Avengers: The Age of Max

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

  

Saturday, we decided to go to a matinee at Cerrito Theatre… and oddly enough, Big Ben & his family did too… we saw them in line… and then we saw “Avengers: Age of Ultron” starring… the Marvel Cinematic Universe. You know the actors & characters… and if you don’t, you checked out a LONG time ago. Basically the story starts out with the Avengers attacking a Hydra (bad guys from previous movies) stronghold to recapture an ultra-powerful scepter… and incidentally release two new foes, the Maximoff twins (Quiksilver & Scarlet Witch, played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson & Elisabeth Olsen… who played a married couple in their last movie “Godzilla”, don’t think about that though). While the Avengers have the scepter, Iron Man decides that it’d be a good idea to use it to make artificial intelligence using its power.. you know, so that they can achieve world peace… and spoiler alert, it doesn’t happen… and he ends up making a super-powerful robot called Ultron (voiced by James Spader) who spends the rest of the movie making a horde of indestructible robots that he can transfer his conscience through (using the internet, which he also runs now) and there’s a floating island and… you know, what? I’m not going to be able to do a good job in making this sounds like a good movie… but trust me, it’s better than a lot of people are giving it credit for. It’s a huge movie event… so there are gonna be things to knit-pick… but yeah, it’s an action movie. Here are my quick pros & cons:

 

What I Like About This Movie

·         Getting Everybody Involved – It’s a massive cinematic universe… it’s actually easier to tell you who from the previous movies is NOT in here (Gwyneth Paltrow & Natalie Portman) and they even added another dozen or so including…

 

·         Andy Serkis – Because there wasn’t enough big names in this movie, they brought in the Great Andy Serkis as Ulysses Klaw who will probably be in the Black Panther movie, which I’m okay with… and other new faces include the twins (mentioned before), the voice of James Spader, and Hawkeye’s family with his wife Velma from “Scooby Doo”

 

What I Didn’t Like About This Movie

·         The Floating Island – Yes, THIS was the point in this movie of superheroes and such that I just gave up on the Physics like I’m watching “Interstellar” or a Syfy movie… but yeah, even given the stuff like the magnetic/force field used to making it fly… then why are people falling off the edge?

 

·         Ultron’s Motivation – Look, you’re an indestructible robot who utilizes the internet as your plaything with (apparently) limitless vibranium resources to make thousands of clones and such… who’s threatening you? Just run sh*t! No need to wipe out all humans… you want to destroy the world K2 style and then NOT have your resources? Logic flawed!!!

 

·         It Wasn’t Infinity War or Civil War – Quick cockteasing me!!! F**k the anticipatory foreplay, let’s get down!!!

 

Yeah, go check it out… it’s no Mad Max: Fury Road… but on that note…

 

We rewatched the rest of the Mad Max trilogy starting with “Mad Max 2: Road Warrior” starring Mel Gibson & directed by George Miller. In this installment, Max (Gibson) is wandering the wasteland of post-apocalyptic Earth and stumbles upon a small oil refinery community… and he’s out of gas… but there’s also a band of marauders who are looking to take it over, get the gas & kill everybody inside… probably after some rapening. So then it works out that Max isn’t a complete dick & tries to save them… while saving himself. Before Fury Road, this was the best Mad Max movie… not just my opinion, basically FACT. Google it. There’s great action & intrigue throughout… and I highly recommend that you see this as soon as possible… and then go see Fury Road.

 

Later that night, we also watched the finale of the original trilogy “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome” starring Mel Gibson and… Tina Turner. Yes, THAT Tina Turner… who also provided the soundtrack. Ugh… okay… in this installment Mad Max (with really long 80’s hair) is inexplicably surprise camel-drawn-wagon-jacked by one of the people that he saved in Mad Max 2… and then follows him to Bartertown, the Mos Eisley of this realm… where people come to trade their goods, get some companionship, and just not die if at all possible. Well, he goes in to get his camel-drawn wagon & supplies back… and then stumbles upon a political coup when the mayor of Bartertown (Turner) who’s trying to killer Master Blaster, who’s running the pig sh*t farm that this city (and plot) is built upon. Okay… so in summation, there’s THUNDERDOME which is a duel to the death… then there’s a surprise group of children who save Max… and a train… but did you notice one thing that I haven’t mentioned about this movie? Anything that’s missing from the plot outline? F**KING CARS!!! THERE’S NO CARS IN THIS CAR-CHASE MOVIE UNTIL… about 80 minutes in… and even then, it’s the bad guys who have the cars… and they’re on a train… which apparently still runs just fine on a clean track and… INEXCUSEABLE!!! Ugh… look, it’s easy to mock this movie… I mean… Tina Turner is the 2^nd billed ACTOR in this movie. Is it a horrible movie? Not at all… seriously, the potential of this movie is f**king amazing… and I want to see the sequel to Fury Road be a reimagining of this concept in some way… but yeah, it’s not great… and almost killed the franchise… until 30 years later when it RISES LIKE A PHOENIX IN FURY ROAD!!! SERIOUSLY GO SEE THAT MOVIE!!! “PITCH PERFECT 2” IS THE #1 MOVIE IN THE AMERICA!!! MEANWHILE FURY ROAD MADE ABOUT HALF AS MUCH MONEY & IS AT 98% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES!!! THAT MAKES ME ASHAMED TO BE A F**KING AMERICAN!!!

   

Earlier in the week, we were forwarded an email (possibly propaganda) about 20 horror movies available on Netflix that we should check out. We’d already seen three of them… but we figured that we’d watch some of the rest, if not all. First up was “Housebound” which is the story of New Zealand troublemaker (Morgana O’Reilly) who is arrested and sentenced to 8 months of house arrest… at her mother’s house. That’s right… moving back in with your mom & stepfather… what could be worse? Well, what if your well-intentioned blabbermouth mother also thinks that the mouth is haunted… and after a few days, event cause you to believe her. That’s about all I’m going to give you about the story… but I would highly recommend checking this movie out. It’s not super gory or anything… the acting is decent… the suspense is great… the story is even pretty decent with just a little disbelief. For example, I was trying to figure out how old the main character was supposed to be. In the story, she seems like she might be anywhere between 17 & 22 because she’s apparently fresh out of school… but the actress is obviously in her late twenties… but I just assume that’s why they mention that she’s on meth (quickly, but she’s pretty gorgeous for meth head, just saying maybe it aged her a bit)… and there are a few other things that you’ll just have to wave off… but overall, check this movie out! Support independent movies from Kiwi Hobbit World!

