One-Eyed Willy's Booby Traps

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So yeah, looked into the Lake Tahoe thing a bit...and bounced the idea off a few people...and I like how it's looking. Basically, I expect a poor man's Vegas in the mountains with a lake thrown in. Am I setting the expectations too high? I mean...it's not the entertainment capital of the world...but they do have an annual Shakespearean Festival. Also, it's like a 7-8 hour drive across a barren wasteland to get back home to Slick City for the holidays...just like Denver was. Southwest also flies there...though most flights have to go through Vegas (tear...) before anywhere else. I've even found some apartments near where I'll be working that are somewhat affordable...but then again, you can't trust everything you read on the internet. Definitely going to have to take a road trip out there to check it out. Anybody wanna go with me? So yeah, here are the movies I saw over the weekend.

First up was the "Speed Racer" movie from the Wachowski Brothers, who brought you the Matrix trilogy & V for Vendetta. This is the movie adaptation of the 60's anime classic Speed Racer about...well, racing. Speed Racer (Emile Hirsch) is the new kid on the circuit and winning some races with the help of his parents (John Goodman & Susan Sarandon), his girlfriend Trixie (Christina Ricci) and his little brother & a monkey. Now, big corporate racing wants to sponsor him...but he doesn't trust them...as well he shouldn't. Now he's teaming up with the mysterious Racer X (Matthew Fox) to bring them down and make racing a legitimate sport again. Basically, I wouldn't recommend this movie if you susceptible to seizures as it's a LOT of flashing lights and motion really quick...for a little over two hours. Other than that, it's pretty good and I'd say check it out if you're a fan of racing movies...or the old cartoon series. Some of the visuals were pretty cool...but there's really no limit when you're using a green screen.

Next was a French movie called "District B13" brought to you by Luc Besson (the guy behind La Femme Nikita, Leon the Professional and of course...the Fifth Element). This is just a bad ass action movie with a lot of that parkour stuff. You know, the guys running through the city doing backflips off parking structures and sliding through fences and jumping over cars and what-not. Think Tony Jaa & Jackie Chan type stuff...only you know, old school Jackie Chan...not the Karate Kid remake Jackie Chan. Oh yeah, the story...ugh well, this movie was made in 2004...so the story is that it's 2010 in Paris and some of the worst neighborhoods have been fenced off from the rest into this districts. The worst of which is District B13. Well, a nuclear warhead has been stolen...and it's in B13...so they send in a supercop, teamed up with a thug from that area who was wrongly imprisoned and is trying to save his little sister (hottie French girl of course...and the ONLY girl in the entire movie). Yeah, it's a pretty sweet movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it because I'm a HUGE fan of martial arts movies...and this definitely had that kind of feel...but with a French accent. I'd highly recommend it if you're into such movies as well.

Last for the weekend was "Sling Blade" which was the movie that catapulted Billy Bob Thornton to fame...as well it should because he wrote, directed, starred and probably catered it. Basically it's the story of a man name Karl (Thornton) who was put into a sanitarium when he was a young boy because he killed his mom & some douche (watch the movie for details) and after like thirty years, they let him go. Obviously he's never really lived in the outside world...and really doesn't have any kind of education or social graces...but he does have a knack for fixing small engines, so the warden sets him up with a job and a place to live. Well, Karl meets a young boy and they become friends...and he introduced him to his mom, her boss (John Ritter) and her abusive boyfriend (Dwight Yoakum). They get closer and closer...and the boy & his mom invite to live in their garage...but the boyfriend is basically a prick to anyone & everyone...and the story goes from there. I'd say check it out if you're into dramas. It kind of felt like watching Forrest Gump but with a creepier Tom Hanks...and there was always this thought in my head of "This guy f**ked Angelina...a lot. God damn it, I need to become an actor." It's a great flick...but I'll warn ya...it's a little slow at parts and is about two and a half hours. Still, I highly recommend it. It won a bunch of Academy Awards. There's even a little cameo by Robert Duvall.

Monday at work, I was paid to watch the Richard Donner classic from my childhood entitled "The Goonies" with a bunch of future stars like Corey Feldman, Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, and Joey Pants. Now, let's forget for a moment that I was paid handsomely to watch it...because that's irrelevant (just really cool) but I hadn't seen the movie in many years...and I had completely forgotten how many times they said "sh*t" back when you could say *t repeatedly in a PG movie. Now, even when watching Speed Racer, I thought it was odd that it was rated PG yet there was explosions, threats of violence...and yes, Speed said "sh*t" but it was in context, I guess. Growing up, Back to the Future & the Goonies were obviously PG...but they have some pretty filthy mouths. It seems we're getting more & more conservative with our kids movies...and I don't like it. For God's sake, the Goonies were going after the treasure of a guy named One-Eyed Willy. You tell me there was not a HUGE laugh in the writer's meeting when they read that aloud. "Well, it was either that or Captain Jack Meoff...so we went with One-Eyed Willy." Oh...and I'm also assuming that every single person in the history of the world has seen this movie at least a dozen times...because if you haven't, you should...or you're probably from France or lived in a cave or something. Of course it gets my highest recommendation as a classic...even though there's an incredible number of loopholes in the plot...but hey, it's a kids flick...and this is the news...

Barbie Q Update - Okay, so remember a few weeks ago when I told you about the barbecue pit with the scantily clad mannequin in Ohio whose livelihood was threatened because some prudish people thought of it as distracting to passing motorists? No, well here's the link. Now, BarBe Q, the shapely mannequin outside KT's Barbecue restaurant in Reading, Ohio, can continue wearing her revealing halter top and short shorts. On May 13th, the city's Design Review Board agreed to let BarBe Q remain on display outside as long as she dressed more modestly...but restaurant owner Kenny Tessel appealed, and Monday night Reading's Board of Zoning Appeals agreed with him 3-2. He had told the design review board that the advertising gimmick had increased his business by 40%. "I am very happy," Tessel told The Cincinnati Enquirer. "Now, we can get back to business." Can't wait to...never visit Reading, Ohio...but hey, good for you, Mr Tessel. Keep up the great work of fighting the Man.

