So You're Saying There's a Chance

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It has been snowing the past few days and a few feet of mostly powdery snow has fallen. It’s quite lovely when you’re not driving in it. Actually during lunch the other day, the Weather Channel was on the TV at work & they were talking about the Lake Tahoe area and the great snow that we get out here and the scenic beauty. I had to let out a “Wow, that place looks awesome. I may have to take a trip out there.” In typical fashion, after the snowstorm comes in & drops a foot or two, the next day is beautiful clear & sunny. Then it repeats over the course of about six months from what I’m told. Not a bad setup out here. You should all come enjoy it at least once. I warn you though. A lot of the locals that I meet came out here for a vacation…and have yet to go back to work a decade later.

Also, this morning I was brushing & scraping the two feet of snow & ice off my Jeep, Gretchen, while she was warming up. A little back-story, being a Richard Cheese Superfan, I was sent an advance copy of his latest album “OK Bartender” and it was in the CD player. Well, I’m finishing up brushing the Jeep off…neighbors nearby doing the same…and I open the door to get in just as Richard Cheese is belting out, “My neck, my back, lick my p***y AND my crack” (admit it, you all know the Khia song) and the neighbor closest to me gives me a weird look as I turn it down. “Ugh…is that…you singing?” “No. It’s a lounge singer named Richard Cheese.” “Oh okay, I’ve just noticed you singing songs like that before…and he kinda sounds like you.” “Oh…well thanks…I think.” Make awkward social advances, not war. P.S. Check out that new album…and help keep Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine in business. Maybe I can convince them to come to Truckee or South Tahoe or Reno or something.

While snowed in, I watched yet another Hitchcock classic for the first time, “North by Northwest” starring Cary Grant & Eva Marie Saint. It’s the story of an advertising man (Grant) and a case of mistaken identity with a spy. No matter what the story, everybody’s convinced that he’s a spy…and it forces him to go on the run. Along the way, in true Hitchcockian fashion, he meets a mysterious beautiful big breasted blonde (Saint) and get caught up in a web of lies, deceit, danger, suspense, double crosses, plot twists & occasional nookie. You know the oft-copied/parodied scenes of the biplane trying to run down somebody…or the foot chase on Mount Rushmore? It’s from this movie. I highly recommend checking it out. In vivid Technicolor. Now, the news…with a bit of a Chinese twist to it…

Starbury Goes Global – Remember Stephon Marbury? The ultra-talented point guard out of Coney Island (inspiration for Spike Lee’s “He Got Game”) with the Minnesota Timberwolves in the late 90’s/early 00’s that teamed with Kevin Garnett? Then wanted to be the big shot & pouted a lot…so he got traded around to a bunch of different teams? Then got traded to his hometown Knicks…and still pouted? Then just wouldn’t play or got benched or whatever the story is? Then left? Then signed with the Celtics last year…and played horribly? No? Well, maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Anyway, he plays basketball…and now he’s signed with a team in the CBA. No, not that CBA…but the Chinese Basketball Association (where the 6’3” guard will probably play center). The 32-year-old has agreed to a deal with the northern club and would arrive in Shanxi next week, the team announced on its official Web site. Shanxi boss Wang Xingjiang said, "The aim of signing Marbury is to pay back our fans and try to win more games in the rest of the season." The 2001 and 2003 NBA All-Star was expected to help boost Shanxi's ticket sales as well as their chances of making the playoffs. Shanxi is currently 15th in the 17-team league. In an interview posted on Shanxi's Web site, Marbury said he wasn't daunted by the language barrier. "I'll communicate with the fans through my basketball. I think this will be a unique experience. To go overseas to play ball, to live, for me it's a challenge." (God knows I’ve thought about it) Wang added that Marbury's salary would not be too high (still $25,000 a month) because he wants to promote his personal brand of shoes in China. Celtics coach Doc Rivers said he isn't surprised Marbury is back on the court. "I did not think he was done. I thought someone would actually pick him up this summer. I think he's going over there probably to prove that he can play." He isn’t the first to do this. Last season, Shanxi hired former NBA player Bonzi Wells, who scored as many as 50 points a game. The contract ended after less than two months though when Wells went on vacation but failed to return on time. So we’ll see how this goes for the troubled former superstar. I hope it turns his image around a bit. I still see him playing center in that league though. I remember when I went over there & saw the Shanghai Normal University basketball team, their center was under six foot. I wonder if their offer to play for them still stands…

Chinese Matchmakers - China's central government has set up a match-making website to help thousands of busy but lonely government workers find love at work (a.k.a. sh*t where you eat). "Are you still single and bitter?" asks the pink-themed website (https://owa.marriott.com/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/nm/od_uk_nm/storytext/oukoe_uk_china_love/34813947/SIG=10o4kvdd2/*http:/www.ywqq.gov.cn). Look no further. The official government website for the "Central Government Unions Magpie Bridge" featuring a young man and woman peering at each other around the corner of a log cabin calls itself "the most trustworthy matchmaking platform." "Members have high caliber, are well-educated and have stable jobs. All information has been confirmed by the labour union at their respective employer, and registered with the Ministry of Public Security, to assure accuracy and reliability." Magpie Bridge has so far attracted more than 5,000 civil servants from the central government and the Beijing municipal government since it was established in 2005. It is named after the bridge of birds that once a year connects mythical Chinese lovers Niu Lang and Zhi Nu (not to be confused with the mythical evil interstellar warlord of Scientology, Xenu). The website aims at providing a "pure and safe environment," different from commercial matchmaking sites which are notorious in China for being filled with fake personal information. It doesn't list a success rate but, at 100 Yuan ($13) for a year's subscription for a civil servant, it seems a bargain. Hmm, would that include maybe…a professional basketball player in a state-ran economy? Hmm, maybe I can find me some Love in China…and at a fraction of eHarmony’s rates…but then again, I’d be a sports star, getting mobbed in the subway all the time. “Thank you, thank you, I’m sorry. I have no idea what you’re saying. Do you want me to sign your baby? Sign your baby? Is that why you’re holding it up to me? Do you have a Sharpie?” Ah memories…

Great Wall of Chaka - The Great Wall never looked so tasty. A team of Chinese confectioners have built a 10 meter (33 ft) long replica of the structure entirely out of chocolate in a bid to entice Chinese to eat more of the sweet stuff. The chocolate wall is made from solid dark chocolate bricks stuck together with white chocolate and is one of the attractions at the World Chocolate Wonderland exhibition and trade show which will open to the public later this month. Chocolatier Wang Qilu said his version of the ancient wall was a feat of engineering in itself, with a carefully constructed crumbling section at one end to resemble the real thing (nice cover for a mishap). He also had to make sure his materials did not melt (bring it to Truckee). "You have higher and lower levels and you have to fit each brick into place, one by one, to build it up, it's difficult," he said. Up to 80 tons of chocolate (approximately 328 million calories by the way) were used in making the displays, which include a mini-army of 560 chocolate replicas of the famous Terracotta Warriors standing to attention on a layer of chocolate flakes. The show's general manager, Tina Zheng, said she hoped the displays would give chocolate a boost in the Chinese market and its billion-plus consumers. "Chocolate has not been around in China that long, it doesn't have that several-thousand-year history that it does in the West which has made chocolate as common as milk or fruit. While in China, chocolate is a specialty or something given to children, in general, it is not widely known." Local and foreign chocolate manufacturers will take part in the show, she added. Mmm, sounds delicious. At least I know there’d be a pot of chocolate at the end of the bridge of magpies if I were to join Stephon over there. By the way, the original terracotta warriors were just made out of a flatbread that has been sitting for over 2000 years. It’s on the internet now. It has to be true. Okay, maybe not…but this is…