 

Next up was a movie called “Late Phases” starring Nick Damici & Ethan Embry (was in “Can’t Hardly Wait”, “Empire Records” & “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle” but has honestly not aged well) and is the story of an aging wounded war vet (Damici) who moves to a retirement community where people are dying of mysterious circumstances… like BEING TORN TO F**KING SHREDS!!! Okay, I really do recommend checking this movie out… I want to get that out of the way right away because it’s a good flick & Nick Damici does a good job at playing a blind iron-resolute vet who seems amazed that everybody around him is f**king stupid… and the other actors do pretty well, including Tom Noonan who I haven’t seen in a while… you can see him as a priest with a beard. There are also some great teases that show that the writers have obviously seen past werewolf movies like “Silver Bullet” (there’s a priest involved AND an eye-patch guy) and others of the ilk. My main problem with this movie… is that EVERYBODY IS SO F**KING STUPID!!! The police? F**king useless… like even more so than they are in real life. “Eh, maybe it’s dogs doing it.” THEN KILL THE F**KING DOGS!!! The neighbors & other people in the retirement community? Friends & member of your community are dropping like flies… and not the peacefully in their sleep way as you might expect… more like screaming & being torn asunder… so what do you do? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! No heightened security, no extra camera footage (like three cameras in the whole sprawling city and two are at the front gate?), all kinds of stupid sh*t that you just have to say… “Okay, they all long for death’s sweet embrace & the people running the community have a lot of prepaid leases and a healthy waiting list for new entries… I’ll go with that… I guess.” Aside from that though, I liked this movie… made me think of my dad a little bit (sadly) and he would’ve probably liked this movie… picture a blind Charles Bronson going against a legion of werewolves… you’re welcome!

 

We also watched an odd little movie called “Volcano High” that… apparently was a Korean martial arts movie set in a high school where I guess everybody has super fighting powers… insert the new kid protagonist… and was on MTV for a while back in the early 2000’s. Now, I like martial arts movies… even the ones bordering on anime… but why would I watch this one as opposed to the hundreds, thousands of others? Well… this one was dubbed into English… but some of the biggest hip hop artists of the day… namely Snoop Dogg, Method Man, Andre 3000 & Big Boi of Outkast, Kelis, Mya, even Li’l Jon before he blew the f**k up… and random ass selections like the late great Pat Morita& Tracy Morgan. Intrigued, right? Yeah, me too! Well… the movie was okay… the lead guy especially had some amazing Jim Carrey-esque goofy smiles and stuff that was entertaining… the story is… well, it’s what you expect… and fighting scenes are okay loaded with special effects & reality bending… but it’s what you expect. My knit-pick… is that everything seems to be in super slow motion when they fight… to the point where I’m pretty sure a regular speed version of this movie… would last about 22 minutes, your average sitcom episode. Anyway, do you need to check it out? Of course not… but then again, that got me thinking about doing some ADR work for other foreign language movies… but these ones are actually good… so I give you my ADR nominations for the English dubbing… of “Raid: Redemption”!!!

 

Now, because it’s so jam packed with action, there’s not a whole lot of dialogue required to dub… I feel like Rama, the protagonist supercop could be voiced by… Eminem. Hear me out! Why Eminem? Because you can understand what he says… regardless of what Sly, Arnie, JCVD & others might say that’s pretty f**king important. Plus, he has a more miniscule, almost childish voice that he can use to give some empathy towards the hero. One thing from “Volcano High” that irritated me was Andre 3000 voicing the main guy who’s supposed to be kinda nerdy… Andre 3000 sounds cool as f**k all damn day… every day. Plus… you get a lot of raging Eminem “Ha-YA!!!”s once the fights start… you’re welcome!

 

I also like the idea of the injured officer Bowo being voiced by the great R. Kelly. Why? Why the hell not? That velvety voice would sing-song it’s way through his moans of pain... and I just like the idea.

 

Now for the crime lord Tama Riyadi... you'd think that I'd go with some boss like mutha f**k like Jay-Z... and that's an interesting pick... and I'd watch that movie... probably twice. We're talking about the "final boss" in this basically video game movie... and to have Jigga yelling out orders & runnin' sh*t from the top floor would be nice... but I'm casting Jay-Z's voice (if he has time) as the police commissioner barking out orders or something. Instead, I'm giving Tama's role to...

 

DMX!!! That rough, gravely, crazy voice with emphasis EVERYWHERE... you know it's the right decision. This show would be epic... how is this not already done? DMX should be in everything.

 

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight... busy little weekend coming up with Izzy's graduation & her family in town. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Support our troops!!!

Top Five & Other Random Movies

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

I’ve watched a few movies this past week-plus, so I thought that I’d catch you up on them:

 

First off was “The Elephant Man” starring Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Hurt & directed by the eccentric genius David Lynch (“Eraserhead”, “Twin Peaks”, etc). The movie is about the AMAZING TRUE STORY of a man whose body was SERIOUSLY disfigured and how one doctor took him from a sideshow attraction to somewhat prominence in turn-of-the-century London. I know… it sounds like some kind of “Blind Side” movie where rich whitey takes a poor, unfortunate soul and turns them into an NFL Player… but it’s not that at all. The movie is in black & white, which basically seems like the right choice for this movie in general to make it kind of a classic story… but also, the makeup for the Elephant Man may have been completely distracting. That being said… the story is great… and the makeup is so good that it led to the creation of an Academy Award for makeup the following year, because they academy thought work like this should be recognized. There are a few moments in the movie that are… well, Lynch-esque… like the opening few seconds… I’m pretty sure that a woman is being raped by an elephant, not “trampled” as was told later in the movie. So I highly recommend that you check this movie out… great performances all around (except for a few cockney extras) and just a great lesson in movie making & revealing surprise twists. I enjoyed it immensely.

