Monday, September 27, 2010

I Got A Sweet Tooth

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So… my brother left. Here’s the deal, I was talking to him last night… and basically what turned into a little smoking out on the deck conversation turned into my brother being in tears wondering what the point of his life was besides being a father to his two kids (since their mother is a useless crack whore). He didn’t want to work at a gas station anymore… and he wants a good job… but doesn’t know if he can (want to) go to school for a job that still won’t be there. See, this was different then I usually see my brother. He doesn’t cry much around me. Usually he’s just angry… and a little violent… but we were actually talking about it. I offered my place for as long as he needed, said we could chat about options over the weekend and all the stuff that a good brother should. Then he received a call from my mom’s house. It was my stepdad… and my niece Kairi wasn’t sleeping & she wanted to talk to her daddy. I’ll admit, I was kind of eavesdropping, but with passing traffic outside on my deck it was hard to make out. All of a sudden, my brother hangs up the phone and puts his face in his hand. “What’s up? Bad connection?” “My daughter just told me that she doesn’t want to live with me anymore. She wants to live with grandma.” I was a little stunned. “Just like that? What did she say?” “Just like that.” “She’s a f**king four year old girl. Not even four yet. She’ll say stupid sh*t from time to time. She just likes being spoiled is all.” The phone rings again & I hear my stepdad on the line but can’t quite make it out… something in a “sorry your daughter said that” tone. I just heard my brother say "I will be there tomorrow. You will get me an apartment for a month for me & my kids to stay at." Sometimes said back on the other line. "I WILL BE THERE TOMORROW. YOU WILL GET ME AN APARTMENT!!!" Hangs up. So, to sum up, right in the middle of a conversation with an end goal of setting his life up with a point besides just being a father to his kids, he gets a call from his daughter saying that she doesn’t want to live with him anymore. Needless to say, this was the excuse he needed (had been looking for) to go back to Utah and throw a tissy fit at my mom. Oh… and why did Kairi say that? Because my mom got a puppy… that my brother had already told the kids no on. Isn’t family fantastic? It could be worse, no doubt… but yeah, I did my part.

Other than that, I had no idea what to do this weekend but I figured I’d best catch up on my laundry & cleaning up after my brother (f**king pig sty everywhere he goes), get a haircut & watch my first professional football of the season (been busy the past few weekends as you know). Who knows what else may happen, right? Well, Friday night I started by going to a coworker’s going away party (off to LA to be an actor, I’ll let you know if he’s in anything I like… I mean, Lindsay was once a friend of the blog) and it was a lot of fun. There was Beer Pong, great peeps, hot girls (though every single one of them was spoken for, I checked), great tunes, even a little freestyling. While having a conversation about sexy Halloween costumes and how unnecessary they really are when you have a sense of humor, it somehow got to age… and I mentioned my 30th birthday coming up… and how I wanted to go to Amsterdam, but nobody could afford to go with me (nor will I be able to at this rate). “Why don’t you just have an Amsterdam themed party?” “Holy sh*t!!! That’s BRILLIANT!!! I’ve already got the red light bulbs (bow chicka bow wow), just get a few dozen tulips, some brownies, maybe talk to a buddy that lives on the river to replace the canals, maybe have a Jewish family in the crawl space, a few Rembrandts on the wall, girls dancing in windows, Heineken EVERYWHERE. Oh it’ll work…” So if it comes to be, you’re all invited to my 30th birthday Amsterdamian extravaganza. I’ll keep you posted.

Saturday, didn’t do much expect clean, laundry & college football… though some great games, but you don’t care. Sunday, I went on a date. Oh yeah, $teve still dates when he feels the urge… and this one was a coffee date with, we’ll say Candy, in Reno right after I got my oil changed & my hair did. We met up at Java Jungle down in the River District (my favorite area of Reno thus far) and we just chatted. Candy is funny, intelligent, just got back from a 3 week vacation in Peru, backpacked through Europe, Peace Corps in Guinea (west Africa, not New Guinea), has a marketing job, great sense of humor very similar to mine, oh… and she’s gorgeous. I know what you’re thinking “$teve, she way out of your league.” You may be right… but she seemed to be digging me (as they all usually do before I never hear from them again) so we’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck & I’ll invite you to the wedding. HA!!! Anyway, in the meantime, here’s some news since you’ve been deprived the past week or so…

