Tuesday, July 19, 2016

NBA Free Agency is NUTS!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Wow! NBA Free Agency… is f**king nuts. I’m definitely going back to Utah and teaching my nephew Vinny to put all of his eggs into that basket and become a professional basketball player… or at the very least a left-handed pitcher in baseball. That way, he has a 1% chance of landing some ridiculous contract that’s going to make us all feel bad for wasting our lives on education & hard work. Chandler Parsons got $94 million??? You don’t even know who he is!!! Mike Conley is getting over $30 million a year in Memphis??? THAT’S KOBE MONEY!!! So much for being “the other guy at Ohio State” in Greg Oden’s shadow, I guess. Yes, I purposely did NOT say THE before Ohio State. Anyway, google it… it’s f**king ridiculous… and apparently only going to get worse next year. Kevin Durant has joined the Warriors… Pau Gasol is with the Spurs… Dwight Howard is in Atlanta… and Memphis spent a quarter billion dollars on two guys you’ve never heard of (Chandler Parsons & Mike Conley jr). Stay in school, kids!!! Until you get drafted…

Last week, I finally watched “The Revenant” starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Hugh Glass, a man who is mauled by a bear, and left for dead in the Old West… but not before a man who leaves him (Tom Hardy) kills his son… so the Power of Vengeance helps him to rise from what I can assume would be absolute death in the wilderness… and on a path to find his son’s killer. That’s basically the movie… and Downhall Gleeson’s in it. However, the movie was pretty f**king good. This movie is based on a true story (sort of… there was no son murder or anything, just being left for dead) but the movie is beautifully shot by director Alejandro Inarritu (“Birdman” & “Babel”) and there are some great performances and looooooong shots of pretty epic scenes… but also pretty gruesome… and some points where you really have to suspend your disbelief. That being said, I highly recommend checking it out as long as you’re okay with a little gore… and a LOT of low-angle tree shots and majestic shots of the Canadian wilderness. Check it out!

Izzy & I watched the latest Coen Brothers flick “Hail, Caesar!” which has an all star cast of Josh Brolin, George Clooney, Scarlett Johansson, Tilda Swinton, Channing Tatum, Ralph Fiennes, Frances McDormand, Jonah Hill, and out of f**king nowhere… CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT!!! By the way, he looked like Old Connor McLeod from “Highlander 2: The Quickening” in this movie with the makeup… but his part was brief. As for the movie… I feel like the Coen Brothers basically… just wanted to do a couple great homages to the Golden Age of movies like Fred Astaire dance numbers, those dance numbers with synchronized swimmers, somewhat cheesy soundstage army & gladiator movies, one actor/actress playing multiple characters obviously, and basically just wanted to do the scenes… but had to tie them all together somehow… and what you get is this movie. It’s about the head of studio trying to handle a ransom of its biggest star, without stopping production on the movie, and handling a starlet about to have a baby out of wedlock in the scandalous times for that… and he has a family for like three minutes… but yeah, don’t worry about all that. If you’re trying to make a coherent movie out of it… Were that it’were so simple… check it out if you like Coen Brothers stuff but… it’s barely above “Burn After Reading” for me personally. Not their best… and I saw the dance numbers in the previews leading up to the movie’s release and those are the best part.

I (not Izzy) also watched a newer movie called “Green Room” starring the late Anton Yelchin (so sad) & Sir Patrick Stewart. This movie is from the director of “Murder Party” Jeremy Saulnier and is the story of a punk band who takes a gig in the Virginia wilderness where it’s… essentially a skinhead neo-Nazi party, but that’s no big deal. That’s the clientele. Well, after their set, one of them goes back into the green room to grab a cell phone… and they see a body lying on the ground… and so they call 9-1-1 but then they’re essentially barricaded in the green room… and it’s revealed that the cops are not wanted in the area, because of not only the stabbing… but they also produce massive amounts of heroin directly under the green room/crime scene. Well, the owner of the establishment (Stewart) shows up to “clean up the mess” by… well, taking care of the witnesses. What follows after that… is pretty f**king awesome (and gruesome) and just a twisted little tale of backwoods butchery. I highly recommend checking it out… but I warn you that there’s a bit of blood… and guns… and machetes… and hungry dogs… and angry white people with swastika tattoos… and confederate flags… and adult language & situations… and all that stuff. I enjoyed the movie though.

Also, let us know if you’re interested in being a special guest host for upcoming movies. We’re currently laying out our slate for the month of August when we’ll be too busy getting hitched to do it the same week… so we’re looking to get some backlog so that you’re constantly entertained… and we want YOU to be a part of the magic! Come join us at Super Secret Podcast Studios and we’ll introduce you to the Castor & Mr. Pickles too!!!

The next episode of Everything I Learned From Movies will be… the 1997 sci-fi thriller “Event Horizon” which is currently streaming on Netflix, so check it out & then listen to us at eilfm.podbean.com. This movie is… Bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!! Not only am I SUPER interested in what the movie could have been if it were released the way that the director wanted it to be… but THIS MOVIE ACTUALLY SAVED CINEMA FOR YEARS TO COME!!! SPECIFICALLY SUPERHERO MOVIES!!! How did it do this? You’ll have to listen to find out… but the story is pretty f**king awesome. In the meantime, have a great day everybody!!!

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