Friday, January 24, 2014

Vin Diesel: Our Generation's Stallone

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Not a whole lot going on this week… checking out LegalZoom’s services regarding our brewing adventure… but more to come on that in the next few months… met up with Bubbles for dinner last night, she’s doing good… other than that, pretty low key. Oh! Adam Carolla is coming to do a show just a few blocks from my crib at the Palace of Fine Arts on May 18th, so I got a few great tickets for that for myself & Dizzy. Nice little thing before the cruise the following week… yeah, maybe I spoil her… but I wanna go too!
Tuesday night, we watched “Timestalkers” on Netflix starring William Devane & Lauren Hutton (“Once Bitten”) as well as a few small parts for John Ratzenberger (“Cheers”), Tracey Walter (“Conan”) and the late great Uncle Phil… sorry, James Avery from “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” fame. Apparently because “Back to the Future” was so successful, they made this movie two years later in 1987 about a widowed Wild West enthusiast professor (Devane) who notices a photograph from the 19th century with a 357 Magnum (1980’s street weapon), looks into it… and inadvertently kinda sets the basis for time travel… six hundred years later. Now he pairs with a woman from the 26th century (Hutton) to catch another time traveler from changing the course of history back in the Old West. Basically, it’s Back to the Future meets Timecop… but with the budget of a 80’s comedy and the era’s special effects. There are LOTS of holes in the plot, so don’t even try to look… they’ll find you… but yeah, just a quick easy little flick that you might enjoy… especially if you’re nostalgic for 80’s stuff. Again, it’s on Netflix. Enjoy.
Also this past weekend, we watched the latest installment of the legendary series… “Fast & Furious 6” starring the late Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Dwayne “THE ROCK” Johnson, Tyrese & LUDA!!! So… sadly I’ve seen all of the movies in this series except number 3 “Tokyo Drift” because… frankly, I’m not sure WHY I’ve seen the other five. Here’s what the movie has… fast cars doing lots of stunts, GALLONS of gun butter greasing up ripped dudes like Vin Diesel & the Rock, a few waif chicks who… eh, aren’t really aren’t my type (Jordana Brewster, Gal Gadot, etc… though Gina Carano is a’ight), the plot’s always something like “They have to do bad… to do good” or some sh*t and it’s really just them getting themselves into trouble… but luckily they can go to exotic locations and live worry free… until the Rock shows up to get them together for “one last gig”. Well, as per usual, the Rock finds them chilling & living the good life… but then he has a photograph… of Dom’s (Diesel) ex-girlfriend (Rodriguez) who apparently died back in F&F 4. “What? She’s alive? That’s probably a fake… but I hafta be sure.” Sidenote: WHY? You have a Brazilian girl that you’ve been bangin’ steady for two movies now… you live in the Canary Islands who don’t believe in extradition… you’re a millionaire… basically if she’s not trying to reach you, maybe staging her death is just her way of saying “It’s not working out”. What’s that? OH!!! AMNESIA!!! Of course… who the f**k cares?
Another side note: Six months ago when Jackie D was visiting, she went to see this movie… and I asked her about it. “Oh it’s the BOMB!!! They really did a good job of bringing back characters & tying all of the movie together.” “Bringing back who? Michelle Rodriguez?” “Yeah.” “How did they… sigh… did she have amnesia?” “N… No…” “Jackie D… did they pull the soap opera method of writing out to bring back Michelle Rodriguez?” “NO! It’s a well-written…” So they used amnesia… but she knew that if she told me, I’d probably never see it. Of course I was going to see it anyway, because I like action movies… especially really stupid & unnecessary sequels of genres that I never really like in the first place (since they rolled the Chevelle back in the original).
Anyway, so the other twist is that now SHE’S WORKING FOR THE BAD GUYS!!! As in, because she’s a criminal for life anyway, she hooked up with the biggest baddies in the world (Luke Evans) that aren’t in hiding from their previous five movies, and now they’re planning on stealing a weapon that would kill millions… nay, BILLIONS & shift the global power structure to whoever bought it from them… blah blah blah… people that couldn’t film for more than a few days are kidnapped, laws are broken repeatedly, explosions, car chases were innocent bystanders are killed, nonsensical plot twists… okay, here’s one.
They finally get the bad guy… and are about to recover a bunch of the pieces of this ultimate weapon… mission accomplished… but then Paul Walker’s girlfriend is kidnapped by the bad guy’s henchmen while he’s handcuffed… and this is verified by them calling Paul Walker on his cell phone. The bad guy then starts with this whole “So here’s what’s going to happen…” as he’s going on & on… I would walk up to him, drop kick his f**king face… grab the closest power drill… and start to completely mangle all non-vital areas with the power drill while he screams for mercy & I’m completely surrounded by armed guards. I then pick up the phone… and go cold ass Liam Neeson on his ass. “Listen up bitch… your boss has already signed the certificate for his slow & painful death… but there’s still a chance for you to save yourself & everybody that you care about. So here’s what’s going to happen… you’re going to escourt my wife back to my mansion, she’s going to kick you in the nuts… probably twice… you WILL thank her for the courtesy of stopping. Next, you will clean up anything in the mansion that you destroyed, taking an inventory of such, and I will expect full restoration within 10 business days (I’m not a complete monster, his paycheck is literally getting drilled by me in the worst possible way). Next, your group goes to their respective homes… tells their families that they love them… and you change your line