German Sex Academy - Please, no poop jokes. Wannabe Latin lovers can improve their technique by playing with the erogenous zones of naked mannequins (and not be assaulted by mall security guards again) at a new interactive exhibition that has now opened in Berlin. The "Amora sex academy" that opened in Berlin on Thursday welcomes visitors with the wry slogan, "Finally -- an exhibition for those who always have to touch everything." More than 50 interactive displays guide visitors through the intimate areas of the male and female bodies, offering helpful tips on everything from striptease to oral sex and how to achieve a perfect orgasm (hmm...). "A lot of couples come in here together to learn something," said Uta Barkow, the manager of the Beate Uhse sex chain which is hosting the academy. "It's been very well received so far. A lot of exhibits have that 'aha' effect on a lot of people." The show features several life-sized plastic models, naked and in various positions. One female mannequin light ups when touched in the right spot. A voice shrieks "That's it!" when the visitor manages to put his finger on the elusive G-spot. Next to it is what the museum called its "Spank-o-meter." It measures the level of pleasure a mannequin receives when spanked with a leather whip (yowza...this is even better than a dinosaur museum). "So far we've had just as many women in here as men. Women coming in tend to have fewer inhibitions while the men tend to be a bit more embarrassed." Just cautious...like it's a trap, I'm sure. The museum also shows film clips of various sexual positions, including the "Italian chandelier" that the viewer learns can burn up to 920 calories per hour (or about 15 calories for you minutemen out there). Founded by Frenchman Johan Rizki, the sex academy opened in London earlier this year and is also due to come to Barcelona (probably next to the Museu d'Erotica on Las Ramblas). I'll keep you posted for when this place hits Vegas, Slick City...or maybe Tahoe...but it may be a while. Apparently anything within 500 miles of Utah tends to be extremely prudish. Otherwise, I may have to visit Berlin to get my culture on...and you know, check out ALL the museums there. It's the proper thing to do, right? Besides, I should practice my German a lot more than I have for the past...decade or so. I wonder if I could even understand directions anymore.

Fortune Cookie of the Day - N/A - I know Tuesday is Panda Express Day...but alas, I showed up too late...and as the Fates would have it, they were OUT of fortune cookies. However, I was chatting with Lilie last night...and it brought about a story from my time in China a few years back...that I thought I would share with you...and it has a great fortune cookie message. Quite possibly the greatest of all time. Ready, here it goes. Well, about four years ago, I was in China...and we met this great guy who spoke fantastic English in the People's Square in Shanghai, so we invited him back to the University (study abroad program) to hang out for a while. Well, we got around to playing some cards (Go Fish, I believe) and the game was taking a long time...and we later found that it was because everybody was trying to save the same cards...but alas, this gentleman was hilarious the whole time and like I said, just a great dude. Well, he asked the person to his side, "Do you have any hearts?" "Go fish." Then he replied with a sigh...and "Man cannot win with no heart" and I kid you not, I laughed for about ten minutes straight on that one. Maybe it's just me...or maybe you just had to be there...but yeah, it was awesome.

Well, I believe that I've bored you enough for one day. Join us tomorrow when...who knows? Three days until Vegas baby!!! Can't wait. Have a great day everybody!!!

You Must Be Used to Me Spending

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

How was your weekend? Mine was okay. Saturday, I slept in a little then went to a lunch date in Reno. It went pretty well. We had a nice conversation, the food at BJ’s Brewhouse was great (really liked the jambalaya), and we had been texting for a while so it was a good fun time. I did notice a lack of eye contact & eyes wandering about, which is kind of a big sign to me. After lunch, we went to see “Get Him to the Greek” starring Jonah Hill, Russell Brand & Diddy. The movie was hilarious. As you may know, it’s about a young record label gopher (Hill) whose boss (Diddy) puts him in charge of getting rock star Aldous Snow (Brand) on board for a concert celebrating the 10th anniversary of a legendary performance record. Well, it’s been a rough decade since then…and when you’re dealing with rock stars anyway, hijinx ensue. If you’re down with a little low-brow humor and drug use, then I would highly recommend this flick. One little thing though. In all the previews, my favorite part was a smiling Aldous Snow riding around naked on a little car saying “I’m a motorist!” However, it was not in the film. I was mildly disappointed about that…but hey, that’s what the DVD’s for, right? Anyway, great flick…and I want to cover my apartment in furry walls…because I love how that sh*t feels. As for the date, there wasn’t any real sparks or anything…but hey, I’m down for a second date, which by my calculations can probably be scheduled some time before Labor Day.

After the date, I basically kinda wandered around Truckee for a bit…because I didn’t really have anything else to do. No big Saturday night plans for me. I went out to Donner Lake for sunset…and then to the Tourist Club for a few drinks…but yeah, ended up going home before long and watching movies, which I’ll get to in a moment. I realize I haven’t reviewed a whole lot of movies recently…and that’s really because I haven’t seen a whole lot…but I’ll catch you up on the last few weeks. First though, Sunday was softball practice…which basically means I worked on my tan, caught a few fly balls & smashed a few out of the infield. I’m not the best softball player ever. Oh well, we have a bye this week. Also, I have a date tomorrow night too…so we’ll see how that goes. Other than that, nothing much going on other than the usual over-thinking about everything to do with my career, my family, my friends, etc. So here are some pictures from this weekend followed by some movie reviews…

A few weeks back, I watched “District B13: Ultimatum” which is the sequel to District B13, which I saw a few months ago. Basically it’s a vehicle from producer Luc Besson (“Fifth Element”, “Leon, the Professional”, “Taken”, “Transporter” etc) to show off some great parkour action. Again, for those who don’t know parkour is the stuff where guys are running up buildings, doing flips off rooftops, swinging on light posts, and basically just doing some incredibly physical things in urban settings. In this movie, after the storybook ending of the first, it’s a few years later…and nothing has really changed. It’s the near-future Paris, there are still separate districts / ghettos that are walled off from the others, political corruption, and then there’s a defense minister who just wants to blow up District 13 because it’s all gangs & drug dealers so they can rebuild it, employ workers and make it a new area (forgetting that it’ll kill like 100,000 people). Well, the two leads from the first movie aren’t having it…and so they have to kick some ass & make it right. Again, horrible summary, but pretty decent flick. If you like live-action movie without CGI, then this is the kind of movie for you.

