The 2015 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

...and Happy New Year!!! So it’s time for this year’s $tevie Awards… and in reading this over… there’s a bunch of repetitive sh*t… so I tightened it up a bit. Remember when I used to put real production value in these things? No? Well, then you should totally check out past awards shows with a wide variety of hosts. In the meantime, enjoy!

 

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: Izzy – You’ve read the blog… and the one specifically regarding Beer& Terrible Lizard Brewing. If you hadn’t, you really should… and how did you find this blog in the first place? We’re always trying out different brews at home, checking out breweries around the world (thanks Canada!), recipes, experiments, and just enjoying& drinking all the time… winning a few awards here & there along the way. What more else can I say? She’s amazing… so of all the people I drink with (and apparently there are many) she’s far and away the most prevalent.

 

NEWCOMER AWARD: Big Ben & Lone Cicerone – Although the new roommates are pretty cool, I’m not going to f**king jinx it again like year’s past. Also, Big Ben & his wife Lone Cicerone are pretty f**king awesome and I’m really glad that we’ve been able to hang out from time to time and do all kinds of events regarding our fondness of Beer… and even work in Game of Thrones marathons. They’re amazing thoughtful people!!! Thank you guys!!!

 

SONG FOR 2015: “Hotline Bling” by Drake – I’m f**king joking… most music is absolutely horrible now… and I can’t believe this song exists. Sh*t is ridiculous… I really don’t know of any new music from this year… and honestly, I’m okay with it. OH!!! MATT & KIM WERE F**KING AWESOME IN CONCERT!!! They released their album “New Glow” this year… but I honestly couldn’t tell you a song off the top of my head though… I’m sure it’s amazing though. Check it out! Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine also just released a few new albums… love that guy. Definitely check him out too… but f**k Drake. Okay, that’s harsh… glad he can make some money in this economy… just not from me.

 

MOVIE FOR 2015: "Mad Max: Fury Road" – You probably could have guessed this from my review back in July but… yeah, this is probably the best movie that I’ve seen in a long, long time… like probably “The Dark Knight” or something… and maybe even better than that. (GASP!!!) This year actually had a few good ones… that I actually saw in theatres too. 2^nd place would probably go to “Jurassic World” which had its flaws but overall a great dino adventure… and let’s not forget the early front-runner back in March “Chappie” which I still think is pretty damn good. Also, I’m glad that “Creed” turned out as good as it did so I’m giving it some honorable mention. Also, "Avengers: Age of Ultron" was okay... but yeah, barely breaking the top 5 at best. I also saw “Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens” but I’ll save that for another entry…

 

VIDEO GAME FOR 2015: “Mad Max” – Okay, so I’m a little behind in the video game area. I’m playing “Madden 15” and just took the revamped Raiders to SLC to become the Pioneers… and some free games that I got through Playstation Plus that’ve been out for a year or more… and occasionally still last year’s winner “South Park: Stick of Truth” but I haven’t played anything like “Fallout 4” or “Star Wars Battlefront” or “Witcher III” or any of the “Call of Duty” games or the new “Star Wars Battlefront” game or Batman sequels/prequels or “Metal Gear Solid V” or the Tomb Raider reboot or “Halo 5” or “Mortal Kombat X” or the Assassin’s Creed sequels… but I got to play a little bit of the “Mad Max” video game during my Utah vacation… and I may have to purchase this thing. The environment is pretty gorgeous, the game play is pretty unique, it’s got tons of references from the movies as well as new lingo, worlds and atmosphere to this emersive world. Since it’s really the only new game that I’ve played that came out this year… I’ll go with it. I also got “Madden 16” for Christmas… but for this year though… it’s the year of the Shiny & Chrome… and yeah… GO SLC PIONEERS!!! #slcpioneers #steverules

 

TV SHOW FOR 2015: Netflix – Still no TV… but yeah, lots of great series available on Netflix… and we watched all six seasons & a few TV movies of “The Rockford Files” so I’ll say that… after it’s been off the air for over 35 years… I don’t care. Check that sh*t out! Why? Because I want to see Vince Vaughn in a “Rockford Files” movie before it’s too damn late… and maybe be the casting director.

 

HALLOWEEN COSTUME:  Ash from Pokemon – Yup… here you go…

 

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Elevation 66 Brewing – Seriously, I know I’m a little biased because I help out at the brewery… but the food here is f**king amazing. You really need to check it out. The sausage is The Best that I’ve ever had. The burgers, sliders, chicken, chips, salad, everything that I’ve tried has been absolutely amazing… and actually not a bad bargain for the area & what you get. Honorable mention to the former chef’s new venture Sessions at The Presidio which is a nice place too… but it’s too mother lovin’ expensive to be utilized regularly, so I don’t know the menu as well. Good beer selection though. If you’re ever in El Cerrito, check out Elevation 66. If you’re in the Presidio, check out Sessions.

 

BOOK OF THE YEAR: “Winning the Money Game” by Adonal Foyle – I’ve mentioned that I’ve dug Adonal’s basketball game from the beginning of his surprisingly long NBA career… and he was doing the retirement poem YEARS before Kobe tried his hand at it… so when I heard on the Adam Carolla Show that Adonal had written a book about how to put your money to work for you… then I had to check it out. I had no idea what to expect really as he was a professional basketball player who graduated magna cum laude with a degree in History from Colgate University… but yeah, just some pretty good ideas about how to manage your money as best you can so that you can use what you’ve earned without it all going to frivolous and/or stupid stuff. Now the next step… earn enough wealth where some of the really good stuff can be utilized. Check it out. It’s a pretty easy read with a basic knowledge of finance like I have… and it’s explained very well.

