Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Machete Kills Again

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, I’m back. Have actually been back since Monday night… but have been scrambling to catch up at work & home alike. My brother may be coming to start his loitering tomorrow… and with a new added twist, he’s invited his “friend” J-Ron. Wonder where he’s going to stay… because it’s not going to be at my apartment. I’ve already got a roommate… and one thing he’s got on both of them, he pays rent. At least it’s the off-season here now so they can get a good deal at a motel. Anyway, enough of that, FOOTBALL HAS BEGUN!!! But the Eagles lost and the quarterback & middle linebacker have concussions already… but watch out for Michael Vick to complete his comeback story with an MVP trophy this year. Sound crazy? Crazier than Arian Foster running for 250 and 3 TDs against the Colts? Yeah, you just watch.

Thursday morning, I awoke to snow on the ground. No joke. Just a little dusting… but being early September, it was enough for me to realize that winter is coming up quick. Don’t worry, by the time I got to Reno 45 minutes later, it was well into the sixties. Read an article on the airplane that made me want to learn Origami and Magic again… but by the time I finished turning a dollar bill into a bear, I landed back in Slick City. My dad picked me up at the airport, then I went to my old job to see how everybody was doing (and gloat about how awesome Tahoe is). The Mad Scientist even showed up to turn in his badge & gun (as so many of us have done after years of service) and he will be moving to Twin Falls, Idaho. Don’t cry for him though. He’ll be financially compensated & surrounded by college girls. He’ll be fine. The former Boss Ladies & I chatted for a while (poor creatures) and then I hung out with JL Clyde, Captain Monty & others for a bit. Then I returned to my dad’s so that we could watch a little football before I met up with JL Clyde for Simply Sushi… making her laugh the entire time… except for when I would make fun of H.P. Lovecraft or H.R. Huffenstuff or whatever that author’s name was. What did she expect? I can barely read & she told me about a story of a man who burned himself alive because his grandpa (played by Sean Connery in my mind) banged a gorilla. Oh sorry, spoiler alert.
Hmm, this place looks familiar...

Friday, I spent the morning (and early afternoon) watching TV & college football with my dad before my mom picked me up and we went to the family reunion in Delta. Mid-story twist that was thrown at me… the niece & nephew wouldn’t make it to the reunion because they were sick. Lame, right? Well, I went… and basically got good and drunk with my redneck family around the fireplace, froze my sack off in the camper trying to sleep & then left the next day with the Wingmans. Kind of a quick summation… so here are some pictures, which are allegedly worth approximately 1000 words each…
Yes, that's our firewood...and yes, it's toxic
How many kids can YOU fit on a golf cart?
A Redneck Choo-choo... and that IS me in the back
A smoke angel...

Saturday, I spent the morning hanging with the family, then while we were cooking breakfast, a silence fell over the family (which is an occasion when we’re together). I was in the camper when I heard a commotion outside the windows. “Who is that? Did somebody call the cops? Get the booze away from the kids! Hide the brownies!” and the like. That’s when I knew… the Wingmans had arrived in their Crown Victoria. “Love? I’m looking for a Doctor Love?” So I went out to greet them and their two oldest and we chit chatted for a while before heading to Slick City. Now, you may remember that we were going to attend the 1st Annual SLC Beer Festival. We got the tickets beforehand at a discounted rate of $25, but then found… that like EVERYTHING potentially good & fun in Utah, it’s horribly managed. By which I mean, it was from 1 PM to 6 PM. Period. Yes, a beer festival… that’s over before dinner. Take into account that we were driving across the state to attend, we got there around 5:15 PM… and it goes without saying… but we were basically beer bonging for a half hour on an empty stomach before they start closing up shop EARLY. That being said, some great beer on display… and more time would’ve been nice… but good times.
Number one sign you're back in Utah...
Two things I love - Graffiti & Boobs

After getting a good buzz on in record time, we strolled around downtown on our way to Buca di Beppo for dinner (we needed some good greasy food to help out Mrs Wingman… because she was keeping pace with the big boys). Our waiter was amazing… and pretty much because he was quitting in a few days (and we saw him at the festival minutes earlier), so we got a LOT of free food. Oh… and I finally met my twin brother Danny DeVito
That's a lot of cinnamon... and tiramisu
"OMG!!! It's Danny Devito!!!"