Marriage Finally Pays Off - Historically, marriage was the surest route to financial security for women. Nowadays it's men who are increasingly getting the biggest economic boost from tying the knot, according to a new analysis of census data. The changes, summarized in a Pew Research Center report being released Tuesday, reflect the proliferation of working wives over the past 40 years, a period in which American women outpaced men in both education and earnings growth. A larger share of today's men, compared with their 1970 counterparts, are married to women whose education and income exceed their own, and a larger share of women are married to men with less education and income (that’s basically the same statistic twice, right?). "From an economic perspective, these trends have contributed to a gender role reversal in the gains from marriage," wrote the report's authors, Richard Fry and D'Vera Cohn. "In the past, when relatively few wives worked, marriage enhanced the economic status of women more than that of men. In recent decades, however, the economic gains associated with marriage have been greater for men." One barometer is median household income, which rose 60% between 1970 and 2007 for married men, married women and unmarried women, but only 16% for unmarried men, according to the Pew data. The report focused on U.S.-born men and women aged 30-44 — a stage when typical adults have finished their education, married and launched careers. The Pew report noted that today's Americans in this age group are the first such cohort in U.S. history to include more women than men with college degrees. In 1970, according to the report, 28% of wives in this age range had husbands who were better educated than they were, outnumbering the 20% whose husbands had less education. By 2007, these patterns had reversed with 19% of wives had husbands with more education, compared with 28% whose husbands had less education. Only 4% of husbands had wives who earned more than they did in 1970, compared with 22% in 2007. During that span, women's earnings grew 44%, compared with 6% growth for men, although a gender gap remains (is that anything like Baby Gap?). According to 2009 Census Bureau figures, women with full-time jobs earned salaries equal to 77.9% of what men earned, compared with 52% in 1970. The Pew researchers noted that the economic downturn is reinforcing the gender reversal trends, with men losing jobs more often than women. So gentlemen, if you just got laid off, maybe you should go bag yourself a wealthy wife. Get yourself a nice hot sugar mama, retire to the hills and raise a few beautiful children together. Then when your wife’s working long hours to get that promotion, and she shows up late for dinner AGAIN, and she’s too tired to be intimate after you’ve waited for her all day, and the kids would rather hang with their friends than you, and it seems the only person that acknowledges your existence is the poolgirl giving you the eye…or your wife’s best friend who lives down the street. OH YEAH!!! Not quite the same when the roles are reversed now is it? Sorry. I come from divorced parents. And I watch too much TV. I still think Marriage can be a great thing…despite what statistics show. It’s kinda like…there’s a lot of sh*tty art out there in the world…but every once in a while, you get the Sistine Chapel. It ain’t easy…but it’s worth it. Does that sound like a guy who’s never been married or what?

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. OH!!! Big news – My brother may actually have a chance of keeping my niece. The judge ACTUALLY looked at the mountain of evidence against CW in the hearing the other day…and the worst fear was that they wouldn’t. (Even one of her other baby daddies is testifying…on my brother’s behalf) Tomorrow should be a big day, one way or another. Pray for my niece. I just hope that whatever happens she’ll be looked over by a responsible adult. That’s really what’s important…is that she’s safe. Have a great day everybody!!!

Talk Nerdy to Me

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

You may have noticed that I’m a bit of a nerd…and admittedly so. I’m not just talking about something like…Bubbles pointing out to me yesterday that I basically planned my day around football (in my defense, there seriously wasn’t anything else to do while it was snowing yesterday) but MUCH more nerdy than that. Like what you ask? Well, as you know, this web-based journal is a valuable resource to anybody looking for updates in the world of Pandas, Dinosaurs, Sexbots, Bad Movies, and things that just fascinate me. However, last night, while people my age were our burning the midnight oil to get those last party hours in before work in the morning, I too was up late. What was I doing? Watching the Discovery Channel. Oh yes!!! I was watching several shows including “Planet Earth Extremes” where there were the Ethiopian Highlands where there are lakes and rivers of sulphuric acid & baboons that live on cliffs (No, not Stallone in “Cliffhanger”) or hummingbirds that live in caves & use sonar or Macaques in Indonesia who adapted in the last 5 years to SWIM for their food in a flooded forest and these massive caves that are home to some of the craziest f**king things that you can imagine…and I was just mesmerized by this stuff…and it was so beautiful & interesting to me that I simply lost track of time for like…four hours. The worst part, I’m probably going to check it out again tonight (thanks DVR). So yeah, now you know how I party here in Tahoe when it’s snowing outside (PS It's a blizzard right now). I like to check out what’s going on in Ethiopia. So to continue my research into the nerdy studies, I give you the news…

How It Starts – You may ask yourself “How does one become a nerd?” Well, it helps to be smart…or at least able to grasp simple concepts. Another way is just to be a little persecuted as a kid…and science fairs are great for that. Well, fire officials said a San Diego middle school was evacuated when a student's science project was mistaken for a bomb. Fire-Rescue spokesman Maurice Luque said a vice principal's concerns prompted the evacuation of Millennial Tech Magnet Middle School Friday afternoon (not enough Presidents & Civil Rights Leaders, we have to name schools after magnets now?). Luque said an arson team took photos and x-rays of the empty plastic bottle with wires and determined it was harmless. Luque says the 11-year-old boy was trying to build a motion detector from instructions he found on the Internet (can’t find bomb plans there…) and parts he bought online with help from his father. His parents did not realize that the object looked threatening. He said the student was "a genius-type kid" who undertook the project on his own, had no intentions of hurting anyone or causing any disruptions…yet. It all starts with being a genius-type kid and undertaking your own projects. Then you move on to your own experimentation (and not of the two tipsy female coeds in their jammies variety) after some jerk makes fun of your acne. Then before you know it, you’re writing your manifesto and mailing “motion detectors” to the establishment. I’m just saying, keep an eye on this kid. Nerds can be turned evil too. Just ask Doctor (blank) in just about any comic or movie ever made.

Spiderman Eyes Burj Khalifa – Being an engineering nerd, I was amazed to hear about this world’s tallest structure being completed in Dubai…and thought it was cool that it was named after the King of Abu Dhabi who gave the city BILLIONS to help them through the recession for the time being…but because it happened last month when I didn’t have internet, you all missed out on it. Luckily, this ties in with the last story about the future Doctor Octopus because the French Spiderman (not Peter Parkaaaa) Alain Robert has set his sights on scaling the world's tallest skyscraper. The Gulf emirate of Dubai opened the glistening 828-metre (2,717-foot) concrete, glass and steel skyscraper on January 4th. "I'll have to do it... maybe between January and April 2011," he was quoted as saying by Malaysia's official Bernama news agency late Saturday. "I know the people of Dubai, they are interested (in seeing me climb the skyscraper)," he added. Robert, 47, was in Malaysia to receive an award for his extraordinary feats in scaling tall buildings. Skyscrapers he has climbed include the Empire State Building, the Sears Tower and Taipei 101, according to his website. He admitted that climbing the Dubai tower will be a tough mission because of the Middle Eastern heat. "The problem in Dubai is the hot weather (of) up to 40 degrees (Celsius, 104 degrees Fahrenheit). My biggest fear is to waste my time on earth. For me, climbing is as important as eating and breathing. Climbing skyscrapers is my lifetime love and passion." Last September Robert was fined by a Malaysian court after he scrambled up the 88-story Petronas Twin Towers with his bare hands in less than two hours…and four months later, he’s receiving an award. You gotta like a person with Passion for what he or she does. Whether it’s climbing skyscrapers, knitting sweaters, raising children, filming pornography, singing showtunes, digging up dinosaurs, driving a taxi, making people healthy, telling jokes, whatever. We should all be so lucky as to have a real Passion in life. Good luck, Monsieur Spiderman.

