Chinatown to Chinatown

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Pretty standard week thus far… Dizzy’s aunt has a retirement party this weekend… but aside from that, just getting excited for our trip to Utah next week. Free agency has been crazy in the NBA. The Warriors somehow convinced the Jazz to take on some dead weight contracts so they could get Andre Iguodala, which makes them a BEAST if they stay healthy. Aside from them & the Brooklyn Nets, everybody else seems to either be content with what they have or bailing on this year in hopes that they can get a good draft pick and/or free agents next summer. Management can’t really say it… but basically about three-quarters of the NBA seems to mark this year up as a loss, presuming that the Heat will dominate or something & they’re gearing for the next few years. Is it wrong? To tank in the present so that you can compete for the next few years (allegedly)? Eh… whatever, they’ll get their money because people will still pay… and that’s what really matters, right?

 

NBA 2K13 Update: No tanking for the Milwaukee Bucks in the 2013-2014 season in my virtual reality. We swept through the Celtics & 76ers. Now facing the Heat in the conference finals, then probably (barring the computer doing what it likes to do & making my team do random stupid things & the other team do amazing impossible things) the winner of the Lakers & Suns (GASP!!!) in the NBA Finals. My money’s on the Lakers since… well, they like to match me up directly against the best small forwards & two-guards like Paul Pierce, LeBron James, Kevin Durant & Kobe Bryant on a regular basis. I’m quickly becoming a defensive powerhouse to match my marksmanship on the offensive end now that I’ve figured out part of their ridiculous system. Oh… and I just turned 21 on the game so… I may be a hot commodity on the free agent market soon.

 

Monday night, the new roommate… we’ll call her Temp (since she won’t be around long) watched the Roman Polanski-directed film “Chinatown” starring Jack Nicholson, Faye Dunaway & John Huston. This is a classic film noir movie in the same vein as the Bogart pictures from back in the day… you know, private detective, dame in distress, lies, double crosses, murder, corruption, all that jazz. The story basically starts when a private investigator (Nicholson) is hired to catch a cheating husband… only he later finds out that it wasn’t the real wife (Dunaway) that hired him… it was somebody else… and now to save his reputation & business… and maybe his pride, he wants to get to the bottom of why he was played a fool. Also, the husband that he was found dead after drowning during a major drought… so now, he’s caught in a tangled web of corruption, power, money, wealthy family drama, and all that other stuff. The movie was shot splendidly to match the feel of 1940’s Los Angeles even though it was made in the early 70’s… and appropriate storytelling for the genre. I’ve only seen a few Polanski flicks (“The Ninth Gate” & “Carnage” recently) but he seems to thrive on keeping the audience in a state of confusion & unsettlement so that they better personify with the main characters… even when the characters have less than desirable traits. It’s a great system & it seems to work for him… now if he could just stop diddling teenagers he might be considered among the elite filmmakers… but hey, we all have our vices I guess. The flick is great. I’d say check it out. It’s on Netflix. You’re welcome. Here’s the news…

 

SF to LA in half an hour? – That’s right… there coming up with a way to go from Chinatown to Chinatown more rapidly. Commuting is a way of life for most Bay Area residents. Many people traveling from the East Bay to downtown are accustomed to an hour commute each way without traffic. Some people even commute to Southern California several times a month, spending several hours each way either in the car or fighting through airports. What if there was an alternative to flights and car rides? If it was up to Tesla CEO Elon Musk and a Colorado company, an answer could come sooner than we think. That answer is called… the Hyperloop System Musk, the man behind both Tesla Motors and SpaceX, has spoken about a high-speed transportation system known as the Hyperloop, a tube transport system that would allow passengers to travel at high speeds. The proposed system could reduce trips between San Francisco and Los Angeles to minutes, and reaching the East Coast from California could take under an hour. Okay, calm down, let’s hear it out. Crazy as it seems, the company ET3, based out of Longmont, Colorado, has already been hard at work making this a reality, calling their project the Evacuated Tube Transport. Yes… I’m thinking about Futurama too… it’s perfectly natural… but still, let’s hear it out.

 

How Does It Work? The Hyperloop has been vaguely described by Musk as a "cross between a Concorde, a rail gun, and an air hockey table." Well f**k, I’m sold!!! A better description might be an elevated tube system with a magnetic levitation system similar to high-speed bullet trains. The kicker would be the enclosed tube, which would provide a nearly friction-less surface for individual capsules to travel in. ET3's Hyperloop-like project already has a number of schematics and plans already in place. They claim an automobile-sized, six-passenger capsule constructed for "outer space" travel conditions could easily reach speeds of 4,000 miles per hour on longer journeys across the country or across continents. In theory, this elevated tube system could be built for a tenth of the cost of high-speed rail and a quarter the cost of a freeway (numbers which I’m sure will change once reality sets in). The projected cost for a passenger to travel from Los Angeles to New York is $100. (WHAT??? ON A BUS??? What do you base those numbers on? I want that deal. It says $299 on Greyhound’s as I type this) The tubes could be connected to form a new superhighway across the United States. They could go underwater and connect to Alaska, Hawaii, and the rest of the world… and then the moon. Oh, NOW you think I’m crazy? Anybody remember the proposed “elevator to space”? ET3 has already built mock-ups and prototypes and is planning a 3-mile test run by the end of 2013.

