Carnage, Cancer, & Cuddling

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I watched "Jurassic Fight Club" on the History Channel, where they pit dinosaurs against eachother in a virtual duel to the death. What's not to like about that? Okay, so I'm a dinosaur nerd. Still, last night's episode was about Majungatholus (loosely pronounced My-Jungle-Phallic), a cannibalistic dinosaur in Madagascar about 70 million years ago. That's right, dinosaur cannibals...which is one step away from dinosaur zombies. Not only do they have razor sharp teeth, massive whipping tails, and a thick skull for ramming...but they also had a story behind the virtual ruckus. A male was trying to strut his stuff in order to mate with a female...but she was protecting her young...because they're cannibals. The male eventually notices why she's being particularly prudish...and then thinks "I'm going to have to kill her child in order to mate with her." (You know, stepfather syndrome on a reptilian scale...but wait it gets better. They even hard a viewer discretion advised warning...on the History Channel) So they scrap...and the female trips on a log, giving the male the opportunity to kill the baby...which he attempts (quite viciously). Now, he thinks he's going to get some hot reptilian action...but instead the mom comes flying out of left field and crushes his neck with her jaws, causing him to drop the baby...and paralyzing him...but he's still alive.

Oh, it's not over yet. The female nudges the baby to get a rise of it...but to no avail. Her child is dead. However, instead of greiving (which reptiles simply don't do), she needs to replenish her calories from the fight...so she eats her baby...then turns her attention to the paralyzed male...and eats him while he's still alive, organs first...because they're the most nutritious. Twisted, right? This is up there on the guilty pleasure scale now with a ridiculous show I saw with my brother on G4 called "Hurl!" where...well, the have competitive eating, then extreme activities like amusement park rides for five minutes and bungee jumping, and if you "Hurl!" then you lose. By the way, the winner gets a thousand bucks...and an Iron Stomach trophy. I like the dinosaurs better though...because it's educational...and for the kids...with parental supervision of course. "Mommy, if new daddy kills me, are you going to eat me?" Awkward.

Even Jerry Lewis is Packin' Heat - Police in Las Vegas say they have confiscated a gun belonging to Jerry Lewis that was found in the 82-year-old entertainer's carryon bag as he prepared to fly to Detroit. Policeman Bill Cassell said Tuesday that the actor was cited Friday for carrying an unloaded concealed weapon at the Las Vegas airport. Lewis' manager, Claudia Marghilano, says the handgun is a hollowed-out prop gun that Lewis sometimes twirls during his show and couldn't fire. Marghilano says Lewis didn't know the gun was in the bag along with other props. Cassell says if the gun were merely a prop "it wouldn't be a weapon and we couldn't cite him for carrying a weapon." Now that being said, let's dissect this a bit. Jerry Lewis is still doing shows? God, he must love those kids. Somebody give that guy some money. Also, he's traveling to Detroit. Of course he's going to be strapped. I would be strapped if for some reason I'm ever going to Detroit…probably Michigan in general (Flint is the 3rd most dangerous city behind the epic battle between Detroit & East St. Louis). The Nutty Professor ain't stupid. That's why he's 82 years old. Anyway, hopefully this won't be a big thing and Mr. Lewis can get back to entertaining to raise money for the kids…apparently with Carrot Top's bag of props. "What's this green stuff in the bottle?" "Don't touch that. It's called Flubber. It's very volatile." "Volatile? HE'S GOT A BOMB!!!" "No, that would be the last six movies with Dino. NICE LADY!!!"

