Marathon of Ass Kickin'

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Here’s just a little catchup on things not directly related to beer in the world…

 

This past weekend, Dizzy & I had a little bit of a “Kick Ass” marathon (since she hadn’t seen the first) and ending with the recent DVD release “Kick Ass 2” starring Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloe Moretz, CMP (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) & Jim Carrey among others. Basically in the original “Kick Ass”, the story is about a teenager who decides to become a superhero & clean up the mean streets of NYC. Along the way, he gets his ass beat a lot… but he befriends a daddy-daughter duo (Big Daddy & Hit Girl), they teach him some of the ropes, they try to take down a crime boss in the end… they win… but Big Daddy is dead and now Kick Ass & Hit Girl are doing the whole high school angst during the day, crime fighters at night thing as the credits roll. Well, in the sequel, other crime fighters inspired by Kick Ass are coming out of the woodworks… and they form a bit of an alliance. The problem is… that the teenage son of the crime boss who died in the original (CMP) has decided to become the first Supervillain named… The Motherf**ker… and use his apparently limitless wealth to form his own legion of  dastardly villains with one goal in mind… to kill Kick Ass & wipe out any influence that he has (namely killing all his superhero buddies). Also, Hit Girl has sworn to her father figure (dad’s best friend) that she wouldn’t fight crime anymore & is trying to become a typical teenage girl… but of course that’s not going to work out well. What happens? THERE WILL BE BLOOD & VENGEANCE!!! As for the movie, if you liked the first one, you’re probably going to like the sequel… it’s not the best storytelling in the world… it’s based off a comic book, so there’s a little bit of disbelief involved… but overall, I really enjoyed the movie. Yes, as star Jim Carrey mentioned during his comments basically saying that he never wants to work in Hollywood again… it’s really violent & involves teenagers… but yeah, it’s a comic book movie. If you can’t separate that from real life, then you have mental health issues. Luckily… there are places in society where you can… oh wait, never mind. I guess we’re all screwed until that gets taken care of. In the meantime though, I recommend it. It’s not going to win any awards… but it’s a violent action-comedy… that gets a little dark at some points, so be prepared. Here’s the news…

 

Utah Update - A University of Utah student says he paid his tuition bill with 2,000 one-dollar bills as a silent (though obvious publicized) protest against the rising cost of college. Luq Mughal brought a metal case full of greenbacks to the school Tuesday, the deadline for payment. He says he collected the cash from several banks. Mughal tells The Salt Lake Tribune he spends weekends working to pay for his electrical engineering degree (wow… sounds familiar… try doing it during the week as well). The 21-year-old says he gets a discount because his father is a faculty member and acknowledges his situation is far from the worst on campus. Undergraduate in-state tuition rates have more than doubled in Utah over the past 10 years (like everywhere else). Trustees set a 5% tuition hike this year, saying they needed to fund a cost-of-living raise for employees as state funding declines. Look… it’s always been a dream of mine to pay a large bill with a suitcase full of money (probably singles until I reach big baller status) so I like this story for that aspect of it. However, saying that it’s a (silent) statement against the rise of tuition… while at the same time having a discounted tuition… is murky at best. However, I feel your pain (or rather did) and support your decision. Colleges & universities charge more & more every year… because they think they can… and they’re kinda right. There are some benefits to higher learning… but that’s when the cost-benefits analysis comes into play. When the peak is that extra million dollars over your lifetime that you’re going to be making (for Uncle Sam) over your lifetime that’s always advertised… and the low is that college is where you developed your drug habit, impregnated some chick at a party that you legally raped in some states eyes & have crippling debt for the rest of your life while you still can’t find a job… and the alternative is working hard, learning through apprenticeship while doing a day job or at least finding out what it is that you want to do before you commit a sh*t ton of money towards an education… just remember to weigh your options carefully. You hear about all the successes of college dropouts… but it’s because they something more than a piece of paper on their wall… they had a Drive & an Initiative & a Passion for what they do and knew how to get there. College can help you to find yours… but just do a cost-benefit analysis. That’s all I’m saying. Stay in school kids!!! At least while it’s free.

 

Good Deeds Done Hella Expensive – Or you could just be f**king lucky. For example, Montez Jones of Louisville, Kentucky was going about his day as a human billboard, enthusiastically dancing while holding a sign advertising Colbert Ball Tax Service, when he received a huge gift from a passerby. The sign man is dedicated to his job and told WDRB, “I don't care what the weather is, I'm coming to work." Perhaps it’s that devotion that caught the attention of Reverend Kevin Cosby, the President of Simmons College of Kentucky, a small and historically black Bible college. Rev. Cosby was driving by 29-year-old Mr. Jones as he did his job, and stopped to talk to the man. He described Jones as a, "human billboard, gyrating. I mean, totally depersonalized." Jones explained, "A black car just pulled up, and he said, 'Do you know who I am, young man?' I said, 'No sir.'" The stranger than replied, “I am The Devil… and I have a proposition for you.” Okay, no he didn’t. I was just checking to make sure you were reading. The reverend then introduced himself to Montez and offered him a $20,000 full ride scholarship and the opportunity to attend Simmons College. But why extend that offer to Montez Jones? Rev. Cosby said it was to, "Show [Jones] what confidence, hard work, discipline and being around the right environment can do for a person and if he can do it he becomes my example that anyone can be successful." The prospective student’s success could benefit them both, especially with the college anticipating full accreditation from the U.S. Department of Education, within months. Montez said that as a child he dreamed of being a doctor, but his circumstances, "living in the streets," and an arrest ended it. Wait, what was the arrest for? Oh I see, we’re not even going to discuss that part of the story. “With my background, it was over. My dreams were crushed,” said the sign shaker. He’s hopeful and grateful for the sudden opportunity saying, "It's like me being a newborn. Start my life all over again, fresh. Hopefully this might be a good start for me you know what I’m saying. I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it and run with it though. I ain't going to let [Rev. Cosby] down." I really do hope that it’s a great start for him into a new life. I like that he got the scholarship because of his attitude but… I mean… publicity stunt aside… why would a reasonable man just be driving down the street & see a guy waving a sign around and say “Hey, you wanna go to college?” “I don’t even know what I would study… and I haven’t studies since the 3^rd grade… which is why I’m spinning this sign.” “Well, what did you want to be in 3^rd grade?” “A doctor… and Spiderman.” “Well, school can probably help with one of those.” “Hmm… Nah… I’m good. Thanks though.” That being said… if he’s got the gumption, then I wish Mr. Jones & Rev. Cosby nothing but the best. It’s not going to be easy… but worst-case, at least he knows the President of the College.

 

Penis Pump Healthcare Scam – Yes, corruption has gone there too. Penis pumps cost the U.S. government's Medicare program $172 million between 2006 and 2011. Why is this possibly a scam? Because that’s about TWICE as much as the consumer would have paid at the RETAIL level (yes, even after doubling plus markup), according to a government watchdog's report released on Monday. The report by the inspector general for the Department of Health and Human Services said Medicare, the government health insurance system for seniors, paid nearly 474,000 claims for vacuum erection systems, or VES, totaling about $172.4 million from 2006 to 2011. Yearly claims for the devices nearly doubled from $20.6 million in 2006 to $38.6 million in 2011. According to the Mayo Clinic, penis pumps are one of a few treatment options for erectile dysfunction. Government waste is a major issue in budget talks in the U.S. capital as lawmakers try to reach agreement on a $1 trillion spending bill. "Medicare payment amounts for VES remain grossly excessive compared with the amounts that non-Medicare payers pay," said the report, dated December 2013. "Medicare currently pays suppliers more than twice as much for VES as the Department of Veterans Affairs and consumers over the Internet pay for these types of devices." If Medicare had adjusted its payments to approximately the price non-Medicare payers pay, the U.S. government would have saved an average of about $14.4 million for each of the six years, the report said. Yup… and that’s JUST for penis pumps… imagine if, God forbid, they should extend those kinds of practices to daily medications and/or vaccinations. "Considering the strain retiring baby boomers will soon be placing on Medicare's budget, shouldn't we be focusing this entitlement program on real, life-saving treatment and equipment to serve the health needs of seniors - instead of subsidizing penis pump purchases?" Ben Domenici of the Heartland Institute think tank said in an email statement. "And to those seniors who really do want one," added Domenech, "just buy it yourself - you don't need to send the bill to your fellow Americans." Well… I’m not entirely sure about that last statement… but do you see where there are MAJOR issues in government… and if something isn’t done, it’s only going to get worse. Do you think the DOUBLE RETAIL prices (so something like 6-8 times cost of production) is just going towards mailing, processing, and all that? Or medications that costs about 10,000 times the cost of production? Hell no. Somebody getting f**king RICH off that… because they have a buddy in the system… who’s also getting f**king RICH. “I scratch your back, you scratch mine. What’re they going to do? Fire us? Please… those sheeple just want to live & get boners… and they want to continue to do so… they’ll pay OUR prices & fill OUR pockets for the privilege.” Now, I know that’s probably not an EXACT transcript from a conversation over a few cognacs… but yeah, that’s what’s happening… and we’re letting it happen. Just my PSA for the day… hidden in a story about penis pumps.

 

So yeah… that’s about it for this issue I think. Lots of good things coming up this week so do yourself a favor & subscribe to this blog (or friend it or whatever the term is) and these updates can be sent directly to your email or phone or really anything so that it’s quick, easy, convenient & of course entertaining. While you’re at it… sign up for Terrible Lizard Brewing too!!! It’s all the beer-related things from this blog… and so much more. Have a great day everybody!!!

Some Things I Kinda Hate to Like

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

It’s been a few days… and I’m feeling MUCH better… basically ready for another adventure this weekend… but more on that later…

 

College Sports in Summary – I feel like this little story kinda sums up how a lot of major universities prepare young people for the future… while collecting a heft f**king profit from it too. Head football coach Charlie Strong recently accepted the dream job of head coach at the University of Texas… so after coaching the University of Louisville through some tough years and coaching what may be the #1 pick in the draft this year (Teddy Bridgewater), he’s moved up to his dream job. Under their former coach, the Louisville football team's "core values" were out in the open for everyone to see. On wallpaper outside the Cardinals' team meeting room, Strong listed the five things he most expected from his players:

 

1. Honesty
2. Treat women with respect
3. No drugs
4. No stealing
5. No guns

 

Simple. Core. Values. I’d love for my children to have those no matter what they did for a living. So Louisville was now without a coach… and they started interviews. Who did they hire to coach these young men? Former Louisville coach Bobby Petrino. Hold on though. Let’s go over this decision real quick. Nobody is surprised that Bobby Petrino is returning to big-time college football after coaching Western Kentucky this last year… but let’s backtrack a bit to when he first LEFT (emphasized emphatically) Louisville in 2006. During his time there, he was interviewing for every other job that came up… but in 2006, he had just signed a 10-year, $25 million extension to stay at the University… then a few months later, he left to coach the NFL’s Atlanta Falcons… and short story even shorter, he quit on the Falcons 13 games into a singular 16-game season. Next up was a year or so later, he had a scandalous four-year tenure at Arkansas that ended in April 2012, when he was fired after wrecking his motorcycle with HIS MISTRESS on the back and then LYING to his boss about it. Oh, during his first four years at Louisville, his teams had a record of 41 wins and 9 losses… and he had big school pedigree, so it sadly was only a matter of time before he was hired by a desperate football program (Western Kentucky this last year). That being said, do you want this guy as a role model for your children/young men? Petrino has an 83-30 record as a college coach and knows X's and O's as well as anyone. Petrino might be morally bankrupt, but he wins games and sells tickets, which sadly seems to be the only things that really matter in major college athletics anymore. Period. How else do you explain it? Throw in Louisville's NCAA championship in men's basketball last season and it has been the golden age of Cardinals athletics. They really could’ve hired just about ANYBODY to be their football coach & a pinnacle of integrity even in a controversial realm like “amateur” football. But Petrino won big at Louisville the first time, so I guess they’re convinced he'll do it again. Hopefully, Petrino's second tenure will come without the lying and deception that made him one of the sport's most despised and mistrusted coaches… but who knows. Maybe the wallpaper will be replaced outside the team’s meeting room because… well…

 

1.    Honesty – Everything from “Sure, I’ll be here for ten years” to “Yeah, nobody else involved in the motorcycle crash” to "We're just friends" to “I love you, my darling wife”

2.    Treat women with respect – Wife… mistress… motorcycle… hiding it for quite a while…

3.    No drugs – As far as I know, he’s clean

4.    No stealing – Not sure how much he got paid to bail on Louisville & the Falcons but… technically…

5.    No guns – Guaranteed he’s gonna be packin’ heat due to angry alumni

 

I know… “$teve, he’s a football coach at a higher learning establishment in Kentucky… a beacon of human intelligence in itself” but he’s hardly the only case. Just a REALLY extreme case… like… it’s tough to even think up a more ridiculous possible example. It’d be like Hitler getting re-elected Chancellor of Germany in 1952 because “he has a tremendous track record for turning around the economy… and he’s a former Time Magazine’s Man of the Year.” When you send your child to college, you want them to learn, grow & become better than you. You want them to be safe, have a passion for life, and have a set of core values to pass on to future generations. Whether they’re there on an academic or sports scholarship… or you’re paying… or they’re somehow paying their way (my route), it doesn’t matter. You want them to have teachers & other role models in the establishment that they can look up to… and can guide them through these tough years. One thing that I can say about Coach Petrino is that he has won football games… and he’s always looking for the next step up. Yes, Charlie Strong took a “next step up” when he took the Texas job leaving Louisville behind in the first place. That’s a fact. If you’re offered the exact same job for three times the pay, lower taxes, full control of staffing, a more established company & less of a “we don’t serve your kind ‘round here” vibe… You’d take that f**king job too. My beef is with giving the man who betrayed you before (and many others like you), cheated on his wife repeatedly, may be a pathological liar… and giving him the same job back 7-8 years later when you were better off without him… and you could’ve hired a myriad of other people who would do just as good of a job, if not better… and definitely be a better Leader for these young men. Then again, who knows? Maybe I’m wrong & he’s the Second Coming. Just win football games. That’s all that matters really.

 

Tuesday night, Dizzy & I watched “The Wolverine” starring Hugh Jackman yet again as the iconic X-Men Comics character. Now, I’m a HUGE fan of Marvel and their (at least recent) movie adaptations. HUGE!!! They’ve had great success & deserve every bit of it. That being said… I REALLY didn’t care for this movie. Like even a little bit… and it started early… and kept reminding me why throughout. Okay, I’m going to give you the first few minutes of the movie. Starts out in a Japanese POW camp 1945… and our mysterious mutant Logan (Jackman) is basically in an underground bunker-isolation chamber. How he got there is anybody’s guess really… because he IS Wolverine… but let’s say through some kind of miracle they drugged him & he woke up down there in the hole. Somebody in the crow’s nest sees a bomber coming in the horizon… yes… he’s in Hiroshima. The guards start opening the gates so that everybody can try to escape the coming bombing raid. A young guard opens Logan’s cage & he tells him to get down in the hole with him. No thanks, I’m going to fall on my sword for I have brought great dishonor to my country & famiry (not a typo). Moments before the atomic bomb lands & he falls on his sword, Logan grabs him, pulls him down in the hole… and basically goes Indy  & the Crystal Skulls with a nuclear bomb going off… but it’s okay, because the basically immortal Wolverine is holding a (rusty & holed) lead bunker lid kinda over this kid. Sure, he’s melting away but quickly regenerating… and radiation or intense heat don’t exist in this realm… but basically the kid is fine. They wait it out in the bunker for radiation to pass (I assume for the next 20 years, but probably more like… maybe 3 minutes?) and then this kid owes Logan. Smash cut to him waking up from a dream (MAJOR sign that this movie is going to suck even after all that). Who’s lying next to him in bed? Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) who died by his own claws in a previous movie. You know where this is going, right? After a pointless little conversation, smash cut to him waking up AGAIN (REAAALLLLLY BAD SIGN with the double dream wakeup that this movie is going to be hella lame). That being said, I still went with it… it’s a Wolverine movie.

