Welcome to 2010

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s been a while coming…but I REALLY have internet now. I know, I was just joking before (apparently). Not only that, I finally have some cable too. Yeah. Both happened today…only like the 5th or 6th attempt for either over the past month-plus. Oh…and in case you were wondering, no. Gretchen is STILL not registered…but she has a temporary permit until the end of March, so we’ll see if I get it taken care of before then. I say if they want to make it as difficult as possible…then I shall return the favor. Anyway, enough chatter of my utility woes. I’m tired of talking about them. Allow me to catch you up on the month that was December 2009. Ugh…well, a lot happened. Luckily, I took some pictures for everybody. So let’s begin.

Here are some pictures of that first big snowstorm back in early December that many of you received text messages from me about how I feared that I would have to dig my way to work one day thanks to the “plowing” provided by my apartment building, when in reality, I just needed to dig myself to the first major road. Did I mention that I drive a 4WD Jeep now? Anyway, some of the pictures are pretty…

Somewhere around hour 12 of 36 of snowing...

This was on my bedroom deck...which is COVERED!!!

It had actually warmed up 5 degrees by the time I could park at work

This is why I put up with it...

I get bored easily. So when the weather is proper, I will go adventuring. Here is an example of one such journey down to Lake Tahoe (the actual lake’s about 15 minutes from where I live on a good day). Please take note of the beautiful white sand beaches which are rather odd given the mountainous terrain. Also, please note the small snowmen made of this sand…

The Wingmans came to visit me just before Christmas and so while Mrs. Wingman wanted to play with her dad, Mr. Wingman & I spent a weekday checking out checking out the Lake, eating lunch at the Char Pit (probably the most fittingly named burger joint in all the world), getting stuck on a mountain road for about an hour at dusk (we could’ve gone the other way…but that was at least two hours out of our way) and checking out the biggest little city in the world – Reno, Nevada. Here are some pictures of this adventure…

My Christmas tree

Me judo-chopping a bear...who may have been high...

Friends Liquor - They'd better not

Hmm, what's under the dome?

Oh a mill, of course

"Kiss the rings..."

That's some hot fiddling...

After their visit, I visited Utah for the holidays and, as previously stated, had an amazing time with my family and friends. Here are some pictures to go along with that too…

"Aaaah, great to be home..."

Sigh... That's my Baby. Deja vu.

One thing I miss about living in downtown

The Graffiti

When I returned to Reno, the Wingman picked me up and I had the opportunity to use my chains for the first time as I drove home around midnight in a little snowstorm where I’m pretty sure the Donner Party started looking at each other and salivating. Good times. No pictures of that…but I made it home safe & sound.

New Year’s Eve was alright. I went to the Village at Northstar where I heard there were fire spinners, fireworks & fiery hotties. Two out of three ain’t bad though. Just playing, there were a few there…but they were accompanied already. I did meet & hang out with a few people and they offered me some Hot Totty out of their thermos…and it was pretty damn good. After the fireworks, I went to Blue Coyote Bar & Grill…but it was pretty dead. So I drove to downtown Truckee and the only place that seemed open was The Great American Bar…and it was jam packed with a line out the door…so shortly after midnight, I went home. Really would’ve liked to have hung out with The Mad Scientist & Bubbles in Vegas or something…but hey, it was still fun. I’ll just have to do more planning for next year & find out where all the cool kids go (probably Reno or something). Anyway, picture time…

That’s really about it. This first week of 2010 has just been busy & hopefully I’ll be able to catch up over the weekend. Hey, maybe I’ll give you some stellar movie reviews from the past month too. Or perhaps some news of the obscure is more up your alley. Well, now that I have access to the world wide web at home again, it’s all coming to a theatre near you. Hopefully this put your mind at ease about whether or not I still exist…and those of you who noticed the name change of the blog (Lilie), the previous title was no longer fitting after moving twice since then, so I went with something more suitable. Have a great day everybody!!!

2009 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It seems that I FINALLY have internet once again. “But $teve, weren’t you supposed to have it like…over a month ago?” Yes, yes I was. However, we had a lovely little snowstorm come through that dumped for over 24 hours…and apparently the cable/internet guy & the gas man cancelled on me. Luckily, I had the day off from work (because I worked a Saturday) but couldn’t do too many errands because everybody was having a snow day. However, I was able to get a “smog test” done on my new Jeep, Gretchen…and when I went to the DMV (located in a strip mall next to a video store & a Chinese restaurant here in Truckee) they told me that I needed more stuff from the dealer…so that went nowhere. Basically, you haven’t missed much in my life other than being super busy at work with opening our new office…and then being involved in a giant circle jerk involving my bank, my insurance company, the car dealership, the DMV, the electric company (sans Morgan Freeman), the gas company, the cable/internet provider, and of course…my HR department…because apparently I wronged them at some time years ago & they’ve been trying to get back at me ever since…no matter where I go. That all being said, I’m still in stellar spirits because…it’s just incredible here…and now I’m down to trying to get my Jeep registered (still) and theoretically I may have television at some time in the future. That’s right, I STILL don’t have TV…and it’s not for a lack of trying.

