Chilis & Hotties

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend was quite relaxing. Beautiful weather, which led to a LOT of people being down at the Lake yesterday. Basically the majority of the 70-mile road that surrounds the lake had cars parked on either side, which is awesome…because it means money is being brought into the area, so I’m down with it. Besides, pretty good eye candy. Saturday, I really didn’t do much. I was at home most of the time, talking on the phone with family & friends. Definitely getting the miles racked up on my phone since I moved out here. Sunday, I went to the Truckee Chili Cook-Off which was held at the park a few blocks from my apartment…and I must’ve had about a gallon of chili. It was all pretty good…even the vegetarian option that was there (always skeptical of vegetarian chili, much like vegetarian meatloaf). Also met a few more locals…but it again was mostly the older married couples. No worries though. I wasn’t going to a chili cook-off on a Sunday morning to pick up girls anyway. At least not directly. They had live entertainment throughout the cook-off, and it was pretty good, especially the acupella quartet they had when I showed up. They didn’t say their names though. Here’s a picture…

Later in the day, I went down to the Lake and wanted to check out my favorite spot…but like I said, there was no parking in that area…so I just kinda kept going…and found another nice little trail a few miles down the road with one parking spot left. Here are some pictures of what that trail had to offer…

That was pretty much it for the weekend. This coming weekend should be more eventful, mainly because my dad & stepmom are coming to visit on Thursday for a week…and we should be pretty active with 4th of July activities, concerts, family gatherings, day trip to San Francisco, plus whatever else we stumble upon. Can’t wait to get started. In the meantime though, here’s some news…

Charles in Charge – Up-front, this has nothing to do with the Scott Baio sitcom or any remake of it. Rather, Charles Zevallos, a politician in Peru's Amazon basin, often wins kisses from female supporters, but things have moved to a whole new level as women at his rallies have started throwing their underwear at him. Mmm hmm… Zevallos, a candidate for mayor in the province of Maynas, has made a tradition of giving fans, watches or soccer balls at his rallies in exchange for women's kisses. But in the past few days, some supporters have taken off their underpants and tossed them to him during rallies for his progressive party, 1000 Movimiento Integracion Loretana. Zevallos has downplayed any resemblance to Tom Jones, the Welsh crooner who for years was showered with women's panties while performing at pop music concerts (mostly because he doesn't look like Sir Tom Jones at ALL). Commentators in Peru's capital of Lima, 990 miles from Maynas, said the underwear throwing was proof that politics in the Andean country had reached a new low (ugh…do they know that the Conan is my governor?). "It was spontaneous, I didn't ask for them, but then I saw a pair of yellow ones, and then another woman threw another pair at me," Zevallos said. He said he cannot be blamed for having zealous supporters. "I don't know if this will stop, it's really crazy here right now. The people love me.” Wow, just when I think a career in politics may not be the thing for me, I read a story like this…and just realize I’m in the wrong country or something. Here in America, it’s all kissing babies & being a good family man and all that mess. Apparently in Peru, I can bear a mild resemblance to a celebrity (Kevin Bacon? Dennis Quaid?) and run with some progressive party…and Peruvian princesses will make offerings of slightly-used undergarments to show their support (though brassieres typically show more support). Hmm… Maybe $teve has to consider another career change. By the way, is it weird that I’m seeing a new Disney flick with this story? “I must find the woman with the green eyes who fits these silk panties. She shall be my First Lady.” Patent Pending.

Peeper Caught - Police say 10 "angry women" detained an accused changing room peeper at a thrift store in East Tennessee until officers arrived. Twenty-year-old Bradley J. Wallen was charged with two misdemeanors, observation without consent and photographing in violation of privacy (hmm, so there are pictures?). Church Hill police chief Mark Johnson told the Kingsport Times-News that a small hole between the men's and women's changing rooms at the Flashbacks and Reruns thrift store was allegedly discovered by a woman who dropped something on the floor (“Is that…a glory hole?”). Johnson said "10 angry women" prevented Wallen from leaving by blocking a rear door. Wallen was released after his arrest Tuesday. Jail records do not show that he has hired a lawyer and a Thursday telephone call to his residence was not answered…as he was probably back at Flashbacks and Reruns (“Hey hey hey…”). Silly kids and their need to see women in the underwear (or less). Apparently the internet hasn’t caught on in Eastern Tennessee. Sigh… I miss the girl who used to change in her living room at my apartment complex in Slick City. It was always a pleasant surprise. “Oh man, work’s been a pain in my ass, everybody’s working, I’m outta cash, don’t know what I’m going to do with my job, sigh… Guess I’ll just watch some Sunny in Phila…what the…? Why hello there. Oh my. You know what, things are going to be okay. Thank you Jesus!”

