Friday, May 24, 2013

Breaking News Badly

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
I had a few moments the other day, so I went through some news snippits that I think you might enjoy…
Insulation Man: American Hero – Some people are just kind of lucky. While remodeling his newly purchased home in Elbow Lake, Minnesota, David Gonzalez noticed something unusual amid the old newspapers that had been used as wall insulation. It was a copy of Action Comics #1, the very first comic to feature the granddaddy of all superheroes, Superman. spoke with Gonzalez about his amazing find as well as a subsequent family accident that knocked down the value of his windfall. "I knew it was worth money," Gonzales told the Star Tribune. "But I had no idea how much." So far, the answer is, well, a lot. With roughly three weeks left on the auction block, the high bid is around $113,000. Not bad, considering Gonzalez bought the ENTIRE HOUSE for $10,100. But, still, the comic could be worth a lot more were it not for an argument among family members. From “When his wife’s aunt grabbed the comic book amid all the excitement of the discovery, he grabbed it back and tore the back cover. Experts downgraded the comic book’s condition to a 1.5 on a 10-point scale. To put that in comic-book context, a 9.0-grade Action 1 fetched more than $2 million recently.” “That was a $75,000 tear,” said Stephen Fishler, co-owner of ComicConnect, a New York City online auction house that is selling Gonzalez’s treasure. He says the comic book would have graded out at 3.0 without the rip. The moral: Your wife’s aunt can only do wrong when asked to help you reinsulated your house in the first place… but now she owes you at least $75,000 when she kicks the bucket, just to break even. Oh… and don’t be grabby grabby children. The Star Tribune also spoke with Vincent Zurzolo, co-owner of ComicConnect. "It’s so hard for anyone to fathom that, in this day and age, you could still discover a comic book that nobody has known about because this book was in a wall of a house for more than 70 years," Zurzolo said. "It’s pretty miraculous that it even survived and it’s only had one owner." Got a small fortune burning a hole in your pocket? The auction ends June 11th. See? Sometimes you just have to keep your eyes open.
Cellular Supercharger - A local California teen’s invention could potentially knock down cellphone-charging time to a superfast 20 seconds. So far, the energy-storage device has powered only an LED light, but it has the potential to do much more. The future certainly looks bright for 18-year-old Eesha Khare, who pocketed a $50,000 prize for the Young Scientist award from the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair in Phoenix, for her tiny and possibly revolutionary device. Khare sees the device as potentially powering car batteries, cellphones or any electronics that could use a rechargeable battery. When asked what inspired her invention, Ms. Khare said, “My cellphone always dies.” Simple enough. There’s definitely a market out there for it. The supercapacitor, she explains on CBS San Francisco, is “basically an energy source device that can hold a lot of energy in a small amount of volume.” Just think of the large computers that we had even 20 years ago… and how limited their memory was (remember floppy disks?). Now, you can basically hold the Library of Congress in a flash drive. That’s the kind of potential in this discovery. If she plays her patents right, this chick could be RICH!!! The Harvard-bound teen has caught the attention of Google, who has approached her about her device (in order to steal it away from her). Regardless of what happens to the supercapacitor, we're sure to hear more from the high school senior—at least according to Khare. “I’m going to be setting the world on fire,” she said. Oh my… I guess… wait… holy sh*t… is she a SUPERVILLAIN? Already? Usually it takes some sort of catastrophic mishap in the laboratory or some sort of interstellar genocide before you become enraged against humanity & want nothing more than to set entire planets on fire with your inventions. Super brilliant, young, maniacal, holy crap… and her name is… KHAAAAAAAARRRRRE!!! KHAAAAAAAARRRE!!! If she starts quoting Klingon proverbs, I say take her out as soon as possible. In all honesty though, great job Eesha! You may have saved humanity… for now.