Back in Black… Rubber – In an effort to keep vampire movies from going completely cheesy & ridiculously bad, Kate Beckinsale has officially closed her deal to reprise her role as vampire heroine Selene in a fourth "Underworld" film at Screen Gems and Lakeshore Entertainment says the trades. Story details are unknown beyond the usual vampire vs. werewolves tale, but it seems likely events will pick up from the end of 2006's "Underworld: Evolution" with all the vampire elders now slain and Selene having obtained special powers including the ability to safely tolerate daylight (apparently it was sexually transmitted by a hybrid vampire/werewolf making sweet love to her knee if I remember correctly). John Hlavin wrote the script which J. Michael Straczynski ("Changeling," "Babylon 5") is polishing. Both a director and an actress to play Selene's daughter are currently being sought. Tom Rosenberg, Gary Lucchesi and Len Wiseman are producing. Filming kicks off in March in Vancouver. So gentlemen, prepare thyselves.

Jolie Update – Speaking of hot ladies with questionably sexy accents, Angelina Jolie has chosen young Bosnian actress Zana Marjanovic for the lead role in her directorial debut — a wartime love story between a Bosnian woman and a Serbian man (though nothing like Romeo & Juliet set in modern times, I’m sure). Marjanovic told the Associated Press on Thursday that the screenplay was "fabulous" and she could not wait to start shooting with such a "great actress and humanist" like Jolie. The 27-year-old actress said she was on her way to Hungary to prepare for the film shoot beginning later this year and take place both in Hungary and Bosnia. Jolie has visited Bosnia twice this year — as UNHCR good will ambassador and to scout for her movie — and had promised she would cast only actors from the region. Marjanovic became known after her prominent role in award winning "Snow" by Bosnian director Aida Begic. So yeah… keep an eye out for this movie, I guess.

Commies & Puppies – It’s pretty much a universal trait among all cultures… that you just don’t mess with another human’s spouse, children, car or dog (though cats are okay because… well, they’re just cats & have no souls). However, sometimes they have to send in the loan sharks to bust a few heads. For example, Russian bailiffs have threatened to take what is most precious from a Russian pensioner who has failed to pay a debt -- her three Shar Pei pedigree puppies, they said Friday. Though Shar Peis are technically not dogs, being of the small hairy annoying rat family of the animal kingdom (feel free to Google it), apparently this still involves the aforementioned values. The pensioner, who bailiffs did not name, owes 350,000 rubles ($11,330) to an individual in her home town in Russia's volcanic Kamchatka region in the Far East. "If she does not fulfill her obligations (to pay back the debt) within 10 days, the puppies will be sold by the Federal Agency for State Property Management," bailiffs said in a statement on their site In Kamchatka, Shar Pei puppies fetch 15,000 rubles ($482.60) each, media reported. But bailiffs said they will try to sell them for 5,000 rubles to attract more potential buyers (so if you’re interested in that market, great deals to be had). They added that the famously wrinkled Shar Pei puppies have been allowed for the time being to remain with the pensioner, who breeds them as her sole source of income as she has no property (so… she breeds them out of her apartment or something?). By the way, who the hell gave this woman 350,000 rubles when they know all she does is breed ugly dogs? I mean… we’re talking giving back every last dime from the first 25 puppies sold at peak price with minimum interest on the loan. That’s also assuming the food is free (eating pigeons or rats or something), no checkups for the dogs, nothing of the sort, every last dime… for probably five generations of dogs. I’m sorry pensioner… but if you knew that was the deal, then you pretty much deserve to lose that money… but at least you’ll probably get a few dogs out of the deal (at $4000 a pop). Yet another sign of the Apocalypse, I guess when Shar Peis are valued that much. Oh speaking of which…