Next up was over the weekend, I stumbled upon “Rob Zombie Presents: The Haunted World of El Superbeasto” which is basically the twisted mind of Rob Zombie telling an animated story about a former Mexican wrestler named El Superbeasto (Tom Papa) who in his search for companionship at strip clubs, finds himself in a struggle against the supernatural forces of evil (like zombie Nazis) and Dr. Satan (Paul Giamatti). Luckily he has the superhot friend Susan X (Sheri Moon Zombie) & her robot sidekick to help him find his newly acquainted exotic dancer friend Velvet Von Dark (a foul-mouthed Rosario Dawson) who bears the mark on her backside that will help Dr. Satan become super-powerful. Does that make any sense? It doesn’t really have to…but I would highly recommend that you guys check it out. For example, if you’re a fan of Ren & Stimpy, this is right up your alley…and with slightly more sexually based humor & adult language. Very funny…and as always with Rob’s movies, the music is fantastic. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Kudos to Mr. Zombie yet again.

Now it’s time for a few downers. Not that they were bad movies…just they were of a more serious dramatic tone. First up was “Syriana” starring George Clooney & Matt Damon among others. Basically, it was a story about a financial advisor (Damon) to the future ruler of an oil-rich nation and an aging secret agent type (Clooney) and how their paths cross. All in all, it’s just a very dramatic look at the Middle Eastern situation where oil is basically the most precious resource in human history at this point…and how the U.S. is doing everything in their power to get plenty of it. I didn’t particularly like this movie…but I’m not much of a drama guy anyway. I still thought it had some incredible performances and I was genuinely intrigued to see how it was going to end…but would I watch it again? Probably not.

The next one I watched though was “Body of Lies” starring Leonardo DiCaprio & Russell Crowe and directed by Ridley Scott (“Alien” “Gladiator” etc). This one was a little better to watch for me personally, though very similar in many ways. Basically, a U.S. agent (DiCaprio) is in Beirut and trying to find Al-Salim, the international leader of Al Qaeda. His handler back in the states (Crowe) is there to help guide him along the way…but being in the area for so long, he doesn’t necessarily trust his handler’s advice during the search. He teams up with the Lebanese defense minister (Mark Strong) and they try to bring down the Al Qaeda forces. Of course, things are complicated when he falls for a nurse in the area, his cover is blown (not just because he’s a white guy in Lebanon), there are lies, betrayal, double crosses, explosions, chases, torture, all that stuff. This was a little more my style than “Syriana” or “The Kingdom” among others. Probably because it’s more of a spy flick than a piece about how America is evil & misguided…as are everybody in this complicated situation. Just my opinion. Do with it what you will. Anyway, here’s some news…

The Other James Dean Dies - Jimmy Dean, a country music legend for his smash hit about a workingman hero, "Big Bad John," and an entrepreneur known for his sausage brand, died on Sunday. He was 81. His wife, Donna Meade Dean, said her husband died at their Henrico County, Virginia home. She told The Associated Press that he had some health problems but was still functioning well, so his death came as a shock. She said he was eating in front of the television. She left the room for a time and came back and he was unresponsive. She said he was pronounced dead at 7:54 p.m. "He was amazing," she said. "He had a lot of talents." Born in 1928, Dean was raised in poverty in Plainview, Texas, and dropped out of high school after the ninth grade. He went on to a successful entertainment career in the 1950s and '60s that included the nationally televised "The Jimmy Dean Show." In 1969, Dean went into the sausage business, starting the Jimmy Dean Meat Co. in his hometown. He sold the company to Sara Lee Corp. in 1984. Dean lived in semiretirement with his wife, who is a songwriter and recording artist, on their 200-acre estate just outside Richmond, where he enjoyed investing, boating and watching the sun set over the James River. In 2009 a fire gutted their home, but his Grammy for "Big Bad John," a puppet made by Muppets creator Jim Henson, a clock that had belonged to Prince Charles and Princess Diana and other valuables were saved. Lost were a collection of celebrity-autographed books, posters of Dean with Elvis Presley and other prized possessions. Donna Meade Dean said the couple had just moved back into their reconstructed home. With his drawled wisecracks and quick wit, Dean charmed many fans. But in both entertainment and business circles, he was also known for his tough hide. He once fired bandmate Roy Clark, who went onto "Hee Haw" fame, for showing up late for gigs. Having watched other stars fritter away their fortunes, Dean said he learned to be careful with his money. "I've seen so many people in this business that made a fortune. They get old and broke and can't make any money. ... I tell you something, ... no one's going to play a benefit for Jimmy Dean." Dean said then that he was at peace at his estate and that he had picked a spot near the river where he wanted to be buried. "It's the sweetest piece of property in the world, we think," he told the Richmond Times-Dispatch. "It sure is peaceful here." Well, rest in peace, Mr. Dean. We should all be so lucky as to have a life full of Love, success, work ethic & music…and then laid to rest in the sweetest piece of property in the world. My condolences to your family…and your sausage is f**king delicious. I’m sorry for thinking you were the other James Dean up until high school “Why the hell does James Dean have his own sausage? Well, I guess Marilyn Monroe had her own wine…and that doesn’t make sense either.” Rest in peace.