Pink Snowmen – Also tying in with our earlier discussion of explosives, some snow in a Buffalo neighborhood turned a deep shade of pink after a cloud of powder was released during demolition of a business that used to make food coloring. As surprised parents and pet owners wondered whether to ban outdoor play, state health and environmental officials collected samples. A demolition contractor said a pipe that contained about five pounds of residual red dye No. 40 ruptured at a building being torn down near the former Buffalo Color plant Thursday afternoon. John Yensan of Ontario Specialty Contracting says powder was carried by the wind across homes, cars and streets. Authorities said the dye didn't appear to pose a health problem (though it’s derived from petroleum, banned in Denmark & not recommended for children throughout Europe due to its link to health risks like hyperactivity). A water truck was sent in to clean up…and apparently make pink ice. Anyway, just thought I’d put the image of pink snowmen in your head.

WWF Helps Pandas – That’s right, the steroid-poppin’ behemoths of the WWF are donating 40 million yuan (about $6 million) over the next three years to increase the number of giant panda reserves in China. Many have speculated that they are doing this so that select superstars like The Big Show, John Cena or the Undertaker will eventually be able to wrestle these vicious animals in a steel cage match…or perhaps take up a spot in the Royal Rumble. The entertainment / environmental group also plans to build "wildlife corridors" between the 60-plus reserves to enable the pandas to move around more freely, WWF China representative Dermot “The Ogre” O'Gorman told AFP. "The only way we are going to protect the long-term security of the giant panda is to ensure that the existing habitat remains of high quality." O'Gorman said WWF will try to work with local governments to reduce the impact of tourism, highways and other infrastructure on panda habitats, as well as expand a scientific monitoring system to cover all the reserves. There are nearly 1,600 pandas living in the wild, more than three-quarters of them in the southwestern province of Sichuan. Pandas also are found in northwestern Gansu province and northern Shaanxi province. Another 290 giant pandas are in captive-breeding programs in China. Wait, I am just now getting word that apparently the WWF is no longer the World Wrestling Federation, but rather the World Wildlife Fund…which does make a lot more sense when you think about it. I was wondering why I had never heard of the WWF China circuit. Dang!!! Now I may never get to see a panda get whacked in the back with a folding chair by Vince McMahon. I’m mildly disappointed by that.

Doomsday Rescheduled - Scientists pushed back the hands on the symbolic Doomsday Clock by one minute citing hopeful developments in nuclear weapons and climate change. The symbolic clock that shows how close mankind is to self-annihilation was moved back to six minutes before midnight from five minutes on Thursday. The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, which maintains the clock and puts an illustration of it on its cover, attributed the move to efforts by world leaders to reduce their countries' nuclear arsenals and collaborate on climate stabilization. The group, which includes 19 Nobel laureates, said a key to the "new era of cooperation is a change in the U.S. government's orientation toward international affairs brought about in part by the election of (U.S. President Barack) Obama." Nuclear physicist Pervez Hoodbhoy at news conference held at the New York Academy of Sciences overlooking the World Trade Center site, said there had been "a shift in world opinion" recognizing that nuclear weapons are "no longer useful to fight wars and are not effective as deterrence." BAS board member Lowell Sachnoff added, "Global warming is more of a threat than nuclear war." It sounds like somebody has never visited Hiroshima. Anyway, when the clock was created in 1947, it was set at 7 minutes to midnight (because 7 was considered lucky?). It has been adjusted only 18 times before Thursday' move. The last was in 2007, when the BAS moved it forward by two minutes citing North Korea's test of a nuclear weapon, Iran's nuclear ambitions and a renewed U.S. emphasis on the military utility of nuclear weapons. So there’s a newfound hope in the world that we’re slowly but surely on our way to making the world a slightly safer place…or getting a few more drinks in before we start singing Auld Lang Syne & kiss the nearest hottie, I’m not exactly sure what the symbolism is. That is…until we look at the real story behind this Doomsday Clock – Nerds control Time!!! They can simply move time backwards…or if they so wish, push it forward into the Apocalypse (they’ll have to beat out snakes first). Not only that, I’m fairly certain that the BAS has some kind of Weather Dominator AND at the very least, an army of rudimentary cyborgs or mindless clones at their disposal. Once they’re comfortable with their level of control over them, they will take over the world…and the age of BAS will begin. It’ll start with underwater attacks in submarines designed to look like giant freshwater gamefish. Then packages will arrive with what appear to be fish wrapped in newspaper…but you haven’t ordered the paper in years. BOOM!!! An explosion and the mailman wearing a mask over his mouth screams out “BAS!!!” and retreats to the home base, the Doomsday Dome. Then the two vital forces of the Apocalypse (BAS & serpents) join forces to makes the new world order, COBRA. Who will save us? A special government task force composed of stereotyped specialists? I don’t think so. Sigh… I sure go a long way to make a reference to a cheesy 80’s cartoon recently made into a lackluster movie, don’t I? What can I say? I’m a nerd. And ugh…I’m pretty proud of it.

Anyway, enough of that stuff for today. The Doomsday Clock has been pushed back, the South has been freezing the past week or so & that’s probably killing off some of those snakes that were overrunning the Everglades, birds are chirping, the sky is blue and all the leaves are green, my heart’s as full as a baked potato, what a wonderful time to be alive. Oh…and if you haven’t already, please text “Haiti” to 90999 to donate $10 to help the millions of Haitians in need of food, water & shelter. Have a great day everybody!!!

Please Text Haiti to 90999

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Tomorrow, I’ll be stocking up on supplies. Why? Because apparently on Sunday it’s supposed to snow…and when it’s all over in a week or so, the experts are saying that we should have 10-15 FEET of snow. That’s 3-5 YARDS in vertical heights of frozen water blanketing the area. I’ll be sure to check in when I can to let you all know that I’m doing okay…but yeah, can’t wait for spring & winter has barely started apparently. No worries. It should be great for working out my shoveling muscles and testing out all my new outdoor gear. It may just be a while before I can enjoy the feeling of blades of green grass between my toes…or get to judo chop a bear again. You know, because they hibernate. Oh well, that’s what’s going on in my deck of the woods. Let’s check out the rest of the world. P.S. Please Help Haiti by texting "Haiti" to 90999, it will donate $10 to help them out through your phone bill. It's quick. It's easy. You'll save lives.