Apocalypse Update - At least 280 crocodiles have escaped from a Mexican refuge (not refugee) near the Gulf of Mexico after heavy flooding caused by Hurricane Karl, Mexican media said Tuesday. The endangered Morelet crocodiles were on the roam in six coastal areas in the Mexican state of Veracruz and residents were told not to try to capture or kill them, El Economista reported. The governor of Veracruz told reporters about 280 crocodiles were missing from the reserve in La Antigua, although some media put the number of reptiles at closer to 400. Morelet crocodiles can grow to nearly 10 feet and are found in freshwater swamps, lakes and rivers, and the brackish coastal waters of eastern Mexico, Belize and Guatemala. Federal authorities from the agency charged with environmental protection said crocodile experts (like Steve Irwin? Sorry, too soon?) would be sent to the region to try to recapture the animals. At least 15 people were killed and thousands displaced by the hurricane, which ripped through the Yucatan peninsula and slammed into Mexico's Gulf coast this past weekend. So to recap, a few hundred endangered crocodile prisoners have escaped from their cells to join the army of pythons in Florida and bring out the end of days. All that gibberish in the Bible about the Serpent, the Anti-Christ, Rapture and all that doesn’t seem so crazy & mythological now, does it? And all this time you thought it would be the Environment or Robots that would destroy us all. By the way, has anybody else noticed that it’s been a while since I reported a sexy dream or had a Sexbot Update? Didn’t think so… but I have…

Robopocalypse Update – Legendary filmmaker & iconic $teve, Steven Spielberg himself is said to be considering the film "Robopocalypse" as one of his next projects for Dreamworks Pictures says Vulture. Based on Daniel H. Wilson's unpublished manuscript, the cautionary tale explores the fate of the human race after a robot uprising. Wilson, who has a Ph.D. in robotics, has grounded his tale in a heavy degree of authenticity derived from real robot technology. Drew Goddard ("Cloverfield") has just handed in a new draft of the script which the studio is keen to check out. Spielberg still hasn't made up his mind about which project he'll next helm after "The War Horse" but he may want to decide quickly as there are a multitude of Apocalypses converging to destroy us all… so unless he wants to do this tale years down the road as a historical interpretation like “Schindler’s List” then he’d better get on that pestilence horse immediately after his war horse before the other two show up… like they did for the dinosaurs. Hmm… just had a thought about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding around on Raptors. That’d be sweet…

Dino Update - Scientists said Wednesday they've discovered fossils in the southern Utah desert of two new dinosaur species closely related to the Triceratops, including one with 15 horns on its large head. The discovery of the new plant-eating species — including Kosmoceratops richardsoni, considered the most ornate-headed dinosaur known to man — was reported Wednesday in the online scientific journal PLoS ONE, produced by the Public Library of Science. The other dinosaur, which has five horns and is the larger of the two, was dubbed Utahceratops gettyi. "It's not every day that you find two rhino-sized dinosaurs that are different from all the other dinosaurs found in North America," said Mark Loewen, a Utah Museum of Natural History paleontologist and an author of the paper published in PLoS ONE. "You would think that we know everything there is to know about the dinosaurs of western North America, but every year we're finding new things, especially here in Utah," he said. The Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument has been a hotbed for dinosaur species discoveries in the past decade, with more than a dozen new species discovered. While it is a rocky, arid place now, millions of years ago it was similar to a swamp. The Utahceratops has a large horn over the nose and short eye horns that project to the side rather than upward, similar to a bison (or the MONARCH!!!). Its skull is about 7 feet long, it stood about 6 feet high and was 18 to 22 feet long. It is believed to have weighed about 3 to 4 tons. The Kosmoceratops has similar facial features to the Utahceratops, but has 10 horns across the rear margin of its bony frill that point downward and outward. It weighed about 2.5 tons and was about 15 feet long. The horns on both animals range in length from about 6 inches to 1 foot. Paleontologists say the discovery shows that horned dinosaurs living on the same continent 76 million years ago evolved differently. Scientists say that other horned dinosaurs lived on the same ancient continent known as Laramidia in what is now Alberta, Canada. The numerous horns are believed to have been used to attract mates and intimidate sexual competitors, similar to horns on deer. "The horns really are probably developed at puberty, because most likely these are signals for mate recognition, competition between males, things like that," Loewen said. "They're sexual signals and really that's how we think this group of dinosaurs divided." Again though, that’s all speculation… but hey, what else are you going to do when you find something that died millions of years ago?

Well, that’ll do it for today. Enough talk about family drama, hot girls & the Apocalypse… and the correlation between all three. Also, less than two weeks until my dad comes to visit for the football game and five weeks until New Orleans Halloween, which is even better than a North Pole Christmas or a Dublin St. Patty’s Day. Good times y’all. Filly’s really excited for it too, as she should be. I’m kind of a big deal… so watch out when Tropical Storm $teve hits the Crescent City. Have a great day everybody!!!

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