After dinner, we hit up the hot tub at the Residence Inn, which shares a parking lot with my old apartment, so it was just like old times… with the hot tub closing at 10 PM for some reason… but it’s okay, because we had things to do at 10:15 and that was watch “Machete” starring Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey and Robert DeNiro. For those of you who haven’t seen the preview (multiple times on my blog), it’s about a former federale (Trejo) whose family was killed while trying to take down a Mexican druglord (Seagal, of course). He’s passing time in Texas as a day laborer, when a man (Fahey) gives him $150,000 to assassinate a Texas senator (DeNiro). He’s double crossed… and they soon realize, as the tagline indicates, they f**ked with the wrong Mexican. Along the way he meets up with (and f**ks) an INS agent (Alba), a revolution leader (Rodriguez) and an over privileged drug addict (former friend of the blog, Lindsay Lohan, in the role she was born to play). Oh… and her mom. “Where’s my wife & daughter? (Bow chicka bow wow…)” So yeah, basically it was a fantastic movie for what you expect. You’re not expecting DeNiro to win an Academy Award. You’re not expecting a provocative look on racism in America that will get this flick nominated for Best Picture (like “Crash”). You want to see supreme female nudity, decapitations, badassery, big guns, cheesy one liners, explosions, more nudity, and you most certainly get it. I highly recommend this movie. I will be purchasing it the DAY it comes out.

Side note: So… I’m thinking at least one of you out there have seen this movie already… and I just had a quick question. You know when you first see Machete as a day laborer… and he’s checking out Luz (Rodriguez). In the previous scene when his wife is killed in front of him… and Torrez (Seagal) asks him about his daughter being at school… but then it’s roll intro credits. Was I the only one that thought Luz was going to be Machete’s daughter (granted it was only 3 years later & Luz was in her twenties)? Yeah, I thought that up until the moment they f**ked. Don’t know why. Maybe I’m just crazy.

Sunday, we woke up, had some fantastic breakfast at the Residence Inn (seriously, biscuits & gravy with waffles, mmm…) and then headed across the street to the Greek Festival. There, we walked through the Orthodox Church & Museum (seriously had never checked it out though I lived across the street for 6 months) then enjoyed dancing & Greek food. Here are some pictures…
That is one pimpin' chalice...
Can you find the one that hasn't hit puberty yet?
They wouldn't let me do this with the other chalice

After the festival, I borrowed my dad’s spare car and drove up to my mom’s house to spend some time with my brother, niece, nephew & my buddy Chris. For those of you who don’t remember, I have a restored 1969 Pontiac LeMans named Baby that I gave to my mom to store while my living situation was in flux (past two years). Well, instead of putting it in a garage like she said she would do, it’s been sitting outside… at the base of a ski resort for those two years. Nice, right? Well, Chris was determined to get her running, so we cleaned out the wasp nests (oh yes, this is no joke) and got her running (all she needed was a battery) and we drove it down the road and back… but no further because the tires are weather-rotted to all hell. Thanks mom. Love you. At least Baby has a place to stay until I get my life in order (or whatever). Anyway, here are some pictures…

I also got to spend some time hanging out with my niece & nephew… who missed me something terrible. We played outside while getting Baby running, I read them my favorite book as a kid (“Land of Sniggl-de-Bloop”) and gave them big hugs before they went to bed. The next morning, me, my mom & the kids went to have breakfast at Jutta’s German restaurant, which I guess opened up about 6 months ago there in Eden. Great food… and they speak German… and have a German Shepherd, which is all awesome. Afterwards we went to the park and rode the swings. My mom is also teaching my niece to call me “Stever Beaver” for some reason… but at least it’s cute when she says it. Good times. More pictures…

After that, I went back to Slick City to spend a few hours with my dad watching highlights from all the football that I missed before going to the airport and flying home. So yeah, that was the weekend in a nutshell. Pretty sweet… and everybody got a few hours of $teve time. Here’s the thing, if you want your uninterrupted $teve Time, you gotta come here to Tahoe. That’s just how it is. Back home, you and everybody else wants to hang with me… but if you visit me, then my boss is the only other one who wants anything to do with me… but I’ve got vacation saved up & I’m not afraid to use it. So keep that in mind when you’re planning your next vacation or need your $teve fix. So yeah, hundreds of work emails waiting for me when I got back… and already longing for my next vacation in four weeks when I got to San Fran for the Eagles game with my dad… and New Orleans a few weeks after. In the meantime though, at least my brother will be nearby to take up all my time in the most annoying fashion. Already miss all of you back in Utah. Have a great night everybody!!!

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