tahoe…and even when I’m lonely (and contemplating hermitude, which is a word I just made up I think) it’s great, fun & gorgeous here. Anyway, Denver. Sculptures outside Denver International Airport already include a 30-foot-tall, rearing blue mustang with glowing red eyes, nicknamed "Bluecifer" by snickering locals. Now the airport has another statue: a 26-foot tall replica of the Egyptian god of the dead. Workers erected the seven-ton replica of Anubis on Wednesday next to the main terminal to promote an upcoming King Tut exhibit at the Denver Art Museum (which is pretty good for an art museum). The statue has promoted the exhibit in other cities too. It's not far from the sculpture of the blue horse called "Mustang," by Luis Jimenez. Wanna hear something creepy? The artist was killed in 2006 when a large piece of the sculpture fell on him in his studio. Airport officials say Anubis will stay only through the summer…and then move on before Bluecifer kills again. So the airport has a new creepy statue warning passers by of the dance with death that they are about to embark upon. Sometimes I think that the Denver Airport wants to fail. Years ago it was “Hey, instead of having an airport conveniently located to downtown, let’s put it about 45 minute into butt-lovin’ nowhere so that anybody who wants to use, has to pay for a bunch of gas, parking & $5 for a Whopper if they’re hungry.” Yet they still came in hordes, so then it was “How about we scare kids off with this devil horse statue with flaming eyes?” Now it’s “Let’s turn into Revenge of the Mummy” and the next logical step…is just to turn the security check into the lair of the Holy Grail from “Indiana Jones & the Lost Crusade” or something. “What does this sign say? All liquids must be in a container no larger than 3 ounces. He who carries a container larger than 3 ounces must kneel before Christ. KNEEL!!!” SCHINK!!! (that’s the sound of a blade barely missing your head as you fall to the ground by the way) So yeah, don’t miss Denver much. Mostly my apartment on the 34th floor & my cousin Ranae.
Bullfighting – Speaking of decapitation, I want to thank the great $teve of the Colbert Nation for telling me about this story in his appropriately named segment “That’s the Craziest F**king Thing I’ve Ever Heard” a few days back. Top Spanish matador Julio Aparicio left the hospital on Friday two weeks after he was gored through the throat during a bullfight before a packed arena in Madrid. Dressed in a blue suit, the 41-year-old waved to well-wishers outside of Madrid's October 12 Hospital but was unable to speak and used gestures to try to answer journalists' questions. Asked if he felt it was a miracle that he was alive, Aparicio kissed his hand and looked up while pointing at the sky. A spokesman said it was not clear how long it will take for Aparicio to make a full recovery but he added that the matador hopes to return to the ring this year (really?). Aparicio was taken to hospital in life-threatening condition on May 21 after the half-ton bull jabbed one of its horns through Aparicio's chin and back out of his mouth at Madrid's Las Ventas bullring. He underwent surgery to reconstruct his jaw, tongue and the roof of his mouth and was placed on a ventilator for several days before finally recovering the ability to breathe on his own. The matador comes from a well-known bullfighting family and he was one of the top draws at the San Isidro bullfighting festival held each May at the 25,000-seat Las Ventas arena in the Spanish capital. The injury happened as he was attempting the faena, a series of passes in which he uses his cape and sword before delivering the death blow to the bull…but the bull wasn’t falling for that sh*t. GORE!!! MORE GORE!!! People may think this is a horrible accident and should never have happened but…isn’t this exactly why you watch bullfighting? Because THIS might happen? You don’t go to watch a flamboyantly dress Spaniard and a bull dance. You go to see them fight…and not even a fair one by any stretch of the imagination. It’s like an 80-year old deaf, blind, dumb & restrained ninja going against an angry girl with a machine gun. You know which side you’re betting on…but once in a while, the broken watch has the correct time and GORE!!! I’d like to say I feel sorry for Senor Aparicio…but I really don’t. Do you think he got the worst of it? The bull’s corpse has been processed by now…and that was going to happen whether he got his sweet revenge or not. This is why I like bullfighting. You can’t even pull the BS NASCAR excuse of “I like watching the expert driving” when you know damn well you just want to see a crash or two. What can you say with bullfighting? “I like to ugh…check out the outfits and ugh…watch ‘em dance around a bit.” Yeah, that’s butch.