Cleavage Ban – On that note, ladies, I just want to thank you from the deepest cockles of my heart. You see, on behalf of all men, I want to thank you for helping get through the day. Sometimes, I feel troubled…and worrisome or unmotivated or something but…there’s one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning, even when my own eagerness to greet the day has been exhausted. What is it you ask? “I might get to see some cleavage today. Any day with that possibility…is a great day.” Well, apparently Mother Afrika (land of National Geographic bare boobage for generations) doesn’t feel that way. The nation of Gabon has banned displays of cleavage in the civil service and told male workers to smarten up their act as part of moves by the central African state to reform its dysfunctional public administration. A new dress code will require female civil servants to don either a full-length dress, a traditional African robe, trouser suit or "a plain skirt, high-necked blouse and shoes for town," a cabinet edict issued late Thursday stated. Men must wear a suit, jacket or smart traditional African attire such as the ceremonial "bou bou" robe. A tie will remain optional. The ruling follows an outburst in January by the archbishop of the capital Libreville, Basile Engone, who accused authorities of "turning a blind eye to deviant behavior such as the wearing of skimpy outfits in the public administration." Trust me Basile, damn your metaphor because NOBODY was turning away any eyes. It’s called using peripherals. Participants in subsequent televised debates complained of a widespread workplace culture which encouraged women to dress for promotion, while male civil servants argued they were not paid enough to dress well (oh yeah, two can play that game, ladies). Under late ruler Omar Bongo, the public payroll of the oil nation of 1.5 million people saw its headcount swell to 55,000 through a system of cronyism and fraud, in which salaries were often paid for non-existent positions. Bongo's son Ali ordered a census of the civil service in a bid to cut down its 336 billion CFA ($688 million) annual wage bill after coming to power in last August's election. Fun stuff over in Afrika, huh? At least they get paid for doing the jobs of five people…whether the jobs actually exist or not. I can feel that. At least here in the United States though, the ladies aren’t afraid to let the girls out…especially during the summer months. God bless warm weather!!!

How to Get Dem Digits – Let’s say that you’re like me…and you can basically use all the help that you can get when it comes to the ladies. Sure, I’m an incredible catch…but the ladies aren’t going to know that just by looking at me. Even the unemployed snowboarder living in his buddy’s basement can dress up for a few hours & after a few drinks, she’ll believe anything he says. “Really? You’re Shaun White’s trainer? That’s so cool.” So how is an honest & humble guy like myself supposed to impress a girl enough to get her phone number for a private rendezvous (possibly tryst) at a later time? Well, a new study suggests that the right musical ambiance might boost your chances of getting a date. Women were more prepared to give their phone number to an "average Joe" after listening to romantic background music, French researchers found. Previously, the team found romantic music played in a flower shop led to male customers spending more money. In the current work, the researchers tested the power of romantic lyrics on 18- to 20-year-old single women. They first used questionnaires to pinpoint agreed-upon neutral and romantic songs, ending up with "Je l'aime à mourir," a well-known love song by French songwriter Francis Cabrel, and the neutral song "L'heure du the" by Vincent Delerm. A group of young women separate from the main study rated 12 young male volunteers for attractiveness, and the researchers picked those guys rated closest to average for the experiment. A scenario was set up in which 87 females each spent time in a waiting room with background music playing. The participant then moved to a different room where an experimenter instructed her to discuss the difference between two food products with a young man (the average Joe). Once the experimenter returned, she asked the pair to wait for a few moments alone. This gave the man a chance to use his rehearsed chat-up line: "My name is Antoine, as you know, I think you are very nice and I was wondering if you would give me your phone number. I'll phone you later and we can have a drink together somewhere next week." (The line presumably sounds a lot more suave in French). The love song in the waiting room almost doubled Antoine's chances of getting a woman's number – 52% of participants responded to his advances under the influence of Francis Cabrel, whereas only 28% of those who had heard the neutral song by Vincent Delerm offered their digits. Why did the music have this effect? It may be that, as shown in earlier research, the music induced positive feelings or emotions, known in psychology as positive affect. Positive affect is associated with being more receptive to courtship requests, the researchers say. Other types of media, such as violent video games or music with aggressive lyrics, have been shown to increase the likelihood of aggressive behavior, thoughts and feelings. But the present study suggests media exposure can induce positive behaviors as well, said study researcher Nicolas Gueguen from the Universite de Bretagne-Sud in France. However, further research is needed before wider generalizations can be made on the targeted use of love songs, the researchers say. The results were published June 18 in the journal Psychology of Music. Good theory. Being one who often has music come up in their head whenever certain people walk into a room ("Unchained Melody", "Hot for Teacher", "I Wanna Know What Love Is" to name a few) or situations arise, I can fully understand the correlation between music & being more receptive to ideas such as romance. In this situation, the participants may not directly notice the music in the background…but it does still affect their mood a little bit…and they associate the person in front of them with this change in mood…and they want to further investigate. So Antoine gets the digits, they meet up later on, and who knows? It makes sense to me. Now if I can just find a swingin’ Jazz club here in Truckee or somewhere that isn’t too-loud angry rock music like the Tourist Club. Yeah, still have no idea where the single ladies hang out around here…if there are any over the age of 16. The search continues…but at least I have one other nugget of knowledge.