Christmas was fan-freakin’-tastic!!! For those of you who I didn’t run into, I was able to step away from the office for a few days to go back to Utah to be with the family…and Kairi was there…and even Bubbles & Lilie were in town…and the Wingmans came to visit…but I’ll elaborate more on that in another post…because it’s New Year’s Eve…and that can only mean one thing…


The 2009 $tevies


Back by popular demand, it's the 3rd Annual $tevie Awards…with your host, $teve. Based on something sent to my MySpace account a few years back. Once again, just because you're not mentioned in the $tevies doesn't mean that I don't care about you. It's simply some stupid stuff that I threw together to kind of sum up the year…and feel free to check out the numerous links to past entries to keep yourself entertained & reminisce about the year that was. So without further ado, this year's winners are...



DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: Bubbles - Three-time winner of this award & with that, you’re inducted as the first member of the $tevie Hall of Fame. New Year’s Eve was…well, I remember most of it, a trip to the emergency room in July, a giant random gaping hole in my jeans last month, good times. An honorable mention goes to JL Clyde, who was there when I moved back to Utah and we share a bond over Rum & Coke Slurpees…and pretentious beer. Then again, living between two microbreweries & a liquor store on top of my stocked bar, who needs a buddy to get sh*t faced, right? P.S. There’s a microbrewery two blocks from my new home here in Truckee…so the saga continues. Who will be next year’s drinking buddy?



LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): Isaihia - Another three-time winner & inductee to the Hall of Fame. Haven’t seen him much this past year but he’s living the married life again and watching 49ers games for some reason. Honorable mention here goes to his little brother Spitsofrantic who's been a friend just about as long. Now over twenty full years. Dang.



NEWCOMER AWARD: K-Fish – Apparently I reinstilled her faith in both text messaging and men in general…but she really helped get me through some of those tedious work days when I went back to Utah. Perhaps next year, my roommate will be a Newcomer Award winner…but we shall see. Congratulations K-Fish!!!



HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: TAHOE!!! – This was definitely a year of peaks & valleys…quite literally…all across the western United States. Started off living in Denver, then moved back home to Utah after being let go, then after about four months of pestering Big Boss B and several of my new bosses, I was offered employment here in Lake Tahoe to enjoy the splendor. There were many high points this year of a more immediate gratification like New Year’s in Vegas with Bubbles, Mardi Gras with Filly, Belle, Sunset and the Krewes, the magnificent Road Trip in April across California with my mom, aunt, cousin, Lilie & the Wingmans, even Going Back Home for the summer was a blessing in disguise of unemployment. I got to see the niece & nephew more, hang with my mom & dad more readily, meet up with some of my readers like JL Clyde, Bone Junior & the Mad Scientist, learn a new job within the same company, meet some new people & basically just had a lot of fun. This year has been amazing…despite all the obstacles along the way.


LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Attack of the Crack Whore – I could be really selfish and say it was the Day of Infamy 2 when I was let go in Denver…but looking back, the only thing that I REALLY miss was my apartment on the 34th floor and hanging with my cousin from time to time. Who knew it would turn out to be a good thing at the time & now I’m in Lake Tahoe? Far & away though, the low point has been the continuing Jerry Springer drama that is my crack whore ex-sister-in-law & her kidnapping of my beloved niece Kairi…on multiple occasions. The latest involved this crazy b**ch running off to another state with my niece & her pedophile boyfriend…to be with her sister (who I never knew existed) and her father who molested her…and of course there’s a legal battle going on…but you know how those go…and in the State of Utah, the mother has absolute power absolutely…no matter how ill-fit she is. Luckily for both of us, I’ve only had to see that c**t once this year…and neither of us wanted to talk. I’m hoping that some good comes out of here too…but I’m not holding my breath. However, even this low point led to…


BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas – Another regular award-winner. This year was great because this last week I met up with just about everybody. Even Bubbles & Lilie were in town and we were able to hang out…and the Wingmans came to visit me in Tahoe. I even got some fantastic presents…but the best of all was merely the presence of my darling niece who made it back just in time for the holidays and we had oodles of fun. It was truly a great week to be me…and I thank you all for making my life so incredible. Without you, I’d be living in a frozen hell with nothing to do but work & shiver…with nobody to talk to, being the main difference. Seriously though, I love y’all madly.


