Saturday, March 31, 2012

$teve Played by Brad Pitt

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Again with the busyness in business… but I’m back & ready to say whattup? Let’s see… personal life… this weekend, I may be going to a “reclaimed art” (aka modern trash) show at a place called King Kong Bar downtown. Why? There will be people playing the ukulele while… and it’s at a bar, so even if it’s lame, there’s plenty to do down there. So yeah, that should be fun. Then on Sunday is the Day at the Races with the roommates & their friends. It should be a smashing good time. I think that I mentioned this before but Sundays are Dollar Days at Golden Gate Fields where they have the horse races, so you can place bets, beers, hot dogs, pretzels, etc. all for a buck a piece. $20 will make you feel like a king… and a C-note would make you feel like a super-king.

C-Real will be coming to town next week. Still not 100% on what we’re going to do… but one thing’s for sure… we’re gonna do it RAW!!! Haha… okay, so I’m sure we’ll have a good time. Haven’t really decided on just checking out the City… or stopping over in Wine Country… or down to Monterey for a day or two. Who knows? So many options out here & so little time to do it all in. Also, Bubbles & I got tickets to the Gotye concert (she had me listen to a few tracks & the Kiwi has skills) so that’ll be in a few weeks. Let’s see… charity work in three weeks (voluntary, not court ordered), family is doing good, been playing “Batman: Arkham City” and it’s pretty cool. That’s really about it…

I was watching “The Soup” with the roommates when I stumbled upon a gem called VH1 Couples Therapy. Wait, a reality TV show on VH1? How is this POSSIBLY a gem? Well, it’s celebrity couples having relationship / marriage therapy… which I will absolutely admit is both sad & completely uninteresting to me in every way. However… did I mention that one of the couples is DMX and his wifey? Because that sh*t is VERY important… and why I must absolutely watch this show… because Earl Simmons is not only my dawg… but he’s absolutely outside of his f**king mind… and now… outside of his f**king comfort zone. Allow me to share with you a few quotes from the show… and remember, DMX is using his voice… and it’s the same gravely real voice, all day… every day… with volumes varying from loud to “F’real, I’m right here!”

Interviewer: “Do you know why you’re here?”
DMX: “Because of my d**k!” (the answer was immediate & the tone was as if he said pass the

DMX: “I love p**sy! I LOVE P**SY!!! Love it.” I agree

I can’t do a word for word representation of this next one because I was so shocked & laughing so hard… but basically it broke down to this…
DMX: “The reason that I cheat on her all the time is… I love her… but you don’t want eggs for breakfast every day. I love breakfast… and I love eggs… but sometimes… I want some cereal. You can have eggs again & again & again until eventually you just say f**k it, I’m gonna have me some Lucky Charms.” That’s a metaphor in which he compared the love of his life… to boring ass eggs on his breakfast plate. The best part though… was the therapist’s next question.
Therapist: “If I could… wave a magic wand… and you couldn’t f**k other girls anymore… would you want to?” First off, when can a license therapist drop the F-bomb? When she’s talking to
DMX: “(awkward moment of reflection as he carefully considers how to respond) If you could… wave a magic wand, that’d be cool and all but… I don’t think that’d ever happen.” By this time, his wifey is in tears, trying to be strong… but sh*t is ridiculous… and I haven’t even told you about when they introduced the homosexual couple from “A-List” to the house. Five words: “I have a gay uncle.” So bad… yet so good. Also, before you judge Earl Simmons aka DMX, please realize that he has been through a LOT of sh*t in his life (REAL Behind the Music stuff) but yeah… he has issues like a subscription.

Last week, I watched the latest Martin Scorsese flick “Hugo” starring Sir Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Christopher Lee, Emily Mortimer, Jude Law and others… but the stars are basically two kids (the boy from “Nancy McPhee Returns” & the foul-mouthed pre-teen girl from “Kick Ass” oddly enough). Set in 1930’s Paris, an orphan boy lives in the walls of a train station… and with the help of a new friend, they set out on an adventure involving the boy’s father’s past work… and an automaton (old school robot). Now, I know that doesn’t sound particularly awesome by any means… but it’s great for the kid in everyone to set out on a magical journey of self-discovery & wonder… and it’s not your usual Martin Scorsese flick due to the lack of mobsters & vulgarity… but a masterfully done movie which I highly recommend that you check out.