  

So… the movie goes on. Basically Logan is living the Canadian wilderness or something as per usual when he’s being moody… and a Japanese girl finds him at a bar. She has been sent to let him know that the man he saved in Hiroshima (now… what? 90?) is dying (GASP!!!). However, he has to see Logan before he dies. “No thanks. I haven’t seen this guy in almost 70 years… or even thought about him until that crazy ass dream this morning.” “Oh, come on!” “Sigh… okay.” So he goes to see him… and he says that he wants to make Logan’s dream come true… to be mortal. WHAT? Okay… so… apparently… it’s the typical vampire-immortal BS drama… “Oh no, everybody around me dies… will I’m forced to be a perfect physical specimen for eternity, never wavering, bang a different chick every week (shooting blanks apparently BTW), having AMAZING & unrealistic powers, suffering no real consequences other than my own twisted personal issues, banging several different chicks every week… what’s that? I already mentioned that part? Well it’s a pretty big part of what I do with this CURSE of mine…” but the only twist with Wolverine… is he’s not restricted by vampire stuff like coming out only at night, killing innocent people to survive, or anything like that. He’s just an all-purpose badass… but yeah, thankfully this already-rotting Japanese guy wants to help him with all that mess. Long story short, he gets poisoned or something and becomes mortal… but now has to save the Japanese guy’s daughter (cuz she’s hot & like… six inches taller than anybody else in the movie other than the crazy evil chick, I think). The rest of the story you can kinda guess from there. By the way, while he’s apparently “mortal”, he’s shot… about 80 times… stabbed another dozen or so… and with samurai sabres, not just broken beer bottles… there’s an action scene on top of a bullet train going 200 MPH that’s just ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS in every conceivable way… MAJOR plot holes all around… complete disregard for anything resembling reality or laws of physics… all of the fight scenes are standard & stupid… bunch of yakuza run up, get stabbed, hundreds more where they came from… oh & this topper…

 

The final battle is with a giant 3-ton robot made entirely out of adamantium, which is the X-Men equivalent of Unobtainium. It carries any chemical property that it needs to have at that particular time. For example, it can have a light or heavy molecular weight… so you can either make a 12-foot tall, 3-ton robot… or it can be the entire skeleton of Logan/Wolverine who is a 5-foot-6, 200 pound man. Most known though is that it’s basically indestructible… unless apparently, there’s a superheated blade of the same adamantium… and then it cuts through other adamantium as if it were butter… because everybody knows that the best way to cut any metallic device is to heat the same metallic device to a point where by the law of transference, it would be hot enough to pass that heat along to the other metallic device, raising it to the point it would melt away. Of course, that basically means… you would have to get this heated device INSANE AMOUNTS HOTTER THAN THE OTHER DEVICE’S MELTING POINT… WHICH IS THE SAME DEVICE, BASICALLY TO LIQUID HOT MAGMA… ONLY YOU’D THEN BE WEILDING A BLADE OF LIQUID HOT MAGMA!!! There’s also a few times where 200 pound Logan jumps into the robot & forces it to move like five meters to fall off a side-railing or something. If my math is correct, he’d probably have to have launched himself something like 100 MPH to make that thing even budge… if it were standing still… and then he’s basically be hitting a brick wall… but that’s okay, because he’s an adamantium-boned, immortal badass, remember? I’m sorry… I… apparently elaborate more on the movies that I absolutely can’t stand than those that I actually liked. I basically do this so… you won’t want to see it & save two hours of your life by reading… about five minutes of my rants. So yeah, did not care for this movie at all. It was actually kind of insulting on just about every level. The action was bad, the plot was worse, there was a retardation in character development, just pass all around. I can’t believe this got better reviews than “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” or a multitude of other movies. I think a lot of critics out there are f**king idiots on the take from Hollywood… at least the professional ones… and I think that I’ll keep that opinion until I am one of those hypocritical f**ks. Until then, hopefully this helps.

 

We followed that up with another movie that we figured would be horrible… but were expecting it to be so… and then it went far beyond. The movie was “Dinosaur Island” on Netflix starring… you don’t know anybody from it... but produced by Roger Corman (more on him in the next movie review). The plotline read that a group of soldiers crash lands in the Blue Pacific (I’m assuming most of it is blue though during the day) and they wash up on an uncharted island. They soon discover that it’s inhabited by big-breasted virgin Amazonian warriors… and dinosaurs. The warrior village takes them in as Gods… but now they have to destroy The Great One (T-Rex) or face his wrath as they’ve been offering their virgins to appease him. Yup, that’s the plot. Oh… it was made in the mid-90’s too, like within a year of “Jurassic Park.” A few things… first & foremost, I think this was a “Skinemax” film back when Cinemax was starting because there’s a blatant gyrating breast and/or non-penetration sex scene every ten minutes like clockwork. Not entirely expected when Dizzy picked this movie. Also, the dinosaurs… are a mixture of hand puppets, Claymation & full body suits that despite being really horrible compared to CGI nowadays, I kind of enjoyed. Oh… and I think it’s supposed to be a cheesy bad comedy or something… so be prepared for bad jokes… luckily there are plenty of breasts to distract from all that though. Check it out if you want. It’s about 75 minutes long I think… so make a drinking game out of it. Big sip of beer for seeing a nipple, take a shot for sex scene, another sip for every time you hear somebody say “Great One” or some stupid sh*t like that.

 

Wednesday night, I watched a documentary called “Machete Maidens Unleashed!” that’s about the exploitation/grindhouse films that were shot & made in the Philippines back in the 60’s, 70’s & early 80’s. These were the gory, low-cost, bad-plot movies that would fill theatres & drive-ins for decades but because the Philippines were so much cheaper than shooting in Hollywood (and less laws there in the dictatorship that wanted movies to be made there), producer Roger Corman basically moved in & made a KILLING. They were turning out dozens of movies a year and because they didn’t cost much to make, they were all turning profits no matter how horrible they were. Probably the biggest star to really come out of the whole thing was Pam Grier (“The Big Doll House”, “Black Mama White Mama” and “Jackie Brown” once Tarantino wanted to make an exploitation film). Basically it goes through the history of it… and then in the late 70’s, Hollywood got wind of it and starting making movies like “Apocolypse Now” there… and then found that they could make exploitation films in-house with success of “Jaws” (think about it) and other big money makers… so the Filipino movie industry tapered off… but I found it amazingly interesting… and if you’re a fan of quirky movie making or marketing, I highly recommend that you check it out. It’s on Netflix of course.

 

Well, that’ll do it for tonight. Join us next time when Dizzy & I go on yet another Brewery-filled Weekend Adventure. This time… we head north on Highway 101 to tour& experience some of the more highly-respected breweries in NorCal – Anderson Valley Brewing in Boonville, Russian River Brewing in Santa Rosa & Lagunitas Brewing in Petaluma… maybe even a few more if we can squeeze them in… but we shall see. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Self Gratifying Sniff

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

It’s been a busy little time… but pretty good. Last weekend was mostly chilling at Dizzy’s house while she did final projects for her classes… and we also went up to Sacramento for a few hours Saturday night for a karaoke jam with her friend Lawyer at Hamburger Patty's. We also met up with one of her best friends & her husband for some Mexican food beforehand. Good times.