Conjugal Visits – Okay, so the title really has nothing to do with the story…but it’s catchy. An attorney claims she couldn't visit her client at a South Florida detention center because of the undergarment she was wearing. The attorney said an underwire bra, used to comfort and support her voluptuous breasts, set off a metal detector at the Miami Federal Detention Center earlier this month. Guards at the facility then wouldn't let the woman inside. According to The Miami Herald, the attorney then removed the bra in a bathroom and again tried to enter the detention center. This time though, guards refused to let her inside because she wasn't wearing a bra (and it apparently showed?). The woman later e-mailed other attorneys about the incident. Officials at the detention center declined to comment to the newspaper, as did the attorney who was involved. Then who the hell told anybody? One of the other attorneys? Anyway, just another case of the Man trying to mess with people. That being said, if I worked at a detention center, I’d probably do the same thing. “I’m sorry ma’am. Your bra is making the detector go off. You’re going to have to lose it or I can’t let you in here.” A few minutes later, “Interesting, now it’s going off down here. Are you wearing a belt? Some exotic piercing? No? Hmm, I’m sorry ma’am. I can’t let you inside without…a thorough search. Hey, I don’t make the rules. Maybe it’s a nickel you swallowed as a kid that got stuck but until I find out what you’re hiding in there… Ma’am, I understand. I’m going to try to make this as easy as possible. Why don’t you come into my office for a moment? Do you like Smokey Robinson?” Hey, I don’t make the rules. It’s for everybody’s safety. Everybody thinks that little underwire is just a harmless little support device. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until in a fit of passion somebody loses an eye…and that’s accidental. Inmates can turn a bar of soap into a deadly weapon…and you want them to have access to a piece of tempered steel meant to hold mountains in place? Not on my watch. Take it off!!! Oh, now those things are liable to cause a riot.

Two Face Catwoman – No, it’s not the announcement of the new criminal hybrid in the next Batman movie. Rather a kitten born with two faces in Charleston, West Virginia was given a 50% chance of survival by an area veterinarian. The kitten known as Two Face (of course, apparently Janus was taken) brought the animal to the vet shortly after it was born on Wednesday because its mother refused to nurse the kitten. Dr. Erica Drake said the kitten was born with a rare condition called diprosopus, which means the kitten literally has two faces. Two Face has four eyes, two noses and two mouths. Drake said the kitten's two mouths act independently and she believes each mouth has a separate esophagus leading to one stomach. Weird, right? It'll take a closer look at the kitten's internal anatomy before known about how the kitten will be able to function…but is that some freaky stuff or what? The owner may have two mouths to feed…but only one stomach to fill. That’s a pretty sweet gig. I want a two-faced kitty. Too bad the landlord doesn’t allow pets.

Transformers Update – So does anybody want to hear Michael Bay speak? Well, USA Today recently visited the set of the third "Transformers" and garnered several new tidbits on the film from the man himself. I wondered if he’d mention the fact that he cast & amended the script for a female lead in what will probably be a quarter-billion dollar production in less than 48 hours…but it wasn’t in this bit. However, there were some other interesting things about the third movie…and a few excuses for the “Revenge of the Fallen”:

• Despite Michael Bay not being a fan of 3D, the film will be released in 3D though it's unsure as yet if it will be shot that way or converted in post-production. My guess, post production because it’s all CGI anyway.


• Bay partly blames the rush to churn out the first sequel so soon after the writer's strike to blame for 'Revenge of the Fallen' being so shit. Yeah, blame it on the writer’s strike if you must. I’m just glad to hear it straight from you. Wait, was there a writer’s strike during Pearl Harbor?


• Shockwave has been confirmed as the villain in the next movie, a character described as "the robot Cyclops-turned-laser-cannon, who became dictator of their home world of Cybertron after the other Autobots and Decepticons journeyed to Earth." Okay so…is Shia LaBeouf going to travel to Cybertron now? I mean…he did the magical teleportation thing a few times in the 2nd movie. Forget it.


• Another story element was the Cold War space race between the U.S.S.R. and the USA with a hidden Transformers role in it that remains one of the planet's most dangerous secrets. Really? It wasn’t a race to the moon? It was a race to Cybertron? Is there a way you can work Rocky & Drago into it?


• Bay says this third one "really builds to a final crescendo. It's not three multiple endings" and they've removed much of the "dorky comedy". This includes the racist robot twins who are "basically gone" from this, but John Turturro will still provide some comic relief. Thank God!!! That sh*t was irritating.


• Also don't expect any resurrections as this is a 'trilogy capper' - "As a trilogy, it really ends. It could be rebooted again, but I think it has a really killer ending." Sigh… you know it’s going to be rebooted and sequeled and prequeled until it’s no longer profitable to make them. Ever wonder why they decided to split the last books of Harry Potter & Twilight into two separate movies each? Because you’ll watch both of them…and double their money. So yeah, at least Michael Bay admitted that “Revenge of the Fallen” was sh*t though he tried blaming it on somebody else. Still waiting on the public apology for Pearl Harbor though. Good luck, Mr. Bay.
  

