Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Well… it’s that time of year… when everybody out there is spending major bucks for fancy dinners, jewelry, chocolates & all that mess… people are proposing and flooding Facebook with pictures of their engagements rings and rants about how they’re the luckiest (blank) in the world… all that sentimental bullsh*t… and trust me, there’ll be more about all that hogwash later in the weekend (once I found out who in my family & friends will be doing that) but until then… Izzy & I have had a bit of a tradition this time of year. Our first Valentine’s together four years ago, we watched “Cannibal: The Musical” and “Orgasmo”. Three years ago, I had just got back from Mardi Gras & the Super Bowl in New Orleans. Two years ago, we watched “Ladies Man” & “The Thin Man”, two completely different movies. Last year, we went to a homebrew club event at Anchor Brewing, then I bought her a 12 pack of Taco Bell tacos for dinner. Yup, we’re hella romantic. So in going back to the theme of our first VD… here are some new movies about people eating people that we just watched…
The other night I (alone) watched a movie called “The Green Inferno” starring… well, nobody… but directed by Eli Roth (“Hostel” & “Knock Knock” from a few weeks ago). This movie is about a group of hippy ass wanna-be college students who fly out to the Peruvian rainforest to stop the bulldozers from tearing down a section of forest where they’ve discovered a previously unknown village of natives. Noble enough cause, right? Yes, even if it’s pretty f**king pointless… but they get out there… and basically do a little eco-terrorism by blowing up some dozers, while broadcasting the whole thing on the web (somehow… don’t ask) and eventually are turned away by the mercenaries in the gentlest way possible. Roll credits. Super lame movie. NOPE!!! On the flight back to civilization, their plane crashes… and they’re in the middle of the f**king jungle… and are rescued by the natives. Oh wait, I mean the natives take them to their village… and then start to EAT THEM!!! YES!!! Cannibalistic tribes eat hippie trash!!! Yet another great premise, Mr. Roth!!! Now for the usual stuff… great premise… poor execution… except for one thing, THIS MOVIE WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD!!! Okay… the acting is… mediocre. The dialogue is here & there. There are about five scenes were I literally went “Why the f**k is this in the movie? It’s not funny. There’s no point. It’s not propelling the story. Did they just need to fill 90 minutes?” There’s a LARGE amount of torture porn in the latter half of this movie… but to his credit, not as much as others. A lot of the violence is more implied (leading to the imagination which may have been the benefit of either poorly executed practical effects or low budget… but it works better). Yes, the movie has its flaws. However… it’s pretty beautifully shot… and for what the story is… pretty well done… and there’s not a lot of “Oh shut the f**k up” moments that pop up in horror movies just to set up situations. It’s pretty organic. Okay… so overall… if you’re looking for a pretty good horror flick that you may or may not forget in a few weeks/months… then check this out. If you’re squeamish, just pass.
Then Thursday night, Izzy & I watched a another new movie with a similar premise (cannibalism) but in a completely different setting & situation… and that movie was “Bone Tomahawk” starring Kurt Russell, Patrick Wilson, Richard Jenkins & Matthew Fox… and cameos from David Arquette & Sid Haig too. Great cast. The movie follows the story of a four-man posse in the Old West going on a journey to save two people who were abducted by cannibalistic cave dwellers. The posse is composed of the sheriff (Russell), his elderly deputy (Jenkins), a mysterious dapper gentleman whose family was killed by natives years before (Fox) and the husband of one of the abducted who also has a broken leg (Wilson). Yes, a truly motley crew for facing legendary unknown vicious antagonists… but it’s the old west… and they’ve got facial hair and/or crutches… and their trusty weaponry. Alright, this movie… really set itself up well in the first ten minutes or so… and then… I kid you not, for the next 90 minutes or so… it’s basically just four guys… walking in the desert… talking, on the way to save these people. The topics of conversation? Morals… how stupid the guy with the broken leg is for slowing them down… and not telling them that eventually they’re going to have to amputate… and that’s really about it. It’s very slow… no score… I mean… great way of showing just how trudging & monotonous the situation would be… but there’s seriously a part where they lose their horses that lasts about 12 seconds… to get you excited… and then it’s a full hour of pretty much nothing except for the occasion sound guy jerking himself off at how crunchy he can make leg bones sound when somebody’s trying to walk on them with crutches. Things pick up for the last 30 minutes or so though when they catch up to the cannibalistic tribe… and then you get your ultraviolent conflict resolution… and then a pretty awkward ending that THANKFULLY they cut out the journey back to their city of Bright Hope. Was it a horrible movie? Of course not. It was very artfully done, the acting was pretty good as far as gruff Westerny folk go, intrigue was built when the time was right, fairly realistic for the time period… but my God… that middle 90 minutes when they walk is just… unnecessarily long & pointless. I’d say just fast forward for a bit… or watch it at 10x speed until you see something interesting… but when they’re just talking, keep going until something good happens.
So yeah… something to think about over the Valentine’s / President’s Day weekend… for all you fellow cynics out there. Also, if you’re thinking “$teve, you’re being awfully hard on Valentine’s this time around… what gives bruh? Something bad happen?” Not at all… I’m probably just compensating for something… hiding my real emotions… pay you no mind until next time. Have a fantastic weekend everybody!!!
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