In Other News, OJ Did It – So…former baseball behemoth Mark McGwire made the unexpected announcement this past week that he had used steroids while he was breaking home run records & swelling uncontrollably in the 90’s. It’s not shocking that he used steroids…but really that he finally came out and said it. I thought he was going to ride that hard work & genetics story until the wheels fell off. Now, I don’t care that the guy used steroids. Much like I don’t care that Pete Rose gambled (at least games that he wasn’t a part of) or that the Cleveland Indians aren’t politically correct. It’s just that they lied about it. I mean…at least give me some excuse like “Oh, I didn’t know that stuff was illegal.” “What do you think all the urine tests were for?” “I thought some guy was just selling that stuff on eBay.” Anyway, that’s about all I have to say about that. Not really news. That’ll go in the newspaper right next to shocking headlines like “Somebody Says Something Controversial” or “Sun Rises in Eastern Sky” or “Water Crashes on Ocean Shore” or how about…

Sex Sells - Drivers in downtown Moscow squinted in disbelief as an electronic highway billboard blazed a two-minute pornographic video instead of its regular advertising clips. Late-night traffic on one of the Russian capital's busiest roads slowed Thursday as a couple's explicit escapades appeared on the 9-by-6-meter display. Some people took pictures of the sight with their mobile phones and posted them on the Internet. Passer-by Alyona Prokulatova told The Associated Press that she was "so shocked that I couldn't even shoot video or take a picture of it." Apparently her hands were elsewhere. The screen's owner, 3 Stars (oddly enough what most rated the video), told the AP that a hacker attack was likely to blame. Police are investigating the incident…thoroughly. That would be an interesting sight on the drive home from work. Worn out from the day, stuck in yet another traffic jam, the radio is scrambled due to cellular interference, the heater’s broken, you’re shivering, then you glance out your window…and see the warming glow of coitus. I’m glad that nobody was hurt in accidents from this thing. That could’ve been dangerous. Like ten times worse than a large-breasted, short skirt wearing woman crossing a busy intersection, I would think. It must’ve been a traffic jam. But the question still remains, what was it advertising? Before or after the video clip, of course. Nobody remembers. Something to keep in mind. Highly ineffective marketing. And yes, that is what my degree is in. Obviously not English literature. Yet another shocker.

Four Brothers…Minus One - A sequel to John Singleton’s 2005 drama "Four Brothers" is in development at Paramount Pictures says The Hollywood Reporter. Marky Mark Wahlberg, who starred in the original, came up with the idea along with original film's scribes David Elliot and Paul Lovett who will pen the screenplay. The original pulled in a modest but decent $74 million. Entitled "Five Brothers", the story details are being kept under wraps but will likely include three of the five original characters - hotheaded Bobby (Wahlberg), hard-edged Angel (Tyrese Gibson), businessman Jeremiah (André 3000 Benjamin). Spoiler alert: The fourth, Garrett Hedlund’s sensitive Jack (the one who wasn’t a singer…but played one in the movie), died in the first film but the actor might return in flashbacks (though doubtful). Lorenzo Di Bonaventura will return to produce. I liked the first one. Not sure how a sequel would go…but hey, I’d probably Netflix it.

Fat Bottomed Girls – Ladies, like I always say, don’t worry about your end meat. Why? New research suggests that having junk in your trunk is healthier than a spare tire around the gut. The extra padding on the backside and thighs could even help to protect against disease (and no, not STD’s). The results come from a review that summarizes various studies on the health effects of different fat stores in the body, particularly around the hips and thighs. "The fact that body fat's distribution is quite important for your health has been known for some time now," said lead researcher Konstantinos Manolopoulos of the University of Oxford in England. But this new article summarizes a body of research showing that such hip and thigh fat can help to reduce the risk of diabetes and heart disease. The review also suggests a mechanism for conveying those benefits. The next step is to figure out how our bodies decide where to store fat, say, in the stomach versus the butt. "Once this is understood then one could think about therapeutic approaches to make use of that," Manolopoulos told LiveScience. "Maybe to make use [of it] in a preventive way by redistributing the fat." Manolopoulos and his colleagues detail their findings this week in the International Journal of Obesity. When looking through the studies, the researchers found that not all fat is created equal. Stomach fat is considered more metabolically active than lower body fat. While that may sound good, as this fat breaks down easily, the result is a release of substances called cytokines, which have been linked to cardiovascular disease, insulin resistance and diabetes. In fact, research on mice reported in 2008 revealed that belly fat boosts inflammation and is linked with hardening of the arteries - known to increase the risk of heart attacks. But scientists think lower body fat, like that around the hips and thighs, produces beneficial hormones that protect against these diseases, though more research is needed to firm up this expectation. In addition, this lower body fat also traps fatty acids. While this long-term storage can make it tricky to slim down your butt and thighs, it's healthier for you if some fat stays put. "If fatty acids are not stored in fat but are stored in other organs like the liver or the arteries this makes you prone to develop diabetes and heart disease," Manolopoulos said. Other evidence includes instances of Cushing's syndrome (yes, that’s really what it’s called), in which patients lose their hip and thigh fat while gaining stomach fat. These patients are known to have an increased risk for diabetes and heart disease. The scientists aren't sure how the body decides where to store fat, but it's partially genetic. That genetic force can be seen in the gender differences in how fat gets stored, with women having much more of the healthy, lower body fat than men (and we don’t mind a bit) hence the lower risk of heart disease in women. Manolopoulos added, "As long as you are female and your hormones are female hormones you are protected from cardiovascular disease. The moment you go into menopause and your hormones change, you lose your typical female appearance and you gain stomach fat and at the same time your risk for heart disease and diabetes becomes comparable to men of the same age." See? Love your curves, ladies. And not just because we do…but because it’ll help protect you from heart disease…and turns the most metallic of surfaces into a cushioned theatre chair.

Fox Update – Okay, it’s not really a Fox Update per se…but it involves her. So among her many future movie projects is that dramatic thriller “Passion Play” set in 1950s Los Angeles and follows a down on his luck trumpet player (Mickey Rourke) who finds redemption from an angel (Megan Fox) stuck under the thumb of ruthless gangster Happy Shannon. The news is who will be playing the ruthless gangster. Any guesses? Well, the great Bill Murray (“Ghostbusters” & “Lost in Translation”) will replace British thespian Toby Kebbell as the murderous mobster according to Production Weekly. Kelly Lynch also stars. Mitch Glazer penned and is directing the production which is currently filming in New Mexico. I don’t know about you…but I can’t wait to see Bill Murray play a ruthless gangster. Oooh, do you think he may have a Tommy Gun? Is Bill Murray gonna have to choke a b**ch? The possibilities are endless. Hmm… I wonder if this movie’s gonna start with a shot of the sexy female costars ass like “Lost in Translation” did.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Play safe.

My Own Seven-Digit Bonus, Your Phone Number

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Nowadays, providing for your family is more difficult than in a long time. The money markets are in a state of complete clusterf**k (that they started yet seem to give themselves bonuses for doing with bailout money), industries that once flourished are feeling the pinch of hard economic times, people are at the point where they’ve been looking for jobs for YEARS while more are being let go, entire families are having to move across the country and/or world just in search of a way to get exploited to make ends meet & feed their children. We’re trying to find ways to save money, sacrifice luxuries, squeeze every little bit out of that toothpaste, everything short of reusing toilet paper (I’ve just gone off my deck like the squirrels & coyotes do…but that gets cold…and awkward with neighbor kids) to get the most with what we’ve got. However, I’ve noticed that there are a few creative ways to make money that people around the world have been trying out.

Phuket!!! – No, not the lovely resort area of Thailand but rather just giving up and throwing in the towel. Portland police said a man handed an apologetic robbery note to an employee at a FedEx Kinko's store, then waited for police to arrive. Employee Paul Rhoney said the note said: "This is a robbery, I'll wait outside for police, sorry." Police Detective Mary Wheat said responding officers found the 46-year-old man outside the store Tuesday morning and took him into custody. Wheat said no robbery charges will be pursued because the man did not have a weapon and didn't carry out a robbery. Police believe he simply wanted to go to jail. The man was taken to the Multnomah County Jail for investigation of initiating a false report. Well next time I guess he’ll just need to remember to bring a gun…or at least a sharpened stick or shard of glass or something. This isn’t the first time that I’ve heard of stuff like this. I remember a few years ago that a middle aged homeless man in Utah set fire to a dry field near Farmington in the summer and it burned horribly for a few days as firefighters tried to douse it. Why did he do it? He wanted to go to jail so that he could eat three meals a day and sleep indoors.