   

Next up was the Academy’s Best Picture of 1973, “The Sting” starring Robert Redford, Paul Newman & Robert Shaw. Set in Depression-era Chicago, this movie is about a young con man (Redford) whose partner is killed by a criminal banker mastermind (Shaw) and he seeks REVENGE!!! However, he can’t just walk up & off the guy… then expect to live… so he asks for the help of a master confidence man (Newman) to get REVENGE… and maybe rich at the same time. I had never seen this movie growing up… but had heard good things… and it certainly didn’t disappoint. I’m not going to reveal any more than the premise really… but if you’re a fan of movies like the “Ocean’s 11” trilogy or intricate little spy thrillers and stuff of that guild, then you’ve probably already seen this movie… but if somehow you haven’t, then absolutely check this out! You’ll actually see a LOT of things that’re pretty standard now over forty years later… but yeah, it’s still semi-fresh & worst-case scenario… ladies, you get to look at Redford & Newman for over two hours… gentlemen, you get to see wit & VENGEANCE!!! It’s just a fun little romp with various twists and turns along the way… so check it out! Classic!

 

Sunday night, we watched one of the most talked about horror movies of the past year called “The Babadook” starring Essie Davis and written-directed by Jennifer Kent (don’t worry, you haven’t seen anything else they’ve done unless you’re in Australia I think). The movie is about a single mother (Davis) who husband died in a horrific car crash while she was pregnant… and now she’s raising a seven-year old son… but the son is acting… let’s face it, he’s acting f**king nuts. He may have a learning disability… but kudos to the child actor playing him… because he really got under my f**king nerves. Anyway, one day she’s putting her son to bed when he pulls a children’s book from off the shelf… but it’s a book they’ve never seen before… called “The Babadook” and… it’s easily one of the creepiest things you’ll ever read… so of course, the son LOVES IT!!! As the days go by, the son gets more & more disturbed and talks about Babadook being in the room & freaking out… and basically there’s a demonic presence that makes itself known… and now the mother starts losing it with sleep deprivation and… demonic possession? The story goes from there and again, I’m not going to ruin it. What I REALLY like about this movie… is that it’s basically, in my opinion, a perspective piece on mental illness and/or post-traumatic stress disorder. Who do I come to that? Well, the story centers around two people, the mother & the son. Everybody is really only in the story as ancillary characters to be like “You sound f**king insane! You know that, right?” or “Your son is out of control!” and stuff like that. However, nobody really sees this Babadook… or even this book… except those two. The mother having an incredibly difficult time since her husband gruesome death right in front of her eyes & feeling somewhat responsible for it… and then a young, impressionable child raised by that same person, so no real frame of reference for what’s considered sane. So is there really a demonic presence in the house? Or is it just her mental breakdown finally coming to fruition? It keeps it kind of hazy… much like “Oculus” that came out the year before… but yeah, I’d definitely recommend checking it out.

 

Last up this entry is “Top Five” starring Chris Rock (writer-director-star), Rosario Dawson, JB Smoove and a HOST of great cameos including Gabrielle Union, Cedric the Entertainer, Anders Holm, Tracy Morgan and a bunch of others that I don’t want to spoil… but are definitely fun. The plot is about a famous comedian movie star (basically Chris Rock playing a version of himself) who has decided that he wants to do a serious movie… about the Haitian slave revolution called “Uprize” which… just sounds horrible, even as a parody. He has a reality-TV star fiancée (Union) and is out promoting his new movie venture… when he meets up with a young female reporter with the NY Post (Dawson) and they basically spend the day together talking about his motivations for things during his career. It’s actually a pretty well done little flick in that respect… there are moments of great conflict involved in his decisions, weakness of character, strength in overcoming adversities, all that kind of stuff… except there was one part that REALLY didn’t need to be part of it (you’ll know it when you see it, trust me) but overall, I’d highly recommend checking this movie out. It’s poignant for perspective on the life of comedians & actors… and yeah, there are a few things thrown in like the love interest angles, odd character conflicts, stuff like that… but hey, that’s what you need for a movie to work, not just a documentary or set piece or something. It’s a pretty good little flick… but yeah, you’ll know what part I’m talking about. Guaranteed. Oh… and whole top five thing is a running thing where characters in the movie (mostly his family) talk about their Top Five all-time rappers… and it’s all over the place with everyone from Rakim to LL Cool J to Biggie to Nas and so on… but yeah, that’s why it’s the movie’s title. On that note…

 

My Top Five… since you asked:

 

1.       Jay-Z – He’s been slipping a little bit the past few years… but he’s a Business, MAAAN!!! He has children with Beyonce. Game won!

2.       Eminem – Yes, there are definitely songs (and some albums) that you could absolutely pass on… but when he’s on, he’s on.

3.       Notorious B.I.G. – Too soon… too soon…

4.       Tupac Shakur – Too soon… too soon… almost feel like if he’s made it to his forties, his mindset would be better suited for it. He could share hosting duties for Award Shows with LL Cool J. You know… so LL could take a weekend off or something.

