Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,


What I Liked:
· The Rock is Hercules – Let’s face it, as soon as it was announced that Dwayne Johnson was going to play Hercules, the response was “It’s about time!” He’s a charismatic behemoth of a man who can actually act a bit… and even his band of mercenaries were pretty much what you expect with cynical knife-tossing guy (Sewell), possibly-insane prophetic sage (McShane), hot Amazon chick (Ingrid Bolso Berdal) & crazy wild card animal man (Aksel Hennie). They played that “hooker with a heart of gold” thing pretty well where they were mercenaries… but only because they had to be… and in the end, they do good. Spoiler alert: Hercules doesn’t go around destroying villages Conan-style. By the way, YES I would totally watch a “Hercules vs. Conan the Barbarian” crossover pitting The Rock vs. Jason Momoa… but you already f**king knew that… didn’t you DC Comics??? Spoiler alert: Keep an eye out for some kind of Black Adam vs. Aquaman crossover if this one doesn’t work out… let the record show that I’ve already watched two sh*tty Alien vs. Predator movies & Freddy vs. Jason IN THEATRES!!! As a creepy f**k once said in a Batman movie… “I’m a man of my woooord…”
· Keepin’ It Real – I like the “Troy” angle basing it in reality as opposed to guys throwing lightning bolts from the sky & all that crazy “Clash of the Titans” type sh*t. In realistic storytelling, it’s really good to keep the listener engaged & keeping their belief that something like this could actually happen… as opposed to a complete separation from that reality and then they know that there’s really no rules or limitations… and then their mind will start to wander to all the fanciful possibilities that can come to be in this world… which is okay if you’re doing a kid’s flick like Harry Potter or some kind of obscure mind-f**k movie. However, for most good engaging movies, if you ground it in the viewer/listener’s already-established realm of reality, then there’s consequences for their actions, constant danger of injury or death, adult themes & situations, by the way… this isn’t really a kid’s movie is what I’m saying… but when you’re playing in that world, they’ll give in to your story more willingly. Don’t believe me? Which story seems more realistic & gripping? “Braveheart” or “The Ten Commandments”? That being said… there are a few moments that drift back into cinematic BS (catching arrows, tearing down columns, etc.) but for the most part, they keep it pretty real…
What I Didn’t Like:
· Spoiler Alert: The Sudden & Inevitable Betrayal – I’ll admit, this movie did a pretty good job of hiding that the elderly King of Thrace (Hurt) was using Herc’s troupe to beat down an uprising in his kingdom… until you actually realize that this king is hiring five mercenaries to lead his armies. Why? The head of his guard, though also an older man, is right there! The reason that I let this possible Shymalan-ish twist subside for as long as I did… was because the first battle, you had these completely random savage dudes popping out of the ground to fight. What the f**k? Are you telling me these bearded bald guys popping out o the ground and yelling gibberish in a burning village are disgruntled townsfolk? Okay, so there really is a threat… then in the next battle, it’s just average Greek dudes. Okay? Whatever, let’s fight… GASP!!! I’ve been used!!! I can’t believe that somebody would just pay me gold to fight for whichever side that… oh yeah, I’m a f**king mercenary. Wait, there’s a child involved? VENGEANCE!!! Sorry… getting a little ahead of my next point…
· Hercules’ Tragic Backstory – Okay… I was calling bullsh*t on this one from the first implied flash-flashback. Basically the story goes that the reason that Hercules is a mercenary now instead of a King or General or something… is that back in Athens, he had a wife & three kids… until one night he had a little to drink & woke up with his family slaughtered and no recollection as to what happened… so he certainly must’ve done it right? So from that moment on, he was an outcast & had to do what he does to survive. Okay… let’s break it down. You wake up… and your family is slaughtered… yet there’s no blood on you? Maybe a wine stain? Also, your knuckles aren’t sore and your weapons aren’t bloodied? Clues #1-3 that you were set up. Now, does he go to jail for allegedly murdering his family or anything like that? The King (Fiennes) exiles him or something… or I think that’s where they pulled in the twelve labors things, I forget, they’re very vague on what really happened other than he’s a mercenary now. It’s implied later that he has dreams or episodes later on that the crazy sage tells him are visions… but did you have them before this whole incident, then you’re probably just emotionally distraught & your mind is playing tricks on you. Stay off the sauce! In the end, spoiler alert, it’s revealed that the King (who by the way, you know is a bad guy from the beginning because it’s Joseph f**king Fiennes) drugged Hercules and set the wolves to his family & framed him so that Hercules would never become King due to his epic strength & charisma. He couldn’t just kill him… he had to destroy his image first… you know, like “Batman Returns” (or really a lot of the Batman movies if you think about it). Okay… so added clue from before, you awake to find your family TORN ASSUNDER AS IF BY F**KING WOLVES and you just feel a little tipsy with clothes dry as a bone. First thought: “VENGEANCE!!!” The King shows up with guards to the capture Hercules: “IT WASN’T ME! IT WAS THE ONE-ARMED MAN!” “What one-armed man?” “This one!” Rips off the arm of the closest guard and uses it like a nunchaka-whip-blade device to dispatch the rest of the guard, saving the King for last. “You killed my wife… my children… I’m going to enjoy bedding yours!” “What?” EPIC PLOT TWIST! Hercules then kills the King, becomes King himself, f**ks the Queen, his daughters, their chamber mistresses, random Amazonians, warrior princesses & beer wynches… and basically spend the rest of his days crushing his enemies, seeing them driven before him, & hearing the lamentations of their women… you know, the best stuff in life, right? Sigh… this may be why they don’t let me make big-budget movies… I’d get bored & just f**k them up half way through.
The Overall Feeling – Now, this is the weird thing… the movie just didn’t seem like anything spectacular and/or memorable. I mean… it’s a decent action flick… and I can’t really point out any particular horrible things that completely destroyed the movie for me… yet I can’t really find anything that’s overly incredible about it either. Would I watch it again? Maybe… if a few other people wanted to watch it, sure I’d watch it again. By myself? Eh… so many other movies that I haven’t seen yet but hear good things about, you know? It’s just kind of an average movie… but hey, if you’re into movies like my epic “Before Time was Time” movie list… then go ahead & check this out. You shouldn’t be disappointed.
Anyway, aside from that, it’s been a busy work week and occasionally Izzy & I meet up for her to do homework while I watch “Hotel Impossible” on Netflix… so pretty chill after a long day of work. Until next time, I’ll just leave you with the epic battle to come… have a great day everybody!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment