Enter the Double Dragon

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Sigh… Well, my mom leaves for her month-long Asian Invasion Trip in the morning…but then I go and read something like this. Remember that crazy sh*t a few weeks ago about protestors in Bangkok? You know, where they were bleeding into jars and leaving pools of it at the steps of their government buildings? Yeah, that’s still going on…and the government has had enough of it…so they’ve basically declared Martial Law in Thailand. Awesome, right? Well, as you can guess, I’ve been in contact with the embassy and they assure me that at this point it’s just more military presence to preserve the peace or whatever…and they’ll keep me posted (via updates on their website). In the meantime, I’m reassuring my mom that it’ll be fine and she’s going to have a great time and ride a f**king elephant or something. I honestly told her that if it gets out of hand, to go hang out with the nearest elephant because those things are sacred to them. Hopefully it won’t come to that though…and she can be out of that crazy town of Bangkok in a few days and see what the world has to offer. Other than that, I’ve just been hella busy trying to get things squared away with work, the road trip, eating, keeping up with friends, women’s basketball championships, all the important stuff. So I guess I’ll just go into the news…

Passing of a Mankiller - Former Cherokee Nation Chief Wilma Mankiller, one of the nation's most visible American Indian leaders and one of the few women to lead a major tribe, died Tuesday after suffering from cancer and other health problems. She was 64. Mankiller, whose first taste of federal policy toward Indians came when her family ended up in a housing project after a government relocation project, took Indian issues to the White House and met with three presidents. She earned a reputation for facing conflict head-on. As the first female chief of the Cherokees, from 1985 to 1995, Mankiller led the tribe in tripling its enrollment, doubling employment and building new health centers and children's programs. "We feel overwhelmed and lost when we realize she has left us, but we should reflect on what legacy she leaves us," current Cherokee Chief Chad Smith said. "We are better people and a stronger tribal nation because her example of Cherokee leadership, statesmanship, humility, grace, determination and decisiveness." Mankiller met snide remarks about her surname — a Cherokee military title — with humor, often delivering a straight-faced, "Mankiller is actually a well-earned nickname." Continual struggles with her health appeared not to deter her. A 1979 car accident nearly claimed her life and resulted in 17 operations. She developed the muscular disorder myasthenia gravis and had a kidney transplant in 1990. Mankiller used some hospital stays to work on her autobiography with Michael Wallis, which came out in 1993. In "Mankiller: A Chief and Her People," she said she wanted to be remembered not just for being the tribe's first female chief but for emphasizing that Cherokee values can help solve contemporary problems. She once wrote, "Friends describe me as someone who likes to dance along the edge of the roof. I try to encourage young women to be willing to take risks, to stand up for the things they believe in, and to step up and accept the challenge of serving in leadership roles." Mankiller had also battled lymphoma, breast cancer and several other health problems. Last month, her husband, Charlie Soap, said that she had stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer. After that, Mankiller said she was "mentally and spiritually prepared for this journey." "I learned a long time ago that I can't control the challenges the creator sends my way, but I can control the way I think about them and deal with them," she said in a statement released by the tribe last month. "On balance, I have been blessed with an extraordinarily rich and wonderful life, filled with incredible experiences." Born at W.W. Hastings Indian Hospital in Tahlequah, Mankiller moved with her family to San Francisco in the 1950s when their farm failed. The pledge of opportunity turned out to be poverty in a housing project. She married and had two daughters, Felicia and Gina. In 1969, she got what she called "an enormous wake-up call" and took her first step into Indian activism by participating in the 19-month occupation of Alcatraz Island (remember the pictures from my trip a few weeks back? Indians were welcome). Seventy-nine Native Americans took over the site of the former federal prison to protest a policy that terminated the federal government's recognition of tribal sovereignty and the exclusion of Indians from state laws. The policy was based on the belief that Native Americans would be better off if they assimilated as individuals into mainstream American society. Mankiller moved back to her family's land in Oklahoma after getting divorced in 1975. A decade later, she succeeded former Chief Ross Swimmer, who had tapped her as his running mate because of her business savvy. During her re-election campaign, she pledged to improve the tribe's economic interests. As chief of the Tahlequah-based tribe, Mankiller was less of an activist and more of a pragmatist. She was criticized for focusing almost exclusively on social programs, instead of pushing for smoke shops and high-stakes gaming. Mankiller decided not to seek re-election in 1995, and accepted a teaching position at Dartmouth College in Hanover, NH, where she held an honorary degree. Among her other honors was a Presidential Medal of Freedom — the nation's highest civilian award — presented in 1998. A memorial service has been scheduled for Saturday at 11 a.m. at the Cherokee Nation Cultural Grounds in Tahlequah. The world has truly lost a great leader & defender of Native American rights. My condolences go out to her family, friends and the Cherokee Nation.

Double Dragon - Biologists on Wednesday reported the spectacular discovery of a species of giant lizard, a reptile as long as a full-grown man is tall, and endowed with a double penis (oh yeah). The secretive but brightly-colored beast, a monitor lizard, is a close cousin of the Komodo Dragon of Indonesia. But unlike the fearsome Dragon, it is not a carnivore, nor does it feast on rotting meat. Instead, it is entirely peaceable and tucks into fruit (whatever that means…but with a double rudder and the moist interior of most fruit, one can guess). Dubbed Varanus bitatawa, the lizard measures two meters (6.5 feet) in length, according to the account, published by Britain's Royal Society. It was found in a river valley on northern Luzon Island in the Philippines, surviving loss of habitat and hunting by local people who use it for food (and aphrodisiac, twice the meat of the average lizard). How many of the lizards have survived is unclear (head count gets too complicated). The species is almost certainly critically endangered, and might well have disappeared entirely without ever being catalogued had a large male specimen not been rescued alive from a hunter last June. Finding such a distinctive species in a heavily populated, highly deforested location "comes as an unprecedented surprise," note the authors, writing in the journal Biology Letters. The only finds of comparable importance in recent decades are the Kipunji monkey (not the Kwyjibo), which inhabits a tiny range of forest in Tanzania, and the Saola, a forest-dwelling bovine found only in Vietnam and Laos. V. bitatawa has unique markings and an unusual sexual anatomy, according to the study (and anybody else reading this). Its scaly body and legs are a blue-black mottled with pale yellow-green dots, while its tail is marked in alternating segments of black and green. Males have a double penis, called hemipenes, also found in some snakes and other lizards. The two penises are often used in alternation, and sometimes contain spines or hooks that serve to anchor the male within the female during intercourse (not so sexy now, is it?). V. bitatawa has a relative in southern Luzon, V. olivaceus, but the species are separated by three river valleys and a gap of 150 kilometers (95 miles) and may never have met up (or at least don’t speak of it). One reason that the new lizard has gone undetected, the researchers speculate, is that it never leaves the forests of its native Sierra Madre mountains to traverse open spaces. The discovery "adds to the recognition of the Philippines as a global conservation hotspot and a regional superpower of biodiversity," the authors conclude. The giant lizard should become a "flagship species" for conservation efforts aimed at preserving the remaining forests of northern Luzon, which are rapidly disappearing under the pressure of expanding human population and deforestation. How would that be? The conservational spokesanimal for your region is a giant lizard with six legs. So much for balding eagles and impotent pandas.

Blind Speed Record – Can’t get that image out of your head? Try this. Turkish pop-singer Metin Senturk became the world's fastest unaccompanied blind driver on Friday and said he felt he had danced with death. Senturk wept as he emerged from a Ferrari F430 at Urfa airport in eastern Turkey to learn from Guinness World Records officials his average speed of 292.89 kph (about 180 mph) broke the previous record of 284 kph, held by a British bank manager. "I don't think there are any words to describe this feeling. I am really happy. It was really hard, like a dance with death," said Senturk, who has been blind since the age of three. Following Senturk in a separate vehicle was former rally driver Volkan Isik, who guided the blind man by radio. That’s right, blind speed driving. Well, I think this record should be held by an American. So please, somebody get Stevie Wonder out to the Salt Flats, into a rocket car, and just obliterate this record. Oh, it has to be on a track? This was at an airport. It has to be on a road? Okay then, somebody get him to I-80 across Wyoming or Nebraska or something and just make sure he stays straight. Do I have to think of everything? By the way, anybody catch the mention of the blind British bank manager?