More Sequels? Really? – Speaking of sequels that don’t need to be made, here are three others in the works that I stumbled upon. The Departed – Oh yeah, you thought everybody died at the end like Hamlet…but hey, even that got a sequel (sort of). Beantown reports that a sequel to Martin Scorsese's 2007 Oscar-winning crime thriller is already in development and could get a 2012 release. Scribe William Monahan has previously indicated he already has ideas for the sequel, while actor Mark Wahlberg has apparently suggested that Scorsese regular Robert De Niro has been asked to portray a corrupt State House politician. That’s all they’ve got on it so far…but don’t be surprised if you see it soon. Mean Girls - A casting call via /Film indicates that Paramount has not only greenlit a sequel to the 2004 comedy, but shooting is already planned for next month around Atlanta. (Oh…and Lindsay Lohan won’t be in this one, and neither will Rachel McAdams, and probably no nudity, so really what’s the point?) The release reports that Emmy-winning director Melanie Mayron will helm the project which revolves around a new high school student, Jo, who agrees to befriend an outcast, Abby, at the urging of Abby's wealthy father in exchange for paying all of Jo's costs for the college of her dreams. (Really?) Jo and Abby team up to take on the school's "mean girls," the Plastics. The story becomes a high stakes battle of loyalty that ultimately comes to a head when one of our heroines finds out that her friendship has been bought and paid for. It essentially sounds like a direct-to-video follow-up, a fact helped by the film being produced by Paramount Famous Productions who created the recent direct-to-DVD title "Van Wilder: Freshman Year". Taken - Liam Neeson says a sequel to his surprise hit revenge thriller "Taken" could be in the works. The actor tells MTV News that he and writer/producer Luc Besson have discussed ideas for a possible follow-up, but "it is hard to get a plot that's going to be believable". Wow, somebody actually cares about plot in a sequel? So, later this month, he and Besson are "going to sit down and see if we can hash it out". Why are they considering any of these? Once again, money. For example, with Taken, the low-budget film was released in mid-2008 internationally and in January last year in the US. Not only did it get decent reviews, it ended up taking $226 million globally. Boom!!! Let’s make another one.

Damn, a lot of talk about movies in today’s entry. Well, hopefully it was somewhat entertaining or helpful. That’s really about it for me today. Wish me luck on the date tomorrow. You know me, I’m optimistic…but I’ve dated single moms before more than thrice and…sometimes they’re just not ready. We shall see. She seems pretty cool…but they all seem nice before you get to know them. Am I right, guys? Oh yeah, it’s primarily girls that read this thing (which is interesting given all the sexual innuendo and pictures of hot chicks plastered all over this thing…but hey, if you girls like it). Anyway, have a great day everybody!!!

In A World...

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

So a week or so ago, I watched a movie & completely forgot to tell you about it… because I feel like I already did. The movie is called “Brick Mansions” and is probably most famous for being the final film of actor Paul Walker (“Fast & Furious” franchise, “Into The Blue” & a bunch of other stuff you forgot he was in like “Timeline”, “Eight Below”, “The Skulls”, “Joy Ride” & even the timeless classic “She’s All That”). The reason that I felt like I already reviewed this movie… was because I did. The movie is an almost exact remake of the “French” action movie from the mind of director Luc Besson “District B13”. Basically that movie that was a reason for parkour with explosions? You remember, right? There was even the sequel “B13: Ultimatum” that I think I was the only one in America that watched. The story is set in the not-too-distant future Detroit where due to… I guess Detroit being Detroit, they separate a really rough part of the city off behind giant containment walls… but somehow, a crime lord (THE RZA!!!) gets a hold of a few nuclear weapons… and it’s up to an undercover cop (Walker) & some random decent dude who happens to be a be a badass parkour enthusiast (David Belle from the original movies) to save the city… and of course the eye candy girlfriend Lola (Catalina Denis). Look… if you’re looking for plot… look elsewhere, but there’s plenty of jumping from roof-to-roof, using the existing environment to make getaways, implausibly bad shooters, explosions, all that jazz that you look for in an action movie when you just want to shut it off. The acting… eh… the important thing is that they’re pretty… and not completely horrible (well, some of them). All the staple characters are there… nothing really that interesting or distinctive… but kudos to the fight / stunt coordinator for putting it all together. You can also watch the two original movies… but then again, they don’t have Paul Walker. RIP homey…

 

Sunday night, Izzy & I watched a comedy on Netflix called “In A World…” written by, directed & starring Lake Bell (“Children’s Hospital”). It’s about a voice coach (Bell) who is the daughter of one of the most prolific movie trailer narrators in cinema history (Fred Melamed) but when he’s thinking about retiring the Golden Pipes… she wants to step into the limelight… but there’s some stiff competition from her father& his arrogant protégé (Ken Marino). Basically it’s a bit of a “coming of age” movie for a young lady who hadn’t done much… but now wants to be a pioneer for women in an industry that has never really had them. Is it “Norma Rae” with baritones? Not at all… but it’s pretty damn funny and there’s a great cast of comedians like Nick Offerman, Rob Corddry, Demetri Martin, Tig Notaro, even cameos from “real actors” like Jason O’Mara, Geena Davis, Cameron Diaz & Jeff Garlin. I’d say check it out… but you’ll see why it didn’t get a big release in theatres. It has that in-betweener tone of “Is it a rockus comedy? A statement against sexism in any industry? A stirring family emotional relationship pic?” but overall it’s a good 90 minutes with some great jokes… and you’ll be trying out your own movie announcer voice. Guaranteed.

  

Wednesday night, Izzy & I watched a flick that… oddly enough, was the last movie that my dad saw in movie theatres a few months back & he raved about… and of course I’m talking about “John Wick” starring Keanu Reeves and a pretty decent cast including Willem Dafoe, Ian McShane, Michael Nyqvist, Alfie Allen, Adrianne Palicki, Lance Reddick and a few cameos from John Leguizamo & Bridget Moynahan… and the director is primarily a stunt coordinator for movies like “The Matrix”, “300” and such making his debut (Chad Stahelski). The plot is about an ex-hitman John (Keanu) who has recently lost his wife (to Disney disease?) and is grieving… when he receives an odd package a few days later… apparently his wife sent a puppy-gram with a note saying that he would need somebody to love… and so she left him a beagle. Side note: If this is a real thing… then you should all of my enemies must fear getting animals if I pass in an untimely manner. It sounds horrible to me. Arrangements are being made. Anyway, after… maybe a day of having this puppy, he’s out filling up his ’69 Mustang at the gas station… when that prick from “Game of Thrones” (Alfie Allen) as a Russian stooge comes up and ask him how much for the car. It’s not for sale. Well, later that night, he breaks into John’s house… jumps him with the help of a few other goons… and basically steals the car & kills his puppy. There’s only one problem though… he’s John f**king Wick!!! The Ultimate Hitman (which apparently this son of a Russian arms dealer/druglord doesn’t know for some reason) and so then… (quick, deep breaths) RAMPAAAAAAGE!!! For the record, this is a total guy movie… and I f**king loved it simply on the premise when my dad told me about it. That being said… here’s the breakdown:

 

What I Liked:

·         The Premise – It’s awesome in its simplicity. This guy got out of the Hitman game, had a normal happy life… and then somebody took it from him (may be some transpositioning involved with the wife’s death & the puppy being so close, but the puppy was his wife’s last wish/gift for him), now it turns into a simple revenge film. He has nothing to live for… but to kill those you wronged him. I’m also totally down with the antihero with really no backstory other than “He’s John Wick!!! You don’t know? He’s like… the perfect killing machine. You’re all dead!” Just this legendary, seemingly impossibly proficient hitman… and you’re like “There’s no way anybody’s THAT good in real life… but then again… this is an action movie. Let’s watch!” I think I mentioned my infatuation with vague characters in the Buddy Revell issue last time… but yeah, Man wants Vengeance. Done.

 

·         Perfect Role for Keanu – Look, it has been said over & over again… if you need an emotionless character that’s decent looking & athletic, the role has to go to Keanu. Whether it’s the Matrix, Day the Earth Stood Still, whatever else… his best roles are when he’s basically a cold, calculating, systematic, robotic shell of a human being… and that’s basically this role. Yes, there are a few scenes where he kind of breaks down a little & gets furious… but for the most part, with this being a rampage/vengeance movie, 95% of his screen time is just him speaking monotonically & every movement is precise & exact.

 

·         The Continental – While he prepares for his vengeance, John Wick checks into a hotel called The Continental… which basically is like a Sanctuary for Hitmen. All of the biggest badasses stay there in an environment where the Code says that they can’t be attacked by others & their wishes and needs are met by an eager & understanding hotel staff. Need help cleaning up a dead body? “We’ll send housekeeping.” Grotto filled with hot chicks? “Any preferred ethnicity?” Somebody broke the rules? “We’ll take care of it sir.” Medical attention for a few bullet holes in your abdomen? “I’ll send the doctor to your room. Might I also recommend something for the pain? Whiskey perhaps?” Basically, I just LOVE the idea of this hotel… and frankly I almost thought this movie was based on a graphic novel or something a la Sin City since there’s SO much potential for other stories involving the other characters & hitmen in this one location. Sh*t, I’m curious how the guy at the front desk (Reddick) got to that position. I’m sure it wasn’t your typical interview process. He’s seen some sh*t before that gig.

 

·         The Action – Your attention is kept throughout the movie… between all of the fight scenes, even the stuff in between is to the point and keep you watching the screen. There’s no real lulls, which is always good. The fight scenes though… basically they’re greatly choreographed & it’s basically like watching a kung fu movie… but with guns instead of punches most of the time. By the way, the movie is rated R… so leave the kiddies away from this one.

 

What I Didn’t Like:

·         The Music – Now, one thing my dad loved about this movie was the music… and I didn’t particularly care for it. Some of it is really fitting and nice… but there was one song in particular that pops up a few times… great baseline & instrumental in general… but then there’s this super loud, repetitive droning called singing by Marilyn Manson (and I’m actually a bit of a fan) for lyrics like “We got guns (repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat) you better run (repeat, repeat, repeat) We’re killing strangers (repeat, repeat) so we don’t kill the ones that we love” and repeat that sequences a few more times. The lyrics have some meaning and all… and I get that… but it’s just very abrasive to the ears. Whatever, I’m sure the soundtrack sold millions and I’m just an old man…

 

·         Lack of Establishing Character Traits – “$teve, this is bullsh*t. You JUST SAID that you’re okay with characters without a real backstory or that are shown in the film!” Yes, I did. I’m going to sum up the first few minutes of this movie… well, the flashback portion, since the whole movie is basically a flashback, but that’s its own thing… you see John and he has sudden quick flashbacks (yes, within the flashback) of him & his wife… and you can tell that she’s dead because it’s dark & grim but the flashbacks are super bright & sunny for the most part. Anyway, it’s very quick… and basically you’re sitting there thinking like “…wait… was she shot in the head by a sniper? No? She just fell? Okay… oh… she’s dead… okay… wait… that’s it? We didn’t even get to see them share a real moment? Conversation? How do I know that John Wick is even a decent guy that I should be rooting for later on? He may be the world’s most cold-hearted killer & his basement may be full of teenage girls in chains. I don’t know… all I do know from the previews is that he’ll kill anybody for money. Period. Oh… and he’s facial hair Keanu.” Then there’s the puppy sent by courier… “Okay… weird film wish from… what I assume was a mentally unstable dead wife?” and then after… I think like 18 hours with this puppy… maybe a full day… regardless I don’t even think the puppy had its own bowl yet… how are we supposed to know that he developed any kind of real bond with the puppy? Because he let it sleep in the bed with him for about an hour before it was killed? Okay… it’s the wife’s present to him… I get that… but still, should I be rooting for this guy? Or is it just him grieving by deciding “Well… guess I’m going to take down the entire Russian Mafia by myself now. Best case I win… worst-case, I’m killed & don’t have to grieve anymore, reunited with my wife & all that jazz.” That angle of the movie really caught me weird… and I’m just NOW realizing the weird parable between that angle & my dad’s love for it shortly before his own death. I don’t know… it’s weird… and a little quirky… but maybe I’m just overthinking that part & should just keep it to “They stole his car… they killed his puppy… John Wick is Vengeance! Up’ns will come!!!” So yeah, not a huge thing… but just a little thing…

 

Overall: If you like action movies, go see it! It’s better than you probably think!

