Thursday, July 9, 2015

Runaway Kingsmen

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Tuesday night, I watched a movie called “Kingsman: The Secret Service” starring Colin Firth, Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Caine & Mark Strong and directed by Matthew Vaughn (“Kick Ass”). The story revolves around a secret elite international intelligence organization (of English men?) with limitless funds who help preserve mankind & world peace (at least in the English speaking world). Well, there’s an internet billionaire (played by Jackson, whose a lispy Spike Lee/Goldfinger hybrid dressed like Mark Cuban) who plans to do evil things… like SUPER evil things… so it’s up to the Kingsmen to stop him… only there’s like a dozen of them… and one of them just died… and about 8 of them are never really seen… basically it’s like three 007-esque agents saving the world… and one of them is still a trainee. Now, I know my breakdown of the story is absolutely horrible & makes this movie sound the same… but I assure you that it’s actually pretty damn good… and I would put it in the top 5 movies of 2015 thus far. How so? Allow me to explain:
What I Liked About This Movie:
·         Parody of Spy Movies… but Not Really – Obviously from the story & preview this is a lot like a James Bond movie… but it’s also very self-aware of the spy movie genre and pokes fun at it… but make no mistake, it’s everything the Avengers (the bad one) wanted to be, but exciting & replaces pointless dialogue with gats & splats. Just imagine James Bond by the director of Kick Ass… but with the civilized likability of Colin Firth in a period piece… but he swears… and everybody else does… a LOT.
·         Samuel Jackson as the Supervillain – I mean… it makes sense… but I like that he’s not his usual super badass kind of villain like in other roles. As I said before, he’s basically a kinda nerdy internet billionaire who vomits at the sight of blood… but has no qualms with mass genocide. He acknowledges the complete absurdity of his role… but at the same time makes it almost quaint. “Now I'm going to tell you my whole plan, and then I'm going to come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you, and you'll find an equally convoluted way to escape.” “Sounds good to me.” “Well this ain't that kind of movie.” KERPLOW!!!
·         Exciting Action Scenes – The action in this movie is pretty top notch & exciting… yet I’ll admit REALLY violent. If you’ve seen “Kick Ass” then you’ll know what I’m talking about… but basically all of the fight/gunfight scenes are crisp, tight, fast-paced & hella violent… like The Matrix if it used guns and had a body count like RoboCop, Rambo or Man of Steel. It’s everything you want it to be if you know that it’s Rated R…
What I Didn’t Like About This Movie:
·         It’s Violent – Yeah, there wasn’t a whole lot that I didn’t like about this movie. Little things like the bad guys are bad & the good guys are good (or are they?) are all well & good… it’s based on a comic, I’m down. I’m not looking for a lot of character depth & development (though there is a bit). The movie is an adaptation of a graphic novel from the director of “Kick Ass” and it’s Rated R… so I was expecting some violence… but there’s one scene in particular that was borderline “Holy sh*t, this is awesome!” and “Holy sh*t, this is DARK!!!” It’s the church scene… you’ll know it when you see it. There’s an extremely high body count… and just with everything going on in the news… concerning churches… and firearms… yeah, it’s an awkward feel to an otherwise very impressive sequence. If you’re okay with violence though, there’s not a whole lot else to hate about this movie.
·         Swedish Princess Tilde – I was wondering what the buildup was with this character… she kept popping up… and the big payoff… is right before the “final boss battle” the young lead trainee agent stumbles into her holding cell (she’s kidnapped) and he says he’ll be right back to save her. Her response: “You save me, we do it in the butt hole?” Now… at that point, even my crass ass went, “REALLY? Alright… I get it… teenage fantasy or whatever.” That’s basically her whole character… after a few awkwardly delivered lines during the kidnapping… then the shots establishing her in the holding cell… that’s her third scene… and then her fourth scene is when (spoiler alert) he comes back to the cell with a bottle of bubbly & a throbbing erection (don’t worry, it’s off screen). Anyway, that’s about all I got.
So with that in mind, I highly recommend that you check this movie out if you’re looking for R Rated fun… and don’t worry, it’s actually entertaining between the action scenes too. I mean… Academy Award winners throughout… British wit… American subtlety (or lack thereof) and everything in between. Check it out!
Wednesday night, Izzy & I watched a movie that I didn’t even know existed… but it’s called “Runaway” from 1984 starring Tom Selleck, Kirstie Alley, Cynthia Rhodes and KISS frontman Gene Simmons without makeup (so how this generation knows him… but 30 years younger) AND… written/directed by Michael Crichton. Yes, THAT Michael Crichton who wrote “Jurassic Park” and other legendary sci-fi books. Well, this movie is set in the not-too-distant future (by 1984 standards, so like… 2015?) when robots do a lot of the jobs that migrant workers would typically do (nanny, construction, overnight security, assembly line, fieldwork, etc) but occasionally, they go a little haywire& being a “runaway”. That’s where the “runaway squad” comes in… a police force that specialized in robotics & led by peak-Magnum PI Tom Selleck as Det. Ramsey (said 52 times this movie) and his new partner Blonde Eye-Candy (that’s not her name but… it might as well should be). However, there are a few “runaway” situations that seem very odd… and they realize that there’s a link… a microchip that causes the machines to go haywire & kill people (first law of robotics DENIED!!!)… and somebody is adding these microchips… who you ask, the evil Dr. Luther (Simmons, though I pretty much heard Dr. Love every time his name was said). Throw in a brief appearance by sultry peak Kirstie Alley, the kid from Flight of the Navigator as the Son of Ramsey (mother died of Disney disease), a LOT of fireworks for special effects, a mini-missile gun (that Selleck poses with on the cover, but never uses in the movie?), and a lot of computer & future jargon that’s never really explained… and you’ve got this movie. Would I say that it’s horrible? Eh… that’s a little harsh. It has its bad moments no doubt… and it was kind of trying to be a Blade Runner ripoff or something… except the robots aren’t AI, they’re basically exactly what they’re supposed to be but with Dr. Luther hijacking them… the story is mildly ridiculous… but still, it’s not THAT bad. You can definitely watch it with some friends and enjoy the 80’s for about 95 minutes… and the rolling credits scene is pretty ridiculous… and I’ll just say that you keep waiting for the fade to black… but it’s not going to come until it’s almost uncomfortable to watch. It’s very “Stone Cold” in that way. Anyway, I’d say check it out… I had never heard of it… and I was pleasantly surprised… and Gene Simmons has a great creepy stare (that apparently keeps cops from blasting him in the giant exposed noggin in this movie). Enjoy!
Well, in an unexpected trip to Utah next week, I have to take care of some legal matters… don’t worry, it’s a bunch of bullsh*t concerning my father’s untimely death back in December that could have been VERY easily avoided if certain parties weren’t completely worthless pieces of sh*t… but hey, that’s life sometimes… or rather step-life sometimes. However, I’m sure that I’ll have a few stories to tell… and the weekend is mere hours away… and you know those are usually pretty epic!!! Until then, have a great weekend everybody!!!

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