 

Expanding on Older Ideas - Despite the ingenuity of the idea, it isn't actually that new. In 1972, a paper written by physicist R.M Salter described a tube system known as the Very High Speed Transit System (VHST) that could send people across the United States in under an hour. The system was composed of a series of underground tubes arranged in a network across the country. While several technical problems existed with the idea at the time (no sh*t), Salter also concluded, "The general principles are fairly straightforward: electromagnetically levitated and propelled cars in an evacuated tunnel." The one primary difference between Salter's plan and ET3's is that the VHST would need to be underground, with massive amounts of excavation required. If the Hyperloop or Evacuated Tube Transport was built and succeeded, it could make California's current high-speed rail project obsolete. With a budgeted cost of $70 billion, the high-speed system currently under development would take passengers from San Francisco to L.A. in three hours, potentially six times slower than the Hyperloop. So what do you think? Bullet train going 150 MPH or riding one of those bank tubes at roughly five times the speed of sound? No coin rolls please. Yes, in theory, it’s a great idea… and I look forward to the results of their tests… but yeah, it’s up there with Hoverboards, Teleporters, Dilithium crystal-powered warp drives, Metachlorians, Hypersleep chambers, Unobtainium, Flying Cars, Death Rays, Death Stars, Weather Dominators, Unicorns, Pegasuses (Pegasi?), Dragons, and just about everything else that’s in “test phase” as it’s been for many, many, many years. Still, it’s an awesome concept… good luck, Mr. Musk!

 
 

Batman Update – Batman is more than a man… he’s a symbol… a myth… a legend with which some can use for good… or evil. Unfortunately, some young whippersnapper has briefly taken the symbol for evil. A 16-year-old boy wearing a Batman shirt and mask broke into a building at the Colorado State Fair… then turned himself in to police after seeing his likeness on the news. The Pueblo Chieftain reported that the boy is one of three accused of breaking into the Fair's VIP building early Thursday. The trio took televisions, a laptop and an empty cash register (Wah wah…). The suspects managed to lock themselves in the building and had to break out. KRDO-TV aired surveillance video of the suspect dressed as Batman. After the video aired, the boy turned himself in to police.  Authorities plan to seek charges including burglary and criminal mischief. The boy wasn't named because of his age (doubting it was Bruce Wayne… but wouldn’t that be funny). Spoiler alert: Police were still seeking the other two suspects… who unfortunately weren’t dressed as Superman and the Flash as part of Pueblo’s bizarroworld Injustice League (patent pending). By the way, this story just made me think of my dream from a few years back… and I’m thinking that I may have to see about turning that into a little bit of a comic (so that DC can sue me down the road for using their characters & get their cut, which I’m okay with… after expenses). I’ll keep you posted on that one… and now we need a story of a Batman saving people. I wonder if he was involved in that plane crash at SFO this weekend… the world may never know.

 

Why Soccer Sucks #523 – Now, I consider myself a fairly passionate sports fan. You may also agree that soccer fans are among the more passionate sports fans in general as well. Yes, I said soccer, so it’s not mistaken for REAL football. Obviously there are players in the NFL that… are basically horrible human beings. Just watch any episode of Sportscenter over the past 15 years or so… and I’m guessing there’s at least one reference to yet another player assaulting, murdering, stealing from, running over or shooting at somebody else (or themselves if your name is Plaxico). However, the game itself is typically not life or death (that comes afterwards with the head injuries) like it is with soccer. The latest tale: One man has been arrested in northern Brazil after a referee who fatally stabbed an amateur player over his refusal to leave the field was decapitated by a mob, police said on Saturday. I didn’t make that up. Referee… STABBED a player. Why? Because he wouldn’t leave the field. Repercussion for the referee? Trial? Discipline? Nope. Decapitation! Basically it's the equivalent of the "Fail Mary" referee then stabbing Golden Tate... and the Seahawks crowd ripping him to shreds. Instead, I think they met up earlier this week to "hug it out" or something. Twenty-year old referee Octavio da Silva stabbed the thirty-year old player Josenir dos Santos on June 30^th after dos Santos refused to heed his order to leave, police spokesman Kena Souza told Reuters. A mob then turned on da Silva, killing him before severing his head in the remote town of Pio XII, named after a former pope (pope during WWII). A 27-year-old man was arrested on July 2 and police in the regional headquarters of Santa Ines will continue to investigate the incident, Souza said. Brazil has made significant strides in lowering homicide rates in recent years, as millions were lifted from poverty (and placed in poverty adjacent further away from the town center), but it faces mounting pressures to show it is a safe place for tourists before 12 Brazilian cities host the 2014 soccer World Cup and Rio de Janeiro the Olympic Games in 2016. In Rio de Janeiro on the day of the brawl, Brazil's national team handily defeated Spain in the Confederations Cup, considered a test run for next year's much bigger championship. The eight-team tournament was marked by an unexpected wave of demonstrations, some violent, in part to protest the $14 billion being spent on World Cup preparations amid a lack of adequate public services. So yeah… Brazil isn’t prospering as a nation… but hey, they’ve got the World Cup & Olympics coming. Look at what that did for Athens in 2004!!! Anyway, angry dads at little league games don’t seem so bad now, do they?