Bug: The Other White Meat – Speaking of trying to save humanity, researchers say that Thailand is showing the world how to respond to the global food crisis: by raising bugs for eating. The United Nations' Food and Agricultural Organization released a study and handbook Tuesday on what they call 'six-legged livestock' — edible bugs and worms that can help meet global food demand that is expected to grow by 60% by 2050 (combination of more people & fatter asses I believe). The agency says they provide a rich source of protein, vitamins and minerals. The study was conducted in Thailand, where insects including crickets, grasshoppers and bamboo worms have long been a part of diets, especially in rural areas. Entomologist Yupa Hanboonsong says about 200 insect species are eaten in Thailand. Cricket farming alone is already a $30 million industry there, but only a few other species have been commercially marketed.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “I could never eat bugs. Yiiikkkk…” First off, we’ll see if a few days without another food source will convince you otherwise. You may start seeing a pile of maggots like a handful of chickpeas. Secondly though, it’s actually a pretty brilliant idea… which is why it won’t catch on here in the states until it’s almost too late. Think about it… these insects that they’re talking about are full of protein & nutrients like the report says, grow & reproduce at a nearly astronomical rate, can be cultivated basically ANYWHERE, as far as content goes it’s healthier per pound that anything else your eating short of vegetables, and hell with as much spice as we mix in with anything anymore you probably wouldn’t even know it’s beef or bug or tofu. Now, I’ve eaten insects and various other creatures while I was in China for a month… and they’re really not that bad. Crunchy texture & a little awkward at first… but hell, Rachel Ray does a book collaboration with Myke Hawke (“Man, Woman, Wild” and I’m waiting for the spin-off after he & his wife have children “Man, Woman, Wild, Child”) and you’ve got a new fad that could be the next bacon craze. Wait… what the hell am I saying? Bacon is bacon. Bugs aren’t going to compete with that… well, at least as long as we still have pigs. Sweet delicious pigs… Anyway, had I startup capital, I’d want to get in on the ground floor of this industry of Grub Grub. It’s going to catch on, just you wait. Mmm… now I’m thinking about bacon…
Bacon Update - With Washington state about to embark on a first-of-its-kind legal market for recreational marijuana, the budding ranks of new cannabis growers face a quandary over what to do with the excess stems, roots and leaves from their plants. Susannah Gross, who owns a five-acre farm north of Seattle, is part of a group experimenting with a solution that seems to make the most of marijuana's appetite-enhancing properties - turning weed waste into pig food. That’s right, I’m talking about marinating bacon in THC to create some kind of stoner super-food. Watch out Funyuns! Four pigs whose feed was supplemented with potent plant leavings during the last four months of their lives ended up 20 to 30 pounds heavier than the half-dozen other pigs from the same litter when they were all sent to slaughter in March. Reasons? They sat around, played video games all day & had a permanent case of the munchies. Oh wait… here’s the expert opinion. "They were eating more, as you can imagine," Gross said. Giving farm animals the munchies is the latest outcome of a ballot measure passed by Washington voters in November making their state one of the first to legalize the recreational use of pot. The other was Colorado. Both were among about 20 states with medical marijuana laws already on their books. The federal government still classifies cannabis as an illegal narcotic, and the Obama administration has not yet said what actions, if any, it will take in answer to the newly passed recreational weed statutes. Matt McAlman, the medical marijuana grower who provided the pot leavings for Gross' pigs, says he hopes the idea expands with the likely impending expansion of Washington state's marijuana industry. "We can have pot chickens, pot pigs, grass-fed beef," he said. Draft regulations issued last week to govern the burgeoning recreational-use industry seem to leave open that possibility. The rules dictate that marijuana plant waste must be "rendered unusable prior to leaving a licensed producer or processor's facility," adding that mixing it with food waste would be acceptable. Gross' pigs were butchered by William von Schneidau, who has a shop at the famous Pike Place Market in downtown Seattle. In March, von Schneidau held a "Pot Pig Gig" at the market, serving up the marijuana-fed pork as part of a five-course meal. He quickly sold out the remaining weed-fed meat at his