Thursday, September 16, 2010

Baby Got Back

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As you can probably tell from yesterday, I had a great weekend back in Utah. Didn't get to spend as much time as I would've liked with everybody, but hey, that's how it goes. You just have to treasure every moment you're with them. My dad felt a little gypped, but he was the one working when I was in town... so we'll just have to make up for it when he flies down for the weekend for the 49ers game. GO EAGLES!!! By the way, saw something on ESPN this morning, and did you know that Michael Vick is the most disliked sports figure in the world? WHY? Did he diss his hometown in the worst way possible? No, LeBron was number 6 on the list. Did he f**k half of the porn industry while his hot Swedish wife raised his kids? No, Tiger was number two. Hell, TO & Ochocinco were #3 & #4 and they're just about as irritating as Jersey Shore. Did he drive drunk and kill a man? No, Dante Stallworth & Leonard Little weren't even mentioned on the list. Did he rape anybody? I don't know what happened when he was in prison for two years... but he's pretty quick, but that's not why he was there. Did he lie, cheat, steal, stab or even so much as get into a bar fight as it seems about once a week somebody in the NFL is doing? Nope. Did he so much as gamble? Well, okay he did kind of finance a dogfighting ring. What was his cardinal sin? He allegedly hurt a few puppies. Will Smith did that on "I Am Legend" and he's making $20 million a flick. So what's my point? No matter what you do in the public limelight... you can rape, murder, manslaughter, steal, whatever... but God help you if you are involved in anything to do with puppies in a negative manner. You will NEVER recover from that. Why? Because they're cute (or at least were before a few matches in the ring). Michael Vick could throw for 5000 yards and run for 2000 more, lead the Eagles to a Super Bowl, save four children and a nun from a burning orphanage, discover the cure to multiple sclerosis, settle the differences between Israel & Palestine, find Bin Ladin & strangle him like the runt of the pack... and he STILL would never be forgiven. He would still be known as that dude. It's kinda f**ked up if you ask me. Then again, you didn't... and you probably don't agree with me. That's cool. To each our own. I'm not saying that he should be the most liked athlete in all of sports, not by any means. What he did is still despicable...but he's served his time, so I've forgiven him. He may not even break the top ten least liked (and that was before he became an Eagle). I don't know, I'm rambling again. Moving on...

My brother is allegedly arriving tomorrow... and he's bringing his friend (who will pay for my food for the month and sleep on the floor and enjoy the favor). They want to go to amusement parks... and luckily, so do I. So one of these weekends, we may be doing a road trip down to San Jose for Great America and the Winchester House. Or there's Six Flag in Vallejo. Or there's Magic Island water park in Sparks. Then again, he has no money, so we may not be doing any of them, because I'm not paying. Period. Anyway, I'm trying to remain optimistic. It'll be fun hanging with my brother. It'll be fun hanging with my brother. It'll be fun hanging with my brother. There.

Splurging on a Dime – Nowadays, we’re having to get by with less income… but hey, we can learn from others on how to maximize happiness without reaching into our life savings. For example, a homeless man called 911 from the hot tub of a suburban Portland home and asked for three things – clean towels, hot chocolate and a hug. Instead, he was arrested for trespassing. Beaverton police say Mark Eskelsen called 911 from his cell phone (yes, he has a cell phone), identified himself as "the sheriff of Washington County," and asked for medical help. He later admitted he wasn't the sheriff but informed the dispatcher he'd been "yelling for about an hour and a half." The man said in his Sunday morning call that he'd been in the water about 10 hours and his towels had gotten wet (somehow). As he put it, "I just need a hug and a warm cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it." The Oregonian newspaper says arriving officers arrested Eskelsen for investigation of second-degree criminal trespass and improper use of 911. Best part of the story – A homeless man was in the hot tub ALL night with not so much as a wink in his direction, yet somebody who pays four digits in rent every month can’t be in a hot tub after 10 PM in Utah (and even then, it’s more of a lukewarm tub). Sorry, Mr. Eskelsen, times are tough… but there is hope. Hugs are just around the corner for you.

