Friday, May 1, 2015

Assault on Shadow Warrior's Island

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
This week, we watched a few movies… and a pretty odd mix to be honest. First up was a movie that I had never heard of somehow called… well, that’s probably why I had never heard of it. See… this mid-90’s TV movie stars wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, Mayyun movie icon Carl Weathers, former Playmate of the Year Shannon Tweed, and the Cobra Kai sensai (legend Martin Kove) as a bleached blonde wisecracking superscientist… and it’s called “Shadow Warriors”… or “Assault on Devil’s Island”… or “Assault on Death Mountain” depending on when & where you’ve heard about it… and IMDb is very fuzzy on the why. Basically it’s the story of a mercenary team whose leader (Hogan) who recognizes a biochemical warfare terrorist from his past… and they uncover a plot to attack… SEATTLE!!! Only one team can stop this from happening… and it’s Hulkster, Apollo Creed, Kreese & Tits McGee! The movie… is exactly what you expect… with lots of poorly choreographed fight scenes, cheap special effects, but… I’ll admit, the acting though over the top at some points… really isn’t THAT bad. It’s a MAYYYUN movie… in fact, it seems like Sylvester Stallone saw it a few years back and thought, “Yo, I could make a movie that brings back a bunch of old action stars as a team of mercenaries that… WHERE’S MY PHONE???” Anyway, this movie is kinda hard to find (I actually got it from a Goodwill for $4 with shipping) but if you can find it… check it out if you’re into the genre… and feel free to watch it with friends. Not going to lie though… I may have dozed off halfway through it… but I was still kinda hung over from Steve-toberfest…
Next up was an Italian movie that Izzy HAD TO WATCH for her Italian class… and it was PERSONALLY RECOMMENDED BY THE TEACHER. What movie was it? Well, it was described as the greatest Italian horror movie ever made… and it’s 1985’s “Demons” from legendary writer/director Dario Argento (think the George A. Romero of Italy). The movie is about a group of people who go to see a horror movie in a West Berlin movie theatre called Metropol. Those in the crowd are the usual people you would expect in this kind of movie… the sweet virtuous young lady, her whore friend, the two guys trying to bang them, other teenagers, an older crotchety couple that shooshes those around them, the creepy staring redheaded usher, a pimp and his bitches, a blind man, his horrible assistant, the random bald Italian guy that she starts getting a consensual fingerblasting from in the back row… you know, the usuals. The movie starts… and then a few minutes in things start getting out of control… as zombie-style DEMONS start killing people & possess them… while the remaining humans struggle to find a way out of the theatre that has become their TOMB!!! Now… the premise is pretty good, right? Let me tell you… the whole movie is actually pretty decent for a horror flick. Yes, the acting is horrible… the dubbing is okay but still dubbing… but basically, if you’re a fan of the horror movies of the 80’s, you MUST see this movie. The effects are pretty good & gruesome in the classic Italian slasher style… the whole world is in the “what the f**k is going on?” realm so you really have NO IDEA what’s going to happen next because… you know, it doesn’t have to make sense… it’s a horror flick… with zombie-like demons… and punks doing cocaine out of Coca-cola cans… and you have to love a movie where the pimp is the most rationally minded individual in the whole thing… so yeah, definitely check it out… with your friends… like RIGHT NOW!!!