A few days ago, I watched “Moneyball” starring Brad Pitt & Jonah Hill. This is based on the true story of former Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane (Pitt) who was frustrated with the way that professional baseball is set up… primarily where the big market teams (New York, Boston, LA, etc) had such a distinct advantage in signing free agent talent against the smaller market teams. For those who don’t know, baseball doesn’t have the salary cap like other sports do which levels the playing field a bit (unless you decide you’d rather live in Miami with your rich friends instead of Cleveland with your poor friends, for a random example). Anyway, he basically stumbled upon a theory of another team’s assistant scout (Hill) who doesn’t look at the usual perspective of scouts like who they swing, confidence, bravado, etc… but rather production on the field with respect to their salary or market value. Apparently this was never used before… which kind of baffles me… but whatever, it’s like Fantasy Baseball but in real life. The road wasn’t easy though… as every trade that looked good with this theory, looked a little ridiculous to the average spectator or conventional manager or owner… but spoiler alert, it changed the game. For the better? Well, you be the judge on that one… but I highly recommend the movie.

Side note: I want to reiterate that this movie was based on a true story… and the guy it was based on is still alive (seeing as it took place less than a decade ago). How f**king flattered would you be… to have Brad Pitt portray you in a big time Hollywood movie? Seriously? Now, I’m sure that Billy Beane gets his share of the ladies anyway based on his own Game… but when you can add to the repertoire that Brad Pitt is a close personal friend of yours… because he wanted to play you in an Academy Award nominated film based on your life… that’s not a bad arrow to have in your quiver. Which leads me to my next series of questions.
Question #1: Do you think that your life is worthy of a Hollywood film? If so, what kind would it

An interesting question if I say so myself… and believe I just did. Many of us think that our lives will change the path of mankind in every way… and some of us are realistic… but regardless of the breadth of our actions, we change lives & have our own stories in many different ways. The vast majority of us will have more of a… let’s say George Bailey effect, where it’s primarily living a good life & influencing our family, friends, neighbors, etc. but it’s not like we’re going to cure cancer or be the first human on Mars or be a secret agent who takes out a criminal mastermind making sweet love to varying females with questionable names along the way. However, we can all star in a romantic comedy… or a raunchy sexual thriller… or an escapade against The Man… and drama is EVERYWHERE. So anyway, do you think you’ll be the lead character in a movie soon? Personally… I’ve got a lot of work to do for an academy award nominated flick… but I can definitely star in a comedy, I think.

Question #2: Who would play you in this potential masterpiece?

In a few years all actors & actresses will be replaced by robots, automatons or CGI composites that we may or may not be able to lend our voice talents too… but in the meantime, is there an actor or actress that you think would be perfect to portray you? Obviously everybody’s first thought is “I think Brad Pitt could do me justice…” or “Angelina Joleezie for sheezie, beezie!” but let’s be real. Sure I’ve got the squinted dream blue eyes, chiseled good looks, soft lips & perfect tan of Mr. Pitt… but he’s also got about 20 years on me (which oddly enough would still probably work out pretty well since it’s Hollywood time), he’s got a busy schedule of real films to do & frankly, I’m about a foot taller & I’m not sure if he’s got the Tyler Durgan body still to pull me off. Haha! So who else is out there? Well, it’s been said on this blog before that I’ve been compared to a wide array of character actors from Dennis Quaid to Danielle Radcliffe to the man who shares my secret dive bar disc jockey alter ego’s name, the Great DJ QUALLS!!! However, I have no idea… and the internet devices that apparently pick random celebrities based on my facial features doesn’t help at all. I don’t know, what do you think? Let’s say you’re a casting director. Am I more Ryan Gosling or some douche from the WB (I don’t care if it’s the CW now, it’ll always be the WB with the racist singing frog to me)?

Question #3: Who would play your family, friends, various costars?

Well… it goes without saying who would play my mom (Michelle Pfeiffer), my dad (Steven Seagal with glasses & no ponytail), my brother (Jake Busey), my buddy C-Rock (Jonah Hill with a ponytail), Bubbles (Megan Fox), J-Mo (Idris Elba), and a few others… but I kinda have to stretch for a few others. For example, my roommates… I have no idea. I’d just have to hold thorough auditions with young budding starlets in an array of nurse & artist attire. My boss… He’d give me a raise if I said Will Smith but… Fresh Prince would have to tape his ears back or something. I’d say Denzel… but he’s a tall guy like me. Wow, I’m really making my boss to be a pretty attractive man, aren’t I? It’s so much easier to cast other people than yourself, isn’t it? I could be like “Yeah, you’re this guy & you’re this chick… but there’s not an actor alive that can portray me… except maybe Gary Oldman… because that man could convince me the Easter Bunny was real. Get Commissioner Gordon on the line!” but that would just be nonsense. Anyway, ask your friends who they would want to be played by… then ask them who would play you… and I’ll bet you dime to donuts that two things will happen. First, they’ll answer for you a LOT quicker then for themselves. Secondly, you’ll probably start a little fight along the lines of “Jennifer Love Hewitt? Are you f**king with me? Are you trying to say that I’m talentless?” “No no no… I’m saying you’ve got a nice rack!” “MY EYES ARE UP HERE A$$HOLE!!!” Good fun for everyone…

Anyway, that’s about it… so yeah… I’ll catch you next time around, I guess. Have a great weekend

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