 

Wednesday night, Batgirl, Pixie & I went to a special free advance screening of “Star Trek Into Darkness” starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto & others. Now… just to point this out… Batgirl & Pixie are Trekkies… Batgirl almost to a borderline obsessive point… so my cool points went through the roof when A) I got tickets to a pre-screening of a movie she’s been waiting for years on and B) It was free… and in 3D. Anyway, the story is a while after the original reboot (some of these terms I have to use are just weird). Captain Kirk (Pine) is in some hot water because he broke some protocols & didn’t give a damn ala Maverick in Top Gun… but then there’s a terrorist act… sorry, explosion in London & a new threat has emerged. One of the starfleets other young guns has gone rogue… but not everything is making sense. Spoiler alert: He’s KAAAAAAAAHHHHHHN!!! I assume that’s the worst kept secret in Christendom. Regardless, the movie was actually pretty fantastic in my opinion. I’ve mentioned before that I was really impressed with the original reboot & this one didn’t disappoint. Sure, there are a few points in it that are really cheesy throwbacks to the original series & movies but overall… I REALLY enjoyed it. The guy who played Kahn (Benedict Cumberbatch) pretty much stole the show in my opinion, with his performance switching from a sort of controlled chaos to manipulative mastermind very fluidly. Big ups to him… and the other weren’t without their charms either but yeah, check it out. It’s a good sci-fi movie.

 

Now for a bad sci-fi movie… Thursday night, Dizzy & I watched “Galaxina” starring Dorothy Stratten. You may be asking, WHY? You know it’s a horrible movie when it’s sci-fi, early 80’s & starring a former playmate of the year, right? Correct… but still… I had to see HOW horrible… and it was… and not even in the good way really. Also, I had heard a story about the director Peter Bogdanovich & the lead actress having a relationship… then she died suddenly (overdose)… and the director finds comfort in her younger sister… like 14 years old younger sister… they’re married when she’s 18 (and he’s 40-something). Why would that make me want to watch a movie? I honestly don’t know… but fun fact I guess. Anyway, the story is about a ship in deep space with a ragtag crew… and a robot onboard called Galaxina (Stratten). Well, the crew is motley indeed… and it’s good to know that in the year 3008 that space travel is pretty mundane & people still wear cowboy hats & LA Dodgers shirts. Basically, during a 27 year cryo-mission, Galaxina learns to act like a real woman & falls in love with one of the crew members and… you know, it’s just horrible. The special effects are laughable, even by 80’s standards. Acting was non-existent really. There were a few scenes that were repeated, and it was stuff like her sitting in a glowing chair, which felt like they only had 15 minutes of footage that they tried to stretch into a full length movie. I couldn’t tell if it was trying to be serious or a comedy… and the occasional obvious jokes were just… not the least bit funny. More sad than anything. At least with a movie like Troll 2 you can kind of piece together a few laughs on how bad some of the stuff is but… this was just too slow pointless to even do that. Check it out if you’d like but… I wouldn’t even recommend it as a gaff.

 

Now for some news, which I haven’t really mentioned recently… but you’ll probably figure out why. Keep in mind… I’m actually in a fabulous mood…

 

Columbia Scholarship Controversy – Six days before her death in 1920, a wealthy Iowa divorcee living in a Manhattan hotel made a gift of half a million dollars to Columbia University. For reasons lost to history, the gift had strings attached, and now, more than 90 years later, one of those strings is bringing controversy to the Ivy League school. Lydia C. (Roberts) Chamberlain, a Jefferson, Iowa, native and owner of the turn-of-the-century Chamberlain Hotel that once existed in downtown Des Moines, established a fellowship for graduate students born in Iowa to attend Columbia. One catch: The students had to be white. (GASP!!!) Now, Columbia is seeking to change the terms of the Lydia C. Roberts Graduate Fellowship, which has stipulated that money be given only to "a person of the Caucasian race." Chamberlain left Columbia most of her $509,000 estate, but left a long list of restrictions for becoming Roberts fellows. Others: They must have graduated from an Iowa college or university, must not study law or several other fields, and must return to Iowa for two years after graduating. University officials filed court papers last week in support of earlier action by the estate's trustee, JPMorgan Chase, to change the provisions of the bequest that violate federal anti-discrimination laws. In addition to the race rule, Columbia seeks to modify the requirement that students be born in Iowa, and instead allow them to be residents. The university "may not discriminate based upon national origin," according to the affidavit.

 

Columbia released a statement Wednesday saying that it is "as offended as anyone by the requirements of these fellowships." "The fact is Columbia long ago ceased awarding the fellowships in question and does not follow gift conditions that violate anti-discrimination laws," the statement read. While many schools offer scholarships targeted toward racial minorities, the purpose of the award determines whether a scholarship discriminates. "There's a difference between considering race as a factor in giving a scholarship where you're trying to cultivate diversity, versus a scholarship where the intent is to exclude people based upon perceived inferiority of their race," said Angela Onwuachi-Willig, a law professor at the University of Iowa. Whoa whoa whoa… First off, you lost me a long time ago because that’s EXACTLY why there are minority scholarships… do discriminate against white applicants who allegedly have it better off. There’s no middle class now… we’re all broke… and college is ridiculously f**king expensive so that even the rich have to take loans to afford… so suck a bag of dicks on that argument that it’s racist… because they’re all racist… and who the f**k said anything about race inferiority? Nobody. Please, continue…

 

The intent behind Lydia Chamberlain's donation is unknown. "It could be the donor put 'white' in there because at the time most students at Columbia University were white," Onwuachi-Willig said. "But it also could mean that it was a direct intent to discriminate against students of color. I think that the university would have a right to contest the continued use of the fund under those restrictions." Universities, in general, must adhere to restrictions on gifts as long as they are legal, said Tiffani Shaw, University of Iowa Foundation chief operating officer. Shaw said she's not aware of any instance in which the University of Iowa received a donation with illegal restrictions, even though the majority of gifts have conditions in place. "We are happy to adhere to those intentions as long as they are lawful," she said. Whatever, here’s the best part I think…

 

The New York Daily News reported that Columbia hasn't awarded the fellowship since 1997. But a Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism scholarships and fellowships bulletin from 2006 lists the fellowship — without mention of a race restriction. Two recipients of the award told The Des Moines Register they had been unaware of the rule. "I didn't know race was part of the requirement," Timothy Polashek, a music professor at Transylvania University in Kentucky and a 1997 recipient of the Roberts fellowship, wrote in an email. Doug Gross, an attorney & 2002 Republican nominee for governor in Des Moines, received the fellowship for study at Columbia's School of International Affairs in 1977. "It was a great thing for me. There was no way I could have afforded it without that. I had no idea they had those limitations," he said. "I did know you had to be from Iowa. I thought that was weird." Did you catch it? The scholarship hasn’t even been awarded in 16 years… they were given this money for a scholarship… and the university didn’t award it to anybody, they’ve just pocketed it. Granted, when Ms. Chamberlain donated her money, a semester of tuition was $180 whereas now it’s over $45,000 for Columbia. That’s 250 times as much… that’s like a cup of coffee going from a nickel to $12.50 and let’s face it, the coffee now is better than the coffee was in 1920. Is the education better? Would you say 250 times better? Look, college is a f**king rip-off & all they do is screw everybody involved in the process. I went for a number of years… and that’s all I took away from the institution of it. Did I learn a few things? Of course… because I had initiative. Did I lose a shit ton of money for a piece of paper that’s been sitting in my mom’s basement for seven years & nobody has asked to see it? Yup. So let’s not get hung up on the possible racial implications of a scholarship that hasn’t been awarded this millennium, because it’s been established that they’re all pretty f**king racist. Let’s get on the point that all colleges do is make money… and occasionally teach once in a while… but not really. Anything you can learn at college you can learn somewhere else. I don’t have the figures in front of me but I believe there’s a study out there that shows that colleges have produced more drug addicted former students than graduates. Is it a direct correlation? Of course not… but yeah, nobody cares about the problems in the school system… what with all of this “racism” running rampant. Ninja please…