Divorce Ceremonies – Well, my brother’s now, for all intensive purposes, DIVORCED!!! He wants to have a huge celebration…but since most of his friends have been divorced a few times already…and party just about every weekend for little to no reason, he’s talking about going to Vegas or something for a weekend celebration. Then again, don’t you think he wasted enough (of somebody else’s) money on getting married to that b**ch in the first place? Me too…but then I read this article. With divorce on the rise in Japan, some couples are choosing to celebrate the end of an unhappy marriage by saying "I do" for a final time at a divorce ceremony before friends and family (I just pictured all of my family being in the same room with that c**t & there’s some food tossing involved). Divorce ceremonies were pioneered about a year ago by a former salesman, Hiroki Terai, who set up a "divorce mansion" in a small undercover space in Tokyo (What? Undercover space? In my world, that’s where the magic happens). Since then about 25 couples have each paid 55,000 yen ($606) to hold a ceremony with all the pomp and grandeur of a wedding that publicly ends their relationship before they officially file for divorce. Terai said he had received more than 900 inquiries (and repeat, 25 couples have done it). The latest couple, who called themselves Mr. and Mrs. Fujii, met near Sensoji Temple in Tokyo's traditional Asakusa area on Sunday and rode in separate rickshaws to the "divorce mansion." "By putting an end to our marriage, we wanted to give ourselves fresh starts and give our lives a sense of renewal," Mr. Fujii, a 33-year-old businessman, told Reuters Television. He said he felt responsible for the failure of his marriage as he spent too much time away from home and too much money on his various interests including cars (and whores & cocaine?) despite numerous warnings from his wife. Friends and family of the Fujii couple followed closely behind the rickshaws on foot, arriving at the "divorce mansion" for a ceremony where they smashed their wedding ring with a gavel, a gesture signifying the end of their partnership. The gavel has a frog's head as frogs symbolize change in Japanese culture (not to indicate that genital warts led to this divorce). "When we smashed the ring together, I felt like "oh, this is the end of it, really" and my heart and soul felt renewed. Now I feel I can have a new life and start all over again," said Mr. Fujii. His wife of eight years also expressed her relief. "The moment I saw the smashed ring, I said to myself, "Yes! That feels so good"" Terai, who is believed to be Japan's first "divorce ceremony planner," came up with the idea of divorce ceremonies to help couples celebrate their decision to separate after one of his friends was going through a bitter divorce. Divorce is on the rise in Japan where it was once taboo with about 251,000 divorces taking place in 2008, partly blamed on the poor economy taking its toll on romance. Next month Terai heads off on his first business venture abroad to Korea to officially divorce a couple in Seoul. "I started this ceremony in April last year thinking that there should be a positive way to end a marriage and move on by making a vow to restart their lives in front of loved ones," Terai said. Not a bad idea, right? I could totally see a Divorce Mansion or Castle or something on the Strip. Heck, maybe they do & I just have been too drunk to notice. That’s very possible. “What the…did I take a wrong turn? Why am I at a castle? HOLY SH*T!!! Is that a black pyramid with something shooting out of it? Ah, my drink is empty… REFILLS!!!” I’m guessing that Japan has a different culture…or maybe just in this situation, where it’s a mutual separation, then something like this would really work out. However, I’d say about 95% of the divorces that I’ve seen in my time here, it would not have been a good idea to get two families in the same space without plenty of security on hand. Then again, if you would’ve switched it up a bit by putting them in a cage match…and the winner gets the house, you could put that on pay-per-view. “$teve, are you suggesting that a grown man & a grown woman duke it out? That doesn’t seem fair.” Obviously you haven’t seen some of the grown men & women that have been a part of my extended redneck family. Think of something like… Georges St Pierre against Brock Lesnar with a mullet…and then throw in twelve years of pent-up rage…and the loser lives in their parent’s basement. Don’t even pretend like you wouldn’t watch that carnage. I’m not completely cynical when it comes to marriage, as I’m sure you all know, but I am a realist as well as an eccentric. Maybe Divorce Duels will be my big idea that gets me some business. I could start it up in Reno. Hmm, we’ll see. Anyway, enough of my reality, let’s go to dream world (and I know, it’s been a while since I had a good vivid dream to share with you guys… I’ll work on that)