Bank Robbing Update – Know where I’m going with this? No, he didn’t get robbed. At least that I’m aware of. A gunman locked bank employees in a vault in Elkhart Lake, Wisconsin and left behind a package with flashing lights before stealing cash, while the bank manager unknowingly went about her business. Police Chief Randy Boeldt said the man, disguised with a wig and fake mustache and beard, entered the National Exchange Bank & Trust Thursday and ordered three tellers into the vault where he locked them behind a gate and told them it was no April Fools joke (just to clarify). Boeldt said the man left a box with flashing lights near the vault and told the tellers they would be electrocuted if they left before the lights stopped flashing. The Sheboygan Press reported the manager arrived at the bank, walked into her office and never saw a thing as the robber walked out the door. Do you feel safe? This really happened too. It’s no April Fool’s joke. A bank robber really showed up with a fake wig, beard, moustache, probably in an overcoat, all the usual clichés. The three tellers were really locked into a vault…and were really allegedly help captive with an alleged electro-bomb of some sort with flashing lights, which I’m sure he sacrificed a few children’s toys to collect. The bank manager really didn’t know that anything was going on as she went through her morning routine. And most importantly, the robber really got away with it. Honestly, I’m sure he was as surprised as everybody out there is that it actually worked out. “I can’t believe they fell for the electrocution thing. Oh well, I’m sure they’re paid by the hour…and they’re insured.” There’ve been a LOT of bank robbing stories recently, huh? I’d hate to think I was starting a trend. I’d much rather my legacy by the Pioneer of Panda Porn as it should be.

First Hottie Update – Ah, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy. The first lady of France. I never seem to mind when you make the news. So in addition to trying to find the “Termite gangs” that are robbing banks all over Paris, police are investigating who started rumors of infidelity involving President Nicolas Sarkozy and France's first lady that began on a blog (GASP!!!) and spread to newspapers overseas (since journalism is morte), the Paris prosecutor's office said Tuesday. Sarkozy's lawyer, Thierry Herzog, said in a radio interview Monday evening that he did not exclude the possibility the allegations of "totally unfounded liaisons" had been planted in a bid to take down the glamorous couple. The investigation was opened based on a complaint filed March 25 by the owner of a weekly newspaper whose blog carried the initial rumors that alleged that both the president and his wife, a former top model, were involved in relationships outside their marriage. Judicial police are handling the investigation, the prosecutor's office said after a complaint was filed for the "fraudulous introduction of information in a computer system," which apparently is against the law in France. The rumors were seeded in early March amid France's regional elections during which Sarkozy's conservative UMP party registered a resounding loss. "Tonight, I cannot exclude a plot or that some people, for personal or financial interests ... wanted to try to destabilize the president of the republic and his wife," Herzog said in an interview with RTL radio. British newspapers were among those that picked up the stories, though the mainstream French press largely shied away — except to write about the flurry of reports in Britain. Sarkozy's whirlwind romance and marriage in February 2008 to Bruni has been closely watched. It is his third marriage and she, in her younger years, famously dismissed monogamy as untenable (mmm… nice). In the face of the rumors, the couple have portrayed themselves as closely united. They were often seen holding hands during a trip last week to the United States that included a private dinner with the Obamas at the White House. The blog in question appeared March 10 on the Web site of the weekly newspaper Le Journal du Dimanche. The large media company that owns the Sunday paper, Hachette Filipacchi Medias, filed the complaint, opening the way to the probe (mmm… sorry, back on track). Hachette Filipacchi is owned by the Lagardere group, which is headed by Sarkozy's good friend, Arnaud Lagardere. A close aide to Sarkozy, Pierre Charon, told the Web site of the newsweekly Le Nouvel Observateur that "we want to get to the bottom of this. ... As the expression goes, fear must change camps." Reporters at the newspaper took exception to what they said was Charon's threatening tone. A statement from the journalists' union of Le Journal du Dimanche said the paper "has no need to cede to authorities' wishes or to pressure or threats from wherever they may come." It was unclear why the presidential couple did not initiate legal action themselves once the rumors cropped up. Ugh…maybe they had better things to do? Look, the internet is basically around for four things: Social networking, pornography, information & false information. It’s around for starting rumors. Especially about celebrities. Did you hear how Corey Haim really died? It wasn’t overdosing on drugs. He was saving a box full of kittens from an abandoned warehouse while it was aflame. Don’t believe me. Google it. By the way, Jeff Goldblum is watching you poop.

Jim & Jen Break Up – The only thing I hate more than a funny guy & a funny girl breaking up…is Twitter. Alas, the comedic genius Jim Carrey and his superhot girlfriend Jenny McCarthy broke up after five (torrid passionate fun-filled) years. The couple's separation seems amicable, according to their break-up tweets. Carrey posted, "Jenny and I have just ended our (five-year) relationship, I'm grateful (for) the many blessings we've shared and I wish her the very best!" And McCarthy shows her sentiment tweeting that she will, "always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart." Together they have spread much awareness for autism and showed a great love for humanity. Though not together in a relationship sense, let's hope they continue to remain strong in their efforts to lift up society. Now, is this a rumor? Remember my previous story? Huh? Celebrity power couple? Promoting good throughout the world? Guy who talks funny & a model? Similarities? No? Huh? Think about it.

Americanization of Vampires – That’s right, vampires. For centuries, America has taken other nation’s ideas…and perfected them. We took soccer…and made it football. We took pizza…and made it delicious. Then occasionally we destroy things. We take carry-alls…and make them man purses. We take beer…and we water it down (UTAH!!!). We take vampires, lords of great power who rule the night…and we turn them into sniveling teenage p**sies. And yes, I blame Anne Rice & Brad Pitt for starting it…but that’s another story. A British university is to hold a conference on Vampires in an effort to counterbalance the "Americanization" of the fictional genre. Delegates to the University of Hertfordshire's "Open Graves, Open Minds: Vampires and the Undead in Modern Culture" conference to be held on April 16-17 will have their food served to them out of coffins (my funeral will have a deli platter on my corpse) as part of a mission to encourage students of all ages to study literature. English lecturer Sam George, who has just launched a Master of Arts degree in vampire fiction at Hertfordshire, said the most famous vampire narrative of all, Dracula, was written by Irishman Bram Stoker and set in London and Whitby in Yorkshire, but that now with the "Twilight" saga and "True Blood," modern vampires have become Americanized (and moody b**ches). "It's amazing how many British actors have played Dracula on screen," George said in a statement on the university's website. "I aim to put the British vampire back on the map." George said she (yes, SHE) is particularly interested in the new teen vampire narratives which act as a useful metaphor for wider teen anxieties about their bodies and the first stirrings of desire. "The new breed of vampires are far from monstrous, they are glamorous and sexy and have an emotional side. Their (teenagers') attraction to vampire figures provides a safe way for them to acknowledge these desires." Conference lectures will be delivered by academics and author Marcus Sedgwick, who writes young adult fiction with a vampire twist. Now, here’s my favorite part. Panel topics during the two-day event will include "Dracula Lives," "Appetites of the Undead," "Undead Victorians," "Undead Teens," "Politics of the Undead," "Undead Romance," "The Gay Undead," "Undead TV," "Undead in the New Media," "Identity, Legality and the Undead" and "Gendering the Undead." I’m sure there will be a series of books titled “Pride, Prejudice & the Undead” will be coming out soon. I would thoroughly enjoy being in that group…but hey, it’s across the pond…and the Wingmans will be hanging with me those days. Also, imagine THAT degree on your resume, Master of Arts in Vampire Fiction. Great conversation starter, I guess. “Ah, so you do have a degree? Excellent. Ugh… really? Master of the Arts…in Vampire Fiction? Are you f**king with me right now? Cuz the last guy that interviewed claimed to have a Masters in Pimpology from Nuttingame University. He even claimed to be a doctor. What kind of a name is Mookie anyway? Yeah, I’m sorry, I just don’t buy it. Do you have any references?” Congratulations America!!! We’re locking down the market on vampires. Sure, I think Twilight is f**king retarded (and oddly enough, my stepmother & JL Clyde agree) but hey, dominance is dominance. So what next? We’ve got vampires, zombies, werewolves, Frankenstein monsters, mummies, ghosts (both Poltergeist & Swayze varieties), demons, dinosaurs, sharks, psychos, mutants, time traveling robots, I mean…we’ve got the whole horror industry on lock, right? Kudos! What else is there? Giant lizards that destroy cities? Cameras, video tapes & cell phones that can kill you? You can keep that crap, Tokyo. Well, to celebrate this conquering of the world of vampires (though I may not agree with all aspects), I thought I would celebrate the only way I know how…by showing pictures of sexy vampires…please enjoy…