of work. If you do all of this, then I won’t hunt you down.” About this time, bad boss man is screaming “Don’t listen to him! Kill her! Arrrgh… (choking on his own blood)” “Could you excuse me for just a moment? (screams & drilling noises like at the world’s worst dentist office) Hey, I’m back. So… is she back home watching soap operas yet? Or do I have to fly back home? Because I don’t know if you’ve been watching the movie so far… but I can basically teleport on a moment’s notice.” Look, you may think I’m cold hearted because I’m risking them killing my baby mama… but… you’re not seeing the obvious big picture… first off, there’s about a 20% chance that he’s going to let her live anyway… secondly, if you let him go… with that ultimate weapon, you’ve just killed potential BILLIONS!!! Besides, you also have about a 70% chance that she gets amnesia from being shot in the head & comes back in a sequel anyway… and your child is safe with Vin Diesel’s hotter Brazilian girlfriend (hotter than Michelle Rodriguez and NOT WORKING FOR THE BAD GUYS!!!) who’s obviously pretty open to any & all situations because… I feel like she’s not a real character in the series… she’s just there. So yeah, that’s why I go Dr. Love, DDS on his bitch ass if he threatens me in that situation. One of many similar situations in the movie that just don’t work for me.
Also, there were a few times where... we honestly had to stop, rewind, repeat a few times... just to find out what Vin Diesel was trying to say. There's one point in the movie where... I'm not sure if this is an exact quote... but it's right after the whole above situation... and he says something like "Those words were taken away when we were born" but it took about five times on repeat... and just an assumption that it had something to do with the previous statement to piece it together. I've basically come to the conclusion that Vin Diesel is this generation's Sylvester Stallone, whether good or bad. Sly has made some great movies... and some horrible sh*t in his time... and Vin Diesel has done the same. Sly has three solid franchises to his name (Rocky, Rambo & Expendables) where Vin current has Fast & Furious (legit), the whole Riddick thing (technically a trilogy) and... he may be coming back to do "XXX" or he's a voice in the whole "Guardians of the Galaxy". Sly's third trilogy didn't come until he was a good 30+ years into the game. They've both directed (Diesel not nearly as much but... wait until F&FXXV), they're both known for their great physiques & questionable plotted action flicks... and they both can barely speak for whatever reason. Annunciation is not their thing. Just something to keep an eye on as his career progresses... or regresses... whatever.
So yeah… I rag on it… but it’s an action movie. What do you really expect? If you’ve seen the first five… you’ll like this one… and the next seven or so until all the actors die off (too soon?) but I’m actually kind of excited for number seven. Not just for the picking out where they switched Paul Walker with a stand-in & superimpose his dreamy blue eyes… but… oh God… I don’t want to ruin it… but it’s already on IMDB so… f**k it. A few seconds into the credits… you find out… The Transporter (Jason Statham) is apparently the bad guy’s older brother… and he’s looking for VENGEANCE!!! AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!! F**king LOVE Hollywood!!! I’d be seeing it this summer if somebody had a professional driver (again, too soon?). It’s a tragedy… it really is… but still. I’ve probably said it… close to a hundred times on this blog. No exaggeration. Drink & drive responsibly, ladies & gentlemen! Here’s some news…
Damn, That’s a Cold Ass Honky - Newborn baby Bella Sophia Bonanni entered the world in quite a unique, wintery fashion. It was early in the morning when Bella’s mother, Shirley Kim Bonanni of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (not Mississippi) awoke to contractions that were 10 minutes apart. As reported by WPVI Action News, Shirley, not a first time mother, thought there was still time before she would go into labor. So, she was surprised when she, “Took a shower and after the shower it was like back to back contractions. And once we got out of the house there was no way that we were going to make it to the hospital.” Apparently this child snuck up on her like diarrhea. When Bella’s grandparents arrived to watch Logan, Shirley and Fabian’s 2-year-old son, the couple attempted to get to the hospital. But the family’s home sits on a steep hill and Shirley’s husband, Fabian was unable to drive the car up to get to his wife. Shirley was also unable to walk down the hill. That was not a problem because her well-prepared husband had a plan B in place: a sled. He told WPVI, "It seemed like it was walkable to the car. But I had the sleds just in case it was super-slippery, because we had that ice storm like a week or two ago." In minus 15 degree wind chills, Fabian placed Shirley in the sled and began to push her down to the car (wait, you mean… guide her down, not push her down the slippery hill on the sled, right?) and that’s when Bella decided it was time for her birth. Typical woman! Neighbors heard Shirley’s screams and helped the parents and grandparents with the delivery. Their neighbor, George Leader, told WKYW CBS Philly what happened on the side of the street in the sled, “The father right there. I was on the phone with 911 talking him through it. The in-laws were right there at the mother’s head helping her out. And we kind of all kicked into action and little Bella came out happy and healthy.” An ambulance made its way up the street (because they know how to drive in winter conditions?) to take the family to Temple University Hospital. 7 lb. 9 oz. baby Bella and her mother are doing well and will return home in a couple of days. Such a nice story… I guess.
I’ll just leave you with that… Bacon & Beer Day is tomorrow!!! Have a great weekend everybody!!!

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