Jet Pack Update - The Martin jet pack can, in theory, fly an average-sized pilot about 30 miles in 30 minutes on a full 5-gallon tank of gas. The apparatus was unveiled Tuesday at AirVenture Oshkosh 2008, the annual aviation convention of the Experimental Aircraft Association in east-central Wisconsin (What? You didn't know?). As thousands looked on, inventor Glenn Martin's 16-year-old son Harrison donned a helmet, fastened himself to a prototype Martin jet pack and revved the engine, which sounded like a motorcycle. He eased about three feet off the ground, the engine roaring with a whine so loud that some kids covered their ears. With two spotters preventing the jet pack from drifting in a mild wind, the pilot hovered for 45 seconds and then set the device down as the audience applauded. "Wow, that went better than expected. People will look back on this as a moment in history." That remains to be seen. Federal regulations limit the use of such devices, and it's unclear whether people will shell out $100,000 for a jet pack whose capabilities have been demonstrated on paper but not in the air. I'm a little concerned because…well, what was Mr. Martin expecting exactly? Did he willingly strap his 16-year old son to a device that very well may have exploded? I would hope not…but I guess Jerry Lewis isn't the only Nutty Professor out there. If you've got $100,000 to spend, there's a jet pack waiting for you…but I'd wait until the cost goes down a bit.

Cell Phones & Cancer - Speaking of technology that kills, I read this article that talked about the link between cellular phones and cancer…and how Ronald Herberman, director of the University of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute, said that there's a link and provides some tips to help save your brain. However, the tone of the article was pretty satirical, so it may have been a little comedy thing or just a poorly written report (and I know a LOT about that). However, the thing is…though according to this article, there's "no convincing evidence" that cell phones cause cancer, there really is. Studies have been done over the past twenty years or so on the subject…and about three years ago I did a nice little report for one of my Ethics classes (stop laughing) about it…and yeah, rat brains were getting growths on really limited exposure (like two hours…or a plan of 120 minutes for one month). However, since it's big business, I'm sure that Big Ringtone has been keeping this research under wraps as best they can. Anyway, don't dismiss it just because the paper says so. You can't believe everything you read. For example, I'm a magnificent giving lover, as well as own about a dozen teddy bears and a pickup truck. See? That's false. My dad owns the pickup truck. I just borrow it from time to time to help people move. Anyway, use cell phones in moderation.

Sexbot Update - A robot that "enjoys" being cuddled and stroked has gone on display at London's Science Museum. The Heart Robot could be among the first robots to signify a new era of "emotional machines" used for medical treatment and enjoyment, according to one of its inventors. It has a beating heart which rises when the body is shaken, but slows down when treated calmly. In addition, Heart's eyes flutter in response to touch. David McGoran, of the University of the West of England, predicts the part-puppet, part-machine creation he helped develop is an example of how robots will increasingly adopt human characteristics. He believes there could be major implications for social care, with research already taking place into giving elderly care homes robots that express emotions. Mr. McGoran says, "This raises really interesting social and ethical questions." Yeah, I've got one...does nobody hug anymore? Have we become so closed off from one another and so defensive that we can't even find somebody to hug and feel a connection with anymore? Have we become too busy to show our Love & affection for others? Do we have to rely on robots to do our emotional duties now?

Don't get me wrong. I know there are situations where life-long bachelors and bachelorettes make it into the latter years...and they sadly have no family or friends around to help them cope...and that's a great situation for a robotic friend (or a puppy). Also, I realize that if you're going to drop some serious coin on a robotic partner that you'd want her to be as realistic as possible (minus the monthly visitor maybe...unless we're talking about the Geek Squad at Best Buy). Now, I'm a big cuddler. That may demasculate me a little bit...but it's true. Seeing as I'm probably going to be a life-long bachelor, by the way they get all the kinks worked out, I might appreciate not having to clean up after a puppy...but it's just a little sad is all. I think we can all agree that if the situation ever arises where you feel like you should hug somebody...you should probably just do it. Not one of those creepy hugs involving gentle fondling and sniffing of the hair whispering something silly in their ear...but just to show that you're there for them...and they feel that connection. Because as a wise man (me) once said, when you feel disconnected, that's when you fall apart. If anybody needs a hug, just let me know. Ain't no robot taking THAT job from me too...

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I'd like to congratulate Camb and her fiance on their wedding coming up this Friday. Sorry I won't make it to the party tonight because of work...but at least try to have fun without me. Have a great day everybody!!! Oh...and happy birthday to Cat and the Governator!!!