Morticia was a vampire, right?

It doesn't matter. Gada mia...

So yeah, that’ll do it for today. Pray for my mom, stepdad & their friends…and of course the people of Thailand as well. Hopefully they can all get along peacefully and enjoy the fact that…they live in Thailand. Wish I was going with them…now to protect them more than be on vacation with them (that’s my story & I’m sticking to it). Seriously, the only hope my stepdad has of protecting them is if my mom hides behind him and they think he’s an elephant. “NO!!! Don’t shoot! Don’t hurt him. Let’s go over to the post office and write our names in blood on the sidewalk.” They’ll be fine. Can’t wait to see all of ya on my Road Trip…and my vacation basically starts in a week. Yippee!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Stop Kodokushi

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So how about that game last night? F**king awesome, right? I seriously thought that shot was going in at the end…and I was already picturing the movie based on it to be made in a few years…you know, like the final scene of “The Natural”, all slow motion, Matt Howard puts that enforcer screen on Kyle Singler (favorite part of the whole game), Hayward shoots, the ball flying gently through the air, twinkly orchestrated background music, shots of the kids’ parents, the coach, Coach K, the kid in the hospital bed, the mascot Blue II (tongue wagging of course), the men that “Hoosiers” was based on, announcers, the girl he promised to marry, the bully growing up, Old James, viewers in the hometown bar in Brownsburg Indiana, all staring up at the ball as it gracefully falls to Earth…and through the net as the shot clock and lights explode in a cloud of sparks, Gordon Hayward is tackled by his teammates, the big bad Duke team has been crushed & they have to settle for their millions in the NBA, Butler hoists the championship trophy for one final photo fadeout centered around Blue II, roll credits. Alas, the shot just missed…and it became a heartbreaking tale with a Joss Whedon ending (except nobody dies). It could still make for a pretty good movie…but yeah, Duke won the championship. Congratulations to them…and sorry for calling you the big bad Duke…but that’s movie talk. Everybody likes the Underdog…which kinda made you the real Underdog. Either way, great story. Now we can all get back to talking about Tiger Woods or something better.

Like how about these recent updates to my Road Trip 2010. Last night, Lilie & I arranged a get-together with my former Boss Man B, who now lives in LA. Seriously, we were chatting on Facebook about setting something up with B since we hadn’t seen him since he moved out there…and his ears must’ve been burning because he then popped up on Facebook chat. That’s great and all…but there’s another development that just happened this morning. The few days before I start this EPIC road voyage, I will have some special guests here in Tahoe with me – The Wingmans. They’re coming to Reno to drop off some puppies from their fresh litter…and decided to just stay here for the weekend. What a way to kick off Road Trip 2010!!! That actually cut off a few days to the start of the festivities…so I guess it REALLY starts in a week. What does that mean? Well, for one, you may not hear from me on this blog for about a month…and then there’ll be a lot of pictures of my friends & me in compromising positions, beautiful landscapes, works of art, skyscrapers, funny signs, with complete narrations and additional anecdotes about the journey. All the wonderful things that you’ve come to expect from this blog with your membership fee…which I’m still waiting for my cut of. It’s going to be awesome. Anyway, don’t wanna oversell it just yet, here’s the news…

Saddamland – One place I won’t be visiting on this trip is Iraq (maybe another time). However, it might not be long before there are some intriguing attractions to get some tourism there (okay, probably decades at best). Saddam Hussein made his palaces a desert paradise, but now his hometown is seeking foreign investors to turn the late dictator's playground into a tourist Mecca. Local officials see the 76 abandoned Saddam villas sprawled across hundreds of brown acres as a potential gold mine for Tikrit's cash-strapped Salahuddin province. "These villas only need rehabilitation and a few other things to turn the whole area into a wonderful tourism site," Jewher Hamad al-Fahel, the head of Salahuddin's investment commission, told Reuters Television. Saddam built big at Tikrit, his tribal stronghold about 95 miles north of Baghdad. He put up six villas at his birthplace, the village of al-Awja, alone and made the Tikrit palace complex his largest. Boasting artificial lakes and date orchards, the site totals 136 buildings and covers more than 1,000 acres, according to the U.S. Army. American troops used it as a base until turning it over to Iraqi authorities in November 2005. Now many of the sand-colored structures, often domed and turreted and with marbled interiors, sit decaying near the Tigris River. Some still show heavy damage from the 2003 U.S.-led invasion that overthrew Saddam. Salahuddin Governor Mutasher Hussein Allawi said he was eager to smooth the way for foreign investment in the villas since his budget was too small to rebuild decrepit infrastructure quickly. "Iraq needs huge investment companies, because the devastation that took place after 2003 is something terrible," he said. Foreign tourists to Iraq are overwhelmingly Muslim pilgrims visiting holy sites, with a handful of visitors drawn to ancient ruins. The number of religious visitors hit 1.25 million last year, more than doubling since 2007 as violence has eased, according to a Tourism and Antiquities Ministry spokesman. Iraqis seeking an in-country getaway tend to go to mountain areas in the north. Tikrit's would not be the first Saddam mansion to be turned into a resort. A guesthouse at a hulking palace at Babylon, 60 miles south of Baghdad, has become a popular spot for honeymooners (hmm, Saddam-y). Central and southern Iraq hold about 160 Saddam mansions, 60 in Baghdad alone. Those in the mainly Kurdish north have yet to be tallied. Seriously, how many houses did this guy need? So yeah, they want to turn a few of Saddam’s palaces into the next must see in Tikrit. I don’t see why not. I mean… there are plenty of tourist attractions out there that are very similar. Former royal palaces that have been turned into tourist traps, they’re all over the world. The Forbidden City in Beijing, the castles of Scotland, Versailles, Windsor Castle, Athens, Rome, those are just a few that I’ve actually been to. I say go for it. Anything to turn a buck in this down real estate market. I doubt anybody’s considering purchasing those homes, given how the previous owner was evicted…

Weekend at Bernie’s 3D – No, not a new movie thankfully. Police have arrested two women at a British airport after they reportedly tried to smuggle a corpse onto a flight. Police said Tuesday the women were detained at Liverpool's John Lennon airport "on suspicion of failing to give notification of death" of a 91-year-old man. The BBC and other British media reported that the women placed the man, a relative of theirs, into a wheelchair and covered his face with sunglasses in a bid to get him aboard a flight to Berlin. The women, aged 41 and 66, were detained Saturday and have been released on bail. They have not been charged and police say inquiries are continuing. Was it just cheaper than shipping the deceased? The sad thing is…it probably was. God, imagine the kind of fees and expenses if they tried putting him into several bags. I’m a little interested to know the back-story on this one. Did the two women accidentally kill him? Or did he die of natural causes and they just wanted to take him home to Berlin suburb of Schittzengiggles to be buried? Did they even know? Interesting indeed.