Lustful Court - Some residents of Lustful Court in a central Georgia community say they're tired of being kidded and want the street's sin-friendly name changed. Yes, seriously. Bibb County Commissioner Lonzy Edwards brought up a possible name change Tuesday after receiving complaints. Lustful Court resident Michelle Washington says the name sparks laughter and confusion when she tells people where she lives (really?). Yoshonda Patterson says she thinks the name gives people the wrong idea about the neighborhood on the east side of Macon (or does it? Bow chicka bow wow…). After listening to residents, commissioners decided they'll consider the change if neighbors start a petition. The street is in a subdivision and no one could recall where the name originated. My guess (and therefore truth in the folklore of $teve) is that some brilliant subdivision designer or civil engineer who didn’t graduate from the University of South Carolina (GO GAMECOCKS!!!) thought it’d be pretty sweet if at least one street in the great state of Georgia wasn’t named after a peach. However, being an engineer myself, I can see how he would think “If not a peach, then what? Mmm… I could eat a peach for hours… That sweet nectar dripping all over my hands and face as that fuzz tickles my nose and cheek, tongue maneuvering all around the pit, slurping up the juice, moaning in unbound pleasure…” anyway, long story short, after a heated court case eventually it becomes Lustful Court. Frankly, Yoshonda offends me more than Lustful Court… but I guess you can name your baby whatever you want. Freedom of speech and all that. When it comes to street names though, God help you if the street you live on contains the same letters as one of the seven deadly sins. By the way, please don’t tell anybody in Georgia about Cincinnati. “It’s an abomination! It has “sin” TWICE in the name. The Cincinnati Bengals? More like the Sin-Sin-atti DEVILS!!!” And this fantasy concludes with T.O. being crucified… so on second thought, please tell Lonzy and the others in Macon about Cincinnati. My suggestion for the new street name though – Bacon Lane. Why? Who wouldn’t want to tell people they live at 878 Bacon Lane, Macon Georgia? “If not bacon, then what? Mmm… I could eat strips of bacon for hours…”

Low Pants, No Chance - A Baton Rouge Metro Council member wants the parish to support a public awareness campaign against men who wear their pants so low that their boxer shorts show (that rhymed unintentionally). Councilwoman C. Denise Marcelle has a slogan for the campaign: "Low pants, no chance." "I hate to see it and I see so much of it in my district," Marcelle said. "It's disrespectful to the elderly, to young kids and to women." Her resolution, on the agenda for discussion Wednesday, says wearing saggy pants creates negative stereotypes and that "those who wear saggy pants are hurting their chances of becoming employable, educated and productive citizens." Marcelle said she'd like to pass a law allowing police to cite and fine people for wearing saggy pants that expose their underwear, but recognizes that constitutional issues prevent such a law (but that hasn’t stopped lawmakers recently). A public-awareness campaign is the next-best thing to try to get these young men to hitch up their pants, she said. Councilman Rodney "Smokie" Bourgeois and Councilwomen Donna Collins-Lewis and Ronnie Edwards say they support Mercelle's proposal. Then again, one of them answers to “Smokie”. What did “Smokie” have to say? "How are you going to get a job with your pants down around your knees?" Bourgeois asked (possibly adding later that they were looking like a fool with their pants on the ground). However, Councilman Scott Wilson questioned whether young people would pay any attention to the campaign, and said proper dress is something that should be dealt with at home, rather than by the council. The trend may be on its way out anyway, said Doze Y. Butler, professor of apparel, merchandising and textiles at Southern University. Fewer men wore saggy pants last semester on the Baton Rouge campus, she said. And, she noted, she saw a variant — "MC Hammer-type pants — on a study tour to Europe. They're baggy and have low crotches, but the waistlines are high enough to cover underwear, Butler said. "I think it's a trend that's finally moving on," she said. So we’ve heard from Doze, Smokie and a few other of the new generation of dwarves… but what do you think? Do we really need a Fashion Police? Or do the ladies need to just show off a little more cleavage to distract everybody away from some kids’ skid marks? I think you know where I stand.