5.       DMX – Yes… DMX is in my Top 5… “WHAT???” I loved DMX… and the market did too for his first five albums, all debuting at #1 in the 90’s & early 00’s. He was also a large-budget movie star in “Belly”, “Cradle 2 Da Grave”, “Exit Wounds”, “Never Die Alone” and others… but unfortunately, crack cocaine is a helluva drug… and he’s made some serious mistakes in his life. OH GOD, have you SEEN VH1’s “Couples Therapy” Season 1? Greatest f**king reality TV EVER!!! I've mentioned this before. Anyway, I hope that he can get his sh*t together… because when he was on, he was on. Rough, raw, real… and rumbly… grrrrrrrrrr… (insert dog barks)

 

My 6^th man is Ma$e… f**k you, it’s my list! “Harlem World” was ahead of its time. I’m a product of 90’s and early 00’s rap… that’s the era that made me. Yes, I love what little I’ve heard from KRS-One, Slick Rick & all those guys from the 80’s… but it’s not what I was raised on. Anything made after 2005, I think is basically horsesh*t with a few exceptions like Macklemore and a few other singles out there. Lyric for lyric, line for line, yeah… those are my Top Five… deal with it. I know… you don’t care… I’m just being semi-confrontational to show my resolve in this matter. Busta Rhymes almost made it on the list… and WU TANG CLAN as a group would absolutely be on there… but mostly due to the large bulk of both artists and a great disparity between their great licks & horrible rhyming nonsense… they didn’t make it.

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for today… Tomorrow is Steve-toberfest!!! An epic celebration of my birth some 34 years ago!!! Tell all your friends & bring a boot to drink from!!! Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Sweetest of the Sweet Science

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

So… I kinda hafta get this out first & foremost because… well, you’ll see…

 

RETURN OF DMX – Yes… the multi-platinum rap GOD, star of Season 1 of “Couples Therapy”, and occasion Christmas carol enthusiast is returning to the limelight… and it’s even better than you think. This time, he'll be stepping into a boxing ring… against everybody’s favorite neighborhood watchman George Zimmerman. Yes… Hate Crime will be coming to your TV set in the near future… with commercials. Although no contract has been signed, a promoter is negotiating the bout as we speak. "DMX has promised to 'beat his ass,' but no contract or paperwork has been signed or agreed to yet," DMX spokesman Domenick Nati told CNN Wednesday. Best part: Zimmerman said the celebrity boxing match was HIS IDEA!!! Boxing was his hobby, he told Radar Online last month, even prior to the "incident." The incident, of course, is the February 2012 encounter in which he shot dead an unarmed 17-year old Trayvon Martin. He stood trial for murder but was acquitted last year. "Prior to the incident, I was actually going to the gym for weight loss and doing boxing-type training for weight loss," he told Radar. "A mutual friend put me in contact with Damon and provided me with an opportunity and motivation to get back in shape and continue with my weight loss goals and also be able to help a charity out." Damon is Damon Feldman, owner of Celebrity Boxing and a self-described opportunist whose claim to fame is putting together bizarre matchups. Think Tonya Harding, Michael Lohan. He said last week that he was accepting offers for someone to step into the ring for a three-round, pay-per-view fight with Zimmerman. "The news has been out for an hour and my e-mail is overloaded with 8,000 people wanting to fight George," Feldman told CNN on Thursday. Early Wednesday morning, he said he'd picked the contender. Out of more than 15,000 e-mailed requests, he's going with DMX. Praise Jesus! "The match will be one of the Biggest Celebrity Boxing matches of all time," his news release said (uppercase emphasis his). But in order to find out where and when it will take place, we'll have to wait until next week. Feldman said Wednesday he was shooting for March 15^th. Of course… if you’re looking for a fair fight… DMX is who you want in the ring. He's out for blood, he told TMZ. Not only will he break every rule in boxing, he said, he'll "beat the living (expletive)" out of Zimmerman. Not everyone welcomes the chance to see Zimmerman taking punches… even if it’s HIS IDEA!!! Rev. Al Sharpton told a Los Angeles group Wednesday that he was concerned "about the precedent that it sets." Yes… Rev. Al Sharpton doesn’t like the idea of grown men getting paid money to fight. I wonder how he feels about boxing in general… or the predominant denomination of athletes who make their living at it professionally. You know, Tommy Morrison and such. Too soon? "We must be very careful not to glorify or in any way sidestep the implications of making someone whose only claim to fame was killing an unarmed young man named Trayvon Martin into a cultural celebrity or hero," Sharpton said. A petition has been launched on Change.org calling for the planned boxing event to be canceled. "This is a blatant show of disrespect and nothing positive or righteous would come from such a stunt," it reads. Yes… it’s horrible… but George Zimmerman wants to do it… Earl Simmons wants to do it (DMX)… they’ll both be compensated… whatever. Let it be, Reverend. Besides… who doesn’t want to watch a man who’s overcome everything from child abuse… to crack addiction… to a top rapper… to a Hollywood leading man… in & outta jail… and now, he’s going in the ring against a guy who’s famous for doing stupid sh*t that the laws in Florida condone. THERE WILL BE BLOOD!!! And I want to see it spilt. More to come…

 

Tuesday night, I watched “You’re Next” starring… well, it’s a horror flick so you may recognize a few faces… but the only I did was a guy I knew from a few Farrelly Brothers flicks in the mid-90’s. The story revolves around a very well-to-do family who meet at their isolated summer home in the woods to celebrate their parents’ wedding anniversary… but then some unexpected visitors start picking off family members with crossbows… and machetes… and it goes from there. That’s really the whole story… and yes, it’s VERY predictable, even the “twists” that they throw in… but overall, not horrible for a horror flick… just that it’s been done over & over again. Better than most I’d say though. There are a couple parts that are just really cheesy… but hey, that’s half the reason that you watch, right? Yeah… pretty standard… that’s about all I gotta say about that.

  

Wednesday night, I was invited to a special screening of “The Monuments Men” starring George Clooney (also directed & co-wrote), Matt Damon, John Goodman, Bill Murray, Cate Blanchette and a host of others. This tells the true story (by Hollywood standards) of a group of art professors, architects, etc. who braved WWII to find & return countless pieces of incredible art during the final days of WWII. See, as the History Channel will confirm, Hitler’s plans were to take almost all of the art in Europe (and eventually the world) and move it to his epicly massive Fuhrer Museum that we planned to build in his hometown of Linz, Austria as a symbol of his Third Reich being the epicenter of all culture in the world. So while he was invading & taking over countries… he would then send in specialists (similar to the Monuments Men) in to get the art and send it back to Germany for storage until construction was completed. Well, then they ended up losing ground… and so then they started storing the works of art in secret locations… and then when their defeat seemed imminent, the orders were to simply destroy the art and wipe away a very large part of European culture along with it. Literally MILLIONS of pieces of art were involved in this epic snatch-and-grab job. So that’s where these Monuments Men come in… and try to find & take back all of the art before it’s destroyed. The problem is not only the Germans burning the art… but the Russian have their own team doing the exact same thing, looking for the art in order to start paying reparations for the 20 million people who died in the war. So then it’s a race against the clock… and by the way, it’s a bunch of middle aged art nerds in the middle of WWII.

 

I really enjoyed this movie… but it’s exactly what you would expect. There’s a few surprises but no real major twists. Americans & Brits are the good guys… the Germans& Russians are bad… the French are arrogant & so on. Some of the jokes may be a little high brow than I’m used to… and others were just… not that funny… but you know, it didn’t really drag on until a little towards the end. It’s a full two hours… you’ll have a few laughs… you’ll see a great historical story… it’s what you want it to be. No more, no less. Another special treat of this screening was that it was hosted or something by The Legion of Honor Museum (they have a few of the recovered pieces by the way) and one of the actual Monuments Men was able to attend… which by my calculations would’ve made him like… 95 to 125 years old. They presented him… and I’m pretty sure that he had no idea what was going on… but still, kinda cool. I’d recommend checking the movie out… but not necessarily in a theatre where they’re going to charge you $15 a pop… unless maybe you’re a well-to-do art student. I think Dizzy would really like it… and maybe get some of the jokes that missed with me.

 

Thursday night, Dizzy, Jackie D & I went to Brainstormer Trivia Night at Rogue Ales Public House in North Beach. It’s exactly what it sounds like… drunk people form teams (some are veterans there every week) and compete with trivial knowledge & offensive team names. Our team name of “Harry Seaward” was tame considered to some others… like “Philip Seymour Hoffman – Five Days Sober” and “Putin, Eat My P**sy Riot”. Anyway, six rounds of questions running the gamut of popular culture… and basically rounds of beers to accompany them in order to win fabulous prizes. Well, despite my suspicions that some of the teams were blatantly cheating by using their phones… we finished 4^th on our first time staying until the end. I’m proud of us… and I feel like we can do better in the future… but we’ll see if I can afford it. We were there for about four hours so that we’d have a table so… drinks were had.

 

That’ll do it for tonight… join us next time when we’ll share all the adventures of SF Beer Week, starting today & running until next Sunday. It should be quite interesting… or at least I’ll try to make it seem interesting. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

2012 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again… time to hand out the world’s most prestigious awards. Forget the Academy Awards, the Nobel Prize, the Medal of Honor, all those other cheap trinkets out there… tonight, we celebrate the past 12 months with…

The 2012 $tevies

So as you know, about six years ago, I stumbled upon this stupid questionnaire back when MySpace was relevant & have been doing it ever since… but it’s a good little template for self-reflection… and reflection on the year that was 2012. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve also added links so that you can go “back into time” and witness some of these events if you would like. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Aside from that though, I’m being extremely lazy this year… and once again, I’m not even going to present my own awards. That’s right, I run this b**ch… and I’ve decided to ask some more of my friends to help me out. More like tell them that they’re going to help with absolutely no explicit written or implied verbal consent of using their likenesses or caricatures. Allow me to introduce & turn the festivities over to our host of the prestigious $tevies this year… RoboCop…

“Good evening, citizens. Tonight's prerogative is the dispensing of metallic statutes to winning candidates determined by electoral process. Touch your palms together repeatedly for the first figurehead to distribute said awards, Sterling Archer..."

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: “Hello there everyone... yes, it is I, Sterling Archer, the world's greatest secret agent. SUCK IT, BOND!!! I am here to... LINE!!! Oh yeah... I am here to give this thing to... I don't know, somebody this guy got drunk with I think. Envelope please! What? What? WHAT? Oh sh*t, it's up here on the podium? Thank you, snooty Theatre degree holder who's too ugly for the stage... and the winner is... BUBBLES? Seriously, you have a friend named BUBBLES? What the sh*t? Are you a reclusive king of pop without a childhood? That's great, everybody should have a monkey to drink with. IT'S A WOMAN!!! She had better have ginormous breasts for a name like... what's that? Oh she does... very well then. I assume she will now come up here for the award & complimentary chest massage that goes along with this incredible achievement via the world's greatest secret agent. Oh, she's not here? What the hell kind of awards show is this? Are you sponsored by Blockbuster Video or something? Later Gator..."

 

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): "Hello everyone, I'm Joe Montana. Many of you on the internet know me as that guy from the commercials about the shoes with the supporting arches... but I was once the greatest quarterback to ever live. I'm here tonight to give due to a good friend for many many years... Isaiah. Now that his friend $teve is living here in San Francisco, hanging out with me on Sundays as we talk about the good ol' days of football, he often mentions this guy... mostly in phrases like 'My buddy Isaiah would literally sh*t himself if he knew that I was hanging out with Joe Montana' or 'You know who else would like to play with your trophies like action figures, my buddy Isaiah.' It's great... and a great way to show that he misses this guy even when he's here in the Bay Area living the good life. So this one's for you, Isaiah. Catch!" (Bionic Man noise as he button hooks a $tevie from the Bay to Isaiah's couch) "Gratitude, football cyborg. Transition to next award."

 

NEWCOMER AWARD: "Hello everybody, my name is Adriana Lima. As a long time admirer of $teve aka Dr Mookie Love, I is so proud to present dees award for New-cummer of ze year... to Miss Dizzy. Since I have tried to move on from the unstoppable attractive force that is heem, by marrying a man as close as I could to his exact dimensions (Marko Jaric), I know how luckys you is to be wit such a man... and I no heez happy that you be wit heem. Gracias Miss Dizzy... and don't take advantage of heem... for he is the wind... and no woman can contain heem... sigh... he's still the talk of the annual show backstage with all of the other angels... oh no, it is so steamy in here with all of the ladies thinking about heem that RoboCop isn't working right..." "Warning! Warning! Malfunction! Malfunction! New p-p-p-prime directive is to dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance FREEZE! Now shake your posterior vigorously! WARNING! KANYE & KARDASHIAN ARE WITHIN THE PERIMETER!!!"