SONG FOR 2009: “On To The Next One” by Jay-Z – I had to go with the only new CD that I bought this year, “The Blueprint 3” and this was the best track…and so fitting for my year of nomadic behavior across I-80 West. Jigga always makes the list when he drops an album. Big thanks to Bubbles for turning me onto the Kings of Leon when I visited around New Year’s, but that means they would’ve been last year’s winner with “Sex on Fire” and their album. Other than that, I haven’t really listened to the radio or anything like that this year. But…I did get to see Smokey Robinson this year…and shake hands with the Bacon Brothers. That’s right, I’m officially one degree of Kevin Bacon. That makes you all two degrees or less.


MOVIE FOR 2009: Inglorious Basterds – Always a pleasure to watch Quentin Tarantino at work…and this time he paired up with a HUGE star…and the posters are right, “Brad Pitt is a Basterd.” Where the hell does this guy get off being so perfect? Oh yeah, inside of Angelina. That’s right. Anyway, the movie was great though…not historically correct, involving a LOT of subtitles, and really the biggest star other than Mister Pitt is who? The director of Hostel? The temp from the Office? Helen of Troy? That German guy who is in a bunch of action movies? What’s his name? The one French chick that was in…what has she been in? Regardless, great flick. Go check it out. So glad that I got it for Christmas…and then I got “Jennifer’s Body” for me. Don’t judge me. Sure there were a lot of other great flicks…but it’s really hard to top Tarantino. Or Megan Fox (so I hear…but if the guy from 90210 can do it…)


VIDEO GAME FOR 2009: Rock Band 2? – I honestly haven’t really played a lot of video games this year…obviously since this one came out last year. I hear from my brother that Assassin’s Creed 2 might be my kind of game…but I have yet to play it, so I can’t confirm. Wait, I think Rock Band’s a three-time winner now…so another Hall of Fame Inductee.

TV SHOW FOR 2009: Dollhouse – Somebody has to give this show an award…and since it’s going to be cancelled in a few weeks, I’ll take that duty upon myself. Yes ladies & gentlemen, it’s the greatest show on television that you’re not watching (nor is anybody else in America without a computer). Not just a sci-fi show about beautiful people (like Eliza Dushku) that are programmed to do morally flexible (and usually violent and/or sexy) things, but also a look into the very soul of Man and the decisions that we make…and what makes us human. Joss Whedon is a f**king genius storyteller and I’m bummed that he keeps getting horrible timeslots…but hey, that’s why they make the DVDs. Also, I’m a fan of other TV shows that I’ve only recently caught up on like Supernatural, Dexter, Mad Men, Chuck and of course the usual gaggle of adult cartoons & It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: My Cousin – We spent Valentine’s alone together…and had a few drinks at a bar & reminisced about music back in the day. Yeah, not romantic or anything…but pretty typical for Single Awareness Day. A few days later, I went to Mardi Gras for a week.

BEST RELATIONSHIP: N/A – It’s kinda sad that probably the best relationship I’ve had this year was with moving companies. Kinda difficult to get your swerve on when you’re constantly in a state of packed…but hey, I’m settled in Truckee now & I don’t plan on moving for a while. Maybe I can convince some lady to let me slip inside of her that isn’t Gretchen (my Jeep).

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: Captain Hammer – Tape: $1, Construction paper: $5, Gloves: $8, Having the superpower to tell everybody that “The Hammer is my penis”: Priceless

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Restaurant 162 at The Ritz-Carlton, Laguna Niguel – Quite possibly the best hamburger I’ve ever had and a seafood buffet that is simply unparalleled in both scope & price. Yeah, bring your checkbook…but it’s amazing…and has a fantastic view of the ocean at sunset. An honorable mention goes to In-n-Out Burger for just existing now within 30 minutes of where I live.

BOOK OF THE YEAR: “96 Ways to Talk to Anyone” by Leil Lowndes - Sh*t, I forgot to read this year… Well, that’s not entirely true. I did read the books that Bubbles got for me last year but they were “Dirty, Filthy Jokes” and “200 Places You Must See” (I think I had been to 24 or so thus far) but this one was from…I think my stepmom. It’s helped a little bit…but like I mentioned before, a lot of it I already knew…and it didn’t help me get laid. Wanna win the Book of the Year $tevie? Write something that directly satisfies me in a carnal way. That is your challenge. I’m tired of writing my own erotica…no matter how amazing it is.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Bugging the f**k out of Tahoe – Again with the tenacity to just keep trying no matter what the hell is going on came through in the end for me…and now I get to continue my career of the past decade in a new mountain resort town with a giant lake and that’s smack in the middle of Reno, San Francisco, Slick City, Vegas, LA and just about everywhere else I’d look to road trip to…if I get bored of being in pristine oasis. It just goes to show, if at first you don’t succeed, just keep pushing that rock up the hill like Sisyphus…with the crows picking at your organs, your body exhausted, the weight of the rock resting on your shoulders, just keep pushing. That’s why this whole circle jerk about getting my car registered & utilities set up hasn’t really worn on me…because it’ll get done…or they just won’t get my money.