Text Safety – You always have to be careful with whom you text. For example, an errant text message is costing three New York drug-dealing suspects dearly. Police say the suspects made a mistake when trying to text a potential buyer and instead reached a task force agent in Dutchess County, about 50 miles north of New York City. The three were arrested after arranging a meeting with the agent, who pretended to be the buyer. Police say they recovered 60 bags of heroin (yeesh!). Task force Sgt. Brett Orlich says, "Their bad luck is our good luck." The three are due in town court in Pine Plains on Wednesday to face felony charges of criminal possession of a controlled substance. What are the odds? One number off on your text message (why I just do replies usually) and instead of sending a steamy sext to a girl you hooked up with last night whose number you got earlier at the club next to the speakers, you’re sending an in appropriate message to a high school gym teacher that may result in getting your ass kicked. Be careful out there.

Pedal Vision – It’s a shame that they didn’t get arrested in Phoenix. Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has started a program he calls "Pedal Vision," in which inmates pedal stationary bikes to generate electricity for television sets. The bikes are customized to turn on connected TV sets once inmates at Phoenix's Tent City Jail pedal enough to generate 12 volts of electricity. An hour of pedaling equals an hour of television. Arpaio said inmates only will be able to watch television if they choose to pedal (so no freeloaders). He said he started the program with female inmates because they seemed more receptive (and he just wanted to see them work out…which is understandable). Arpaio said the only exercise female inmates have been getting is speed-walking around the tent yard. He said Pedal Vision gives them a reason to get moving and a way to burn calories. I love this idea. I kinda want a stationary bike in my living room now…but that ain’t gonna happen any time soon. However, I am planning on getting a bike to explore the area during the summer…so we’ll see what I can find for a good deal. Can’t wait for summer to officially start. I’d imagine the bike might be really loud and irritating if it’s anything like those bikes at the gym. I don’t know, maybe they got over that with headphones or something. Still, great idea. TV is a privilege, not a right.

Psychic Update – I may give a lot of crap to our legal system…but I still think it’s a lot better than a lot of places. Particularly better than in the crazy world of the Middle East. For example, Ali Sabat, the Lebanese host of a popular TV show, for years gave his viewers psychic advice and predictions. This may cost him his life. Many people around the world claim to foretell the future, talk to the dead, and do other amazing (if scientifically unproven) feats. So what's the problem? Sabat is a Shiite Muslim, and many Muslims (as well as fundamentalist Christians) consider fortunetelling occult and therefore evil (“It’s the DEVIL!!!”). Making a psychic prediction is seen as invoking diabolical forces, perhaps even entering into a pact with Satan. Fortunetelling, prophecy, and other forms of divination have been condemned by Saudi Arabia's religious leaders (as well as kissing, teaching women to read, showing the neckline, eating pork, etc but spousal abuse & prostitution are a-ok). In 2008, while on a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia, Ali Sabat was arrested by that country's religious police, the Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice. His crime: Sorcery. Yes, people can still be accused of practicing witchcraft and condemned to death for it nowadays. According to the human rights group Amnesty International, a court last month upheld Sabat's death sentence, with the judges deciding "he deserved to be sentenced to death because he had practiced 'sorcery' publicly for several years before millions of viewers." Hopefully Lance Burton isn’t using his free time to make a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia. He was scheduled to be publicly executed last Friday, but his beheading was deferred. Sabat is not out of trouble; he did not receive a reprieve, merely a temporary stay of execution. Here’s the twist, Sabat might save his life if he confessed that his psychic predictions and powers were all a hoax (or an act merely for entertainment) and therefore not a true exhibition of occult powers. Hopefully Sabat's death sentence will be repealed, but it does seem odd that his psychic powers didn't predict this travesty in the first place. F**ked up, right? You know, I’ve often thought that John Edwards & Sylvia Browne and psychics like these are basically full of sh*t…but do I want them to be publicly beheaded for entertainment purposes only? Of course not. Seriously, is Saudi Arabia just behind a few centuries? Yeah, we had the Salem witch trials and it’s basically the same thing…but since then we have things like science and logic. I’m not saying that we’re without flaws. Not by any means. But sorcery? Really? Because he guessed the month you were born in? Because he knew your wife would wear black? Because he knew tonight’s dinner involved some sort of flatbread? Because he knew your brother was named Mahmoud and had a moustache? Because he guessed your number between one and ten? Did he find your card? Seriously? Sorcery? Sigh… some people are just crazy. Then again, maybe he did form a pact with Satan…then I would look quite foolish in hindsight.

Lonely Deaths – Okay, I’m gonna turn it down for a minute here…but please bear with it. It’s important. In the 1990s, Taichi Yoshida, the owner of a small moving company in Osaka, Japan, began noticing that many of his jobs involved people who had just died. Families of the deceased were either too squeamish to pack up for their dead relatives, or there wasn't any family to call on. So Yoshida started a new business cleaning out the homes of the dead. Then he started noticing something else: thick, dark stains shaped like a human body, the residue of liquids excreted by a decomposing corpse. These, he learned, were kodokushi, or 'lonely deaths.' Now he has seen plenty - these deaths make up 300 of the 1,500 cleaning jobs performed by his company each year (that’s 20%, one in five). The people die alone, sprawled on the floor beside crumpled clothing and dirty dishes, tucked beneath flowery bedspreads, slouched against the wall. Months - even years - can pass before somebody notices a body. On occasion, all that's left are bones. "The majority of lonely deaths are people who are kind of messy," says Yoshida. "It's the person who, when they take something out, they don't put it back; when something breaks, they don't fix it; when a relationship falls apart, they don't repair it." In Japan, kodokushi, a phenomenon first described in the 1980s, has become hauntingly common. In 2008 in Tokyo, more than 2,200 people over 65 died lonely deaths, according to statistics from the city's Bureau of Social Welfare and Public Health. Today, 1 in 5 Japanese is over 65; by 2030 it will be 1 in 3. With senior citizens increasingly living away from family and a nationwide shortage of nursing homes, many are now living alone. "There is a kind of myth that older people in Japan are living in three-generational families, but that's not so anymore," says Takako Sodei, a gerontologist with Ochanomizu University in Tokyo. Japan's two-decade economic slump is not helping. The collapse of the bubble economy after 1990 shrunk the size of Japanese firms and led to a restructuring that is still playing out today. The percentage of the workforce employed in part-time, temporary and contract work has tripled since 1990, forcing workaholic Japanese businessmen, many of whom never married, into a lonely early retirement. "Their world has evaporated under their feet," says Scott North, an Osaka University sociologist who studies Japanese work life. "The firm has been everything for these men: their sense of manliness, their social position, their sense of self is all rooted in the corporate structure." Several years ago, Tokyo's bustling Shinjuku ward began a lonely-death awareness campaign. It hosts social events to draw people from their apartments, distributes a newsletter to the elderly and monitors their well-being by, for example, checking to make sure they're taking out their trash. Other wards have followed suit, but as accurate lonely-death statistics are often unavailable, success is difficult to measure. "If you live alone, it's inevitable that you may die alone," says Yoko Yokota, assistant supervisor of the ward's senior-citizen-services division. "What Shinjuku ward wants to do is increase the chance that people will notice." As lonely deaths have continued, Yoshida's work has gained nationwide attention. A recent novel based on his life may be turned into a movie (with ninjas & vampires?) and a television series about his business is also in the works, but not everyone regards his service as a good thing. Several hundred years ago, the Japanese witnessed death regularly, with bodies buried by family members and samurai displaying severed heads in public. These days, such moments are rare. Such ceremonies would give "an opportunity to think about the dead person," says Masaki Ichinose, a University of Tokyo philosopher and head of the university's Institute of Death and Life Studies, founded in 2002 to encourage more national conversation on death. Building a business around the dead, as Yoshida has, is an unglamorous and oft-maligned profession, as depicted in Departures, the Japanese film that won an Oscar last year for Best Foreign Film, which follows an unemployed cellist who takes a job getting corpses ready for funerals. "The film has created interest in this profession," says Ichinose, "but most people still tend to avoid the topic." Ichinose speculates the kodokushi trend might be connected to Japan's contemporary cultural habit of ignoring death, and a possible avenue of research for the Institute of Death and Life Studies. "I don't know why but people don't want to see a dead body and, in general, they don't want to talk about death." Okay, thanks for reading… now it’s my turn.