 

Cookie Jar Lotto - A man facing foreclosure on his Geneva, Illinois house found a solution to his problem in the unlikeliest of places—the cookie jar. Richard Cerezo was going through his old lottery tickets, which he kept in a cookie jar and took them to the 7-Eleven to see if he had any winners. For one of them, it turned out, he needed to file a claim, which meant the ticket was worth at least $600. Excited, he returned home and checked the numbers on his computer. From the Chicago Tribune: “As each number kept matching, the smile kept going higher and higher. And when I realized we had all six numbers, it was that shocking moment of, ‘Whoa, can this really be?’” he said in a news conference on Wednesday. “Fast forward to the next day, Monday: Called in sick ... went down into Chicago. It’s one of feelings where it’s okay if they fire me.” Cerezo spoke to lottery officials, who told him the ticket was worth $4.85 million. Cerezo told reporters that he purchased the ticket in February, which meant he'd been sitting on the fortune for months without realizing it. “It couldn’t have happened at a better time," Cerezo said, according to the paper. "I just thought, this is how God works." Cerezo said he plans to use part of the winnings to pay off his home. So… did he keep his job? Come on Chicago Tribune! Why tell a story about a man getting a seven digit lottery without the story of how he walked into his boss’ office & pinched a Cleveland Steamer right on his annual review, which was negatively impacted by his use of sick leave on Monday? Oh & believe me… it happened. How dare you use your benefits to an even mild extent? Followed by biased discipline. Don’t hate… I’m only being real. What would you do if you had some FU Money? You know… I’m thinking about making a scholarship in my name… to give back to the community. I’ll call it… the Dr. Mookie Tockenbaut Love Scholarship for the Advancement of Big-Tittied Gingers… with a few stipulations of course. Nothing racist… just that they have to have natural red hair & freckles… oh & at least 36C cups… that might be a tricky one to comply with given the other stipulations. Congrats on the winning, Mr. Cerezo!!! Enjoy all the new family members…

 

Robin Hood Sued - The city of Keene, New Hampshire, is suing a group of do-gooders for allegedly topping off parking meters of strangers. The group, which calls itself "Robin Hood and his Merry Men," likes to leave notes on the windshields of cars that are in danger of getting a ticket due to an expired meter, according to the Union Leader. A note reads, "Your meter expired; however, we saved you from the king’s tariffs, Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Please consider paying it forward.” The note then lists an address where people can send donations if they wish. According to the Union Leader, the city claims Robin Hood and his Merry Men have "intentionally taunted, interfered with, harassed and intimidated" the city's three parking enforcement officers. By the way, I’m totally picturing these guys in green tights & making mocking gestures to meter maidens. “Look John, that bonny lass from the Tool Box years ago actually WAS saving her penance for her education at university… and look at her now. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!” The suit also alleges that the group follows the parking enforcement officers around the city and uses video and radio equipment to coordinate their efforts. All told, six citizens are named in the city's lawsuit. One of the defendants, James Cleaveland, spoke to the Union Leader about it. "They say video recording or talking to them is harassing them, but I don't agree with that," he said. "So they want to establish a safety zone of fifty feet." The lawsuit, according to the Union Leader, lists a bit of trash-talking on the part of the Robin Hooders. In the filing, parking enforcement officer Linda Desruisseaux said, "Besides following me, crowding around me, making video recordings of my activities, and placing coins in expired meters to prevent me from writing tickets, these individuals repeatedly taunt and harass me, asking why I am stealing peoples' money and telling me to get another job ... In particular, Graham Colson likes to taunt me by saying, 'Linda, guess what you're not going to do today - write tickets.' Really? That’s what’s considered trash-talking in New Hampshire. F**king p**sies…

 

Anyway, the taunting and harassment allegedly tends to get worse when there is a group, as they try to one-up each other at my expense (gasp!!!). Another parking enforcement officer claims that he suffers from heart palpitations, stress and anxiety, and "dreams related to this activity." The city is concerned that the parking enforcement officers will quit (gasp!!!). That would cause a financial hardship, because the city would have to hire and train new officers, the suit claims. Members of the group were issued the lawsuit last week and have 30 days to respond. My response: B**ch please… with all due respect, which is very sparse, go f**k yourself! I have no sympathy for meter maids… kind of like I have no sympathy for rapists, murderers or the SS. Trying to sue some people who found a loophole in your f**king rape via government game on the grounds of they spoke in the attendants general direction in a gently mocking tone… that’s just f**king ridiculous. Two words: F**k you… I mean… Free speech. “Ah, it’s assault because I had a dream that they were there… just looking at me & I think they said something about a duck.” B**ch you crazy!!! Case dismissed… don’t like it? Get a real job…

 

Sorry for the Adam Carolla-esque rant today about the news… I’m even in a really good mood!!! They’re just so f**king stupid… and it’s all that’s reported on because there’s no real issues that can be talked about & even less that can actually be handled short of full-on revolution… but mostly it’s just the government screwing over everybody as the world’s largest organized crime syndicate… except they decide what’s a crime so they have a loophole… but hey, that’s America & the rest of the world.

 

This weekend should be a lot of fun with the ladyfriend Dizzy… as we’re going to San Jose for the BIG WOW Comic Convention. It’s been a while since I’ve been to one of these things… so it should be fun. I heard that THE Stan Lee will be there, but we’ll probably miss him. Still, great research for our budding comics career. Then in just over a week, Jackie D makes her triumphant return to the Bay Area… even if only for a week. It’s gonna be hella fun!!! Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Return of Bogi Harrison

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Been a little cold the past few days… but should warm up to normal by tomorrow in time for the weekend. Can’t wait. Work’s been busy… but yeah… three-day weekend followed by two days of work, then a five-day weekend. Boy howdy!!! Here’s some news…

Nevada Update – Oh, the things that make the news sometimes here in the Silver State. The misuse of one little vowel frustrates a lot of Nevadans who get irritated by the mispronunciation of the state's name — using an "ah" instead of "a." Outgoing (and enthusiastic?) Assemblyman Harry Mortenson is proposing more tolerance. The Las Vegas Democrat is working on a resolution for the 2011 legislative session to make the "Ne-VAH-da" pronunciation equally acceptable to the one with the short "a." Mortenson says he's not asking Nevadans to change. He just wants the Spanish pronunciation recognized. Nevadans have long bristled over the issue (allegedly). In 1944, Reno newspapers even scolded former heavyweight boxing champion Jack Dempsey for his "East Coast" pronunciation during an appearance. Oh yes… and there was a war going on during that time, ladies & gentlemen. Look, who gives a sh*t? 99% of the time that you’re referring to the state anyway is that you’re going to Vegas or Reno for the weekend… and nobody thinks you’re going to Las Vegas, New Mexico. I don’t know. I wouldn’t hold my breathe though. I’m still waiting for the Arkansas legislature to process my correct pronunciation of Ar-Kan-Zas. Something about not being a citizen of the state will get you thrown out of a discussion pretty quick. It shouldn’t though. That’s being… State-ist or something. Judging not by the content of my character… but by the location of my home for tax purposes.

Julio Iglesias Married – Since we’re talking about Spanish pronunciations, I thought I’d mention that one of my favorite singers, the great Spanish singer Julio Iglesias (yes, Enrique’s dad) has married Dutch model Miranda Rijnsburger, his partner for the past 20 years. The 66-year-old singer announced the marriage in a statement to Spanish newspapers. The wedding took place at the Virgen del Carmen church in the southern jet-set resort of Marbella. Rev. Roberto Rojo Aguado, one of three priests who celebrated the ceremony, told The Associated Press on Friday that the couple were married Tuesday. He said the ceremony was attended by two witnesses and the couple's five children. Rijnsburger is 45. Iglesias was previously married to Isabel Preysler, with whom he had three children (including Enrique). Just a little tid-bit… and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to listen to the “Tango” album.