Marilyn Update - The apparently endless market for images of Marilyn Monroe now extends to inside the bombshell's body (giggidy!). A set of three Monroe Chest X-rays from a 1954 hospital visit sold Sunday at the Hollywood Legends auction at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino in Las Vegas. How much do you think they paid for them? Guesses? Go on. Think about it. Three pictures of Marilyn’s sexy skeleton. Got a number? Well, double it and add a lot more because they sold for $45,000. Julien's Auctions, which sold the X-rays, estimated that they would only fetch a total of about $3,000. Other Monroe-abilia that sold included a chair from her last photo shoot that went for $35,000. The auction included items from other actresses, including a pair of earrings worn by Kate Winslet in "Titanic" that sold for $25,000 and a dress Audrey Hepburn wore when she starred opposite Fred Astaire in the musical "Funny Face" that fetched $56,250. So yeah, each X-ray of Marilyn sold for about as much as my Jeep Gretchen. Isn’t that…just weird to anybody else? I mean… if I think it’s weird, isn’t that saying something? Ah well, apparently the person that bought them knows how to best use their money…and that’s why they have so much of it. Who am I to judge?

Fox Update – Sometimes I wonder “If I were a celebrity of some kind…and people where asking me questions throughout the day, would I say something completely stupid? Would I say some ridiculous stuff just to see if it gets printed? Would I be the new media darling and talk of the blogosphere?” Anybody who knows me…knows that the answer would be an emphatic yes. I say stupid sh*t. All the time. Mostly to get a rise or a reaction out of people…and sometimes just because I feel that way at the moment. So it’s probably not a good thing that I’m an NBA superstar (although I would know proper things to say if my livelihood depended on it in all honesty). Anyway, enough about me. Let’s talk about the alluring and allegedly-engaged Megan Fox, who recently revealed that her dream role is to be Sarah Rainmaker, the lesbian Native American superhero…but has also revealed that she dreams of starring in a remake of the cult movie, The Lost Boys. The actress, who has hit the headlines recently for everything from her dramatic weight loss to engagement to Brian Austin Green to her latest movie “Jonah Hex” sucking so much ass that it has created a vortex in time & space of which the Enterprise could travel through to saying that she has given no reason for critics to like her acting…has confessed that she is also a huge fan of the comedy horror flick which stars Kiefer Sutherland and the late Corey Haim. Fox claimed: "They couldn't remake it because it would destroy it, but I've always loved The Lost Boys. The female character in it is not really amazing, but if you were to turn one of the male characters into a female, I would love to do that." She added: "That movie has stuck with me my whole life. There's something magic about it for me," Megan may have recently quit the Transformers franchise, but the actress also revealed that she will not be making any romantic comedies just yet as she feels that she 'isn't old enough.' Fox stated: "I'm wary of doing romantic comedies, you could end up doing them all the time. Business-wise, those movies are very safe." The actress continued: "But I'm 24, I don't belong in a romantic comedy yet. A black comedy like Jennifer's Body maybe, but I don't know if I could do something like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." Wow. I would really be torn if that decision ever came up. “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 3? Seriously? Oh wait… Megan Fox is in it? Hmm… I did fast forward through Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen…” True story. Don’t you dare judge me. That movie had Megan AND former friend of the blog Lindsay in it. Anyway, time for another confession, since I’m apparently in the mood. Remember how I’ve never seen a few movies that apparently everybody else has seen? Like Dirty Dancing? Oh yeah, still waiting for one of you ladies to put your extended version DVD where your mouth & watch it with me. Well, Lost Boys is also one of those movies. (Gasp!!!) Don’t be too surprised, you know how I feel about vampires…and teenage angst. I’ve seen bits & piece here & there…but not the whole movie. Well, I may have to check it out now to see if I can write a part in the remake for Miss Fox (she’s still Miss until she’s official Megan Fox-Austin-Green or whatever). If it turns out like “Twilight” though I may never watch a film about the Nosferatu ever again, just so you’re aware. I don’t want drama with my movie monsters dammit. I want sexy killing machines that are using their plethora of skills to get what they need – Blood. That being said, Miss Fox, if you’re looking for a character with some emotional development, you may prefer a few other storylines that I have written up. We can discuss them over dinner if you’d like.