As a young man quickly approaching thirty, do I think about dying alone? I’m not going to lie. Occasionally I do. Do I sometimes think that I spent too much of my early years focusing on my education or career instead of going out and partying all the time? The thought has obviously crossed my mind. Why am I not too worried about this situation? Because of my wonderful family and friends who I think of just about every moment of every day. I am eternally grateful for all of you (though only a few of you read this gibberish). When a day goes by that I don’t hear from my mom, my dad, my brother, the Wingmans, Bubbles, Filly, JL Clyde, Lilie, and many others, I tend to worry about them…and that’s why you often get those annoying text messages & phone calls from me. Deal with it. Now that I’m reading that some of my worst fears are simply a way of life in Japan, I’m disheartened. Are people so focused on their careers, their lives, their problems, that they don’t think about their family? Their future? Moving out here was a tough move for me. Sure, I made it sound all light hearted & a win-win situation most of the time…but I was really scared (as Bubbles can attest to during my visit in November). Why? I’m not the most outgoing guy in the world. I’ll make awkward social advances from time to time…and I’m not afraid to casually strike up a conversation…but I’m not exactly Captain Icebreaker or anything. “Here, can you hold this? That’s weird. I’m $teve.” Not me. Sure, I’m funny, charming, fairly intelligent & easy on the eyes…but I figure if somebody wanted to talk to me, that’d give me a pretty obvious sign…or, I don’t know, talk to me. That’s just how I roll. Is it the best way? Probably not. However, I still try…because you never know when you’ll find that friend for life. I had no idea when I met my Wingman a few years back that we would even be friends. Classmates & coworkers have come and gone…and some of the best of them have stuck with me even though we live in different parts of the world (thanks Facebook). Believe me, all of my past girlfriends were HUGE surprises. “Really? You had a crush on ME? For how long? Me too. We could’ve been doing this long ago.”

I guess I have a few points to this whole rant. First, thank you to all of my friends & family out there. You have no idea how much you mean to me…and I can only hope that I can pay you back by being your friend, brother, son, mentor, president, whatever. Secondly, don’t be afraid to share the Love. Make sure the people in your life know how much they mean to you. Great friends are hard to come by. So appreciate the ones that you have. I’ve truly been blessed. So why do I worry about dying alone? I think it’s a natural concern…but it shouldn’t be dwelled upon or anything. We all want to live on with those that we care about…and I’m just saying, enjoy it. Job getting you down? Call a friend. Money concerns stressing you out? See if your friend would consider renting out their basement. Just not feeling it today? Call $teve. He’s always good for a laugh. I don’t know, I guess…just thank all of you. From the cockles of my heart, thank you. I can’t wait to see…well, just about all of you during my road trip starting in just over a week. I love you all madly…and if you ever need anything, all you have to do is call me…or answer the phone when I call. Have a great day everybody!!!

Why the Eagles Did It

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was a big day. First & foremost, it was Bone Junior’s birthday, which gets precedence over Zombie Jesus Day or Easter or whatever you call it. Hopefully she had a great weekend despite…ugh, I don’t even want to talk about it quite yet. I haven’t had my coffee… in about twenty years. So let’s start with the rest of the weekend. Saturday, I went for a stroll along the Truckee River after the snow storm Friday…and it was gorgeous. Here are some pictures…

After that, I basically just stayed in, watched the Final Four, and saw a few movies. First was “Street Kings” starring Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Chris Evans, Hugh Laurie and a pretty good ensemble cast. It’s about a loose cannon cop (Reeves) whose wife’s recent death has caused his life to go a little crazy (mostly because of alcoholism & an itchy trigger finger) and then he finds himself in the middle of an investigation into the gruesome murder of a former partner (Terry Crews). In order to clear his name, he has to find out who murdered him & get revenge…but he may not like what he finds out. This movie was recommended to me by my roommate because we share a love for movies like “Seven”, “Boondock Saints”, “The Departed”, “The Usual Suspects”, “Serpico” and stuff like that…but a lot of cop dramas get too damn predictable, cheesy, clear cut good & bad, and are generally disappointing. This one wasn’t disappointing. Granted, there were a few parts that could’ve been better portrayed (but let’s face it, Keanu was the star) but all in all, a great little cop drama movie that I highly recommend.

The next movie was “Armored” starring Matt Dillon, Laurence Fishburne, Fred Ward, Skeet Ulrich, Jean Reno and Columbus Short. This movie is also directed by Nimrod Antal, who did “Vacancy” and is directing the “Predators” movie coming out in a few months…so I had to see his skills. The story is about a security guard (Short) who has fallen on some hard financial times with the death of his parents and taking his mischievous little brother under his wing. How is he going to make ends meet? Is he going to lose his brother to the system? Well, his security guard buddies have a plan…to steal an armored car shipment of $42 million and split it amongst themselves…and make it look like they got robbed. He’s hesitant at first…but then decides to go through with it. Well, right in the middle of it, he b**ches out…and now his friends aren’t going to go to jail for him or anybody. Now, this is where I pull out the spoiler alert…but let’s face it, you know how it’s going to turn out anyway. I mean…the movie was pretty good, there were some sweet armored car chases, craftiness, overall a great little action flick…but my beef isn’t with the director or the actors or anything…but the plot & movie in general. Okay, so basically as they’re stashing the money in an abandoned warehouse, a homeless guy sees them…and he gets killed because…well, I’m not going to jail for that guy, right? That’s when good guy flips and basically decides, we should just all go to jail for witnessing this homeless guy get killed, abort the plan to become rich and I’m going to lose my brother to the system because I’ll be involved in a robbery-homicide case for the rest of my life. Yeah, that’s where I lost my interest in him. Next, he locks himself in one of the armored cars and sets off an alarm that brings a nearby cop into the mix…and skip ahead to the ending where all of his friends are dead, the cop he brought into it is seriously injured (and probably would’ve realistically died), he blew up the $42 million cash & both armored cars, the homeless guy’s still dead, and basically the movie ends with him in the hospital near where the cop is…and he apparently tells his boss (Ward) the story…and he walks out and says, “There’s talk of a reward” and then walks off. REWARD FOR WHAT? For killing all of your friends (by the way, putting your boss in a tight spot for finding replacements), blowing up a shipment of $42 million (as opposed to just redistributing it), blowing up the expensive transport vehicles, and there’s no way that you’re going to be able to keep your brother (or your job) after being involved in this. Oh…and then the alternative was to take your cut of $7 million and live a life of luxury. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me…but I’m thinking that my friends would’ve much rather taken their chances with maybe getting caught and maybe going to jail…then to be killed…or maybe just get away with it. It’s happened before. Anyway, the movie was okay…but the whole moral thing of it was lost on me. Good for you, you allegedly did the right thing…or did you? Don’t expect a sequel.