SONG FOR 2012: "WE'RE PREGGERS!!! You all still care, right? Irregardless, we are here to present the award for song of the year... but cuz most new music is all auto-tuned to hell, y'all welcome, and Adele gets all the love in the world, there's no award this year... I just wanted to come up here & show you my baby mama's ace! THE ROC IS IN THE BUILDING!!! On to the next one..."

 

MOVIE FOR 2012: "Okay $teve, I get it... you haven't seen my new movie Django Unchained yet, u'kay u'kay... I get it, movie tickets are ridiculously expensive, you were busy during the holidays, whatever. And this was a year with a lot of competition... I mean you had the Avengers movie, which was like six superhero movies in one... you had the classy picture Lincoln with Daniel Day-Lewis actin' his ass off... and you even had a bunch of hyped crap like the last Harry Potter, the last Twilight & even other movies dealing with slavery like mine & Lincoln... but instead it was Lincoln hunting f**king vampires who kept slavery going? Really? Come on... even I think that's ridiculous... and you know I've seen just about every movie ever made. The thing that gets me though... is this was supposed to be the year... when you finally matched up my brilliance... against the Batman... head to head... mano e mano... and you gave this award to f**king BATMAN for "Dark Knight Rises" saying that you haven't seen the other one. I specifically held out until the last week of the year so that you would have it fresh in your mind for these awards... and you f**ked me! I demand to know.... right now... head to head... mano y mano... who's it going to be? Me? Or the Bat? Whoa, watch it Tin Man!" "Time limit exceeded! Vacate the stage for the next presenter, the Batman!"

VIDEO GAME FOR 2012: (Christian Bale's Batman voice) "I'm Batman... and this year had some great new video game titles for the PS3 video console... and $teve even had time to play some of them this year. So did he pick MY game, Arkham City? It's a great game... how about Assassin’s Creed III? It's a lot like me... but traveling through time or something, I don't know... the story's a little out there... but you get the idea, they're just kinda trying to rip me off. Still, pretty awesome... because I'm Batman... and everything within three degrees of me is awesome... but the game that $teve probably played the most this year was NCAA Football 2013. That's right, a football game... but this one actually has a lot of versatility & game modes that he really likes more than any recent game that he's purchased... but all are great games... and since Barry Sanders isn't going to come take this award... I'll take it on his beha... wait a minute... where did it go?" Pops up behind Batman, "Ah-ha! It is I, Ezio Auditore! I have stolen the award from under you... Deuces!" (smoke bomb & both disappear)

TV SHOW FOR 2012: "Good evening everyone, great to see you, welcome to the Report... oh wait, sorry, force of habit, I'm Stephen Colbert! (hold for applause) Yes... yes... Yes, I know... I'm happy to see me too... but I am not here for me... I am here, for another me... another fellow great $teve... and to present this award for the greatest TV show of 2012... and though there are great shows out there like Game of Thrones, Archer, Breaking Bad & countless others... this award should be for new shows... or at least newly discovered... so narrowly beating out My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding... we have... VH1's Couples Therapy starring the great, the one... and thankfully the only... tonight's musical guest, Sir Earl Simmons... or perhaps better known as... DMX, WHAT'S MY MUTHA F**KIN NAAAAME!!!"

 "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, WHAT??? COME ON!!!"

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: "Since I'm already up here... he was Waldo again for Halloween... yeah, he totally phoned it in..."

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: "He also likes Jacques dans le Boite... so here's the next presenter... and a good friend of $teve... Mister Adam Carolla"

BOOK OF THE YEAR: “Hey everybody, $teve read my book 'In Fifty Years, We’ll All Be Chicks' from a few years ago... and my new audio book 'Not Taco Bell Material... so that's pretty f**king awesome... I'm not sure what else you guys need to know about the book or anything... but it's basically stories of my life... and a bunch of rants from a bitter old white guy... not entirely unlike this blog... so yeah, if you like this, you might like them... is that good? Do I get my check now? Thanks.”

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: "Oh... and since I'm up here... I'll tell you who's a real douchebag... whoever the hell is making everything so f**king expensive nowadays despite being in a recession. Whoever that is needs to get raped by a chainsaw... anyway, that's all I have to say about that... have a great night everybody... back to you, RoboPig!"

"Ladies & gentlemen, prepare for introductions of the guest of honor. Welcome... The $teve!!! (Roaring applause, fireworks, panties flock to the stage)

“Thank you! Thank you so much for coming out! Can I get a woot woot for our fantastic presenters? (Hold for applause) They were great. They truly went above & beyond what I would have paid them. Well, thank you all for yet another great year. 2012 was a biggie. The world didn't blow up... I got laid repeatedly… things were just good all around... and so here are a few of my awards that I'm just going to run through real quick because I know you all have parties to get to this new year...”

BEST RELATIONSHIP: YAY!!! I finally have a legitimate answer for this one!!! Dizzy!!! If you don’t know her… then you don’t read my blog… or hers… but yeah, she’s pretty f**king amazing… and she would have to be for me to continue hanging out with her sooooo… yeah.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: I watched "Cannibal the Musical" and "Orgazmo" with Dizzy... and apparently back then I wasn't looking for anything serious... remember? Well, we're doing it now... but still hanging out... so yeah, that's cool. 

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Just being more open to everything... and basically just doing what I need to do to be happy... that's really about it...

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Keep on doing what I'm doing... only more so... and I've already got a good plan set up to keep it moving...

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Sigh… f**king St Patrick’s Day keeps popping up on this one!!! After several liters of fine Czech beer, some a-hole decided to start buying shots… and of course, guys can’t be topped, so then other guys are buying shots, then you time travel to the next morning feeling like sh*t & having to go to work because you’re a G. That was pretty much the worst that I “went IN” this year… but hey, I had a lot of fun before the alcohol took effect, nobody got hurt (except maybe a wallet here & there), and I woke up with a beautiful young lady by my side so… can’t really beat that with a baseball bat. Chu’ch!!!