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Live Each Day – So two years ago, I had no idea my peeps would spread like wildfire over the globe. In this last year, it’s really been nothing but change, constant & consistent. Now I’m hopefully settled a bit & can make the Martis Valley and surrounding area my new home. Basically, I still just want to live each day greatly and have fun with this new wonderful experience, meet new people, try new things and keep in touch with my loved ones. Simple plans, right? Yeah, just like they were last year.

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Mechanical Bull? – You know, I’d like to think it was a stupid idea…but it was a lot of f**king fun. I’m only saying it because I lost my phone for a few weeks & that was awkward. I’m actually kind of proud to say that I haven’t made a lot of stupid drunken decisions this year. I’ve been quite responsible. Maybe taking Bubbles to the hospital a little sooner in July would’ve been better…but the only reason that I didn’t was because she insisted…and I can’t blame her, I hate hospitals too. Damn it, now I want to ride a mechanical bull again. I wonder if they have a place around here…

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: Mailing Address – I guess that would technically be biggest changes of the year. Yeah, definitely a year of changes…but I think it’s just catching up after being in the same place for so long before. Now I’m in California (Nevada County, CA just to be confusing) a stone’s throw from where the Donner Party…well, ended. Just a big year of changes and it seems like that’s all I’ve been doing for a while is adapting. Whether it’s learning new surroundings, setting up residency & utilities there, my family changing every day, my niece & nephew getting bigger by the hour, friends moving all over the place, getting married, having kids of their own, losing jobs, moving to get jobs, getting sick or hurt, major changes all over the place…but hey, that’s the one constant, right? It’s all quite exciting. Frustrating at times…but exciting none the less.

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: The Crack Whore – I don’t even want to talk about her again. May she rot in Tucson.

TWO YEARS AGO’S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS UPDATE:

• Travel more...or at least as much – And looking for apartments while I’m there


• Find a good girl who likes me too – Again, not of a sexual nature


• Have more sex...preferably with a woman nearby - Sigh...


• Pursue another part-time job...maybe as a late night radio DJ - I’m thinking Handsome Companion


• Play more basketball. I miss our times together – Played basketball once since April…and destroyed my big toenail doing it. Still love that b**ch…


• Give more to charity & donate time, blood, plasma, sperm, hair, feces, whatever they'll take - Blood & Time


• Dance more...preferably with a woman nearby – I think salsa dancing with Belle during Mardi Gras was it


• Swear less (now that my nieces & nephews are getting spongier) – They ain’t learning it from me


• Should I swear off Mountain Dew? - A lot less Mountain Dew, that's for sure


• Nah, maybe just eat healthier...or cook more – Definitely cooking more


• Remember JJ – She’s getting married y’all…in case you didn’t know


• Smack more asses (a.k.a. More forward with the opposite sex) - I've smacked a few asses this year…and had them returned


• Drive my Baby more – Apparently she hasn’t been moved since this time last year


• Most importantly, make sure everybody out there knows how much I love & care for them - You all know, right?
  

LAST YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

• Make Denver my new home – F**k Denver!!!


• Find that Love I've been looking for – Ugh, f**k Denver???


• Progress in my job & learn everything about the industry – I’ve learned THREE jobs this year. YAY!!!


• Don't Settle for Mediocrity – Well, Tahoe is beyond mediocre, that’s for sure


• Learn another language (Spanish or Mandarin…to go along with English & German) – Yeah, never happened


• Renew my Passport…and use it – Renewed but not used…yet


• Get my body ripped…like Jesus – Sigh…it was pretty nice in April…still okay


• Movie Nights with neighbors and new friends in Denver – (clear throat) F**K…DENVER!!!


• Play in a Recreational Basketball League – Already investigating possibilities with coworkers here in Truckee


• Make sure everybody out there knows how much I love & care for them STILL!!!
  

THIS YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

• Make the Truckee / Tahoe / Reno area my new home (jinx)


• Live Frugally, Yet Well


• Stay in Touch


• Birthday Roadtrip


• Progress in my Career, Not Just Settle for What’s Given


• Basically all the stuff I said in previous years that I haven’t yet done

So that's basically it for today. I may do an awards show for the DECADE that was...but yeah, we'll see. I'll also catch you up on pictures & stuff soon but...yeah, things are difficult here in small town Cali when it comes to utilities. Luckily it makes up for it in being exciting, new & beautiful. Now if I could just find somebody to share it all with. Have a happy new year everybody!!! May your 2010 be far better than 2009 or any year before.