Back to the weekend. Sunday morning, I woke up and made some Deviled Eggs, bacon, and pancakes for me and my roommate. Here’s something you might want to know. How do you make Deviled Eggs even better? How about put some crispy bacon on top? I know, right? I swear I had a new idea for my future restaurant where I dipped that in a deep fryer, cover it in chocolate, a little whipped cream and sprinkles…and it shall be named “Call 9-1-1” or something. Anyway, while cooking, I got the cutest voicemail from my niece Kairi saying, “Unko $teve, pick up the phone. Hey! Hey! Pick up the phone! $tevie, pick up the phone. Happy East-oh! Are you gonna come over after you take a shower?” Isn’t that just the sweetest thing ever? She’s used to me being there for all the holidays…but yeah, not this time. So I called her up and chatted (with Vinny too) and get this, when my mom came to visit a few weeks ago, she stashed an Easter basket in a closet…so I had a few treats from her. My family rocks! I can’t wait to see the kids again in a few weeks. Oh…and here are a few pictures…

The rest of the day was snowing outside so I stayed indoors, watched Starship Troopers (the greatest bad movie ever?) and Starship Troopers: Marauder on TV, worked out pretty much all day (didn’t want a heart attack based on my breakfast) and then while pretending I was practicing for the NFL Combine, I noticed a Special Update on the bottom of the screen. And Bone Junior, I’m sorry for making you go through this again…but it’s the best way to cope. Apparently, the Philadelphia Eagles traded Donovan McNabb, the 6-time Pro Bowl quarterback and lynchpin of the franchise for over a decade. It was bound to happen. Apparently the Eagles have a strict policy on making sure that they have no players over the age of 30 and no receivers over six feet tall. However, they traded him…to their bitter rivals the Washington Racists…so they’ll play each other TWICE this year…and every other year. Why? These are best reasons that I can come up with…

1. Donovan McNabb has lung cancer and will be dead within six months, unlikely but possible. Or maybe he really is more injured than he lets on and the Eagles weren’t planning on resigning him next year and they figured they could get a few draft picks for him.


2. Kevin Kolb is the 2nd coming of Joe Montana and he’s just been playing like he has to throw everybody off


3. McNabb will sabotage the Redskins from the inside. Clinton Portis will come down with a sickness so bad even HE can’t get a thousand yards in Shanahan’s running game, passes will go the receivers’ knees since the quarterback’s not used to receivers so tall, and Albert Haynesworth will be even worse thanks to supplemental income from an anonymous donor.


4. Jerry Jones has secretly purchased the Eagles


5. The Eagles are clearing cap space in order to go after LeBron James next year


6. The Eagles are going to draft Tim Tebow with the 37th pick for two reasons – Provide Michael Vick with somebody he can go to for advice (“I really want to do this…but I thought, what would Tebow do?” “Let us pray, Michael”) and have somebody even MORE holy than Santa Claus that Eagles fans can throw snowballs at in December.
   
7. Coach Andy Reid is a Cylon


8. The thought of going to the Oakland Raiders instead was just unbearable


9. Maybe I’m just sentimental and overreacting, not seeing that this is a mutually beneficial trade for both franchises…and maybe the Eagles plan on resigned McNabb after next year or something.


10. The Eagles have given up
    
    

Anyway, enough about all that. You probably don’t care anyway…or know that I’m talking about sports. Other than that, it was just a pretty standard weekend with some wonderful winter weather. Granted, I didn’t think it was that wonderful this morning when I had snow in my driveway up over my knees and had to chisel Gretchen out of a snow fort… but hey, it wasn’t that bad or a drive once I got out of the driveway as usual. So, here’s some more news…

Breast March - About two dozen women drew a crowd of onlookers when they shed their shirts and marched downtown in Maine's largest city to promote what they call equal-opportunity public toplessness. Organizer Ty MacDowell (ugh, a dude?) said the point of Saturday's march in Portland was that a topless woman out in public shouldn't attract any more attention than a man who walks around without a shirt (and yet they do, because they’re f**king gorgeous). The Portland Press Herald reports that by the end of the march, more than 500 people had amassed — a mix of marchers, young men snapping photos, oglers and people just out enjoying a sunny, warm day (I was a little worried when I heard this was in Maine). It's not illegal for a woman to be topless in public in Maine, and police said there were no incidents or arrests. So what’s the point? NOTHING!!! Women walking around topless for no reason whatsoever other than to say, “Hey, I can do this too, prudes!!!” I like it. I love it. I want some more of it. I want a Million Boob March on Washington. Let’s see if THAT makes the evening news across the globe. Also, who are these people that are discriminating against women that wander around topless? I could see a woman breastfeeding at church and just think how lucky I was to be in a man’s house that I’m so thankful for. I could see a woman hiking topless in the Sierra Nevadas here…and think nothing of it other than, “I hope she has suntan lotion on. Excuse me, Miss? Do you need a fresh coat?” When I’m watching National Geographic and see women bucky naked making dinner, I’m not thinking “Cover up for God’s sake”, it’s more like “Man, we should find a way to clean those off with clean drinkable water.” I’m extremely pro-breast. You’ve got to let the girls breath. And I’m pretty sure that every last man in the world is with me…and the vast majority of women too. So what’s the big deal? Sure, I don’t expect to be at a restaurant and see eggs sunny side up or anywhere else where a shirt is required for service…but outside, I don’t see why not. As far as ogling goes, don’t you ladies ogle a bit when you see a guy walking around on the beach? That’s what I thought. So yeah, I think this movement needs to spread all over the world. I have a dream (all the time) where men & women… can live together… and can walk together… hand in hand… free of the oppression of cotton & polyester fibers… free of the restrictions of undergarments… free from the scrutiny of a misinformed prudish minority… and then my friends, we shall ALL be free. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, free at last.

P.S. If you think that was in bad taste, you should’ve seen the version that was almost word for word with the MLK speech involving breasts “sweltering with the heat of oppression” of sports brassieres and a variation of “every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain and the crooked places will be laid straight…and the glory of God shall be revealed and all flesh see it together.” That might’ve been too much. Definitely too much to read. This is also why I’m proud to be an American…because not everybody in the world has NEARLY the liberal rights that I do.

Kissing Jail Update – Remember a few weeks ago when I told you about the couple who were arrested for kissing in public in the beautiful city of Dubai? Well, a Dubai appeals court on (Easter) Sunday upheld a one-month prison sentence for a British couple convicted of kissing in a restaurant. The pair landed in court after an Emirati woman complained about the public kiss, which the couple insisted was just a peck on the cheek. They were arrested in November and convicted of inappropriate behavior and illegal drinking (Were they 12? Damn dry countries). Cosmopolitan Dubai has the most relaxed social codes in the conservative Gulf, but authorities enforce strict decency laws and regularly crack down on people accused of pushing the limits, which can include everything from wearing a mini skirt to losing one's temper in traffic (Really? Road rage?). As recently as Sunday, though, a young Italian-Iranian couple could be seen kissing among the visitors to the 127th floor observation deck of the Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest skyscraper (pictured here). Last month an Indian couple was sentenced to three months in jail for exchanging steamy text messages (how the f**k did they know & why do they care?). In 2008, two Britons accused of having sex on the beach got three months in jail, though their sentences were later suspended (but the sexters stayed in jail for 3 months). Ayman Najafi and Charlotte Adams — both in their 20s — were arrested after an Emirati woman claimed they exchanged a passionate kiss in a restaurant where she and her daughter were having dinner. Najafi and Adams attended Sunday's hearing, but did not speak. Their lawyer, Khalaf al-Hosany, told the court in a previous hearing that they kissed on the cheek as a greeting and "never intended to break the law." Hell, I’d be surprised there WAS a law. Appeals court judge Iysar Fouad upheld the conviction, the jail time and a fine of 1,000 dirhams (about $270) each. They will be deported after serving their sentences. The couple has 30 days to appeal Sunday's ruling in a higher court. Their lawyer said Najafi and Adams were not in a relationship, but knew each other before they met in Dubai. Najafi worked for a marketing firm in Dubai and Adams was visiting the Muslim city-state with a Western outlook that has become famous for its beaches, ever-taller skyscrapers and anything-goes attitude. Yeah? How did that work out? Oh yeah, jail for kissing some guy you had dinner with. You know what? Maybe I don’t want to go see what all the fuss is about in the Middle East. I’ve thought about visiting Egypt, Dubai, Doha, even the Holiest of Holy lands Jerusalem…but that’s like saying I want to go to Detroit…but it’s a thousand degrees, everybody’s sexually repressed & frustrated, people even forget why they blow each other up & there’s no booze. You know what I think of whenever the government tries to put more restrictions of alcohol, tobacco & firearms? Look at places like Saudi Arabia. Is that what you want (without the ocean of oil)? That’s what happens when people can’t express their feelings. There, I’ve said it. Feel free to fire back.

Bank Robbing Update – Apparently I wasn’t the only one that thought the robbery last week in France was a great idea. Would-be robbers armed with a pneumatic drill dug a tunnel from a Paris subway station into the basement of a bank in the early hours of Sunday but failed to seize any cash or valuables, police said. The attempted robbery of BNP Paribas is the third time this year so-called "termite gangs" have tried to rob a bank by digging a tunnel into the building.
It is not known whether the three incidents are related. The gang dug into the bank's basement, possibly via the sewage system. They failed to enter the safety deposit room and nothing was taken, a BNP spokeswoman said. They aborted the attempt and started a fire to cover their tracks, which set off alarms and alerted police. Digging equipment, including a pneumatic drill, was found at the scene. "The individuals left the premises before they could reach the safety deposit room of the bank," Paris police headquarters said in a statement. Last weekend, a Credit Lyonnais branch in Paris was broken into by tunnel-digging robbers who cracked almost 200 private safes, according to police. A branch of Caisse d'Epargne in a Paris suburb was robbed at New Year in a similar fashion (while everybody was getting tipsy and singing “Auld Lang Syne”). French media have compared the cases to the "Spaggiari Affair," a heist masterminded by Albert Spaggiari more than 30 years ago in Nice. Then, a gang tunneled into the vault of a branch of Societe Generale during a public holiday, spent two days and two nights there and made off with about 24 million euros worth of cash and valuables. The heist spawned several books and movies. Is it the work of the same group…or copycats? You be the judge. I’m sure they’re discussing the moniker of the “Termite gangs” right now though. (By the way, this is in my horrible French accent) “What do they mean Termite Gang? We are professional robbers.” “What would you suggest our moniker be?” “How about…the Mole Men?” “Hey, I’m a woman. I distract the guards with These while you case the place.” “Mole people?” “That’s stupider than Termite Gang.” “Well what do you suggest, Pierre?” “The Worms of Provence.” “That’s the stupidest yet…and I don’t think any of us are from Provence.” “That’s why it’s perfect…and besides, I just like saying it. Provence… Provence…” “How about Tremors?” “Yes, like the Kevin Bacon movie. I like it.” “Hey, that’s just like my worms idea.” “Shut up!!! Your worms idea was f**king stupid. This also has the double meaning of earthquakes. There’s no stopping us. You can only sit back as we rock your world.” “That’s what she said.” “You leave Francesca out of this. Then it is settled. We will send a press release tonight declaring ourselves…the Tremors.” By the way, in French, Tremor is “secousse” pronounced se-kus…so it might still be cool. I don’t know, I’d have to hear Lilie pronounce it to know for sure.

Fox Update – There are a few things that everybody should know that $teve likes. Pandas, bacon, basketball, breasts (really any part of a woman’s body), the word “moist”, Elvis, Zepperella (coming back June 24th), bleu cheese, spooning, the sound of his name whether it’s whispered like a secret or squealed in Passion, and the like…but two major ones are Megan Fox & Redheads. Well, as you might’ve guessed, this entry has to do with those last two. Amid rumors that Rose McGowan is no longer interested in playing the part, the role of “Red Sonja" could end up being played by one of today's hottest stars, Megan Fox. Although Rose McGowan has previously confirmed that she is still attached to the project despite the production delay, new rumor has emerged, mentioning that the "Charmed" actress has dropped out of the project and the role has now been offered to the "Transformers" beauty. In March, Robert Rodriguez claimed "Red Sonja" was still put on halt because the company which owns the movie had "financing problems". However, an insider, The Hollywood Cog, tells Pajiba the truth behind the delay is that the previous incarnation of the "Red Sonja" remake has been scrapped and McGowan has been out. Moreover, it is said that director Douglas Aarniokoski has also left the project. However, the source insists "Red Sonja" is far from dead as Millineum Films is currently looking for a new writer. Fox has not been confirmed to take the lead role, but Pajiba claims the 23-year-old is far more appropriate to portray the "She-Devil with a Sword" character because the remake film will be about the origins of an innocent teenager who metamorphosizes into an unparalleled warrior (she dumps the guy from 90210 and hooks up with the mighty warrior, Dr Love). Megan Fox is set to reprise her role as Mikaela Banes in "Transformers 3" (working title is “T3: It Can’t Get Worse, Right?”) which is expected to start shooting this month. She recently was reported to have turned down an offer to replace Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft in upcoming "Tomb Raider 3" because she is afraid people will further talk about her likeness with the 34-year-old actress…so why would she seriously consider this if that were the case? So she could be compared to Bridgette Nielsen? Anyway, I’m sure it’s all stupid internet rumors…but that doesn’t make the pictures less appealing… mmm… Megan Fox as a redhead…

Big news!!! Bubbles has decided to take a job opportunity in San Francisco for a few months this summer…which means if either of us get bored on the weekends, we’re only a quick three hour drive from each other so I have a place to stay in San Fran & she’ll have a place to stay in Lake Tahoe. It should be a LOT of fun…and it’s also a great opportunity for her to work in a beautiful city while she considers her BIG move when this temporary position is up. I’m glad that she’s found something that works for her. Other than that, got about twelve days until my road trip starts…and I can’t wait. Have a great day everybody!!!

Salamanders & Marquis de Sade

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The weekend is officially here. Snow is flurrying about. So what does $teve have planned? The past few weekends have been painting the town red with my mom, a quick trip out to San Francisco and last week was…well, cleaning up the apartment & watching basketball mostly. So this weekend… I have no idea. It’s Easter Weekend, so I’ll be cooking up some tasty grub Sunday morning so the roommate & I can have simultaneous cardiac arrests due to the copious amounts of deviled eggs & bacon in our system…but as for tomorrow, I don’t know. Weather permitting, maybe go find a nice trail somewhere, go for a hike. Start finalizing plans for Road Trip 2010. Maybe sleep in, sit on my ass & do nothing…except work out or something. I get really antsy & can’t just sit or lie down for an entire day. It’s been proven. Just ask my former girlfriends, I’m insatiable. So we’ll see. May be pretty laid back, may be adventurous, may be boring as all hell…but one thing’s for sure, deviled eggs and bacon and…mmm, pancakes will be involved. Oooh…and steak & eggs. If you don’t hear from me soon, you’ll know why. And on that note, here’s the news…

Lucky Sevens - The Pennsylvania Lottery proved to be seventh heaven for thousands of lottery players this week. The lottery paid out a total of $7.77 million after the number 7-7-7-7 came up in the Big 4 drawing Wednesday. More than 3,100 tickets had the winning numbers. They won either $2,500 or $5,000, depending on whether the buyer wagered 50 cents or $1. That set of numbers has only been a winner twice since 1980. The last set of quadruple numbers to win was 2-2-2-2 in September 2008. How cool is that? What’re the odds? (One in a thousand) I know a few people who could use that $5,000 right about now. Yeah, that’s pretty much it though. The lottery’s probably not the best place to invest your money…but hey, it does pay out to a few lucky individuals.