shop but plans another pot-pig feast later this summer, he said. "Some say the meat seems to taste more savory," he said. The results beg the question of whether pot-fed pork contains any measurable traces of THC, the mind-altering chemical ingredient in cannabis. The European Food Safety Authority reported in 2011 that "no studies concerning tolerance or effects of graded levels of THC in food-producing animals have been found in literature." The agency also noted that "no data are available concerning the likely transfer of THC ... to animal tissues and eggs following repeated administration." So there you go… maybe the best thing about the whole process is that it gets rid of the waste to somebody who will buy it… and it really doesn’t affect bacon other than makes it more desirable to a market that simply wants it for the implied effects of the diet. Kind of like buying a rum cake to get a buzz. Obviously I like the idea. It doesn’t hurt anybody… and starts a fledging new market to stoners with disposable income… or people that might just be curious about an allegedly healthier food alternative (similar to open range chicken, etc). I don’t see this growing as much as Grub Grub… but you know damn well I’m going to try it out when I see it at the Farmer’s Market as soon as it’s approved here in California. You know, most of the agricultural centers for marijuana are just across the bay in Oakland. Some of you may be saying that this is just another sign of the Apocalypse where humans are trying to fuse God’s creations together in some sort of unholy & unnatural union to make things better… and that always has horrible consequences in the movies (in real life it usually makes things like turducken & garlic butter & phablets). However, this is the one that should really unsettle you…
Apocalypse Update - An 18-foot, 8-inch Burmese python set a record for the longest snake ever captured in South Florida, where the exotic species has taken up residence. College student Jason Leon snared the female python in a rural area southeast of Miami earlier this month, when he saw part of it sticking out from brush along the roadside, said Carli Segelson, a spokeswoman for the state's Fish and Wildlife Commission. The python broke the previous record set in 2012 by a 17-foot, 7-inch snake caught by researchers studying the impact of the growing population of pythons on the Everglades National Park. My guess is that their findings have been silenced by the government to avoid public panic. With the help of his friends, Leon wrestled and killed the snake with a knife (MAN!!!), Segelson said. He then reported the find through Florida's "IveGot1" program, which connects callers to wildlife researchers. Seriously? That’s the name of the program? “I’VE GOT ONE!!!” “That’s great… is it over 12 feet? Otherwise we’d just say throw it in the trash can. The Burmese python is an invasive species in Florida. Native to the region from India to lower China, the species has been documented to grow as long as 26 feet and weigh 200 pounds. Florida sponsored a python hunting competition in January to see whether annual hunts might put a dent in the local population, and to provide specimens for further research. Personally, I think they need to up their hunting season based on the research coming out of the region. Theories on how the snakes got into the Everglades include dumping by pet owners and the destruction of a nearby exotic pet dealership during the 1992 Hurricane Andrew, and some even say they were planted here by the Chinese spies under the hypnotic control of the mysterious snakelord KA… but that’s probably just me. The important question is… what do we do now? Keep randomly finding these six-meter behemoths on the sides of our street attacking our infrastructure? Or do we take the fight to them? I think we need to get out there & make snake meat & snake skin the newest “hot thing” before they destroy the Everglades… then Florida… then the South… then AMERICA!!! Oh… and eventually the world. I’ve been documenting these finding for years now… we need to take action. Write your senator! Write your President! Write your mother (cuz she misses you)! Get all the machetes you can swing! Sh*t’s about to get real! VIVA LA ARMEGEDDON!!! Danny Trejo, are you with me?
"F**kin' ay Holmes!" 
Sofia Vergara?
 (inaudible over titty machine guns)
Alexa Vega?
"Wait... how old am I?" 
Amber Heard?
"I'm a lover not a fighter..."
Michelle Rodriguez & Jessica Alba?
"Yup yup!"
President Sheen?
 "Let's nook the f**kers!!!"
Ugh… Lady Gaga?
 "Sure... I'll make a cameo..."
That’s right, we need everybody in on this… and I’m really excited about “Machete Kills” coming out September 13th… can you tell? Anyway, that concludes this broadcast… have a great day everybody!!!

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