As promised yesterday, here’s a quick story about the dream that I had Wednesday night… enjoy…
So it starts out with a newsflash about the escalation of crime in the city, showing some bad footage of bank vault rubble, outlined silhouettes of chalk, interviews with the police commissioner, etc. and then the reporter is talking to Batman. Yes… BATMAN!!! He’s different though, obviously making daytime news interviews. “The mysterious Bat-Man now joins me, Mr. Bat-Man, who is behind this string of robberies and violent attacks?” (bad Christian Bale intimidation voice) “Well Gina, it appears that we have a new supervillain in town… and he goes by the name of… Wolf-Man. I’ve been working with the police department tirelessly to find out who this vigilante is & bring him to justice.” Then it goes to a little back-story, “Yes, it has been a few years of relative peace here in Gotham, thanks to the works of the Bat-Man. Over the years, with the imprisonment and controversial deaths of previous ‘supervillains’, there has only been a few isolated incidences… until the last year when bank robberies, murders, drug trafficking, explosions, all reached nearly epic proportions with no suspect… that is until this footage was discovered of the Bat-Man fighting the newly named Wolf-Man at the scene of a robbery attempt at a chemical goods warehouse last week. If you have any information regarding the true identity of the Wolf-Man, please contact…” “IT’S ALL BULLSH*T!!!”
Cuts to me sitting at a deli, having a sandwich with none other than Bubbles (yeah, calm down just a second, she’s made appearances in my dreams before, don’t be surprised). “Quiet down, $teve! What do you mean it’s bullsh*t?” “Sorry… (whispering now) but Batman’s playing the whole city for fools. He’s the one that’s behind all the crime the past year… and he’s making a f**king killing off it too… and because he weeded out all the competition behind his truth, justice & the American way stuff, he turn a blind eye to him as a suspect.” “What? Batman? Maybe we should cut the mimosas for today…” “Look, I’m… I can’t tell you why or how I know what I know… but please, just believe me. Have I ever lied to you before? Ever? About anything?” “Well… when you do, it’s always to make me feeling better… and you’re HORRIBLE at it so I can tell… but yeah, you’re not lying now. Why would he do it though?” “Because he could. Spoiled rich orphan with the only parental figure is an elderly butler who bends to his every whim, limitless resources, evil mean streak fueled by vengeance, physical prowess, political stature where he can be involved in every level of society, sure he may have started a few years back with the purest of intentions… wanting to avenge his parents death, which I’d like to mention, to this day has not been solved with any suspects, not saying he did it… but I keep an open mind.” “Wait, what are you talking about? Nobody knows who Batman is...” “Please… he’s Bruce f**king Wayne, the paper trail is there, I looked into it… and it’s fairly obvious. Who else can have vehicles like that that isn't military? There's only a few bazillionaires out there. Look, even if that were the case, pure intentions of cleaning the streets, after a while, maybe the anger & vengeance started to take over… or was satisfied and then his intentions turned into greed… or even pride… maybe he realized that he was better than all of these guys that he was putting away. Maybe he saw an easy way to get even richer, by eliminating the competition, and using them as scapegoats for his crimes. See? I first thought of it about four years back… remember when the Riddler was arrested?” “Yeah…”