 

Thursday, I had the day off… you know, because reasons… so Izzy & I decided to FINALLY start up brewing another quick gallon batch of Cider using some fresh-squeezed apple juice that we got during our adventure to the Redlands when we visited her mom… and then of course added the other ingredients (about a third of a cup of brown sugar and a cinnamon stick) heated up to kill any possible contaminants… and then added the yeast once they were in two separate jugs. The reason for splitting them is because if we put the full gallon in ONE gallon jug… then there’s no room for yeast bubbling action to occur… and that’d be unfortunate. Besides… we now have FIVE single gallon jugs for our experiments with this recent Redlands jug purchase… so more experiments are surely on the way. Here are some pictures…

 

Speaking of pictures, some of Izzy’s Art is up for sale on her Etsy site (Untidy Venus)… they’re individually drawn originals, about two inches by three inches I think… and only five bucks a pop… and as you can see, they’re super f**king cute!!!

 

Starting tonight… SF BEEEEER WEEEEEEEEEK!!! That special week every year when the whole Bay Area gets Drunky McDrunkerton all over the place on special release craft beers & the like at nearly every single bar, every single day of the week (and another weekend). Izzy & I have a pretty full schedule too… but it’s on a fairly frugal dime… but more on that later. In the meantime, have a great weekend everybody & I’ll update you when I can!!! Please drink responsibly…

Who Do You Love?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Sunday night after the drive back from NCHF, Izzy & I took showers and basically watched movies the rest of the day, starting with “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” starring Chris Evans, Robert Redford, Scarlett Johannsen, Samuel L. Jackson and others. The story picks up shortly after the event of “The Avengers” and… okay, if you haven’t seen Phase One of the Marvel Studios movies over the past decade then go check them out. It might help a little bit… but then again, this movie does an okay job of being “self-contained” as well. Basically, Captain America (Evans) comes back to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. and realizes that some of the missions that he’s sent on has ulterior motives. While he’s taking out bad guys, somebody else on his team is stealing intel from their headquarters… you know, spy stuff. Being the true-north moral compass badass (ala Benton Fraser, google it!), Cap’n doesn’t like it… so he talks to his boss Nick Fury (Jackson) and then his boss’ boss (Redford) and basically gets told that he follows orders, he’s government property, it’s all for the sake of national security, blah blah blah. Basically bringing up the controversial topics of doing bad for the greater good, sacrificing personal rights for a sense of security, blindly following orders without asking questions & who can be trusted with power… in a superhero movie. Along the way, Nick Fury is ambushed by a sh*t ton of mercenaries posing as cops in broad daylight D.C. and after a car chase escapes but trust nobody… except the Cap’n… and then a mysterious assailant shoots Nick Fury at Cap’s apartment… and the Cap’n has to find out who did it. There’s also a flash drive with all of the answers on it that Nick entrusts to him… now everybody is after the Cap’n & his trusted team member Black Widow (Johannsen), who oddly enough is an expert in espionage & double crossing… as everybody is after them… including the mysterious Winter Soldier who is Captain America’s equal in almost every way… except he likes guns, rockets & all that stuff too. Okay, I’m going to say it… go check this movie out. It’s a very decent superhero flick & actually a pretty good spy flick in many ways. That being said… here are some pros & cons… spoiler alerts begin… NOW!

 

What I Didn’t Particularly Like

·         The BIG Plothole – Okay, so… there’s a scene in the 3^rd act where the Black Widow uses some kind of facial hologram technology to disguise herself as a member of the World Security Council (or something like that) to get close to Robert Redford’s character (the big baddy) during the final battle. My immediate question was “YOU HAD THAT THE WHOLE TIME??? Why not use that earlier to… I don’t know… pose as HIM and call off the attack or something? At least buy you some time?” I then googled that evening and… apparently I was not the only person who found that issue with it… but hey, good eyes out there nerds! Besides, it probably would’ve been a short movie otherwise.

·         The Even BIGGER Plothole – We’ve established that the Avengers exist in this universe… so… yeah, make a few f**king calls and within an hour you can have Iron Man, Hulk, Thor and a slew of other badasses helping you out with this mission… instead of your super-righteous unarmed self (save for a garbage can lid of unobtainium), a 92-pound tight container of sex appeal, a one-eyed man whose recovering from several dozen rounds in his chest & your buddy of three days who’s just learning to use an experimental set of metallic wings… going against three flying aircraft carriers, a super-powered ninja badass & the entire United State military. All I’m saying is… Hulk SMASH!!! I know… I know… it makes for a more intriguing movie if the Avengers show up together every time… but still.

·         Letting Out The Secret of the Winter Soldier’s Identity VERY Early – Okay so… they didn’t necessarily give it away until a big reveal near the end of the 2^nd act… and the title of the movie was The Winter Soldier so you could’ve just checked the source material comics for the backstory, etc… but what got me was in the first few minutes of the movie when Cap’n America is in disguise and walking through a special exhibit of himself at the Smithsonian (humble brag?). During the exhibit, there’s mention of his buddy Bucky who died during the recap of the first movie… sorry, narration of events in the exhibit. Gee… I wonder if this completely random individual among millions who died during WWII might come back into play later in the movie…

·         The Captain’s Frosted Tips & Lipstick – It got REALLY distracting at times… especially in scenes where his lips are redder than Scarlett Johannsen’s… and now that I’ve mentioned it… it’ll drive you mad too when you watch it, because I hope you do… and here’s why…

 

What I REALLY Liked

·         It’s a Decent Spy Flick – For as much as everybody knows going into the movie being based on certain popular things, there’s a lot of treachery, twists, surprises, intrigue, character trait arcs, moral ambiguity, conceptual topics, and just overall intrigue in this movie… complete with…

·         LOTS of Great Action Scenes – Yes, you have to suspend your disbelief in physics repeatedly in almost every single one of them… but the car chase scene with Sam Jackson being attacked by… apparently the LAPD in DC with AK’s that can’t hit anything, is exciting… the hand-to-hand combat is pretty well done (though a little zoomed in at times, but I’m sure it’s INTENSE in IMAX)… plenty of explosions, leaps across buildings, all the action you expect in a movie like this.