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: I DIDN’T MOVE THIS YEAR!!! (Strikes up the band & drops balloons from the ceiling)

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Christmas I guess... but also winning Employee of the Quarter was pretty awesome... and I had some fun vacation... but yeah, Christmas wins.

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Don't wanna jinx it... but there really haven't been too many low points. Probably when Dizzy & I's trip to Mount Shasta was kinda ruined when her car was stolen & the establishment that was set to prosecute & help her get her car back were lacking to say the least... but all in all, it was still a fun time with her... and nothing horrible happened. Just frustrating more than anything... and if that's the low point, you really can't complain.

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas... as usual...

Last Year’s REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS Review (still in effect for 2013 as well):

• Date Dammit! – Checkity-check-check!
• Learn Another Language – Ugh… dammit… this makes like 5 years in a row…
• Give Up Mountain Dew – I was doing real good... until about May… but still better than I was…
• Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I’ve had the gym membership for a while now & was doing pretty good… until about May… and now I have a quarterly Bacon Day which doesn’t help the diet aspect at all… but yeah, not too bad but can always get better
• Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though I’m pretty sure she’s forgotten about me
• Use My Passport – She still needs stamps but plans are in the works…
• Write a Children’s Book – I’m well on my way with making a comic & with being surrounded by artistically talented family & friends, it makes for a great start to my future literary domination! Watch yo ass, Stan Lee!
• Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – I’ve really learned to just relax & take things as they come… for example, Employee of the Quarter at work! Proof, pudding, BOOM!!!
• Look for the Next Step – I’m really working on “the Plan” as Bubbles so eloquently put it a while back… and things are moving along nicely.
• Survive the Apocalypse – Though San Francisco seems to be the epicenter of every disaster in movies from X-Men to Rise of the Planet of the Apes to Towering Inferno to The Birds to Mission: Impossible to whatever, I survived like a f**king CHAMPION!!! Now I just have to wait for the next Y2K to outlast…

 

Thanks for coming out ladies & gentlemen... drive home safely... anything else left to say RoboCop?

 

"END TRANSMISSION!!!"

$teve Played by Brad Pitt

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Again with the busyness in business… but I’m back & ready to say whattup? Let’s see… personal life… this weekend, I may be going to a “reclaimed art” (aka modern trash) show at a place called King Kong Bar downtown. Why? There will be people playing the ukulele while… and it’s at a bar, so even if it’s lame, there’s plenty to do down there. So yeah, that should be fun. Then on Sunday is the Day at the Races with the roommates & their friends. It should be a smashing good time. I think that I mentioned this before but Sundays are Dollar Days at Golden Gate Fields where they have the horse races, so you can place bets, beers, hot dogs, pretzels, etc. all for a buck a piece. $20 will make you feel like a king… and a C-note would make you feel like a super-king.

C-Real will be coming to town next week. Still not 100% on what we’re going to do… but one thing’s for sure… we’re gonna do it RAW!!! Haha… okay, so I’m sure we’ll have a good time. Haven’t really decided on just checking out the City… or stopping over in Wine Country… or down to Monterey for a day or two. Who knows? So many options out here & so little time to do it all in. Also, Bubbles & I got tickets to the Gotye concert (she had me listen to a few tracks & the Kiwi has skills) so that’ll be in a few weeks. Let’s see… charity work in three weeks (voluntary, not court ordered), family is doing good, been playing “Batman: Arkham City” and it’s pretty cool. That’s really about it…

I was watching “The Soup” with the roommates when I stumbled upon a gem called VH1 Couples Therapy. Wait, a reality TV show on VH1? How is this POSSIBLY a gem? Well, it’s celebrity couples having relationship / marriage therapy… which I will absolutely admit is both sad & completely uninteresting to me in every way. However… did I mention that one of the couples is DMX and his wifey? Because that sh*t is VERY important… and why I must absolutely watch this show… because Earl Simmons is not only my dawg… but he’s absolutely outside of his f**king mind… and now… outside of his f**king comfort zone. Allow me to share with you a few quotes from the show… and remember, DMX is using his voice… and it’s the same gravely real voice, all day… every day… with volumes varying from loud to “F’real, I’m right here!”

Interviewer: “Do you know why you’re here?”
DMX: “Because of my d**k!” (the answer was immediate & the tone was as if he said pass the
sugar)

DMX: “I love p**sy! I LOVE P**SY!!! Love it.” I agree

I can’t do a word for word representation of this next one because I was so shocked & laughing so hard… but basically it broke down to this…
DMX: “The reason that I cheat on her all the time is… I love her… but you don’t want eggs for breakfast every day. I love breakfast… and I love eggs… but sometimes… I want some cereal. You can have eggs again & again & again until eventually you just say f**k it, I’m gonna have me some Lucky Charms.” That’s a metaphor in which he compared the love of his life… to boring ass eggs on his breakfast plate. The best part though… was the therapist’s next question.
Therapist: “If I could… wave a magic wand… and you couldn’t f**k other girls anymore… would you want to?” First off, when can a license therapist drop the F-bomb? When she’s talking to
D-M-X!!!
DMX: “(awkward moment of reflection as he carefully considers how to respond) If you could… wave a magic wand, that’d be cool and all but… I don’t think that’d ever happen.” By this time, his wifey is in tears, trying to be strong… but sh*t is ridiculous… and I haven’t even told you about when they introduced the homosexual couple from “A-List” to the house. Five words: “I have a gay uncle.” So bad… yet so good. Also, before you judge Earl Simmons aka DMX, please realize that he has been through a LOT of sh*t in his life (REAL Behind the Music stuff) but yeah… he has issues like a subscription.