Her Name Was Carmen

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today has been a pretty good day thus far. At work, I was awarded with Employee of the Month (and it's my 2nd full month that I qualify for, mind you) as well as received a few sweet letters from lady coworkers...and a few prizes to go with all of this like a half-day off with pay (cha-ching) and a few vending machine vouchers. Also, I received quite a few emails and text messages from ladies who miss me and/or enjoy my craziness...and my niece Kairi called me last night to say she missed me. Oh yeah, $teve is susceptible to flattery...and he has no problem with letting it go to his head. Yes, it's a truly blessed day. Tomorrow should be a busy day because that's when a lot of job applications are going to be filled out after our HR is done with their "upgrades" which usually means...my information will be lost for about a year and I won't get any tuition reimbursement and I simply won't exist on a professional level. Sorry, that's just what happened the last time there was an "upgrade" with the HR department...so fingers crossed that doesn't happen again this time around. Wish me luck, eh? Here's some news...

First Love Reunited - With the help of a $250,000 reward, the founder of the Papa John's pizza chain has finally reunited with the muscle car he sold years ago to help keep his family's business afloat. John Schnatter sold the gold-and-black 1971 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 for $2,800 in 1983. The money helped save his father's tavern in Jeffersonville, Indiana, and he used the rest to start what would become a worldwide pizza business...but he still missed his beloved Camaro and spent years searching for it. He created a Web site on the search, held promotional appearances and eventually offered $250,000 to whoever found it. It turns out he didn't have to leave Kentucky, where the pizza chain is based in Louisville. The car only changed hands twice from the original buyers, ending up with Jeffery Robinson in Flatwoods, about 165 miles to the east. "When I first saw it I still wanted to look it over to make sure it was the car even though I knew it," Schnatter told The Associated Press. "That kind of hit me emotionally. I was kind of numb." The original buyers of Schnatter's car heard about the search when he appeared in a TV interview before an NFL game this month. An online search led them to the car blog Jalopnik, which has followed the search and tipped off Papa John's. Robinson, who bought the car about five years ago for $4,000, recently delivered the Camaro to Schnatter, earning the $250,000 reward. The original buyers will get $25,000 for their help tracking it down. Schnatter says it looks very much the same as it did when he sold it in 1983, but with a larger motor and fatter tires for drag racing. The car will be displayed at the company headquarters in Louisville, replacing a replica Schnatter commissioned while he searched for his original car. In honor of the reunion, Papa John's planned to offer all Camaro owners a free pizza at stores today (still a few hours left). See, I like this story...and it's probably because my first car was a 1985 Camaro named Carmen...and here's our story...

It was the summer of 1997, the beginning of my 16th year. That summer, I had my first REAL job...and yes, it was actually with the same company I work with now...but it was a good way to make money for a scrappy teenager with a lot of trivial knowledge and a sweet demeanor. I had worked relentlessly for almost three months and saved up for what would be my first car (like all kids should be forced to do). I had mentioned this to some coworkers...and I was introduced to Jane...and her husband JW (which stood for John Wayne...and was incredibly appropriate). These two had been together for about thirty years...and drove two things & two things only - Harleys & Camaros. Well, apparently it was time for an upgrade to newer models for both...so Jane was looking to sell her Carmen (which her son had wrecked pretty good a few months earlier) and as you would expect, she wanted to make sure she was going to a good home. So my dad & I went and hung out with them...and we chatted. I asked her why she had named her car Carmen and she always liked the name...but when I asked about her bike named Luke, she said, "I always give the bike a guy's name because I'm not into straddling girls and riding them all day." My response was, "Really? That's fitting because I name my cars after girls because I have no problem sliding inside, starting up their motor and burning a little rubber." Long story short, my charms had worked on both of them. They knew they had found a good home for Carmen...and it ended up saving me $400 from the original asking price. I spent the next year or so fixing her up and getting a new firecracker red paint job on her once the body was straightened out & the sound system was severely upgraded (like BUMP BUMP!!!). That was my car all through high school...and with my various jobs and road trips and driving an hour to school every day, I put about 25,000 miles a year plus on those tires...and she rarely gave me any trouble. We were like peas & carrots.