I’m Hear About the Blow Job - A number of Dutch colleges are considering legal action against the publisher of a move-in guide for new freshmen, after the company included an ad recruiting students for jobs as online sex workers. The "Student Information Guide 2010-2011," which was handed out in recent weeks, included an ad offering the chance to earn money by engaging in sexual activities in front of webcams (oh yes, you can get paid for that). Leiden University said in a statement on its website that it had nothing to do with the guide, produced by Mediadam BV, and that it had filed a complaint with the company and was considering further action. Dutch news agency ANP reported on Tuesday that at least two other colleges have made complaints with Mediadam and are considering their options. A Mediadam director told ANP the company acknowledged it had made an error and that it had never stopped to think the guide could potentially be distributed to minors… because seriously, how many Doogie Howsers are there? The thing is… I sold my seed (cheaply) to the University of Utah when I went there to help make ends meet. If there was a way for me to make a little tuition money by shaking my moneymaker online for some creepy dude half the world away while I wear my Don Juan Demarco mask, I’d probably done it. If I were a hot Dutch coed, most definitely. Education ain’t free.

Lennon’s Crapper – Ever wonder where John Lennon thought of his timeless classic songs? Well, my theory… is what was just sold at auction, his toilet. Think about it… Rodin’s “Thinker” statue… is obviously a man on the John. It’s wear all of us greats do our best thinking. Oh yes. My incoherent ramblings would be the next great American novel if I kept my laptop in the bathroom… but with my new webcam, you ain’t getting that show for free. Alas, you get what I remember from my porcelain epiphanies. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. A toilet that belonged to late Beatle John Lennon fetched 9,500 British pounds ($14,740) at auction on Saturday, around 10 times its estimate, the sale organizers said. Lennon, who was murdered in New York in 1980, had the porcelain lavatory removed from Tittenhurst Park in Berkshire, southern England, where he lived from 1969 to 1971, and replaced with a new one. The builders who took away the white and blue lavatory were told to "put some flowers in it or something," according to the auction catalog. Builder John Hancock (the other one) stored it in his shed for 40 years until he died recently and the lavatory was sent for sale, British media reports said. The toilet was among Beatles memorabilia sold at auction as part of the Beatle week festival in Liverpool, the group's native city in northwest England. The pre-auction estimate was 750 to 1,000 pounds. Anne-Marie Trace, who works at the Beatles Shop in Liverpool which organized the sale, said the high price paid had taken the organizers by surprise. "I think it's the most unusual item we've ever had in our auction," she told Reuters. The buyer was not identified but Trace said it was likely it was "going overseas." Seriously, it’s a toilet. Do you think that if Shakira sold one of her toilets that somebody would pay about a hundred times the original cost? Only one way to find out. Sell a toilet seat that has caressed your cheeks & donate the difference to your charity, Shakira. I know I’ve told you that idea before when we were partying in Miami but… this is just proof that not all of my ideas are crazy (like our beautiful children). So anyway, Lennon’s toilet sold for as much as Gretchen did. Go figure.

Frankenstein’s Mugshot - Ohio police say a Toby Keith fan named Forrest Frankenstein threatened them and beat his head against a partition in their cruiser after his arrest. The 39-year-old Frankenstein appeared Monday before a judge who asked why he "went crazy" at the Aug. 27 concert in Cincinnati. Frankenstein replied that he had been drinking and didn't really remember anything (we’ve all been there). Frankenstein, of Hamilton, is being held on $80,000 bond on counts of menacing, disorderly conduct and vandalism. Seriously, what else are you going to do at a Toby Keith concert? They never mentioned why Forrest threatened them. Did the police tell him to calm down and he flipped? Who knows? Who cares? Is his REAL name Forrest Frankenstein? That’s like a horror-porn name… along the lines of Dirk Dracula and the Polter-Gasm (I have screenplays if you’re interested). Did we already play the game with your porn name – where it’s your first pet’s name and the street you grew up on? I forget… but my porn name is Bogi Harrison. Pretty nice, right? What’s yours?

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Have a pretty exciting time of vacation coming up so don’t be afraid if I miss a day or two (like you do anyway). Can’t wait to see “Machete” next week. All the reviews coming in say that it’s campy, bloody & horrible… which is exactly what I want to see. Have a great day everybody!!!

Memoirs of The Monarch

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Okay, so a few times last week, I kind of eluded to the fact that my Road Trip was a fantastic experience and gave me a lot of time to not only enjoy all the many blessings that I’ve been given in this wonderful life…but also reflect on the past, contemplate the future, and just get a good frame of reference on everything $teve. I’d like to share with you some of my findings…and if you’re not interested, I completely understand. However, maybe you’ll find a little something in here that will help you out too. That’s the main reason for me putting this down. I don’t really like talking about myself that much. “Really? How many blog entries are you up to now, $teve?” Silence. For I am about to speak…

Looking back, my past can pretty much be broken down into three distinct nine-year segments, which I’ll call my Larva, Pupa & Adult stages…with obvious reference to my metamorphosis into The Monarch, King of the Butterflies. By the way, watch Venture Brothers. It’s hilarious. Anyway, during my Larva stage (0-9), I was your typical child. My Family was my world. It was basically all that I knew. Not a bad thing, that’s for sure…because my parents are the best. I’m sure that you may have the opinion that your parents are the best…and that’s cool…but my parents are the best in my own humble opinion. Not only my parents, but I also had my little brother, all my grandparents, my great-grandparents, 25 sets of aunts & uncles, which led to a LOT of cousins. I was a good kid. A bit of a nerd. I loved dinosaurs (long before Jurassic Park, more like…Dino Riders & Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend in those days) and animals and just wanted to know everything about everything. It was truly a charmed life.

In the Pupa stage (9-18), I started going to school & learning (as opposed to the glorified daycare of the first few years of school) and friends became more of a central figure in my world. This is where my brothers from another mother Isaiah & Andy (Spitso) came into play…and they stuck around. During this stage though, my charmed life had its first run-ins with adversity. I still remember the day when my Grandpa J died. He had been battling cancer for a while…but some of my happiest memories were going out on the garbage truck with him after a breakfast of coffee & donuts. Before that, I’d never really known anybody who died. Then a few years later, my Grandpa Love died suddenly of a heart attack on the 4th of July. Then Grandma Love a few years later after a lengthy battle with cancer. Then my parents got divorced. All of this, compounded with the hormones of puberty & not having a lot of friends after moving a few times, was a really rough time for me. In junior high, I had a few suicidal moments of thought. Why? I don’t even remember specifically. More than likely, some stupid sh*t that didn’t matter a few weeks later. However, over the next few years, a few of my classmates committed suicide…and a few more died in car accidents. Not exactly the most incredible time of my life…but I was lucky. Whenever I had those crazy thoughts, my mom was there for me…or my dad when I had questions about my changing body or bike maintenance or whatever (when he wasn’t drinking). I also had a few good friends…and basketball. Whenever I needed to just mull things over, I would go out to the nearest basketball court and shoot some hoops. Imagining my future as an NBA superstar, donating 90% of my salary to worthwhile charities, directing movies in the off-season, traveling the world (furthest I had gone to this point was LaCrosse, Wisconsin) and just living it up while providing for my family & friends. I got fantastic grades in school (because I’m a smart body, not just a smart ass) but really the only place that was offering me a scholarship was Weber State…and I didn’t want to go there (since it wasn’t even a basketball scholarship). All in all, this portion of my life was mostly about Friends and learning about heartache.