Miss Ellie – Speaking of disfigurement, Miss Ellie, a small, bug-eyed Chinese Crested Hairless dog whose pimples and lolling tongue helped her win Animal Planet's "World's Ugliest Dog" contest in 2009, has died at age 17 after a career in resort show business in the Smoky Mountains (wait, run that by me again). The Mountain Press reported Thursday that Ellie starred in shows at the Comedy Barn in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. She also appeared on The Animal Planet cable show "Dogs 101" and was on billboards and in a commercial. That’s right. This ugly f**king dog is more famous than you are. How does that make you feel? Oh wait, it gets better. Pigeon Forge Mayor Keith Whaley proclaimed November 12th as "Miss Ellie Day" for her owner's efforts to raise money for the local humane society. Over the years, Ellie helped raise more than $100,000 for the Sevier County Humane Society. She will be cremated. Probably a good thing because she looks like she could easily come back as a zombie. “Oh $teve, you’re so heartless. Making fun of somebody’s beloved puppy.” I know. I apologize to the owners of Miss Ellie as I know they’re probably heartbroken about their loss. I was trying to make a little levity out of the situation. It’s my own defense mechanism because I’m too scared to face my own mortality. Please don’t let my shortcomings cause you any grief. True beauty’s on the inside anyway. You know that I believe that. Then again, I’m not the one that entered her into a contest for the World’s Ugliest Dog…and then upon winning the contest, paraded her on billboards & got her a gig at a comedy club. I’m just saying, I think the owners have a sense of humor about it too. But still, I am terribly sorry for your loss. Also, a big shout-out to all of our dogs out there who ain’t with us anymore – Bogi, Sam, Zurich, X, Bronto, Ben, I’m pouring a little Cristal in your bowl for ya. Hope you like it. Miss Ellie, I’ll buy you a drink too. Sorry about the jokes.
Too Good Looking? – Is there really such a thing? And if so, would I be strong enough to witness it? I’ve experienced some beautiful creatures out there who have shook me to my very core & left me weeping like the world’s ugliest dog (sorry Miss Ellie, I’ll stop now) but TOO good looking? Well, a woman in New York has sued Citigroup Inc, accusing the bank of firing her for being too good-looking. Court records show the bank believes the lawsuit should be dismissed, or else sent to arbitration. Debrahlee Lorenzana alleged that management had warned her not to dress like her female co-workers because her "shapeliness" upset her "easily distracted" male colleagues and supervisors. The lawsuit was filed in November 2009. It received new attention after The Village Voice published an article about the 33-year-old, 5-foot-6 (1.68-m), 125-pound (57-kg) Lorenzana. Lorenzana and her lawyer Jack Tuckner were not available to comment on Thursday. According to the complaint, soon after beginning work in September 2008 at a Citibank branch in Manhattan's Chrysler building, Lorenzana was advised by supervisors not to wear turtlenecks, pencil skirts and fitted suits because her figure made such attire "too distracting" for male workers to bear. Really? I’ve got to see this. Lorenzana said management told her that female co-workers were not similarly told what to wear because their "general unattractiveness rendered moot their sartorial choices." Efforts to dress down did not end management's complaints, the single mother told the Voice. SINGLE MOTHER? Why haven’t we been introduced on eHarmony? Oh yeah, New York. "I could have worn a paper bag, and it would not have mattered," she said. It must suck to be beautiful. After complaining about her treatment, Lorenzana said she was transferred to a Rockefeller Centre branch but given a remote desk that made it difficult to sign up customers (“Nobody puts Baby in the corner”). Lorenzana was fired in August 2009, for reasons including "inappropriate" attire and a failure to meet new account quotas, the complaint said. Citigroup rejected Lorenzana's allegations. "Her termination was solely performance-based and not at all related to her appearance or attire (or