 

 

Apocalypse Update – My God! This may be the most frightening update yet… the evil reptile would-be overlords have become aware… and our using our own infrastructure against us. A French post office employee had the fright of her life when a meter-long (3.3-foot) python slithered quietly out of a parcel and rubbed against her. The woman was alone in the post office in the village of Blenod-les-Pont-a-Mousson (which I believe means “Village of the Mouse Pants” in French… Lilie?) in eastern France on Friday evening when she felt the chilling caress and screamed for help. Firemen caught the fugitive reptile and discovered a second one in the parcel. The pair were identified by a vet as ball pythons - non-aggressive snakes that coil up into a tight ball when threatened - and donated to a nearby zoo. "They're not dangerous but they're very impressive," an officer said. Ball pythons are popular with snake enthusiasts as pets but are also a protected species for which owners need a legal certificate stating they have not been taken from the wild. Customs officers raided the home address, in France, of the parcel's sender, where they found no certificates but two other snakes, a stuffed caiman and a stuffed turtle which the owner had been trying to sell over the Internet. The post office stressed that its terms and conditions clearly forbade the shipping of animals, live or dead… and I’m sure the offenders were given a stern talking-to as opposed to a fine or felony or something. What does this mean? Certainly these miniature ball pythons were test subjects… like sending monkeys into space first… test the waters to see if their heads would explode before the mass transportation of weaponized viper squads throughout the world. They may have to reconsider their strategy after being caught… but perhaps that’s just a few “biohazard” stickers away. They’re cunning… they’ve been around since the dinosaurs… they’ve already survived a few apocalypses that they may or may not have had a hand in… so they’ll do what it takes. We just have to be ready. Be careful out there opening your packages. Always have a machete ready. Besides… it helps with opening the package sometimes too.

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. We’ve discussed basketball, movies by pedophile directors, bullet trains to hell (LA), Batman going bad, deadly soccer mobs & slither bombs. Kind of a busy day for most blogs… but not for us… and just think, it was a slow past few days. Have a great day everybody!!!

Soccer Gets Interesting

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The countdown to the holidays has officially begun. Halloween was awesome… and now we are well into the month of November with Thanksgiving next week. So many big events coming up though.

Saturday, Dizzy & I are going to see Adam Lakers Carolla do a live podcast… and we got front row tickets. Dizzy is kind of obsessed with him… and it might be wearing off on me a little bit, but I’m a G, so I hooked her up. What I’m assuming will happen is we go see the show, laugh our asses off, meet him afterwards when he’s selling his swag, have him sign a few books, maybe a bottle of Mangria, invite him & his buddies over to watch football on my WALL OF AWESOME Sunday, have the time of our lives getting sh*t-faced with “The Hammer” over bacon and beer induced goodness & he basically invites us out to LA to watch the Super Bowl with him & Jimmy Kimmel. “Can’t do, Adam… cuz I’m going to be AT the Super Bowl.” “DAMN! You roll hard! I understand though… anytime you’re in LA, mi casa es su casa, $teve!” “Likewise. See ya around playa!” New best friends. You know… the typical thing that happens at these shows, right? I’ll keep you posted.

Next week, Jackie D is finally making her triumphant return to the Bay Area for her birthday trip! You remember Vegas last year, right? Good… cuz I don’t recall much. What happened? Anyway, she’s going to come out for a few days… and we honestly really don’t even have anything planned per se… but sh*t always gets fun when Jackie D & Mookie Love are in the same city. BALL SO HARD!!!

Next Saturday, Dizzy & I are going to see Sir Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine live & on stage at Bimbo’s. This is Dizzy’s first time seeing the Cheese… and will be my 3^rd. I also kind of get her obsessed on his swankified awesomeness… so it’ll be good for all. If you haven’t seen him in concert yet… go check it out if you can. Warning: He doesn’t do many shows… but at least check out his music & see if it’s worth the trip. It was when the Wingman & I went to Vegas!!!

After that, it’ll basically get into the time I should start thinking about getting presents for people for Christmas. At times like this, I wish I was crafty… or could get away with making pictures with macaroni & glue like I did back in the day. Instead, I have to be both thoughtful AND loaded to get good gifts. I also tend to give away a lot more (and better) gifts than I get in return… but that may just be because I’m a f**king sucker & put too much thought in it. Maybe this year will be the year of the Starbucks card… or the Christmas card with a picture of me & the family (me with no shirt on). Oh, I’ve got a few good ones already taken care of… but there’s still a few to go. Oh well, I’ll figure it out… or I won’t. See how dedicated I am? HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

You know… it’s been a while since I blessed you guys with some news… so let’s talk about strippers!

Tits of Tots! – So… this morning, I got an email from one of my favorite websites www.sffuncheap.com which is where I get a lot of info about some of the cool festivals & activities that you get to hear me blabber on about on this blog. I’m strolling through their weekly update… and I see something that… I have to read several times to make sure that I’m reading it correctly & it’s not some early morning grogginess. Basically, there’s a gentlemen’s club in SOMA called The Gold Club… and tonight, they’re offering an open bar & hors d’ouevres from 8 PM to 10 PM… and when you donate a children’s toy, you’ll receive a complimentary lapdance from one of the lovely ho ho hoes. Now, there is the stipulation that each toy must be valued at about $20 (so no showing up with a bunch of crap you bought at Chinatown for a dollar to exchange), but I think this… is basically one of the greatest holiday ideas EVER!!! Think about it… the patrons are receiving the human contact that they so desperately desire, the girls are providing a service to the community to help needy children enjoy their Christmas, the owners are getting a nice tax write-off on their establishment, since they’re not considered an establishment of the arts (though several people are taking that to the Supreme Court). Everybody wins! That’s not the only way that strippers are continuing to save the world either…