·         Return of the Black Superhero – Since “Blade” kind of kicked off the real emergence of decent Marvel movies in the 90’s with total badassery, there really hadn’t been another legitimate black superhero. War Machine in the Iron Man movies & Darwin in “X-Men: First Class” were basically poor cameos… they’re STILL talking about making Luke Cage and/or Black Panther movies… DC Comics have been no better… “Steel” was played by Shaquille O’Neal for God’s sake! There’ve also been some fantastic (in my opinion) black heros in the action-blaxploitation comedy genre like “Pootie Tang”, “Undercover Brother” and “Black Dynamite” but… overall, the bruthas just haven’t been well represented. Now, The Falcon could’ve played a bigger part in this movie but… heck, I’m just happy to see him represented at all. Hopefully more to come

·         The Subtle Things I Love About Marvel Movies – If you can’t tell, I really like the Marvel movies (and most of the DC ones… and a handful of others out there like “V for Vendetta” & “Watchmen”) but I REALLY like the Marvel ones especially because there’s just kinda subtle things about them that make them interesting. The backstories are all different, the different movies battle different topic (though still in a fantastic world that they’ve built in coordination with one another), and probably one of my favorite things… is the varying fighting style of the main characters. For example, Captain America’s fighting style since he doesn’t use guns… and prefers hand-to-hand… is more of a parkour kind of attack like you would see in a movie like “District B13” or a martial arts movie, though he has more of a THUD at the end with his shield slap. Black Widow attacks like a f**king luchador because of her miniscule size and putting all 92-pounds of leather-clad badass into every attack. Hawkeye is an assassin striking from a distance most of the time. Iron Man uses an array of weaponry & always seems to be multitasking like no other when he’s fighting… but isn’t afraid to just, rocket off from time to time to fight another day. Thor is very operatic & passionate in his movements, but powerful when he strikes. HULK SMASH!!! It’s just one of those things like when you watch a good martial arts movie & the different characters are… actually different. I’ll admit… I’ve watched many a movie where I had trouble keeping up with the story because… well, all the Asian actors looked alike. Obviously not all of them but… if Jackie Chan cut his hair into a bowl & wasn’t running up the side of a building you probably couldn’t tell either, so don’t front. The different styles adds to the character as well as varying up the fight sequences… and I enjoy it.

 

Overall: Go check this movie out if you haven’t already (like half of America did this summer). I really enjoyed it.

 

Next up was a little movie called “Afflicted” starring two real life best buds who decided to make this movie, Clif Browse & Derek Lee. Basically it’s two friends fulfilling a lifelong dream of taking a year off from work & traveling around the globe… and of course videotaping EVERYTHING to blog about it (plot device for found footage format). Derek found out shortly before the trip that he has a blood clot or something in his brain that could kill him at any moment… but he’s still doing it. Go out with a bang, right? Well, they start off in Barcelona, head off to Italy, and then after a crazy night hooking up with an Italian chick… Derek is found with blood all over the sheets and it looks like he’s been beaten… and maybe bitten or something. Over the next few days, strange things begin to happen… and Derek has… basically superhuman powers… but there’s also a few other side effects. Okay, so… spoiler alert… it’s basically a found-footage vampire movie… but if you saw the preview, you’d basically know that. Now for the good part, I would absolutely recommend seeing this movie, especially if you’re a bit of a film geek like me. The special effects with the wire work, camera tricks, all that kind of film sleight of hand, come out pretty f**king spectacular and it’s really well done. There’s even a few EPIC action scenes towards the end that’re well worth the watch. Well done, gentlemen.

 

 

 

Last up was Ron Howard’s big time directorial debut 1980’s “Night Shift” starring Henry Winkler, Shelley Long & Michael Keaton is his first major role too. The story is about a man who works at the city morgue (Winkler) who just wants peace & quiet… and for his wife to have an orgasm (subplot). After six years, he’s sent to the night shift by his boss & is paired with the loud & bragidocious Billy Blaze (Keaton) to handle things while the bosses are home sleeping. His neighbor also happens to be a prostitute (Long) who is recently without her pimp (killed by a black stereotype & Richard Belser). Well, because it’s hard out there for hoe on her own… and there’s a whole stable of b**ches out there looking for a place to do business safely… the two gentlemen off their morgue and/or transportation services to them, essentially becoming their pseudo-pimps… well, The Game takes offense to that… and repercussions come… but obviously along the way it’s  pretty entertaining early 80’s comedy… and it gave Opie the chance to make big time movies afterwards… and you get to see The Fonz & Batman as pimps. I’d say check it out if you like those kind of 80’s comedies like… Mannequin, Police Academy, Doctor Detroit, you know… semi-low budget but high on laughs. I recommend it.

 

Tuesday night, Izzy & I had the pleasure of going to the concert of George Thorogood & The Destroyers at the legendary Fillmore theatre in Japantown. For those of you who don’t know them off-hand… you probably know some of their badass bluesy rock hits as they’ve been touring for over 40 years now and were pretty HUGE in the 80’s with hits like “Bad to the Bone”, “Move It On Over”, “One Bourbon, One Scotch& One Beer” and “Who Do You Love?” among others. If you don’t have it already, get the Greatest Hits album… you won’t regret it. The venue of the Fillmore was also pretty amazing (as the pictures below will poorly show) and has been a fixture for rock concerts here in San Francisco for even longer than George & the boys have been touring. I also like the free apples that they provide as… it gets REALLY hot in that place when things get swingin’ and screaming. Anyway, the concert was amazing… and George is still as amazing & confident as ever, strutting about stage pretty damn well for a man in his sixties… and even the opener band “Trampled Under Foot” was a perfect compliment to the show as well. Here are some pictures…

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for this entry. So see all three of these movies & get the Greatest Hits album of George Thorogood & the Destroyers. That’s your assignment… and try not to notice Captain America’s lipstick. Have a great day everybody!!!