However, this love story has a pretty tragic ending. See, Carmen knew how to maneuver in the snow. You wouldn't think it, being a pretty sportscar...but she had pulled out a few trucks out of snowdrifts in her day. I did live next to a ski resort during my senior year. Also, she only slid out of control once (black ice on a winding canyon road after midnight shift...and maybe I was going a little too fast). She was surefooted...but I live in Utah...and cops & Mother Nature don't like red Camaros. Well, my second year of college, I had moved to the big city of Salt...and I was driving home from my gratis job of practice squad for the women's basketball team (mmm, those were the days) to get ready for my job that paid tuition...yes, with the same company that I work for now. It was snowing a bit...and it was cold...and the roads were icy. The road to my dad's basement (where I was living at the time...because again, I was paying tuition) had a bridge over the train tracks...and little did I know that the other side was extremely icy and unsalted...and there were a number of cars piled at the bottom of the bridge. My nimble-footed Carmen was able to stop on the ice...but the uninsured b**ch and her new Camry behind me...weren't so lucky...and they hit me pretty good, sending me spinning around on the ice a bit and slamming up against the roadside barriers. I was listening to Barry White at the time. Don't know why I remember that. Carmen was hurt. Both rear fenders were mangled and digging into the rear tires a bit...but I was okay...and of course, my first thought wasn't "I'm going to kill this f**ker" but making sure that the other driver was okay. She was...and so was her one-year-old daughter. I kid you not, less than a minute after the accident, a salt truck came by and salted the roads...maneuvering through about twenty cars that were wrecked. It was frustrating.



Well, we exchanged info...but little did I know that the info she gave me was...let's just say illegitimate...and she was never heard from again...and my insurance did nothing. There's actually an extremely funny flip-out story involving me, my mom & my brother going to the agency...and it was quite messy. I'm surprised the cops weren't called...but those f**kers probably get it all the time. F**K YOU INSURANCE INDUSTRY!!! So Carmen was able to drive home...but not much after that. Her injuries were quite severe...and it was basically time to put her down...by which I mean donate her to charity for the tax write-off. I kid you not when I say that was one of the hardest decision that I ever had to make. I know that sounds really lame...but I honestly loved that car. Like Loved, a car. It sounds lame...but I put a LOT into that car. I spent so much time fixing her...and washing her...and put a LOT of hard earned money into her...and just the way that we were forced to part, it cuts straight to my heart every time I think about it. We had been through a lot together. She wasn't a supercharged sportscar. She was a 5-speed 2.8L V6 that topped out around a hundred, which was more than enough. She was dependable. She was stylish. She was mine and I was hers. That's all we needed to get by. We worked hard & played harder. Now she's laid to rest in some junkyard somewhere...and all I have are a few pictures and a license plate. Well, shortly after, I was able to save up to get my Baby from a friend of my mom's...and then Brandy was given to me by the greatest great-step-grandfather that there ever was...but nobody forgets their first (unless they were really really drunk). Carmen was my first...and it makes my heart smile to see Papa John and his Camaro back together. I wonder if he has a name for her too. Like Goldie or something. I'll have to ask him next time we meet in an elevator or something.

Anyway, I'm gonna go cry now and try to scrounge up some pictures of Carmen. Not sure if any still exist...but we'll see. Wish me luck tomorrow with the whole HR job application upgrade fiasco. Seems like I was doing this same kind of thing last year. Let's hope this goes a little smoother. Have a great day everybody!!!

Get Off My Lawn!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So...I won some Incubus concert tickets to USANA Amphitheatre next week. Thanks KBER 101. So yeah, I'll be checking them out. I'll admit, I think I've only heard two or three songs by them...but hey, they're free tickets...and they're an okay band. Other than that, I don't have a whole helluva lotta stuff to mention in my personal life. Believe me, I wish I did...but I don't. Not even any hot & steamy dreams (that are out of the ordinary) to share with ya. My apologies...and I'll be certain to get to work on that.

Last night, I finally gave my dad his Father's Day present and we watched it together, "Gran Torino" starring and directed by Clint Eastwood. Now, this ended up being the PERFECT Father's Day. Why? Because Clint basically plans a composite of my father...and my grandfather...and they even had the same name, Walter. Not only that...but the character traits were eerily similar. Walter has lived in the same house for some 50 years...and like all such places, after being around 50 years the neighborhood has turned into a ghetto. He has a garage full of just about every tool ever made and is a handyman (just like my dad). He is also a Korean War vet who is incredibly bigoted and has very stern and strong feelings about how men & women should act (just like my Grandpa Love, RIP). Walter's wife passes away and his family & neighborhood is worried about how he's going to react. See, he's a bit of a recluse and always involved in fixing things to avoid social contact other than his wife...and so now they're worried that she's not there. Also, Asian families have moved into his neighborhood and though most are good, some are in gangs. Well, his neighbors are good peeps...but the son of the family's cousin tries to get him into his gang...by challenging him to steal Walter's mint condition 1972 Gran Torino...but it doesn't happen. Now the gang is causing trouble next door...and Walt steps in...with a shotgun, "Get off my lawn!!!" Well, of course they see him as a hero now...and he takes the son Tao under his wing a bit (in his own way) and teaches him to be a man...but the violence with the gang gets escalated. Anyway, I liked it a lot. Eastwood makes some great flicks. I also like how they tried to tie in the whole manhood with respect to the car culture, like a real man takes care of his own and doesn't try to make everything all flashy & ridiculously pointless. I don't know, there was a lot of life lessons involved...and it just reminded me a lot of my male role models growing up...so yeah, great flick. I highly recommend it...especially for guys. Girls may not understand. Also, I thought it interesting that I found this article the next day...