FINALLY! Soccer can be interesting! - Greeks are giving the oldest profession a whole new meaning to love of the game. Players on a cash-strapped soccer team now wear pink practice jerseys with the logos "Villa Erotica" and "Soula's House of History," two bordellos it recruited as sponsors after drastic government spending cuts in Greece left the country's sports clubs facing ruin. By the way, if you don’t know just how bad the economy is in Greece, please do yourself a favor and read a few articles about it. It’s pretty horrible. Anyway, other teams have also turned to unconventional financing. One has a deal with a local funeral home and others have wooed kebab shops, a jam factory and producers of Greece's trademark feta cheese. Yes, these sponsors run from the hilarious to borderline racist… but the amateur Voukefalas club - whose players include pizza delivery guys, students, waiters and a bartender (I smell a sitcom) - has raised eyebrows with its flamboyant sponsorship choice. "Unfortunately, amateur football has been abandoned by almost everyone," said Yiannis Batziolas, the club's youthful chairman, who also runs a travel agency AND is the team's backup goalkeeper. "It's a question of survival." Prostitution is legal in Greece, where brothels operate under strict guidelines (as they should be). Though garish neon signs advertising their services are tolerated, the soccer sponsorship has ruffled some feathers in the sports-mad city of Larissa. League organizers have banned the pink jerseys during games, saying the deal violates "the sporting ideal" and is inappropriate for underage fans (who pay half price for tickets & don’t help beer sales anyway, so f**k em!). Batziolas acknowledges the sponsorship took his team by surprise. "They didn't believe it in the beginning. But when they saw the shirts printed, they thought it was funny." Near-bankrupt Greece is struggling to meet creditors' relentless demands to slash spending and keep the euro as its currency. As Greece heads toward a sixth year of recession, drastic budget cuts have hammered many ordinary people: Retirees have been left to cover their own medical expenses, children have lost school bus services, and sports teams have scrambled to find sponsors as businesses close under the burden of emergency taxes.

Brothel owner Soula Alevridou, the team's new benefactor, has already paid more $1,312 for players to wear her jerseys (yes… her… the madame of the House of History). The team is appealing the game ban, but that doesn't worry the 67-year-old Alevridou, who says she's only in it because she loves soccer… and the pimp game. "It's not the kind of business that needs promotion," she said, dressed all in white and flanked by two young women in dark leggings at a recent game. "It's a word-of-mouth kind of thing." Her businesses, plushly decorated pastel-colored bungalows where 14 women are employed, have weathered the country's financial disaster far better than most, and she readily acknowledges her success. "If we don't help our scientists and athletes, where will we be? Greece has educated people, cultured people and good athletes. It's better to help them than take our money to Switzerland." Alevridou watched in disappointment as her team lost its fourth straight game, 1-0, despite her promise to players of "a special time" at her businesses if they won. "There's a lot still missing. We have no midfield," said Alevridou, a slightly built woman with a husky voice. "Many of our boys have jobs that keep them working at night… and if we have a game the following morning, they can't have a real presence on the pitch. ... They need more help." And unfortunately the “special time” probably wouldn’t help. They aren't the only team suffering. Greece's Amateur Athletics Federation suspended all its activities for several weeks earlier this year to protest funding cuts. And even the major soccer clubs sent most of their star players abroad this summer in the face of financial trouble and poor attendance, with fans no longer able to afford tickets. Government cuts have hurt most of the teams in the amateur league in Larissa - the majestically named Olympus, Hercules, Fearless and Sagittarius clubs, as well as Voukefalas, named after Alexander the Great's horse (really?). The impact of the crisis on sports is a major local concern. The town of 200,000 fielded the only professional club to ever break big-city domination of the league, winning the national championship in 1988. In 2007, Larissa FC also rebounded from bankruptcy for victory in the prestigious Greek Cup. Voukefalas says it needs about $13,120 a year to meet expenses, and Alevridou has promised more cash. "Here is where it all begins, with amateur sport. It's where the talent is bred. I am a Greek woman, and I love my country." She watched quietly, holding a cigarette and wearing a straw fedora with a leopard print band, as her team struggled. "The team will get better. I'm certain of it." By God, I love this woman’s passion! We should have more entrepreneurs like her! Can you imagine Larry Flynt being an owner of a professional football team? The Las Vegas Hustlers? Now, this is coming from a fan of Lingerie Football League AND the WNBA… but obviously for different reasons than you’re probably thinking… I like my sports. Sure, we’ve got mega bazillionaires that own most of the major sports teams… but what about all the struggling amateur leagues that just need a few grand for uniforms? What about a San Francisco semi-pro league with sponsors from Google to the Gold Club? Maybe I’ve found a new project…

Anyway, that’ll wrap it up for tonight. Looking forward to a fantastic week ahead… and I hope that you are too. Have a great night everybody!!!

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Friday night, I met up with my stepsister and her family in Dayton for some good old fashioned family fun. When I got to her house, she & Hallie (my niece) were waiting for me… and offered me a dinner of bacon, cornbread and eggs. Is that nice or what? After that, we met up with the rest of the clan at a park where they were setting up for a night time (6:30 PM these days) soccer game for the kids of the town. They set up some construction lights, brought a few goals, set up a table with chili from the neighborhood, and a good time was had by all. Those nephews of mine are pretty darn good at soccer. Just like their Uncle $teve was for the few years that he played. Oh yeah, I played. I was the goalie most of the time… because I was a big kid who could block anything… and could kick the ball really hard with great accuracy. Also, whenever some kid tried to block one of my “punts” or whatever the soccer term was, they always caught the follow-through with the leg. They only tried it once. Anyway, those were my glory days. Here are some pictures…

My niece Hallie

That night, after the kids went to bed, the grownups stayed up and watched a movie that I hadn’t seen before… but had heard good things about – “The Count of Monte Cristo” starring Jim Caviezel (“Passion of the Christ”) and Guy Pearce (“Memento”) among others. It’s the story of a fisherman (Caviezel) who has a chance encounter with Napoleon while trying to save his captain with his friend (Pearce) who is the son of a count. Long story extremely short (because I want you to go watch this movie), his friend and several others betray him… to protect their backsides as well as steal his fiancé from him. He is imprisoned in Chateau d’If for 13 years and beaten by a sadistic warden (James Remar) but also befriends another prisoner who tunnels throughout the prison (very slowly). During that time, he educates himself with the help of his new friend… and learns of a HUGE treasure. Now all he has to do to exact revenge… is escape. I REALLY liked this movie… and think that you should all go check it out. I’d tell you more… but there’s a lot of twists & turns… and I want you to be on your toes while watching it.