YAAAAAWN!!! Ah man, that was a good nap. What happened? Last I remember, we were talking about girls throwing their panties at me when I was trying to discuss my plans for social security (“Give it to old people”). It must not have been too important though. Oh well, think I’ll go play some hoops in the park for a few and watch the sun set. Absolutely gorgeous weather the past few days. I’m really starting to get some resemblance of a tan. I know! Me, right? Well, I’ll let you all judge for yourselves when/if somebody catches a shot of me on the beach or something. In the meantime, have a great day everybody!!!

Why Do We Even Try?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Friday was a pretty good day. I woke up, blogged, did some running around, and then my mom showed up to go suit shopping...since with my new job (that I'm optimistic will be offered to me in the next few days) I'll be wearing a suit every day...and beating off the ladies with a stick (as dirty as that sounds, it's even dirtier). She, my stepdad, & I had lunch at Mimi's Cafe. Good food. Cute waitress. After that, my stepdad left...because apparently I was my mom's chauffeur back to her house (over an hour away) after we were done. Awesome. It's a good thing that I wanted to spend some time with her anyway. Our first stop was...honestly, I'm not sure of the official name...but it's a place a few blocks from my house and it's some kind of combination of "Big & Tall Men for Less Discounts For Women 14 Plus" or something like that. I kid you not. I'd say read the sign when you're in the neighborhood...but as the employees reminded us a few times, they were bought out by Casual Male XL and will be closing this store soon...so the already discount prices had an additional 25%-50% off. Nice. Our guide through this store was a man named Joe, who was probably in his late 40's, early 50's and a nice guy. He'd obviously been a salesman for a long time. We salesmen know our trade...and he did very well, especially for what's basically a discount store.

I'm going to admit, at first, I was REALLY regretting inviting my mother...because everything was "cute" and "an outfit" and I think she may be going colorblind. "Here try this brown suit on." "Mom, that's green." "No, this one." "You mean the one in your hands that you're offering to me." "Yeah." "Yeah, it's green." After a while though, I would just ignore her trying to convince me that a pink shirt would really bring out my eyes (not sure what that means exactly) and she offered to buy the clothes purchased at this store. Okay, I regretting it less now. I tried on a bunch of things and ended up getting a two suits (Barcelona green & navy blue pinstripe), cordoroy jacket, two shirts, three ties, some socks, and even got a few things like jeans...since it was a Big & Tall store. The only downside was the selection was slim of good stuff...because they're going out of business soon. It's also really hard when I look good in everything...especially a suit. Total Damage Here: About $400