Wednesday night, Izzy & I went to Presidio Theatre for the first time (tiny hipster venue with three screens, but not bad) to watch a special screening of an indie comedy called “Adult Beginners” starring Nick Kroll, Rose Byrne, Bobby Cannavale and a slew of cameos including Joel McHale, Jane Krakowski, Bobby Moynihan, Mike Birbiglia & Jason Mantzoukas. The story is about a narcissistic entrepreneur (Kroll) who has a big tech venture fall through at the last minute, so now he leaves NYC to go crash with his sister’s (Byrne) family in upstate NY for a while to get his sh*t together. While there, he slowly reconnects with his family who he hasn’t really talked to in years… until drama happens. That’s all that I’ll really say about that. Basically, like a lot of indie comedies that don’t get wide releases, the movie fluctuates from hilarious spots to borderline emotional overload (did I mention drama?) but it’s expertly done where you barely notice… about midway through the 2nd act, you’re pretty much pulled into the family drama… but of course, you’re still laughing when appropriate (and sometimes not). I’d highly recommend checking it out if you can find it in your neighborhood… or just put it on your Netflix queue when it’s released. May not be worth the $15 per person (then again, what really is?) but definitely check it out.
Thursday night was the NFL Draft’s first round… and I was actually kinda surprised how accurate I was:
1.        Tampa Bay – Jameis Winston – QB from Florida State – I was correct, everybody was correct… no real thrill here.
2.       Tennessee – Marcus Mariota – QB from Oregon – I had a bunch of scenarios where Mariota was basically going to be the pick… but not Tennesee… and I’m sarcastically shocked that is was all bullsh*t and the Titans drafted a quarterback after they realized they don’t have one. Shocked, I tell you!
3.       Jacksonville – Dante Fowler – LB from Florida – Again, totally called it… but I can see this going like Dion Jordan two years ago… by which I mean it could be a REALLY bad pick down the road.
4.       Oakland – Amari Cooper – WR from Alabama – Ah-hem… four for four… and I was pretty proud of this one… as I predicted the Raiders being the Raiders…
5.       Washington – Brandon Scherff – Guard from Iowa – The guy that I figured the Racists to pick here didn’t even get picked in the 1st round because of apparently marijuana & character issues (Randy Gregory) that happened since my guesses… but they figured that they’d try to protect their quarterback. Great idea.
6.       NY Jets – Leonard Williams – DE from USC – May end up being the steal of the draft… even though the one thing that the Jets already had… was two Pro Bowlers at the exact same position that Williams plays… but hey, whatever… the Jets aren’t worth even guessing. Sorry Vick (if you’re still there in a month…)
7.       Chicago – Kevin White – WR from West Virginia – Yet again, HE SHOOTS HE SCORES!!!
8.       Atlanta – Vic Beasley – LB from Clemson – HOLY SH*T!!! I MUST BE A WIZARD!!! Only one surprise thus far… this NEVER happens with my NFL picks… like EVER!!!
9.       NY Giants – Ereck Flowers – Tackle from Miami – They picked their favorite tackle from the draft as predicted… though the guy I thought they would had a last minute QUESTIONING INTO THE HOMICIDE OF HIS PREGNANT EX-GIRLFRIEND & WHETHER HE’S THE FATHER in the days leading up to the draft so… yeah, this other guy slid in. By the way, I do want to mention that La’el Collins (the other guy) is NOT a suspect… they just want to talk to him. Does anybody else remember Rae Carruth?
10.   St Louis – Todd Gurley – RB from Georgia – Okay, didn’t see them reaching for a RB this high…
11.   Minnesota – Trae Waynes – DB from Michigan State – No one cares... but probably a good pick to help out their defense… and he’s kinda local.
12.   Cleveland – Danny Shelton – DT from Washington – I had them picking Shane Ray but… again, marijuana & other issues came up last minute... so they went with the guy that I completely forgot about… but good pick. Anyway, this is where it gets a little weird… but I’ll sum up…
15.   San Diego – Melvin Gordon – RB from Georgia – They traded up to get the 2nd best RB on the board after St. Louis surprised everybody with Gurley’s pick.
18.   Kansas City – Marcus Peters – CB from Washington – Apparently the Chiefs just don’t want receivers… unless they’re planning on converting Marcus?
19.   Cleveland – Cameron Erving - Center from Florida State – They already have two good centers! Why draft a 3rd? Maybe move him to guard… but you need EVERYTHING EXCEPT A CENTER!!!
20.   Philadelphia – Nelson Agholor – WR from USC – Jaelon Strong from ASU was on the board… but… apparently Chip Kelly has a thing for USC & Oregon… and I give up on trying to make sense if his plan… I’ll wait until the season starts…
32.   New England – Malcom Brown – DT from Texas – Sigh… this is why the Patriots always seem to win… they replaced future Hall of Famer Vince Wilfork with… 21 year old Vince Wilfork. Sigh… FOOTBALL!!!
We’ve got a superbusy weekend coming up… but more on that later… have a great weekend everybody!!!

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