Honestly, I couldn’t really blame the poor bastard. Given the circumstances, maybe the threat of shanking and/or unwanted butt sex is a small price to pay when your options are limited. It’s a bit of a screwy system it seems. I often wonder why I work hard & pay taxes so that other people can get paid under the table and reap benefits. Think about it. I don’t have kids. Why should I pay for schools? Horrible ones at that? Kids today are stupid. Crafty…but stupid. The real funny part is…if I did have kids…then I wouldn’t have to pay for schools or libraries or anything like that. Why can’t I get welfare? Food stamps? Government assistance to help pay for my apartment? Free medical coverage? Basically everything that my crack whore ex-sister-in-law gets for being who she is. Why? Because I make too much money…and I pay taxes. Am I bitter about it? Obviously a little bit…but then I remember what my mama told me growing up. “$teve, the reason we’ve got to get up early, educate ourselves, then work hard 50 hours a week, then come home to clean our own houses & pay bills isn’t just because we want to…but because we have to. There are DOZENS of people out there that you’ll probably never meet who depend on YOU...and you don’t want to let them down, do you?” No. No I don’t. That’s why I work hard. So that other people can say phuket & live off my hard work. That being said, I still believe that the only way to make this world a better place is for more people to not take the easy way out…but to use their minds (and a little elbow grease) to make things better. New ideas are what made this country great & it’s great ideas that are gonna make it even greater. So now I’m gonna share some of those ideas with you…

Music & Fertility - Residents in Knoxville, Tennessee's wealthy Sequoyah Hills neighborhood are alarmed that a man wants to convert his home into a duplex and run a music studio and fertility service out of it. The Knoxville News Sentinel reported David Perkins is asking the Metropolitan Planning Commission to allow the change, saying he wants to operate businesses that would involve music lessons and the coordinating of two fertility services. "We are very much opposed to all of this," said Jim Bletner, board member of the Kingston Pike Sequoyah Hills Association, who said members would appear before the commission on Thursday to speak against Perkins' proposal. A duplex would be out of character in the neighborhood and the businesses could intrude on neighbors' tranquility, he said. Perkins proposes to conduct music lessons in his home and book appearances from there. No performances would be held there. Neighbors said a previous MySpace posting by Perkins included the list of events: bamboo flute playing on Sundays; balloons, juggling and music on Mondays; a Family Music Gathering and Drum Circle on Tuesday, along with others. Perkins told the newspaper he made up the list to pump up his business and attract more bookings. "That was just hype. How big do I have to be to get somebody's attention to talk to me on equal-part terms as an entertainer? It's marketing; it's hype." None of the events are taking place and Perkins said he has removed them from his MySpace page. Perkins operates two Web sites for part of his business called Family Building LLC, which he said helps couples who are trying to conceive. If you think about, music & baby making go hand-in-hand…or body part-in-body part. Have you had the awkward conversation with your parents about what song was playing when you were conceived? No? The answer may surprise you. In fact, I may have that conversation with my parents tonight. I’ll let you know what I find out. What’s my point? Oh yeah, so let the man do his business. Even if he’s juggling & playing bamboo flutes or whatever he’s talking about, it’s his house. Deal with it. Anyway, I’ve gotta call my dad.

Death of a Teddy Bear - R&B singer Teddy Pendergrass, who was one of the most electric and successful figures in music until a car crash 28 years ago left him in a wheelchair, has died of colon cancer. He was 59. Pendergrass died Wednesday in suburban Philadelphia, where he had been hospitalized for months. The singer's son, Teddy Pendergrass II, said his father underwent colon cancer surgery eight months ago and had "a difficult recovery." Before the crash, Pendergrass established a new era of R&B with an explosive, raw voice that symbolized masculinity, passion and the joys and sorrow of romance in songs such as "Close the Door," "It Don't Hurt Now," "Love T.K.O." and other hits that have since become classics. He was an international superstar and sex symbol. His career was at its apex — and still climbing. Friend and longtime collaborator Kenny Gamble, of the renowned production duo Gamble & Huff, teamed with Pendergrass on his biggest hits and recalled how the singer was even working on a movie. "He had about 10 platinum albums in a row, so he was a very, very successful recording artist and as a performing artist. He had a tremendous career ahead of him, and the accident sort of got in the way of many of those plans." Pendergrass, who was born in Philadelphia in 1950, suffered a spinal cord injury in a 1982 car accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down — still able to sing but without his signature power. The image of the strong, virile lover was replaced with one that drew sympathy…but instead of becoming bitter or depressed, Pendergrass created a new identity — that as a role model. "He never showed me that he was angry at all about his accident," Gamble said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "In fact, he was very courageous." Pendergrass left a remarkable imprint on the music world as he ushered in a new era in R&B with his fiery, sensual and forceful brand of soul and his ladies' man image, burnished by his strikingly handsome looks. Gamble said Pendergrass was one of a kind as an artist and boasted a powerful voice and "a great magnetism." "He was a great baritone singer, and he had a real smooth sound, but he had a real rough sound, too, when he wanted to exert power in his voice," Gamble said. The really odd thing…is that I was singing “Try a Little Tenderness” this morning before I heard…and had no idea why or where it came from. Well, perhaps you’ll find out through the conversation with your parents later that Teddy had a little something to do with it. Rest in peace. Anyway, sorry to depress everybody, back to making money.

WOW!!! Polish Professional - Poland's tax office has levied a fine of 2.3 million zlotys ($820,000 in Earth money) on an unemployed woman for failing to pay tax on income worth at least 13.7 million zlotys she said she had earned as a prostitute. The woman (not pictured...she's just hot) told the tax office in the southern city of Katowice that she had very "generous" customers, the website gazeta.pl, which is linked to leading Polish daily Gazeta Wyborcza, reported Tuesday. She was quoted as saying that one of her clients paid the woman 5 million zlotys during the 1997-2002 period. The website gave no further details. I’m gonna save you having to load your calculator, that 13.7 million zlotys is about $5 million. During a worldwide recession. Her stuffin’ muffin must be insured by Lloyd’s of London. In America, to get that kind of money for being a whore, you’d have to marry a wealthy geezer who doesn’t believe in pre-nups and slowly poison him over time, then go through a lengthy court battle with his relatives until you overdose on painkillers (or get…murdered. Dun dun duuuh!!!). Either this woman shags like a minx…or she’s the world’s greatest conversationalist. I’m curious what this woman looks like…but then again, maybe the mystery is half the appeal. That must be it because…I’d f**k for free…and I’m worth every penny. Apparently the oldest profession is still a pretty good way to make some serious cizzash when you’re in a pinch.

Fox Update – You knew this day was coming. As soon as she agreed to make her ends meet by showing off her end meat for Emporio Armani undergarments, you knew that they would end up on this blog. Megan Fox has now officially replaced Posh Spice on the company’s advertisements. God bless America…and Italy. For her Armani Jeans campaign, the starlet debuts a stripped-down look, with damp hair, bare feet, and minimal makeup (it’s called black & white photography), and is dressed casually in a white oxford and jeans. The new series of ads, shot by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott, featuring the 23 year-old will be unveiled in February on billboards in fashion meccas like New York, Tokyo, Milan and Hoboken. Why Fox? That’s a stupid f**king question…but Giorgio Armani puts it succinctly: “Megan is young and sexy and has a lot of spirit,” he said, adding that his brands are “all about a youthful attitude, making her the perfect choice for the collections.” Who knew that a colorblind fragrance would have such business savvy? Anyway, I think I’m done thinking about money for the time being. I’m gonna focus on the finer things of life. Please hold.

