Thursday, September 27, 2012

1000th Post FINALLY!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So... it's here... the 1000th entry. Yes, I know that the past hundred have taken like two years to do... but yeah, my bad. So how am I going to blow this b**ch out of the water? I have no idea. I REALLY wanted to post my original masterpiece of Panda Porn that I've been teasing you with for years... but as you know, I haven't been able to find it... and hence have not been invited on Tosh.0 for a Web Redemption & film tasteful pornography for the entire kingdom of animals... but alas I can not find the original. However, I do have the original footage still... and can probably find a system to piece it together. It was regretably easy to write, direct, edit and... kinda star in... but yeah, that won't be today. So how will I disappoint you more today? Well, I could do some movie reviews... to start... here we go...

First up, Dizzy & I watched "The Hunger Games" last weekend... and it stars Jennifer Lawrence & Donald Sutherland... but it's based on books that I never intend on reading... and after watching the movie, it only further confirms that. I'm getting ahead of myself though. Basically, in the future (from what I can gather having not read the books & the movie refusing to explain the plot on its own despite being 2.5 hours long) there are 12 districts, where District 1 is the shining utopia of the 1% and it goes down to District 12 which are the... I think farmers of dirt & makers of young child laborers. Anyway, every year, they randomly pick a boy & a girl from each district to be placed in a horrible environment full of weapons & deadly creatures reminsicent of Survivor meets the Truman Show... and they battle to the death until there can only be one winner, to whom they bestow riches. Basically it's what Survivor should be... except they just randomly capture children to go Thunderdome on each other. Why? Rating, b**ches! So in District 12, they pick a girl... but her sister (Lawrence) volunteers so she doesn't have to go to die. Along the way, the sister is trained by Woody Harrelson (yeah, he's in the movie) to be a killing machine, even against the higher districts fully trained warrior children... and frankly, I'm going to stop right here.

This movie pretty much sucked. I get the whole saving your family from dying by volunteering, then giving it your best shot, so the story is not the main problem despite the many questions as to why this is a real thing. I'm sure plenty from every district would just volunteer (much like high schools in every district in America have kids volunteer for football & MMA everyday) so that's not it. The movie was just longer than it needed to be... dragged on & on... I swear the death/burial scene for one character towards the end took 20 f**king minutes for no reason, she only had 2 minutes of screen time before that... the ending just kinda happens... there's just... no point to the movie. Watch at your own risk. If you've seen it, you know what i mean.

Next up was a little better, which is surprising for a horror flick... but it's "Cabin in the Woods" starring Chris Hemsworth & Richard Jenkins. Basically, your typically five friends go to a cousin's cabin in the woods for a weekend getaway by the lake... and that's basically all I'm going to leave you with other than... it's written by Joss Whedon & director Drew Goddard apparently (I checked afterwards)_, which explains how it's actually pretty awesome. I highly recommend this flick. Go check it out now!!!

Aside from that, this weekend Dizzy & I are going to Truckee... oddly enough, to hang out at her aunt's cabin in the woods... and I think there's actually going to be five of us... I wonder if I'm the big dumb jock in this Scooby Doo esque setup. Anyway, if there's a hatcher murderer or werewolves involved, I'll be sure to send you pictures. Happy 1000th entry everybody!!! I'll keep you posted on the Panda Porn... Coming Soon... all over your face...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Read the book. Really. No I mean, go right now and buy it and READ it. The book and the movie are entirely different as the book takes a different route than the movie. Movie makes no sense..

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