Then came the Adult stage (18-27), where I was off to college. First stop was a five-week trip across Europe, from Greece up through to Britain. My first taste of real traveling…and since then, I’ve almost developed an insatiable appetite for it. A few years later, I got my first taste of sweet lovin’…and since then, I’ve also developed an insatiable appetite for it. As mentioned yesterday, I went to college for seven years & got two degrees…and it was a wonderful experience…but a little overrated. It’s great if you’re looking for learning a particular trade or need some structure…or just to meet people in your age group. However, I thought that I was focused in getting a degree in Engineering & making the basketball team as a walk-on…but soon found out that I didn’t want to be an Engineer…and they didn’t want me to lead them to March Madness. So then there was a time where I was basically “wasting money” trying to find myself & what I wanted to be when/if I grew up. Teaching, psychology, sociology, mythology, ballroom dancing, economics, physical education, f**king creative writing, these are just some of the actual classes that I took after I had decided that engineering & physics wasn’t the path for me (though I did have a knack for it). All the while, I was working full-time to make tuition payments for my full-time studies. That may have been the best teaching of all. I learned to prioritize, schedule, live on a budget, maximize my efficiency, sleep four hours a day (if I was lucky), and I was also able to travel the world a bit more & have new experiences. Then I found that marketing & business was more my field…so I got my degrees & decided to stop going to school, at least for a little while (going on four years now). So basically, the Adult stage, though still heavily rooted in family & friends, was more about Finding Myself & my Career.

That takes me up to about two years ago when I started my Monarch stage. Basically, that started when I decided that it was time for a change. Though I had been born & raised in Utah…and my family was well rooted there, maybe Utah wasn’t the place for me. I was no longer content with my job…and wanted something more, bigger, better, different. This was, as the record will show, when I decided that Vegas was to be the new home of Doctor Love, then I ended up being in Denver, then back to Utah, and now I’m in Tahoe. As many of my friends reading this know, I’ve thought about a lot of things…and have discussed most of them with you…as well as had ample time to reflect, basically flying solo in my adventures to Denver & Tahoe. Am I still trying to find myself? A little bit…but I’ve pretty much found out who I am…and though I really like who I am, I’m determined to be better everyday. Do I know what the future holds? Of course not. I have my career & I live in one of the most beautiful places in all of creation right now though…and I plan on taking full advantage of it, because you never know how long it’s going to last. Heck, I’ve already been here as long as I was in Denver. So what’s the next step? Well, knowing who I am, I’d really like to start a family. Obviously there’s a LOT of steps between here & there…and I’m not one to rush into something like that…but I’m saving up financial resources, starting to get out there into the social resources and find my future mate, learning skills necessary for child rearing, basically everything I can do on my part to prepare for that special someone (Doctor Girlfriend?) that I want to raise a family with. Am I even close to achieving this? Not at all…but great things happen suddenly. So in shorthand, my stages breakdown like this…

Larva – My Family
Pupa – My Friends
Adult – My Self
Monarch – My Future Family

You know that when you reflect on your past, along with your present & future, you often think about regrets…or what if’s? What if my parents had never divorced? Stupid thought. They’re happier now. They remarried to the best stepparents you could ever dream of. Even if they hadn’t, they’re happier being apart. What if I had gone to Weber State instead of the U? Or somewhere outside of Utah to begin with? Things would’ve been different obviously…but maybe not for the better. I had some rough times financially…and I had to move into my dad’s basement for a few years (paying rent) to make ends meet. Without them, I probably wouldn’t have had much of an education at all, especially with deciding to switch so many times. What if I would've moved to Vermont a few years back...for a great girl? I'd probably have an annoying f**king Boston accent or something. What if I had somehow become that NBA superstar / director / philanthropist (not full-on rapist)? I may be a little more wealthy. Then again, I may have also felt the constant pressure of always pleasing others expectations on an epic global scale, developed an addiction to pain killers, had trysts with many a questionable liaison, have six baby mamas in four states, friends & family that I can’t trust, until one day I just say f**k it and overdose leaving behind a horribly disfigured corpse. Instead of the mighty, healthy, happy Adonis that you see before you today. The point is that what’s done is done…and sometimes what seems like disappointment in one phase of your life, turns out to be a great thing during the next phase. Would I have been able to travel if I was in the NBA? Maybe…or maybe I would have to spend 9 months out of the year in Detroit, playing for the Pistons and sleeping on a bus, then spend the rest of the time in rehab for my knees. If I had gone to Weber State, I would’ve probably never met all the wonderful friends that I have today, nor started on my current career, nor had the opportunities to travel the world like I have over the last decade. I would’ve also had to wear a lot of purple…and unless it’s crushed velvet, it’s just not for me, baby. Basically, the path that has led me here is really the best path. Hard times make hard men…which explains why I’m so hard…all the time. Seriously. Big thanks to all my family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances and whoever else has made this all possible.

So yeah, that’s basically the epiphany that I have had over the last little while…typed up in about an hour in quite possibly the most nonsensical format imaginable. The Road Trip helped to clarify some things about family, friends, life choices, knowing when you have to do for you instead of for others & vice versa, prioritizing, and basically just playing the game of Life. So as I progress through my Monarch stage…and verge on world domination, thank you again for listening to my ramblings…and hopefully this helped you a bit too, instead of just wasted about ten minutes of your life. You’re not the only one who may be confused with their position in life…and what to do next. If you ever need somebody to talk to, Dr Love is always available, 24 hours a day (as some of you know firsthand). Oh...and I'll leave you with some inspirational thoughts & life lessons from The Monarch. My favorite line - "You think you're hot sh*t in a champagne glass...but you're really cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup..." Have a great day everybody!!!

St Patrick Saves Us From Apocalypse

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again. Well yeah, it’s St. Patrick’s Day where he postponed the Apocalypse from starting by killing snakes on the Emerald Isle centuries ago or chased dragons off or whatever it was exactly (still want to make a kick-ass movie with a drinking game where you take a shot every time a redhead tries to seduce St. Patrick…which will be plentiful) but that’s not what I’m talking about. This time, I’m referring to March Madness, which officially started yesterday…and so far, my bracket is sitting at 100% with a mere 63 games to go. Arkansas-Pine Bluff started the season 0-11 and now has the pleasure of losing to Duke in the first round of the tournament. Why did I pick them to beat Winthrop (based in Rock Hill, SC)? Well, they started 0-11 and have now gone 18-4 since then. They’re on a roll. I have a few surprises coming up in my bracket…like Cornell & Utah State making it to the Sweet 16 but honestly, I have all four number one seeds making up the Final Four. They’re just honestly the best four teams out there by far. Rather than bore you with all my picks, I’d rather get you better acquainted with some of the colleges represented in the tournament. I did this a few years ago, so it might be a little review…but here you go. Oh…and UConn women’s team is going to embarrass the rest of the field. That’s how it is when you basically sign the All-American team every year. Anyway, here you go…

Men’s Bracket Awareness

UTAH STATE – Ah yes, the Aggies are based in the beautiful campus of Logan, Utah. I’ve made a few trips up there in my high school days (engineering & academic nerd competitions). I think the spirit of Merlin Olsen may be watching over them this weekend.

Lehigh – Representing the college in both the men’s & women’s brackets, they are based in the little town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Where I believe Football Jesus was born before he set roots in South Bend, Indiana. Tehehe, this university was founded in 1865 by a man named Asa Packer. I’m not joking. He went into politics too. He was a congressman. It’s okay though…because Lee Iacocca attended here…and he did alright.

Northern Iowa – Again in both brackets, they are in Cedar Falls, Iowa. That’s it. Like their state motto says, “Hope you brought something to do” Interestingly enough, Kurt Warner played football here, then bagged groceries for a few years, then rewrote the Super Bowl record books. True story.

New Mexico State – Las Cruces, NM – Most interesting thing I could find was their fight song, which is fitting for today because it states “And when we win this game, we’ll buy a keg of booze / and drink it to the Aggies / till we wobble in our shoes A-G-G-I-E-S!!!” What better college fight song?