On that high note, I think I’ll call it a day. There’s a showing of some independent movie about “The Donner Party” starring Crispin Glover (“Back to the Future” & “Charlie’s Angels”) nearby on Sunday that I might attend…but it’s also supposed to snow that night…and if I’m going to die ironically, it’s going to be a LOT funnier than that. Anyway, best of luck to all of you in your financial ventures…and if you can’t be rich, I hope that you all can at least be happy…because you’re all Loved. Have a great day everybody!!!

Pillow Talk in 7.1 Dolby Surround Sound

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So…I talked to Kairi last night…and she wants to come see Uncle $teve’s house…and play in the ocean…and ride on an airplane. So I may have a few special guests on a portion of my road trip come April when I hit the Pacific Coast. I’m thinking we may meet up in the LA / San Diego area so that the ocean’s a little warmer than in San Francisco though. Anyway, something to think about. Another busy busy day…but it’s all good, because as promised, I was able to find a few moments to bring you the news. You’re welcome.

Pie Eating Championship - A first-timer made mincemeat of the competition in the World Pie Eating Championships on a few weeks back, devouring his in under a minute. Supermarket worker Barry Rigby, 36, won the title by finishing his regulation meat and potato pie in 43 seconds at Harry's Bar in the city of Wigan in the United Kingdom. However, it was not quick enough to beat the world record of 35.86 seconds, set by Adrian Frost in 2007. "I was really surprised to win, I think my two boys will be very proud of me," said Rigby, who only entered the contest on a whim. "The pie tasted great. I am a big pie fan, I eat between 10 and 20 a week at least." (Mmm… Oh wait, I think we’re thinking of different pies) Last year's winner Fred Wyatt, a 61-year-old warehouse packer, came second (sometimes it takes the older guys a little longer). The competition started in 1992. The pies are 12 centimeters wide by 3.5 centimeters deep and must have a 66% meat content. Harry's Bar owner Tony Callaghan said cheating was not tolerated. "Gravy has traditionally been the performance-enhancing drug of choice amongst pie eaters at this level, but we banned it after a series of questionable concoctions were created by contenders. Specifically we're told that dry tickly cough linctus works particularly well in lubricating the throat and causing a mild anesthetic effect which enables faster swallowing," he said. The championships took place a day after Chinese snooker player Ding Junhui won his weight in pies -- 276 of them, four for each of his 69 kilos (152 pounds) in weight -- by claiming the UK Championship title. However, despite all these feats in pie eating mastery, one questions still remains. What the f**k is a snooker player? I’m gonna have to Google that. Apparently, it’s billiards…but with more balls. Check it out.

Milla Update – Some of you may have forgot about my baby mama…but she’s still out there making movies. Granted not a lot of them make it to a theatre near you but I’m sure the vast majority are pretty good. We all mess up and make “.45” though. Anyway, Overture Films has picked up the U.S. distribution rights to John Curran's thriller "Stone". The story follows a convicted arsonist (Edward Norton) who uses his wife (Milla Jovovich) to manipulate a parole officer (Robert DeNiro). Angus MacLachlan penned the script and David Mimran, Jordan Schur and Holly Wiersma produced. A 2010 release is planned. That’s right. Ed Norton & Bobby DeNiro are back together again (“The Score”) and they added a little eye candy (Milla’s MUCH hotter than Marlon Brando). Should be a good one.

Malkovich Update – Picking up a few career advice tips from his “Jonah Hex” costar, the lovely Megan Fox, it seems that the great American actor John Malkovich has learned to make some serious dough by doing comic book adaptation movies. Enough of this making award winning films like “The Great Buck Howard” or being able to say the F-Word dozens of times in a Coen Brothers flick, the real money’s in the ComicCon crowd. That’s why he’s allegedly interested in signing on to do not one…but TWO such movies. First, we’ll go with the one that he’s signed on to do. John Malkovich has replaced John C. Reilly on Robert Schwentke's comic book adaptation "Red" for Summit Entertainment reports Variety. The story follows a former black-ops CIA agent Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) who is now living a quiet life. That is, until the day a hi-tech assassin shows up intent on killing him. With his secret identity compromised and his love interest in danger, Frank must reassemble his old team to figure out who is out to get them. Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, Mary-Louise Parker, Julian McMahon, Ernest Borgnine (yes, still alive), Richard Dreyfuss, Brian Cox and James Remar also star. Filming kicks off in Toronto and Louisiana this month for a release in the Fall. Sounds okay? Yeah, give or take. I’m weary of a movie were the average cast age is well over 50 years though. Now for somewhat more exciting news to most…and that’s that the rumor is…that the Malkovich may be in talks to play the Vulture if/when “Spiderman 4” ever comes to fruition. That is all. Apparently it’s speculation & inquiry, nothing solid…and I consider myself a respected news source…like Fox News…and Wikipedia.

Subway Sexy - Hundreds of New Yorkers have been riding the city's subway trains in their underwear. They stripped down to their undies on Sunday for the ninth annual No Pants Subway Ride. The idea is to act like nothing unusual is going on (and keep from getting frostbite). Participants met up at six locations throughout the city. They formed groups and dispersed to subway stations to catch trains. Once inside the subway cars, they began calmly removing their pants and folding them up. Most people read magazines or chatted with their companions like any other straphanger. The event started in 2002 with just seven people. It has spread to other cities. The stunt is organized by Improv Everywhere, a group that says its mission is to cause "scenes of chaos and joy in public places." Honestly though, I don’t think the potential of this thing is being realized. Everywhere I go, I hear about recycle this and save the Earth that. You know what, give me some incentive. Why should I be inconvenienced so that somebody else’s kids can enjoy the world after I’m gone? If you want me to use public transportation, give me girls in their underwear. Think about it. I’ve often wondered why there were so many poles on buses and subway cars. It just seems like wasted metal (covered in the mucous & other bodily fluids of the homeless). Polish up those poles and give daddy a dance. If not for me…then for your planet. Gentlemen, they may need some funding. Please have exact change ready. Not enough for ya? You want more change for the planet? Maybe a little something a little more specific to you? Alright…because I love the ladies, how about this?

Going Green & Feeling Fine - When world leaders in Copenhagen argue for days in knife-edge talks to save the planet, what more fitting way to relieve the tension than an environmentally-friendly vibrator? The global sex toy industry is worth an annual $15 billion (22 billion euros), and uses up a mountain of batteries in the process, many of which end up as toxic waste. But now one Irish company reckons they've got the solution to shake up the market: a vibrator they are calling the world's first-ever "green technology sex toy". The Earth Angel (ah, Back to the Future reference) described as "eight inches (20 centimeters) with a sleek white finish", is a wind-up vibrator which comes with a handle built into the bottom. "You just flip out the handle, grab a hold of it there, and you just wind it," said Janice O'Connor, the co-founder with her husband Chris, of Caden Enterprises which makes the gadget. "So for four minutes of doing that, you should generate enough power to give you 30 minutes of full-on, right-to-the top vibrations," she told AFP. She added: "I've only used it a couple of times, and it's fantastic. It's very intense, and sometimes, at the top level, depending on the person that's using it, it can actually be too intense sometimes. That's why we have four different levels on it." The vibrator is made of 100 percent recyclable materials and the couple hope that it will encourage sex toy fans around the globe to do their bit for the environment (tehehe, “do their bit”). "We want to change the way that people view adult toys and the adult industry as a whole. We wanted to produce an environmentally-friendly sex toy that appealed to all consumers. Every industry has an obligation to do as much as they can to reduce the effects of climate change and by developing this new technology we hope that others will follow suit and look for alternative ways to design and manufacture their products." Chris O'Connor is the brains behind the power-storing technology that he said could be applied to any small power device, such as electric toothbrushes. He said climate change had been his primary motivation rather than sexy fun (but it doesn’t hurt the motivation). "When I was a child we'd have months of good weather. Now that's totally changed, 100 percent changed, in this country. And that's why I decided I'd try to make a change for the better, for the planet." Public morality in Ireland is still traditionally Catholic, so producing the green vibrator there was out of the question (it is manufactured by a British-based company) while financing it proved an obstacle course. But the O'Connors, both practicing Catholics, believe God is on their side. "In all fairness, wouldn't God want something that's green and that doesn't do any damage to the environment?" asked Chris. An Earth Angel costs 70 euros ($100) plus shipping costs and around 1,000 have already been sold to people seeking its special brand of "sustainable pleasure". So there you go. You’re welcome, ladies. Now for the BIG news of the day…

Vegas Sexbot Update – It has finally happened. After years of following trends (and sharing some of my own theories) in the Sexbot Industry, it has finally hit the world’s grandest stage – the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. I KNEW I should’ve gone this year. This was going to be the year. But noooo, I had to go home for Christmas. Anyway, a New Jersey company says it has developed "the world's first sex robot," a life-size rubber doll that's designed to engage the owner with conversation rather than lifelike movement (yeah, that’s great). At a demonstration at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas on Saturday, the dark-haired, negligee-clad robot said "I love holding hands with you" when it sensed that its creator touched its hand. Another action, this one unprintable, elicited a different vocal response from Roxxxy the robot (Yes, that’s her name). The level of sophistication demonstrated was not beyond that of a child's talking toy, but Roxxxy has a lot more brains than that (allegedly). There's a laptop connected to cables coming out of her back. It has touch sensors at strategic locations and can sense when it's being moved…but it can't move on its own, not even to turn its head or move its lips. The sound comes out of an internal loudspeaker. Douglas Hines, founder of Lincoln Park, N.J.-based True Companion LLC, said Roxxxy can carry on simple conversations. The real aim, he said, is to make the doll someone the owner can talk to and relate to. "Sex only goes so far — then you want to be able to talk to the person," Hines said. The phrases that were demonstrated were prerecorded, but the robot will also be able to synthesize phrases out of prerecorded words and sounds. The laptop will receive updates over the Internet to expand the robot's capabilities and vocabulary. Since Hines is a soccer fan, it can already discuss Manchester United, he said. It snores, too. Funny, so would I after talking about soccer for five minutes. Owners will also be able to select different personalities for Roxxxy, from "Wild Wendy" to "Frigid Farrah," Hines said. He's charging somewhere from $7,000 to $9,000 for the robot, including the laptop, and expects to start shipping in a few months. A Japanese company, Honey Dolls, makes life-size sex dolls that can play recorded sounds, but Roxxxy's sensors and speech capabilities appear to be more sophisticated. Hines' goals are certainly more far-reaching. An engineer, Hines said he was inspired to create the robot after a friend died in the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks (WWWWHAT?). That got him thinking about preserving his friend's personality, to give his children a chance to interact with him as they're growing up. Looking around for commercial applications for artificial personalities, he initially thought he might create a home health care aide for the elderly. "But there was tremendous regulatory and bureaucratic paperwork to get through. We were stuck. So I looked at other markets." Hmm, a market without a lot of regulation & paperwork but still offers BILLIONS of dollars in capital. Good choice. The broader goal of the company is still to take artificial personalities into the mainstream, beyond sex toys, Hines said. "The sex robot thing is marketing — it's really about making a companion," he said. Yeah, the sexbot thing is just marketing…because sex sells. It’s really about making a companion…out of a toaster. In a 2007 book, "Love and Sex with Robots," British chess player and artificial intelligence expert David Levy argues that robots will become significant sexual partners for humans, answering needs that other people are unable or unwilling to satisfy. Isn’t that a little sad to anybody else? No? Oh okay then. Behold the official dawning of the Age of the Sexbot!!! And to think...it all started with a national tragedy...allegedly.

What could possibly be sexier than any of what I’ve told you over the last few paragraphs? Well, tune in tomorrow & we’ll see if I can top it. In the meantime, have a great night everybody!!!

The Legend of Sierra Cement

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

A beautiful blizzard blasted the area…but only for about the twenty minute drive to work this morning. I mean it dropped about 3-5 inches in that time with gale force winds...and then as I stopped into my office, the snow stopped, the wind died down, the sky cleared up for a bit...and then it kind of rained off & on throughout the day. Not bad. It could've been a lot worse...and I would be dreading the 6 AM hour tomorrow when I would be shoveling snow off my Jeep. No, not brushing snow off, shoveling. By the way, the first big snow storm here about a month ago was the light powdery stuff that I was used to in Utah. Not too bad when there’s a few feet of that. However, this is the wonderful wet mixture of snow that the locals affectionately call “Sierra Cement” and I kid you not, having worked with cement in the past, the consistency is very similar. Even a few inches will really work out those shoveling muscles…which is a good thing. By the way, I’ve started going to a new recreation center about two miles from my apartment to get back into shape (since it’s been about 9 months since I’ve done physical activity that didn’t involve lifting of furniture or running around like a decapitated chicken). It’s a beautiful facility…but obviously kid oriented. They have special times where you can use the basketball court (usually during nap time) but they also have a track & some weight machines…and it’s only $20 a month, which isn’t that bad. So yeah, your boy $teve’s gonna get ripped like Jesus again…ladies…

Other than that, really not a whole lot to say…so I thought I’d catch you up on the past month of movie watching that I’ve done with fairly brief blurbs about most of them. So just sit back, relax, probably want to do a couple stretches to get comfortable, because it’s gonna be a lot to take in…but you may just learn a little something. (Not the first time I’ve said that…)

Notorious (1946) – NOT to be confused with the Biggie Smalls biopic last year. This is the spy classic directed by Alfred Hitchcock about a government agent (Cary Grant) who recruits an American beauty (the captivating Ingrid Bergman) to spy on her deceased father’s influential Nazi friends in Rio de Janeiro. Of course, the agent & the beauty fall in love…but in order to bring down the Socialist movement, she must get “close” to one of the targets. Like really close. Like marriage. Will this put a strain on their relationship? Will they be able to do the mission? Will the Nazis find out that she’s a spy? Great flick. I highly recommend it.

Fear (1995) – I just watched this one last night for the first time…though I’ve loved the soundtrack for years (remember Bush’s “Sixteen Stone” was the first album that I bought). It’s the story of a 16-year old (Reese Witherspoon) who goes to a party with her friend (Alyssa Milano…rrrrrrrr) and meets a nice boy from the shady side of town (Marky Mark). They fall for one another, he giggidies her geschmougiddy and things are going good…until he decides to flip out and beat the crap out of one of her friends. Then she finds out that he’s a f**king psycho…and the movie goes from there. I actually really liked this movie…and I think it’s because you’ve seen this story a million times before on those sh*tty Lifetime movies and other flicks…but this one’s actually told in a kind of a slow subtle way…and then quickly turns to crazy…and Marky Mark does a good crazy. Check it out if you want.