The next stop was the Men's Wearhouse. By the way, did I mention that was wearing my Dee's Nuts T-shirt? Okay, well now you know. So we walked in...and we were greeted by a gentleman by the name of Charlie. Fifties, probably has grandkids, was a businessman, now a suit salesman that knows his stuff, and best friends with Randy from Earth, Wind, & Fire...so we got along really well. Fist bumps & off-color jokes were even involved. Like I said, he's a great salesman and established a rapport early. He even said things like "You know, you can say no if you don't like the suit. It won't hurt my feelings." "That's just it. I look good in everything. Damn my statuesque figure and chiseled good looks!" Basically, we were there for about two hours (I think) and we were pretty much the only people in the store, so everybody was walking up with other options to consider, offering water and all the usual stuff. Meanwhile, I tried on a bunch of stuff, checked myself out from all angles in those five-mirror setups...and basically just thought, "The ladies in Denver won't know what to do with this 46 chest, 36 waist, 26 sleeve, 18 neck, 39 inseam and 14 shoe. Watchoutnow!!! Excuse me, do you play for the Nuggets? Nah, they couldn't afford me. K'chow!!! K'chow!!!" From here, we got two more suits (a sorta chocolate brown & charcoal grey), an overcoat, two expensive but versatile ties, brown Italian leather shoes (bellisimoooo), polish & polish kit, and some more socks to match the suits. Total Damage here: I'll give you a hint. It's a fairly recent year...like Norman Rockwell was born this year...and Coca-Cola was first sold in bottles. Trying to remember the Coke commercial now, aren't ya? Well, it's 1894. Now throw a dollar sign in front of that...and you get $1894. So the total for the day...was about $2400. I had better get this job...or somebody's getting hurt. Oh...and in other financial news, the stock market seems to be in the shitter, including my retirement fund.

So I was feeling pretty fly. I was really looking forward to a new job with some new clothes. I had spent the day with my mom...which is usually a lot of fun...even though I'm pretty convinced that she watches too much HGTV because immediately after unsuccessfully trying to push a pink & lavender shirts on me (though I did get a tie with some purple...and I think salmon is just god-awful...anybody else?), she immediately said, "Let's go get your eyebrows plucked and put some streaks in your hair." "No." "Come on, do it for me." "No." "It'll look so nice and..." "No!" "It'll only take a minute and.." "NO!" "There's a place right there that we can..." "NO!!!" "Have it done and you'll be all..." (Like I'm talking to a deaf woman suffering from Alzheimer's) "NO!!!" "Set for Denver and all..." "Jesus Christ woman, open your f**king ears. NO!!!" She kept on babbling so I assume that she didn't even hear me...even after purposely trying to get her attention...so I just zone her out. Pay attention, ladies. Ever think that your man isn't listening? Here's why. Listening's a two-way street. After a few minutes, the car got really quiet, so I glanced over to see if she had talked herself to sleep...and she was looking at me like she wanted a response...so for the at least seventh time, "Oh, no thank you!" So I thought that'd be a good time to take her home so that she can get her HGTV fix...because she was obviously needing it...despite having spent four hours shopping with her adult son.

Saturday was substantially worse. Over the course of Friday night and Saturday morning, I was informed that my brother & sister-in-law were breaking up for reals this time (yes, at had been four weeks since their last breakup...but time really flies, right?). Apparently, this time, she was serious. Last weekend at the reunion, when she was there that Saturday night when my brother & I went home with the kids, she had been there telling everybody that my brother doesn't respect her and how he doesn't do anything for her and treats her like crap and so on...so one of my aunts offered her to stay in her basement. Allegedly, she still wanted to try to work it out (at least that's what she said). Over the last week, my brother had made an effort to show that he really wanted to make it work. He told me some of the stuff that he did to show that he was making an effort...and the whole time, she would brush him off and was talking to her man-hating school friends about how bad he is and basically just trying to convince herself that he's a horrible person who has never done anything for her...and that she should leave. Of course, those tricks don't know the situation except for what she tells them, so they probably think he's been on Cops a few times or something...and so they back up her decision...because what else are casual acquaintances for? She even texted me all night a few days earlier...and she was basically just trying to get my consent in doing something. However, I've seen this stuff happen before...and I told her it really doesn't matter what I say because you've already made your decision, you're just looking for somebody to confirm it for you...and if you ask enough people, you're going to get it. No matter how many people who know the situation tell you that you're a f**king idiot, if you can get ONE person to back up your decision, you're going to do it. (See: My brother marrying her in the first place) She found that person...and Saturday morning, after staying disconnected for an entire week until she could find a living situation that suited her, she had finally used my brother & his family enough...and decided to move out.