Big Easy Update – New Orleans is about six weeks away for me… and I can’t wait. Especially after reading stories like this. Police in Louisiana say a woman stripped in the back seat of a cab, demanded the driver take her to her home state of Michigan and when he refused, stole his cab. Sounds intriguing, right? Well, let’s get the details. Covington Police Capt. Jack West told The Times-Picayune that the driver picked up 29-year-old Jennifer Gille of St. Clair Shores, Mich., about 1 a.m. Sunday (so drunk, right?). West says Gille refused to get out when they reached their destination, stripped and demanded the cabbie take her home (I probably would’ve heard that comment differently & would’ve “taken her home”). West said the driver went to a police station for help and when inside, Gille drove off. Police found the cab parked about a block away… and Gille was still naked (“Dear diary, jackpot!!!”). Police booked her on charges of unauthorized use of a movable vehicle and obscenity. She was released from jail late Tuesday on a $75 signature bond. No phone listing for her could be found in either state. What do I know about this story that the article won’t disclose? Jennifer Gille is hot. Probably SMOKIN’ hot. How do I know this? She stole a f**king cab… and was released on a $75 bond. Why? Because she was naked. No charges for grand theft auto, DUI, public indecency, etc. Only unauthorized use of a vehicle (the cabbie didn’t say she could drive… because she was drunk) and obscenity (probably said “F**k yeah” as drove off or something). Now… when I visit New Orleans in six weeks… and I steal a cab… while naked. I will bet you every penny that I will ever see in my lifetime, that I won’t be able to get out of it by pulling $75 out of nature’s pocket and saying “Thanks for getting me home safe & not driving me back to Utah. Go buy yourself something nice. Have you seen my pants?”

Dancing – By the way, not entirely sure why, but the role of the girl in that last story was played by Belle from my Mardi Gras trip last year, basically because I could see her doing something like that. Then I started thinking about us dancing during my visit and blowing her mind with my dance moves (by the way, I was totally drunk) and then I stumbled upon this article. Men hoping to impress women on the dance floor now have science to help them (finally, science can get me laid). A European study has found that men who move their necks and trunks (like my elephant trunk?) more to the beat are most likely to attract women. British and German researchers filmed 19 men, aged 18-35, with a 3-D camera system as they danced to a basic rhythm, and then mapped their movements onto featureless, white (racist?), gender-neutral humanoid characters, or avatars (no, not the blue cat-people things from that one movie). A group of 37 heterosexual women was asked to rate the dance moves of the avatars, which gave no indication of the men's attractiveness, to help identify the key movement areas of the bodies that decided if their dancing was "good" or "bad." "This is the first study to show objectively what differentiates a good dancer from a bad one. Men all over the world will be interested to know what moves they can throw to attract women," said psychologist Dr Nick Neave of Britain's Northumbria University in a statement. The study, which also involved German's University of Gottingen, found that eight movement variables made the difference between a "good" and a "bad" dancer. These were the size of movement of the neck, trunk, left shoulder and wrist, the variability of movement size of the neck, trunk and left wrist, and the speed of movement of the right knee (by the way, I just pictured Michael Jackson displaying all of these for your observation, then grabbing his crotch & squealing). The analysis was concentrated on three body regions: legs including the ankle, hip and knee, the arms with shoulder, elbow and wrist, and the central body with neck and trunk. The study found that female perceptions of good dance quality were influenced most greatly by large and varied movements involving the neck and trunk (of course, only a small percentage of us are blessed with an amazing trunk). The speed of the right knee movements were also important in signaling dance quality. A "good" dancer thus displays larger and more variable movements in relation to bending and twisting movements of their head/neck and torso, and faster bending and twisting movements of their right knee," the researchers said in a report published in the Royal Society Journal Biology Letters. Neave and fellow researcher Kristofor McCarty from Northumbria's School of Life Sciences said the study was the first to identify potential biomechanical differences between "good" and "bad" male dancers. Neave said he believed such dance movements may form honest signals of a man's reproductive quality, in terms of health, vigor or strength. He intends to continue research to grasp the implications, but studying dancing in a natural setting is hard as it then also brings in facial attractiveness, height, clothing and socio-economic status. "We now know which area of the body females are looking at when they are making a judgment about male dance attractiveness," he said. "If a man knows what the key moves are, he can get some training and improve his chances of attracting a female through his dance style." McCarty said it did seem that women appear to like and look for the same sort of moves. "From this, we predict that those observations have underlying traits associated with them but further research must be conducted to support such claims," he said. So… okay, is the scientific term for a torso what they’re calling the trunk? Okay, that’s what I thought. So… the key to wooing a woman with dance… is that they’re checking out my torso and my right knee? Thanks scientist. That’s the equivalent of saying that they’re checking out my abs and that veiny protrusion that I call a “trunk” going along my inner thigh to my right knee. Is that really a surprise? Guys do the same thing. We’re checking out the torso, starting with the breasts, down the backside, and a check along the inner thigh to the right knee, just in case we find a trunk. This is where short skirts are appreciated. What was my point? Oh I don’t think I had one again. Just dance, guys. Even if you suck, just have a little confidence in yourself. That’s what girls are gonna be more impressed with anyway… and don’t be afraid to shake your trunk… and do the Humpty Hump…