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: Well… I’m still a little peeved at certain family members who made me go to Utah on a moment’s notice and cost me a LOT of money & spiritual strife… but hey… I’m a forgiving soul. At least I got to hang with my brother during his birthday.

BEST RELATIONSHIP: Izzy – Yeah… boring… I know…

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: Izzy & a bunch of other homebrewers – Yes, we spent a wonderful Valentine’s Day at the world-famous Anchor Brewing eating barbecue and congratulating the Maltese Falcons on winning Homebrew Club of the Year… and then we ate tacos in bed… double entendre…

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: No really huge decision made this year that I can think of… but you never know what the future holds.

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Last year’s entry was “Keep on doing what I'm doing... only more so... and I've already got a good plan set up to keep it moving...” and that still holds true.

 

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: I still have to do Orcat...

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: This year is going to look like nothing compared to next year I think… I’ll just leave it at that.
 

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Izzy’s Graduation & Birthday Party – This has been a great year looking back!!! Some of the highlights include my brother & C-Rock visiting back in January… my mom & stepdad visiting in March… Steve-Taco-Fest for my birthday in April… National Homebrewing Conference in San Diego… Mom & the kids visiting in July… My cousin Alicia visiting in August… Beerversary trip to Chico… Northern California Homebrewers Conference… Sacramento Brewery Tour… Mangria Bar Crawl in December… Christmas in Utah… and a WHOLE mess of other great things in between like visits from Heather, Cesar & KJ… hanging out with Big Ben & Lone Cicerone… Matt & Kim in concert with Tim& Kate… a slough of beer events… but only one made me this proud of my lady Izzy! After years of giving her all to art school, she graduated with her degree… and almost simultaneously turned the big 3-0… and still looks like she’s in her late-teens, early-20’s at the latest. It was a great event at her house where all of her friends & family showed up… some she hadn’t seen in years… everybody played nice… and I even almost ruined it by making a damn near undrinkable Beet Beer that I’m still convinced that we can fine tune to make a delicious red concoction of ale-iciousness… but yeah, super proud of you sweetie!!!

 

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Losing my Dad – Technically it happened just before the year started… but the stepfamily BS that followed was pretty bad… and I still have dreams where I’m visiting him and we’re hanging out and stuff like that… nothing like you see in the movies where he’s spitting out spiritual wisdom and all telling me to ‘swing away’ or some stupid sh*t like that… but yeah, just like memories that could have been and things like that… meeting at family events, watching some football, catching up… but then you wake up, reality sets in, and you deal with it accordingly. Miss ya Dad.

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas... as usual... it was pretty awesome... and then it wasn't... to be continued next week probably... I’m a little swamped at work again right now. I know… broken record from every other year… but that’s what happens when you’re doing 7-8 jobs in three different departments at two different offices… and getting paid less than your peers who are already jumping ship. Yup.

Last Year’s REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS Review (still in effect for 2016 as well):

• Date Dammit! – I’m kinda set here for the time being
• Learn Another Language – Ugh… dammit…
• Give Up Mountain Dew – Ugh… double dammit… still better than I was…
• Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I really need to start working out again… I was doing really good at the beginning of the year… and actually just up until about three months ago… but beer is definitely not the healthiest drink out there… but it’s damn good
• Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though I’m pretty sure she’s long forgotten about me. Your child is adorable!!!
• Use My Passport – I’ll be using it again this year… stay tuned…
• Write a Children’s Book – Again, stay tuned… Izzy has officially graduated & should have time to help with illustration once we get a little settled!
• Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – I’m still relaxing & taking things as they come…
• Look for the Next Step – Tehehehe… stay tuned...
• Survive the Apocalypse – Ugh… I guess stay tuned… the news makes this one sound creepier every day… but I’m optimistic.

 

Anyway, those are my winners this year... yeah, not the grandest... but there's more on the way. Christmas events coming soon with pictures... and stories... and a little retrospective view of many things... but yeah, until then, thanks for reading. I appreciate this outlet… and hopefully you appreciate my sense of humor and/or perspective. Have a great new year everybody!!! See ya in 2016… in a few hours.

2014 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Well, another year has come and gone… without so much as cab fare left behind… so that means that another round of $tevies should be handed out. While last year’s master of ceremonies Robocop is busy shooting a new movie, the show must go on… and so, ladies & gentlemen… I give you… just me. I’m phoning it in a little bit this year. Why? Eh… it’s just a silly questionnaire thing from way back… and chances are that you know the answers already anyway if you’ve been reading this thing… but here you go.

 

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: Izzy – There’s really no use in calling her Dizzy anymore… you all know my ladyfriend… and she wins again! After Bubbles swept this award the first 5-6 years… there is a new drunkard in my life… and while Bubbles & I still enjoy drinks from time to time… and Jackie D has made a few appearances this year… I really HAVE to give it to the lady that I’m starting up a small brewing empire with, right? You’ve read the blog… and the one specifically regarding Beer & Terrible Lizard Brewing. If you hadn’t, you really should… and how did you find this blog in the first place? Anyway, we’re always trying out different brews at home, checking out breweries around the world (thanks Canada!), recipes, experiments, and just enjoying & drinking all the time… winning a few awards here & there along the way. Yup… she’s totally my new drinking buddy… and she’s basically done after a glass or two anyway so… kind of a cheap date. Easier on the pocketbook that’s for sure.

 

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): The Wingman – Though I’m a little peeved that I haven’t met his new wife yet… I can let it slide, cuz we’re cool like that. I really only saw him at the family reunion for about two hours this past year, but it was good times & that’s what matters.

 

NEWCOMER AWARD: New Roommates? – Massachusetts girl has been in the apartment a year now… and since then she’s been joined by Brazilian girl & Bakersfield guy the past few months… and we get along pretty well. Yes, Mass can be a little annoying with her tendency to just throw anything & everything away that isn’t hers if it’s taking up fridge space that she can use for six gallons of almond milk… but hey, that’s how roommates go… and when almond milk is dumped into the sink past its expiration date because I’d like enough space to just have ANYTHING that I can eat in the fridge, that’s what we call compromise. I guess basically there just wasn’t a whole lot of new blood this year.

 

SONG FOR 2014: “Drunken Love” by Beyonce? – I'm not going to lie... there really isn't a winner here. Not to sound like an old man... but music is just kinda crap nowadays... at least that I hear on the radio... and the concerts that I went to this year were George Thorogood & a Prince cover band. “Happy” by Pharrell was pretty good... but yeah... still, not really a winner this year... so I gotta go to the best concert that I saw this year... Jay & Bey!!!

 

MOVIE FOR 2014: "Guardians of the Galaxy" – For most movies, awards season started about a month ago to gear up for all the shows & be fresh in the memories of the voters… but my awards season really started this time last year (with most of the award winning crap) but really kicks off in summer with big releases… and then usually really kicks off in early fall with summer movies going to DVD so I can watch them… and some of the non-tentpole movies that appeal to $teve start to show up… like the R-rated movies like Machete (last year), Sin City, Expendables, horror flicks, even TMNT, where they don’t really have the clout to go up against the Avengers… but they have their appeal & usually go to DVD in time for Christmas. However, this movie was pretty much far & away the most entertaining that I saw this year. When basically the only flaw that you can really say about it is that it’s an obscure Marvel comic that basically rips off “The Avengers” but puts them in space… then if you really liked “The Avengers”, what’s the difference? If you haven’t seen it, go check it out. Honorable mentions this year go to “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” which had a few flaws… but was entertaining… and I got to go to a super special premiere & see all the real life stars… and also to the horribly named “Edge of Tomorrow” which was my surprise goodie of the year. How was it surprising? Nobody talked it up… but it was a major movie that kinda flopped… and it was still pretty good. Also, I really wanna watch “Birdman”, “Gone Girl”, “Foxcatcher” & “The Babadook” but that’ll probably go towards next year… since they didn’t go to video yet & theatre release is ridiculous unless you’re a sequel to an established title. That’s just how Hollywood is any more… and what’s with all that tween bullsh*t based on Stephanie Meyer books? I feel like that stuff comes up once a month… are they the only people going to theatres anymore?

 

VIDEO GAME FOR 2014: South Park: The Stick of Truth – Far & away the best new video game that I’ve played this year. The South Park guys FINALLY made a decent game after a few tries… and this is actually a pretty incredible & entertaining RPG game based in the lore of South Park. If you’re a fan of the show, you’re going to be a fanatic of this game. Hundreds of characters, nearly every TV show environment, thousands of inside jokes & little things that make it feel like you’re completely immersed in this game. I absolutely loved it! Thank you Izzy for this wonderful birthday present!!!

 

TV SHOW FOR 2014: Netflix – Yeah, Netflix became my TV last year… and Hulu Plus has joined the mix… so yeah, the only appeal of broadcast is sports & they’re quickly pricing that sh*t out completely so… good luck with that networks.

 

HALLOWEEN COSTUME:  Spanky Ham – Yup, no Waldo this year… instead the ladyfriend and I went as Ling Ling & Spanky Ham from “Drawn Together”

 

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Elevation 66 Brewing – Seriously, I know I’m a little biased because I help out at the brewery… but the food here is f**king amazing. You really need to check it out. The sausage is The Best that I’ve ever had. The burgers, sliders, chicken, chips, salad, everything that I’ve tried has been absolutely amazing… and actually not a bad bargain for the area & what you get. If you’re ever in El Cerrito, check it out.

 

BOOK OF THE YEAR: “Paddle Your Own Canoe” by Nick Offerman – Nick Offerman seems like the coolest mofo alive. He is all that is Man. This book of his is basically a look back on how he became the Man that he is today… and basically little life-learned lessons about how to make your life the best that it can be. Is it grossly insightful into the meaning of Life? Not really… it doesn’t take itself that seriously… but it’s a great little romp about down-home living, making the most with what you have, learning skills to make your life more fulfilling in a lot of ways, and just general proper living. I highly recommend that you read this when/if somebody is willing to loan it to you. Better yet, get this book as a present for that Man in your life. It’s funny, insightful & reassures all the good qualities that a real Man tries to uphold. You’re welcome.

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: SFMTA - San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency  -  Another repeat winner! Seriously though, these punk mutha f**kas don’t know when to stop. I got a ticket apparently last October… because their automated bridge toll system didn’t read THEIR Fastrak transponder that never leaves my Jeep, is assigned SPECIFICALLY to my Jeep, and the ticket they sent me had a picture of the back of my Jeep with license number, hence how they found out it was me. I sent them a message concerning this to their absolutely pointless website area, since a few months later they said I now owe them $78 or something because of the $5 toll that their system didn’t take. I was very eloquent & refrained from dropping any F or N bombs, stated my case, gave them not only the transponder number but all of the Fastrak information that they obviously already had on file since they sent me the f**king ticket, even suggested that they check their system at the bridge since they probably have quite a number of these incidences popping up. Their response? Why the f**k would they have to respond? They’re not accountable for anything! They’re never accountable for anything other than getting your mother f**king money! No response. Over a year after the incident, I go to register my Jeep for this next year… and nothing has been done. I still owe $78 on top of all the other BS registration fees so that… wait for it… California, SFMTA & all the other institutions out there can further rape my tax-paying ass for more money… merely for the privilege of driving or NOT driving on their roads that they were so grateful to make and occasionally maintain with my previous taxes that they can also take without any representation in their assessment. That’s right kids! F**k the government! Don’t make it about Race! That’s just f**king stupid… let’s be real. Make it about the government just taking & taking… and enforcing their will on you! That I can get behind… unless it’s just slowing down my f**king commute when I have a job to get to & your unemployed ass is blocking the road… then just get the f**k out of the way & blog about it or something. Oh, and I also got another one today when I was typing this up... why? Because they got their money out of me. Dispute filed... and I expect the same result.

BEST RELATIONSHIP: Dizzy – Yep… still hangin’ out with her… dang, it’s been almost three full years now. Amazing that she isn’t sick of me yet… but then again, I AM pretty awesome… even when I’m ranting like two sentences ago…

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: Izzy – Of course! We watched “The Thin Man”, first of the Nick & Norah series… and we haven’t seen any of the sequels yet unfortunately. We should probably get on that.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: SF Homebrewing Guild Leadership – I was kind of on the fence in the beginning about throwing my hat in the ring for the SF Homebrewers Guild… but I’m actually really glad that I did it. I’ve met a LOT of great people in the brewing community, been part of a lot of activities, learned more about making better beer to share with others, spent great quality time with my ladyfriend, but yeah… the main benefit of helping from the leadership role specifically is meeting all of the great people in the community & creating not just contacts… but helping others to share the passion of making your own beer & just finding likeminded individuals in the Bay Area.

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Last year’s entry was “Keep on doing what I'm doing... only more so... and I've already got a good plan set up to keep it moving...” and that still holds true.

 

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Orcat? No… that’s pretty amazing. Oh, you STILL don’t know about that? Stay tuned…

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: This year has been pretty steady… aside from little things like new roommates, a few more responsibilities at work, paying off Gretchen (my Jeep), filing for my first trademark, and little things like that… not much has really changed… but 2015 is bound to be full of changes... and it actually started right at the turn of the calendar

 

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Alaska Cruise – Seriously, that trip was f**king awesome… there have been many high points this past year… but it’s hard to top these three entries & all the stories in between that I couldn’t recount at the moment… Part One, Part Two & Part Three…

 

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: There's actually going to an entire different entry for this one... now is not the time.

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas... as usual... it was pretty awesome... and then it wasn't... to be continued...

Last Year’s REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS Review (still in effect for 2015 as well):

• Date Dammit! – I’m kinda set here for the time being
• Learn Another Language – Ugh… dammit…
• Give Up Mountain Dew – Ugh… double dammit… still better than I was…
• Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I really need to start working out more… beer is not the healthier drink out there… it’s basically liquid bread
• Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though I’m pretty sure she’s long forgotten about me
• Use My Passport – FINALLY used it on the Alaska cruise!!! Now to plan on the next international voyage…
• Write a Children’s Book – Hmm… it has been quite a while since I thought about this… but we’ll both have more free time once Izzy graduates this spring!
• Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – I’m still relaxing & taking things as they come…
• Look for the Next Step – Eyes are open...
• Survive the Apocalypse – I’m still surviving like a f**king CHAMPION!!! “Godzilla” couldn’t take us down this summer… nor “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes”… nor the “flood” about a month ago… aaaaaand queue the quake…

 

Anyway, those are my winners this year... yeah, not the grandest... but there's more on the way. Christmas events coming soon with pictures... and stories... and a little retrospective view of many things... but yeah, until then, thanks for reading. Have a great new year everybody!!!

2013 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Well, another year has come and gone… without so much as cab fare left behind… so that means that another round of $tevies should be handed out. While last year’s master of ceremonies Robocop is busy shooting a new movie, the show must go on… and so, ladies & gentlemen… I give you… just me. I’m phoning it in a little bit this year. Why? Eh… it’s just a silly questionnaire thing from way back… and chances are that you know the answers already anyway if you’ve been reading this thing… but here you go.

 

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: Dizzy – We have a NEW champion! After Bubbles sweeping this award the past 5-6 years… there is a new drunkard in my life… and while Bubbles & I still enjoy drinks from time to time… and Jackie D has made a few appearances this year… as well as the Wingman… I really HAVE to give it to the lady that I’m starting up a small homebrewing empire with, right? I mean… come on. You’ve read the blog. We’re always trying out different brews, locations, recipes, and just drinking all the time… but not in the purely alcoholic way (although we’re both pretty mindful of our hereditary tendencies). Yup… she’s totally my new drinking buddy… and she’s basically done after a glass or two anyway so… kind of a cheap date. Easier on the pocketbook that’s for sure.

 

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): The Wingman – My buddy since the 2^nd grade Isaiah has also ran the table the past few years… but this Christmas was the first time that I've seen him in about two years… so now the award goes to The Wingman who may have hopped into my life a little later than most… but it’s been a great decade or so & we’ve been on a few adventures of our own. Time to shake up this award I think.

 

NEWCOMER AWARD: New Roommates? – There’s really not a whole lot of newcomers this year… but I did get two new roommates who have been pretty amazing thus far. One’s a quiet Turkish guy who makes great food made of… I don’t know what but it’s good. The other is a strong-minded Massachusetts girl who eats gluten-free. I smell a sitcom… but until that day, this award will have to suffice.

 

SONG FOR 2013: "Thrift Shop” by Macklemore – That’s right, there was a Jay-Z AND a Kanye West album this year… but honestly, I preferred Macklemore’s to both of theirs. “Royals” by Lordes was also pretty high on the list this year… but “Thrift Shop” was a favorite of mine back when I just heard it on the radio… and then I saw the video (damn, that IS a cold ass honky, I thought I was hearing it wrong on my radio) and honestly, I just like the message that you can be fly without dropping a bunch of money on clothes as long as you got style… and just because it’s used doesn’t mean that it’s worthless. Recycle, b**ches!

 

MOVIE FOR 2013: "Gravity" – Yes, many of the “award winners” have yet to be released… but as far as a great movie going experience, “Gravity” from director Alfonso Cuaron gets my nod for movie of the year. Simple premise, great execution, basically it’s everything that it should have been. I’d also like to give a nod to Robert Redford’s “All is Lost” flick which was kind of the same thing. Also, because this is my blog & I have amazing taste in movies… I’m giving the bronze to Robert Rodriguez’s “Machete Kills!” because it’s just my kind of movie… and it’s pretty amazing… and I got to meet Danny Trejo (sorta). Honorable mention to the amazing special effects of “Pacific Rim” which almost overcame a HORRIBLE storyline & acting. Almost.

 

At this point, I also want to mention… that I don’t understand why all the critics are so high on “Inside Llewyn Davis”. I watched it… and paid full attention to it… and it wasn’t an award winner at all. It was pretty horrible actually. I see all these critic reviews, metascores in the high 90s, people in the media talking all about it for winning best pictures at these film festivals that nobody has heard about… and it was pretty average at best. The music was good… though if I ever hear a song with “Fare Thee Well” in it again my eardrums may literally commit suicide. The acting was good. The story… who gives a sh*t? A struggling artist… okay… he’s an asshole to everybody& that’s half the reason he lives the life of a struggling artist. The other half… NOBODY GIVES A F**K ABOUT FOLK MUSIC!!! That’s like somebody being the world’s greatest tiddlywinks player… but they he has to live on the streets. Why? Because nobody is willing to pay you to play f**king tiddlywinks. It’s a hobby. If you’re not getting paid, it’s a hobby. And if you’re an asshole to everybody, then why would you expect anything more? Can somebody PLEASE explain to me how this is a good movie? Not even a great one… just good… certainly not the best. For God’s sake, I just said that “Pacific Rim” was easier to tolerate.

VIDEO GAME FOR 2013: NBA 2K13 – Yeah, I bought it a year late… but it’s pretty sweet & I thoroughly enjoyed it. Great basketball game & I guess that it has a monopoly in the industry now with EA bowing out. “Grand Theft Auto V” was the only game that I think I bought this year... but I only have a few hours in playing it… and most of that was shooting it up with my brother & my buddy Chris online. I really don’t know anything about the story… but I assume it’s the usual robbing, killing & shooting up hookers or whatever. I also got “Madden 25” but primarily for the NFL Sunday Ticket that came with it… but yeah, from what I’ve played it’s very similar to last year’s winner NCAA Football 13, just with pros… and a year later, but still basically the same. I also REALLY enjoyed the remastering of the Nintendo classic “Ducktales” for the PS3 (and it was like $10).

 

TV SHOW FOR 2013: Netflix – Yeah, Netflix has become my TV this year… and I’m pretty good with being a year behind as long as I don’t have to pay a sh*t ton a month. Big ups to continuing stories like "Archer”, “Walking Dead”, “Breaking Bad”, etc. I’m sure that eventually Netflix and/or Hulu will get a nice monopoly & jack up their prices for streaming… but in the meantime, I’m enjoying it.

 

HALLOWEEN COSTUME:  Waldo yet again... You’d think that I might be sick of this outfit… you’d be wrong. Maybe next year I’ll try something new but… I honestly don’t give a sh*t about my Halloween costume… and Dizzy seems to enjoy her Carmen Sandiego outfit so they go well together.

 

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: KC Barbecue in Berkeley – One of Dizzy’s aunts suggested this place… so we went one afternoon… and basically for $20 we walked out with THREE meals worth of delicious chicken, ribs, hot links & sides. Sh*t was amazing… and I can’t believe that we haven’t gone back since… but I think we may do that very soon. Also, for fancy restaurants, Parallel 37 at The Ritz-Carlton here was pretty magnificent too… as long as you’re willing to go $$$$ on Yelp. Great “occasion” location though. I highly recommend either depending on your budget.

 

BOOK OF THE YEAR: “How to Brew” by John Palmer – This book basically helped to get me excited about the world of homebrewing and Beer in general. I’m also not a HUGE book reader… but this was very interesting & I of course recommend it to anybody who is interested in the subject… and I’ll probably reread it for many years to come. Not sure what else can be said about a book with those credentials.

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: SFMTA - San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency  - I’m a huge fan of public transportation and the service it provides… but it has also come to my attention that you also control the parking meter maids & various other aspects of that world… so f**k you and everything you stand for. You basically tow at will, without proper cause or reason, and there’s really no legal recourse that can be taken. If I challenge it in a court, you MAY waive the ticket for the cost of another fee… but the towing (which is of course VASTLY more) can never be restituted. Why? Because it’s a form of legalized financial rape. Pure & simple. Is this the only way that the government rapes its funders? Of course not… but this is definitely one of the most prevalent in the city… so next time you meter maids are in the street, watch your six & be careful getting out of your modified moped. People get ran over all the f**king time. Just ask that rich kid in Texas who got away with only probation after killing four & injuring nine when he was three times the legal limit… and is on probation. You know what? F**k the whole “justice” system! You get a $tevie! “Wait, getting a $tevie is a bad thing now?” IT IS WHEN IT’S A LITERAL BAG FILLED WITH DOUCHES, BLOOD& FECES!!! You’re welcome!

BEST RELATIONSHIP: Dizzy – Yep… still hangin’ out with her… dang, it’s been almost two full years now. Amazing that she isn’t sick of me yet… but then again, I AM pretty awesome… except maybe when I’m ranting like two sentences ago…

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: Well, I started it in New Orleans with Filly after almost two weeks of Super Bowl & Mardi Gras celebrations… then spent most of it in the airport environment, which is basically horrible… but it ended with me in Dizzy’s bed, so it’s all good. Click here to check out the story of the rose that I got for her too.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Homebrewing? – I don’t know… it’s just fun & definitely something that I can REALLY get into. Besides, the side effect is Delicious Beer. There really haven’t been a whole lot of HUGE decision made this year… but yeah… I’d definitely go with that one. Heck, continuing to brew at home may be next year’s best decision too. We will just have to see.

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Last year’s entry was “Keep on doing what I'm doing... only more so... and I've already got a good plan set up to keep it moving...” and that still holds true.

 

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Dang… despite a year involving alcohol almost on a weekly basis… I didn’t get REALLY blitzed at all this year… so no real stupid ideas to report. Trips to wine country, Oktoberfest, beer brewing, sampling at various locations, even Mardi Gras, I didn’t really get completely hammered anywhere. Not going to lie… there were times that I shouldn’t have been driving… but in those instances… I DIDN’T!!! So with that in mind… maybe my stupidest idea while drunk… hmm… Orcat? No… that’s pretty amazing. Oh, you don’t know about that? Stay tuned…

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: ??? – There really wasn’t a whole lot of change this year. A few new roommates… homebrewing… but yeah, nothing major. I’ve started listening to podcasts. Does that count?

 

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Wow... such a great year with so many wonderful things going on. There was Mardi Gras & the Super Bowl in New Orleans, birthday roads trips to Gualala & Santa Rosa, Christmas was awesome... but I'll elaborate on that next time... but I'd have to say that my high point of the year was the week or so that I spent in Oregon with Dizzy, C&H, and Chick'n'Wing's family. That's right, Christmas has been dethroned this year too. I'm going with that wonderful week in August in Oregon. Don't remember? Part one and Part two.

 

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Well, I've already elaborated on SFMTA screwing me out of money... but that's sadly a pretty standard thing. It's been a great year... but there have been points where, I realized that I'm not a young buck... and I'm reminded of my own mortality on a fairly consistent basis. This is new to me. Family members dying, health scares, etc... but probably the lowest point was when my coworker lost her eye a few weeks ago. Basically she's only a few years older than me, but went in for a routine checkup, mentioned some trouble focusing on a computer screen, a few tests later, it was a tumor behind her eye. Not unlike the scare that I and my uncle had last year. Well, they did some tests, planned out a routine or whatever & all looked like it was going to be okay... and then she went in, they found that it had grown more than expected, and the decision was to take out her eye. It just... really stuck with me how quick & sudden it was... yet it really wasn't sudden at all, it was a few weeks but... yeah, one week you're perfectly fine... then a few days later you're just going in for a quick fix thing... and then poof, you're a pirate for Halloween every year... which isn't nearly as bad as it could be... but yeah, that compiled with everybody else in my family starting to have health things... just reminded me that I'm not going to be here forever. It's okay though, I just have to enjoy my time here & let those around me that I care about know that I care about them. That's one thing that I CAN change.

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas... as usual... it's pretty awesome... to be continued...

Last Year’s REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS Review (still in effect for 2014 as well):

• Date Dammit! – I’m kinda set here for the time being
• Learn Another Language – Ugh… dammit…
• Give Up Mountain Dew – Ugh… double dammit… still better than I was…
• Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – Not too bad but can always get better
• Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though I’m pretty sure she’s forgotten about me
• Use My Passport – That’s FINALLY coming up in May… cruise to Alaska with Dizzy (best Christmas & birthday present EVER), my mom & stepdad… basically five years after it was renewed
• Write a Children’s Book – I’m well on my way with making a comic & with being surrounded by artistically talented family & friends, it makes for a great start to my future literary domination! Watch yo ass, Stan Lee!
• Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – I’m still relaxing & taking things as they come…
• Look for the Next Step – Eyes are open...
• Survive the Apocalypse – I’m still surviving like a f**king CHAMPION!!! Aaaaaand queue the quake…

 

Anyway, hope that you all enjoyed this. I've got some laundry & other things to do since I came back from Utah so... feel free to check out some of the links above & I'll catch up on the Utah Adventure probably this weekend... and I'll likely have more adventures by then too. A HAPPY 2014 TO YOU ALL!!!

2012 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again… time to hand out the world’s most prestigious awards. Forget the Academy Awards, the Nobel Prize, the Medal of Honor, all those other cheap trinkets out there… tonight, we celebrate the past 12 months with…

The 2012 $tevies

So as you know, about six years ago, I stumbled upon this stupid questionnaire back when MySpace was relevant & have been doing it ever since… but it’s a good little template for self-reflection… and reflection on the year that was 2012. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve also added links so that you can go “back into time” and witness some of these events if you would like. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Aside from that though, I’m being extremely lazy this year… and once again, I’m not even going to present my own awards. That’s right, I run this b**ch… and I’ve decided to ask some more of my friends to help me out. More like tell them that they’re going to help with absolutely no explicit written or implied verbal consent of using their likenesses or caricatures. Allow me to introduce & turn the festivities over to our host of the prestigious $tevies this year… RoboCop…

“Good evening, citizens. Tonight's prerogative is the dispensing of metallic statutes to winning candidates determined by electoral process. Touch your palms together repeatedly for the first figurehead to distribute said awards, Sterling Archer..."

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: “Hello there everyone... yes, it is I, Sterling Archer, the world's greatest secret agent. SUCK IT, BOND!!! I am here to... LINE!!! Oh yeah... I am here to give this thing to... I don't know, somebody this guy got drunk with I think. Envelope please! What? What? WHAT? Oh sh*t, it's up here on the podium? Thank you, snooty Theatre degree holder who's too ugly for the stage... and the winner is... BUBBLES? Seriously, you have a friend named BUBBLES? What the sh*t? Are you a reclusive king of pop without a childhood? That's great, everybody should have a monkey to drink with. IT'S A WOMAN!!! She had better have ginormous breasts for a name like... what's that? Oh she does... very well then. I assume she will now come up here for the award & complimentary chest massage that goes along with this incredible achievement via the world's greatest secret agent. Oh, she's not here? What the hell kind of awards show is this? Are you sponsored by Blockbuster Video or something? Later Gator..."

 

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): "Hello everyone, I'm Joe Montana. Many of you on the internet know me as that guy from the commercials about the shoes with the supporting arches... but I was once the greatest quarterback to ever live. I'm here tonight to give due to a good friend for many many years... Isaiah. Now that his friend $teve is living here in San Francisco, hanging out with me on Sundays as we talk about the good ol' days of football, he often mentions this guy... mostly in phrases like 'My buddy Isaiah would literally sh*t himself if he knew that I was hanging out with Joe Montana' or 'You know who else would like to play with your trophies like action figures, my buddy Isaiah.' It's great... and a great way to show that he misses this guy even when he's here in the Bay Area living the good life. So this one's for you, Isaiah. Catch!" (Bionic Man noise as he button hooks a $tevie from the Bay to Isaiah's couch) "Gratitude, football cyborg. Transition to next award."

 

NEWCOMER AWARD: "Hello everybody, my name is Adriana Lima. As a long time admirer of $teve aka Dr Mookie Love, I is so proud to present dees award for New-cummer of ze year... to Miss Dizzy. Since I have tried to move on from the unstoppable attractive force that is heem, by marrying a man as close as I could to his exact dimensions (Marko Jaric), I know how luckys you is to be wit such a man... and I no heez happy that you be wit heem. Gracias Miss Dizzy... and don't take advantage of heem... for he is the wind... and no woman can contain heem... sigh... he's still the talk of the annual show backstage with all of the other angels... oh no, it is so steamy in here with all of the ladies thinking about heem that RoboCop isn't working right..." "Warning! Warning! Malfunction! Malfunction! New p-p-p-prime directive is to dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance FREEZE! Now shake your posterior vigorously! WARNING! KANYE & KARDASHIAN ARE WITHIN THE PERIMETER!!!"

SONG FOR 2012: "WE'RE PREGGERS!!! You all still care, right? Irregardless, we are here to present the award for song of the year... but cuz most new music is all auto-tuned to hell, y'all welcome, and Adele gets all the love in the world, there's no award this year... I just wanted to come up here & show you my baby mama's ace! THE ROC IS IN THE BUILDING!!! On to the next one..."

 

MOVIE FOR 2012: "Okay $teve, I get it... you haven't seen my new movie Django Unchained yet, u'kay u'kay... I get it, movie tickets are ridiculously expensive, you were busy during the holidays, whatever. And this was a year with a lot of competition... I mean you had the Avengers movie, which was like six superhero movies in one... you had the classy picture Lincoln with Daniel Day-Lewis actin' his ass off... and you even had a bunch of hyped crap like the last Harry Potter, the last Twilight & even other movies dealing with slavery like mine & Lincoln... but instead it was Lincoln hunting f**king vampires who kept slavery going? Really? Come on... even I think that's ridiculous... and you know I've seen just about every movie ever made. The thing that gets me though... is this was supposed to be the year... when you finally matched up my brilliance... against the Batman... head to head... mano e mano... and you gave this award to f**king BATMAN for "Dark Knight Rises" saying that you haven't seen the other one. I specifically held out until the last week of the year so that you would have it fresh in your mind for these awards... and you f**ked me! I demand to know.... right now... head to head... mano y mano... who's it going to be? Me? Or the Bat? Whoa, watch it Tin Man!" "Time limit exceeded! Vacate the stage for the next presenter, the Batman!"

VIDEO GAME FOR 2012: (Christian Bale's Batman voice) "I'm Batman... and this year had some great new video game titles for the PS3 video console... and $teve even had time to play some of them this year. So did he pick MY game, Arkham City? It's a great game... how about Assassin’s Creed III? It's a lot like me... but traveling through time or something, I don't know... the story's a little out there... but you get the idea, they're just kinda trying to rip me off. Still, pretty awesome... because I'm Batman... and everything within three degrees of me is awesome... but the game that $teve probably played the most this year was NCAA Football 2013. That's right, a football game... but this one actually has a lot of versatility & game modes that he really likes more than any recent game that he's purchased... but all are great games... and since Barry Sanders isn't going to come take this award... I'll take it on his beha... wait a minute... where did it go?" Pops up behind Batman, "Ah-ha! It is I, Ezio Auditore! I have stolen the award from under you... Deuces!" (smoke bomb & both disappear)

TV SHOW FOR 2012: "Good evening everyone, great to see you, welcome to the Report... oh wait, sorry, force of habit, I'm Stephen Colbert! (hold for applause) Yes... yes... Yes, I know... I'm happy to see me too... but I am not here for me... I am here, for another me... another fellow great $teve... and to present this award for the greatest TV show of 2012... and though there are great shows out there like Game of Thrones, Archer, Breaking Bad & countless others... this award should be for new shows... or at least newly discovered... so narrowly beating out My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding... we have... VH1's Couples Therapy starring the great, the one... and thankfully the only... tonight's musical guest, Sir Earl Simmons... or perhaps better known as... DMX, WHAT'S MY MUTHA F**KIN NAAAAME!!!"

 "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, WHAT??? COME ON!!!"

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: "Since I'm already up here... he was Waldo again for Halloween... yeah, he totally phoned it in..."

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: "He also likes Jacques dans le Boite... so here's the next presenter... and a good friend of $teve... Mister Adam Carolla"

BOOK OF THE YEAR: “Hey everybody, $teve read my book 'In Fifty Years, We’ll All Be Chicks' from a few years ago... and my new audio book 'Not Taco Bell Material... so that's pretty f**king awesome... I'm not sure what else you guys need to know about the book or anything... but it's basically stories of my life... and a bunch of rants from a bitter old white guy... not entirely unlike this blog... so yeah, if you like this, you might like them... is that good? Do I get my check now? Thanks.”

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: "Oh... and since I'm up here... I'll tell you who's a real douchebag... whoever the hell is making everything so f**king expensive nowadays despite being in a recession. Whoever that is needs to get raped by a chainsaw... anyway, that's all I have to say about that... have a great night everybody... back to you, RoboPig!"

"Ladies & gentlemen, prepare for introductions of the guest of honor. Welcome... The $teve!!! (Roaring applause, fireworks, panties flock to the stage)

“Thank you! Thank you so much for coming out! Can I get a woot woot for our fantastic presenters? (Hold for applause) They were great. They truly went above & beyond what I would have paid them. Well, thank you all for yet another great year. 2012 was a biggie. The world didn't blow up... I got laid repeatedly… things were just good all around... and so here are a few of my awards that I'm just going to run through real quick because I know you all have parties to get to this new year...”

BEST RELATIONSHIP: YAY!!! I finally have a legitimate answer for this one!!! Dizzy!!! If you don’t know her… then you don’t read my blog… or hers… but yeah, she’s pretty f**king amazing… and she would have to be for me to continue hanging out with her sooooo… yeah.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: I watched "Cannibal the Musical" and "Orgazmo" with Dizzy... and apparently back then I wasn't looking for anything serious... remember? Well, we're doing it now... but still hanging out... so yeah, that's cool. 

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Just being more open to everything... and basically just doing what I need to do to be happy... that's really about it...

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Keep on doing what I'm doing... only more so... and I've already got a good plan set up to keep it moving...

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Sigh… f**king St Patrick’s Day keeps popping up on this one!!! After several liters of fine Czech beer, some a-hole decided to start buying shots… and of course, guys can’t be topped, so then other guys are buying shots, then you time travel to the next morning feeling like sh*t & having to go to work because you’re a G. That was pretty much the worst that I “went IN” this year… but hey, I had a lot of fun before the alcohol took effect, nobody got hurt (except maybe a wallet here & there), and I woke up with a beautiful young lady by my side so… can’t really beat that with a baseball bat. Chu’ch!!!

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: I DIDN’T MOVE THIS YEAR!!! (Strikes up the band & drops balloons from the ceiling)

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Christmas I guess... but also winning Employee of the Quarter was pretty awesome... and I had some fun vacation... but yeah, Christmas wins.

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Don't wanna jinx it... but there really haven't been too many low points. Probably when Dizzy & I's trip to Mount Shasta was kinda ruined when her car was stolen & the establishment that was set to prosecute & help her get her car back were lacking to say the least... but all in all, it was still a fun time with her... and nothing horrible happened. Just frustrating more than anything... and if that's the low point, you really can't complain.

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas... as usual...

Last Year’s REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS Review (still in effect for 2013 as well):

• Date Dammit! – Checkity-check-check!
• Learn Another Language – Ugh… dammit… this makes like 5 years in a row…
• Give Up Mountain Dew – I was doing real good... until about May… but still better than I was…
• Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I’ve had the gym membership for a while now & was doing pretty good… until about May… and now I have a quarterly Bacon Day which doesn’t help the diet aspect at all… but yeah, not too bad but can always get better
• Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though I’m pretty sure she’s forgotten about me
• Use My Passport – She still needs stamps but plans are in the works…
• Write a Children’s Book – I’m well on my way with making a comic & with being surrounded by artistically talented family & friends, it makes for a great start to my future literary domination! Watch yo ass, Stan Lee!
• Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – I’ve really learned to just relax & take things as they come… for example, Employee of the Quarter at work! Proof, pudding, BOOM!!!
• Look for the Next Step – I’m really working on “the Plan” as Bubbles so eloquently put it a while back… and things are moving along nicely.
• Survive the Apocalypse – Though San Francisco seems to be the epicenter of every disaster in movies from X-Men to Rise of the Planet of the Apes to Towering Inferno to The Birds to Mission: Impossible to whatever, I survived like a f**king CHAMPION!!! Now I just have to wait for the next Y2K to outlast…

 

Thanks for coming out ladies & gentlemen... drive home safely... anything else left to say RoboCop?

 

"END TRANSMISSION!!!"