Am I being too hard on her? Maybe I am...or maybe not enough. Basically, what it boils down to...is that she wants to have the benefits of being married to my brother (Love, house, kids, financial support from the whole Love family, babysitter, food, have her school paid for, emotional support, cheap laughs, and basically just having a family) but doesn't want my brother anymore...except to take care of the kids while she goes out and does whatever...but they'll be around when she wants to do something involving them. Now, if I'm wrong, perhaps I just haven't been presented that side...but she's talked to me extensively throughout the marriage about it...and that's basically all that I can gather. Now, in her eyes, it's what's better for the kids and her because allegedly it'll be a better environment. I'm not there every day, given. However, whenever I'm down there, the only time that it doesn't seem like a wholesome family environment is that every four weeks for the past few months and she says that she's trying to talk to my brother...but either she's dreaming the whole thing and just telling people that or my brother's deaf...because I'll talk to him shortly after she tells me stuff like that...and he says that he hasn't seen her all day except for when she came home and went straight upstairs for a nap or to read some book about vampires. So, there's that side.

Now, my brother's not perfect by any means or stretch of the imagination. I mean...I'm his only friend it seems. He's very forward, brash, and pretty much a dick...but he loves his wife (otherwise he wouldn't have married her) and he loves his kids. He's given up a lot for the marriage...as I'm sure that she has. It's tough to give up a life of drugs, sex, parties, no responsibility other than to make yourself happy...just so that you can have a loving family to come home to and be responsible for. They both gave that lifestyle up...for each other. All of his friends that he used to hang out with...don't come by anymore. Why? They have no use for him (were casual acquaintances) or they have their own families and whatever else to do...and my brother's kind of a prick. So there's me, his big brother...who's probably moving to Denver soon (as he's been trying for Vegas since their first anniversary). His wife just left him for reasons she can't even really explain. She's probably going to get the kids if she wants them because this is the state of Utah. He's going to have to pay child support...because this is the state of Utah. He cleans toilets late at night for minimum wage because he has to watch kids while she goes to school during the day. So when I say something like, "It could be worse" and he replies "How?" My only response...after a few seconds delay is "You're dead sexy!!!"

Yesterday, I was basically on a Psuedo-Suicide Watch because if my brother's left to think by himself in situations like this...it usually ends badly. The first time she really left (three years ago), he basically drank whatever, smoked whatever, poked whatever, and just did whatever to make the pain go away...for about three months, then he mellowed out...then she came back pregnant with her "better option"'s baby...and he took her back. (All things considered, not that bad since when my dad get divorced he reacted in a similar fashion for a few years until my stepmom kind of saved him) We Loves love deep...even when logically, it's a messed-up situation. I'm the more level headed one (which scares the hell out of me sometimes) but when my brother tells me, "I know that you don't know how this feels" and I respond with, "Something like...there's this burning sensation right here between your heart and your sternum, your throat's bulging out like a frog's, you get this mind-numbing pain in the base of your skull, it feels like sulphuric acid is just forcing your eyeballs out of their sockets, you can't eat because your choking down your tears and food is never going to taste the same and you'll probably just puke it back up, you feel weak...like you have some kind of palsy coming over you, you simply can't stop thinking about it. You try to watch TV or cartoons or play video games or something...but everything seems to remind you of that one time she blah blah blah. You try to talk to family or friends...but you don't really want to because you don't want to break down like a little bitch in front of them. Even if it really is better for both of you, it doesn't matter because it feels like you're going to live the rest of your life in agonizing pain and you'll never find anybody ever again. You've always been there for her...and you helped her through the toughest times of her life...and when she's back on her feet, she just decides to leave you. You're right. I have absolutely no idea what that's like. You've got me there. Please, tell me how it feels. I'm intrigued." Then he'll stare at me for a second wondering who the hell destroyed me and why he never knew about it. "Okay, yeah it's something like that...only worse because it's your wife." "I have no doubt. That's why I'm here, bro."