Cars & Personalities - The butterfly decals on the front bumper, flowers in the dashboard vase and lime-green paint job only confirmed Dennis Slice's perception of a Volkswagen Beetle parked in a lot at Florida State University. Slice, a shape analysis researcher, said the narrow body, wide-eyed circular headlights, tall windshield and curve of the bug's hood match the facial features of a smiling woman or child. "This is the classic cute car — not dominant, not aggressive," said Slice, an associate professor of scientific computing at FSU. "I don't think anyone could be mean to someone else in a Volkswagen Beetle." (Time for a WWII lesson) Slice and fellow researchers at Austria's Vienna University, where he's a guest professor, are exploring the widely held belief that cars project personalities because they look like human faces when viewed head-on. Cartoonists, for instance, long have drawn anthropomorphic cars with toothy grilles that grinned or frowned and headlights that winked or blinked. The creators of the recent animated film "Cars," though, used windshields for eyes. They were afraid headlight peepers would have given racer Lightning McQueen and other denizens of Radiator Springs a snakelike appearance. Three cars parked near the Beetle offer examples of the opposite end of the personality spectrum. A Mitsubishi Eclipse, Ford Mustang and Dodge Charger each practically ooze testosterone. Their low, wide stances, long hoods, gaping grilles and relatively narrow headlights give each of these sporty models a look that's consistent with the facial features of an adult male, Slice said. Each projects a mature, dominant, aggressive and powerful personality. "This is a car that's ready to take care of business. You don't want to mess with this car." Slice and his Vienna colleagues hope their work one day may help designers determine what parts of a car, such as the headlights, grille or windshield, they can change to project traits that make cars more appealing to different kinds of customers. They're taking the emerging field of shape analysis, or morphometrics, in a new direction. Most other applications have been biological or medical. For example, researchers are trying to determine if bone shapes can be used to help identify the age, gender and race of unknown human remains and how variations in facial features affect the fit and function of respirators. The idea of seeing faces in inanimate objects is part of a survival instinct that goes back to prehistoric times, Slice said. Facial features offering clues about a person's sex, age, emotions and intentions helped early humans "know whether the guy that just stepped out of the bushes is going to take your head back for a trophy or invite you to lunch," Slice said...assuming that lunch and/or brunch was a big thing for Cro-Magnon man. Those identifications are so important that people also tend to see faces even where they don't exist. "If you get it wrong and you see a face in a cloud or a stone or a mountain or some burnt toast (Elvis or the Virgin Mary?) then you might be frightened a little bit, but it's no real cost to you. But if you should ever miss a face and that person wants your head, then that's a serious omission." Slice said future research may look at whether cars' personalities relate to drivers' habits and interactions. "Possibilities are if you see an aggressive car in your rear view mirror you may be more like to pull over and yield to it. By the same token, if you see a submissive or more immature car trying to get into traffic you may be more likely to yield to it and help the innocent little car get into traffic." Another question is whether drivers have the same personalities as their cars. Slice got a bit of anecdotal evidence in the parking lot from Gwen Oliver, a custodial supervisor at Florida State, after telling her that her black Eclipse is dominant, aggressive, powerful and "ready to take care of business." "I am. Everything you said, I'm like that," Oliver told him after she briskly walked over to see why he was interested in her car. "I'm aggressive, I'm straightforward and I'm outgoing and I believe in getting the job done." Interesting...

So what does your car say about you? Do you drive a Mustang (possibly with personalized plates) and are ready to take care of business? Is your side view mirror held on with Hope & duct tape? Do your bumper stickers demonstrate your values, beliefs or sense of humor? Have you put sweat, blood & tears into restoring your 1969 Pontiac Lemans, given it a name like Baby and then realize that you can't afford to drive it around because it's a bad-ass, gas guzzler and you're tired of elderly gentleman coming up and asking you about your car every time that you stop at a gas station and no women are interested because...well who the hell knows? Or perhaps you drive a 1988 Buick Park Avenue a.k.a. a Granny Car because it's spacious, comfortable and you enjoy a bit of style...and it was a gift from your step-great-grandfather who gave it to you because he knew that you would appreciate it & take care of it? I'm sure there are stories associate with all of your cars...and I would LOVE to hear them. Please take a moment to share your story in my Comments sections. I would greatly appreciate it. Go ahead. I'll wait.

(This is where you tell me the story about your vehicle...or what you think your vehicle says about you. I will not continue until your finished, so please take your time)

That's a great story. Thank you for sharing. I had no idea it meant that much to you. Where was I? Oh yeah, rambling gibberish with fairly obvious sexually frustrated undertones.