The next morning, we had breakfast and then went to the kid’s soccer games (the official ones). It was actually a lot of fun… you know, for being soccer… and you know how I feel about soccer. Let’s just say that America perfected football. After the games, they got their trophies for the last game of the season, and we went to play Wii and read books at the house. It may sound kind of boring to a lot of you… but I really enjoy spending time with those kids. Sure, the “Look at this”, “Look at what I can do”, “Let’s play this” and all that kind of get overwhelming when there’s four of them at once… but hey, it makes a body feel wanted, right? That afternoon, I drove back to Truckee in the rain… and it basically rained for 36 hours straight… and then I woke up this morning to snow on the ground. New Orleans is less than three days away. Should be a great vacation.

My stepsister grows some of the weirdest carrots ever...

Speaking of vacation, also this weekend, I watched another great movie that I highly recommend called “A Perfect Getaway” starring Timothy Olyphant (“Hitman”), Steve Zahn (“Sahara”) and my baby mama Milla Jovovich (“Fifth Element”). Sure I told you about it back when Milla signed on to star in it… but it’s the story of a newlywed couple (Zahn & Jovovich) who go to Hawaii on their honeymoon… and while there, read in the papers that there have been a few murders on the islands involving couples… and apparently, police say that it’s a couple doing the murdering as well… like Natural Born Killers or something. Well, they figure they’re on another island and do a BEAUTIFUL trail… but along the way they meet another couple (Olyphant & Kiele Sanchez) and are harassed by another (Chris Hemsworth & Marley Shelton) and things just get creepy from there. I really enjoyed it because it was genuinely creepy… while set in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. Kudos to director David Twohy (“Pitch Black” & “The Arrival”). Again, I highly recommend that you check this out… especially since it’s that time of year to be scared.

Also over the weekend, I watched “Date Night” starring Steve Carell, Tina Fey, Marky Mark, James Franco, Mila Kunis (aka the other Milla), Common & Ray Liotta. Most of you probably saw it in theatres… but you know me, if it doesn’t have Stallone or isn’t presented by Robert Rodriguez or Quentin Tarantino, I can wait until the DVD comes out. It’s about a married couple (Carell & Fey) who “borrow” somebody reservations at a fancy restaurant… and get involved in some serious shenanigans involving a mob boss (Liotta, of course), dirty cops, a shirtless special ops security guy (Wahlberg), and so on. Good for a few laughs… but yeah, nothing out of the ordinary. Check it out once with someone you love. Why not?

Anyway, I’ve got some packing to start doing for my trip… so I will leave you with that. Have a great day everybody!!! SNOW!!!

Scrounging for Change

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Whew… Busy time at work, which I guess means job security, and that the days whiz right by, but it’d be nice to have somebody else I could hand off duties to if I, for example, wanted to use my over two months of paid vacation saved up. Oh yeah. You think I was traveling before? Just wait until winter comes back and I’m “forced” to go on vacation by year’s end. Anyway, that’s a little down the road. In the meantime, I had a late night softball game last night. We lost pretty horribly, but I went 1 for 2 with a double and a run…but we had single-digit runs in softball, which is pretty bad. Stoked for the Zepparella concert tonight!!! It should be awesome. Again have no idea what to do this weekend, but there’s plenty of opportunity to get drunk with the Reno Pub Crawl and a Wine Walk at the Northstar ski resort available for a cheap date. Then again, if that’s all I wanted to do, I could just do that at home. Next week my dad & stepmom will be visiting for the 4th of July week. It should be a good time…and I’ve been needing it. Been kinda lonely the past few days…and it doesn’t help that a few of my friends have been feeling the same…but hey, I’m here for them. I kid you not, with work & friends, yesterday I was on the phone from 6 AM to 8 PM, then played softball & had a few voicemails waiting for me when I was done. Though I may be hundreds or thousands of miles away, they know they can call me anytime…and I’m usually pretty good about cheering them up, even when I’m in a less-than-silly mood. I have no idea why I should be feeling the way I do…but I figure it’s probably just hormones or something and will pass in a few days. It is a full moon…and it was gorgeous last night. Anyway, enough of my jabbering, here’s some news…

GOOOOOOOL!!! – Apparently the United States defied all odds and actually WON a soccer game in the World Cup in dramatic fashion (over Algeria) to move on into the elimination tournament of 16 teams. Take that Britain!!! That’s ugh… really all I have on this. There’s more on the link if you want to read on but… it’s soccer. The NBA Draft (aka Christmas) is tonight…so there’ll be MUCH more on that come Friday. Next…