Cut back to footage of the Riddler (Jim Carrey version) being arrested in handcuffs in the green leotards with question marks on them, and as he’s being carried out to the police van, he’s screaming “I GAVE UP MY LIFE OF CRIME!!! I’M A BUSINESS MAN!!! BATMAN SET ME UP!!! IT’S NOT A (bleep) RIDDLE, JUST SEE WHO STANDS TO GAIN FROM MY DISAPPEARANCE!!!” Reporter: “Convicted felon and billionaire software mogul Edward Nygma a.k.a. the Riddler was arrested today under suspicion of returning to his life of crime that he was acquitted of several years ago, when footage showed a man in the outfit fitting his description robbing the Gotham First Bank (grainy surveillance camera footage).” Back to my voice, “I was curious with how quickly he was convicted after that, declared dangerously insane, and sentenced to serve out his term in solitary confinement at Arkham Asylum, and it got me thinking about it… so I requested to speak with him…” Flash to me walking down a hallway ala Silence of the Lambs… with the Riddler (Frank Gorshin now) doing an uncanny Hannibal Lechter, “Good evening, $teven. How are we this evening?” “Dr. Nygma, thank you for your time. I just wanted to talk with you if I may, about the comments you made while you were being arrested.” “My young lad, don’t you know that I’ve been certified as insane? Anything I say is not to be taken into account by anybody, no matter how based in logic & fact. Besides (he motions me to come closer and whispers) bats may be blind… but they have ears everywhere.” “I see.” “So riddle me this…” “No, please… Doctor, I’m a simple man. Please no riddles. I’m trying to help you clean your good name.” “Good sir, my name is far too soiled for even the kindest of hearts to wash my sins away. I truly was an evil man obsessed with… the mere idea of showing that I was smarter than everybody out there… and could get away with anything, no matter who I hurt along the way. Then… the Bat came along… and I saw the err of my ways. So I focused on my company… and we made BILLIONS!!! I was the toast of the town… but I was cutting into Bruce’s… oops… I meant the Bat’s business. I’m sorry, did I give that away?” “Oh no, I’ve known that Bruce Wayne is Batman for a while now. I’m surprised it’s not common knowledge honestly.” “Oh… well, anyway, he was no longer the prodigal son of Gotham. Even after the ‘mysterious’ deaths of the other villains in this very same prison… or them just moving on to other cities… even though he was the only player left in the crime world, I was still beating the Bat in the business world… and he wasn’t about to lose that game… and so he framed me, using my past and his resources for swift brutal ‘justice’ and I’ve been here ever since. You are the first person to see me since my trial that wasn’t ordered by the court system… and even then, only twice. I’m completely shut off from the society that I can only assume he still is a major figure. Good riddance to the sheeple”
“Doctor, I guess my question now is… what do we do? How do we stop him?” “Heroes have little place in this world… and much more to lose. Not just your money, your possessions, your LIFE… but your conscience, your values, your very soul (sniff through the holes in the Plexiglas) and the people that you love. I can smell it on you. He will use her against you, you know. As well as everybody else. I only tell you this because I can sense you’re a good man and people love you in return. I have nobody… nothing… but because I warned you of this, he may take the only thing that I have left. I can only assume since you’ve made it this far that he doesn’t see you as a threat. Just a young man with a curiosity. If people never learn of his misdeeds, then I fear of a future where he has the public completely fooled… and everybody will be bending to his whim, not just under brute strength & political power, but worse yet… they will believe him & the image that he stands for. Good people will be doing unspeakable evils… and not even knowing it. As you know, it wouldn’t be the first time something like that has happened. I warn you though… he is an abominable foe. He’s absolutely brilliant, infinitely resourceful, well-connected, charismatic, devious, almost superhuman in every way… but he is not perfect. Sure, he prides himself on witling away any weakness… but he is not a God. At least… not yet perhaps. Go! I’ve already said too much. Please just consider this the rambling of a lunatic. GUARDS!!! Take this moron from my sight. Come back when you’re a broad and want a conjugal visit!”
