Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Corn Star Pumpkin

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Busy as usual… but yeah, here we go. Been playing softball again… and we keep winning, though very little to do with my play on the field or anything… but I’m okay with it. I get a few hits here & there... but I’m there for moral support… and maybe some postgame drinks.
This last weekend, Dizzy & I went out to the Half Moon Bay Pumpkin Festival and there was plenty of pumpkin to be had, as well as artsy fartsy crafts and the like. Highlight: Pumpkin… Pie… FUDGE!!! Yup… goes great with a pumpkin muffin & a pumpkin harvest ale from Samuel Adams too. We also took the scenic route along the PCH and picked up some lemon herb salmon jerky & smoked albacore for a snack… and as expected, delicious. We may have to invest in a food dehydrator soon.

Next stop was the World’s Largest Corn Maze in Dixon, California near Sacramento. Google it! It’s the Guinness record holder. We got there just as the sun was setting… and f**k flashlights, we’re G’s… so it was a good ol’ roll in the corn kind of fun. It had been open for a few weeks & compiled with rampaging teenagers and windstorms the past week, some of the trails were a little trashed and there were new ones all around… but all in all, a great time for us redneck folk. I highly recommend it… just watch out for teenagers. Did that sound like an old man? Maybe?
Next stop was Hamburger Patty’s, a nice little bar, restaurant & karaokery in the heart of Sacramento. We met up with Dizzy’s friend, a Jersey Giants Fan who we shall call Lawyer… and went for a few drinks and a few songs. Great time was had by all… and I even got up to sing Santana & Rob Thomas’ classic “Smooth” which… apparently didn’t leave a dry seat in the house for all the lady folk out there. Yeah… one of the ladies in the front asked Dizzy who I belonged to and… frankly, Dizzy showed great restraint in not guttin’ a b**ch with a broken beer bottle or something. She’s not the sharing type. Good times… and I’ve still got it.
Best karaoke moment of the night (possibly ever): A cute lesbian couple up on stage and sing the timeless classic “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot… and they SING that b**ch!!! Afterwards, the one in flannel & jeans (there’s always one in flannel & jeans, right?) grabs the others hand and… I may be paraphrasing but “We’ve been together for a while now… and you’ve been the greatest thing to every happen to me… and I love you so much… (pulls a ring from her pocket) and it would make me the happiest person on Earth if you would be my wife (down on one knee). Will you marry me?” Of course the other girl can barely make noise at this point… and $teve is pretty much losing his sh*t inside (“OH MY GOD!!! SHE PROPOSED AFTER SINGING BABY GOT BACK!!! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY EVER!!!!”). Oh… so yeah, obviously she said yes, they hugged, kissed, and walked off the stage to applause & probably free drinks for the rest of the night. Good day, right? Pumpkin, fudge, jerky, corn maze, beer, karaoke & lesbians? There was a few Jack-in-the-Box meals squeezed in there too. That’s just how we do…
Earlier this week, I watched the remake of “The Three Stooges” directed by the Farrelly Brothers, who have brought you such classics as “Dumb & Dumber” and “Kingpin” while also bringing you some horrible things like “The Heartbreak Kid” and “Stuck On You” (by the way, now playing on TLC as “Abby & Brittany”). I also think they were involved with the god-awful abortion that was “Say It Isn’t So” a few years back… so needless to say, I was a little worried when I heard they were doing the “Three Stooges” which are basically the greatest thing to happen to comedy since the Marx Brothers. Wait… which came first again? I don’t know, I think they were all dead by the time I was born. Regardless, if you don’t know what or who the Three Stooges are… I don’t even know why you’re reading this blog. Probably just for the sexy robot pictures and it came up when you googled “Father of Panda Porn” but do yourself a favorite and Netflix that sh*t to-DAY!!! The originals that is… but hey, I’m getting ahead of myself. This one… was actually VERY well done in my opinion. Told in the traditional format of three episodes that are about 20-30 minutes a pop, it tells the story of how they were abandoned at the orphanage, raised by nuns, and are on a mission to save the orphanage from foreclosing. It’s rated PG, so even the kids can enjoy it with you (no spooge in the hair joke or comments about John Denver’s opinion of the Rockies in this one) and it’s the usual slapstick vaudeville idiocy set in fairly modern times… with a pretty spectacular cast. It’s funny, witty & even a little heartfelt… and if that doesn’t do it for ya, then Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover model Kara Upton stars in it briefly… and Sofia Vergara’s fine Columbian physique. Sold yet?
Next up was “Project X” and no… not the one with Matthew Broderick and a chimp. This one was the movie from earlier this year about the huge house party in Pasadena or whatever… you’ve seen the commercials, right? From the makers of “Old School” or some BS like that? Yeah… anyway, it’s basically the mix of “Superbad” and the camera work of “Paranormal Activity” & “Blair Witch Project” and all those kind of movies. Of course it has it’s funny moments… and there’s plenty of jailbait titties to be seen… but other than that, it’s just your usual teenager party movie told from a different point of view (that of a nerdy AV kid). Check it out if you’d like… but then you might get surprised when they accidentally send you a copy of a movie with Matthew Broderick & a monkey on the cover… that isn’t “Deck the Halls” (haha… Danny DeVito bash… but the alternative was “Addicted to Love” and I might enrage school moms from the 90’s if I bash Meg Ryan).
Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Halloween is coming up quick… got your outfit picked out? I think that I might have found mine for next year… but I just have to figure out how I can drink massive quantities while wearing it… and trying to avoid people who ask me about it…HERE IT IS!!!
Have a great day everybody!!!

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