Naked Cowgirl - New York City's famous Naked Cowboy wants a bikini-clad woman who calls herself “The Naked Cowgirl” to stop ripping off his trademark. The Times Square cowboy, whose real name is Robert Burck, is known for strumming his guitar wearing only briefs and a cowboy hat (can I see the patent on that?). He has sent a cease-and-desist letter to Sandy Kane, who wears a red, white and blue cowboy hat and matching bikini. Burck says if Kane's going to make money by posing for photos, he wants her to sign a "Naked Cowboy Franchise Agreement." Most of his licensed franchisees (how many are there?) are required to pay $5,000 a year or $500 a month and go through a screening process. Kane, who is in her 50s (shiver), is a former stripper who's now a fixture of the city comedy scene. Her real name is Sandra Brodsky. She says she doesn't owe Burck anything. He’ll let the courts decide…but I’ve often considered becoming a street performer (as I discussed with Bubbles the other day when her heart was broken about the breakdancers from my latest trip not actually being with DARE, GASP!!!). When you work for tax-free tips, there’s a reason so many people do it. Have you ever trailed a scruffy street performer when they’re done with their gig…and watched them go around the corner…and hop into their Lexus? Oh yes. Think about it. You’re sitting there playing pretty basic guitar riffs and singing the wrong words to “American Pie” and the like for maybe three hours a day…and let’s say on a slow day, somebody throws a dollar into your hat, about once a minute. You just made about $200 tax-free…on a slow day. Yeah! See my point? How many of you out there make less than half that for a full 8 hour day & Uncle Sam gets just as much? Oh, my hand is definitely raised. It’s a twisted world we live in sometimes. Oh well, if you’ve got talent, let it out…and feel free to capitalize on it. God knows I would… but apparently prostitution’s illegal and that’s the realm where all my talents lie. Oh well, I’ll just need to develop some talents…and THEN…

Possible New Home - Listed as a "monument to unparalleled success," the largest home for sale in the United States comes with plenty of space but no carpet, tiles or interior walls. It's up to the future buyer to finish it. The mansion started by timeshare tycoon David Siegel boasts plenty of big numbers like 90,000 square feet, 23 bathrooms, 13 bedrooms,10 kitchens, a 20-car garage, with additional space for two limos, 3 pools, a bowling alley, an indoor roller rink, a two-story movie theater, video arcade, fitness center, even a baseball field and two tennis courts. All that and more for $75 million "as is." There's an option to buy it completed for $100 million (Really? $25 million for furniture?). Nicknamed "Versailles" for the French royal palace that inspired it, the edifice hit the market recently. Construction was halted last year to save money in a recession that proved particularly hard on Siegel's once-booming industry. "This mansion is a great anecdote of the over-consumption that led to the housing bust, and it might be the poster child of such overindulgence," said Jack McCabe, a Florida-based real estate analyst (and worst salesman ever). The unfinished palace at 6121 Kirkstone Lane makes Tiger Woods' place just down the street in this gated Orlando suburb look more like a guest house. It has the square footage of nearly two football fields, is almost double the White House and about 36 times the size of the average American family home. The master bedroom alone, which would have had a rotating bed under a skylight, is twice the size of a standard house. "It's like a living piece of art," said Lorraine Barrett, a Coldwell Banker real estate agent who has the listing. At least it will be upon completion. Instead of stonewalled gates, a chain-link fence with a green covering keeps onlookers out of the 10-acre property. The driveway is overrun with dirt and rocks. Weeds fill the planned baseball field. The home opens into a grand hall with symmetrical staircases and a ceiling complete with a stained-glass dome befitting a cathedral. The rest of the mansion is more an outline with only steel beams, insulation and most of the electrical wiring in place. The two elevator shafts are empty. Stone for the exterior is waiting in boxes that fill the cavernous garage. The Olympic-length pool that will have a waterfall flowing into another pool is a carved-out shell. A cleaning company has to come to the vacant mansion to keep things tidy. "He figured it would be for his family. They'd never have to leave, because they would have everything they needed here," Barrett said during a recent tour of the mansion. "Nothing broke his heart more." She said Siegel, who has 12 children, could have easily moved forward with construction but wanted to avoid cutbacks at his company, Westgate Resorts. Requests to interview Siegel were not returned through Westgate Resorts or Barrett. Selling a high-end home is never easy, and that's only magnified in this recovering market. However, Sheri Chase, founder and president of Chase Realty International, has had the listing for a $100 million estate here in Lake Tahoe for about four years. The 20,000-square-foot home on 210 acres of property is owned by Tommy Hilfiger co-founder Joel Horowitz. Chase said "There are only so many billionaires in the world. Who's looking at prices in this stratosphere? Very few people, so patience is key." (Just wait until I get some talent) There also aren't many homes in the U.S. priced so high. The Lake Tahoe estate is the third-most expensive on the market, according to the annual ranking by Forbes magazine. That's only behind a $150 million mansion in Holmby Hills, California owned by Candy Spelling, widow of television giant Aaron Spelling. Another Holmby Hills mansion owned by Suzanne Saperstein, the ex-wife of Texas billionaire David Saperstein, has a $125 million asking price. In 2008, a Russian billionaire bought Donald Trump's Palm Beach mansion for $95 million. Trump had asked for $125 million. The Versailles mansion, inspired by a visit to the real palace near Paris on the Siegel's honeymoon in 2000 (I was there a year earlier, it’s amazing), is currently tied for fifth by price with several others. But it has, by all accounts, the most square footage under one roof in America for a home after the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, N.C. The structure might not look so massive from the front. The foundation sits some 20 feet below the rest of the block — making the entrance to the home on the second floor. Why? Because there's a 47-foot height restriction in the community. In reality, the mansion is 67 feet high. It's not cheap to maintain, either. Taxes alone on the property, if sold at $100 million, would be between $1.45 million and $1.74 million annually, according to the Orange County property appraiser's website. The yearly upkeep also would likely fall in that range, real estate agents said. "It's going to take a very unique kind of buyer to purchase the property," said Carol Ann Hewitt, who has listings for high-end homes in Windermere for Oxford Realty. "I'm not going to say it's impossible, but it could take a while." Besides, who the hell wants to go to Orlando? I don’t golf. However, that mansion here in Tahoe may be something else… I wonder where that’s located. I think it’s on the Nevada side. Hell, it’s probably perched on a cliff overlooking my favorite spot. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Hell, if they need somebody to maintain it while it’s on the market, I may have to update my resume…to go along with the current job and my street entertaining…

