Be Still! The Pharaoh Speaks...

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night was the SF Homebrewers Guild meeting at Anchor Brewing and we had our annual elections. I threw my hat into the ring despite my relative inexperience… but honestly, they’re just looking for a bit of an organized body to help spearhead the guild and help with its exponential growth… and I’m more than happy to lend my expertise & make some great connections in the meantime. I originally applied for Vice President because it was one of the few positions that wasn’t already earmarked for somebody else… but basically, I got an email a few days later saying “So… this guy is also running for VP & he’s been with the guild from the beginning… and is a semi-pro brewer so… how about we just make a position for you instead?” Yeah, they basically just made a position for me (Communications Chair) because even though I’m new to the world of brewing in general, I have that marketing degree & a can do attitude. My duties are I think primarily handling a lot of the email & social media communications for the guild… working with all the other leadership members & all the breweries that we work with (and there are a LOT & more on the way honestly) and whatever else I can do in support. I may even be taking lead on a few upcoming events… but we shall see with the details later. I’ll keep you posted.

So yeah, Izzy, Jackie D & I went, we had our “elections” last night, everybody was elected (as they ran unopposed) & now we start setting things up for the next year. Some highlights in the coming year:

• LOTS of Homebrew competitions

• Beer Judge Certification Program classes & training

• Collaborations with professional brewers

• Participation in some great festivals

• Brewery Tours

• Charity Events

• LOTS of sharing Homebrews

• Hosting an SF Beer Week 2015 event

• Anything else we come up with along the way

It should be pretty intense, but as I said, I’ll keep you posted. As for our next batch… and what would be our first to be kegged & placed in the kegerator… I think that we’ve decided on doing a ChocoNut Stout. What’s that? Chocolate & Coconut Stout… or maybe adjust it to a Porter. We’ve also got a few ideas involving everything from a jalapeno pale ale to a Scotch barrel aged Scotch ale… so you’ll just have to read to find out. In the meantime, here is some news from some old staples… since I’ve been slacking in that department the past few months…

Colbert Update - It's official. The CBS Television Network has announced that fellow great Steve and host of "The Colbert Report" Stephen Colbert will succeed David Letterman as the host of "The Late Show" effective when Mr. Letterman retires from the broadcast. CBS and Colbert have come to a five-year agreement with the premiere date of Colbert's show to be announced after Lettermen determines a timetable for his final broadcasts in 2015. Specific creative elements, including producers and location, will be determined and announced at a later date. CBS' Leslie Moonves says: "Stephen Colbert is one of the most inventive and respected forces on television. David Letterman's legacy and accomplishments are an incredible source of pride for all of us here, and today's announcement speaks to our commitment of upholding what he established for CBS in late night." Congrats!!!

Fox Update - Megan Fox has long claimed to be a self-described “nerd” but has unexpectedly upped the ante when it comes to her fan-girl obsession with her role in the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “I was really in love with them,” confesses Fox, who stars as reporter April O’Neil in the live-action reboot of the ‘80s cartoon which hits theaters August 8. “I have an older sister that’s 12 years older than me, so part of it initially was because I wanted to be like my big sister. But, it’s a really cool project for me because it was a huge part of my childhood, and it’s always been.” Her die-hard love of the characters – she even made husband Brian Austin Green watch the cheesy Turtle movies with her when they were dating – eliminated any hesitation about her decision to sign up for the film executive produced by… sigh… Michael Bay. “He was one of the most lovely people that I dealt with in making this movie,” says Fox of the Transformers director, with whom she had once publicly feuded. “I’ve always loved Michael. We’ve had our battles in the past but even when I’ve been really outspoken about difficulties we’ve had, I’ve always followed up by saying that I have a particular affinity to him. He can be very vulnerable, and he’s very likeable and loveable. I’ve always been very vocal about that as well. But, sometimes we clash because we both have very willful, powerful personalities.” Whatever. Bay and director Jonathan Liebesman had an edgy vision for the film that included a dramatic makeover for the four mutant turtles, now animated in CG. There are also plenty of dramatic action sequences and a few surprising contemporary details such as a complete makeover of Fox’s character, April. All of which, for the record, suit Fox just fine. Here it comes…

Fox: “She’s more of a leader when she explores her relationship with the turtles instead of just the human companion that gets dragged along on the adventure. It’s more representative of a modern woman.” Fox’s April also swaps her trademark yellow jumpsuit for a yellow leather jacket and skinny jeans but “I’m completely clothed for the entire movie,” says Fox, noting that may disappoint some fans… and she’s right. “There’s no gratuitous skin or sexual anything. Jonathan was really insistent on not wanting her to be sexualized or to take that sort of typical role we’ve seen women take in movies thus far, and that I’ve taken in particular.” Really? Megan Fox is in your movie… and you don’t want to sexualize her? I don’t think you really have a choice… but don’t expect Fox to trade hot pants for head-to-toe gear from here on out. “I don’t really mind,” says Fox of her trademark pin-up appeal. “It’s actually a large part of my personality. I think you can be that and you can also be intelligent and strong. I don’t think they’re in opposition to one another – at least in my life.” And that life now includes her two sons with Green, 15-month-old Noah and new arrival Bodhi Ransom (UGH!!!!!!!!! STUPID BABY NAME UPDATE!!!). Being a mother, says Fox, definitely influences the types of film she takes on. “I had just had Noah when I started taking meetings to see if this would work out for me,” explains Fox. “How cool is it to have a mom that plays either a superhero or plays the part of this iconic franchise that spans so many generations? I mean, hopefully they’ll both think I’m cool.” With cartoon reboots Transformers and Turtles behind her, Fox says she’s looking forward to future projects. A third cartoon remake of her choice? “Gundam Wing,” responds Fox, adding she’d love to see a Jurassic Park remake in the works. “Pacific Rim was sort of a Gundam Wing situation, but they should do it. What about Thundercats?” Or maybe, she says, Sailor Moon.“That could feasibly be made into a live action movie,” mulls Fox. “I don’t know how many Americans were into that. I was into that, but I don’t know how huge it was here. That’s not actually a bad idea.” Yup… no need for Wonder Woman when it’s more likely that a Thundercats movie will be made, right?

Anyway, hopefully you liked a little dip back into some of my running updates… stay tuned… there may be some more Panda, Bacon, Batman, or Apocalypse updates in the near future… in the meantime, I’m going to try to drink away the memory of Megan Fox & BAG having a child together named Bodhi Ransom Green or whatever… f**kin’ serious? Have a great day everybody!!!

The Mouse That RAWWWWRED!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

NFL’s version of Christmas came this past week as well… I can’t believe I didn’t even mention it. Obviously it’s far too busy & complex to chat about like the NBA’s Christmas (coming in a few months) but the Eagles did a lot better than I kind of expected. All the expert mock drafters had them doing something stupid like getting yet another quarterback (luckily the Jets took all that heat) with the 4^th overall pick & they actually picked somebody that I hoped they would in offensive tackle Lane Johnson from Oklahoma. Big dude, great athlete, let’s hope he stays health. Then they picked up Stanford tight end Zach Ertz to help out with their quick, nimble offense, then an LSU lineman in the 3^rd round, and then… they picked up USC quarterback Matt Barkley. Now… for a 4^th round draft pick, you really can’t hate on that… but you already have so many at that position. Hopefully he pans out well. Oh… they also picked up a U of U lineman Joe Kruger (brother of former Ravens lineman Paul Kruger) so yeah, they actually did a good draft. Yay!!! Niners did pretty good too. In fact, I’d say that most teams addressed their needs… at least sorta.