So I basically bullspitted with him all day, making sure he ate (because he'd basically forgotten for a few days) and watched him play "Star Wars: The Force Unleashed" for a few hours making Wookie noises to get a rise out of him and distracting him from whatever I could. Reassuring him that there will be others. It'll be tough for a while...especially since she'll be bugging you every day about helping her financially and this and that...but in a few months, you'll move on and probably develop a callous of bitterness towards her around your heart...and you'll move on. Then when I'm in town, we'll take the kids down to the park...and passing joggers & single moms with their kids will stop by and introduce themselves, you'll invite them over for playdates, cook them up some macaroni & cheese, talk about the causes of your callouses and who knows? Am I or am I not the greatest brother alive? Sad thing is...I'm probably going to be the emotional tampon of my sister-in-law too. Why? Because otherwise she's going to rely on her crazy, cracked-out, man-hating school friends who don't know a damn thing about the situation except for her perceived reality of it...and they'll just say whatever to make them happy...not a real opinion. Oh...and guess who's there for my mom when she's crying about the whole thing...and the fact that her youngest is going through a divorce, her oldest (and favorite) is moving away, and her grandbabies are in a less than ideal situation? That's right. This guy.

Sometimes it makes me wonder why we even try. You know me, always an optimist. I hate to agree with cynics...but you can see their point. Why do we try to Love? The numbers are absolutely against us. You all know the numbers about marriages ending in divorce rising like it's petroleum-based. Even a nice chunk of those that stay married do so only because they have children...until they simply can't stand each other and explode (usually not literally). Even before marriage is even involved, the vast majority of your relationships are going to end in anything ranging from a mutual agreement of never see each other again to lying, cheating, stealing, vandalizing, emotionally crippling, stabbing, crushing, manipulating, and ending in some kind of police standoff to those crazy on-again, off-again things because you always think there's something better out there but then you're disappointed and come back...but wanna try again, just to make sure there's not something better out there. Maybe it's just the American way - Bigger, better, faster, stronger, richer, more, always moving forward...but it's still f**king crazy.



So why do we try? Because for every THOUSAND stories of crushed Love that ends up being the topic of conversation with your friends or in the records of the police department, there's ONE story of a great man celebrating his 70th anniversary with the woman of his dreams...who lives every day in ignorant bliss because she can't remember what year it is (sometimes Alzheimer's doesn't seem that bad) but they live every day just gazing into each other's eyes remembering all the Love that they've shared for the better part of a century. For every THOUSAND burning sensations in your chest and gallons of tears, there's a happy couple that raises wonderful kids and live in a house with a white picket fence and all that other Hallmark stuff and they just seem so happily married. Sure cynics, you may think that they're just putting on a show and behind the scenes their both banging the poolboy but maybe they really are happy...and you're just jealous. Ever think of that?

That's why we try. Because we have to believe that there's something like real Love in the world. Otherwise, our whole basis for reality crumbles and there's no point to any of it because we all die miserable and alone. That's why we should all live everyday to the fullest...and keep trying even though the numbers are so overwhelmingly against us. As for those numbers, think of this one for a second. You may go through a THOUSAND bad relationships...but there are over six BILLION people out there. So one in a thousand would be like 6 million people. Given your gender preferences, size/build preferences, whatever, there's still a few thousand people out that are "perfect" for you in your geographical area and probably waiting to meet you...and all you need is ONE. So keep that in mind when I tell you these horrible stories of Love gone wrong and how trying to make it work with what seems like the wrong kind of person isn't always in vain...but you have to have respect for yourself first and foremost. Just be careful out there...and Love with all of your heart...because there's really no other way to go about it. Otherwise you're just selling yourself short and you'll never get to feel those Highest Highs. Those Lowest Lows are a pain though. Still worth it.

Do you see what I did there? Even after a day of ultra-depressing situations and my family being rocked by a semi-treacherous little witch (just my opinion), I'm still going to be there for both of them...and the kids...and the parents...and anybody else dragged into this mess...because that's what family's for...and I look hot in my new suits. Not only that, it starts out all horrible and depressing and "Love is a lie" kind of tone...and then I try to turn it around...even though, to be perfectly honest right now, it's really hard to think that Love is awesome and the world's a fantastic place full of happy people living amazing lives full of all the good things. Then again, if I don't keep that attitude, what's the point? This too shall pass...and I wish you all nothing but the best...and that you find that One that you're looking for. I pinky swear that tomorrow will be a little more of the usual stuff. Today, I just wasn't feeling too good about the whole situation and thought about a few past situations similar to my brother's (though not really in the same ballpark, just the same sport). Have a great night everybody!!!