Last week, I watched the latest Martin Scorsese flick “Hugo” starring Sir Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Christopher Lee, Emily Mortimer, Jude Law and others… but the stars are basically two kids (the boy from “Nancy McPhee Returns” & the foul-mouthed pre-teen girl from “Kick Ass” oddly enough). Set in 1930’s Paris, an orphan boy lives in the walls of a train station… and with the help of a new friend, they set out on an adventure involving the boy’s father’s past work… and an automaton (old school robot). Now, I know that doesn’t sound particularly awesome by any means… but it’s great for the kid in everyone to set out on a magical journey of self-discovery & wonder… and it’s not your usual Martin Scorsese flick due to the lack of mobsters & vulgarity… but a masterfully done movie which I highly recommend that you check out.

A few days ago, I watched “Moneyball” starring Brad Pitt & Jonah Hill. This is based on the true story of former Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane (Pitt) who was frustrated with the way that professional baseball is set up… primarily where the big market teams (New York, Boston, LA, etc) had such a distinct advantage in signing free agent talent against the smaller market teams. For those who don’t know, baseball doesn’t have the salary cap like other sports do which levels the playing field a bit (unless you decide you’d rather live in Miami with your rich friends instead of Cleveland with your poor friends, for a random example). Anyway, he basically stumbled upon a theory of another team’s assistant scout (Hill) who doesn’t look at the usual perspective of scouts like who they swing, confidence, bravado, etc… but rather production on the field with respect to their salary or market value. Apparently this was never used before… which kind of baffles me… but whatever, it’s like Fantasy Baseball but in real life. The road wasn’t easy though… as every trade that looked good with this theory, looked a little ridiculous to the average spectator or conventional manager or owner… but spoiler alert, it changed the game. For the better? Well, you be the judge on that one… but I highly recommend the movie.

Side note: I want to reiterate that this movie was based on a true story… and the guy it was based on is still alive (seeing as it took place less than a decade ago). How f**king flattered would you be… to have Brad Pitt portray you in a big time Hollywood movie? Seriously? Now, I’m sure that Billy Beane gets his share of the ladies anyway based on his own Game… but when you can add to the repertoire that Brad Pitt is a close personal friend of yours… because he wanted to play you in an Academy Award nominated film based on your life… that’s not a bad arrow to have in your quiver. Which leads me to my next series of questions.

Question #1: Do you think that your life is worthy of a Hollywood film? If so, what kind would it
be?

An interesting question if I say so myself… and believe I just did. Many of us think that our lives will change the path of mankind in every way… and some of us are realistic… but regardless of the breadth of our actions, we change lives & have our own stories in many different ways. The vast majority of us will have more of a… let’s say George Bailey effect, where it’s primarily living a good life & influencing our family, friends, neighbors, etc. but it’s not like we’re going to cure cancer or be the first human on Mars or be a secret agent who takes out a criminal mastermind making sweet love to varying females with questionable names along the way. However, we can all star in a romantic comedy… or a raunchy sexual thriller… or an escapade against The Man… and drama is EVERYWHERE. So anyway, do you think you’ll be the lead character in a movie soon? Personally… I’ve got a lot of work to do for an academy award nominated flick… but I can definitely star in a comedy, I think.

Question #2: Who would play you in this potential masterpiece?

In a few years all actors & actresses will be replaced by robots, automatons or CGI composites that we may or may not be able to lend our voice talents too… but in the meantime, is there an actor or actress that you think would be perfect to portray you? Obviously everybody’s first thought is “I think Brad Pitt could do me justice…” or “Angelina Joleezie for sheezie, beezie!” but let’s be real. Sure I’ve got the squinted dream blue eyes, chiseled good looks, soft lips & perfect tan of Mr. Pitt… but he’s also got about 20 years on me (which oddly enough would still probably work out pretty well since it’s Hollywood time), he’s got a busy schedule of real films to do & frankly, I’m about a foot taller & I’m not sure if he’s got the Tyler Durgan body still to pull me off. Haha! So who else is out there? Well, it’s been said on this blog before that I’ve been compared to a wide array of character actors from Dennis Quaid to Danielle Radcliffe to the man who shares my secret dive bar disc jockey alter ego’s name, the Great DJ QUALLS!!! However, I have no idea… and the internet devices that apparently pick random celebrities based on my facial features doesn’t help at all. I don’t know, what do you think? Let’s say you’re a casting director. Am I more Ryan Gosling or some douche from the WB (I don’t care if it’s the CW now, it’ll always be the WB with the racist singing frog to me)?

Question #3: Who would play your family, friends, various costars?

Well… it goes without saying who would play my mom (Michelle Pfeiffer), my dad (Steven Seagal with glasses & no ponytail), my brother (Jake Busey), my buddy C-Rock (Jonah Hill with a ponytail), Bubbles (Megan Fox), J-Mo (Idris Elba), and a few others… but I kinda have to stretch for a few others. For example, my roommates… I have no idea. I’d just have to hold thorough auditions with young budding starlets in an array of nurse & artist attire. My boss… He’d give me a raise if I said Will Smith but… Fresh Prince would have to tape his ears back or something. I’d say Denzel… but he’s a tall guy like me. Wow, I’m really making my boss to be a pretty attractive man, aren’t I? It’s so much easier to cast other people than yourself, isn’t it? I could be like “Yeah, you’re this guy & you’re this chick… but there’s not an actor alive that can portray me… except maybe Gary Oldman… because that man could convince me the Easter Bunny was real. Get Commissioner Gordon on the line!” but that would just be nonsense. Anyway, ask your friends who they would want to be played by… then ask them who would play you… and I’ll bet you dime to donuts that two things will happen. First, they’ll answer for you a LOT quicker then for themselves. Secondly, you’ll probably start a little fight along the lines of “Jennifer Love Hewitt? Are you f**king with me? Are you trying to say that I’m talentless?” “No no no… I’m saying you’ve got a nice rack!” “MY EYES ARE UP HERE A$$HOLE!!!” Good fun for everyone…

Anyway, that’s about it… so yeah… I’ll catch you next time around, I guess. Have a great weekend
everybody!!!