Amsterdam Update - Over the years, I have reported and occasionally commented on once of my favorite cities that I have never been to...Amsterdam. During that time, we have seen a reduction in the Red Light District and growth towards a more family-friendly appeal in the tourism trade...but now, I'm proud to say that the city has taken further steps to preserve some of its heritage. Amsterdam city council is turning its attention to a pressing problem for one of the city's key business sectors -- banking and credit for prostitutes who can't get accounts from mainstream institutions. The city's red light district is famed the world over for its women in tiny windows and even tinier clothing, but despite the trade being legal, many banks shy away from taking the ladies on as customers (and I have no idea why). As part of the city's "Project 1012" to remake the De Wallen neighborhood, which includes the sex district, the city council has been asked to find a way to help bordello owners and sex workers gain more access to banks. "Up until now, it's been very difficult for people in the sex industry to get credit with the banks. For them it is a hazard that they can not get regular credit or help or mortgages or anything from a regular bank." The council is expected to come to some sort of conclusion within the next two months on what it might do to help the industry. It will not, however, establish or sponsor a "sex bank" as reported by a local paper. "It's more that we're going to investigate and talk with bankers and try to set up a system in which they can get a loan or credit," the spokesman said. He added the city wants to ensure that prostitution is a "bona fide" industry, and that the "entrepreneurs" who ply the local trade need access to regular bank credit for legitimacy. Over the long term, under Project 1012 (named for the area's postcode...so no need for you to Google the internet for some perverse sex act by the same name too) the city plans to restrict prostitution to a few tightly controlled areas. It has already bought a number of buildings that formerly housed red light windows and converted them into art galleries or housing. So who wants to go to Amsterdam with me? Anyone? I really want to get over there and check out the city's culture...not just the Red Light District...but the Anne Frank House...and the many art museums like Rijks & Stedelijk and the works of Van Gogh...and take a ride down the canals...and go see the tulip fields of Aalsmeer...and visit the Alkmaar Cheese Market...and see where Heinekens are made...and do a clog dance on the cobblestone streets...and take part in the culture of symphony or opera or some dramatic play...and if time permits, maybe get some coffee and stimulate the economy as well as my Netherlands. So yeah, WHO'S COMING WITH ME??? (Besides the young lady who just got a new credit account thanks to Project 1012)

Some People Just Don't Get Funny - A 21-year-old woman faces felony charges after allegedly prank-calling her 69-year-old grandmother 45 times in one day, threatening to kill her. The woman faces five felony counts including harassment. A criminal complaint said she told police she was "bored" and "wanted to have some fun." The woman and a 20-year-old friend, also facing charges, allegedly called the older woman on February 5th and said "I'm gonna kill you," "You're going to die" and "I'm watching you." Police officers answered some calls for the grandmother and heard a female caller make threats. The criminal complaint said the suspect told investigators she wanted to scare her grandmother but didn't want her dead. She said she knew it was wrong but not illegal. Okay, a few things here. First off, it happened back in early February...and the police are just getting to doing something about it now...but we'll skip that. Secondly, have we really reached that point of boredom...where even the dumbest of us think "You know what'll give me some instant gratification? I'm gonna call up Granny and threaten to kill her. No wait, she'll recognize my voice. You do it." "Okay! What's her number?" Not only that...but to do it FORTY-FIVE TIMES before you get bored of it (or she took the phone off the hook). You know, there's a reason that your grandparents are cranky...and it's probably your fault. Sorry to say it...but if they are cranky...ask them why. Nine times out of ten, it's gonna be because they think all the young whipper snappers out there are idiots...and the tenth time will be because they don't like their neighbors. So yeah, some people just don't understand pranks...and should stay away from it all together. We shall call them, April Fools. Please just keep it to April 1st so that we can easily identify you and only have to put up with you one day out of the year. As for you great pranksters out there, keep 'em coming.

It's Tuesday, so you know what that means...

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "You are Kind & Trustworthy by Nature...in bed" - It's true. It's absolutely true. As mentioned yesterday, you could even sign your soul over to me...and I wouldn't use it for my army of the undead. I would just try to get a cheap laugh from making you think so. And when it comes to "in bed", I always Love Tender...unless it's requested otherwise...and even then, I'm trustworthy with restraints and a cat o' nine tails.

That'll do it for today. I hope that you enjoyed today's episode. I usually type up most of this gibberish while at work...and we're always busy...so please forgive any grammatical errors or things that don't really make sense (besides those that may be intentionally nonsensical). Please let me know if you'd be interested in going to the Incubus concert. You rock. Speaking of which, Happy Anniversary to the Wingmans!!! Can't believe it's already been two years. You guys are the best friends that a fool like me could ever hope have...and I greatly appreciate you...and I hope that you know this. Anyway, allow to wipe these tears away. Have a great day everybody!!!