 

The NBA playoffs are kicking up too… Spurs just swept the Lakers… Warriors are on the verge of meeting them in the next round… the Heat are continuing their ways… I’m sure that somebody somewhere is watching the Hawks & Pacers with any kind of genuine intrigue… ugh… SPORTS!!!

 

Oh… and let’s not forget movies…

 

First up is “For a Good Time, Call…” which I was recommended a while back by Bubbles who saw it in theatres. Basically the story is about a girl in her twenties who is having trouble finding a job, breaks up with her boyfriend (he dumped her ass), and while looking for a new apartment in Manhattan is set up by her GBF (Justin Long) with a friend of a friend who puked all over her one night after a kegger. Obviously once that happens you can never be friends with that person ever again… if you’re a chick. Anyway, semi-odd couple live passive-aggressively until the goodie-goodie finds out that the other is running a phone sex line out of her room. Well, she needs money, so she offers to help manage it… and then gets sucked into it… and calamity ensues. I assume that the ladies might find it hilarious… and I’ll admit that it had maybe two moments where I thought it was funny… but yeah, nothing too spectacular.

 

Next is “Wreck It Ralph” starring voice talents like John C Reilly, Sarah Silverman, Jane Lynch & Adam Lakers Carolla in a computer-animated story about the life of video games. Wreck It Ralph is a villain in his game… but he doesn’t want to be a villain anymore. He wants to win a medal & get some respect. So he ventures into another video game, which is a big no-no… and shenanigans ensue. As you would expect from Pixar & Dreamworks and all those movies, they have the formula down, make great kids flicks that adults can also enjoy… so I say go see this one as well. It’s funny, well done & appeals to the kid in all of us. Now if only I could get a few bucks from Dreamworks for that stirring review…

 

Next up was one that Izzy suggested from 1959 called “The Mouse That Roared” starring Peter Sellers. The small principality of Grand Fenwick is having a financial crisis thanks to Napa Valley taking away their primary export of a certain kind of wine. This plunges the small nation into desperate measures. How will they overcome? By declaring war on the United States. History has shown that once the U.S. wins a war with a country, they then nurse that country back to health (see German, Japan, our financial crisis, etc). So their plan is to send over a small band of incompetent soldiers to declare war… but then in a freak accident, they manage to obtain the ultimate weapon… the legendary Q-Bomb, as well as it’s inventor & lovely daughter. Now what to do? It’s actually a pretty cute little comedy flick from a bygone era. I highly recommend it.

Last up is “This is 40” starring Paul Rudd as director Judd Apatow & the rest of Judd’s family (actress Kelly Mann & his two daughters) basically about a married couple where both adults are reaching that dreaded age of 40. Throw in some money troubles & you’ve got a story line… but there are a lot of great comedy that I enjoyed & some fantastic cameos from the likes of Jason Segal, Albert Brooks, John Lithgow and even… Megan Fox. Yes, she’s still alive & working even after starting her own family. Fun Fact: I’ve been so out of the game that I pulled a “That chick on the ladder looks a lot like Megan Fox…” while watching. Anyway, great little comedy… and because it’s Judd Apatow it’s well over two hours but hey, you just might enjoy it. I’d say check it out… and I’ve got at least 8 more years until I need to worry about this stuff.

 

As for this next week, business as usual... but I did find out that a few of my roommates are thinking about moving out in the next few months so that should be interesting. We have all been here for almost two full years now so it's probably about time that we've all moved on... but I'm good for the next little while so I'm planning on sticking around. We shall see how it all pans out. Have a great week everybody!!!

The Quest for Unobtainium

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Sorry I haven't been keeping y'all posted this past week... I know you're ALWAYS enthralled with how the great Dr Mookie Love is spending his Valentine's Day regardless of the time of year... but especially when you're preparing your own activities. Guys are always asking me stuff like "$teve, how do I make my girl's muffin melt?" or "Dude, why is my girl always asking about you? Why you gotta be so fly all the time?" Ladies usually just speak to me in moans, hums & f**k me eyes... but I know that I have a duty to communicate this information to you on a regular basis. However, this week was EXTREMELY busy at work for me personally & overall... so by the time I get home, when I do have a free moment, I don't wanna think & articulate my thoughts. Some people out there are lucky to get text messages... but I hold myself to a high standard with this thing... so my apologies. Let's see... what happened?

Monday, nothing much... worked all day, came home, caught up on some sleep. Tuesday was Valentine's Day though... and I got some company from Dizzy. She had never seen the Trey Parker classics of "Cannibal! The Musical" and "Orgazmo" so we watched those. The thing is... with Dizzy, I'm not really looking for a romantic relationship... I'm looking for more of a friendship. You know, someone where we can go do things, go on adventures, hang out, keep it casual... but I'm afraid she wants more of the holding hands, cuddling, romance, that kind of thing. I blame myself. No, not for my actions or anything as I've been keeping it very friendly & casual... but I blame myself because... as I mentioned earlier, I'm just so irresistable apparently. Okay, that last part may not be true... but yeah, it's an awkward situation that I plan on explaining before too long... so hopefully neither of us get too twisted about it. Sigh... anyway, that was my Valentine's Day.

Wednesday, I found out that Jackie D & C-Real (from the Vegas Adventure in November) may be coming to visit me very soon thanks to recent airline sales. They're saying in April sometimes... but we shall see. Nothing definite. I also watched season one of "Frisky Dingo" with my roommate Batgirl. She had never seen it... but loved "Archer" so it was a natural fit (being a Batman fan & all). Oh... and if you don't remember, "Frisky Dingo" is about a spoiled brat version of Bruce Wayne and the hilarious & kooky adventures that he gets into with his bumbling arch nemesis Killface. Check it out. Boosh!

Thursday, I went to my first Zumba class at the Y... and let me tell you that I may be attending these classes more often. Apparently... Zumba is where big firm booties & tig bitties go to shake it in a sweaty dancing workout... and daddy like. Now, of course, I have to work a little more on my rhythm as apparently the past few years my hips have forgotten how to salsa & meringue through lack of use... but yeah, really enjoyed the class & I think I did pretty well for a first time. Everybody warned me that I would be gasping for air by the end of it... and I was perfectly fine stamina wise. I even went & worked out some more after the hour class. So there... the stamina is coming back in a major way. Watch out ladies...

Friday, I wasn't feeling too hot thanks to the exhausting work week so I called it a night and watched "The Rum Diary" starring Johnny Depp, Aaron Eckhart, Richard Jenkins & Amber Heard. Based on the legendary Hunter S. Thompson novel, it's the story of a journalist (Depp) who is hired by a dying newspaper in San Juan, Puerto Rico in 1960. While there, he gets involved in a little land conspiracy with a real estate tycoon (Eckhart) and has a major crush on his nemesis' girlfriend (Heard) while trying to help his editor (Jenkins) keep the paper afloat... oh and of course he has a bit of a drinking problem... and finds other drugs along the way. To be honest, the scenery of Puerto Rico was beautiful... as was Amber Heard... but the movie didn't really grip me as I thought it might. I was honestly expecting "Fear & Loathing in San Juan" but it was more... I don't know, preachy about how the white man comes in and destroys everything beautiful in the name of money... which may be true & let's face it, based on Hunter's work, what else should I really expect? So yeah... pretty good movie but not thoroughly thrilling. Check it out if you'd like but not a must see.

Saturday morning, I went to Dynamo Donuts because I had a hankering for some exotic donuts... including the mythical Bacon Maple Apple donuts that they had there. Other varieties include Lemon Pistachio, Dark Cholocate Anise, Cornmeal Rosemary Cherry & even a special winter ale variety. So... I basically got a dozen donuts (Pixie wanted three) and sadly have been noshing on them since... down to about 3-4 left as sad as that is... but they are so delicious... and you know, they're basically destroyed after two days or so anyway. I highly recommend that you go try these donuts. Warning: They are about $3 a pop & I think you get about 300 calories per dollar... but f**k it, they're delicious & you can always just push yourself harder at the gym if you feel badly about it. That's how I do it... and as you can see, the results speak for themselves. Ha...

During the day, I was flipping through the channels after the sun had gone down... and I decided to watch one of the worst movies that I never even finished... and it's "The Core" starring Aaron Eckhart, Hilary Swank, Delroy Lindo, Stan Tucci, Richard Jenkins & the world's greatest actor... DJ QUALLS!!! Okay, I watched this movie when it first came out a few years back... and about half way through, they had completely lost me. Allow me to sum up the premise real quick: The Earth's magnetic field is in major flux. People's pacemakers are stopping, birds are going nuts & dozens of people are dying. What is the cause of it? The Earth's molten core which controls the magnetic field is slowing down & possibly going to stop which would have catastrophic results including seismic activity, UV ray meltdown of the surface, superstorms... basically everybody dies. Period. So how do we stop it? Simple. You get a crack team of people together to make a giant drill vehicle made of Unobtainium (yes, like Avator or some 1950's B-movie) to drill down into the Earth's core at about 100 MPH, while there set off a giant nuclear bomb to "jump start" the core, and then allegedly make it out of there before the explosion destroys the ship. Now... okay, I get it. You're trying to do "Armegeddon" meets "Journey to the Center of the Earth" or some sh*t... but if you manage to lose me on a scientific basis... well, here are a few text quotes to C-Real while we were chatting (because I watched the movie alone)... Possible spoiler alerts... but I wouldn't recommend you waste over two hours of your life on this movie...

"Okay, this movie just started off with a guy in his 30's or 40's randomly dying about to start a presentation... and I think I remember it being because of a pacemakers stopping. Overdose a few years back? Also, about 20 people in a block radius did the same thing, all apparently driving trucks. Does EVERYBODY have a f**king pacemaker?"

"Okay... they just had birds going nuts in London going all Hitchcock... but I swear I just saw a few fish thrown at the windows. I rewound to confirm. Pretty sure those are fish. If this movie is purposely trying to be bad, they're not doing a good job. If this movie is purposely trying to be serious, they're not doing a good job."

"Oh sh*t, I forgot the name of the material the ship is made out of was Unobtainium. What is this? Avatar? Plan 9 from Outer Space?"

"DJ QUALLS IS IN THE BUILDING!!!"

"Really? Whales are following the ship? Because whales are first off, that plentiful... secondly, they always descend to the bottom of the Miriana Trench... that's a scientific fact, right?"

"So let me get this straight... the drill that can dig through the Earth at 100 MPH has one weakness... and it's when there's NOTHING for it to drill? Why? Wouldn't that help?"

"Reality check: If you're drilling into Earth at an incredible rate at the bottom of the Miriana Trench... wouldn't the ocean water follow behind you a bit... until some of the liquid hot magma you've also gone through interfered... and it the incredibly surmountable pressure that causes diamonds & giant geodes to form? Yeah, apparently you're standing in it now as you try to fix your drill." By the way, I think this is where I stopped watching it before...

"Oh Jesus! What? Break the giant nuke into five pieces & set them off with complete millisecond accuracy... on the fly... then outrun the explosion in your already physically impossible vessel? Did you realize that it took you three full days at 100 MPH to get there in the first place? Forgetting that you don't have five separate bombs to my knowledge. Pretty sure you just had one... and if there's anything that Bond flicks have taught me, nuclear weapons are pretty complex machines that only a handful of scientists in the world can mess with."

"Sooooooo... Stuuuuuuu... Piiiiiiiii... Duuuuuuh...."

C-Real: "Lol. They insulting your intelligence again?" Me: "They haven't stopped... and I was raised on Back to the Future, Ghostbusters & Transformers. Do you have ANY idea what that takes?"

"Oh Jesus! It's getting even worse. Exciting chase music as they ride the wave of the explosion 22 hours back to the surface the exact way they came, then they throw in somethin saying 16 Hours Later... then back to the exciting chase music... Sigh... How? HOW??? Who made this f**king thing?" Answer: Director Jon Amiel who oddly enough also did "Entrapment", "Copycat" & "The Man Who Knew Too Little."

"Also, don't want to be THAT guy... but they haven't eaten or drank anything in over a week... while in a lead box in 9000 degree magma... sorry, Unobtainium."

C-Real: "These types of movies are NOT for you. They upset the bounds of your bullsh*t tolerance."

"When Journey to the Center of the Earth is more realisitic & entertaining, then yes. Also, Hilary Swank isn't distracting my logic like Megan Fox does in the Transformer movies."

After that, I watched a few episodes of "An Idiot Abroad: The Bucket List" which is a fantastic show, check it out. Anyway, that's my week. Aren't you glad that I shared it with you now? In summation, V-Day was usual... but could've been worse. Don't watch "The Core" ever... unless you want to do a drinking game or something. Less than two weeks until Disneyland with the family. Can't wait. Have a great day everybody!!! Happy President's Day!!! (I'll be working hard as usual on Monday...)

2011 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again… time to hand out the world’s most prestigious awards. Forget the Academy Awards, the Nobel Prize, the Medal of Honor, all those other cheap trinkets out there… tonight, we celebrate the past 12 months with…

The 2011 $tevies

So as you know, about five years ago, I stumbled upon this stupid questionnaire back when MySpace was relevant & have been doing it ever since… but it’s a good little template for self-reflection… and reflection on the year that was 2011. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve also added links so that you can go “back into time” and witness some of these events if you would like. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Aside from that though, I’m being extremely lazy this year… and I’m not even going to present my own awards. That’s right, I run this b**ch… and I’ve decided to ask some of my friends to help me out. More like tell them that they’re going to help with absolutely no explicit written or implied verbal consent of using their likenesses or caricatures. Allow me to introduce & turn the festivities over to our host for the evening… Mr. Adam West…

“Good evening. I’m… not exactly sure why I’m here. (laughter from the crowd) No, I’m serious. I have no idea who this $teve guy is. We met at a convention a few months back allegedly, he gave me a call & asked me to host an awards show. He went on & on about how he loved my work with the old Batman TV series & Family Guy… but is this a TV awards show or something? And why am I dressed up in this outfit? Doesn’t he realize that was nearly a half century ago? Get with the times, man. Anyway, apparently all of the presenters know why they’re here… and apparently I almost lost this gig to Robocop… so without further ado, ladies & gentlemen, allow to introduce our first presenter… Miss Megan Fox… grrrrrrrrrrrrrr…”

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: “I know that you’re probably expecting Lindsay Lohan to present this award… but she’s no longer on speaking terms with $teve. So instead, I will be stepping in to present… as whenever Brian & I need suggestions on how to keep the spice alive in our relationship, Dr Love is always willing to prescribe. This year’s award offers some stiff competition. I mean stiffer than I made most of the planet when I checked under the hood in Transformers but completely misdiagnose the type of engine that I was looking at. Seriously, if you weren’t staring at my tits & waist, you would’ve caught that… but our script supervisor didn’t. Did we even have one of those on that movie? Anyway, this year’s nominees for drinking buddy of the year are… the 4-time reigning champion & Vegas odds favorite Bubbles for her roles in EPIC Jew Night, Brunches, & Random Rendezvouses (hold for applause during scenes of bottomless mimosas); Jackie D for her roles in EPIC Jew Night, Six Weeks of Cohabitation, LA Road Trip, Shots Across America & Vegas Birthday Bash (role scenes of Jackie D beating the beat up to roaring ovations); and The Wingman of his roles in Vegas Winter Getaway & Mayan Riviera Cruise (clanks clamor from the audience as wrist bling strikes raised chalices to a flurry of “Woot WOOT!!!”). All worthy nominees indeed… but as the Scottish poet Duncan McLeod once said, ‘There can only be one’ and that one is… (turns around to shake her bottom with the accompanying drum roll, continuing as she slowly turns around to read the card) come on, you knew as soon as I stepped out here that it was going to be Bubbles! Congratulations!”

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): Now for our next presenter… Mr. Timothy Tebow. “Good evening ladies & gentlemen, thank you for having me here. It is such a great honor to be here presenting awards for my good friend $teve. I know our own friendship has been tested over the years when I decided to play for the Florida Gators & then drafted by the Denver Donkeys, but it’s not about where you are, but who you are… and $teve & I have always believed that, though our travels have taken us all over the world & back again. The Lifetime Service Award is a particularly distinct honor to present because of those principles… and my own lifetime service to my best friend, my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. We all may take ridicule for the friends that we keep, whether it’s from parents, other friends, TV critics, bosses, and maybe even your own self-doubts. What’s important is that there’s the underlying Love that helps you through the tough times… and keeps your bond strong… and that as you walk through life, you know that they will be there for you in your time of need… as you will do whatever it takes for them. It is with that in mind that I present to this award to Isaiah, $teve’s friend since the 2nd grade… and 49ers fan who is pleased as punch that his friend lives in San Francisco so that he can get some good tickets for when the Broncos come into town to come from behind in the 4th quarter & eek out a victory in overtime as is God’s will. Congratulations Isaiah! Thank you and praise Christ!” SPREECH!!! (Fun fact: “Spreech” is a word popularized during the Vegas trip last month that is a combination of “Speak!” and “Preach!” with a dose of “Amen!” to form into a super exclamatory “SPREECH!!!”)

NEWCOMER AWARD: To present this award, please welcome Mr. Don Knotts. “Why hello there everybody! It’s been a long time since I was in front of a crowd like this. Some say it’s because I haven’t had a hit show since I was Mr Furley on Three’s Company. Others say it’s because my expert comic timing is lost on today’s youth & all they want are dick & fart jokes. Still others say its because I’ve been literally dead for over five years now. Regardless, this next award isn’t about me… or $teve’s love for my whackadoo films… but rather who has recently come into his life for the prestigious Newcomer Award. Why would he ask me to do this? Probably because a lot of the nominees are ladies that he’s lived with over the past year… and it’s apparently too soon to have John Ritter’s ghost out here. Without further ado, the nominees are… his stunning current & former roommates Jackie D, Carmen, Nurse, Pixie & Batgirl (her name changed cuz I forgot what it was before)… and just to include a gentleman… his neighbor J-Mo. And the award goes to… Jackie D!!! What’s that? She’s joining us via satellite? What does that even MEAN? Whooooa… this new technology is crazy. I’m going back to Heaven with Suzanne Sommers’ career…”

“WHAAT??? DUDE! I was gonna be all hurt that you didn’t give me that drinking buddy award… because seriously? Come on. But that was before I knew this one was coming up! Thanks homey! MAKEIT MAKEIT RAIN RAIN… it was great being your roommate & I’m glad we can still chat and whatever even though I’m living in Philly… having to go to the Jersey Shore to have fun. WHAT? That sh*t cra… but I’m looking forward to future adventures & road trips & the like. I gotta get my passport so that we can hit up Amsterdam! Also, I’ve apparently gotta step my Game up so that I can get the drinking buddy thing next year. Make it LE-GIT!!! And if I don’t get it… then you can kiss my a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ STOP!!! Now make that mutha f**ka Hammertime!!! OOH OOOOOH OOH OOOOOH!!!”

SONG FOR 2011: Thank you for those stirring words, Miss D… and now, ladies & gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the true king of hip hop, Mr. Jay-Z. “Big ups to Brooklyn, what? Haha! You crazy for this one, $teve. Asking me to come on up here & present because you’re tired of giving me all these awards. Every time I drop an album it always makes its way here… but you’re trying to show some Love for other artists out there… and I feel that. WATCH THE THRONE!!! That’s why I put my hand to my heart… it means that I feel ya… cuz Game recognize Game & you lookin’ familiar. This year’s award goes to Foster the People for their song “Pumped Up Kicks” which talks about serious issues of teenage angst in such a way that you can’t even understand the verse because it’s so scratchy & sang into a coffee can… but then the hook comes around & you don’t even realize what you’re singing until it’s too late. You gotta love it. It’s a thuggish ride-or-die song hidden behind a catchy cheery backdrop. I been singing about these foolish children out in the streets needing to recognize my heat for years… but you don’t see politicians trying to bring down these popsters, now do ya? That sh*t cra… Congratulations to all of our winners, afterparty at 40-40 the Sinner’s Dinner, and to all you haters out there trying to play with Jigga, you only get half a bar – F**k yall n**gas!!!” (drops mic & walks away)

MOVIE FOR 2011: H’whoa! That sh*t was tight, Jigga man! Haha! That reminds me of when I was answering the Riddler to help save Gotham from a giant question mark falling from space. I’m still not sure how he was able to do that but… there’s a lot I don’t understand about movies… but to help us is our next presenter, Mr. Quentin Tarantino. “Ok’y ok’y ok’y, so my buddy $teve & I are hanging out watching movies one day… and he asks me to do this presenting thing about what HE thought… was the best movie of 2011. True true, I didn’t have anything to throw into the mix this year because… well, you know how us geniuses are, he said with all humility. Next year though, I’m gonna rob these f**king awards shows BLIND with Django… but I digress, I’m switching to the next reel when I haven’t even start this one. Frankly I just going to say it. I didn’t care for this year’s batch as much as years past… but there’s an added element because I’m basically going off what my man $teve has seen. See, he waits for the Netflix unless it’s an absolute must see for him or usually somebody else who wants to go with somebody. He hasn’t seen these highly toughted movies like Drive or Hugo or a lot of these f**king sequels like Harry Potter or X-Men because… well, he just hasn’t. He hasn’t even seen the Muppets and he LOVES those guys. He was really excited for the Planet of the Apes one too… but yeah, hasn’t seen a lot of them… but Drive sounded like his kinda sh*t being named after Steve McQueen & all... but it ended up being pretty slow. However, this year’s winner… is ‘The Fighter’ starring Marky Mark & Christian Bale about the true life story of Micky Ward & his brother… as well as the bond of family, and an underdog story in every sense of the term. I know he couldn’t stand those Boston accents though. Probably drove him up the wall. Next year’s gonna be tough though, $teve! You’re going to have to pick between my movie… and Batman. There can only be one of us… and we usually sweep these things… I hope you’re up to making a tough choice. I mean hell… this year’s winner had Batman in it. You may have a problem… but I understand since you haven’t seen a lot of ‘em yet. Just remember, I have Sam Jackson on speed dial.”

VIDEO GAME FOR 2011: Thank you Quentin, but Mr. Jackson is actually our next presenter. Welcome to the show! “(struts to the stage) Good evening ladies & gentlemen. This evening we have heard from distinguished members of society, stars & stage & screen… and the ghost of Barney Fife. So it is with great honor that I present the winner for… seriously, what the f**k is this? Does anybody really give a damn what you thought was the best video game of the last 12 months? Or EVER? F**K YO MUTHA F**KIN’ VIDEO GAMES!!! You think Life is a game? Tell ‘em Earl Simmons…”

“It is NOT a F**KING GAME!!! ARR ARR!!!”

TV SHOW FOR 2011: I honestly couldn’t have said it better myself. Ladies & gentlemen, television star Peter Dinklage. “Good evening again, ladies & gentlemen. I’m here on behalf of the HBO series ‘Game of Thrones’ to take this award back to the studios. Not because we’ve necessarily won it… but because I’m just going to f**king take it… and there’s not a damn thing that any of the other shows can do to stop me. I don’t see the gang from Sunny in Philadelphia coming to take it from me! Nor the cowardly serial killers from Showtime or any of those comedians with their own shows. I WISH that Whitney would show her face around here. I would smack the smug right off her face. Nobody watches your show. No matter how much they try to jam it into our eyeballs. The mere glimpse of you makes my bowels wretch with disgust. So I am taking this trophy back to my estate… and yes, on my little horse… and if you have any problem with that, then you can take it up with my friend Khal Drogo, whose basically what Conan the Barbarian should have been. Ta-ta…”

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: Oh-ho! Well, there you have it! Now to present our next award, movie star Mike Myers. “(Silence, with the exception of a faint background chiming of infamous horror music)” Well, it seems that Mr. Myers has a little bit of stage fright. I thought that we were getting the guy from Austin Powers but… oh well, would you mind if I were to present this award? “(Silence)” Thank you! This year’s costume goes to… Waldo!!! Thankfully also a man of few words...

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Next, please welcome to the stage, Ms. Jenna Jameson. “Hi everybody, I have no idea why I’m up here to present the award for Restaurant of the Year… but I’ll bet it’s because I have a buffet of goodies… and this year’s winner is… Wicked Spoon Buffet at the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas. I’ve eaten there during the Adult Expo. Great selection… and the food isn’t bad either. Two cocks up! WAY up! And besides… who doesn’t like a little naughty spoon action when they’ve been a bad girl?”

BOOK OF THE YEAR: Giggidy! (clear throat) Thank you Ms. Jameson. Next up, we have the actual author of Pimpology: The 48 Laws of the Game, Mr. Pimpin’ Ken!!! “Good even’n pimps & b**ches. I’m glad that my words could reach such a rising young playa like Dr Love. You see… the Game is to be sold, not told… and I wanna give a special shout-out to The Wingman for purchasing these nuggets of knowledge for my man to not only read, but take to heart. Now, some y’all haters out there talkin’ sh*t like… Why come I can’t write a book? That n**ga Ken don’t know what he rappin’ about. That boy soft on his b**ches. Well let me tell you somethin’ mutha f**ka! This is how Pimpin’ Ken roll… mo’ b**ches than a train & I makeit makeit rain rain… (throws handfuls of Benjamins into the crowd) Skee skee skee mutha f**kas!!! Buy the book!!!”

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: Thank you… and now our last presenters, the former star of Crossing Over / alleged psychic John Edwards & star of Ghost Adventures, paranormal investigator Zach Bagans. “Good evening!” “Good evening!” “Zach, I saw this coming… you know, that we’d be on stage tonight… but I was hoping that you could fill the rest of us in on what award we were presenting.” “Well John, I’m not sure why… but luckily I have my buddies here with cameras to find out… oh and there’s a letter here on the podium. Let’s see. T-t-t t-heee… t-heee… what’s this word?” “The.” “Really? Weird.” “Here, I’ve got it… the award for biggest do… douchebag? For the last time, I’m not a douche!!! I can talk to dead people, okay? F**k you guys!” “Ah, that sucks! You got the douchebag award?” “Hahaha, you got it too!” “What? Why?” “I don’t know… let’s read the teleprompter. You wanna take this one?” “Yeah but… you go first. I gotta… check my batteries in my digital recorder.” “Alright then, John Edwards is just a douche because he uses the methods of hot & cold reading to convince people that he can talk to dead people & makes money from it. Though you can’t hate him for trying to make a dollar, he’s still a douche to the nth degree. Oh come on!” “What does it say about me?” “Zach Bagans hosts a decent show with a decent idea of searching for scientific evidence of spirits & contact with the ‘other side’ but unfortunately… the host is a total douche & its difficult to watch the show and listen to him speak… constantly & stupidly… and still thinks he’s hot sh*t in a champagne glass when he’s cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup. Yeesh!” “Oh man, that’s cold. I’m getting hairs standing on the back of my neck.” “Wait, there’s more… Great show though sometimes you have to REALLY try to fill the full hour… all I’m saying is let somebody else talk who knows what they’re talking about or at least kind of funny. Congratulations, Zach!” “Congratulations, John.”

Congratulations, douches! Now we’ve reached the point of the show where we welcome out to the stage, the guest of honor… for a little reflection on this past year… and looking forward to 2012. Ladies & gentlemen, please welcome… the Man… the Myth… the Manotaur… Dr Mookie Love… aka $teve!!! (Roaring applause, fireworks, panties flock to the stage)

“Thank you! Thank you so much for coming out! Can I get a woot woot for our fantastic presenters? (Hold for applause) They were great. They truly went above & beyond what I paid them… which is in the mail. Well, thank you all for yet another great year. 2011 was a monumental year, I think for all of us. We saw major changes & power shifts in the Middle East, the passings of some of international douches from Bin Ladin to Gadhafi… and everybody’s favorite little dictator Kim Jong Il. We’ve lost good friends, made new ones, highs & lows all around, new experiences, both good & bad, and so I figured that I would just take over a few of these awards because… seriously, who else is going to answer some of these? For example…”

BEST RELATIONSHIP: Hmm… let’s see, who was my best romantic relationship with this year? Yeah… obviously not a whole lot to talk and/or brag about on this one… so your mom works. It was definitely the best for her.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: Well, on official Valentine’s Day, I watched “Mortal Kombat” with Jackie D & had a few beers… but the weekend before was EPIC Jew Night with Jackie D, Carmen & Bubbles as well as a bunch of drinks at the Tipsy Pig & the Cellar. Not a bad time at all… a lot better than the previous year when I almost had to beat down some disrespectful teenagers in Old Sac. I’d much rather be getting crunk with a bunch of sexy ladies.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Moving to San Francisco! You may have noticed… but I really like it here. Granted, I liked it in Tahoe too… except for maybe the abundance of snow (which I apparently wouldn’t be burdened with right now) but there’s just so much to see & do here… and so many fantastic people that I meet… and I’m actually able to make a little money to save or use on vacations… and I still have the perks of living in a national park… with great roommates… and a great job… and I’m close to one of my best friends Bubbles… and honestly I could probably do without Gretchen… but I’m glad that she’s around… and there’s so many festivals, concerts, museums, sporting events, basketball leagues, softball leagues, different neighborhoods to explore, great restaurants, the ocean, and places like Tahoe, Monterey, Yosemite, Big Sur, Reno, Half Moon Bay, San Jose, even Oakland… they’re all nearby to be explored still too.

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: For 2012, I’m planning on getting out there more & meeting new people… and for God’s sake maybe go on a date or two. Seriously, it dawned on me just now… that I haven’t really been on a date since Tahoe. Well… you can kind of count my roommate Nurse going to dinner with me on my 30th birthday… or her date that I was on when we went to Sharktoberfest… but yeah, nothing really of an even semi-romantic intent in nature for quite some time. Why? Ladies love me… and I love the ladies. So that’s at the top of the list. I’ll elaborate a little more on this with the Resolutions…

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Okay, so upon further review… on St Patrick’s Day, I apparently DID spill a pint of ale all over Bubbles. This was confirmed by J-Mo… and that guy was dead sober the whole time. What was the idea associated with it? Well, apparently A) it was my idea to have one more round before we left the Final Final, and then B) it was my idea to hand my beverage to Bubbles… or set it down next to her or something… I don’t know, apparently I was already halfway to the bar to get the round… and that’s when we all left. Yeah… blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol, baby.

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: Well once again, I guess it would have to be the zip code. What is this the 3rd or 4th year in a row? First Denver, then back to SLC, then Tahoe, then to here… but hopefully I can stick around here in the Bay for a while. Like I said before, I like it here. Let’s see, what else has changed… the altitude, the humidity, the roommates, the weather, the smell of eucalyptus as opposed to pine, the lack of parking, all relatively small but make up for this new land of adventure.

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: I’d have to say that the high point of the year was my 30th birthday getaway last April / May. Two weeks away from work (that I’m still feeling the unworthy brunt of from fellow coworkers, but f**k ‘em in the ear) and spending it with loved ones like my mom, grandmama, stepdad, the Wingmans & Filly… in some of my most loved places like New Orleans and… a boat that takes me around the world. Beautiful sights, fantastic beverages (seriously, cashew wine, where do I get this stuff?), amazing adventures, good times all around. There’s a rumor going around that the next trip may be either a South American cruise down towards the Panama Canal… or jetsetting over to Amsterdam… but we shall see. Easily the high point of 2011!!!

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Coming back to work / reality afterwards? Ha-ha! Thankfully there wasn’t a whole lot of low points this past year. My great-step-grandma passed recently… and that sucked… but she was well into her 90’s and had been suffering from Alzheimer’s & other ailments for years… so the real sad part was that my great-step-grandpa was a widower & I’m sure it’s been rough on him. Family & friends have had their health scares… let go from their jobs & finding employment elsewhere… and the worst I can think of off-hand is the thing on my cheek, which was nothing. All-in-all, not a bad year if that’s the worst of it.

BEST HOLIDAY: What can I say? This man loves Christmas. A month of Mariah Carey & Bing Crosby on the radio, Jimmy Stewart & Bill Murray on the TV, people smiling everywhere you go, shimmering lights, parties for really no reason other than to party, a week away from work to go home & see the family, a bunch of free sh*t that you’ll rarely use, what more could you ask for? The details of this year’s adventures are broken down here… but yeah, I heart Xmas.

REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS:

• Date Dammit! – I’ve got all this good lovin’ to give & nobody seems to want it… how could this be? My guess: Poor marketing on my part


• Learn Another Language – Spanish or Mandarin? Maybe both, but I’ve almost got enough saved up to finally get a laptop that’ll actually work so that I can do Rosetta Stone
  


• Up Mountain Dew – I’ve tried regulating it… but the answer may just be cold turkey, old friend. Gonna give up soda all together but obviously Dew & grape soda are the biggest culprits.


• Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I’ve been doing a lot better since getting the gym membership & joining the basketball and softball leagues, now if I could just eat better…


• Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though you’ve probably forgotten about me


• Use My Passport – Sorta used it on the cruise… but this b**ch needs stamps


• Write a Children’s Book – I think it’s time that I took a weekend, sat down, & really focused my efforts on making that children’s book with my brother that I’ve been thinking about for years. Also, maybe a few writing exercises so hopefully I can get some of that JK Rowlings / Stephanie Meyers money. Fellow great $teve, Stephen King would approve!


• Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – Work bugs me from time to time, parking tickets ruin my weekend, sport league lockouts make my blood boil… but you know what, I’m gonna be alright. Just live well & do your thing, dawg.


• Look for the Next Step – I like to think that I’ve been doing that… but in all honesty, it seems like I’ve just been going day by day… especially this last year. Too busy to look ahead most of the time. However, I’m 30 now. I need to really think about the future & making that next step into an actual career instead of hourly daily labor. Or find ways to get that mutha f**kin’ money… can you dig it?


• Survive the Apocalypse – Though San Francisco seems to be the epicenter of every disaster in movies from X-Men to Rise of the Planet of the Apes to Towering Inferno to The Birds to Mission: Impossible to whatever, I plan on surviving Mad Max style. Be prepared!
  

Anyway, it’s been another great year… thank you all for joining today’s ceremonies… and I wish you a happy & healthy 2012 and beyond. Have a great year everybody!!!

The Buried Life

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Such a fantastic weekend! Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? Friday, the work day was a busy one, like VERY busy, especially given the holiday weekend, and throw in that it was a short day… I was ready for a drink. So as advertised last time, I went to Harrington’s with some coworkers (all female, cuz that’s how I roll apparently) for a 3 PM happy hour… that lasted for a few bars on Polk Street as well… and I was pretty buzzed after about 7 hours… and it was barely dark outside. It was a great time getting to know my coworkers a bit… and it was kind of a birthday celebration for one of them. Around 11 though, I went home, drank some water, & was in bed by midnight. I rock hard!!!

Saturday morning, I woke up & decided to do some much needed music shopping at Best Buy. The mission was to get the new Jay-Z & Kanye West collaboration CD “Watch the Throne” (surprisingly mediocre, basically a lot of James Brown songs with a thicker bassline & a few lyrics but nothing groundbreaking) but I also stumbled upon some good $5 bin deals for greatest hits of both Journey AND Heart which I did not have in my collection (shocking, I know). Might I just say though… there’s an acoustic version of “Alone” on the Heart album, that basically brought a tear to my eye. Oh yes, I highly recommend that you add them to your fold. Oh… and I also got the new Richard Cheese CDs through the email too (“Live at the Royal Wedding” & “A Lounge Supreme”) and of course, they’re amazing.

After some grocery shopping, I got home & saw that my view from the backyard, which was overlooking a stank mudhole is no fast becoming an actual park. Allegedly with a baseball diamond & BMX track or something. That’s when I decided that I wanted to start fixingmy backyard up so that I could entertain back there… or at least not cringe at the thought of going through the sliding doors. I even went to far as to map it out & jot down a few ideas for when I asked the roommates if they wanted to chip in, since I’ll be DAMNED if I’m paying for everything. Little did I know how prophetic this would be later in the day… Anyway, my brother sent me a text wanting to play video games online, and I had nothing better to do so I played some “Golden Axe” (yes, old school Sega Genesis) with him, then went outside to chat with him where I could get a signal.

While out there, I got a call from my buddy Boz down the street & they were having an epic LAN Party BBQ, so I had found my entertainment for the night. It was amazing. I’m not much of a gamer like these guys… but this time, they had 4 screens & a full 16 players, a full barbecue with kegs, and they had actually fixed up their backyard similar to what I was plotting for earlier in the day. They had made a little garden area (we already have some calla lilies that nobody waters), placed woodchips on the ground and had a nice grill & patio furniture setup, complete with tiki torches to help light the area & a little grill / firepit in the middle for making s’mores. Totally awesome! Aside from all of that, the company was great, we got to beta test some new kick ass games that I believe will eventually be the ULTIMATE party game (but patent pending so… sorry) and it was just a great time all around… even if it was a bit of a sausage fest.

Sunday morning, I spent hanging out with Pixie & her friends, which is always a treat. We even briefly chatted about fixing the backyard… and she was totally down for it… but we’ll see when the budget numbers comes in. One of her friends is moving to Berlin (with her boyfriend) in a few days so she’s crashing at our place while moving things around. That’d be awesome to move to Germany I would think… but yeah, I’d hate to go solo. If I’m going to be a dumb American, I need someone to be dumb with. The best news of the day though… was that my dad is coming out to join me for the Utah – Cal football game at AT&T Park on October 22nd. It’s going to be amazing. Did I mention the 2nd row tickets? Because that’s kind of a big deal. It’ll be his first time out here since I moved in January but it’s really just for the weekend… so fly in Friday night, game Saturday, do something Saturday night, Sunday maybe watch football somewhere (possibly at my place with a newly fixed backyard setup), then I’ll more than likely have to work Monday because it’s just how it is, so he’ll have the day to himself to explore & then he’s flying out Monday night. Still, it’ll be great to see him… and the game will be amazing… even in rain. Knock on wood…

Sunday night was dinner at Carmen’s where we made our own pizzas… and that was a lot of fun… and again, I was the only guy rolling deep in women. We just had a great time catching up, planning the Vegas trip (they’re still tentative so I told them about the EPIC things that were going to happen… and the Grand Canyon is what sold ‘em the most), and just having a good relaxing time with good food & good peeps.

Monday was the day that I REALLY started looking into the backyard adjustments, like taking measurements and checking websites for some pricing & locations to get… well, everything. If I were in Utah, I’d be set because I have all the tools back there… but out here, I’ve got a pair of gloves & a few roadside tools. I also looked into getting TV again… because they have a lot of the promotions with the Sunday NFL Ticket with Direct TV… and rather than pay an incredible amount of money to get it on my PS3 (and still have to deal with slow internet) then I could get that (same price as first 8 months of TV) and the roommates would have it… and I could cancel Netflix… and we could share the financial load so it works out to $12-18 a person. We shall see. The first roommate I asked about it was more stuck on the cost of backyard fixing than TV that she wasn’t going to watch. Damn Hulu has made everything affordable anyway.

That night, I watched “I Love You Philip Morris” starring Jim Carrey & Ewan McGregor. Now, my brother had told me that this was a stupid movie… but he’s an incredible homophobe (imagine when he was visiting San Francisco a few weeks back). This true story is about a con man (Carrey) who goes to prison for fraud… but then finds the love of his life (McGregor). Basically it’s a twisted love story about two men in prison and how he’s willing to do anything to be with him including using his skills of manipulation & an ability to learn to do just about anything. It’s good old fashion Jim Carrey comedic timing too… so I highly recommend it if you can get the chance. Just for an example though, one of my favorite scenes… is when they’re dancing together & having a moment to their song… but in the background, the cops are yelling to turn the music off… and the other prisoners yell back… and so a whooping ensues… but they’re completely unphased. I liked it.

Tuesday was softball… and long story short, we dominated yet again (17-5) in a foggy game. I showed up a little late because of my schedule but went 1-1 with a single and a walk while playing right field. Good times. Not really much else to say about it other than next week is our big barbecue softball game, so that’s awesome!

Wednesday, I found a show that I thought was surprisingly good for being from MTV – “The Buried Life” which is basically about these four Canadian guys in their twenties, who drive around in a purple bus completing their bucket list of things that they want to do before they die. Also, as they cross one off for themselves, they ask strangers what they’d do… and help them along the way. It’s a great circle of Karma. I was sold when one of the episodes was “Ask out your dream girl” and of course… it was Megan Fox. I could be down for that. So at that point, they figure out how they’re going to get into a movie premiere to do the deed… and that’s half the fun. Anyway, after a few episodes, I was basically trying to figure out how I could feasibly do this… and the answers are pretty reassuring. It could be done. Not unlike my “Into the Wild” sensation that I get every once in a while where I sell all my earthly possessions and wander the Earth, there are sacrifices & risks… but there are also great rewards. I asked Jackie D about it… and she’s totally down (at least via text) so we’ll see if I can get a bus to roam the world in & a crew to help out with the list.

The epiphany that I had while watching this show… was I’m not entirely sure what my bucket list would look like. I mean… yes, there are things that I’d like to do before I die… but I don’t have an actual list. I should probably start making one… and checking them off periodically. Sigh… but where am I going to find the time & creativity to do such a thing? Well, I can always start. The journey starts with a single step… so here are a few things that I want to add to the list, in no particular order… and yes, I stole a few from various sources… but I still want to do them.

• Play Basketball in Front of a REAL Crowd


• Go “Office Space” on a computer


• Fly a Plane


• Sail a Boat


• Visit the Seven Continents (3 down, 4 to go)


• Fall in Love (sappy, I know)


• Have a Three-some… with two girls


• Get Married in Vegas


• Sky Dive


• Party at the Playboy Mansion


• Make a Toast at a Stranger’s Wedding


• Help Delivery a Baby (maybe my own)


• Design & Build a House


• Write a Children’s Book with my Brother Illustrating


• Get Someone Named After Me


• Kiss the Stanley Cup (I’m not even a hockey fan)


• Get a Noble Title (Sir, His Majesty, etc)


• Sleep in a Haunted House


• Make a Million Dollars


• BURNING MAAAAAN!!!


• Go to Space


• Buy something with a suitcase full of money


• Gold Bouillon also works
  
  

I don’t know, that’s a good start I guess. By the way, I checked out their list of 100 from the show… and I’ve already done 24 of them. Not a bad start there… but this is my list. Also, if ANY of you would like to share something that you’d like to do before you die, please leave a comment… and maybe we can figure it out. I’m already seeing a few of these that can be done in November in Vegas.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got going on right now. Just been about a week so I thought I’d catch up. Have basketball in a bit so… I’d better get ready for that. Have a great night everybody!!! What do you want to do before you die?

In The Year 3000...

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It has been a very busy week at work… and I’ve also been going to the gym almost every day… so yeah, that kind of explains why you haven’t heard from me in a while. Oh… and my mom came to town this weekend… so there’ll certainly be pictures of that later. In the meantime, I just thought that I’d share a few movies that I saw in the late hours while recovering from the gym.

First up is a movie that I’ve been waiting for quite some time. Why? Well, of course it stars the lovely Megan Fox… whose work I’ve been following… let’s say passionately for a few years. Mickey Rourke is in it too… and he’s usually entertaining. The other big thing though… was when I heard that Bill Murray was going to be in it… as a ruthless gangster. Oh no, it’s not a comedy. It’s an independent flick. Yup. Anyway, without further ado, I give you “Passion Play” finally. It’s the story of a down-and-out musician (Rourke) who’s on the run from a ruthless gangster named Happy (Murray, as mentioned). He stumbles upon a carnival… where he meets a beautiful woman named Lily (Fox) who… sigh… who has wings. Yes, she’s not an angel… she’s just a young woman with wings. Please stop rolling your eyes. Well, they run away together from the manipulative carnie leader (Rhys Ifans) because the musician thinks that if he cuts a deal with Happy to make a lot of money showing off his newfound love… then Happy won’t kill him & take her anyway. Well, I think you can guess where it goes from there… but it’s actually an okay flick… as long as you can get past the wings thing… and it’s just great eye candy with Miss Fox anyway. I recommend it if you’re looking for an interesting indie flick. I will give you a cheese warning though. There is some cheesiness. Then again, you get to see Bill Murray play a gangster too. Well worth it…

Saturday, I basically spent the afternoon hanging with my roommate Nurse and we watched a few movies. Oddly enough, both of us are young beautiful individuals… who just had nothing better to do on a Saturday night. Weird, right? Anyway, first up was “The King’s Speech” starring Colin Firth, Helena Bonham Carter & Geoffrey Rush. You’ve probably heard about it since it won Best Picture… but it’s about in the early 1930’s when the King of England died, the eldest son (Guy Pearce) decided that instead of being king he would marry a woman from Baltimore, Hitler was taking over the European continent, and then the man who would be king (Firth) had a pretty bad stammer. Well, as usual, behind every great man in history, his wife (Carter) helped him by pairing him with a controversial Australian speech therapist (Rush) and the rest… is history. Pretty great flick, I highly recommend it. There’s a lot about family, duty, perseverance, courage, confidence, & all that other junk.

Next up was “Buried” starring Ryan Reynolds and… well, spoiler alert… it’s just Ryan Reynolds… in a box… up until they roll credits. A private contractor in Iraq awakes to find himself buried alive in a coffin somewhere. He doesn’t know where. He’s in a coffin. All he has is the clothes on him, a lighter, and a bag filled with various items like glow sticks, a knife, etc. He gets a call… he’s being held hostage… and he’s trying to call around to talk to his family, the consulate, anybody who can help him. It’s actually pretty gripping… though there’s a LOT of political undertones as you might expect from the location… which kind of takes away from the horror theme of being buried alive… but then again, he’s still buried alive. Ain’t no punching your way up through the ground thanks to your training like he’s in “Kill Bill” This is real. Happens every day. Anyway, give it a gander if you’d like…

After that though… we kind of needed something a little more cheery than a war horror movie… so I pulled out the desperate measure. “Have you seen… Hot Tub Time Machine?” “No?” “I know what our next movie will be then…” and we laughed hysterically for about 102 minutes. Great white buffalo…

The next day… I finally did it. I know I’ve mentioned that I’ve been thinking about it for a long time… but just didn’t have the sudden urge to just… get out there and do it. It was a long time coming. I was curious. People had told me that it would change my life… but I didn’t believe them. So I sucked it up… and went for it… and finally watched “Battlefield Earth” starring John Travolta… which is highly regarded as one of the worst movies of the modern era… and it really didn’t disappoint. Quick summation of the story: Scientology’s Book of Genesis. Not quite so quick: In the year 3000, human are endangered… and hide amongst the mountains from evil alien overlords called Psychlos, who mine gold & other metals out of the ground. One man has balls, knowledge machine, humans revolt, blah blah blah… let’s get to how bad the movie was. Now, I don’t know why… but there was a LOT of slow motion & echoing throughout this movie. Like… if it were played in regular speed, it might’ve been a twenty minute movie total… and not as much life would’ve been wasted. Also, the director or editor must have really liked center-out transition wipes… because there was a few dozen thrown in too. Use sparingly, future filmmakers. John Travolta… who played the evil alien leader Terl… truly deserved the Worst Actor Razzie & Worst On-Screen Duo with anybody on screen with him. It was REALLY bad… like… REALLY… BAD. Very campy. His only competition… was Arnie in “Batman & Robin” but without the bad puns, just piss poor dialogue. Academy Award nominee Forest Whitaker was in the movie too… or so I’m told. His part was pretty small… covered in costume… and even when you could understand what he was saying… it was pretty bad acting & dialogue anyway. Just overall… really bad. Period. I could go on and on… but yeah, waste of time… and even typing. Done with it… but not sorry to see it first-hand. It needed to be done. Now I know.

Next up was the Coen Brothers remake of “True Grit” starring Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Josh Brolin & newcomer Hailee Steinfeld. For those of you who haven’t seen the original starring John Wayne, go do so… and then watch this one. Both are pretty good. It’s a good old fashioned story of revenge & redemption in the Old West. Mattie Ross (Steinfeld) is a 14 year old girl out to settle her murdered father’s affairs… but to hunt down his murderer (Brolin), she needs the help of a Texas ranger (Damon) and an old gunslinging sheriff named Rooster Cogburn (Bridges) to help her follow his trail. What really stood out about this movie… was Steinfeld’s performance from such a young lady surrounded by Hollywood’s finest. Also, the dialogue is not what you’re used to… as with most Coen Brothers’ films… but very good & appropriate to the environment of the film. I really liked it… and it made me want to watch the original again (it’s been a few years).

Anyway, that should do it for me this time. Next time, pictures of my weekend with my beautiful mother & aunt in this incredible Bay Area. Have a great day everybody!!!