Country of Beggars – “Change?” “No thanks. I’ve got enough already.” Ever used that? It’s funny (though a little spiteful) but now there’s an entire country asking for your change. Romania's cash-strapped government is asking for donations to a fund set up to boost budget revenues and cushion the impact of the economic crisis, the finance ministry said on Friday. Earlier this week, the centrist coalition cabinet narrowly won a no-confidence vote in parliament over sharp public sector wage and pensions cuts, key to keeping afloat its 20 billion-Euro aid package led by the International Monetary Fund. "Every person in Romania, except for legal entities, can donate cash into this account," the finance ministry said in a statement introducing its "solidarity fund." When enforced, pay cuts will buy Romania time to reform its sprawling inefficient public administration and counter tax evasion, which should boost budget revenues. But with tax receipts expected to disappoint in the first half of the year, every little bit that can be spared is a help. Officials said the new fund is aimed at public officials who earn additional income on top of regular wages by serving on administrative boards of companies entirely or partially owned by the state (so, people who worked more?). Prime Minister Emil Boc has also said he will donate his wages to the fund (since he already gets a free house, meals & whatever else being Prime Minister), but the account is open to anyone who wishes to contribute. Donations can be made by bank transfer to a special account and a list of donations will subsequently be published on the ministry's website. So if you’ve ever wanted to go onto a government website and see that “Dr Mookie Love, of Funkatron, in the United States donated $20” (or like a thousand Romanian New Leu since they don’t do the Euro) or I’m sure you could do something more personally gratifying like “Joe Loves Rachel donated $10” or even “Romania Blows donated $0.25” but you’d be doing a good thing. However, I don’t know if I can fully get behind this. Why? Well, if I’m going to give you some change, I expect you to at least try a little bit for it. Not just say “Hey, if you could just forward some money to my international bank account, that’d be awesome.” Hell, if you want some real money, just ask the ladies in Reno, you gotta do a little something for it. At least do a little dance, sing a song of my praises, tell me a funny joke, come on. I’ve seen some of your fine Romanian exports. You’ve got some lovely ladies out there. Put a smile on my face & we’ll see that account blow up. Is that so wrong? Well, okay maybe it got a little wrong towards the end…but you get my drift. Earn this money.

Swinging or Pimpin’? – You know, it’s funny how a lot of my little stories transition right into the next so flawlessly. Do I design it that way? Not really. It’s fatidic. Oh that’s a real word. One of my new favorites. Have you ever wondered which method of sexual exploration is safer, swinging or prostitution? Really? Your sexual life is a lot more active than mine then. Well, scientists studying swingers (straight couples who regularly swap sexual partners and indulge in group sex at organized meetings) say they have higher rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) than prostitutes. I’m going to repeat that for the cheap seats. According to studies, you’re more likely to get a disease through swinging (or as I like to call it, a four-gy) than if you’re turning tricks a dozen times a night. Think about it. Dutch researchers publishing their work in the British Medical Journal showed that older swingers (those over the age of 45) are particularly vulnerable and yet are a group largely ignored by healthcare services (mostly because they don’t want to think about middle-aged Dutch people having sloppy sex in mayonnaise or something). With estimates that the swinger population could be many millions across the world, the scientists said there was a risk this untreated group could act as an STI "transmission bridge to the entire population." "Although exact estimates are unavailable, the swingers' population is probably large," wrote Anne-Marie Niekamp, who worked on the study with colleagues from Maastricht University. The Dutch study analyzed the numbers of patients seeking treatment in 2007 and 2008 at three sexual health clinics in South Limburg in the Netherlands. The clinics have recorded whether a patient is a swinger since the start of 2007, in an attempt to track infection rates among this group. During the study period, there were just under 9,000 consultations at the three clinics. One in nine of the patients was a swinger, with an average age of 43. Overall, combined rates of Chlamydia and gonorrhea were just over 10% among straight people, 14% among gay men, just under 5% in female prostitutes (God I want to go to Amsterdam), and 10.4% among swingers, they found. And female swingers had higher infection rates than male swingers. One in 10 older swingers had Chlamydia and around one in 20 had gonorrhea. Chlamydia is the most common sexually transmitted disease among women and in 70% of cases causes no symptoms. The bacterial infection can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease, ectopic pregnancy and infertility. Gonorrhea is another bacterial infection which can also lead to infertility if left untreated. Niekamp said that while other high risk groups, such as young straight people, gay men and prostitutes, were relatively easy for healthcare service to identify and target for advice and help, swingers were generally a hidden community. "That makes them very hard to reach," she said in a telephone interview. "Because they are so hidden and in some ways also stigmatized, it is hard for them to come forward for STI testing and treatment." Okay, so just to elaborate, this is in the Netherlands…and their prostitution industry is pretty strictly monitored and I think they have health benefits and stuff like that, which is completely different from here in the States, so don’t go out there thinking every lady of the evening has a 95% change of being clean as a well-used whistle. However, it just goes to show that you can’t really be too careful out there trying to find your sexual thrills. I’ve never done swinging…and as mentioned before, I’m typically old-fashioned when it comes to this stuff…but I’m always down for new things. I guess the moral is, please be careful out there…and use protection…and get checked regularly. I want you all to get your freak on for a long time to come.

