Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Shaq Fu Tu: The Quickening
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
So… signed a three-year lease on the apartment again… yup, that time of year. How much did rent go up? (By the way, not did rent go up… but how much, it’s assumed). Well, this year it was “only” about 6%... and it actually was this time. Not they said 5.5% and it was really 9% for those who know math (like me). So yeah, about $50 extra each month… and there’ll be 5.5% increase each of the next two years (which I will personally double check) but overall, given the climate of San Francisco, that’s really not that bad. It’s still ridiculous… but it could be worse.
Shaq Fu: A Legend Reborn – Speaking of horrible & ridiculous things that could be worse… Shaquille O’Neal & Big Deez Productions (love the name) just crowdfunded a reboot of one of the worst video games ever “Shaq Fu”. Yes, it was almost 20 years ago that a foolish young $teve purchased (at full $49.95 plus tax mind you) a copy of the Super Nintendo video game “Shaq Fu” melting together two of his favorite things at the time… Shaq… and fighting games… like if David Robinson was a special boss in Street Fighter… or Larry Bird was in Mortal Kombat. Well… spoiler alert: The game sucked… probably worse than his movies “Kazaam” & “Steel”. It was just… horrible. I can deal with bad storylines & stuff like that… I mean… video games are based on bad storylines like plumbers stomping on mushrooms & turtles in an alternate dimension and nobody really bats an eye… so the whole “Shaq goes to an alternate dimension to fight off mummies & shiz” isn’t a big thing… however, the game mechanics were pretty horrible, graphics were bad even for SNES & frankly it just wasn’t a lot of fun to play, especially compared to games at the time like Super Street Fighter II and two of my personal favorites… Killer Instinct & Weaponlord. Don’t know about them? Check them out... but this is one of the better examples of the original Shaq Fu...
Anyway, back to the reboot, Shaq is of course a key part of it… but allegedly that’s about the only thing staying the same. Some of the crowdfunding benefits are kind of sweet like him DJ’ing a party, leaving you a voicemail, dinner, taping of his studio show, stuff like that… but allegedly when completed it’s going to be on most of the major consoles… and here are some promotional shots… pay particular attention to the last one…
That’s right… Cyborg Arsenio Hall is apparently going to be a character. Which got me thinking… who else could be characters in the game? Here are a few thoughts:
Michael Jordan as “The Owner” – I’m picturing him made out of liquid metal like T-1000 and able to not only form his arms into knives & stabbing weapons… but to also morph into any other character. Why? To win that f**king trophy, that’s why! Obviously he can also throw fiery basketballs… and double jump ability is a must.
Earvin Johnson as “The Magic Man” – Full wizard regalia in purple & gold… with an infectious laugh & blinding smile can summon the darkest of magics… maybe even throw in some Siberian tigers at his command… why the hell not? With every flamboyant & mystifying maneuver comes his commands like “Showtime baby!” But wait… there’s more…
Also, as you progress in the game, there’s another mysterious entity cloaked entirely in black who challenges The Magic Man… their powers are nearly identical in every way… it is only after standing victorious over his fallen rival that they pull back their cloak to reveal… LARRY THE GRAY!!! THE BIRDMAN OF INDIANA!!!
Kobe Bryant as “The Black Hole” – Made out of liquid metal, starts out fast, strong & impervious to the law… can absorb any projectiles, but will never return them (cuz Kobe don’t pass) but will rust as the match goes on to the point of being almost brittle… so attack quickly & with purpose
Julius Erving as “Dr. Jay” – This OG has a deceptive afro that will cloud the abilities of his opponents… before he’s ready to operate with his bag of sterilized tools.
Allen Iverson as "AI" - Yes, very small, very fast, very tough... and a cyborg... picture a robotic Wolverine in cornrows... probably a big fan favorite upon the game's release.
Dennis Rodman as “The Worm” – I’m can’t even imagine the character design on this guy… but it has to happen, right? I’m thinking something along the lines of his outfit in “Double Team” and with the occasional helpful missile strike from his buddy Kim Jong Un.
Manute Bol as “The Thin Man” – Think Dhalsim from Street Fighter… but almost eight feet tall. This guy cold literally reach you from across the arena… but the drawback is that (as Derrick Coleman brought to everybody’s attention in their famous fight) he’s not really a strong fighter… then again… it’s very difficult to punch a ghost (RIP Manute). OOOH!!! I’ve got it… he’s a reanimated Frankenstein-esque cyborg… okay, never mind… scratch Manute from the roster… or replace him with Dikembe Mutumbo or Hakeem Olajuwon with his Lando Calrissian moustache...
Yao Ming as “YAO!!!” – Tall, strong, master of the martial arts… like a 7’5” Bruce Lee… this is who I’m going to throw into the game because Kareem Abdul-Jabbar simply would not participate… but basically it’s like his role in “Game of Death” but battling a much larger opponent. Obscure reference? You know it! Sigh… it’s a shame Yao’s ankles went out when they did… he was primed to take over the WORLD…
Karl Malone as “The Mailman” – I like this entry in lieu of Charles Barkley as “Sir Charles” or Kenny Smith as “The Jet” because… I really like the idea of Shaq & Karl getting in a little scrum. I know that sounds mean… but think about it. Shaq is this giant behemoth of an immovable object… and Karl was… hell, basically the prime example of a guy who just put in his work every f**king day. I mean… he seemed like an absolute ass… but giving respect where it’s due. The best part: They were on the same team that flopped horribly in a quest for the championship (1999 Lakers, suck it Karl!), it’s pretty difficult to understand what either is saying, Shaq will tease Karl about his rings, Karl will tease Shaq about his movies & then it just comes down to a brutal beatdown of epic proportions… you know, in a video game… because otherwise they’d have to call it “Grudge Match 2” or something.
Dwight Howard as “Superman” – Besides Kobe, MJ, Karl Malone, movie producers, or the five teams that’ve traded him for pennies on the dollar… now he faces his ARCH NEMESIS!!! Like Shaq… but younger, faster, more athletic… took his namesake (or had it thrust upon him & he ran with it) and now Shaq must defeat him in combat to reclaim his Mojo… or something.
These are only a few of the better idea that I had for this game… and I haven’t even gone into pop culture references like The Urkel, The Fresh Prince (or The Carlton), D-O-Double Gizzle (or anybody from Def Jam Fight for NY who might be interested… DMX I’m looking at you), The REAL Superman & Blade. Why Blade? Why the f**k not? Heck, I’ll even though in Steel & Kazaam as special characters. “HOW DARE YOU DEFILE OUR GOOD NAMES? PREPARE FOR BATTLE!!!” FIGHT!!!
Anyway, keep your eyes out for this installation & remember… you heard it here first. You’re welcome! Have a great day everybody!!!