Avatar (2009) – GO SEE THIS MOVIE IN 3D!!! Period. I don’t know how much I can stress that. According to box office numbers, you all already have…but if you haven’t, then do yourself a favor. Now, I’m going to be honest, the story is basically the same as “Dances with Wolves” and others where a military guy (Sam Worthington) goes into a strange new world full of “savage creatures” and learns their way of life, falls in love with one of them & conflict ensues. However, this is in a gorgeous and incredibly interesting world of neon plants & these ten-foot tall blue cat monkey natives & Sigourney Weaver’s in it. You can’t go wrong there. The entire movie is specifically made for 3D. Every single scene is an absolute treat for the eyes. Mister James Cameron, I would like to apologize for all the bad things that I said about “Titanic” over the years (probably before this blog because I think I shut it out of my mind around the turn of the millennium). Kudos, sir. Kudos. You are WELL on your way to winning a $tevie for Movie of the Year…but the year is young.

Public Enemies (2009) – Do you love “Heat”? Have you ever wondered what it would’ve been like if the movie were set during the Great Depression? And you replaced Al Pacino with Christian Bale? And Robert DeNiro with Johnny Depp? That would be this movie. Seriously. I’m trying to think of ways that it’s different…and it’s really just the wardrobe and the guns used (good ol’ Tommy guns). I’m not saying that it isn’t a great movie…because I love my “Heat” and really just about every Michael Mann movie out there (except “Miami Vice”). I’m just saying, you’ve seen it before…but this time with younger great actors.

Jennifer’s Body (2009) – “$teve, why didn’t you go see this in theatres?” Because I was busy that weekend…and it only lasted one weekend. As my loyal readers would know, I’ve been following this movie for a while. The story of a high school cheerleader (Megan Fox) who is possessed by a demon and devours young men (not metaphorically like other succubi, succubuses, whatever the plural would be) and her best friends (Amanda Seyfried) is the only one that can save the town, told through the quirky dialogue of Diablo Cody (“Juno”). Really though, there’s only one thing that stands out about this movie…and it’s my zipper. By which I say, Megan Fox is really hot…even at creepily inappropriate times it seems. The dialogue is actually quite horrible. The story is…well, it’s what you expect. All in all, looking back on it, there really is only one good thing about it. Scratch that, AMAZING thing about it. Still, give it a shot if you’d like. Probably an okay movie to watch with friends…and I loved the part where I was singing along with Adam Brody to Tommy Tutone’s greatest hit.

District 9 (2009) – Aliens travel millions of light years…and basically their ship breaks down on Earth…and they build a shanty town in Johannesburg, South Africa where they’re treated as second-class citizens. After about twenty years (yes, TWENTY years) the government decides that they’re going to move the shanty town away from the city to the middle of BFE…or I guess BFSA since they aren’t in Egypt. The eviction manager get some black liquid on him and starts to mutate into one of the aliens…so he’s on the run, befriends the one alien who can fly the ship…but only if he gets more of that black liquid and it goes from there. I honestly didn’t care for this movie at all. It seemed…like an incredibly obvious and specific allegory to Apartheid…that then wanted to throw in space travel & aliens somehow to make it interesting. That’s kind of like taking the Diary of Anne Frank…and throwing in vampires. Hmm… It’s okay. I wrote that one down. Patent pending!!!

Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) – So the first couple of weeks I was here in Truckee, I decided to see a bunch of slasher classics because…I hadn’t seen them. I told you about how the original “Friday the 13th” is about 13 times better than the sh*tty remake that made last year. So before they remake “Elm Street”, I wanted to check out the original. Teenagers are dying in their sleep…and not like mixing prescriptions…but like slashed by a ghost or something…and nobody knows why. So what to do? Just don’t go to sleep. Well, that’s all well and good for about a week. Then what? This is actually a pretty good slasher film from Wes Craven, who makes some pretty good ones (more on that later). Oh yeah…and Johnny Depp gets killed in this one. Check it out.

The Prowler (1981) – Don’t pay attention to the back-story on this one. You’ll just have too many questions. Basically, I’m gonna spill it out like this. There’s a college graduation dance full of sexually active coeds who know how to party…and some guy (or gal…dun duh duuuuuh…) is killing them. Why? That’s the question. How do they stop them? The police keep dropping like flies too. Anyway, it’s a quintessential slasher film starring…ugh, I think John Saxon was in it. You know, the American guy from “Enter the Dragon”? The real star of the movie though is legendary gory special effects master Tom Savini and his work on this film. Definitely worth a rent on Netflix if you’ve got the chance.

Scream Trilogy (1996-2000) – Classics, all of them, though progressively worse as with most trilogies that aren’t originally built as trilogies. It also amazed me how many notable actors starred in these movies in rather small parts at the time. Seriously. If you haven’t seen these movies, I’m not even going to go over the story, just watch them. It’s basically a slasher movie parodying slasher movies…but still a great slasher movie. I love these flicks…and Neve Campbell still does it for me.

Drag Me to Hell (2009) – Quite possibly the most appropriate title for this movie as I’m sure that many people felt this way after paying $10 to see it in theatres after their friend talked them into seeing it. I don’t even want to talk about it. Sam Raimi, I’m sorry but you should stick to f**king Spiderman movies & Bruce Campbell flicks.

World’s Greatest Dad (2009) – I think Robin Williams is a legendary comedian and an incredibly underrated actor. So when I see he’s doing an independent comedy directed by Bob(cat) Goldthwait (remember him?) then you bet your ass I’m going to watch it. It’s the story of a poetry teacher / frustrated writer / single father (Williams) who is just trying to raise his teenage son, who’s basically a prick. Well, the son dies in a freak accident (autoerotic asphicsiation gone wrong) and to save the family embarrassment, the dad ghostwrites a suicide note. However, the note gets spread throughout the school…and the father sees it as a way to resurrect his writing career. It sounds horrible I know (then again, if you break down the premise of just about every Disney movie, you can make anything sound bad) and that’s why it’s an independent film…but hey, if you’re into indie movies, check it out. You’ll get a few laughs…and maybe a tear or two.

The Girlfriend Experience (2009) – I have no idea what the f**k fellow $teve, director Steven Soderbergh (“Ocean’s 11” movies), was thinking when he decided to do this flick. Granted, it was shot in two weeks on a budget of less than $2 million and the star is porn superstar Sasha Grey but still…come on. Basically it’s like they wrote this story of a high priced call girl and her trainer boyfriend…dropped the script when somebody bumped into them in the hall…and he said, “F**k it, we don’t have time to put them in order, let’s just shoot it all in the order you pick them up. What’s the first scene?” There’s really no point to this movie. Oh, the life of a call girl is complex? Dangerous? Hard on your personal relationships? No sh*t!!! Get a pimp, b**ch. Let us do what we do. Sorry, I ugh…I mean yeah, it is. It’s not for the squares. Anyway, didn’t care for this movie. That’s right, I got to look at a sexy porn star for 80 minutes…and I STILL didn’t care for it. Maybe it’s modern art or something, because I just didn’t get it.

Zombie Strippers (2008) – On the same note, how could a movie TITLED “Zombie Strippers” (two good things) and starring Jenna Jameson & Freddy Kruger, set in a Nebraska gentlemen’s club not be incredibly awesome? Well, it was what you’d expect…and so much worse.

Anyway, hate to end it on a couple sour notes with the movie reviews…but hey, that’s how it works out. I’m here to help. On that note, join me tomorrow when I have a bunch more news ready to share with you…and as always, I like to mix sexy into every soup I make for you. What’s on tap? Mmm, how about my baby mama Milla & Malkovich eating pie on the subway while looking for “artificial stimulation”? Oh yeah. It’s that good…but don’t worry, I’ll make it last. Have a great day everybody…especially the ladies.