Vermont – They’ve made it to both tournament…and in basketball this time, not hockey. Oh…and they’re in lovely Burlington, VT. You know, where they have coat factories, I think. Besides hockey players like John LeClair & Martin St Louis, apparently Ben Affleck spent a semester here…before going to Harvard to hang out with Matt Damon while he was a janitor solving math problems.

Vanderbilt – Located in Nashville, Tennessee and named after Commodore Cornelius Vanderbilt. As you might expect, there are a lot of notable alumni here like Al Gore.

Murray State – No, Murray isn’t a new state in the Union, they’re just based in Murray, Kentucky. Any basketball fans out there? Well, the pioneer of the jump shot & hall of famer Joe Fulks went here and then joined the marines during WWII. Now you know.

Oakland – Yes, there are colleges in Oakland, California…but not this one. “Wait, what do you mean it’s actually in Auburn Hills, Michigan? That’s ridiculous.” Indeed it’s true. It’s located in Oakland County. That’s where the name comes from. Oh it’s even better. Have you ever wondered where “Booger” from “Revenge of the Nerds” went to college? No, not Adams College. Here. Along with David Hasselhoff & Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund).

North Texas – Located in Denton, TX and the alumni include musicians Roy Orbison, Meat Loaf, Don Henley, Norah Jones, & Pat Boone. As well as behemoths among men like “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, “Mean” Joe Greene & Dr. Phil.

East Tennessee State – These Buccaneers are in Johnson City, TN. Hmm, since they’re in both tourneys, I wonder what the Lady Bucs wear… Hmm… Kenny Chesney got a degree in Advertising from here.

Cornell – My sleeper Sweet 16 pick hails from Ithaca, New York and was founded in 1865 by Ezra Cornell. The champion of the Ivy League (at least in basketball) has learned 28 Rhodes Scholars & 41 Nobel laureates and some Cornellians include Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Janet Reno, Adolph Coors, C. Everett Koop, Dr. Atkins (from that f**king diet), Henry Heimlich (“It’s not dry humping, I’m saving this woman’s life”), Joyce Brothers, E.B. White, Dick Schaap, Keith Olberman, Bill Maher, Jimmy Smits, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (no kidding), Huey Lewis, Pop Warner & Christopher Reeve.

Wofford – Established as an independent liberal arts college in Spartanburg, SC in 1854 by Methodist Reverend Benjamin Wofford with a bequest of $100,000. Now you know.

Morgan State – Founded in Baltimore, MD in 1867 as Centenary Biblical Institute, renamed after Rev. Lyttleton Morgan in 1890. Most famous alumni, probably Academy Award winning actress & comedian Mo’Nique.

Siena – I have this Loudonville, NY school upsetting Purdue…and then losing to Utah State. You heard it here first.

Sam Houston State – Hey kids, Dan Rather went here. The Bearkats (not misspelled) are oddly enough in Huntsville, TX which is about a 45 minute drive from Houston. Oh well, that’s not too bad. Stephen F. Austin University is in Nacogdoches, which is about five hours from Austin (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heaaaart of Texas.

Old Dominion – Named after the nickname for Virginia given by an English king…but not founded until 1930, it’s located in the city of Norfolk, VA and is basically produced two of women’s basketball’s greatest & most influential players, Anne Donovan & Nancy Lieberman.

Robert Morris – Again, located in Pittsburgh, PA and named after “the other guy” that helped finance the Revolutionary War (along with Alexander Hamilton). He signed the Declaration of Independence.

Women’s Bracket

Southern – Black college in Baton Rouge, LA that I’m familiar with thanks to the most misunderstood commentator in sports & former Spurs great Avery Johnson but it also boasts alumni like baseball legend Lou Brock, jazz musician Branford Marsalis, THE Randy Jackson (“Yo dawg”) and David Banner (and yes, I’ll be singing “Cum” while typing the rest of this entry)

James Madison – Founded in 1908 as the State Normal & Industrial School for women in Harrisonburg, VA in the beautiful Shenandoah Valley, it has changed names a few times before settling on our shortest Commander-in-Chief. However, probably it’s most famous & infamous graduate…is Scott Norwood (a.k.a. Ray Finkle?) who went into hiding shortly after Super Bowl XXV.

Middle Tennessee State – Former VP Al Gore may have gone to Vanderbilt in Nashville…but his daddy went to MTSU in Murfreesboro, TN.

Austin Peay – Located in Clarksville, TN and renamed after the Governor who died in 1927.

Marist – Adjective meaning having to do with the Holy Mother…and a college in Poughkeepsie, NY. Also were “The Flying Dutchman” NBA center Rik Smits & hate monger Bill O’Reilly went to school.

Lamar – Located in Beaumont, TX and originally named…wait for it… South Park Junior College when founded in 1923. Then in 1932, it renamed itself after Mirabeau B. Lamar, the 2nd President of the Republic of Texas (after Sam Houston). Janis Joplin & the Big Bopper skipped classes there for different reasons.

DePaul – The largest Catholic university in America and located in Chicago, IL. Named after St. Vincent de Paul who promoted philanthropy, that I did not know. Alumni include Scully (Gillian Anderson), Tom Bosley, Joe “Fat Tony” Mantegna, John C. Reilly, & NBA legend George Mikan,

Liberty – Founded in 1971 by Jerry Falwell (oh yes, THAT Jerry Falwell) and is among my favorites because it’s a fundamentalist Baptist / Evangelical Christian university…and it’s located in Lynchburg, Virginia. What else is located there? That’s right. The Jack Daniels distillery. Mmm mmm… Just kidding. That's in Lynchburg, TN. Everybody (with a drinking problem) knows that.

Anyway, that’ll about do it for my educational trip today. Maybe I’ll have to see who makes it to the Women’s Sweet 16 in Sacramento next weekend. May be worth a few bucks. Back to St. Patrick’s Day…

Be Careful at the Bar – Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a night of levity for Irish of any nationality…but please be careful, use a designated driver, and if something’s too good to be true, it just might be. For example, a middle school teacher was accused of biting off part of a man's ear during a confrontation at a St. Paul, Minnesota diner. Prosecutors said the 30-year-old woman was drunk when she attacked the man at the Uptowner about 4 a.m. Sunday (Really? Drunk at 4 AM on a Sunday? What evidence do you have?). Here’s where it gets good though. A criminal complaint said the 33-year-old man was eating with friends when one made a comment about one of the women with the suspect (“Oh no he didn’t!”). The complaint says the suspect approached the group of men, licked the victim's ear, then bit off part of it. So step by step, let me break this down for you. A friend of the victim…made a comment about a friend of the suspect. Not the victim referred to the suspect in a negative manner…but a friend of to a friend of. Then the suspect approached the group of men (probably stumbling along the way). This is where it gets REALLY interesting. My guess…is that the suspect approached the victim in a seductive manner…probably having no idea whether he was the one who made the comment or not…but figured it was a good guess. She said a few cute things in an awkward, slurred manner as she sat on his lap (What’s he supposed to do? Throw her off?), leans in to whisper something, gives a little lick on the lobe, his friends react with cheers at this free amateur lap dance…and then she bites down, rips off a piece of ear, spits it to the side (not a swallower) and walks back to her friends, laughing like a hyena & saying “Don’t be talkin’ bout my girl like that!!!” It’s one of those situations that seem like a movie scene, where your wettest fantasy turns into a horror flick with the flip of a switch (like Jennifer’s Body…only in real life). So yeah, be careful out there everybody…and play safe.

That’ll do it for today. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been crock potting a corned beef with potatoes, carrots, pearl onions, and a few shots of Crown Royal (it’s not Irish…but it’s what I had for whiskey) all day…and I’m ready to try it out before hitting the bars for some Irish Carbombs & Guinness. Let’s toast to your health & pray we all don’t get “strep throat” again. Have a great night everybody!!!