Back to Bubbles & I at the deli, “He said that?” “Yeah, I thought it was hilarious once I got out to the parking lot… but at the time, I was really creeped out.” “But $teve, don’t you think that somebody else would’ve found out about this if that were the case? You know… the police… the news…” Banging on the table, “F**k the police and F**K THE MEDIA!!! (Look around the deli) Sorry everybody! (back to whispering to her) See, even the good cops are all about protecting justice & safety… and that’s what the Bat-Man stands for. They’re not going to turn on him. He owns the media… and it’s all about public perception anyway… and nobody’s going to go against him now that they have this Wolf-Man scapegoat that he can blame everything on. I’ll bet you that this Wolf-Dude or whatever is just some guy who was trying to get some evidence against him… or catch the Bat-Man redhanded… and then accidentally bumped a light while hanging in the rafters of a ‘chemical warehouse’ where a drug deal was going down and then quickly found himself dodging bullets from drug lords before getting his ass kicked by a spoiled douche in a robotic soldier suit. It could happen to anybody.” “That reminds me, how are your ribs? What did you say it was? A bike accident?” “YEAH! Yeah, I wanted to see the… coastline and… you know, I’ve been trying to stay fit the past few years so… yeah, then that car hit me.” She touches them and I wince at the touch, “Oh sorry, they must still be pretty tender.” She brushes her fingers through my hair and… that always has a positive effect on my whole body. “You’ve got to be more careful out there… and get more sleep. No more late nights out doing your gigolo thing or whatever. I worry about you. What the… is that a bullet hole?” “No, I think that was from… the pedal. Yeah. Sigh… okay, I’ll try… but you know you’re the only girl for me… all these other girls are just for the dough.” “You’re so full of it. I like that I can tell when you’re lying though. You may not want to tell me about how you really hurt yourself… but I love it when you talk about me, because it’s always true. Anyway, okay, I’ve gotta get back to work.” Hug, “Have a great day!” “You too. Call me tonight, alright?” “Always. (to myself) I’d better get a nap in before work too.”
Then all of a sudden, I’m standing on the roof of a twenty-story building in probably the most ridiculous superhero outfit EVER. I’m talking a cap that’s like a plush wolf that’s tore up and has like blood stains or something on it on the head and over the ears, Kato mask, knee & elbow pads, black long sleeve shirt with pads or something under it, grappling hook, some kind of Craftsman utility belt, and my super high tech equipment… are some power tools, a Billy club, tasers, a few knives, a pistol (because I ain’t Batman) and of course… a few grenades… just in case sh*t gets real. And please don’t ask me why I’m dressed like a wolf… because I honestly have no idea… but I assume it was thought out ahead of time as a way to both intimidate… and use as a possible insanity plea at a trial if I were to be arrested. Oh… and of course the key feature of my array of weaponry, my cell phone, which I’m apparently using trying to find where my destination is. “F**king GPS, I’m not on Lincoln, I’m on a rooftop over MLK. That’s it, I’m using Mapquest. Oh good, that’s it right over there.” By the way, I don’t know if you picked up on this a while back… but apparently… I am Wolf-Man. I know, not exactly a huge secret or anything… but that’s why the hesitation and the lying to Bubbles and all that… just in case you were a little lost, there you have it. Also, try to forget the whole metaphor about rich people using fear, manipulation & scapegoats to get people to do ridiculous things and all that… it’s just a dream, not a political statement.
Anyway, moments later (don’t ask me how), I’m hiding on a rooftop across the street from a diamond storage facility. Apparently I’m staking it out… keeping an eye on activity in the area… and then the phone vibrates (cuz I’m a stealthy ninja in wolf’s clothing). “Not now.” It’s Bubbles. I send her a text saying I’m at work, she needs a ride home from the bar and wants her white knight (not Dark Knight), so I give her the number for a cabbie, all via text, so I’m not paying attention for a few moments. I look back to the diamond place, something isn’t right, then I’m picked up by the back of my neck and raised into the air. I hear that horrible Christian Bale voice, now digitized like it’s in auto-tune, behind me, “I never understood texting. Far more distracting than just talking on the cell phone. Nice to meet you again. How are the ribs?” He kidney punches me and the pads do very little in regards to protection. “Still a little tender I see.” He twists me around and now I’m looking at what I can only describe as… picture Batman & Predator’s bastard robot offspring. Like a Predator helmet