Death of the Soap Opera? - On September 17, TV's oldest daytime drama (“As the World Turns” airing weekdays at 2 p.m. EDT until then) will fold. On Wednesday, "ATWT" wrapped production forever. "It's been a job and a home and friendships for 50 years," said Don Hastings, an avuncular, era-spanning presence on the show since literally before Kennedy was shot as he pondered the series' end. "I don't think it's hit me yet." The summer after CBS' "Guiding Light" was cut down after 72 years on radio and then television, the doomsday scenario that has plagued soaps for decades has now claimed "ATWT." ABC's "General Hospital," which premiered in April 1963, will now inherit the title as TV's oldest soap. But who knows for how long? Used to be, at any given time there were a dozen or more daytime dramas on the networks. Soon there will be only six, with only ABC's "One Life to Live" still originating in New York. The ratings for all of them are a fraction of what they once were, and continue in a downward spiral. "ATWT," ranked last, this season is averaging 2.4 million viewers, whereas in the 1991-92 season, it drew 6.7 million viewers, according to the Nielsen Co. "This show was created in the 1950s, and now there are different viewing patterns, different economic models, and we're all fighting a tough fight to stay in the business," said Chris Goutman, "ATWT" executive producer since 1999. "Daytime has been in trouble for a long time, and we're part of that bigger picture. But when was the time that I thought we were fighting a losing battle? Never. I always think we're going to win the battle. But this time we didn't." Last December, CBS made it official, a death decree that, paired with the demise of "Guiding Light," marks the exit of Procter & Gamble's production arm from the soap opera business. This, of course, is a company for which the term "soap opera" was coined in the radio era when it began deploying such shows to advertise its detergent and soap products. Now you know where it comes from. Like many soaps, "ATWT" is set in a bucolic but scandal-beset Midwestern burg — in this case, Oakdale, Illinois. Having always centered on two families (the Lowells and the Hugheses) it premiered April 2, 1956, with mild-mannered Nancy Hughes voicing the words, "Good morning, dear." She was played by Helen Wagner, who was among those seen on that fateful episode the day Kennedy died (it’s on YouTube) and made occasional appearances as recently as this spring. She passed away in May at age 91. Hastings and Eileen Fulton (who joined "ATWT" in May 1960 as the vixenish Lisa Grimaldi) are now the senior cast members. Longevity, of course, is a hallmark of soap operas. Unique in the otherwise mercurial world of TV, the life spans of successful soaps are measured in decades, even generations, not fleeting seasons. Firm bonds are formed by viewers with a soap and its characters, as well as the actors who play them…and keep playing them for nearly half a century. But the question arises, does this mean that soap operas will soon go the way of the dinosaur, the Dodo and the Unicorn? I guess only time will tell…and there’s always Telemundo, which is just fun to watch even if you don’t speak Spanish. You get the gist of it.

Bacon Update with Unicorns – See? Another seamless transition from soon-to-be extinct television formats to thought-to-be extinct mammals. I’m sorry to break your hearts yet again…but it's official: The National Pork Board says it KNOWS unicorns don't exist. Why would the geniuses who brought us such staples of the American diet as bacon, pork chops, bacon, pig’s feet & bacon even mention anything to do with Unicorns a.k.a. Horny horses? The industry group says it was only protecting its trademark when it issued cease-and-desist warning to online retailer ThinkGeek for calling a fake unicorn meat product "the new white meat." The fictional canned meat, described as an "excellent source of sparkles," was an April Fool's prank. But the 12-page letter from the board's law firm was no joke. "We certainly offered our apologies," Scott Kauffman, President and CEO of Geeknet Inc., the parent company of ThinkGeek, told the Associated Press. "It was not our intention to confuse the public as to the attributes and qualities of the two meats." In a public apology this week, ThinkGeek said its nonexistent canned unicorn meat is sparkly, a bit red and not approved by any government entity. "We certainly understand that unicorns don't exist," said Ceci Snyder, vice president of marketing for the National Pork Board. "Yes, it's funny. But if you don't respond, you are opening your trademark up to challenges." The council said it is in discussions with the company. "Where we feel victimized, is I don't know of another organization that does more to promote pork products than our site," Kauffman said, noting the company sells around 20 real items related to bacon, such as bacon gumballs and bacon soap (mmm…that might warrant a search of the website). ThinkGeek "launches" mock products every April Fool's day. The company said it was surprised the board did not raise any concerns about another prank item this year called "My First Bacon" — a talking stuffed toy that looked like a piece of bacon (I think little Vinny’s got a new Christmas present). He said, "To be attacked in this manner, given all we do for pork, the irony is not lost on us." Nor on us, Scott. Then again, copyright infringement is copyright infringement. I’m sure that Unicorn Meat was probably your top seller…but I wonder if anybody actually eats the contents. “Hmm… is that… is that glitter? This looks like spam rolled around on the floor of a rave.” Really? That’s going to make you half-vomit? Didn’t you read earlier when I was talking about the middle-aged Dutch couples in a mayo-orgy? Mmm delicious…

Well, on that note, I think I’ll stop for the day. I know usually I end it with a good joke or a bunch of sexy pictures but… I’m going to see Zepparella tonight!!! What? Sigh… okay, I’ll give you some pictures to get you hyped for the concert too…and get that image out of your head. Have a great night everybody!!!