Humpty Hump Dino Update – Oh yes, my scientific article transitions are flawless. The weird world of dinosaurs has just gotten a tad more bizarre. Scientists found a nearly complete fossil of a new dinosaur that sports a noticeable hump, maybe as possible advertising. The hump on the dinosaur's back, which was at least 16 inches tall, may have been used to help this meat-eating theropod communicate among its own species, scientists theorize (aka pulled out of their ass). Discoverer Francisco Ortega of Spain named it Concavenator corcovatus which means "the hunchback hunter from Cuenca (Soon to be an erotic novel from Dr Love).” Ortega said the hump could have been used to store fat or regulate body temperature, but there is also the distinct possibility that it was used by concavenators to somehow differentiate themselves or communicate with each other. But with only one of these dinos, it's only speculation and is hard to figure out what the humps were meant to convey if they were tools of communication, he said. Paleontologist Paul Sereno at the University of Chicago, who wasn't part of the study, thinks the only conceivable explanation is "an advertising role" because it follows similar pointy fins on other dinosaurs. "It is an ornamental crest that helps to distinguish the individual," Sereno said in an e-mail. "Perhaps it was brightly colored, perhaps it would have been well maintained and large in strong, healthy individuals." If that's the case, the hump could easily have been spotted from afar, Ortega said. "It's really big," Ortega said Wednesday, while possibly rubbing his nipples. "It's very, very impressive." The 20-foot-long, two-footed dinosaur was from about 125 million years ago and was found in Spain, The discovery is reported in Thursday's issue of the journal Nature. It is the most complete skeleton of a meat-eater yet, scientists say. Sereno called it "a spectacular specimen, a very great discovery." This is the only fossil of its type, but Ortega said it's unlikely to be an individual deformity and more likely to be a new type of dinosaur. And the hump is not the only strange feature of concavenator. On its arms it has knobs that seem like proto-feathers, giving more evidence of the connection between early theropods and birds, Ortega said. Because of the lack of scales and likelihood of feathers, Sereno said he would put this creature "at the base of the theropod (meat-eating) branch of the dinosaur family tree." This story goes on to support my claim that… scientists really are just guessing when it comes to dinosaurs. Maybe the hump was used to regulate body temperature (like Dimitrodon). Maybe it was like a crest, used to show ones prowess and for mating selection. Maybe it was brightly colored. Maybe it was used to communicate between others in the species. Maybe it was used to store water for a long trek across the desert. Maybe it was the reptilian equivalent of a badonkadonk & they just unearthed the J-Lo of the Mesozoic Era. Maybe it would inflate and combined with the feathers allowed them to fly. Maybe it was used to tenderize their meat before they ate. Maybe it housed a second brain… and this one picked up radio signals from Pterodactyl satellites. Maybe the bones you found just didn’t fit together and instead of admitting it, you found a new species. Maybe this Quasimodo Rex doesn’t like you singling him (or her) out as a new species, just because he had horrible posture. The possibilities are endless. But hey, I wanted to show you an artist rendering of the new Beyonce-saurus.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Enough of my rambling for one evening. Tomorrow starts the visitation with my brother, so if you don't hear from me in a while... it's probably because we're either having LOTS of fun... or I'm in jail for his mysterious disappearance. Either way, have a great night everybody!!!

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