Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Red Sox Still Suck

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, now that I’ve caught you up on some of my shenanigans over the past few weeks… how about some movie reviews? Good? Alright then…

First up was a documentary about arm wrestling called “Pulling John” starring the legendary arm wrestler & fellow Utahn John Brzenk. Basically it follows how arm wrestling started, then there were the world championships… and then this kid from Utah basically dominated the sport for the next 30 years. Like… no comparison. MJ only dominated for about a decade. Jesse Owens the same… but John was holding it down for three solid decades. However… now he’s in his fifties… and there are guys in their twenties looking to take his crown… and frankly, the Russian guy in this movie looks like he could lift a f**king bus. Check it out… I found it VERY interesting. So interesting… I’m probably going to watch “Over the Top” again… and I’ve already seen it more times than any man should.


So when my family was visiting… we were talking about movies when we were driving about town… and I made a joke about getting points for running over people in my way… oh yeah, I do it all the time… but only rarely act. Anyway, my mom mentioned this movie she remembered from when she was in high school that was “sooooo stupid” that she had to share it with me. Basically it was a race across America… where the drivers got points for running over people along the way… and I thought “Wow, that does sound really stupid. How have I not heard of this movie before?” Well, Dizzy searched the interwebs… and behold, it was the original “Death Race 2000” starring David Carradine (of “Kung Fu” & dying of autoerotic asphicsiation in Thailand fame) and a young actor by the name of Sylvester Stallone. Yes, the movie was later remade starring Jason Statham and had criminals racing for freedom instead of “big shot athletes” racing for fame & money. Sigh… the 70’s version was a political commentary, possibly ahead of its time… but done so awfully that it’s worth a watch just to laugh at it. I mean… Stallone was the supporting actor… and the story was… well, I’ve told it… and it’s… it’s just awful… like a racecar mowing down a bunch of hospice workers… which is one of the scenes. So glad my mom recommended it…


Her next suggestion was… wait for it… “Nude Nuns with Big Guns” which I’m not even joking about. Okay, it was my 16-year old cousin Alicia that picked it… but yeah… the story is about nuns who take their vows… and then basically become Mexican drug mules by the clergy & cartels. Well, one of them fights back… and the movie is kind of like somebody trying to do their best Quentin Tarantino – Robert Rodriguez impression… but it’s pretty bad. Some gratuitous nudity if you’re looking for some on Netflix, kiddies. I wouldn’t recommend it… but yeah, just had to mention it because my mom & cousin suggested it. Good call, ladies. We later watched “Addams Family Values” to try & cleanse our heads of the filth.


Next is “Hitchcock” starring Sir Anthony Hopkins, Dame Helen Mirren, Scarlett Johannsen, Jessica Biel & many others. The story is about the legendary director Alfred Hitchcock (Hopkins & quite convincingly) and how in the late 50’s he grew tired of making thrillers… and instead wanted to make something FAR more unsettling… so then this book “Psycho” came out… and he found his inspiration. With the help of his wife Alma (Mirren) he set out to get it made… but none of the studios would touch it… so then he financed it himself… but would it be the end of Hitchcock’s legend… or at least fortune? Hopefully you know how it ends… but still, give it a gander. Fun fact: I had no idea that “Vertigo” flopped at the theatres. It’s one of my favorite movies at all time but it was referenced in this movie like it was “Pearl Harbor” or something…


Next is “Life of Pi” which is director Ang Lee (“Brokeback Mountain” & “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”) adapting a story about an Indian child’s journey to Canada with his family… but then, things go wrong… and it becomes a tale of survival. I recommend it. I was under the impression that it was a children’s tale brought to live action… but then I thought, why would it be nominated for Best Picture? It’s pretty hard hitting… and beautifully shot. I’m about to forgive Ang Lee for “Hulk” after watching this movie… but not quite there. Check it out.


Last up is “Dracula 3000” which was on Netflix… and I’ll admit, the only reason I watched it was because it stars Casper Van Diem (“Starship Troopers”), Erika Eleniak (Allie May in “Beverly Hillbillies”) and rapper Coolio… and I was curious what they have been up to the past 15 years or so. I should’ve known it was going to be pretty bad when there was a “special appearance by Udo Kier” who you may know from every Uwe Boll movie ever made as well as other bad cinema. However, I watched it. Basically, it’s the story of a rogue spaceship in the year 3000 answering a distress call from a larger spaceship, The Demeter. Okay, right there, I should just sum it up… basically it’s the story of Bram Stoker’s Dracula set on a spaceship like “Alien” only on a budget of a few grand. Seriously, their space helmets were obvious snorkeling equipment. Like… the neon blue & yellow trimmed ones that you get from Wal-Mart. Anyway, I started to fast forward through it… and yeah, it’s just horrible. I’d like to say it was an interesting concept… but it really isn’t even that. It’s about as interesting as “Jason X” was on a concept level… and just about as well done. Sorry guys… glad to see you were all still getting work though.
Last night, Dizzy, her cousin & I went to see the San Antonio Spurs (going for ring number five) play in Oakland against the Golden State Warriors, who will be in the playoffs for the 2nd time in 19 years. The game was actually really good... and not just because it was the Warriors starters against the Spurs bench the whole time (resting for playoffs) but Stephen Curry lit it up. It was good & close until the last 4-5 minutes when the Warriors put it away. Good for them & a good time for all.
Anyway, that'll do it for tonight. Busy week or so still to go... so get out there & get busy yourself... but don't forget to stop by. Have a great week everybody!!!

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