Salamander Crossing - Future generations of salamanders in one Vermont town are going to be getting some help crossing the road. Yes, there are salamanders in Vermont. The Monkton Conservation Commission says it has won a $150,000 state grant to install one or two culverts under a stretch of road to protect salamanders, other amphibians, reptiles and small mammals crossing between a swampy area and the uplands. The Burlington Free Press says the project will be the first wildlife-crossing retrofit of a Vermont highway. Reptile expert Jim Andrews says the crossing is "one of the most important of the known amphibian crossings in the state." For the last nine years a group of Monkton residents has monitored the swamp-side road crossing, in some cases helping the creatures cross the road. Oh yeah, it’s THAT important. So they got a $150,000 grant to burrow a tunnel under a freeway that may or may not provide safe crossing for an amphibious cave-dwelling creature…and the town probably doesn’t even have a traffic light. Why when I ask my congressman for $50 to fill up my gas tank because “I said so” do they give me so much flack? Maybe if I asked for $500,000 to preserve the habitat of the Kwyjibo, the North American Land Ape, he or she would be a little more giving. I could even name the habitat after them if it’ll help with the paperwork. I’ll let you now how it goes. “Have you been conducting research of this creature?” “Sir, I’ve been living amongst them, learning their various forms of communication, mostly grunts & gestures, seeing the kinds of community that they form, and I just want to make sure that they have a safe haven when the bitter winters come in. For God’s sake, I’ve even wiped their asses. I’m dedicated to their preservation.” “I admire your passion. Let me write you a check, Mister…” “Cash, Doctor Cash…and I think you forgot a zero there.”

Monopoly of Snack Foods - Atlantic City police said a Frito-Lay delivery truck was stolen, abandoned and recovered, but not before some people helped themselves to "free" snacks. Police Sgt. Monica McMenamin (say that three times fast) said the truck was stolen at about 10:45 a.m. Thursday when the driver went inside a store on Baltic Avenue, four blocks west of the Boardwalk casinos, to make a delivery. When officers found the truck abandoned a short time later on nearby Maryland Avenue, people were running off carrying bags of chips. Police arrested several looters, but have not yet located the person who stole the truck. And yes, in case you were wondering, the streets in the game Monopoly are named after the streets in Atlantic City. It’s not just coincidence…and I’m pretty sure that’s why all the streets involved were mentioned…because you never read reports like in…say Utah where “the van was stolen on 4500 South near State Street and then found abandoned on Vine Lane” because nobody cares. However, if they know the truck was abandoned on a street with a hotel, BOOM!!! Pay me. See? Nothing like fun with board games & potato chips.

Fish-slapped!!! - Police said an impatient customer slapped a drive-thru worker at a New Jersey McDonald's because he was tired of waiting for his Filet-O-Fish sandwich. The man paid for the sandwich at the first window at the restaurant on Route 1 in South Brunswick early Sunday. Surveillance video obtained by WNBC-TV in New York shows the man climbed out the back window of a vehicle and into the pickup window. Police said the man told an employee he would be waiting for him, slapped him in the face and walked out of the store with the sandwich. I must see this video. What kind of an impatient douche climbs out of the back window of his buddy’s car, goes through the drive-thru window (which isn’t that large) and fish-slaps somebody over a Filet-O-Fish sandwich…or more specifically, a deep fried lump of something that smells like fish sandwich? I’m sorry that you’re drunk sir…but it still takes a full minute to microwave when it’s frozen and you show up at 3 AM after an all-night bender. “I’ll be waiting for you out in the parking lot.” “Good, because before the cops show up, I’m going to blind you with my special sauce, beat the f**k out of you & then fish-slap your girlfriend Snookie over there too. Don’t you know you’re not supposed to feed that thing after midnight?” Oh yeah, I pull out the 80’s movie references when I’m about to get into a fight…because right about the time, you see the confused look on their face because they were born in 1989, that’s when George McFly’s right hook comes flying in followed by a wicked crane kick. And forget a one-liner like “Yippee ki-yay, mother f**ker” or “You’re terminated” or something like that, I’m going with “Goonies never say die” or “I hate Tommy Lasorda” or some sh*t like that. Why? Because when his friends drive him home and he’s swearing up a storm, he’ll think to himself, “Did I just get f**ked up by somebody who quoted Fletch? Oh sh*t, I just got that Gremlins reference. Hahaha, yeah… she is f**king ugly.” Because the way I figure it, if you’re going to teach them a lesson, make ‘em laugh too.

Political Stuff – Okay, you know I don’t talk about politics much…but you’ll soon see, this has very little to do with politics. A scandal broke Monday, when conservative Web site The Daily Caller reviewed recent RNC filings with the Federal Elections Committee and discovered that the RNC had spent $1,946 on an edgy sexually themed Hollywood nightclub called Voyeur. The February expenditure documents also showed that the committee sprang for $17,000 in chartered plane fees and $12,000 in limousine expenses in February — and according to The Daily Caller, Steele had suggested that the committee bankroll a private jet for him. Why not, right? On Tuesday, the RNC announced that it had fired the staffer who’d put in the Voyeur expense (of course, take out the little guy) which was a reimbursement to a California donor named Erik Brown and that Brown was returning the Voyeur-related money to the RNC so that, in financial terms at least, it would be as though the whole thing had never happened (so there). A statement from RNC Chief of Staff Ken McKay on the dismissal of the staffer underlined that the bondage-club outing “was not an RNC-sanctioned event.” Instead, McKay explained, it took place at the behest of a group of prospective young donors — called the Young Eagles in RNC parlance — after a dinner at a pricey Hollywood restaurant. (Hotline OnCall reports that the dismissed staffer was Allison Meyers, the director of the under-45 Young Eagles donor initiative. Oh yes, it was a woman they fired because of this.) “At no time was Chairman Steele … or any other member of the senior staff aware of the purpose of this reimbursement or present at the after-hours non-official get-together,” McKay's statement said. (Even so, Brown remains a close friend of Steele, having alluded to outings with the RNC chairman in his Twitter feed, and RNC-related postings on his Facebook page. And an AP report notes that Brown has billed some $19,000 in business from the committee to his firm, Dynamic marketing, Inc., while donating several thousand in funds to the RNC.) Though RNC spokesman Doug Heye told Yahoo! News that McKay’s announcement “ends the story for us,” plenty of questions linger about Steele’s tenure at the RNC, and his ability to hang onto his post amid growing criticism of RNC expenditures. However, that’s not what’s important or why I’m bringing it up. It’s not that in a month they’ve spent my yearly wages on private jets & limousines just as billable expenses. Nor is it that their solution to being caught is just to give the money back to Mr. Brown and immediately fire a woman…though that is supremely dickish…though she probably didn’t follow the procedure to list it as an Other expense or a Restaurant expense if they served drinks there or something. No. That doesn’t really concern me or affect my life…because I know that a lot of politicians are corrupt dicks and I’ve adjusted accordingly. The main thing that I took away from this…is that there’s a sexy bondage themed nightclub that’s waiting for me in Hollywood when I go to visit in a few weeks. I’m sure Lilie would be overjoyed to go with me. “It’s a nightclub.” “Sounds great. Is there a dress code?” “Ugh… no? I think it’s provided for you. It’s a place where a lot of young up-and-comers in the political game go to unwind. Very low key. Great unique atmosphere from what I’m told.” “(Looks at me for a second) You’re taking me to a fetish club, aren’t you?” “No… it’s a themed nightclub.” “What’s the theme then?” “Sigh… bondage, painful pleasures and sadomasochism.” “So I should wear my leather outfit then?” “Absolutely…and the safe word is Salamander.” Don’t let the fact that she doesn’t drink lead you to believe that she wouldn’t have a freaky side. Anyway, she probably just read this whole thing…so it won’t be a surprise anymore. And Kyle, don’t worry. She’s safe. Salamander.

I guess that’ll do it for today. I’ll leave you with the image of me draped in skin-tight leather with a redhead and a Brazilian woman beating me mercilessly and calling me a maggot…as I charge it all to the RNC. The Final Four is this weekend…and I kinda want to see Butler win it all…just because. I mean…they’re the home team…and the underdog, right? Eh, we’ll see. Have a safe & wonderful Zombie Jesus Day everybody!!!