that she wouldn’t go out with me). We are confident that when all of the facts and documentation are presented, the claim will be dismissed." The lawsuit was filed in the New York State Supreme Court in Manhattan. It seeks lost pay, compensatory and punitive damages, along with other remedies. Oh to be a judge in that courtroom. “Your Honor, Miss Lorenzana’s claims are completely ridiculous and I can’t believe that her case has reached the Supreme Court. As you can tell from the documentation provided, her work performance was below average and…your Honor?” “Hmm, what? I’m sorry I was ugh… (mumbles) mmm I’d show her a thing or two about the penal system.” “Your Honor?” “WHAT?” “Can you please focus on the case?” “Well, f**k man… just look at her!!! How can I be expected to listen to you blah blah blah when I can just focus on (mumbles) all the ways I’d stimulate every single nerve on that caramel bodice…” “The defense moves for a…” “The defense can move its ass out of my courtroom. Bailiff!!!” Well, I hope for Justice. Whatever that may be. I don’t know the facts. I’m not a judge. I’m a doctor. And it may be time for Miss Lorenzana’s checkup. I don't know. She's obviously gorgeous...but too good looking? If so, I'm sure that we can find a position for you where I work. Giggidy.
Snow White - With Tim Burton's new take on "Alice in Wonderland" proving such a hit this year, fairy tale films are coming back in style and now "Rush Hour" director Brett Ratner is setting up a new adaptation of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" over at Relativity Media reports Deadline. This new take, entitled simply "Snow White", is being penned by Melisa Wallack ("Meet Bill") and sounds like it will be closer in tone to the original Grimm Brothers stories than Disney's toddler-friendly 1938 animated adaptation. Ratner says "Melisa went back to the 500 year old folk tale and put in some of the things that were missing from Walt Disney's film. His dwarves were miners, and here they are robbers. There is also a dragon that was in the original folk tale. Walt made one of the great movies of all time, but ours is edgy and there is more comedy. The original, made for its time, was soft compared to what we're going to do." I like it. Did you know that aside from Disney, at least half a dozen adaptations of "Snow White" have been made over the years? Me neither…but apparently Ratner's idea sounds like it'll be halfway between the Disney film and the Michael Cohn-directed 1997 feature "Snow White: A Tale of Terror", a gothic horror interpretation which scored Sigourney Weaver both an Emmy and a SAG nomination for her performance. What’s that? Oh you’re intrigued about a horror flick about Snow White starring Sigourney Weaver? Of course you are. So am I. Now I have to find it too. Well, I’ve found the trailer. Enjoy…
Laetitia Casta in 3D – What’s better than a Victoria’s Secret model? How about one in 3D? Model/actress Laetitia Casta ("Luisa Sanfelice," "Asterix & Obelix vs. Caesar") will star in the upcoming French 3D fantasy/suspense film "Behind The Walls" reports Variety. Set in 1922, the very Victorian Gothic-sounding story centers on a young novelist who moves to a creepy small village to write a book and falls victim to terrifying hallucinations and nightmares. Pascal Sid and Julien Lacombe will direct the $5 million budget feature which will be shot in stereoscopic 3D and is scheduled for release early next year. Pre-production sketches from the project can be found at FilmsActu. Casta recently scored raves for her portrayal of Brigitte Bardot in Joann Sfar's Serge Gainsbourg biopic which opened in France back in January. Who knew that she could act too? I’m intrigued. Are you? What? You want more pictures? Okay…
Well, that'll do it for today. Again, big thanks to everybody out there for supporting my dream of going Kerouac on everybody's ass and roaming the planet in search of... whatever's out there. Who knows? Maybe by some divine intervention, the circumstances will arrive where that becomes a likely scenario...and then I'm gone for a bit. I'll keep you posted though. Have a great weekend everybody!!!
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