with red eyes & the Batman ears, black titanium anatomically correct robo-suit, yeah… pretty intimidating and just holding me by the neck with one hand. My right hand’s reaching for my gat, but the holster’s empty. “Don’t worry, that already went over the edge. We weren’t properly introduced the last time we met and you startled my business partners. I’m Batman… and I run this city. And you are?” “The guy who’s going to put you away forever.” “Good luck with that. This is going to sting a little.” There’s a quick pinch in my neck like a needle through his hand. “Hmm… $teven Love… it’s funny how much you can figure out by a quick blood sample when you have the right technology. Let’s see, college graduate, one brother, stepsisters, FOUR parents… aaaaaw… I’m jealous… brings a tear to my eye. A few speeding tickets, blah blah blah… ooh… what’s this? Just became a suspect in the murder of two police officers? Transferred his life savings to the Wayne Orphanage? That’s very noble of you, $teve. Too bad the kids won’t see a nickel of it. Wasn’t that much anyway though.” I can barely breathe but that doesn’t mean I can’t retort, “That’s okay. Money isn’t everything. Besides… I owe you for the damages.” “What damages? You barely winded me the last time we fought.” “Yeah, well, this can’t be good for your suit…” I jam a taser into a gap in the armor in his neck, pull the trigger, sparks fly, he drops me, I gasp for air, as he stumbles I grab a large knife and stab him in the right armpit but it doesn’t go in too far, there’s still some blood though. So I take it out… and basically run like a b**ch swinging down the alley way with my grappling hook… but I left him a little something too. BOOM!!! A grenade goes off on the rooftop where I just was. I get about a block away and look back, can’t really make much out other than there’s a lot of smoke… and then I see a shadowy figure step out of it. “Sheeeeeiiiiiiiiiit…” and I’m off like a prom dress. Not sure exactly how (it was a dream) but I’m kinda glide swinging above the street like Spiderman or something with a pair of grappling hooks.
I look behind me… and of course Robo-Bat can apparently fly with a jet pack or something, though obviously damaged because he’s all over the place. His mask is off though, which I guess is a start. He’s catching up fast. I’m trying to think of what I’m going to do when he gets close… and nothing’s coming to mind. I mean… the grenade didn’t do much, right? Okay, head is exposed, that’s going to be the focus, oh sh*t!!! He just caught up and slammed into me. I squirm about a bit and he’s flying on his back with me on top as I try to punch him with the grappling hook in my hand. He’s blocking with his forearm. We struggle for a bit… and then I realize the streets getting close, so I try to jump away but he’s got a hold of my shirt or something. SLAM!!! He hit into a cab driving down the road, taking the roof off, he keeps flying down the road a bit and I fall into the back seat of the recent drop-top. There’s screaming and the cab is swerving and horns are blaring. “AGH!!! F**K!!! These pads do nothing (holding my ribs)…” “$teve?” What the hell? I glance over… and there’s Bubbles in the back seat. “How are you… look, ma’am… please remain calm and stay down.” “You’re the Wolf-Man?” “There’s a perfectly good explanation for all of this at the appropriate time… but I’ve gotta get out of here. Don’t call me, I’ll call…” THUNK!!! Robo-Bat lands on the trunk, wraps both arms around me, and then we fly off upwards (apparently I didn’t hurt his arm enough to render it useless). As we fly off I hear a scream from the cab, “$TEEEVE!!!”
I hear him laughing as we fly off, “Sounds like somebody recognized you… don’t worry, I’ll deal with her after I’m finished with you.” I’m trying to get an arm loose or something but he’s really crushing on the ribs at this point… and we’re halfway to the moon from what I can tell. “Gorgeous girl… too bad she hangs out with the wrong crowd.” I’m trying to tell him to stay the f**k away from her… but I can’t really breathe (pillow maybe). I’m searching my pockets for anything that I could use… and then I find it… a grenade. Okay, one thing’s in my favor, just don’t drop it. I’m trying to say something, “Pl… plee… please…” “What’s that? Are you begging already?” He loosens his grip a bit. “Please… please shut the f**k up!” I reach my arm up throw the grenade down his collar, poke him in the eyes, and he let’s go of me as he’s trying to reach down into his suit to get the grenade… and now I’m free falling. BOOM!!! Okay, at least he’s gone now… but I’m looking down at a city a few miles below me and approaching fast. Why didn’t I pack a parachute? Oh yeah… I needed space for the baseball bat & didn’t think I was going to be at a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. Well… needless to say… the dream ends about half way through the free fall… ta-da!!!